A few pictures because I'm too sleepy to write!
I'm too tired to write anything - I don't know why I'm so sleepy, but I should have gone to bed an hour ago because I can hardly keep my eyes open. So for tonight, I'll just share two completely adorable pictures of my little babies!! :) I had to shake the hanging chord for the ceiling fan to get their attention at the same time, and I love how in each picture they mirror each other!
Okay, I'll add just a few more pictures, too. These were from a few weeks ago, sailing with The German. We went out with this other boat and we each took pictures of each others' boats and sailing action. The skies had such beautiful color, and I thought I got some good shots for my first time doing close-range action photography in rough waters (yes, they were rough even though it doesn't look like it) and in quickly diminishing light.
This next one I know isn't a great shot because the skyline isn't supposed to be in the direct middle of the shot. But I like it anyway because out of all the pictures I snapped, this one happened be both straight and relatively crisp (at least in a small picture) and shows off the gorgeous Chicago skyline!
Some Serious Horniness and Gratitude Tuesday - the "J"s
Photo by Jody Schiesser (who is just amazing!!! And who I found thanks to Paula, who always finds such cool pictures!)
Fall was in the air today, and it had SUCH an effect on me! When I was walking home from the train tonight I kept breathing in deeply because I just loved the smell of the crisper air and the freshness and the feeling and smell of life in the air!! It was so wonderful! And all day at work, even though I didn't go outside because it was raining, I could just feel a difference, an extra crispness to the air in the building (and I usually don't like it being cold in my office at all but today I relished it and let the cool air happily flow all over my skin).
The biggest effect that all this had was to make me incredibly horny - I'm talking tingles all over my skin, feeling like a tiger was inside me wanting to come out, such an incredible hunger for passion and wanting to be taken and (grunting noise). I still feel it but thankfully for right now it's faded just a bit, helped along by some porn and a vibrator (and I absolutely must remember to be grateful for vibrators when the letter V comes around)!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... On that note (because I can't think of much more to say and my mind is a little preoccupied with reliving all my fabulous thoughts) I'll go right into Gratitude Tuesday, which I'm doing on time this week - yay me!!!!! (Partly because there aren't so many J words so it was an easier week by far!) And this week we're up to the letter "J" and all the things I'm grateful for that begin with the letter J! So here we go:
James - my sweet little baby James!! I am so so so grateful for him (and his little sister Emma, but today is James's day)! My sweet James has such a little personality, and can be so intense, whether it's wanting his love, his food, or his attention and play. He's also very vocal, which makes me laugh so much!! Most of his mews are close-mouthed and just sounds made in the back of his throat, but he can also be a very very very loud mewer when he's hyper and when I ask him, "do you want kitten food?" :) So so cute!!! And so wonderful that I know his mews and what he wants based on the different sounds! Every night when I sit here typing my blog on my couch, he eventually jumps up with me and falls asleep on the opposite pillow - of course, only after I rub his cheeks and give him a little bellyrub! And he likes to spoon with me when I'm laying in bed - either when I first get in bed at night, during the middle of the night if he's able to wake me (by pawing my nose), or in the morning. He comes over all intense and I brush his cheeks with my hand, and then he makes a little circle and cuddles like glue into my side and then flips on his back so I can rub his little belly. And many times he also keeps stretching out his little front legs and doing the Happy Kitty Paw Spread, and I put a finger under each paw as he stretches it out and then he curles back and holds my finger for a few seconds. I could go on for so long, but I just so much love his little habits, his intensity, his outgoing personality, our little times together, and our cuddling. He's so amazing and so incredibly cute, too!! And I just absolutely adore him, and he makes my life so so so so so much richer and filled with love and silliness!!
Joy - from the dictionary: "a very glad feeling; happiness; great pleasure; delight." I really started taking notice of the importance of joy back in college. I can't remember which class it was in or which teacher said this, but he or she said that we're always so preoccupied with the idea of finding happiness - but happiness is just a state to be in, whereas what we should be looking at finding is joy - because that's an emotion and an experience. Well, the explanation was something along those lines. :) I see happiness as more of a "to be" thing, whereas joy is a "to feel" thing. And I like feeling! So ever since that class, I try to distinguish, at least in my mind, between the two. And I am so so so so so so grateful for all the feelings of joy that I get every day and every week! I just LOVE feeling that great pleasure and delight!!! And the word "joy" is just so great, too - I use it or hear it used and instantly it has an effect on my mood! It's just all around wonderful!!!
Jeans - I'm so grateful for jeans, because they are so comfortable, so stylish, so relaxed, so perfect for almost every situation. I don't own many pairs of jeans because there are just so many to choose from - so many colors, so many cuts, so many waists, so many materials, so many makers of jeans - and it's sometimes so hard to find that perfect pair (and I very rarely actually go out to try on tons of jeans). But I oh so love the jeans I do have! I feel much more myself when I'm walking around outside in jeans than in anything else at all. I'm so so so grateful to whoever created this wonderful material!
Jackets - now that fall is coming, I get so excited about being able to wear a light jacket outside. I just love wearing a jacket! And for winter, I am sooooooooooo grateful for jackets (and coats - I use the terms interchangeably) to keep me warm and toasty!
Jokes and Joking and Jolliness - I am never one who can come up with jokes myself, but I so love to laugh so I love love love hearing jokes of all kinds or just any kind of joking that brings a smile to my face and to those around me - laughing brings people together and is so good for the soul! And I saw the word "Jolly" in the dictionary and wondered why I don't use that word more because it's just such a silly and happy word! So I'm adding it to my regular vocabulary - I feel jolly now!! :)
Juice - I usually just drink water, coffee and sometimes tea, and that's pretty much it. But when I want something different, there are so many wonderful juices to drink! I always love cranberry juice, and my most common juice to buy is blueberry juice. Oh and orange juice - so good for you! And apple juice is tasty, too. And so so so many other wonderfully tasty drinks! Oh - and switch around about 180 degrees: I also like to be juicy!
