Finding my future daughter's name and my current packing progress

I am being such a bad procrastinator right now. I've done basically nothing since I've gotten home. But I cuddled with the babies, and I grilled myself a hamburger (I'll have to store the grill in a closet at my new place, so I needed to use it one last time - although it's semiportable so maybe I could take it outside somewhere), and I played on the internet, and I spent the last 45 minutes researching my new #1 name for my future daughter! I discovered it from a song that I've listened to about five hundred times before but never paid attention to the title or lyrics before, and now that I've read the lyrics I love it perhaps even more. I better have a daughter first because my list of girl baby names has always been about five times longer than with boy names, and when I picture myself having a baby and being a new mom, it's always with a daughter. And besides, now I have her name all picked out! :)

I think I'm going to stay up most of the night. I kind of accepted the fact an hour ago, which is why I'm sitting down again. I brewed up some coffee and I've already had a cup. And I have my laundry ready to go in the big basket, but I just need to actually get up and take it downstairs. Which I'll do as soon as I finish with this. Then I need to 1) finish packing the kitchen, 2) put aside all the stuff I want to take over separately on Thursday morning, 3) pack the bathroom, 4) pack all my clothes, 5) then pack all the random little things that are hanging around, 6) clean the bathroom and especially the tub, oh and the kitchen as well. Then maybe I'll shower before I go to sleep for a little while on the couch.

Tomorrow I will 1) go the alderman's office to get the no parking signs and also permit parking passes for visitors (I ran out of time today cause I actually had to do stuff at work as I won't be in again until Friday at lunch), 2) go to new apartment to put up the signs in front of the building, 3) get big black garbage bags for my couch and chair pillows and bed pillows and for anything else left over, 4) meet The Queen up at the UHaul place around 1:30 or 2, 5) get some drinks for everyone who's coming to help me. And the move-out is being moved up in time now. The Meat, Freckles and Swedish Meatball will get here probably by 3, and The Queen will already be here and one of his sons might come, and Asparagus is coming at I think 4 - he's the big muscle so the really heavy stuff will wait for him.

So okay, I think I'm feeling good for the moment. And when everything is all done we'll park the UHaul next door and then I'll let James and Emmalove out of the bathroom to an empty apartment so they can see that everything is gone and realize that we're moving again, and have some kitten closure, and then we'll just wait for The German. Oh and I need to put something in the bathroom that Emma can hide in because she'll be so scared hearing so many strangers in the apartment. Maybe I'll just open one of the cabinet doors and put a blanket inside so she can burrow into it.

I think that's it. I can't think of anything else. Tomorrow night I'm sleeping at The German's and then going early to my new place to get the keys, and the new bed is being delivered in the afternoon, and I'll hang up the shower curtain and put out toilet paper and do a little cleaning and then wait for everyone to help me unload the UHaul. I'm so nervous though about a couple of the heavy things getting up the stairs! I have this armoire and it is so ridiculously heavy. I really am worried that we won't be able to get it up the stairs. I can barely lift one side off the ground for two seconds! Okay but I'll worry about all that tomorrow night. Right now it's just the packing and loading part that I need to focus on!

Oh and just one other thing that I'm worried about - the UHaul. I called five or six places today that didn't have any of the trucks available, and then I called this other place and she said they had all sizes of the trucks available. I told her everyone else was out of trucks and that I was in love with her because I was getting so worried, and when I asked her why they had so many but everyone else was booked, she didn't know. And I know that sometimes people have had problems with UHaul cause the trucks weren't there when they went there, so I'm not going to be completely comfortable until I have that damn truck in my possession. But she gave me my confirmation number, and told me I could pick it up anytime tomorrow, and she also reserved the dollies and blankets and all for me, so I'm just going to pray that it'll all be there when The Queen and I get there tomorrow. Otherwise I think I'll burst into tears and The Queen isn't good with girls crying and I think he'll want to run away.

I wanted to post a very erotic image here of what is on my mind besides all the packing, but blogger isn't complying so it will just have to wait for another day.

Enough procrastinating, I'll get started on everything. Wish me luck!!! :)

Packing, mattress shopping, things to do, and the boat trip

I have 23 boxes packed, and that's most everything in my living room and closets (not including bedroom) and the big kitchen stuff. James and Emmalove are exploring all over their new obstacle course right now - they're so cute!!! Here's what I'll finish before going to bed: pack most of my plates and dishes (glasses and cups are done) and my few items of food that will be going along with me. Tomorrow I'll have the bathroom (1 box) and all my clothes. And I'll do a couple loads of laundry tomorrow, too, including all my sheets and such.

And speaking of beds, I bought myself a new mattress and boxspring set today!!!! I'm so excited!!! It was a really good deal, under $600 including tax, the mattress felt so incredibly comfy, and it'll be delivered on June 1st to my place. Which means I can throw out my old bed and boxspring hopefully tomorrow night if anyone comes by, or at least with the help of the very first people who are here to help me move out on Wednesday. I'm so excited to start out my new place with a brand new bed!!!

And I tried to be a good shopper and ask a million questions and ask the difference between this bed and other beds, and if it will give me backaches and all that stuff. But I know I was a complete girl. And I really don't understand this mattress stuff at all even though I tried to look at stuff online beforehand. I'll definitely have to take a guy with me when I someday buy a car. So this bed, it's a Simmons Beautyrest (and don't anyone say anything bad about it now cause it will cause me a ton of stress - I've already bought it! Unless it's the absolute worst bed in the entire world and then send me an email so I can cancel it before it's delivered.) and it was the big On Sale item in the store. There were actually two that were really on sale and the sales guys recommended this one much more, and when I laid on the other one it didn't feel nearly as good. So they were really pushing this bed. Really pushing it. When I tried to leave to, as I said, look at some reviews online, they kept me in there. So that makes me nervous. Or maybe they just knew that they had me as long as I didn't leave, which was true.

But at the same time, this bed seems really good and when I got back here and read up on other similar Beautyrest beds (there are about a thousand and none of these websites really explains anything!) it seemed like a very good choice. And the price was so low that the store probably wasn't getting much of anything if even that off of it. And they had a million good things to say about it, and I really was trying to quiz them on the difference between it and slightly higher priced beds, and I laid on other beds. And it has that pillow-topper thing (yes, you see how much of a girl shopper I am!) that was so nice! Oh I really hope it's a good bed! I'm freaking myself out now that I'm writing all this, just because I know I was such the ideal female shopper! But I've been ridiculously excited about it all day! So I'm just going to stay excited! I know it will be a wonderful bed for me! And it's my first ever bed that I've purchased myself - yay me!!!!

Okay. Then I packed for the rest of the day. And bought some cleaning stuff and toilet paper and new sponges and other such things to take with me to the new place on Thursday morning. And The German came over this evening to check my progress (he's been very good and kept on me to not procrastinate) and bring me six more boxes. He helped me get all my kitchen stuff out and pack a couple boxes.

Here's my plan for tomorrow (I'm making it up now so I get it all organized in my head): 1) get up and get to work very early, before 9:30, to print out stuff for the morning and to reschedule an 11:00 thing since The Queen won't be in; 2) write the stupid letter that I was supposed to write a week and a half ago for my volunteer group and send out; 3) call to rent the U-Haul - yes, I know, I know! Why didn't I call on Sunday or today? I don't know. For some reason I kept pushing it back because I didn't want to do it. 4) Now that I have my police report, I can get my sheriff's ID; 5) go to the driver's license facility before lunch and get a new one; 6) fill out the credit card affidavit regarding the charges from when my card was stolen, and mail it out right away; 7) leave work early, I'll say between 3:30 and 4:00, to go to the alderman's office and get the no parking signs for on Thursday, and then go to my new place and put the signs up in front of my building; 8) do laundry; 9) meanwhile, pack bathroom and the rest of my clothes and all the miscellaneous stuff hanging around; 10) oh - insert this between 6 and 7 - reschedule Comcast appointment to Friday or Saturday and change address on the couple other bills.

That's done, and I feel better to have all the things written down now. I just need to actually stick to it tomorrow instead of fucking around like I usually do!

Well on Saturday the boat trip went wonderfully! The German met me downstairs in a cab at 8:30 and we headed to the Metra. We got to Waukegan at maybe 10:15, 10:30 - I'm actually not sure how long the ride was. Then we went to a couple little shops in the harbor to get some things (everyone was so friendly there) and loaded ourselves onto The Germans's sailboat. I learned to steer using the tiller right away and I motored us out from the one side of the harbor where he was at and around and into the other side and up to the gas dock (I actually handed The German the tiller when we were almost there cause I thought we were coming in too fast and I had no idea how to steer us into the dock, and I jumped up to grab the dock instead). We survived our first time of docking to fill up the gas barrels and of turning back around and getting out. Yay us!

