It's almost the new year!!!
Ugh, it's after 3 pm and I can't stop yawning and also can't get any energy! Of course, part of the problem is that I slept until 1 this afternoon! Which pisses me off, because since I stopped drinking I've been really good at getting up by at least 10 on weekend mornings.
The German came over last night and picked up some Thai for us on the way. I got my wonderful little period friend yesterday morning (the ultra-intense
horniness the night before can be explained by rampaging hormones!) so I had been fighting cramps all day and didn't feel like going out to eat. We played with my new camera for a long time after eating, and he also showed me such a funny thing that he had downloaded on my computer while he was watching over James and Emma. He's a big computer video-game guy, and started recently playing some new game called Battlefield 2. Two squadrons fight against each other, with up to 32 players on each team, and after the game is done, you can go back and watch the game from any and all locations and vantage points. So some guys, with way too much time on their hands, had played games in certain ways and then set the scenes to music and monty python soundtracks and such, and it was absolutely hysterical!!! I loved it!!!
Anyway, he left around 10 pm, and after that I stupidly played sudoku games until almost 2 am, while watching Law & Order SVU episodes. Oh I piss myself off sometimes!! James woke me up a few times this morning for cuddling, but I just kept sleeping and sleeping and dreaming some weird shit, too! When I woke up a bit and saw the clock said 1, I knew I had to get up, but - and I HATE it when this happens - I had been sleeping so long that my brain still hadn't fully turned my motor skills back on! It's the scariest feeling when you can hardly move, and it takes all possible concentration just to move your arm a tiny bit! The only thing I can do is force myself to keep my eyes open, and force myself to stay awake, and eventually count to five and make one movement, and then do it again, and eventually count to five and make the biggest movement of all - sitting up.
Tonight I'm going to The Italian Chef's house with Florida and Asparagus, and maybe The Narcoleptic (sp?), and we're going to eat TIC's wonderful homemade pizzas and do whatever else. I'm so glad I'm just having a very low-key New Year's Eve, cause the hype really annoys me, and the pressure to go to a party and have the best time, etc. I'm happy I'll be with my friends and have a wonderful time, and I think it will be the perfect way to start the new year!!! And also, I won't be on my own and tempted to drink two bottles of champagne myself, as I've done on a few other New Year Eves.
Oh - last night at 1 am, French Mix called and left a message (I didn't answer), saying hi, wishing me a good holiday season and new year, etc etc. And then he sent a text just before 2 am: "Happy New Year Miss Caterpillar. May this one be better than the last." For those of you who don't know, French Mix is 31 and was in my brother's fraternity (though not at the same time), he lives in Chicago, is a playboy, is extremely hot (but unfortunately only 5'4"), and I hooked up with him after my brother's wedding and again a month afterward here in Chicago. He has a huge cock, and sex with him went on for hours and was so fucking amazing! I haven't seen him since I guess late September, although we have sent texts to each other a few times. And I emailed him just before Christmas to wish him a merry one. He's in no way potential boyfriend material, but I wouldn't be opposed to another round of amazing sex with him sometime in the near future!! Giddy-up!!!
Things I'd love to do today if I could get up off my lazy ass anytime soon: set up my new printer, set up my new
alarm clock, put my new down comforter in the duvet, and vacuum. How much of that do I think I'll actually do? None. But, I'm going to work on knitting my dad's Christmas scarf a bit right now!! Yes, I know I'm late - I gave him the partially knitted bit along with the balls of yarn on Christmas morning :) But then I undid what I had knitted and started over again on our drive back to Chicago. I'm almost 2/5ths done now. I'll send it to him in a week or so. And I'll also send my brother's to him this week - I finished it for him over the Christmas weekend and he even tried it on, but I still can't figure out how to bind the stupid thing off! So tonight I'll bring that for Florida to bind off for me! That's my brother's scarf on the left, and also a little bit of the one I knitted for TSIL as well - aren't they beautiful!!!
Alright, I'm off - I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe New Year's Eve! And I'm very excited about a new year starting, and wish you all wonderful things and happiness!!!
I've spent the last two hours reading sex blogs and masterbating, and watching porn and masterbating. And I still don't feel even nearly satisfied. I wish there was a way that I could have a constant orgasm all night long, even while sleeping!! I need to get to work on said invention, because I feel like I'm going insane here with wanting more, more, and forever more tonight!
And BTW, for those who may be interested, the sex blog to start with is this
, and it leads to, from what I could see, everything else out there. And there's some fucking hot shit out there!
The new joy of saving, recap on Christmas, and some other stuff
I just opened a savings account at my bank!! I'm so excited!!! I haven't had a savings account since I was much, much younger. And in college and since then, any extra money I've had has just gone to credit cards to help pay them down. But now that I don't have my credit card debt anymore, and I have a fixed monthly payment to my mom and don't have to start paying The German back for a year, I can start learning to save money!!! And this is a huge step, cause if it's in my checking account, money disappears.
So, my savings account is starting out with $1,000 in it - my Christmas present from my grandpa. And I'm going to try taking $100 a month out of my paycheck and putting that into savings as well. This way, if I get a chance to take a really cool vacation, I'll be able to!!! Or in a year, I can put part of it into an IRA and start actually being responsible and saving for retirement way down the road. I feel like I have taken such a huge step here!!! And I owe it all to The German and my mom for loaning me money to get out of the credit card hole of debt.
Now I'll expound just a bit on spending Christmas with the bitch. First of all, she was back to just being her spoiled self, but wasn't a bitch, so I don't hate her anymore and can tolerate her since my brother loves her. So, I'm going back to my old name for her, TSIL (The Sister-in-Law - I'm soooooo creative!!). And a few times, she actually got talking to my mom which made me happy, since she had COMPLETELY ignored my mom in the six months up to the wedding and refused to even look her direction. Also, their visit ended on a really good note - the most fun the five of us have all had together ever. At the airport on Monday night, we had an hour to kill before my brother and TSIL had to leave for their gate, so they sat at a table with my parents and I and TSIL pulled a card game out of her bag, and we all had the greatest time playing! It was wonderful fun! And even more wonderful because now it can be a bit of a tradition to bring us together - all of us playing cards together. I actually gave her a real hug when she left! Which is SHOCKING, considering how strongly I felt before!
Also, after my crying-and-feeling-sorry-for-myself-fest on Christmas Eve, things got so much better. My brother didn't talk about the house and work and this and that so much more. And instead we had fun together. And they loved my present to them, and I loved their present to me as well - an hour-long massage at a nearby spa!!! Seriously, it's one of the best gifts, cause I've never had a (professional) massage before, even though I promise myself every few months that I'll actually spend the money and get one - since after all, it's so healthy both mentally and physically!
I also spent good time with each of my grandparents, first on Christmas, and then I spent two hours with my grandpa on Monday night talking, and on Tuesday morning I picked my grandma up and spent another hour with her at our house before my parents were ready to leave (she babysits their cats when they're gone).
The one area that I wish had been better was with my dad. For a lot of the holiday weekend, I felt as if he so much preferred my brother, and at certain times it got me really down. And I still feel the sadness, but I felt a little better on the drive back to Chicago and having my dad stay at my place, and the last image of my dad in my mind is him saying bye to me at my door, with a look of such love on his face. So I'm really trying to concentrate on that instead of on the sad stuff.
My mom, of course, was and is just wonderful in every way possible! She always goes so out of her way to make Christmas special for each and every one of us. And everything we do is such tradition to us, and I don't want it to change. My brother mentioned something about what he'll make for dinner "when [he and TSIL] host Thanksgiving or another holiday," and that bothered me. Because why does he have to start thinking about that already! And I don't want things to change! I want us all to go to my parents' house! That's where we belong at holidays! And what happens when I get married - how do we share my parents? Do they have to go to one of our places? Or do we go to their place still? Do we organize it so my brother and I are with my parents on the same year, so we're all together, or do we take every other year? But if we do it on the same year, then what do my parents do on the off year? Cause I don't want them to be alone. And then, what if I never find a love and get married, and I'm just the outsider following my parents to my brother's house? All of these thoughts and worries!!! And I know I shouldn't be concentrating on them, because it does me no good. So I won't, starting now, because I've gotten them out of my head and onto the blog instead!!!
It's such a slooooooooow day at work. Nothing is happening. And on one hand, I'm completely fine with it, cause I have no problem being lazy and finding fun things to do on the computer (or occupying myself with clipping split ends for long periods of time). But on the other hand, it's pretty boring! I miss the fun and excitement here! I miss The Meat being here! And The Queen!