Journaling - it's so so good and healthy to write things out and get your thoughts organized, and it's also interesting and fun to look back - I know I sometimes break out my old journals from my teenage years and am absolutely amazed at what I used to be like! I'm also so grateful for the opportunity to be able to keep a journal online, and it has really opened and changed my life, and allowed me to interact with so many wonderful and fabulous and very special people who I otherwise would never have met. It's all so amazing and makes me so happy! I'm getting all sentimental now and wanting to hug everyone out there!
I'm grateful also for two very fun and very useful phrases in French: joie de vivre and je ne sais quoi - I love them because they're French, and they sound so cool, and they also perfectly express what I want to say because they're so well-known and understood!
Janitors - I'm very very grateful to all the men and women who work as janitors. It's not generally a highly regarded job, and can I'm sure be very gross sometimes, but they really do provide an absolutely invaluable service. Can you imagine if offices and stores and bathrooms and such were never really thoroughly cleaned?!
Jeeps - my first car, which I had for year, was a Honda Civic. But it was one of those with a really ugly flat hatchback (I was just so happy to be getting a car and was so afraid that if I told my dad I didn't like it he'd get mad and not take me out to get me a car at all). A year after I got my license and the Honda, I was in a car accident with my high school boyfriend and his truck flipped. After that, the idea of being in a small car with no headroom terrified me, and so my mom decided to let me get a new car and she gave me some extra money to use because of a scholarship that I was going to be getting in college. So I got a six-month old shiny red Jeep that came with both the hard and soft tops (and it was a great deal because the girl had to sell it quickly when she didn't get the job she was hoping for). I drove the Jeep for my last year of high school and all through college and then had my mom sell it when I moved to Chicago and it paid for my study abroad during my first summer in law school. I still have such fond memories of that wonderful Jeep! It was so fun to drive! And so cool! And I'm a little sad that I'll probably never have such a fun and wild car again. Well, maybe I will get another one someday! :)
Jumping - I can't exactly jump well or high at all, which isn't so surprising. But I still love that we have the ability to jump! And I really really love the very rare opportunities when I get to jump on a trampoline, because those things are so so so so so so so so fun!!!!!
Jails - I have a lot of issues with how our criminal system is run, with how drug possession is punished so harshly, with the death penalty, and with the complete lack of any kind of rehabilitation for prisoners. However, all that being said, I'm still very grateful that we have a criminal system and that we have a place to lock up the very bad and dangerous people in our society.
Jaw - yes, this is a bit of an odd one, but have you ever seen people who have their jaws wired shut?! Our jaws come in very very handy in letting us open our mouths to eat, talk, and smile, among other things. So I am very grateful that my jaw works well and is all in good working order!
Jingles - while these can sometimes be so annoying because they get stuck in our heads, and some jingles in commercials are really terrible, I'm still grateful for the whole idea of the jingle - a catchy little tune that we remember well. I'm sure that many things could potentially qualify as jingles besides annoying commerical songs. So I'm grateful for all those other things!
Java - yes, I already listed coffee in my list of C words, but I really really love drinking coffee - it's so relaxing and so tasty - so I'm listing it again under another name! I'm so tricky!! :)
Jewels - let me first say that I'm not a jewelry girl at all. I don't wear much jewelry, I don't own any expensive or real jewelry, and I don't plan to ever own much more than my wedding and engagement rings and maybe a simple necklace with some kind of diamond charm. But I still love looking at all the sparkly and colorful jewels when I'm at department stores! I just love their different colors and how beautiful they are! So because they brighten my day and beautify the world a little, I am very grateful for them!
July - it's not my favorite month or even my favorite time of year, but I've always loved July just because I was born then. I always thought the word was so pretty and so perfect!
Joining - I love being part of a group, and I still feel special when I am a part of one - which all goes back to I think third and fourth grade when I was the extremely shy little girl who never said a word, had no athletic ability, was the little smart one, and had only about one friend in my entire class. So I love being included now, I love feeling like a member, I love joining in - and I really don't think I ever completely take those feeling and experiences for granted just because I remember so well what it feels like to not belong.
Journeys - from the dictionary: "1) a trip; 2) any course or passage from one stage or experience to another." Life is a journey, each year is a journey, a day itself can even be a journey, a relationship is a journey, a friendship is a journey, a job is a journey, having children is a journey, moving is a journey, and of course - a vacation is a journey and can be a journey in both senses of the word. And I'm so so so grateful for each and every one of these, and for the opportunity to be alive and experiencing all these different journeys for myself!
Jesus - I'm so grateful for Jesus's life and for his death, and for all that he taught us and all he did for us. I'm still quite confused and torn and unsure about many things, but I'm still very grateful for Jesus and his affect on my life.
Go visit CeeCi to see who else has played today!
Okay - time for bed for the babies and I! Oh - I ordered a bed frame tonight!!! I googled the frame I wanted and looked at a bunch of different sites and found the cheapest one that also looked like a good company, so I bought it for much cheaper than I could possibly have paid! I'm so excited! It's so romantic-looking and makes me think of Italy and France and freedom and life - and it'll also come in very handy because I'll be able to hold onto the bars when I'm being fucked (someday but I don't know by who) and I can also be tied to those same bars!!! :) I'll see if blogger will let me include a picture.
Musical Monday and Other Things
It's Musical Monday and I'm so excited about this new CD I bought yesterday! Well originally I was going to play some Southern Rock because Asparagus has been introducing me to some really cool music, and yesterday he made five more CDs for me! And I listened to four of them today and there is some serious good stuff there that I just love, but there's also so much and I've only listened to these songs once now and can't even begin to choose one band and one song, or even two - so that will be coming probably next week.