And then we were on the water for about exactly 7 hours on the trip to Chicago. I steered us most of the time and I loved the compass that's on the wall of the boat because I could always keep us pointed in about the right direction. It was really calming being on the boat, I sort of settled into my own thoughts and was very relaxed. Well, until the motherfucking flies wouldn't leave us alone! I noticed a few flies when we were first heading out. And then I started noticing more. And when The German went below deck once I counted 40 on the teak wood on the side where he had been sitting. And then there were just hundreds, literally! I don't know where the motherfuckers came from or if they were having babies that grew to full size in the span of 15 minutes, but there were seriously at least 500 flies on the boat with us. We killed so many of the little fuckers, but they kept coming. And they liked to bite ankles. I wore pants so just my ankles and hands were showing but I felt bad for The German in his shorts! There were a few times near the end of the trip when I was so incredibly irritated and annoyed to such an extreme with their neverending assault, that I could understand how people could be driven crazy by bugs.

But despite the flies, it was a good trip, and very uneventful. Our little motor chugged away the whole time. Once The German put up the main sail, hoping to be able to actually sail for real, but what little wind there had been died down immediately, so we reverted to the motor. When we were approaching Montrose Harbor, it felt like it took forever for us to actually reach it. That's when I was having my near fit with the flies, too. For a little while it was all too much for me, and The German could tell that I was near the breaking point so he leaned across and kissed me a few times, and was incredibly sweet, and it made it a little better.

So anyway, long story less long, we reached Monroe Harbor and got the buoy on our first pass, and I was so mentally and physically exhausted even though I'd just sat on my butt and driven the boat with a tiller. The German came over to my place and we grilled burgers and ate on my balcony and then laid on the couch together and both fell asleep for awhile until he managed to drag himself up and go home. I talked to my mom briefly and went to bed at 11 and didn't wake up until 1:30 p.m. on Sunday. Driving a sailboat and dealing with fucking flies all around you is hard work!

So that was my weekend! And it was so incredibly hot outside so I've had to run the AC the whole time I've been inside. Otherwise there wouldn't have been any packing because I'd just be laying on my floor naked and sweating from the heat. What happened to spring weather?! To mid-70's!? I really, really, really hope that it's not hot like this on Wednesday and Thursday because it's hard enough for me to have my friends help me move, but if I see them dripping sweat because of the heat as well, I'll feel so terrible!

I'm getting a new bed - yay!!! :)

I'm a soon-to-be sailorwoman!

Ugh, time went so fast tonight and I need to get to bed asap. Tomorrow morning The German is coming here at 8:15 and we're immediately getting a cab to the train, to go up to Waukegan Harbor and sail his boat hopefully all the way down to Monroe Harbor. Which means I have to get up at a seriously ungodly hour!

At least we don't have as far to go, because The German went up there today for when the boat was put in and he sailed it by himself from Winthrop Harbor to Waukegan, which I don't think is so far but still is a little ways. I also feel so much better now because he has sailed a little and become a little familiar with how things work and how the boat reacts. He said he actually motored for most of the way because the wind was light, and when he got around Waukegan he played around with sailing it. And got smacked in the head once with the boom already - so he's already told me that I need to remain seated so I don't get smacked in the head, too.

I've never been on a sailboat before, so I'm nervous and excited! Excited for the adventure, nervous because it looks so small and low in the water from the pictures he sent me today. I'll douse (I think that's the way to spell it, but it doesn't look right - I'm not taking the time to look it up, though) myself with SPF tomorrow and be wearing a hat so I'll protect myself from future wrinkles as best as possible. And tonight I got a mystic tan so I won't look like a ghost all weekend - the weather is going to be so nice and so warm so I can't completely cover myself up. Tomorrow I'll be a sailorwoman - yay!!!

And let's see, what else...last night after work I was good and went to the police station and filed my police report. The guy said I had to report the wallet as lost instead of stolen because I didn't know exactly how or when it was taken. Whatever, as long as there's a record. I kind of expected to be able to fill the thing out myself and write a narrative of what happened and what was in the wallet - like I see people do on Law & Order - well okay, it's the suspects usually writing out confessions or the victims writing out their stories - but I was a victim, too, in a way! Anyway though, he wrote down on a little separate sheet of paper what items were in the wallet and then he went in some back room for about ten minutes and I guess he was maybe entering this all in a computer system, maybe? He came back out and gave me a paper that had the carbon copy of my personal info on the top, of what he wrote, and the rest was all instructions. And he wrote down my case number. So that's that.

And I admit that it was intensely exciting being in the police station! The one I went to is an old station (I learned that today when telling my bosses) and everything looks just like it does in old TV shows, or even on Law & Order - old stuff, lots of file cabinets, lots of notices and things hanging off of bulletin boards, kind of messy desks, cops filing past. And I was just so intrigued by all the cops - they're like another world to me, with their cop stroll and their big belts and their guns and handcuffs and walkie-talkie things. Just the fact that they carry guns every day and know how to shoot them is a kind of excitement to me - they can be around danger and know what to do! So cool!

What else? When I got home last night my doorman handed me a package, and I was soooooooo excited because I'd been waiting for the past few days for it to arrive. It was a present that I got for The Meat! He's always telling us such fabulous stories from his younger days, especially from the 60's and to a certain extent the 70's, and one of the stories he's told us is how he was on the back cover of one of the Siegel-Schwall albums - it was a picture of a big group of people after the album was recorded live, and he was in the group, along with some of his friends. Maybe three weeks ago we were talking about the band and how they'll be playing at the Chicago Blues Fest, and I asked to see the album, and he said he didn't have one. How could he not have one?! He said it's been out of print for a long time, and he looks every now and then when he goes in an old record store but has never run across one yet.

I knew immediately when he said that that I was going to find him this album, so I slyly asked him the name of it and where they were when it was recorded, and then I set about searching but couldn't find anything - at least by the name of the album he had given me. So I went to the band's website and tried looking there and then took a chance by emailing the lead guy from the band - his email was listed on their site, and it's not as if this band is some super popular band such that they would get thousands of emails. So anyway, a couple days later the guy emailed me back and told me which album I was looking for! How cool is that!?! I found it on eBay and had been waiting to receive it since then.

So today I got to surprise The Meat! Florida was visiting and I was so happy that she could be there too so he could show her the picture and point himself out. I was so happy, so so so happy, because it made him so happy! And he deserves constant happiness, he's so wonderful!

Okay, that's about it. We talked at work a bit more about the move, and The Queen is going to rent the U-Haul for me. Oh, and when I got home tonight I stopped at the parking lot next to me and asked the guy if I could park the U-Haul there overnight, if he'd have room for it, and he said it would be perfectly fine! Yay! And he's cheap so it'll only be about $12 for overnight! This is even more perfect! Of course, I haven't reserved the damn truck yet. I was actually a bit busy at work so didn't get around to actually calling. And tomorrow I'll be on the boat all day. Shit. Okay, I'll bring the phone number with me tomorrow and call while I'm on the train or right when we get to the harbor.

I'm ridiculously tired now and I have to get up so fucking early tomorrow morning, so I'm off to bed. I'll post some sailing pictures after tomorrow!!

Procrastination, plan for tomorrow and the fucking hottest fantasy

I'm the laziest fucking procrastinator who ever did live. I really really really piss myself off sometimes!

Things I planned to do today: 1) get my sheriff's ID replaced, 2) go to my soon-to-be alderman's office after work to get no parking signs for in front of my building, 3) file a police report about my wallet being stolen just in case someone tries to steal my identity, so there's a record of the theft, 4) start packing some fucking boxes.

Things that I actually did today: 1) watched the Lost recap show and the two-hour Lost finale (which was so good - I can't wait to talk to everyone about it tomorrow!), 2) played sudoku games on my computer, 3) did none of the above.

Okay, tomorrow is another day. And I will be super productive, I am promising myself that now! Tomorrow I will: 1) get my sheriff's ID replaced, 2) file the police report, 3) pack some fucking boxes. The alderman's office isn't open late tomorrow night so I'm skipping that task for now. I will also rent the U-Haul - although I need to ask The Queen if he'll rent it because it looks like he'll be the one driving it and he'll park it by his house overnight so it'll stay safe, and also because I still haven't replaced my driver's license and because I don't have a car and I don't have any insurance so I don't know if that would cost extra, and I'm not going to drive the truck anyway. I will also tomorrow afternoon maybe go get a new driver's license, too. It's on my list of things to do. Here's my one issue though - obviously I'm moving so maybe I should wait until after the move so I can put my new address on the license. But my issue is that maybe they'd give me a hard time if I didn't replace the stolen license first. Hmmm. Maybe I'll see if I can ask the check-in person tomorrow, but I'm not going to hope for much because they often don't know anything.

I think that's about all. As I said, it was another fucking lazy, fucking procrastinating day for me. I suck. But tomorrow I'll make up for it!

My final thought - if I were on the show Lost, I would of course want to be the cool girl Kate, and I would want only one thing: for Sawyer to grab me, throw me in his tent or pull me into the jungle, rip my clothes off and have his way with me. I absofuckinglutely love his bad boy character, and he makes me so fucking hot! I'd want him to grab me by the back of the head and smash his mouth onto mine. I'd want him to pull my hair and grab my ass, push me on the ground and when I tried to crawl away (because of course with those characters she/I would try in vain to get away at first) he would grab my legs to stop me, crawl on top of me from behind and stop me with his weight and his hands from moving, and then flip me over and again so forcefully kiss me and then I wouldn't fight any longer and I would pull his shirt off and run my hands all over him and he would rip my shirt off and grab my breasts and he would run his hands all over my arms, my face, my breasts, my stomach and then he would pull off my jeans and I would unzip his pants and I would raise my knees up around him and pull him into me...fuck, this little fantasy is going wild in my head right now, because it's almost a perfect fantasy and a very romance-novel-esk situation. I need to play it out in my head more. And I need some fucking soon. I'm going to bed to dream very hot and happy thoughts now....