And I also can't believe that it's almost 2006! Even though I enjoy each day, it seems like just a tiny while ago that I was sitting on my parents' couch on January 31, 1999 (I had just realized I had depression, so stayed at my parents' house longer that year), watching television all afternoon and evening as it turned to the year 2000 in every different part of the world, and feeling such a kinship with all humans because for once, we were all celebrating the exact same thing, no matter our color or religion or country of origin. It was just beautiful! And I'll end on that happy note!
Oh happy day!
Tomorrow I'll have much more time to write. But for now, a quick update: I had a wonderful Christmas; the bitch was not so bitchy this time and was just her normal self (which still isn't great, but better than the alternative); little James and Emma are so incredibly happy to have me home - especially James, as he needs to be next to me at all times right now - and in fact I just lifted him onto my lap as I was typing that, and now he's happy, but I have one hand to type with! I'm not complaining in the least though! I love it, having him sleeping on me and needing me to be touching him at all times! I adore my kittens!!!
Yesterday my parents drove me back to Chicago and then spent the night here with me, and it was so fun to have them here, so peaceful and non-lonely. This morning I got ready for work, wished my dad a happy 60th birthday, and then gave and received huge hugs from both of them before I headed to work. They got ready and took off to Wisconsin after that to visit relatives for the next two days. I got teary on the bus a little on the way to work, just thinking of how nice it felt to have them here, and thinking of their hugs and the loving looks they gave me as they said goodbye. I adore my parents!
And now, my exciting news! I got the most wonderful Christmas present! But after catching up on some people's blogs tonight, I feel almost bad feeling so excited about a thing
- everyone else is talking about such real things to be thankful for! And I am so so so thankful for all those things, and feel such peace and happiness following Christmas as a result of the time spent with my family who I love. And I know the things that are really important, and those don't include things
But I'm also so excited because - I got a digital SLR camera!!! Yay!!!!!!!!
Anyone who knows me knows that I love love love love my cameras and taking pictures!!! And my new camera - the Olympus E-500, is so incredible already, and I'm only doing point-and-shoot so far! I love it! It takes such amazing and incredible pictures!! I've just begun reading the manual on it, and I plan to buy myself the book that I bought for my dad for Christmas: Digital SLRs for Dummies. He already has learned so much from that book! And tonight, I bought UV Filters for the two lenses, and also a camera backpack - oh so exciting!!!! I only just downloaded the pictures I've taken this far, but haven't had a chance to go through any of them yet, and I need to go to bed now as I'm soooo sleepy! So you'll have to wait to see any photos taken with the new camera, and instead I'll share a picture taken with my Olympus Zoom of my Olympus SLR!!!! :)
Isn't it beautiful!!!! (Well, I know the picture itself is shit, but you get the point!) And now, goodnight!
I wish everyone a wonderful Christmas! Relax, be thankful for your families and for all your blessings, and be happy!!!!
Christmas Eve Blues
I wish I had some happy pills to take right now, cause I have zero Christmas spirit and am instead a bit depressed and stressed.
I've helped my mom today by doing cooking while she's been wrapping presents. I didn't intend to do so much, (since I'm lazy), but I'm happy I was able to help her out. I sorted through all the cranberries and cooked them up, then started on our green jello salad, and then made her toffee bars for her. And now I'm taking a little break to rest my back from all the standing. Then I'll wrap some presents.
Having my brother and the bitch sister-in-law home is so stressful for me. I love my brother, but at the same time, I've noticed that when he's around I tend to get depressed. The first reason is that he's always talking about the house they're going to find and buy in a few months. And his job and how hard he's been working, and his plans to get some advanced degree and what he wants to do career-wise. And he's always talking about money, from saving it, to paying off their debts, to what they're going to buy. He talks like he knows it all, he's so confident, and so damn focused on it all. And also, he knows just what to say - he's always been that way, but still, I can't stand all the talk!
This morning as I was wrapping a few presents I was mentally analyzing why it bothers me so much. Cause seriously, I was about ready to break into tears and have a good cry. I think one reason is that he's so fricking practical, and I guess I'm so not. And he knows where he's going in life and is making plans, and I'm all confused. And he's so materialistic and all his plans almost seem like bragging to me, but I guess it's because I feel so behind in my development.
And we're different, he and I. I think about helping people, figuring out the world and my place in it, understanding what makes me happy, remembering the important things, spending time with people, etc. He thinks about buying a house, then decorating the house, getting two dogs, getting a new credit card that will pay him back more, reducing his debt, his next career move. It all just makes me want to run. I do some pretending to listen, and add my two cents here and there, but I look down a lot and occupy myself with other things while he's talking this way.
This morning after I woke and went downstairs to get breakfast, my brother was talking to my dad about his job, the bitch's job, what advanced degree he should get, his prospects with his current company, his idea for going into consulting. And my dad just loved it, cause that's what my dad loves - the Life Plan, the advancement in career, all that so he doesn't have to worry and can be happy that his son is moving ahead with his life. And I know all these things are reasons why my dad doesn't understand me, since I'm doing none of them.
Also, while I was wrapping and analzying, I came to the realization that I'm worried my brother really will succeed big, and make tons of money and have a big house and have the expensive car. I tell myself that all those things don't matter much. That working tons of hours at a job isn't worth the extra money, because life passes you by. And that I don't want a big house with a stupid lawn and the big car and all that. And I really don't. But at the same time, I want to be comfortable and have money to live in a really nice condo or townhouse in the city, and be able to go on family vacations all over the world. I guess I'm jealous a little that my brother is on the way, and I'm worried that I'm going to be left behind and he's going to be the rich brother while I'm the poor sister barely getting by. I'm not a planner, and all his CONSTANT planning disgusts me, but at the same time worries me that I don't have any plan.
But, I would never choose to be my brother over myself. He's so focused on what I believe to be not the most important things. And so fricking know-it-all about his plans and all that. And talks about it way too much and in such a know-it-all way. I can't stand it. I'm happy with the person I am and with what's important to me. But at the same time, I wish I could know that five years down the road I'd be married, have a baby, live in a comfortable place, and have paid off my debts. And also have started saving. It's all just so stressful for me. It makes me think of all the things that I don't like to think of! All the things that scare me!
Also, for the past maybe two or three years, when my brother's around he seems to be the center of attention. He talks a lot. He talks loud. And I feel like I blend back into the background. And I hate feeling that way. His loudness makes me quiet, or at least seem quiet to myself.
It's not that my brother ignores me at all. He actually brings attention to me, and talks to me and all that. And teases me and does the little brotherly pushes and stuff. But I get depressed and have low self-confidence around it all, so I'm just SAD, and BLUE. I just realized one good things - he and the bitch are visiting with my grandma and then my grandpa right now (they've been divorced for years but are good friends and have condos right next door to each other), so he'll be doing the whole practical talk with them today, so hopefully I won't have to hear another rendition of it tomorrow. He's always been the one to talk so self-confidently, so everyone thinks he's got it all figured out, and he's still that way. Whereas I'm floating around here in the wind, not knowing where I'm headed or what I want.
I was happy, though, that my brother told me he's so excited about his present for me! I love feeling loved by him, and feeling important to him. I'm so emotional about it. I wept leading up to his wedding cause I was worried about losing him, and I wept last Christmas when he gave me the sweetest card. I just hate that I feel this way when I'm around him now. Oh, but he also made me really happy last night when twice, he told me how good I look, and that I've lost so much weight, and look really happy. And he hugged me while he said it. He's my little brother, but sometimes I feel like he's older.
Now, all that I've just written about would be more than enough stress for little me to handle around Christmas, but now we have to add in The Bitch Factor.
I've been nice, and she's been her nicest possible - which means answering our questions and making eye contact. Of course, no questions come out of her mouth, she talks to us as little as possible and only if we ask her questions, and she and my brother have been gone for the past four hours or so on their own.
Also, she always drinks a certain brand of Reisling for Christmas, so my brother and she went to four separate stores before they found it, as my brother reported when he called. (He's getting a bottle of sparking juice for me and my grandparents to drink.) When he called, he asked whether my parents would want the Reisling, because he's only getting one bottle and as he said, the bitch will most likely finish it.
My mom heard me say incredulously, "What, is she planning on getting drunk on Christmas?" So my mom had to get on the phone then and tell my brother that she doesn't want anyone even half drunk. And that there's no drinking tonight cause we have church at 11 p.m. My brother got defensive and testy on the phone, and I know the bitch was standing close by, so now when they get back I know she'll be annoyed with my mom. And that stresses me out.
We can tell that my brother is trying to train her in some ways, of how to behave. For example, last night they were about to go upstairs to bed and he saw a glass sitting on the counter and asked if it was hers, and she said yes, and he asked why she didn't put it in the sink instead of leaving it out for someone else to clean up, and she said she though he would do it for her. When he said no, she took care of it. She's a fucking spoiled bitch fuckface! But my brother seems to think most of her spoiled habits are "so cute"! It drives me crazy. I can't stand her. And the worst part is that I'm almost hoping they spend next Christmas with her family, just so I don't have to deal with the stress of having her around. I hate that, since I of course want my brother around for Christmas.