Well so anyway, yesterday I was in a little store and loved the music I was hearing so asked about it, and the store owner showed me the wonderful display of amazing Putumayo
world music CDs. She had been playing the Blues Around The World CD, and I bought it because I just loved what I was hearing and because I love listening to blues, and because not only was it blues but it was from artists around the world and that makes it even so much more cool, and also because I figured this would not be music that I could easily find to download. And I am just in love with this CD now!! In love!!!!
As usual, it's nearly impossible to choose one song and even so hard to choose just two, but I'll somehow chose just two songs. But I'm seriously
in love with this whole CD, and I keep constantly rethinking my choices because there are so many good ones!"Listen My Son" by The Unseen Guest
:: From the insert - A collaborative group led by an Irish musician, Declan Murray, and an Indian musician, Amith Narayan, The Unseen Guest blends together Indian rhythmic traditions with blues, folk, and rock song forms, combining the rhythmic accents of the
tabla, occasionally referred to as "the Indian talking drum," with the steady beat of the blues guitar, banjo, and mandolin..."Listen My Son" is an excellent example of the group's unique style. Their rich vocal harmonies ride on a gently pulsating rhythm, which is accented by a repeating mandolin phrase. There is an aura of mystery here, too, echoed by the song's enigmatic lyrics and especially its chorus: "Listen, listen my son, my son. I can't tell you twice what I can't tell you once."
And because it's impossible for me to usually ever choose just one song, but especially impossible on this CD, here's another one that is just as perfect, unique and wonderful as the first:
"La Flaca" by Jarabe de Palo:: From the insert - "La Flaca" ("The Skinny Girl") was a huge hit in Spain in the summer of 1997, and it helped the group Jarabe de Palo and its leader, Pau Dones, establish themselves as one of Spain's biggest-selling artists...Pau Dones wrote "La Flaca" following a trip to Cuba in the mid-1990s...With its steady rock rhythm, graceful melody, and Latin percussion elements, "La Flaca" provides the perfect backdrop for a very hot, blues-inspired solo on the "fuzz-toned" electric guitar. Dones sings about his obsession with a hard-partying Cuban woman, "I'd give anything for one kiss from La Flaca."
Today has been a very quiet day. I woke up early but really haven't done much of anything. Well, I did do all my dishes and completely cleaned my kitchen, and that feels so good. And I vacuumed my rugs which makes about the biggest difference in the world at making my place look clean again. And I also cleaned and straightened my living room. So I don't feel completely bad. Other than that, I've spent much of the day listening to music and organizing pictures on my computer, and other things along that line.
Yesterday I had a wonderful day! I met Florida for breakfast at a new place that neither of us had been to and that was about in the middle between where we both live, and in such a cute little area that we both were curious to explore a little. Breakfast was so fun, the place was so cute and eclectic, and so yummy, too! Then we walked up and down the little street there and went in a few cute little shops and talked and talked and it was just absolutely wonderful and so fun.
Then we walked on some little side streets and looked at houses and got a little sad that older places with character are always being torn down all over the city to make way for completely blank and sometimes dead-looking condo buildings. And we stopped in a little record store for Asparagus to ask about some group, and the guy who runs the store was really cool and there was so much to look at, and I kept liking many songs that he was playing and he was so nice and told me what each one was whenever I asked.
Then we walked all the rest of the way back to Florida and Aspargus's place, and we all played with their cats and laughed at their silliness, and chatted much more, and Asparagus made me five CDs of wonderful music that I hadn't previously ever heard, and Florida gave me some leaves off of her catnip plant which James and Emma just ADORED when I got home! I love Florida and Asparagus to death, they are both so wonderful both separately and together, and are just the perfect couple ever - and really have the kind of marriage and relationship and communication that I want. I always have such fun with them and would do anything for them.
I've been thinking a lot lately, about so many things. About love and what it is and how to keep it alive in a relationship. About the fact that the only person and thing we can really control is ourselves. About how to grow individually but also grow with a partner. About how so many people get divorces and get their hearts broken and eventually grow out of the love and move on. About how love changes in a relationship. About how easy it is for a couple to grow apart and for the love to start leaving. And about how then it's back to the only thing we can control - ourselves. About how the ideal that we all think we want is one love for life, a marriage that is wonderful and happy and we die still loving the other person. About how that doesn't often really happen, and maybe it isn't all bad because we all do change, and sometimes partners change in different directions. And everyone says children change the relationship so much. I just don't know, but I see so many people who move on after broken marriages and broken hearts, and they find such beauty and love with someone else. Would the love in the marriage come even close to that new love had the couple stayed together? What exactly is love and how and why does it sometimes stay and sometimes go? And how strong is it if we can fall out of love? What is love, exactly?
I'd been having a lot of those questions percolating around in my head for about the past week, but they've been even more in the forefront over the past few days because I've been talking daily with a friend who has been going through a very hard time with love for the last three years, and when we talked on Thursday night I found out much more and also that this love of his is coming to a sort of crossroads right now. We have talked for hours every day for the past few days and I'm so incredibly thankful that I'm able to be there for him.
I can't even explain how I have loved our conversations. I've been able to be a friend when he's cried, I've been able to bring in so many of my own experiences and he knows absolutely that I really understand, we've analyzed personalities, coping mechanisms, depression, addiction, pain, love, therapy, life. It has gotten me really thinking about so many things as well - and some new ideas have popped in my head such as sometimes people having a sort of addiction to mental suffering because it allows them to hold onto what they know and not have to face the world without it. And it's made me wonder even more about why some people can recover from heartbreak and fall out of love and move on, and others hold onto the love and those feelings of love don't leave for a very long time, and they don't move on. And I start wondering why and what is behind each reaction. And for these people who hold onto the love, whether sometimes they really develop more of an addiction to the former partner and idea of their strong love as a coping mechanism - because after a certain amount of time wouldn't the love itself actually leave? Or am I wrong and the love can continue just as strong as before despite no contact or unhappy contact - when is it actual love and when is it the idea and remembrance of love? Or for those people, do they sometimes have a stronger love or a deeper love than others? And those are just some of my many questions with regard to what makes people act the way they do when a relationship ends.