Decision made and my day of pampering

I feel so much better right now than I did last night. Mainly because I made a decision on the whole moving issue - even though I first agonized over it at work this morning, discussed the options in depth with Freckles and TIC, got really pissed off at The Meat's flippant attitude towards my wavering, and cried in the bathroom. Freckles was wonderful and was completely understanding and supportive, and she helped me so much to remain sane and also just work it out in my head. And what finally allowed me to solidify my decision was the blessing from The German that I should do it. I know - I'm a little weak and I shouldn't have needed him telling me it was a good choice for me to make the decision I was almost at and give his permission, but there you have it.

So anyway - I am going to rent a U-Haul (which I need to do tomorrow) and let my friends all help me. It's more than a little outside my comfort zone, but that's good I think! And they are all so willing and being so wonderful, and I love them all dearly for it. And it will also save a lot of money and I think I might get myself a new mattress and boxspring with the money I'm saving - I got this thought today as I realized that my friends and coworkers would be seeing the disgusting mattress that I've been sleeping on for the past few years when they move it, and the thought is so embarrassing that I'm considering throwing the damn thing out before they can see it!

Anyway, I left work at 2:30 this afternoon to go to my hair appointment, and I swear I felt so light as I was walking to the train - I felt like I had just finished a big paper or just taken a big test that I'd studied all night for. It was just the weight lifted off me from making the decision, but damn it felt so good to not be so weighed down!

At my hair appointment, my girl gave me the best head massage that I've ever gotten! The students always give head massages before they take us to wash our hair, but my girl really worked it - I think she did it for five minutes as compared to the normal one minute! I was in fucking heaven! She even massaged my shoulders for half a minute at the end, which was a little weird but still nice, and no I didn't get any lesbian vibe from her.

I think the haircut is good, it seems good, but she put so much shit in it at the end that it went completely flat and stick-straight by the time I got home. And it also has a ton of static, so I couldn't even try to do anything to it. Usually I don't like my hair for a week or two after haircuts because it seems so short, so I'll see how I like it tomorrow. She only cut an inch and a half off, but I know it will seem short to me.

So after the haircut I went quickly home to change and feed the babies and then I went to my massage! My girl was really nice and made me feel very comfortable and told me to just relax etc. and gave me brief instructions and then she began. My favorite parts: I really liked when she used her elbows and forearms on my back, and when she traced along my spine hard, and whatever kind of massage she was doing to my forearms, and I really loved the foot massage as well - I could feel tingling all the way up to my neck during the first part of the foot massage, and I swear that when she massaged a certain part of my foot near the heel I felt little waves of heat in my hot girly regions in time with her pressure. I'm going to have to explore the whole foot thing further, isn't it called reflexology? I also loved when she had me flip over and she put a hot wrap on my neck and a cold compress on my eyes, and the hot wrap smelled exactly like pumpkin pie! Honestly, the combo of hot on my neck and cold on my eyes was amazing and worked at getting me outside of myself - I loved that.

When she was done and left me, I stood up and was wobbly for a minute and very relaxed - so nice! And my skin still feels so silky from all the oil! Oh - I also loved right at the end when she took the cold compress off and rubbed my temples and along my eyebrows - I love face rubs! Anyway, I felt really good. The whole thing was very nice and I'll definitely do it again, but at the same time, I've felt more from short backrubs given by friends - at least in the send-me-to-another-world feeling. And I would take the scalp massage from the hair stylist over the massage in terms of out-of-this-world pleasure. I'm not complaining at all, just comparing. I'm sure the skill of the person matters extremely.

I'm exhausted now. I talked to my mom tonight and to The German. And got some groceries. And not much else. But I'm so tired.

I think I found this poem on some quote website, but I don't remember for sure. If I see a quote or poem on someone's blog that I like I copy and paste it in an email to myself so I can remember it, and I had this poem in an email to myself, so I may be borrowing the idea from someone else without remembering. But regardless, I think it's so beautiful and so in tune with what I've been feeling especially lately, and also in tune with some posts I've read on other people's blogs lately.

Life is for Living
Author Unknown

Life is a gift we're given each and every day.
Dream about tomorrow, but live for today.
To live a little, you've got to love a whole lot.
Love turns the ordinary into the extraordinary.

Life's a journey always worth taking.
Take time to smell the roses...and tulips...
and daffodils... and lilacs... and sunflowers...

Count blessings like children count stars.
The secret of a happy life isn't buried in a treasure chest...
it lies within your heart.
It's the little moments that make life big.

Don't wait.
Make memories today.
Celebrate your life!

I especially love the line, "It's the little moments that make life big." So perfect. Right now I feel that my life is big, and it's because I see all my friends and coworkers wanting to help me, and really caring about me, and it makes me feel so loved and blessed! That's such a wonderful feeling!!

Moving decision, wanting to be a friend again, and excited for a fun "me" night!

Today was a little odd, I think it was because The Meat was in quite a weird mood where he was laughing but pushing people a little too much and bordering on being mean or annoying sometimes. He wasn't really mean to me, but when I told him he needed to back off a little cause he was crossing over the line numerous times with other people, he made faces at me. I tried to get him to tell me what was causing the mood but he insisted that it wasn't a mood and he was just having fun and pushing people a little. He better wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow, because he just wasn't himself today and he's the rock and center of our group, and when he's off, everything seems to be off.

I'm also really trying to figure out what to do about moving, specifically whether to use movers or to rent a U-Haul and let everyone help me. I scheduled a moving company today and am trying to decide tonight whether to cancel.

The pros of movers: 1) I don't feel bad about them doing the work and physical labor; 2) they know what they're doing so won't scratch my dining room table; 3) they'll be efficient (ideally); 4) they can lock up their truck (with all my stuff inside it) overnight in their lot.

The cons of movers: 1) I'm thinking it will probably cost a little over $700 once it's all added up; 2) they will show up after their first move of the day and hopefully in the timeframe of 2-4 p.m. when I have the loading dock reserved, but they can't promise any certain time - which will stress me out.

The pros of self-moving: 1) saving a lot of money - I'm thinking it would only be around $100 for the truck and dolly and furniture dolly; 2) I'd be more in control of time; 3) I could slowly take boxes up myself on the 1st while waiting for my friends to come help.

The cons of self-moving: 1) I feel bad asking people to do anything for me so I'll be feeling bad the whole time that my friends are helping me; 2) on the 31st I can move out either between 2 and 4 p.m. or after the last people are done, which I think is 9:30 p.m. - so the 2-4 is too early as everyone will be at work and 9:30 is bordering on late but would be doable; 3) my friends aren't expert movers; 4) I don't yet know where I can park the truck overnight where it will be safe and all my stuff won't be stolen; 5) I don't want to drive the truck myself so I'll have to wait for others to drive it for me; 6) I'll have to ask my friends to help me two days in a row - to move out on the 31st and to move me in on the 1st; 7) for the move-in it's two floors up so I'll feel so bad having my friends carry heavy stuff up two flights of stairs; 8) I'm a bad organizer and organizing causes me stress so having to organize the truck, the times, my friends, leaving the truck somewhere, driving the truck, dropping the truck back off, etc. is very stressful for me.

There are quite a lot of cons of the self-move! But yet it would save so much money and could work out quite smoothly. I laid a lot of this out for my mom tonight and she said as long as my friends have volunteered to help, I may as well take them up on their offer and save a lot of money. But she also acknowledged some of the cons. Oh - I also saw online that there are some guys out there who you can just hire to be movers but without the truck. So I could also do that - rent the truck myself and hire these guys to move me out and/or in. That might actually be a good idea, because I don't mind paying guys for doing the labor but I don't like the idea of paying them to drive back to their home base and drive to my place and all those extra charges and such. And then they could be on my timeframe, too.

It's just such a pain in my fucking ass to have to move out on one day and not move in until the next day! I'll call my new building again tomorrow to see if I can get any more information as to when the people before me will be completely moved out, and what the management needs to do before I move in, and whether I could get my keys on the 31st or not until the 1st. Maybe the people before me will be moving out early in the morning and I could move in in the evening! Honestly, I won't bank my hopes on that, but it can't hurt to call and ask.

I'm going to try to stop thinking about it for now, and I'll figure it out tomorrow.

I also both talked to and saw The Bold One today. She instant messaged me in the morning and threw it out there that we haven't been friends for awhile now because I never call her or return her calls, and she wondered if I somehow associate her with alcohol because I stopped talking to her around the time when I stopped drinking. She made very good points, and I am very often consciously aware that I never call her or other friends.