Ugh. I'm sad, I'm depressed, the world doesn't seem like a happy place, and it really doesn't seem like Christmas. I hope tomorrow goes better than today. I'm sure at least the present-opening session will be good.
Also, I was browsing through my parents' Time magazine this morning, the one with Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates as People of the Year. And it was making me realize that I don't do enough! I so wish I had the money and time to travel over to Pakistan and help build homes for the people displaced by the earthquake. Or to the areas affected by the Tsunami a year ago - do you know 80% of those displaced people still don't have permanent housing. I wish I could do so many things - that would combine international travel with helping people and also understanding their culture and lives a little more. Unfortunately I have no money. And that just sucks. I think I need to write Melinda Gates a letter and tell her how much I want to help, and maybe she can pay for me to go do good things for her foundation!!!
Enough crying now. I have to go wrap some Christmas presents. I feel like Scrooge right now with my bah-humbug (sp?) attitude.
Sheep and pimples
I'm at my parents' house in Michigan now. Both of my parents' cats, Cinnamon and Annie, are sitting on the desk by the computer right now - it's so sweet! My dad is in the basement wrapping presents and my mom is on her way
home from errands. I just finished the frame for my brother and the bitch. And it's soooooooooo cute!!!! Now I want one for myself, I love it so much! I printed the pictures out in black and white, it looks just gorgeous! The pictures are 1) the bitch's cat growing up, 2) Cinnamon, 3) Annie, and 4) Sammy - the puppy my brother and the bitch fostered for a week last April. When they get a house, they plan to get two puppies, a puggle and then a puppy from a shelter, so they can replace the pictures then with pictures of their new puppies. I'm in love with this gift!
I need to go out shopping in a bit for 1) cards, 2) wrapping paper (since I left my gorgeous wrapping paper in the cab on the way to the train last night, pisses me off!), and 3) slippers for my mom (since she really wants those and my dad hadn't already gotten them for her). I think that's it. My mom stopped at the pet store for me to get dog toys to give my brother and the bitch. And I'm done with my dad, grandpa and grandma. So good! Yay!
Yesterday I woke up late so didn't get to work until 12:30. I left my house at 11 and dragged my huge suitcase, backpack, purse, and wrapping paper first to Caribou Coffee to get beans for my mom (she's getting a cool grind and brew coffee maker so she can stop drinking the stuff out of the can), then I walked about a fricking mile to the yarn store, because I didn't want to spend the money on a cab. I got three more balls for my brother's scarf, but for my dad's scarf there was only one more ball in the color I was knitting, so I ended up getting two balls of a brown and the ball of the rust, and I'll have to take out half of what I've already knitted and make it into a colorblock scarf. He's going to be getting the scarf on the knitting needles, by the way, and I'll keep knitting while I'm here and then while we're driving back to Chicago. Oh, so after the yarn shop I realized I forgot to go to the liquor store to get Bombay Sapphire for my boss, so I walked
all the way back to get that, and THEN I got a cab, stopped at The German's place to leave my keys with his doorman, and then on to work. And then I went to Borders to get the books - three for my dad, one for my grandpa (called Hypochondria Can Kill: A Disease for Every Occasion, An Illness for Every Symptom
- hahaha, perfect for my grandpa, the germophobe, and it's actually a really funny book, especially the sexual things that can go wrong, which part my grandpa will I'm sure NOT read), and one book for me. The total came to $99.06. I had a coupon for $20 off a purchase of $100, so I was instantly thinking about something really cheap to buy, but the really nice guy told me not to worry and ended up giving me $30 off the whole purchase - I LOVE nice people!!!!
The Amtrak ride was good. I undid my brother's scarf so far cause I wanted to make it thicker, and then knit the whole way and got over two feet done, so I'm happy with that. I'll have to knit much more after shopping and before they arrive later tonight, but he'll probably also get a mostly-done scarf with the needle still in it. :)
Oh - on Wednesday night Violet and I went the Do-It-Yourself Messiah. We'd never heard the
whole thing before, and didn't recognize most of it, but it was fun. We bought the big book, and we chose to sing Alto cause it was in the middle. Luckily we had a lady right next to me who REALLY knew what she was doing, so we could just follow her. The full orchestra was on stage, along with a soprano, alto, tenor and bass, and then we all joined in for all the chorus parts. The one I still can't get out of my head is All We Like Sheep (Have Gone Astray). Here's what's in my head: "All We Like Sheep! da da da da (that's music). All We Like Sheep! da da da da. Have gone astra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay. (And repeat over and over!)" I keep singing it aloud, because I can't help myself! My parents think I've gone a bit wacky!!
Before I left work yesterday, I gave The Meat a Christmas card with my family Christmas picture in, which he really liked. And I also printed out for him my Ode to The Meat from this blog. He said it was the best Christmas gift he could get to read that. He's just wonderful, and I'm glad I could let him know it! Also, The Italian Chef gave me a bag of her homemade Chex Mix for the train ride. I ate some halfway through and was glad that the conductor had given each of us a candycane, cause oh my mouth had the most horrible onion taste in it after eating the onion-powder-laden Chex Mix! So good, but horrible afterward!
I need to go out shopping now. What's making me procrastinate is first the traffic out there, but mostly because I popped a little pimple in the middle of my forehead and haven't covered it up yet or it will just fill back up with crap and I'll have to do it all over again. But before I go out I'll have to cover it or I guarantee I'll run into every single person from high school who I used to be friends with and also who I hated! And they'll all be staring at the pimple on my forehead!!!!
But now I'll go. Yay, Christmas is almost here!!!! And I'm happy even though we'll have the bitch here!!!!
Christmas shopping - I can't wait till it's over!
It's just after midnight and I know I have to go to sleep, so I'll try to write fast! I actually typed almost a whole post this afternoon but now my mindframe is so different, so I can't finish that one now! I was so melancholy then and had a terrible headache that only felt better when I rubbed my temples SO HARD. Luckily, Tylenol finally took that away.
After work I first went to Ann Taylor Loft cause I had a credit for around $60 and tomorrow is our office Christmas party at a restaurant so I wanted something new if I could find anything. And I did - yay! First I found a cute blue cable-knit sweater; it's SLIGHTLY itchy since it has wool in it, but not too bad that I won't wear it. And then there was the prettiest shirt with a very wide and big turtleneck that hangs down, and it fit just amazingly perfectly, so I had to get one in black and one in red - when you find something so perfect, you need to stock up! And then a little red fitted long-sleeve t-shirt rounded out my purchases, and I love my little t-shirts.
After that I went to Marshall Fields and spent way too long mulling over which kind of chocolate truffles to get for my mom for her stocking. I ran into a law student who was interning with us this past semester and is dating one of my co-workers now, and we shared our stress. He seems so young, even though he's 26. And I realized that he's a bit of a close-talker, too. Anyway, I finally picked my chocolate and got some wrapping paper, and then headed to Borders to look for books for my dad.
I mentioned that my dad decided to get into cameras all of a sudden. My mom's really worried that he'll never use the beautiful and gorgeous digital SLR that he decided on - in which case I will oh-so-gladly confiscate it from him in a few months! My dad enjoys researching things, and deciding on things, but once he gets them, they often sit completely unused. But anyway, in the hope that he'll prove us wrong, I got him a Digital SLRs for Dummies book, and a separate book on the Nikon D50, which is the camera he's getting. So hopefully he can learn to use it - as he gets really frustrated with computer stuff, and the menu options are huge on these cameras. Oh - and I also got him a book on realizing the important things in life and changing your focus accordingly. He needs that book, so I'll be checking in on him!!!
Yesterday I found a perfect picture frame for the bitch and my brother - it's cute and classy. And has four little square openings for pictures, so I'm going to put in pictures of my parents' two cats, one of the bitch's cat while she was growing up, and a picture of the puppy that my brother and she fostered last year. That way the frame will be filled until they get their own puppies. My mom also picked up two books on training puppies, so she's letting me give them those, and I'm going to get a couple dog squeaky toys for the future pets. And of course, there's the scarf for the bitch and I just started my brother's scarf tonight - and I'll put a note on those packages that they are for walking the dogs during the winter, cause even Atlanta will get SOME cold weather!
So - finished for Bitch and Brother. Basically finished for my dad - I knitted two feet of his scarf on Sunday, but then ran out of yarn. I probably won't be able to go after work tomorrow, so I'll have to run there during lunch on Thursday. HOWEVER, after I had knitted for hours on Sunday and was getting ready for bed, I put it on the stove since James and Emma like to chew on the needles, and I noticed that the first foot of it (from the first ball of yarn) is noticably lighter than the second one! The stupid yarn was obviously from different stocks! And it looks stupid now! Unless, as Florida pointed out, I can go back to the lighter yarn for the next foot, then darker, and then lighter. So the stupid store better have both hues!!