My friend told me that I should get my Masters in Social Work because I would be an amazing therapist. It has me really thinking. Because even the suggestion ignites excitement within me. I was a psychology major in college and jumped in headfirst and I loved those classes and found them so incredibly interesting and intriguing. But I decided not to go to grad school for psychology because at the time, I decided that I didn't want to sit and counsel people hour after hour and would only be really interested in developing my own theory of personality, which I decided was rather selfish in a field where people should be very unselfish. So I decided to go to law school instead. Which has never ever excited me in even close to the same way as psychology.
On Friday I mentioned what my friend said to The Meat. He looked at me and told me that he has often thought that I would make a wonderful therapist/social worker/psychologist because of the compassion I have in me. That night I read up on the grad program at one local university. It's just a thought right now, and anyway all the programs start in the fall so I would have an entire year to decide and apply if this is something that I actually want to do.
So that's all in my mind as well. I do kind of feel that I'm in the wrong field entirely. I don't think I'll ever love the law. And even after my first year of law school I didn't think law was the best field for me, but I didn't know what else to do so I kept going. However, I think happiness in a job has so much to do with the people you work with and the whole culture and situation at the job. And I'm 30 now and to pursue a masters in social work, at least at this one place I've looked at so far, would mean two years of part-time schooling and the third year would be full-time. I wouldn't be 31 until I started so I would graduate when I was 34 and only then begin actually working in the field. And when would there be time to date in there? And I want to have children and work only part-time when they are young, so what then? Even though I'm 30 now and have no prospects, I still hate even thinking that I won't get pregnant until I'm 34 or older! And also, I really don't feel like having to take out loans to go back to school now. Unless there were grants or scholarships or something, this could be a very expensive option. However, there are many people who do make career changes later in life, and many people who go back to school later in life. And going back to school to study psychology and sociology and completely intriguing and infinitely interesting subjects in those areas sounds so so so fun, as opposed to the unfun that was law school classes.
Anyway, this is just an idea going around in my head a little right now. I know there's no pressure to make some quick decision, so I'm not stressed at all about it. But at the same time, this is the first time that I'm acknowledging the possibility of leaving the legal field completely, and going back to school, and I'm thinking about and have to think about future happiness and whether career is something that I want to be a part of my life or whether I could be happy just doing a job and enjoying the people who I work with. And it's the first time that I'm really acknowledging the possibility that I may have gone into an entirely wrong field for me that includes three years of law school and five years since then - and that's a lot of time to have spent and potentially wasted. [Not that I regret where I am at all though, because it has led me to have some amazing people in my life and to meet others and to experience things that I wouldn't have otherwise, and I've also learned so much during this time.] But so to conclude, I'm not stressed about making a quick decision, but it is bringing up some more kind of stressful and possibly frustrating things in my mind.
Okay that's enough for tonight. I've gotten the major things out and I feel good now that I've been able to write down a little on the basic wonderings of my mind regarding love, and also discuss a bit about the little idea in my mind of going to grad school and completely changing everything.
Late Gratitude Tuesday - the "I's"!
My mouth and teeth hurt. I'm so stupid sometimes but don't stop even though I know I should. I like eating egg noodles - straight from the bag and without boiling them or cooking them. They're hard and crunchy and I like to chew a bunch of them just a little and then let them soften in my mouth a bit and then they taste so so good! And then I do the same thing again and again and again. Last night I ate a bunch and promised myself that I wouldn't again tonight because my mouth and teeth were hurting this morning - but then I went and did it again tonight. Holy shit - this almost sounds like I'm describing drinking! It's not good for me, makes me feel icky the next morning, I promise myself that I won't do it again but then I can't stop myself the next night. But at least the bag is almost gone and I only get these stupid things every once in awhile so my mouth will start healing tomorrow. I really really really need to start eating healthier. It's just one of the millions of little things I feel that I need to work on. I'm quite frustrated with myself right now.
Last night I wrote out almost all my "I" words for my again late Gratitude Tuesday, but I just couldn't quite finish them before almost falling asleep on the couch. So I've now finished them up and it'll be Gratitude Tuesday on Thursday this week. I've spent almost the entire night tonight going through pictures on my computer, fixing some of them up a bit and then organizing them into online albums. I've been neglecting that so I'm just now getting caught up.
Hmmm, what else? I'm kind of having a bit of brain freeze or something right now because I can't think of anything else to write about - or maybe it's because if I start writing about any one of a few topics I'll have a lot to say, but it's way past my ideal bedtime (yet another fucking thing that I really really really need to work on) and I need to finish this, post it and get to bed.
So, here are all the wonderful things that begin with the letter "I" and that make me feel so grateful, which is such a wonderful way to be!!!
Intelligence - I am so so so grateful for my intelligence. It has been a huge part of my identity for almost as long as I can remember, and even though I have self doubts sometimes now and don't currently have a very challenging job, I still believe in my intelligence and it still plays an enormous part in how I view myself.
Imagination - I am incredibly grateful for our ability as humans to imagine just about anything. We wouldn't have nearly as many luxuries in life had someone not first thought up the idea. And I'm also grateful for my own imagination, which can sometimes take me out of the present and into a world of my own making!
Individuality - do you see how so far I have started each of these items with the word "I" - was it an Ayn Rand novel which talked about a terrifying world where there was no "I"? All choices were essentially made for people, and they were always a part of some group and that was to be their identity - and there could be no thinking differently, dressing differently, talking differently, or doing differently. (I looked it up and yes, it was the book Anthem - which I read during my first year in college.) I love that we are all so different in so so so many ways. And we have the freedom and option to be whoever and whatever we want to be. We can each grow and develop and change in any way that each of us, as individuals, wants to - and each of these little differences and little choices we make just reflect our individuality. It's beautiful. Along these lines, another thing I'm grateful for is our little Imperfections - which become so endearing and make us who we are.