When I made myself stop drinking, I told myself that I would be a better friend because I wouldn't be drinking every night, but I'm actually a worse friend now. For some reason when I come home after work I feel so relaxed and comfortable and don't feel like talking on the phone or doing much of anything once I'm comfortably home. I become a loner at night and I'm usually fine with that. If I have plans a couple nights during the week that's acceptable and fun, but if it's more than that I get stressed because I think I need my alone time, or maybe just my lazy time.

I don't know. I don't know if it's me, if I need more alone time than some, or if I'm lazy, or why it is that I don't want to talk to people at night, and why it's okay with me to lose contact with my friends. I don't want to be that way. I want to be a good friend. But I think somehow I see it as so much work to be a friend and I don't have the energy, or won't make myself have the energy. But this part of me has bothered me for some months now. I don't want to be okay with being alone so much, and I don't want to be okay with not taking the time for friends, and I'm not really living my life by not spending time with people who I love and instead just retreating into my home alone.

Right when I was walking into my apartment tonight, I got a call from my buzzer downstairs and it was The Bold One. She came up and we sat at the table and talked for maybe half an hour, maybe forty-five minutes, and it was wonderful. I loved seeing her, I loved talking to her, I loved hearing about what she'd been doing and what she'd been going through for the past couple months. It really made me so happy. I'm thinking that maybe, to get me back into being a friend and used to having more contact with my friends, I can take more of baby steps and not make plans for a whole night or for a big dinner or anything like that, but instead make plans to go get coffee together or shop a little together - something that's fun but also not taking up a whole night. And that way I won't run away from the contact like I've been doing. I know it sounds ridiculous that I need to take baby steps at being a friend, but somehow I've developed issues and I'm not sure exactly the reason why, but hopefully baby steps will help.

Tomorrow night I'm having a different kind of a "me" night! At 3:00 I'm getting a haircut - well, a trim of maybe an inch and a half - which I desperately need because I'm being attacked by millions of evil split ends, and then at 6:00 I'm getting a massage!!! My first ever professional massage!!! I've been promising myself a massage for about the past 6 years but have never gone. For Christmas my brother and TSIL got me a gift certificate for an hour-long massage at a place near me - what a fabulous gift! That's what I'm finally using tomorrow night. I'm pretty fucking excited for it all! Every time I've been given even a tiny bit of a back massage by some guy I go all weak and will pretty much do anything for it to continue, so this will be just absolute heaven to get a massage for an entire hour!!!!!

[When I was just looking for a picture of a massage I found an article advocating breast massage - for health and to get the toxins out. It even suggests that a partner can help! This just cracks me up a bit because I'm imagining all the guys volunteering to give women breast massages after reading this, of course just out of the goodness of their hearts!]

Okay then, time for bed. And tomorrow I'll hopefully make up my mind once and for all about how to move, and tomorrow night I'll be all relaxed and rid of all the evil split ends!

Weekend update

A very quick update, so no one thinks I've been kidnapped by aliens or scary people or fallen into some deep depression. I've had a good weekend, well except for today - because today I was about the laziest I've been in a long time, and that's saying a lot. I got up at 10 so it all started out okay, but then I just sat my lazy ass on the couch the whole day and drank coffee and looked at all kinds of decorating ideas on the internet and thought about how I'll organize all my furniture in my new apartment and what little items I'm putting on my little wish list - starting with an actual bedframe, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I probably spent four hours today just looking at bedframes online.

Anyway, about the only other thing I did besides much more looking at stuff online and trying to figure out how I'll arrange my bedroom and what color I'll paint the bedroom (and looking at possible new duvet covers on overstock.com - which then got me started looking at about every single other item that is offered on overstock), was to watch the Desperate Housewives season finale. I hadn't watched about the past five episodes, so I'm obviously not a diehard fan, but it was okay. And I cuddled with James and Emma a lot. And I got a phone call from SP during the afternoon so we chatted briefly, which made me ridiculously happy and content for a short period of time. I haven't felt like talking on the phone at all since then though. I feel like today was a wasted day anyway, so I didn't feel the need to do anything productive like calling people who I should call or cleaning or packing. Tomorrow will be a new day!

Yesterday was a great day, though! I woke up early so I could clean my kitchen, because I was planning to go to breakfast with Florida and The German and I figured that The German would come to my place first. But he didn't end up coming here because initially he was going to take the earlier train up to his boat and we were running out of time a bit, so I met him outside on the way to the restaurant. Luckily though, he decided to get the train two hours later because otherwise he wouldn't have had time to even eat breakfast. Florida slept late so she met us at the restaurant just as we were finishing up, so she got breakfast and we all chatted and drank more coffee and had a wonderful time.

After breakfast we all walked down Armitage a little and looked in some cute shops - which is always fun! The German left us after a bit to take the bus to his train, and Florida and I continued browsing and chatting some more and then went back to her place to meet Asparagus (who had been golfing), and we ended up having The Italian Chef come to their place as we were going to a movie theater by us. And while we were waiting I got to browse through all Asparagus's music on the computer and he copied one album on a cd for me - I love finding new music! So anyway, when TIC got there, we headed to the movies and had planned to see The DaVinci Code at 4:00 but it was almost all sold out, and Florida and I are very anal about getting good seats so we bought tickets for the 5:00 show. There was a wonderful little dive barbeque restaurant right across from the theater and they had an outdoor seating area, so we got to sit in the sun and so completely enjoy the good weather, which was so nice!! And Asparagus ordered about two pounds of meat, which made him fall asleep for the first half hour of the movie! Anyway, after the movie we all went to dinner and again got to sit outside. It was so nice to have good weather again for a day!! And after dinner we went briefly to Florida and Asparagus's place and then they dropped me off at home before they drove TIC home. I talked to The German for a bit on the phone and then went to bed.

And let's see, on Friday I was supposed to go to this party thing at a really cool store that I've never seen, but I didn't go because The German had a crisis at work and he couldn't make it. I was a bunch of stress on Friday actually, from trying organize the move and schedule stuff and all kinds of stuff like that, and at various times I was about this close to crying. And now I know why - it was hormones! I got my period yesterday afternoon and I wasn't at all expecting it this early so I wasn't even thinking about blaming the almost crying on pms!

Okay, that's about it and now I'm really tired. Well not actually really physically tired, but a bit mentally tired from all the hard work of playing on the internet for the past fourteen hours - and of course I know I need to go to bed now so I can hopefully get up super on time tomorrow morning! So I can get stuff done! On Friday I did manage to get some stuff done for the move, like scheduling the ComEd transfer of service and Comcast change and changing my address for a couple things, and filling out the change of address form online for the post office. I still don't have my movers completely figured out though - they were supposed to call back on Friday night to tell me whether they could do it (I could only get the move-out time of 2-4 p.m. on the 31st and they had wanted to come after 4:30). I didn't hear back from them so I'll call tomorrow morning. If they can't do it then I need to quickly call other moving companies. But the biggest fucking thing I need to do is what I really haven't done any of yet: pack. I'm such an idiot sometimes! Tomorrow night I promise myself that I'll really start doing stuff. Promise promise promise!

Okay - to bed now!

Self-analysis and stuff like that

Last night I fell asleep on my couch - well I knew that if I shut my eyes I wouldn't wake up, but I couldn't possibly bring myself to stand up and move to my bed. So I spent the whole night there and went back to sleep after my mom called in the morning, and was only able to get up when The German called and wouldn't get off the phone with me until he heard me running the water in the kitchen and getting food for the babies.

I'm getting really tired again now and it's only a little after 10 - I'm becoming an old lady!! But I'm also really starting to get stressed because I have to move out of my place in two weeks from today, and although I have put together two boxes, I haven't done a single thing since. I planned on doing stuff tonight but all the damn shows are on right now and are exciting! So I had to watch Alias and Lost. But after I finish this I'm going to at least take all the books off my bookshelves and stack the damn things by the boxes so I'll feel like I did something.

On TV I just heard the question, "Life's too short, so what are we doing?" Hmmmm. Life is short, and what am I doing? Sometimes I think I'm doing a lot, and having fun, and that my life is filled with people who I care about - so I feel that my life is happy and full. And other times I feel that I'm wasting time doing nothing, and not really feeling and not really living.

And alot of the time, I couldn't answer the question "what I am doing" - tonight is one of those nights. Well, I do have my sweet kittens who make me so happy, and I have my whole community of friends at work, and I have some really wonderful friends as well. And I'm moving to a new place and am excited about getting to paint all the walls and decorate.

But what am I really doing? And what do I want to do, exactly? I don't know!! My sort of easy answer is that I want to experience the whole rollercoaster, and really feel things, and connect with so many people, and explore the world, and feel joy and contentment, and feel self-fulfillment, and have so much love in my life.

So let me see how I'm doing according to that: so far I'm completely riding the rollercoaster of life emotions which is good, and I feel a lot of things (and especially since I stopped drinking), I could do better and make much more of an effort in connecting with people, I've explored the world a tiny bit but it's been (oh holy shit) six years since I've been to Europe or anywhere else - so I need to do better with that, I feel joy often but I'm not sure about pure contentment, I don't very often feel self-fulfilled because I know how much I don't do and how lazy I am and how unorganized I am and I don't read enough or experience culture enough, and as for love in my life - I definitely have love in my life but it's not what I want forever - I want a family so that I'm surrounded by love instead of being mostly alone (except for my sweet babies!) every night. That last thing is a big thing - wanting a family. I want a husband, partner and best friend who I deeply love. And I want children.