Anyway, back to mental check-off. My dad is mostly done, Bitch and Brother are mostly done, Grandpa done, Grandma done, stockings for my mom and dad are done. So it just leaves my mom, and I'm not coming up with anything!!!!! She likes computers. And doing geneology. She doesn't like girly stuff. She doesn't wear scarves. I did come up with the idea tonight of getting her some fancy lotion that will minimize scars - so she can start applying that soon to her incision. That would be something she could use! And I still may write her a poem. But what else? She doesn't need a book on researching geneology, cause she's an expert now. And she keeps up on all computer stuff. I HATE this kind of stress! Tomorrow I'll have to do some serious brainstorming!
The Meat called me from his office today and told me he has two free tickets from a friend to the Sing-Along to the Messiah
show at The Civic Opera house. He had originally planned to go when his friend offered the tickets, but now he can't, so he offered them to me - he said it's such an inspiration and a really, really amazing experience. So now I'm going tomorrow night with Violet, and I'm so excited! Violet had emailed me about it a week or so ago and I forgot all about even looking it up, since I've never heard of it before. So this is just perfect! I'm really looking forward to it!!
I mentioned that tomorrow is our office party. We're going to a local restaurant and we have a private room. There will be twenty of us all together, and three round tables for eating. It will be a fun time, but who ends up at what table will be key to the fun! I know who I want at my table! I also know who will want to sit with us. A few of us are going to have to go over very early to at least organize our FUN table!!
We have six or so bottles of wine that we're bringing in. Well, not me personally, of course! The Meat knows about my drinking. And tonight I told another co-worker - I need a name for her, but all names I'm coming up with are slightly wrong, and she has so many little good things that would all work for a name but at the same time each one by itself isn't right, and I also need to come up with something that she wouldn't mind if she ran across this. Anyway, I told her, cause I don't want too many people trying to give me a glass of wine. For my boss, I'll tell him that I took Tylenol today for cramps, and he'll drop the subject like a hotcake! Haha! It makes me laugh - how he is!!!
Oh - last night I wrote my Christmas cards and today I put our family Christmas picture (James, Emma and I) in each card and dropped them in the mail, so I'm happy that's done! Yay!
So tomorrow night after the show, I'll need to come back, pack my gifts, start packing, clean my apartment since my parents will be dropping me off next Tuesday, and give James and Emma so much love - I get so sad when I'm leaving my little babies :( Tomorrow at work I'll print off the pet pictures to put in my brother and the bitch's new frame from me. And on Thursday during lunch I'll go get more yarn. And on the Amtrak I'll be a knitting freak! Tomorrow I'll take pictures of some of the stuff, including the scarves, and post them! But my scarves are nothing special - I don't even know how to pearl (or is it purl) stitch, so I just straight knit.
Anyway, most of my day was very melancholy, then at the end of the day The Meat came down and we chatted for awhile and he lifted my spirits, then I got tired shopping, but am happy that I got stuff I needed to get! And life is good!!! (Except for having to leave my babies here over Christmas) :(
Oh what a wonderful day!
Today is a happy day!!! Violet and Uganda are picking me up soon to go to dinner, and I'm so excited to see them! And I just got back from the yarn store where I FINALLY got yarn so I can very quickly knit scarves for my brother and my dad. The stuff I got for my brother is a little different and I'm not sure how it will look once I start, so I'll start that tonight when I get home. That way if it looks really terrible I can get some different stuff. I also got a new set of needles so I can be knitting two things at once. I decided to give the bitch sister-in-law a scarf I recently finished. It's pretty and so soft, so she should like it. And then I have one less scarf to knit!
The one thing I'm a bit stressed about - what to get for my mom and dad. I'll have a scarf each for my brother and the bitch, and then I want to get them an 8x10 frame for a dog picture - for when they soon get dogs. But I want it to be a cute picture frame meant for a dog picture. If I can't find something I like, I'll get a plain wood frame, maybe painted black, and then get stuff from the art store to decorate it - I thought about paw print stamps and such. And I'll have a scarf for my dad, but I need something else. And for my mom I'm at a loss. I think I might write a poem to her, type it up in nice script and then insert a couple pictures of us together onto it and frame it. And I might do the same for my dad. Unless I can think of something else. And something else for my brother and the bitch? I have no idea! They want to buy a house in a few months so then they'll be decorating, but I don't want to get some random decoration. And they seriously have NO OTHER interests other than working and saving their money. They're really boring.
I'm in a happy mood cause I had the most wonderful sex session today! It was so fun and so hot, and I'm fabulously sore between my legs - which I adore cause it's a constant physical reminder of the passion! I have another reminder as well - on my neck! I used to HATE hickies - I still really hate the word at least! But I'm finding that I actually really love them because only I know they're there, and I can peek at it any time I want, and again, it's a reminder of the passion and wonderful time I had!
I have to give a name to my friend, but I can't think of an appropriate one right now. But he fulfilled one of my favorite fantasies today! I told him I'm going to keep thinking about it for a long time, and he has to do it again! He's so sexual and passionate, so there will be no problem with it happening again and again and again! When he came over, I opened the door, he came in, and I closed the door, and then he slammed me up against the door, told me my yoga pants had to go, ripped them off, went down on me, got back up and kissed me so hard and so hot while holding my head, my hair, my ass. Then he pushed me into the corner and was kissing me, fingering me, running his hands all over my body, it was SO INCREDIBLY HOT!!!
My whole body and my whole mind were overcome. He told me to take him into the bedroom and the next three hours were just amazing - so passionate, so hot, so fun, so comfortable - it was a perfect
way to spend the afternoon!!!!
Now I'll give little James and Emmalove some love and attention before I go. They have needed so much extra love since I was gone last week. First I was gone for 5 days over Thanksgiving and then 4 days last week, and as of this coming Thursday I'll be gone for at least 5 days from them. I miss them so much when I'm gone! And especially James has been all over me - sleeping on me when I sit on the couch, sitting right next to me or on my lap when I'm on the computer, mewing when I walk away and then following me. I feel so bad! So now, some kitten love!!!!
Various topics - listening, the issue of a life plan, and being afraid
Some different and slightly related things that have been percolating around in my brain lately:
Two days ago at an auxiliary meeting for my volunteer group, the executive director was telling us how appreciative various parents were at the Christmas party for the children and also about out program for adopting needy families and buying them gifts. To tell us more about things that some of the parents said, he called in a cute little Hispanic guy named Luis.
I'd never met Luis before, although he said hi to me at the door when I had arrived, but within thirty seconds I knew he was one of the best people, a very, very special soul. He started by telling us that for many years, before he came to this organization to work, he worked with terminally ill patients at a hospital. He said that what he did most often at that job was just sit by the beds and listen to the people, really listen to them, because they all had a story to tell and they just needed and really wanted someone to listen to them. He went on to tell us about some of the parents whose children are benefitting from our program, and that he listened to them as they, in tears, watched their children sitting on Santa's lap, and that many said they had thought they were going to have to tell their children this year that Santa wasn't real, so they wouldn't be disappointed when there were no presents. But now, because of our programs, their children would receive presents and could spend another year believing in miracles.
What Luis said about really listening to people has resonated with me ever since. We all want that, for someone to listen and really hear what we have to say. To make us feel special because that person wants to know. And it's something that I try to do as well - to ask the questions and really listen to people. Because everyone has something to say, and having someone really listen makes people happy!
The Meat has actually talked to me about just that, and when Luis was talking I was reminded very much of many conversations with The Meat. He's said quite a few times that everyone has a story to tell. And that we should ask, and get people to tell their stories. The Meat is great at that, at taking an interest in everyone around him, and getting them to talk and tell their stories. He's such an inspiration and teaches me so much! And you know, once people start talking and telling their stories, I find connections or some similiar ground, and also just enjoy hearing what they have to say! But although I'm very good at the listening part, and the caring part, I need to work on the asking part. So that's one of my resolutions in my quest to become a better person and fully enjoy life! Ask more questions!
Next item. I never posted about my time with my dad this past Saturday. My mom was feeling much better, able to be by herself, so my dad and I went out Christmas shopping for the afternoon. The past few times I've been home I hadn't spent any alone time with my dad, so this was really good for us. When we're at home we tease each other and do the normal bit of small-talk stuff, but don't really big talk. Or just hang out like I can do with my mom. We had a great day, and we even went to two camera stores! I ADORE cameras, and knew my dad had been a little into photography before I was born, but since then he's never shown any interest in cameras and actually gets upset when there are too many cameras around and everyone is taking pictures. So I was pretty excited, and still am, that he's getting interested again! Yay!