Independence - the dictionary defines independence as "freedom from the influence, control or determination of another or others; not dependent on others,...especially for financial support." I am so so so grateful that I am independent, that I can do what I want and when I want to do it, that I don't have to ask permission or ask for money or rely on anyone else for things. That's not to say that I don't like having others in my life or that I don't want to share my life with someone who will affect decisions that I make and that we make together, but I'm so happy that I can do it all myself and can survive on my own. I'm also so grateful for living in this this time and era because I don't believe that women ever before in history have had this much opportunity and could have this much independence.
Income - I'm so grateful for my income, as it contributes in large part to allowing me to be independent, and it allows me to be comfortable and healthy and able to purchase food and necessities and keep my babies happy. I don't make the most money currently, but I'm happy for now and to me that's much more important than being rich.
Immune System - I love my strong immune system (knock on wood!) and am so grateful for having it and for how well it takes care of me. Although, on a side note, my grandpa (who is a germophobe and also constantly worries about illnesses as well as being extremely pessimistic) told me that when the bird flu hits, it will actually be much worse on people who have good immune systems because it causes the immune system to attack the person's own organs (especially the lungs) - so the stronger the immune system, the more danger a person is in. I have to admit that I didn't like hearing that, even though I don't spend much time worrying about it as there's really nothing I know of that I could do.
Insurance - I am so so so grateful for my health insurance. The prices for doctors visits, hospital stays, prescription drugs, etc. are so incredibly outrageous and without insurance I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable at all. However, I also find it ridiculous that the poor people with no insurance are charged those astronomical rates, but all health insurance companies end up having the rates they are required to pay often cut in half. I love my insurance though!
Ideas - I'm so grateful for all the wonderful ideas that I have, all the wonderful little ideas that pass through my head, all the wonderful ideas that I hear from others and adopt as my own. They make life much more fun and interesting!
Infatuation - this sounds like an odd one, but I love having little mini-crushes, little infatuations - they're harmless and give me such a little rush, give me the extra bit of energy to make myself look pretty, give me a little something to look forward to - and give me moments of such joy and excitement!
Introspection - I'm very grateful for those times when I'm very introspective. It's healthy to really analzye yourself now and then, and I believe that I always come out of those periods a little bit stronger and a little bit wiser.
Intimacy - of course I'm grateful for intimacy! It's such a wonderful feeling to know someone so well, to trust someone so much, to share pieces of yourself with someone and have them share with you. Relationships and connections with people are a huge part of what makes life so amazing, so having a deep sense of intimacy, as well as intimate moments, is such a fabulous thing.
Interests - I'm so grateful for my hundreds of little interests, and for the fact that really almost anything can spark my interest - just to learn more or understand better. There are so so so many amazing things in this world, I can't even begin to start listing all the things that interest me!!
Intuition and Instincts - I'm grateful that I'm starting to learn to trust what I somehow know - what both my instincts and intuition are telling me. I'm sure I'll get better at this in the future, but I love that I'm starting to recognize these things and listen to myself.
Intestines - I'm so grateful that I can eat food and that my body does everything it's supposed to do in taking out the good stuff and discarding the rest. And intestines are of course one of those internal organs that does good things and works well!
Insects - ohhhh this is a hard one! I'm trying really hard to think of reasons why I should be greatful for insects, which I'm not so fond of. Here's what I came up with - they fill a vital role in our world - they eat the dead stuff and they are food for some animals, and they spread pollen so there can be more beautiful flowers. I'm sure there are many other things along those lines, so even though I don't want the insects to be in my apartment or crawl on me, I still recognize that there are reasons to be grateful for them, and I can allow myself to be grateful for them for those reasons, for the role they play in making the world work.
Ink - I like good pens (not super expensive or anything, just ones that write well) that sort of flow across the paper, and I like sometimes writing in different colors of ink just for a change - and it would be kind of hard to write so well and so much and so easily without ink, so I'm grateful for ink. And I'm grateful too that people found a way to put the ink into pens so we don't have to use inkwells anymore.
Italics - I like being able to add italics when I really want to emphasize something!!
Instructions - even though most guys don't like following them :) they certainly do come in handy sometimes! I'm grateful that, especially through the wonder of the internet, we can find instructions for just about anything!
Idealism and Innocence - I'm not quite so innocent as I once used to be, but yet I still feel that way quite often - or maybe it isn't innocence so much as naivete. However, whatever it is, I like it and I like that part of me. I like still being shocked by things, and I like not being so jaded. And I also like my idealism. I think it keeps me young and keeps me real and I like it.
Initiative - I have a tendency to be lazy and not do much, and I also can't focus on improving myself in many ways at the same time or even having many things going at once - I'm terrible, I worry about how, when I'm a mother, I'll be able to just get my children dressed and me dressed and manage to feed us and feed James and Emma and also keep my life in some sort of order at the same time. I really do worry about this. I need to find a guy who's kind of good at (although not anal with) organization and planning, because I pretty much lack all skills there. And he'll also need to maybe even help me make lists of things to do for each day because otherwise I won't get anything done. Anyway though, this isn't complaining time but gratitude time, and what I'm getting to here finally is that I'm so grateful when I get moments of having initiative - when I actually do things, start things - it makes me feel wonderful! Of course, I also need to work on the continuing part and the finishing part because I also have problems there - oh I have so much more work to do on myself!!!
That's it! I'm going to really, really try to actually get my Gratitude Tuesday for next week done and nicely posted on Monday night. Getting things done on time is another one of the millions and billions of things that I need to work on. If I had time to write anymore tonight, it would be a frustration rant at all of my terrible habits and flaws and all the millions of things that I need to work on about myself. But instead, I'm going to bed!
Pesto the Cat
I'm sooooooo sleepy! Tomorrow afternoon or maybe evening I'll post my Gratitude Tuesday list of words that begin with the letter 'I', but right now I'm off to bed!