I've decided today that I need to start keeping lists better, like I used to do in the past. I need to have an ongoing list at work of all the little things I need to do and I can cross stuff off and add stuff and all that. It'll help me hopefully be much more organized and get stuff done and not forget about things. And I also need to write out lists of other things I need to do, want to do, goals I have, and stuff like that. Even a few months ago I was keeping lists but now I try to keep it all in my head and maybe that's one reason why I never seem to do anything. So okay - that's my little goal as of tonight! For self-improvement! And it's a bit of a plan and I like plans and I feel so much better just having a tiny plan now!

Okay, I'm off now to take all the books off my bookshelves. And tomorrow I'll start writing out various lists for myself. I feel like this post was really self-indulgent and boring. I've been getting really melancholy every night even though I've been happy while I'm at work (except for most of today when I was trying to organize and do a lot of little things and cross them off my mental list).

One fun thing to end with - I finally remembered to tell a couple of people at work about a new word I learned (probably two months ago now) from WDKY - although I couldn't remember the word at first other than that it started with an M so I had to do some googling - and I finally found it under "pubic toupee": merkin. So we had some serious fun with that, and they couldn't believe there is actually such a thing. It just cracks me up! And is such a fun word to say!

Blue still

I've been pretty blue today, and most everything seemed to lack the kind of excitement that I usually feel. I know part of it is the weather, because I'm just sick of clouds and grayness. Wednesday is supposed to be warm and sunny for a change, so I can't wait!

But the biggest reason that I'm blue is because I had looked forward to this past weekend for awhile, and it came and was really wonderful and I loved it, but now it's gone. It kind of sucks to feel down after being happy and having had a very special time, but the lack of anything to really look forward to in the same way is, I know, why my mood is so low right now.

Tonight I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy and it of course had me weeping all over the place. First about a half hour from the end, when the sweetest little dog had to be put to sleep, and McDreamy was holding him tight and Meredith was telling him that it was okay, but he was still struggling and scared and didn't want the needle put in, and then he was dead. It was terrible and heartbreaking, and made me think of Muffin (former dog) and Frisky (former cat), and of my own sweet babies someday. And second, a guy died at the end, after having struggled for years and having just received a heart transplant, and asking his true love to marry him and having her tell him yes, and she was on her way to see him all dressed up and found him dead - he had died alone. It was so unfair and so tragic and I couldn't stop crying.

It's only slightly after 11 p.m. right now, and I'm exhausted so I'm going to sleep early tonight. I have some boxes here now and I was planning on packing some stuff tonight, but what with my show being so long and my extreme sleepiness, I think it would be much better for me to just sleep. And I love sleep! :) And tomorrow is a new day, so I'll be happier then!

Brief update

I know I've been MIA. I stayed up until 3 a.m. on Thursday night doing laundry and cleaning my whole apartment (it still looks pretty good!). On Friday night, SP came over for a few wonderful hours and then I went to Florida and Asparagus's place for a couple hours to take care of their babies. On Saturday The German came over and made me breakfast and then we did some fun errands and shopped at Trader Joe's, and then came back here and had some spanakopita and chocolate cake, and then I went to see Florida and Asparagus's babies for a couple hours and got home really late. And today I went out to breakfast and walked around with a friend, went to Florida and Asparagus's place, and then was really lazy for the rest of the afternoon and evening and have been feeling rather blue for some reason and I haven't been able to shake the depressed mood. Oh, and I of course called my mom and grandma for Mother's Day!

So anyway, I know this isn't really like me, but I'm not in a particularly talkative mood, or rather I'm kind of introspective but not in the mood to write about it, nor are my thoughts organized enough to make sense yet.

However, there's one thing I want to share :) This is from my Bad Cat Daily Calendar that's in my bathroom, and was from last Thursday. I get such a little chuckle every time I look at it, it's so extremely silly and I just adore it!!!

An evil thief and fishing, among other things

What do I say about my day today? It was a lot of different stuff, and it all tired me out!

So here's a quick summary. I made it to the volunteer meeting a little late (which is fine because there are about 50 women there every time) and first handed over a bunch of checks and what not to another girl in my chapter so she can deposit them, and we talked briefly about our next meeting and what to do with the board and all that. Then I went into the meeting and sat and took notes like a good girl, and also looked around the room at all the middle-aged and older women, and heard some of them in the back by me quietly critizing the job one woman is doing at planning a big event, and I was reminded of how much I don't fit in there, and how much I hate snippy comments. It was easy for these women to criticize, but I don't see them up there chairing a whole big event. But enough about that, because it's not worth my time thinking about.

I got to work a little before noon and chatted with everyone for awhile, and The Meat, The Queen, Freckles and I all made plans to go fishing in the mid-afternoon. Then my brother called and he had gotten out of the seminar a little early so I walked down to his hotel and took a couple pictures of the amazingly gorgeous lounge area (picture of ceiling at left), and then we went to Corner Bakery for lunch. I actually only got an orange juice because I had a bit of a stomach ache from eating a corn muffin earlier. Anyway, we took our time there and chatted about tons of things, and I was so happy and consciously thinking at times about how much I loved being there with my brother! Then we went back to his hotel, he picked up his suitcase, and I walked him up to the L so he could give me his card after he went through - it has $4 still on it, so of course I can use that!

A block later I looked in my purse. I don't know what made me look, but I think I felt that something was missing because I just had to check. And my wallet was nowhere to be found! I looked all around and under everything about three times, and then called my boss so he could check for my wallet on or around my desk. No wallet there. I called my brother and asked him whether I ever had him hold my wallet, and had him look through his stuff. No wallet there either. Fuck!

I went back to my office and called first the hotel and got some completely uncaring guy on the line, who reported that no wallet had been turned in. Then I called Corner Bakery and they also hadn't had any wallets turned in. Fuck fuck fuck! I went down the hall to see if I had carried it down there sometime, as I sometimes do when I know I'm going out, but no wallet, and I was so dangerously close to crying. Freckles walked back to my desk with me and looked through my purse, too, and told me to call the credit card companies just in case.

I first called my bank and cancelled my debit card. They didn't show any action today, which I was so happy about. I don't really know the rules with regard to debit cards - whether the bank covers you at all. I don't think they do, but I also think that at least one bank out there does now, so maybe mine does too.

Anyway, then I called my credit card and someone had made three charges at a gas station and tried to use it in an ATM machine!!!! So some asshole took my wallet from whereever I must have left it, and instead of being a good human being and turning it in, tried to get free fucking cash, and made it so now I have to replace my driver's license, my attorney registration card, my sheriff's ID, my insurance card, dental card, bone marrow donor card, and all the little discount cards from various stores. I'm trying to remember whether there was anything else, but I think those were the big ones. At least there was only about $7 in it. But the asshole(s)! I felt so frustrated and so naked and also so mad at whoever this person was, or people were! I wish I could kick them in their fucking nuts with my cowgirl boots!

Right now I feel resigned and fine, but when I get thinking about it, I'm just angry that this person didn't have the decency to do the right thing. He or she just completely didn't care about the stress and inconvenience that the owner of the wallet would feel, and instead bought a free tank of gas and two $7.60 charges in an Amoco. And then the obviously stupid person tried to use the ATM machine when he had no idea what the PIN would be! I'm used to being a good person and trying to do the right thing as often as possible, and all my friends and people I love are that same way. So to experience this behavior that is so completely opposite just really disappoints and pisses me off!

Enough about that though. The German made me feel a little better while we were instant messaging, by pointing out that no one got hurt, and everything can be replaced. And then The Meat, The Queen, Freckles and I headed out to fish, and I love spending time with them, and I love the relaxation of fishing, and I loved getting away. And we had a pretty good fishing day! Freckles caught a rock bass and right after that The Queen caught a little baby Rock Bass (picture at right). I think I caught a goby sometime after that, and then Freckles hooked a huge fish! It was a Small-Mouth Bass and she reeled it in a ways and we all saw it flopping around and trying to get away, and it jumped out of the water or was jerked out of the water at one time, and then it got away. But it was huge! And then, less than ten minutes later I think I hooked the very same Small-Mouth Bass! I got to, for the first time ever, really be reeling in and fighting a big fish like a real fisherwoman! The Meat and The Queen were so excited and were on either side of me yelling out instructions - it was so funny now that I think about it! After reeling for forever, the fish got a little tired and wasn't swimming so much anymore and was right below us so we could all get a good look at him. He was gorgeous!!! The Meat decided that he'd try to pull him up but the fish got away when he tried (the line was really weak) - and before I could get a picture of him! But I swear, he was huge! The Queen thought maybe five pounds! And he was so pretty and impressive-looking! Freckles and I saw a lone big fish swim by awhile later and we're sure that it was the same guy! Anyway, after that we all caught a few more gobies, and luckily all of my very serious lectures to The Queen worked because he didn't viciously murder any of them, as he did last summer once. So I was very happy with him!