After we had been out for awhile, we stopped to get some late lunch. And I knew it was the perfect time to tell him, so I went for it, and told him about the big change I'd recently made in my life - the telling everyone about my alcoholism and stopping drinking. He was a bit blown away, understandably, because he had no idea. I didn't go into too much detail, just told him the basics, because I didn't want it to make him sad. He listened while I told him everything, and I emphasized more than once that I'm happier now than I've been in years. He was proud of me and happy, I could tell, that I was happy and doing something so positive.
And then he told me that now I need to focus on getting a new job, and advancing in my career. And looking for a guy so I can get married, because the longer I wait, the harder it will be, as he said. All this is where my dad and I don't completely see eye to eye. Not that I don't want a new job and want to be married and have children. But it's just the way he looks at it that bothers me. It's hard to exactly explain, but it's kind of that he doesn't see the value in living each day and really being happy, but is more focused on following The Right Path - which to him is getting married at such-and-such an age, starting a family at such-and-such and age, moving up in your career - just following the life schedule that he believes all people should follow and most do. And if you don't, you're a bit off, and something's wrong with you or you'll never be happy, or something like that.
My mom has told me that my dad's never really been happy in the sense that he doesn't live for the present. When they were married, he would say they'd be happy when they had children. Then when my brother and I were little, he was looking forward to us being out of diapers and all. Then he was looking forward to us being in school, because that would be better. And so on - always wanting the next phase to start because THAT will be the good time. Thank GOD I'm not like that!!!
So anyway, my dad and I talked, and I listened to what he said, and was very calm the whole time (as opposed to the many times when he'll frustrate me). I told him that I'm happy now, and I live each day, and I want all those things, and they will happen eventually when they're meant to. But he wouldn't accept that and would repeat that "well, you better get started, cause time is passing quickly." Ughhhhh! I hate that! Luckily I didn't buy his stuff and start to feel pressured and stressed. But like I said, we just don't see eye to eye.
Anyway, at one point I was getting all philosophical about things, as I can sometimes do. And talking about the marriage and job thing, and the living each day fully thing, and other stuff. And then my dad made a comment that threw me a little, mentally. He said, "I don't know about what, but I get the feeling that you're afraid of something."
My dad isn't a very intuitive guy usually, or at least that's not how I view him. But a lot of things flashed quickly in my mind, things that I'm afraid of. And I wondered first if it's that obvious, and second, if maybe I'm closing myself off to a new job and a relationship because of these things I'm afraid of, and I don't even realize it. Interesting. And I don't know the answer.
And THEN, I read NetworkChic's recent amazing post about the things we're afraid of, and I read all the comments, and it was almost heartwarming to hear that we're all a bit afraid, and about many of the same things depending on where we are in our lives. And then I started thinking more about what I'm afraid of, and whether those fears are keeping me stagnant. The thing is that I know I am kind of afraid of things, but at the same time I can't fully put my finger on what exactly some of those things are. So maybe I'm afraid and maybe I'm actually just way overanalyzing this - which reminds me that my dad said exactly that - I overthink things and overanalyze things. I'm not sure he's right, but then again, maybe he is. Hmmmm.
Anyway, I'm going to try to list some of the things that I'm afraid of, and see what comes out.
1. The first thing that popped in my head when my dad made his observation was actually God and religion. It's something that's been bothering me for months now, and the few times I've tried talking to someone about it, I cry. Here's the thing - I've been raised Lutheran, and am a Christian. But also, I look all around me at all the wonderful people in the world, and I view God as loving and as the big psychologist who understands our minds and thoughts and also society and such. So he knows that if I had been born and raised as Muslim, I'd still be Muslim. And if I'd been raised Jewish, I'd still be Jewish. Etc, etc. The Christian faith teaches us that only Christians go to heaven - but I can't possibly believe that, because God knows and understands us all and therefore it makes no logical sense that he'd send the rest of the people to hell. And I see similarities between at least these three religions, at least from my point of view. So if I see everyone as going to heaven, and I see similiaries, then maybe we're all right in a way. But at the same time, I wouldn't convert. So that must mean I see the others as wrong somehow. But I don't want to. But then also, if I see all the religions as right on some level, and I think we're all going to heaven, then what is right? And how do I know what's right? And what if I'm actually wrong and one of the others is right? And then I get into even scarier thoughts based on the purpose of religion from early times, and our human need for a religion, and start wondering if any of it is real and true, or just created for a purpose. But it's about faith, and faith is about not having proof but just believing. But what do I believe? And based on what? I'm having an internal crisis and I don't know what to do about it. And it makes me very, very, very uneasy and in turn - afraid.
2. I think I might be afraid of starting a new relationship for some reason, but I'm not sure exactly why or if I am - but I do know that I don't seem to have any interest in trying to or in looking for someone right now. Also, I'm afraid of following life's path as per my dad, and getting married to someone and losing myself and my dreams and falling into a boring comfort zone with nothing exciting and nothing pushing boundaries and just blah, blah, blah. And I'm afraid that something in this normal life path will make me move to the suburbs and buy a house and suddenly be competing with the Jones's and look foward to Saturdays when I garden and my husband mows the lawn. And the idea makes me want to hurl. And I want to have children and look forward to that, but when I think of the gradeschool years, and interacting with all the other boring and conforming mothers, and going to school sports events every night, and - oh I have to stop because that also makes me want to hurl. I'm afraid of life becoming so normal, and so boring, and so unspecial. And I know inside that I shouldn't be scared of that - and that when the time comes when my children go to school, it will special and wonderful just like every day is special and wonderful. And I know that I don't have to and won't move to the suburbs and become a disgusting and boring person, just because I get married and have children. I know this, but I'm still afraid. And I'm also afraid of being married and then growing apart, and just going through the motions with no real love and passion. And I'm afraid of getting older so that I'm no longer the pretty young one, and instead being worried about my husband looking at the cute young ones and not wanting me. And I'm worried about getting married and never again feeling that intense excitement of a new crush and so looking forward to getting your hands on each other. And I'm kind of afraid that I'd have an affair in order to get the affirmation and excitement in my life if the passion is gone with my husband and our lives are boring.
Okay, that's enough for today. I feel very introspective right now. But also kind of good for organizing my thoughts regarding all of the above, so they aren't just swimming around in my head.
I'll end on a good note, a GREAT note: tomorrow morning I'm getting some action, and THANK GOD!!! I've been ridiculously wet in the panties all week long and desperately need some fucking!
My story of extreme cold and suffering [a violin plays in the background], and all the things I've gotten done and have still to do
It's late, yes. After midnight, and I so should be sleeping. But I just showered so I won't have to do that in the morning! So I'm writing now because 1) that way my hair can dry a little before bed and 2) if I don't blog now, I won't have time until at the earliest tomorrow afternoon and I'll be thinking about the fact that I feel compelled to write and it will stress me out. And I'm having stress issues as it is. There - I've justified my staying up even later!!!
I woke up late today. Sometimes I want to just KICK myself! I had promised my mom that she didn't need to call me for the rest of the week so she could sleep in and heal better. When she called at 7:30 just to make sure I was awake I told her a fib and said yes, cause otherwise she'd get up to call me tomorrow and Friday. I took a cab the four miles west to my volunteer metting and got there just in time for the meeting to start at 9:45. I know...I'm reeeeeaaalllly slow in the morning. And was out $13 for the cab. Fuck! And kicking myself!
Today was the day that we were supposed to bring the bags with gifts for our adopted needy families. I was supposed to go to Target last night and didn't have time and so planned to go this morning and that didn't happen. So I told the lady I left it at work (I know, I'm TERRIBLE) and would bring it later.
I left the clinic at 11:30. My plan was to get a cab to Target, get the gift cards, take a cab to work and I'd get there in time for the planned lunch with Florida, The Meat, The Queen, and TIC. I walked and walked and no cabs and I thought about getting the bus and waited briefly but no bus so walked more and no cabs. After eight blocks and waiting on a corner with no luck, I headed north on what I thought was a semi-busy street with the possibility of cabs, but of course no cabs. Four blocks later I stopped and waited for ten minutes for a bus going east. I asked the lady waiting with me if I could walk to Target from there, cause I knew it was nearby, but she said it was a ways. But after the ten minutes and no bus in sight I had to walk so I started out. I walked under the highway which was interesting. Luckily there were no homeless guys sleeping there, but I admit that I kept looking around and behind me cause I really don't know too much about the area. And by the way, a bus passed me soon after, of course.
I called into work and reported that I probably wouldn't make it in time for lunch, since it was 12:20. And then I trudged through some sidewalks that hadn't been shoveled and started wimpering from feeling sorry for myself. When Target was finally in sight I was wiping a few tears from my face. I'm becoming quite a crybaby.