First though, I just have to write about something that's been bothering me since Saturday morning and that I can't get off my mind. And it has nothing to do with The German or any human man at all - it has to do with a cat named Pesto. On Saturday morning, when The German and I were walking to breakfast, I noticed a sign posted on a tree about a lost cat - I've started actually looking at those signs now that I live in a neighborhood, so if I see a cat running around I could maybe know if it's one of these poor lost ones.
Anyway, the sign had a picture of Pesto and said that he was a tabby cat and was lost on July 22 - a whole month ago! And it said that Pesto is extremely shy and will most likely be hiding under bushes or underneath a porch, and he would run from anyone so if we saw him we should just call the phone number, day or night. I can't stop thinking about poor little Pesto - out in this big world for an entire month now, scared and terrified and hungry and lonely. And I can't stop thinking about his owners - their baby has been missing for a month and they don't know if he's dead or if he's alive and hiding somewhere, scared and shivering and trying to find something to eat. The sign wanted people to call even if they heard a cat fight or cats doing the scary cry at each other.
So now, whenever I'm walking outside in my neighborhood, my eyes are scanning the bushes and between houses and down the alleys. I so wish that I could find Pesto so his owners wouldn't live with their terrible torment any longer, and so Pesto could have his home and security back. I don't know how I would go on with normal life if one of my babies were missing and I knew they were outside alone and scared and hungry. Especially if it were Emma - because she's exactly like Pesto and would be hiding from anyone and everyone. I couldn't take it and I think I wouldn't be able to do anything but walk the streets day and night calling to her and trying to lure her out with a can of cat food.
Tonight I saw a couple of signs on a post at the front of my block and stopped to read them, thinking that at least one would be about Pesto. But no, they were two other cats who were missing! First there was Finn, a solid white short-haired cat with blue eyes, lost back in June. Yes, June. The sign asked to be called if you even saw him. And second was a furry little gray kitten who was lost a couple weeks ago right near my place, and his front paws were declawed - he's just a kitten and declawed, I would be going crazy looking for him! The sign ended with something like, "please call if you see him, we really miss him!"
How do all these cats get loose? I want to make sure my babies are secure in here! I never let them out in the hallway or on the stairs because I don't want them to get used to it. The only other thing I could think of is a screen breaking and them jumping out. But I'm on a high second floor so I don't think my babies would jump - and I always make sure my screens are secure before I'll open a window. I just don't EVER want to have to be going crazy and putting up signs and searching all over neighborhoods at all hours. I don't know how I could bear it. I can't get the idea of little Pesto out of my mind and I don't even know him!
Oh yes - we do have a neighborhood outdoor cat! I met him last week when I was coming home one night - he's a really little cat and is mostly black with a little white on his nose, belly, and paws. And he's so sweet! He had me brushing his cheeks and rubbing his belly and back to cheeks and then belly for about 15 minutes! I checked his tag and his name is Sven and he lives nearby. At first I tried calling the phone number on his tag because I wanted to make sure that he didn't escape, but the number wasn't going through right. And then a girl from my building came out and she had seen him, too, so we decided to go ring the bell and ask, just to make sure. And so we walked down the sidewalk and I kept calling to Sven and he just followed along like a little dog! I stayed at a corner with him where he was having fun rolling in the dirt while the girl asked, and before she came back a guy walked by with a tiny little dog and Sven was captivated! I stood on the corner waiting for the girl to come back and I watched as Sven followed the guy and the dog down the block, and the whole time he walked, or more like sasheed (sp? - no time to go check), right down the middle of the sidewalk, it was so cute!!
I want Sven to find Pesto and Finn and the kitten and lead me to them so I can save them and bring them back to their owners! I want him to be our local wondercat! And I don't want any cats to be outside alone and scared. And I don't want any owners to have to be tormented and terrified and worried sick over their cat who is missing. It's so terrible and unimaginable to me, and I can't stop thinking about it now. But hopefull writing all this will help me feel a little better and at least not have it bottled all up inside me.
Okay - now I'm really
going to bed!
Musical Monday, My New Profile, and Addictions
My Musical Monday selection this week is from Enya. I have loved her ethereal-sounding music for years now, and when I listen to one of her albums I usually end up playing it over and over and over again. I love Enya's voice, I love the poetry of her songs, I love the sound of the music and all that she puts into it, and I love how it makes me feel and the zone that it gets me into.
Today's songs are from the album A Day Without Rain, which has been my favorite album of hers for the last few years. My secondary song from this album is Only Time, which you may have heard either on the radio or in the commercials for Friends I think around the time when Rachel was pregnant. It's such a beautiful song, and I love the "only time can tell" theme. That song is second below.
But my primary Musical Monday song is Flora's Secret. I absolutely adore this song! I wrote about it a couple of months ago, so it's not an entire secret that I love this song. It makes me so happy - it sounds like a musical dream and is about love and lovers and nature and flowers and blue skies, and the melody is so completely enchanting and uplifting. And I also discovered my future daughter's name from this song - Flora, of course! When I'm pregnant I'll play this song all the time and sing along, and hopefully a little girl will pop out and not a boy! :) And then I'll sing this song to her as she grows up, and it will be her own special song!
This song is just so lovely, so joyful, so exuberant, so enchanting, and it makes me want to dance around with my arms stretched out and up to the sky and my fingers twirling! I've included the lyrics because they are equally enchanting!Enya - Flora's Secret
Lovers in the long grass
Look above them
Only they can see
Where the clouds are going
Only to discover
Dust and sunlight
Ever make the sky so blue
Afternoon is hazy
All around the sounds
Moving closer to them
Telling them the story
Told by Flora
Dreams they never knew
Tears from Persia
Those who come
From a far-off island
Winter Chanterelle lies
Glory-of-the-sun in blue
Some they know as passion
Some as freedom
Some they know as love
And the way it leaves them
For a season
When the sky above is blue
When the sky above is blue
Lying in the long grass
Close beside her
Giving her the name
Of the one the moon loves
This will be the day she
When she knew his heart
Loving in the long grass
Close beside her
Whispering of love
And the way it leaves them
Lying in the long grass
In the sunlight
They believe it's true loveAnd from all around them
Telling them of love
And the way it breathes
Looking up from eyes of
They can see the sky
Knowing that their love
dreams they never knew
And the sky above is blueEnya - Only Time
On Saturday, during one of my good periods when I was doing okay, I finally changed my little profile description - I had to change it since turning 30, but it needed a bit of an update as well. Here is the old profile:I'm a 29-year-old girl/woman living in Chicago, trying to learn new things, figure myself out, and have fun along the way - and eventually become that butterfly! I just have a few things to deal with before that can happen.