Oh and one other thing - a friend sent me ten of the most beautiful white tulips in a vase as a congratulations for my six months of no drinking! They're so pretty! Oh and they came with a bag of Lindt truffles, which was so good because I was craving a little chocolate tonight but I have no cash or debit or credit cards to buy anything with - so I got my craving satisfied :) So thank you - I loved the chocolates and just adore the flowers!!

Tomorrow I'm meeting Warsteiner sometime after work so I can get the keys to Florida and Asparagus's home from him, cause I'll be taking over the feeding and giving of love to their two kitties over the weekend! Warsteiner is also planning a little something of sorts for us and is going to grill or something like that, so we'll be eating dinner at Florida and Asparagus's, with Simon and Millie (the cats). It'll hopefully be fun, but I seriously can't believe that I ever was romantically interested in that guy. I'm going to blame it on the fact that I was constantly drinking and lonely and wanting to be in love. Luckily, I'm much more open-eyed now!

Okay, that's all! I know, this post ended up being ridiculously long, especially because I was going to keep it really short so I could go to bed sooner. But sometimes getting it all written out in detail really helps me, and I feel better now at just writing the whole story down.

Oh and also, I'm listening to the album Blue Valentine by Tom Waits right now (I was recently introduced to the guy by WDKY on his very first Musical Monday), and holy shit is it about the most fabulous album ever!!!! I almost don't want to go to bed because I want to keep listening to it for forever!

That's really all now! Except that I need to clean my place in the most serious way and I need to do laundry. Tomorrow I have to get it all completely cleaned even if I don't get to the laundry. So I promise myself now that I'll do it!

6 months ago I was drunk, but not since then

Yes, that's right. Six months ago from right now I was drinking my last drops from my last bottle of wine. And I haven't had a single bit of alcohol since. So that means that tomorrow is my six-month anniversary of not drinking! Yay me!

Of course, it's on my mind a lot, and last night I dreamed that I got drunk and didn't care that I almost made it to my six-month milestone. In my dream I figured that I deserved to get drunk since I'd held out for so long. And I drank a bottle of red wine, but happily in my dream I poured out the very end of the bottle because I was mad at myself for getting drunk. So I guess that's a good dream sign, no?

So guess what? I got up this morning all by myself, and about on time! It was thanks to my second alarm across the room, because I don't remember my bedside alarm going off but I do remember suddenly waking up and looking at my clock and deciding that it said 8:30, so my mind told me that I was already really late so I might as well just keep sleeping. The alarm across the room went off just a few minutes later I think, and it was 6:34. But see - my brain plays tricks with my conscience and outrageously lies in order to get more sleep!

I made it to work at 9:30 - yay me! Lately I've been getting really bad and doing my walk of shame in a little after 10 each morning. We had a busy morning and early afternoon, but then The Meat, Freckles and I sat in The Meat's office and listened to certain songs on various cds and talked about music and other such things, and I just love those times!! And then I helped The Queen look over some stuff while trying to get through to Walgreens to order refills of prescriptions - I was quite desperate by the afternoon because I was having quite bad withdrawal symptoms from not taking my antidepressants for the past two or three days. I'm so bad with getting refills, just as I'm bad about getting almost anything done.

At the end of the day I chatted with The Meat for a bit until my brother got there and then we all walked out together. I'm so glad that my brother has gotten to meet The Meat and vice versa, because I completely adore The Meat and he's been such an enormous influence on me and my life, so I love that my brother can now picture him and know who I'm talking about.

So then we picked up my prescriptions and took the bus up to my place. I made my brother be silent as soon as we got off the elevator, and I had him stay out in the hallway while I went in first and greeted the babies. And then I picked little Emma up and walked to the door with her. She started freaking out at first, but I held onto her and my brother put out his hand for her to sniff, and then lightly pet her little head. I let her go after that, but then the most amazing thing - she hid under the bed for only about ten minutes and then came out and was hanging all around us after that!!! She even brushed against my brother and walked right in front of him on the table. I was so proud of her!!! I really feel that she's taking huge steps - first because she's started sleeping on the couch along with James now when I'm on it in the evening, instead of sleeping on the chair or somewhere else. And then she got brave and came out when my brother, a total stranger, was here! I was so happy, and you should have seen how proud she was of her little self! She was so happy!

So anyway, my brother worked on trying to fix my computer a little, to at least make it run faster. And then we walked a couple blocks to a little place for dinner and spent quite a long time there eating and talking. It was absolutely wonderful! And he keeps telling me to move down to Atlanta and I love that he wants me close to him! One of the things we talked about was my getting a new job and how first, it's stressful because I don't know at all what I want to do, second, it's stressful because it's hard looking and getting application stuff all together, and third, it means leaving all my amazing coworkers and friends - who are my family. I started crying a little when talking to him about it all, really when I was talking about how hard the prospect of leaving everyone is to handle. My little brother was so wonderful and being completely understanding while also encouraging me and gently pointing out that I will still be close with them while also making wonderful friends at a new job. All in all, it was just so good because we talked about so many different things, and really shared, and got to find out more of what's in each others' heads and lives. We talked so much, and it all means so incredibly much to me!

He came back to my place just briefly after dinner and did a few more things to my computer, and then I had him take our self-portrait because he has much longer arms than me. And it turned out so cute!!! I wish I could post it on here, because I just adore it! It'll be going in one of my frames or on the refrigerator very soon!

Tomorrow morning I have a meeting for my volunteer group and then I'll hopefully see my brother for an hour in the early afternoon, before he goes to the airport. And then I really need to do some stuff regarding the volunteer group so I'll really try to do some of that tomorrow afternoon. And I also need to call the engineer at my new building to find out stuff for my movers, and I need to call the movers to find out whether they can come earlier because the only time slot I could get for moving out here was between 2 and 4 in the afternoon. If they can't do that time, then I need to call other movers. But one way or another, I need to solidify my plans, and movers are pretty damn important so I need to stop procrastinating!!!

My eyes keep closing for continually longer periods of time now, so it's really time for me to go to bed and I'm seriously too tired to do anything else. But first, I'll raise my glass of water and toast to almost six months of no alcohol!

Fun with my little brother! And puppy pictures! And of course a few other things as well...

I'm soooooooooooooooo tired, and my eyes just want to close, so this won't be long. And also, I absolutely have to be at work by 9:30 at the latest tomorrow morning, so I need to get to bed.

I was just putting a bunch of albums into iTunes and organizing them on there. It's fucking hard work!

I had a wonderful time hanging out with my little brother tonight!! He got to my office at about 5:30 and got to meet The Meat, The Queen, and Freckles - and see how silly and wonderful they all are! We all chatted for maybe ten minutes and then we all walked out together. Then I took my brother to Ann Taylor Loft so I could get a pair of flipflops because I wore a pair of fancy shoes to work and they were cutting into my little toes since it was the first time I had worn them. And because I had planned on us going up to my apartment, I thought I'd be able to change shoes before we walked around. But my brother called an audible and suggested that we hang around nearer to downtown tonight and tomorrow go up by me.

So anyway, I got my flipflops and we walked over to Millenium Park and I showed him The Bean and the cool concert area and the pretty little bridge (and by that time I had to take the flipflops off because they were completely cutting into my feet - what the fuck!) and then we walked over to the face/water area. Then we got ready to walk to a bus and I put those damn flipflops back on and walked about ten steps before deciding that the fancy shoes were way more comfortable.

Then we took the bus up Michigan Avenue to Division and walked to PJ Clarke's for dinner. And at dinner I got to ask him all about his job and the company and everything I could possibly wonder about regarding that, and I now have a very thorough understanding of what he does and what his goals are with the company. I was getting only slightly bored by the end of dinner with the work talk, but I still loved it because of course, he's my brother! :) Oh and he got to treat us on his corporate card - how cool is that!

I also asked him all about their new puppy, Sammy, and I loved hearing about her silliness! Except that during dinner, TSIL (The Sister-In-Law) called about five times because Sammy had fallen off the couch and wasn't walking on one of her paws, and was crying, so TSIL took her to the vet emergency room and there's no break but the vet thought she might have torn her cartilage a little, so she needs to take it easy for a few days - which is asking a lot of a puppy! My poor brother felt bad that he wasn't there for their new puppy. But I'm so glad that she didn't break anything. Here's a picture of my new puppy-niece, she's so cute!!!:

After that, it was almost 8:30 so we walked a little ways to my bus stop and I showed him how to tell which cabs are available and which aren't, and then my bus pulled up so I gave him a quick hug and told him I'd see him tomorrow, and I jumped on the bus.

So tomorrow I'm actually thinking of maybe taking him on the L up to my new area and walking around there just a bit and maybe getting a little snack or dinner up there and then bringing him back down to my place so he can see where I live and see James and Emmalove. But then he might be tired after dinner and not want to come see my place, and I'm going to absolutely insist on him seeing where I live. Hmmm. My area is pretty cool and unique so I should really show him where I live now and we can walk around here, cause I'll be living up north the next time he comes and I can always show him around there later. Okay - that's the new plan - we'll just come to my apartment and see the babies and then walk around the area here. That's good.