I went in and thought about buying a gift for the 8-year-old of the family so I looked around the boy's toys, but there were so many to choose from and anyway, I'd have to carry it, and I figured with a gift card he could get what he liked. So I bought 5 gift cards with $40 on each, for the four boys in the family and one for the parents to share. And then went outside to get a cab cause I thought MAYBE I could make it to lunch. But once again, no fucking cabs anywhere in sight, or else all taken. It wasn't so surprising I know, since I was still pretty far west, west for cabs and me at least.
After some waiting and no luck, I walked to Diversey cause with it being a busier street, I thought I'd have more luck. Right when I got there a bus was just passing. I waited at the bus stop for whatever came first, a bus or cab. Florida called after the first fifteen minutes to find out where we were, and I got all boohoo-y again for a bit until she and The Queen made me laugh. And then I waited for a total of over FORTY MINUTES, not a single fucking open cab or bus that ENTIRE TIME. I was too cold to be pissed, too cold to cry, the cold had been seeping into me until it was in my bone marrow, and then I saw an open cab and on principle, since I'd been waiting for so long, I wanted to wait for a bus, but I was hurting and I was so cold, so I took the cab and shelled out $17 to get downtown. And I didn't fully warm up until just a bit ago, I think. Cold SUCKS!!!!!!! My Uggs which are usually so warm were wet so my feet were cold. My butt was like an icecube. My lips couldn't move normally until I'd been at work for awhile. And when I looked in the mirror after I got in the cab (to make sure I was presentable) my skin was PUCKERED!!! The skin on my face! It was terrible and awful to look at! And so scary for me!
Alright, I'll stop all the crying now. But I didn't get to work until after 2:30, so that should tell how long I was outside for.
Then I got really stressed about volunteer group stuff, presents to buy, and so many more things in my head. My mom told me this morning that my brother called her and was so excited cause he finally figured out what to get me, and that it's a really nice gift and he's so excited cause I'll really like it. That's so wonderful, but now I feel so much pressure to get him and the bitch something that he'll like a lot, too!! Ahhh!
Tonight I worked on picking my Christmas picture (check!), I wrote up my report for tomorrow's volunteer meeting (check!), I wrote up the meeting agenda (check!), I analzyed the bank statements from the past few months and figured out our exact final profit on our wine party benefit (check!), I went through all the Treasurer's stuff and familiarized myself and wrote up the Treasurer's report for this month (our Treasurer is in Florida for the next four months, so I've taken over that job as well) (check!), I emailed myself reminders for all the little things I need to do before the meeting tomorrow (check!), I found the checkbooks in the Treasurer's bags and have those set aside so I can write myself a check tomorrow for the money I spent on the Target gift cards and get the other Board member to sign it(check!), I organized all my other volunteer group shit that's sitting around (check!) - but of course, I have stuff sitting around in many places, all unorganized, and this was only one pile of it. Oh, and I'm blogging now (check!). So I feel much less stressed right now!
But tomorrow I really, really, REALLY have to get up super early so I can take the bus to the clinic to drop off the gift cards for our family, then take the L to work and get there by 9 so I can update my boss on a big matter we have up at 10:30, and I'd really like to go watch an oral argument at 10, but I can only do that if I get to work on time and get my boss up to speed.
Okay, I'm done. I feel better also after writing all this out!!! From my sad story of coldness, to all my little accomplishments tonight!!! Getting the stuff out of my head and onto paper (or screen) is often the best thing I can do for myself to relieve stress and frustration! And my stress isn't all gone, but it's lessened for now cause I actually feel like I've gotten some stuff off my list. And yay, I LOVE checking things off lists!!!!! :)
Oh I'm so happy right now! I'm almost in disbelief, I feel so incredibly spoiled! That's right, I'm ONLINE AT HOME!!!!! Yay!!!!!! The German ran the recovery cd tonight and then fixed me up by downloading all the programs I'd lost, and now I can use my computer again!!! The world is so beautiful!!!
The one tiny problem, which I'll have to address soon but isn't an emergency - I'm borrowing someone else's internet because I can't remember for the life of me what my own password key is. I don't even know for sure if I wrote it down anywhere. If I did, I know the notebook it would be in, but of course I have no idea where that notebook has snuck off to. The German said we would have to reset the router or something like that. It might have to be done. My mom would be so frustrated with me and my lack of organization if she were here right now!
But now, I am so incredibly tired. I just had to share my joy at being online at home! The German left just twenty minutes ago, and I need to go to bed. So I can somehow drag my ass out of bed even earlier than I usually plan to get up.
I'm using my computer at home - I'm so happy!!!!!!! :)
Stressed, and it sucks!
I'm alive and well, I swear. A little stressed at the moment because I can't seem to get anything done that I need to get done. Most of it isn't urgent, but the list of things is floating around in my head and really stressing the fuck out of me!
I started writing a post about the end of my weekend, and I'll finish it tomorrow.
I have to leave work now so I can run to the bookstore and get a present for The German, who turned 41 today, and then stop at the grocery store to pick up what I need in order to make him dinner tonight. Last night I made chocolate cupcakes, so I just need to get frosting and candles and that part will be finished at least. I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he requested my meatloaf, so that's what will be cooking in my home tonight!
And then tomorrow morning at 9:45, it's the auxiliary meeting for my volunteer group, but before that I have to stop at Target to get gift cards for our adopted family, and a little toy for the one young boy. It opens at 8:00 am, and I have to walk to Diversey and then get the bus from there. I'm going to have to get up sooooooooooo early tomorrow morning, and I'm terrible at getting up early! Then a bunch of us are going for a late birthday lunch for Florida. And sometime I need to stop at a yarn store so I can start knitting scarves for my brother and my bitch of a sister-in-law. And I need to deposit checks and organize money for the volunteer group, since the Treasurer just left for Florida for four months and so now I get to take that over as well. But I'm so unorganized!!! And I have Christmas presents to buy but no time to shop! Thursday night is our chapter volunteer meeting, and time to shop is just disappearing! There's no time to do anything!
I'm going to calm down, I swear. I'm feeling a bit of a sore throat and I can't get sick now. Tonight at least The German can fix my computer. Yes, I got it back on Sunday, but with regards to the crashing, they just said there were no hardware problems, which means it's a software problem. Tonight he can run my re-whatever it's called cd, and start the whole fucking thing over from scratch. At least if I could be able to get on the internet at home I'd be able to email back all the people who I haven't responded to! And fuck, pick my Christmas picture and change the background so I can get those printed out. And that reminds me that I have to do my Christmas cards still!
Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck, tomorrow I will be much better. I HATE it when I let myself get stressed, it sucks shit! And I'll chill a bit tonight, or at least try my best before I have to get up so fucking early tomorrow morning!!!!
Too much action is annoying! (I'm not talking about THAT kind of action, though!)
I'm a little sleep-deprived since I've been staying up late with my mom and then getting up early when she gets up, so I've been on and off peevish today. And even while I get annoyed when my mom nags me about stuff, and I know it's lack of sleep and I should just be nice, I haven't totally been.
Don't get me wrong - I haven't been mean to her, just annoyed. She's starting to feel better today, which is so good! But that means she's not sitting on the couch and resting like she should be and is instead walking around and trying to find things to do. At least it's been that way for the past six hours. This morning she went to the doctor's office and got the tube taken out of her neck and received the final pathology report: all benign. When she got back here she was really tired so slept on the couch until 2:30. After she woke up, I made us some soup so she could eat real food, and even while she was eating she asked me three times to get the paper and mail. And asked me to put some of her books away. And then asked again. And then other stuff.
I'm a kind of lazy person, I know that. So while I will get things done eventually, I wait awhile to get started. And then maybe accomplish only some of the things. My mom is an action person, so when she gets it in mind to get stuff done, she wants to get started THAT MINUTE and is antsy and nagging until it gets done. Ughhhhhhh!!!! Drvies me crazy sometimes!!!! She cleaned half the kitchen herself because she just wouldn't sit still. Which also annoyed me.
However, in the midst of my annoyance this afternoon, I also stumbled upon some fun! A little dorky fun, but fun for me regardless! I went into my mom's closet to find a pair of my dad's pajama bottoms for her to wear, and happened to look up and see my baby book and some other keepsake treasures! So I returned downstairs with the baby book, a few of my brother and my favorite children's books that my mom had saved, and a box with a bunch of old school and professional photos of us.