Well so first of all, I'm not 29 anymore. But second - when I first started this blog and wrote the profile, I included the sentence "I just have a few things to deal with before that can happen." What was included in that sentence, mainly, was my alcoholism that I hadn't yet discussed with anyone and wasn't quite yet ready to address - but I knew that it was the one big thing holding me back from a future, and this blog was a way for me to first start hinting at it by listing all that I drank, and eventually it was a way for me to admit my alcoholism to "everyone" so that there was no going back. And it worked! 9+ months have passed since the last time I drank or got drunk (which always went hand-in-hand anyway). So anyway, the profile needed to be updated there, too, and a bit more just to reflect me at this moment. So the new one (it's also on the sidebar but I'll put it here, too):I'm a 30-year-old sometimes girl and sometimes woman living in Chicago. Over the past year I have faced my biggest demon and won, and as a result I have hope again for wonderful and fabulous things to happen! I'm still learning, growing and always trying to improve myself, but I absolutely love life and think I'm very close to becoming a real butterfly!!!
It's not perfect, and there are only so many things I can put into a little snapshot profile, but I like it! And I love all the changes in me over the past year! And I also love how Anu
calls me a butterfly already! :)
On Friday, I followed a link on NWC's blog
to Jen at Stay-at-Home Motherdom
- and I lurked around her site for quite a long time. She had a wonderful five-part post on alcoholism and her struggle with it and I related in so many many many ways. And then she also had a post on relationship addictions, inspired by the book/movie Shopgirl. I'm going to quote a part of her discussion on this book, from Part II of her post
, because she analyzes and states it so perfectly that I couldn't possibly express it better:...I guess it made me think about how the power play in relationships makes them addicting, and when the power is continuously unbalanced, or switches back and forth like a pendulum, then there can be an active addiction. The character, Mirabelle (Claire Danes), is so obsessed about love and the idea of romance, that she gives up part of her identity in hopes that Ray (Steve Martin) will change. Ray has control in the relationship most of the time and wants to love her, but for some reason, the commitment scares him. The commitment means he has to make himself totally vulnerable to one person, and to do that, and open one's heart to complete "pain" if something happens, is something he cannot do. As a result, the relationship progresses in time, but not in growth. They both move along, yet it is stagnant. I think this is what addiction is all about: waiting it out, saying it will change or get better, hoping your life will change without taking action and using something or someone else to define your OWN identity...
At the end, when they end the relationship, you see Mirabelle quit her job, take a new job developing her true passion, and find a flourishing relationship. It was by getting out of an active addiction that her life changed. It is by caring about oneself and the growth of one's identity that life changes and addiction can be controlled.
I read this book maybe a year and a half or two years ago for a little bookclub that included Violet
and Tivo. Most of the girls I remember didn't like the book, and I could understand their points. However, after I had finished the book I cried for a good hour at least and found it and it's ultimate message to be very personally powerful because of this relationship - which reminded me in many ways of my relationship with The German. I think that he and I now have a more equal relationship than we did back when I read the book, but it has still been this exact kind of addictive relationship that the book and Jen talk about - one that is stagnant.
Anyway, I just had to talk a little about this because it's been on my mind so much since reading about it on Jen's blog. And her second paragraph above gives me such hope and strength as I read it again. I have already addressed and so far won against alcoholism this past year, and it has changed my life incredibly. So now I have started working on getting out of and changing the aspects of my relationship with The German which make it unhealthy for me.
So - I feel good and positive right now. I know my rollercoaster ride of pain and sadness and other emotions is not over, so I'll be sad again and then happy and then sad and then happy and on and on, but eventually I'll start being more happy than sad, and eventually I'll be all better and my life will be changed for the better. Of course, it makes me sad right now to think about that, so instead I'm just going to think about that second paragraph of Jen's above and remind myself that I'm taking action and caring about myself here, and my life will end up much better because of it.
I'm going to listen to Flora's Secret once more now before going to bed, because it really does put me in a much better mood for awhile!
I'm so sad and lonely right now and missing The German so much
It's early Sunday morning - well, around 8:40, but I've been up for an hour even though my alarm was set for 9. And I'm doing okay right now, but I'm tired and feel very off in many ways.
I still don't know if I have things worked out in my head to write, but I'll start and maybe that will help me work it out. But so I don't know how good this post will be.
Yesterday The German came over, we went to our fun breakfast, and then we came back here. On the way to breakfast and on the way back we either held hands or had our arms around each other the whole time. It was a little warm and we were a little full so The German took his shirt off and we laid down on my bed, and as I laid there with my head on his bare chest and his arms around me it started hitting me that I wouldn't be in that place that I loved anymore, and I started crying silently for a couple minutes while I tried to get up the courage to start talking.
Then The German rolled on his side and I rolled on my stomach and I let him see my face and my very obvious crying, and he asked with much concern, "Tigress, what's wrong??" My initial explanation to him went something like this: "I don't know what to do, this is so hard for me. I've been thinking about this for the past week and really since the baseball game and it's just torturing me. I love you, you know that, and I know you love me. But you don't want the home and children and I do, and because you don't want them that means I'm going to have to find someone else to fall in love with who does want those things, but I can't fall in love with someone else while I love you the way I do, and I just don't know what to do here because I can't imagine my life without you but yet I know I need to stay away from you or I'll never be able to be with someone else. I don't think I can see you for awhile because when I do, I see this face that I love, and these hands and forearms and shoulders and this chest that I love laying on, and I see your smile, and feel your kisses, and love your hugs, and experience all your silliness and it just makes me love you more."