Six months ago from today was the first time that SP came over. I took down the post about that day awhile ago, but I of course still remember the date. Also because tomorrow and also Wednesday are important six month dates for me as well. But I'll talk about that tomorrow and on Wednesday!

This morning I did end up having a short spell of crying, just as I worried that I would. It happened when I went down the hall to see everyone and Freckles asked me if I went to the concert and I had to say no, and she noted that I "ate the cost of the tickets" - somehow that wording made it sound even worse! (And Freckles, don't feel bad - I was going to cry anyway!!) But I still didn't completely cry yet and changed the subject. But then The Meat came out and said, "so you didn't make it..." and I said no and then mumbled how I needed to check on The Queen as I turned and walked out the door, and by the time I got to the bathroom I was stupidly teary and tried to control it but that wasn't happening, so I got my powder and hung out in the bathroom for a few minutes and finally gave up and went back to my desk. Thankfully I got distracted when I went in to see The Queen and warned him right away that I was weepy again and he got a little nervous but then we started talking about his wife so I was able to forget my little self pity. And a couple other times I got a tiny bit teary but no more crying, so that was good! Only my nose was stuffy and running for the rest of the day like I had bad cold, which always happens when I have an intense cry. And I felt really fragile for most of the day. But I'm feeling a lot better now. I guess I still feel a little fragile, but I'm so sleepy that I sort of don't feel it.

Okay, well I need to sleep now because absolutely I need to get up early tomorrow! I want to feel good and have clean hair tomorrow night when I hang out with my brother, so I need to shower. And we have stuff up at 10 tomorrow morning and I need to go over stuff with The Queen beforehand. So that means that I have to absolutely get up when the very first alarm goes off!!! Shit! So I'm off to bed, and please please please let me have volition in the morning!

Okay, one more picture of Sammy, because I love how puppy-silly she looks in this one!!!

No John Prine, guy analysis, visit from Little Brother, and our Pilsen tag-along

I'm not in a good mood, and have been kind of mad at the world today. And I cried a few times, too. Mostly because I didn't go to the John Prine concert last night. Apparently I'm a loser because no one could go with me and I had no way to get up there so I wasted all the money on the tickets and all my excitement and expectations were wasted as well. And I'm pretty disappointed in a few people who said no even though they supposedly have an interest in me and didn't have such important plans. The two people who I'm happy with are Master Prosecutor and Warsteiner, because each of them made actual efforts to get out of their plans so they could go with me. I love them. They made me feel special, unlike the rest of the pricks out there.

So last night, because I couldn't go to the concert, I stayed much longer at the fundraiser and actually had a nice time. I always get so nervous around these people, and usually feel like an outsider, but I think because it was a party and I wasn't in charge in any way, I was able to have a much better time. And a lot of people commented on how good my sexy little black lace shirt looked one me - which of course increased my confidence and thus my mood. And I helped out, and so had things to do besides just try to find people to talk to. And also, I saw the friend of one of the members, who I had hung out with a few times a couple years ago. She's ten years older than me, and very nice, and we both love playing euchre! She said she's going to call me soon so we can hang out, which is very cool.

Near the end of the party, the nephew of one our members came over to talk. I first met him about a year and a half ago, when he had just moved to the city and didn't know many people. We chatted at that party and he called me a couple times afterward. He was nice but I wasn't really interested, and to be fair, I was still not at all over The German at the time. So I just never returned one of his calls and that was that.

Last night we ended up talking for two hours, until I was ready to leave and then I made him walk me to the bus stop and wait with me. I had a good time talking with him, and I liked certain things while others weren't completely to my liking. I like that he has a large and very fun family and he's very close to them, and that he used to be a semi-professional triathlete, and was a ski instructor, and wants to travel all over the world, and got his license to fly tiny helicopters for fun, and dreams of living in Chicago for six months out of the year and on St. John for six months - and already has a business plan for running a little rental business on St. John, and has a certain free spirit to him, and also that he previously had a bit of an alcohol problem so he doesn't drink much and can understand why I don't at all. I don't like that I'm not sure about his intelligence, that I could detect man boobs (he was severely injured in a car accident a few years ago and can no longer do the triathalons or other such stuff), that he has a belly, that he's sort of attractive but I'm not really sure yet whether he would be attractive to me, that he has bad teeth, that he has two brothers and his dad has two brothers and there seem to be way more men in the family and thus he carries a lot of Y genes and probably not many X genes and I need to have a daughter, and that half a year ago one of our members told me that he's a player. So I guess the jury's out on him, but I'll give him a chance because I really did have fun talking to him.

But that then brings me to another thing that I was thinking last night. I don't know if I want a relationship right now. I'm kind of having fun being single. And I'm having fun with a few guys. And I have feelings for SP, even though there is no future for us. And I like the excitement of not knowing, and having the option of dating anyone and kissing many different guys if I want, and being fucked by more than one person in the future.

And I also don't know how to have a relationship anymore, and I'm scared of it, and I don't know exactly what I want, or what kind of relationship I want, and I'm so used to being alone and don't remember how to be with someone, and if I'm with someone how will I know that it's right and there isn't someone better suited to me out there?

Well, that's some of what's in my head right now. On the other hand, if I was dating someone, I wouldn't end up with tickets to John Prine but no one to take me there.

My little brother is in town! He was flying in tonight, and I talked to him while he was still at the airport in Atlanta. He's here for a training seminar-thing on auditing, and he's staying at the same hotel downtown where the training will be. Tomorrow night when it finishes for the day I'm going to have him come to my work to see where I spend my days during the week, and meet whoever is still there. And then we'll go up to my place so he can see my apartment before I move out, and see little James and peek under the bed to see little Emma :) And then we'll eat somewhere, and shit I have to figure out where and we all know I'm terrible at thinking of places when I need to! Hopefully I'll see him a little bit on Tuesday night, too. His class ends at 1 p.m. on Wednesday and he flies out at 5 that night, so I'll hopefully get him to come to my work before he leaves for the airport so he can meet everyone, and then we can maybe get something to eat before he leaves.

I'm really excited to have him here and see him! But I also don't want to get my hopes all up that I'll see him a ton, because I know my brother and he's so much like my dad in some ways and so stupidly practical and business-like. And I can see him saying about Tuesday night that he'll relax in his room and get a good night sleep so he can be all ready for the day and pack for leaving and not be too tired. And I can see him saying on Wednesday that he can see me for ten minutes but then he really wants to get on his way to the airport so he can be there early and blah blah blah. So I hope he surprises me. Still though, when he told me a few weeks ago that he'd be here he said we could "hopefully meet for dinner one night", either Monday or Tuesday. And I was thinking, "what the fuck, you're my brother and we should have dinner both nights and spend as much time together as possible just having fun!" So we'll see. But I'll definitely be seeing him tomorrow night!

I slept a ridiculous amount today. I couldn't fully wake up this morning, no matter how many times James and Emma walked over me and cried. I finally managed to wake myself up at 12:30 p.m. And I was having wild dreams, too. Tons of them. I did good, though, in making myself leave my apartment. Normally when I wake up late and am feeling sad and lacking in confidence, I just hide out in my place. But I promised a friend who called that I would get out and get some sunshine and enjoy the good weather. So I decided to go to Borders and get a certain John Prine CD that I was having trouble downloading, and also stock up on some cat food for the babies (when I'm having my self-confidence issues I need a plan or I get too nervous to leave the house).

On the way to Borders I stopped in a couple little shops and got two little necklaces that I can wrap into bracelettes, and also a really cool necklace - I've been on the lookout for forever for a simple, elegant yet cool necklace that I can wear all the time, and I may have found it in this. I'm excited! Then I did what I planned and got the John Prine CD and also a Kris Kristofferson CD - he's hard to download, too. And then I got a bunch of cat food - and it was on sale, too! Yay! And there were three of the cutest little kittens for adoption there. I seriously wondered how James and Emma would handle a little brother and sister. But then I came back to my senses and remembered that 1) their happiness is my most important thing and they wouldn't like other cats coming in and 2) if I did get another cat or two, I would adopt adult cats from shelters to give a home to sweet babies without one.

So anyway though, to summarize - I'm upset about not going to John Prine and feel bad about myself because I couldn't go, but I had an okay day today and am proud of myself for getting out and doing a few things despite my lowly mood and sadness and lack of confidence. And I'm excited to see my brother tomorrow, and also excited to see everyone at work tomorrow - I emailed them all an album I made today of our lunch outing to a Mexican restaurant in Pilsen on Friday (The Meat started talking to a random guy who sat by us on the L and the guy ended up following us to the restaurant, sitting with us and ordering food, and then told us when the check came that he conveniently forgot his wallet in his car in Lincoln Park, where was staying with friends. He was also a conspiracy theorist, supposedly produced documentary films, took a million pictures of me with my camera, and did possibly the worst Dubya impression I've ever seen because it wasn't an impression at all but just the guy giving a speech that maybe Dubya would make. Oh - and to top it off, he had the most disgusting feet known to man - complete with grossly yellowed nails and sores all over - and I of course managed to take a picture! So anyway, we had great laughs all afternoon, and we'll have more reliving of it tomorrow when everyone's looking at my photo album!)