And also in this pile were two things that I've thought about every once in awhile and thought may have been lost: a short story I wrote in 8th grade that won first place in a local writing contest, and a choose-your-own-adventure book that I wrote and put together in 5th grade while taking extra classes!!! How fun!!! I loved re-reading them, especially the 8th grade story! It was set in Ancient Greece and had as characters three of the gods up on Mount Olympus, as well as a human girl who was beautiful but self-absorbed only with her own beauty, power, and wealth. For her sins, the gods turned her into a diamond - where she would always have beauty, power, and wealth. I remember writing the story and being so proud of it! And after re-reading it, I have to say that it wasn't too bad, and was quite, quite good for a 13-year-old!
I also went through my entire baby book, and loved reading my mom's little narrative of my development, month by month for my first two years, and every three months after that, until I was 7 1/2. It's fascinating how much little babies learn and how they change each month, and how they quickly become little people! It's also fascinating how much of our respective characters are nature - after all, babies are born with such different personalities! I read my brother's baby book after my own, and as children we were completely different, almost opposites. And from reading my mom's notes, our various characteristics were showing up at really early ages, before nurture could have too much of an effect. Of course, I also see really big differences in how I was as a child and who I am now, but I don't think I could ever now be like my brother was then, it's just not in my nature. My own personal view on the nature/nurture issue, from what I learned as a psychology major to everything I've observed and learned since, is that the genes and/or soul we're born with determines the perimeters within which our character and personality will almost always fall (I see it as a cube of sorts in my mind), and then our nurture/life experiences determine where within that box we actually fall - with that of course changing slightly as well as we grow. Anyway, it's such an interesting topic for me to both think about myself and discuss! And I loved reading how I was then while knowing how I am now.
How helping my mom is helping me as well
I'm at my parents' house now, and much happier!
Yesterday I cried at work, and then was fine, and then cried again when I was leaving. I cried a bit, on and off, on the train, but mostly I just listened to my music and shut my eyes, and even managed to sleep a couple times! I continued feeling sorry for myself until I got home, and then my focus changed immediately to my mom.
On the car ride home my dad was frustrated, he complained about my mom worrying, about too many people calling, about this and that. He doesn't deal well with most things and instead just gets mad, and he's always been that way. When I told him to just relax and try to not let the little things get to him because my mom needs him to not stress her more, he yelled at me a bit. So I told him off. And then told him I'd take care of everything and help her relax and man the phones and he didn't need to worry any longer. We didn't talk again until we got home.
My mom looked okay when I got here, and it was time to clean her incision. I watched so I could do it during the day today. But - my stomach started hurting a little as I watched, and then suddenly I was so lightheaded so I sat down. A minute later my mom told me I didn't look too good, so I went into the other room and laid down. Apparently, I will never be a surgeon! The incision wasn't the problem - it's only about three inches long and sewed quite nicely. The problem is the drainage tube coming out of her neck just behind the incision. It's way too much for me to handle! Luckily, she gets it taken out tomorrow! That's good for her, too, cause it's uncomfortable and also a bit of a pain for her to have to carry around the thing it drains into.
So anyway though, early this morning we talked and she told me her various worries, and I made her see why each one was either not logical, or not something she could control, and I reminded her that she'd only heard good things about the doctor, and that the doctor told my dad after the surgery that everything looked as good as it could possibly look. Apparently, my dad hadn't told her exactly what the doctor had said; he'd only told her the tumor was benign. I also told her that her only job right now, and the only thing she could control, was to heal herself, and to do that she needed to rest, to sleep, to drink fluids, and to not worry - since stress slows the body's natural healing. Since I was completely right, she could only agree with me! :)
So she's been really good all day and been resting and/or sleeping most of the time, and in between I sit with her and talk, and get her her medicine, and make her drink and eat. Yesterday she was really stressed because of my dad, so she hardly slept and didn't drink nearly enough fluids. She's used to doing everything herself, and she honestly thought that she'd be fine and reading a book a day and doing her Christmas cards and getting stuff done. So at least she's now acknowledged that the healing process will take some time, and she's listening to her body.
I'm so glad that I'm home for her! And I actually feel so honored and lucky that I can be here for her and care for her after all the billions of things she's done for me, and how she has cared for me so many times while I was sick.
Also, I just drove a car for the first time in I don't remember how long! When my dad stopped home to clean my mom's wound this afternoon, I made a quick trip to Walgreens to pick up prescriptions of my own - I was and still am having quite the withdrawal from the antidepressants as Tuesday was the last time I took them. It's weird driving again after I haven't for awhile. On the one hand, it's completely natural. But on the other hand, I'm so completely aware of everything I'm doing and being so so so careful. Oh - and I was inspired by a post NetworkChic
wrote, and I emptied all the change in my wallet into the Salvation Army container when I left Walgreens! The guy standing out there was so nice and so COLD! But the giving and not walking right past made me feel really wonderful, and I still do!
So anyway, I'm doing much better because I feel good caring for my mom. And I'm not so much feeling sorry for myself anymore, although I've still gotten all teary-eyed a couple times today while writing emails. But my mom is the most important thing, and her happiness and comfort are what is occupying my mind. After all, people are the most important thing. Jobs come and go, money comes and goes, but relationships and love are what really touches us and makes life so fucking amazing.
By the way, "Walk On" by U2 is on right now and is absolutely the most perfect song that I could think of for this moment.
Tylenol Allergy REALLY works
I'm feeling a little better today, but still really down. And get really teary eyes when I think about everything. My eyes are also sore from all the crying last night, and very swollen and a bit red. It makes me look so hot!! :) Last night I took some Tylenol Cold medicine to dry me up so I could sleep - and I had developed quite a headache from all the nose-blowing and sniffing. This morning I was again starting to cry every time I thought about what I'd say to The Meat, so to help dry up as much of my bodily fluids as possible, I took a double dose of Tylenol Allergy. It's finally now starting to kick in. Of course I still cried a little bit when talking to The Meat, but it was nothing compared to last night and even this morning. And luckily, Florida told The Meat about it before I got here today so he was so understanding and did his best to pump me up again. He's just wonderful! And his pump up actually really helped. I'm still sad about it, and down on myself, but he reiterated what's really important in life, and pointed out all the good in me and that something else will come along, and that he's completely in my corner and believes in me. It's just what I needed to hear I guess, and even though my eyes tear up now and then, I feel much better. But it's going to take a few days until I'm not sad and don't cry anymore.
Update on my computer - I went last Saturday to Best Buy to pick it up, and they couldn't find it anywhere. Eventually they saw that it was sent back to the service center just after Thanksgiving because even though the service center had reported that they fixed everything, they didn't. The power chord still wasn't working. The guy helping me was so nice and apologized profusely for the service center. He said it happens frequently that they receive computers back and the problems haven't been fixed, so they have to resend it, asking the guys to actually fix it the second time. I should have it back in another week, according to the guy.
The second dose of Tylenol Allergy is really kicking in now. I should have just waited longer for the first dose to work, cause I'm feeling really out of it now.
By the way, this past weekend was just wonderful! On Friday night we had a surprise 30th birthday party for Florida, and the surprise worked!!! Asparagus did a wonderful job planning it!!! Florida thought that she, Asparagus and I were going to dinner that night, and the next night she'd be seeing other friends out in the burbs. When we were almost to the restaurant, we had a neighbor call Asparagus to tell him that a pipe burst and there was water running down the wall in the guy's apartment and probably in Florida and Asparagus's place. In the cab going there, Flordia was saying it was Asparagus's fault for courtesy flushing. And Asparagus and I were perfect liars, cause we never once cracked a smile the whole time! When we got to their apartment, Florida saw appetizers sitting out and coats on the bed, so she knew something was up. But when she walked into the kitchen, I don't think she expected that many people to be there! It was wonderful!!! And the chocolate cake I made went over well, too! It was a really fun night! And also, I wasn't tempted at all to drink, which I was worried about since it was the first time I was around people drinking since I've stopped. And that reminds me...
Today it has been four weeks since my last drink!! I'm so proud of myself! Yay!!!
On Saturday I had a rendezvoux with my hookup buddy in the morning, and then The German came over later to take my family Christmas picture with me, James and Emma. We took tons of pictures and most didn't turn out perfectly, but some of them turned out really cute! So now I just need to decide which one I like. And The German is going to help me by using photoshop to take out the background in the picture and put in some Christmas background! On Saturday night I started knitting a new scarf while watching the third Harry Potter movie on HBO.
And Sunday was a fabulous day!! I went with Florida and Asparagus out to Asparagus's dad's house in the burbs to watch the Bears-Packers game. I absolutely ADORE Asparagus's dad. (I'll call him A-dad for short. I know it's not very creative, but there are so many silly and crazy things about him that I can't possibly focus on just one!) He is the funniest man, and so silly, and just wonderfully funny! First of all, there's his house. Florida and Asparagus had warned me, and they didn't exaggerate at all. It smells terrible. It's so messy and undecorated or sloppily decorated. And his three cats for real rule the house. Another thing - he loves reading about history such as the Roman Empire and ancient Egypt, and watches the History Channel and Learning Channel and all that, but he also loves MTV and BET and listening to Christina Aguilera and Beyonce. And I guess blaring the music in the summer. And he pours the cat's old litter into a neighbor's yard. He is sooooooo silly! And has me in absolute stitches when I'm around him!!!