I'm feeling much better now, and looking forward to tomorrow! And having both James and Emma sleeping on the couch beside me right now doesn't hurt at all in making me happy!

I'm a pirate!! (But not a cool-looking one, unfortunately.)

Actually, I look kind of (this is non-PC, but true) retarded.

So, I actually did have something in my eye all this time. On Tuesday said eye was starting to bother me much more again, and finally today I said something again to The Italian Chef and she called her opthalmologist and made an appointment for me - that's what I needed, for someone to do it for me or put a fire under my butt.

So anyway, after the doctor put those numbing drops in my eyes, he saw something very small at "11:00, embedded in the cornea." He likened it to a sliver, and after he removed it, he couldn't tell me what it was but said it was clear and tiny, about the size of the point of a pin. He wanted me to wear the patch so I would rest my eye and it could heal, and to prevent infection from getting in. And he put some antibiotic gel in my eye before taping the patch on me.

When he first mentioned the possibility of a patch, I didn't mind at all and was imagining a cool black pirate patch! But instead, he gave me a white puffy patch and tape all over my face. But the worst part is that before taping, he lifted my cheek up high and then taped it tightly that way - so the whole side of my face is still lifted, and there's a crease by my nose, and as a result - I look a little bit retarded - for real! It's awful! I tried hiding under my sunglasses as best as I could when I left, and I didn't push my hair out of my face at all and in fact encouraged it to hang over that side of my face, but I had to half hold the sunglasses on because the patch is so puffy, and even my hair couldn't hide half of my face being lifted and scrunched!!! So I hailed a cab as soon as I left the office and went straight home - no one else needs to see me looking like this!

Tomorrow morning at 9:30 I'm going back to see the doctor and he'll take the patch off and check the healing and make sure there's no infection. I'll leave the patch on until I get there, but I'm going to for sure loosen the tape before I leave the house, so I have a normal face again. And I'll put makeup on the parts of my face that are showing. So when I get to work tomorrow after the appointment, one eye will be fully made up while the other will have today's remnants of makeup and I'm sure a bunch of the dried yellow numbing stuff all over, too. I'll be fixing that before we all go on our lunch field trip tomorrow!

The German will be here soon. I asked him pretty please to stop by on his way home from work and bring me some Tylenol PM to help me sleep tonight - just in case the patch bothers me or my eye is hurting (there was no way I was going to leave the house on my own to buy anything - not with my retarded face!) But before he would agree to bring me the pills, he made me call some movers - I called one, the guys I used last year, and booked them. I'll still call a couple other companies that I looked up last night to compare prices, but at least I have someone booked now. And he also told me that I had to vacuum. I did do a little vacuuming - but the bag is so full of cat hair and a very strong burning smell was coming from the vacuum, so I only did the living room area before shutting it off. Obviously, vacuum bags need to go on the list of things to buy.

Oh and I called The Coach and left him a message cancelling our date tonight. I also asked him about the John Prine concert - which I did end up buying tickets for last night - yay!!! So anyway though, I'll wait to hear from him.

Man, if The German doesn't get here soon, I may be asleep already and not even need the PM part of the tylenol! Closing my one available eye feels really good! So I think I'll just close my eye now and rest until he arrives.

It's 8:45 now:

The German stopped by for ten minutes max. Enough time for him to tell me it was too hot in my place and that my face didn't look so bad, and for him to give James a quick brushing and hand me my pills. I want to hit him when he's in that rushing-around type of mood.

I tried calling The Coach again and again got his voicemail. I'm guessing that he's not going to be my date to John Prine. I'm too tired to try calling anyone else right now. I'll do that tomorrow.

I just finished watching Alias and Lost from last night. I forgot that it's May sweeps now, so all the shows are good and lots of cool new stuff is happening - so both were pretty damn good!!

That's all I've got - I'm tired and a bit cranky right now, so I think I'll wash my face (the part with no tape, of course!) and get myself into bed, and then call my mom and then take my tylenol pm. And a very long sleep tonight will be really good for healing my eye!

And when I think back to myself wearing an eye patch, this is how I'm going to picture myself because it's so much better than white puffy patch and tape holding my face in weird ways. So here I am!!! :) And with my parrot, Horace!

Grilling, dick dreams, and stuff I need to do

The last couple nights I've laid down on my couch with my computer but then James came up for cuddling and ended up sleeping on me, and I ended up falling asleep as well. That's the biggest reason why I haven't posted since Sunday. Oh and also I'm finally reloading all my music into iTunes and starting to get it organized so I can update my iPod.

Tonight The German came over and we grilled! For the next month, before I move, I need to be taking advantage of my balcony and the ability to grill, because the new place has no balcony and as far as I know, I can't grill anywhere, even though my grill is portable. The German brought over flank steak that he had marinated since last night, zucchini and peppers. It was soooo yummy and wonderful!

And speaking of moving, I need to start packing some stuff sometime very soon. I think I'll feel better when I get a few boxes here so I can pack up books, movies, and kitchen stuff that I never use. Just so I feel that I'm on my way.

I also need to book some movers tomorrow. The German is going to check with me tomorrow to make sure I'm calling around, because he knows how bad I am with procrastination. The Meat keeps telling me to not waste my money, and to just rent a UHaul and that he, his sons, The Queen and his sons, and other people from work will help. But first, I feel so bad asking people to do anything for me, let alone physical labor. And second, movers are quick and know how to move the big stuff. And third, there are two flights of stairs at the new place so that'll be much harder than with elevators. So I'm going to book movers, even though The Meat will be upset with me. But it's also in the middle of the week when I need to move, so that's even more of a reason why I can't ask people to help me!

On a different subject, I have dick on my mind. For the past couple weeks I've dreamt many, many nights of cartoonishly large dicks. They've all belonged to different people, sometimes guys that I know and sometimes not, but I always at some point in the dream reach inside the guy's pants and pull out his humongous cock and stare in awe and excitement at it, practically licking my lips, but then something happens that pulls me away from it and for the rest of the dream I'm trying to get back to the big dick, to get my hands on it, but I never quite get there. At least from what I can remember, that is. A psychologist would have such fun analyzing this!

Last night I dreamt that I went on a date with a guy at my work, who I find more annoying than not, even though he's a nice guy. After the date we went back to some place and were sitting on the couch getting ready to watch a movie when he kissed me, and then I reached into his pants and pulled out his monster dick with both hands and was so excited, but then I got called away somehow. And when I tried to sit back on the couch with him, my mom kept coming in the room and saying we had to go to bed and sleep in separate beds. When I saw him at work today I did such a double-take and felt very odd when talking to him until I was able to get past the dream.

Now that I'm thinking about it, in the dream I also was moved into a new apartment that looks nothing like the one I'm moving to, and I was trying to figure out how to arrange everything and had Florida and Asparagus come over to get their advice - but they couldn't figure it out either and I was trying to look for something that I was holding for them. Hmmm.

I also, kind of often lately, dream about getting drunk just once. Something bad will happen in a dream, such as finding a book of all the women The German has dated, and in my dream I'll decide to let myself get drunk once, because if ever I deserved it, it's after news such as that. And in my dream I often actually end up with a bottle of wine and then go back and forth as to whether to drink it. And sometimes I think I start drinking the bottle before starting the mental debate. I'm about a week away from my little 6-month anniversary of no alcohol, so it's bothering me that I'm having dreams like this so often now. But honestly, I'm having more twinge-like cravings for getting drunk than I have since very early on in stopping.

SP was supposed to come over right after work today, but something came up that made it impossible. I was happy to hear him being as disappointed as me, and I'm sure I'll see him sometime in the next few days. And tomorrow night, after belly dancing, I'm watching a movie with The Coach. I still don't think he's the guy for me, but I don't mind seeing him and getting to know him a little better, for now at least.

Tonight I have to not fall asleep early because I need to 1) look up some possible movers to call tomorrow, 2) pay my bills that I've been very lazy about, 3) open up all my mail from the past few days, 4) straighten up the apartment, 5) prepare some deposits for my volunteer group because a number of dues checks have arrived already. On Friday night I need to get a mystic tan so I can look cute on Saturday at our volunteer fundraiser party. It's so stressful for me to even be around everyone there, and I feel like a bit of an outsider and get really shy, and can't even drink to loosen up, so at least I can hopefully feel good about how I look - and I'm going to wear my new so-sexy black lace sleeveless shirt! I'm excited about that!

Oh and after that is the John Prine concert which I still haven't bought tickets for because I still haven't found anyone to go with me. I feel like such a loser! (Not that I'm very good about asking people though.) I asked The Coach and he kind of never responded, the ass. I don't want to ask again because I don't like being told no. But tonight that's one more thing I'm going to do: 6) buy John Prine tickets. Because I'm going to go, dammit. And I'll find someone to go, whether it's The Coach, who I'll ask again in an email tomorrow, or Porcine, to who I really owe a return phone call, or even that pseudo-sleazy guy who wants to be my new "play friend" - but I'll find someone! And I'll have my so-sexy black lace shirt on for that, too! And I'll see The Meat there!

Right, I've got my list, now I'll get to it! :)