After the game, the four of drove around Lake Forest and looked at all the mansions there, and
walked along the snow-covered beach. And we saw two foxes (or I think it might just be "fox") in a cemetary and I took pictures! Then we went to a mall for a bit, and then we ate dinner at a Greek restaurant. By the end of dinner I thought I might throw my dinner up as my stomach hurt so much from laughing. And Florida's cheeks hurt from laughing and Asparagus had a headache from laughing. As I said, A-dad is HYSTERICAL! By the time Florida and Asparagus dropped me off at home at around 9:30, I was so tired from the wonderful and active day, and also so happy because it had been the most fun day!! I love hanging out with them!!
I REALLY wish now that I hadn't taken the second dose of medicine. I'm sleepy and when I just got up to get hot water for my tea, I was a bit dizzy. Once again I was stupid. At least I'll probably sleep on the train tonight.
Quick update on my mom - she ended up staying in the hospital last night because she was so dizzy and nauseous. So she was planning to go home early this morning. I'll do a wonderful job taking care of her for the new three days, and cleaning her wound and all that. And I'm glad she's home as compared to in the hospital! And I'll be able to use her computer!
I'm tired, I'm out of it, I may go lay down for a bit.
The Best and then the Worst
Today I received the best of news and then later, the worst of news.
The best of news is that my mom is okay. The surgery went well this morning and the tumor was benign. The doctor said everything looked as good as it could possibly look, and I'm so happy about that. And happy for her that she won't have any deforming scars. She goes home tonight, and tomorrow night I take the train there so I'll be with her until early Sunday morning, and my dad can go to work on Thursday and Friday. It's the most wonderful news, and I'm so happy and relieved.
Then 45 minutes ago I got the worst news, and I still can't stop crying. For the past two days I've worked really hard at getting my application for a city job together, and The Meat has helped so much, and I've been so excited about it and how perfect he job is for me. And The Meat has been so excited as well, and we've talked all about it. And this afternoon I walked the application over and dropped it off with the receptionist. And felt so wonderful!
An hour later the hiring lady called me and said she wanted to call me personally because the position was filled over a month ago. I managed to keep the tears out of my voice almost the whole time. She couldn't tell me what other positions are open but she said they're always hiring, and she asked whether I wanted to walk over a different cover letter tomorrow, which I said I would do. And then I couldn't walk back in to see The Meat, and my boss had already left so I locked myself in his office and wept. And I still am, weeping, that is. I should have called to confirm that the job was still open. I should have finished the application back in the middle of the October when I heard it was still open, and maybe they would have interviewed me then. I feel so awful that The Meat did so much to help me and was so excited for me. I am devastated like the love of my life just dumped me.
I'm going to have to pay for a cab to take me home, because I look hideous and have so obviously been weeping. And of course I can't stop crying still, so people on the bus would be wondering what my deal was. But nothing is going to make me feel better right now, I'm in the lowest of places. I finally felt like I was in a place to move forward a little in my life - after all, the last time I had alcohol was November 9, so it's been a whole month. And in that month I've come to work every day, and been a much better worker, and been happier, and I knew that I could actually handle a real job finally. If I'd have gotten this job I would have seen everyone who I work with now on a regular basis, and they are my family and I adore them. It would have been so perfect. And I would have worked with so many other people who I'm familiar with. Now I feel like I'm back to square one and I'm going to be a loser and work at this current job forever (and people never stay even as long as I've already stayed). I'm going to be a serial loser. I'm so sad.
I need to go collect a couple things that I left in The Meat's office and then I want to go home. The Meat knocked on my boss's door while I was in there, I could tell by his knock. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I called him a bit later and it went to voicemail so I know he knocked, looking for me to see if I wanted to walk out with him. When I leave soon I'm going to have to pull my hat extra low over my eyes so everyone I pass doesn't stare at me and wonder what happened.
I'm hoping that by tomorrow my normal positive attitude will kick in and I'll be able to say that it wasn't meant to be and that there's something better out there that I'm destined to get, but I don't think I'll get to that point tomorrow or soon. Instead I'm devastated, and feel like I let everyone down and myself down, and I hate myself and I'm a loser and I'm worried that I'll never be happy again. And also that I'll never be able to stop crying. And I know I should be so happy because my mom is okay and I should see that that's what is really important, but I'm completely unable to think that way right now, although I am of course ecstatic about her being okay. Tomorrow I'll have to tell The Meat about the job being filled, and I'm going to cry when I do, I don't think there's any way to get around it.
I'm sorry for the boohoo session. And I know, poor me, things are infinitely worse for so many people around the world. But I'm selfishly sad right now. Tomorrow at least I won't be weeping, hopefully. And I'll recount my fun weekend for a more fun read.
I'm so sleepy!!! Last night I stayed at work until 8, not working but catching up on some of my emails. And then when I got home I had to stop at the grocery store and then do a bit of cooking, and then get my laundry organized and taken downstairs, and all that and by the time I was finished with everything and getting into bed, it was 2 am! And the sleepiness is setting in now. My eyes look tired, too. I'll have to try to freshen up a bit before I leave, so I don't look like death!
Tomorrow I'm getting my computer back for sure. So hopefully by tomorrow evening I'll be set up to use it at home again! And then I can type something more interesting.
But right now I have to leave, and also I'm so sleepy that I can't think of a single thing to write about!
Things to do, things to do, and fun sex ed!!
I've been kind of busy all day, getting lots of little things done. I've definitely come to the realization over the past few weeks (since I've been actually looking at myself again instead of hiding) that I am a terrible multitasker. Terrible, horrible, awful - none of these adjectives are strong enough. When I have lots of little things to do, I can't seem to get organized. I lose things in my piles, I forget things, I get a tiny bit stressed - it sucks! And I feel like I get hardly any of them done then. And if I have a big project, I have to finish the little things first or I can't concentrate on the big one. I don't know if there's any good way to improve upon this flaw? I love lists and use them all the time, and today that did help me a bit to remember the various things. And I LOVE crossing things off on lists. Often I go back and make up a list of all the things I've already done that day so I can cross them off and feel good about myself! Put dishes in dishwasher? Check! Clean kitchen? Check! Take out trash in bathroom? Check! Take out trash in kitchen? Check! Anyway, you get my point. But at work I'm just terrible when there are little things and it takes me all day to get them done. And I forgot a couple little things that I've just realized now! Fuck!!
The other day I mentioned a new book of mine! It's called Veronica Monet's Sex Secrets of Escorts
. Now, I watch a lot of porn and am not inexperienced, and I know how to do things quite well, but one can always learn more. And I'm really interested - she says in the opening chapters that she's had over 1,800 clients - she actually gave an exact number, she kept track. So she's seen a lot and learned a lot about men, about sex, and about so much more I'm sure. I've been reading it a little before bed for the past couple nights, and so far there's nothing astounding, but some bits do get me thinking.
And while reading last night and thinking, I even realized what got me the absolute hottest and about ready to orgasm at the slightest touch. I'd never thought about it enough such that I could actually tell a guy what to do, and I'm not talking about just where to touch or what feels good. I've been a little challenged recently as well by my play partner - he asks what I want, what I want him to do, etc., and wants me to really talk to him about it. I've never had a guy really come right out and ask even before any touching what I want. So I'm getting better at telling exactly what I want. He also asks me what I fantasize about, and has me describe the fantasy in detail. That's new to me as well, being vocal like that. So with her book and me getting more experience in vocalizing things, it's quite exciting at the moment!!
Tomorrow is Florida's 30th birthday (Happy early Birthday!!!!) and The Meat and I are going to lunch with Florida and her boss. It will be a fun time I'm sure, and I'm laughing a bit just thinking about it. See, Florida's boss so admires The Meat and wants his approval, and we all know it, so we'll be seeing him do his best and be so excited to be having lunch with The Meat. Plus, we're eating at some fancy-schmancy club, and while I usually want to gag at the thought of some club with guys walking around feeling rich and amazing, I've heard that the dining room at this club looks sort of Harry Potter-ish!! With big stained glass windows and a gothic-type look, or something like that. So I'll be impressed and have fun, and Florida, The Meat and I will be secretly laughing at all the people are so impressed with themselves!
It's late, I didn't even get every little tiny thing for today done, and I also didn't write any of the emails that I really need to write - I've been TERRIBLE with getting back to people! Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll do it all! And tonight I'll write out my list!