The German reacted by saying something along these lines: "Oh Tigress, this is all my fault. I convinced myself that you could handle this because we've known each other for so long, but you can't because you're attached to me again. I should have stayed away more, and I've been selfish because I've been stressed at work and I love spending time with you, but I see that I'm taking all your love but you're not getting back out of this what you want."
We talked about how we love each other, but ultimately want different things. He said that if it weren't for me wanting a home and children, he knows I would be the absolute perfect person to travel around with him and experience life. He said that he loves me and he wants me to be happy and that he sees he needs to back off so I'll be able to find a guy who can love me and
what I want. He said I've grown so incredibly much in the past year - stopped drinking, lost so much weight, grown so much more beautiful, become even so much more sexy (his words - but okay, I think so, too!), gained so much self-confidence, and am figuring out what I want and what's important to me. He said he was wrong to start a physical relationship with me again and he was selfish and let his desire for me take over without really thinking of how it would affect me. He said many times that he just wants me to be happy because I deserve it more than anyone he has ever known.
We talked about how difficult this is because there's nothing bad between us - instead we love each other and love each other's company and have so much fun together and care so much about each other and also enjoy many of the same things. So there's nothing bad now, but just us not wanting the same things in the future.
We talked as friends, too, for awhile, and I loved that - I talked about how I didn't know how I would find someone who would be right for me, how I struggle with what exactly I want my life to be like because I want the children but I also want to not
become the traditional suburban American family and don't want to fall into the trap of collecting possessions and never really experiencing the world - I want the children but also to be a bit odd still and to keep perspective on what's important in life, and to travel and experience the world with my husband and children. I told him that I've thought before that I should find some professor to marry so during the summers we could go live in Guatemala one summer and Italy one summer and so on, each time staying in a normal little house and my children could learn Spanish and Italian and we'd help in the community and we would all therefore do good and also remember what's important in life. It felt really good to me just to talk about my dreams and my frustrations with regard to the future with him - because that's not something I've talked to him about for a long time as I was secretly hoping that the future would be with him but because I didn't know I didn't want to start such a discussion before.
We also talked about what we should do now. I told him that when I see him and he's so affectionate, it makes me only want to be with him - and that it was so hard for me to tell him that he's not allowed to cuddle me anymore because he is absolutely the best cuddler. We talked about how a year ago, maybe more a year and a half ago, we only saw each other every couple weeks and I was going on dates with guys who I met off the internet, and I was able to get excited about other guys and not about him. I do remember that time, and it's true that I didn't think of The German romantically and would actually get annoyed with him sometimes, and we would cuddle but it didn't mean the same to me as it does now. I told him though that the cuddling has to be out, as hard as that is to say, because no other guy has ever been able to come even close to how good he is - because he's just naturally big and has a strong chest and strong arms and he holds me firmly and lovingly and in just the perfect way - and as long as I get cuddles from him then I don't feel the need to get them from anyone else. And also, when I do find another guy, I'll be cuddling with him of course and all affection with The German is off limits.
So ultimately though, I'm not thrusting him completely out of my life and to be honest, I'm happy about that because he is important to me and is such a good friend and I've known him now for almost three and a half years. We're going to play it by ear though, and see what we can and can't do. Right now, we aren't going to see each other for awhile. We didn't say how long, but it will be for a good period of time, and I'll see how I'm doing. As The German said, right now I don't feel the need to find a guy, or go out and meet guys, because I'm not lonely and I've been getting love and affection and sex from him - but without him around I'll start getting used to it and also then eventually start wanting to meet other guys. So no seeing each other, no physical contact. However, we did decide that we could still IM each other. That makes me feel better because I'm not completely losing contact with him but yet he's also not really here. Most of our IM conversations are just pure silliness anyway and just more of an amusement while I'm at work. With regard to talking on the phone, only every once in awhile, although I'm really not putting that into play until after this weekend, and after I start getting used to not seeing him.
I'm writing this all out now very dry and probably even really boringly - because I'm just trying to remember everything and organize it for myself. But throughout most of our talk I was crying, or at least crying on and off. And he cried, too - not alot, but a couple tears fell down his face. I was a little shocked and asked him if he was crying and he said, "yes, I feel bad and I'm really going to miss you, too." We kissed many times during this talk and we also had sex one last time - and it was so intense and passionate. He also held me when I cried and even when I didn't, and I ran my hands all over his face, his lips, through his hair, over his shoulders, forearms, hands, and chest as I told him all the physical things that I loved about him. He cuddled me and told me how amazing I am, how wonderful, how perfect. And once, when I was looking at him with tears all over my face, he said out of the blue, "You are so
pretty." I loved that, that little simple statement, mostly because of the way he said it and the way he was looking at me while he said it.
Well so anyway, after all that, and it took well over an hour, he said he would get going. That made me start crying all over again. He hugged me so many times as he got ready to go, he kissed me so many times, he told me how much he liked my place and that I've done such an amazing job at making it so cozy and happy, he pet little James a lot - he was definitely feeling sad because he was almost kind of memorizing everything. He is going to come take care of James and Emma in two weekends when I go to my parents' place though - when I told him I could have someone else do it he said no, no he wanted to do it - I know he loves my babies even though he pretends not to. But I won't be seeing him - I'll drop my keys off with his doorman before I leave and pick them up from the same guy when I come back.
As he was about to leave and I couldn't stop weeping he tried to make me feel better - he told me that I wasn't losing him, that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, that he's still here but we're both just going to back off, that he would do anything for me. I couldn't stop crying and I know I'm not losing him, but I'm losing something - I'm losing our cuddling, our kisses, our time together, my happiness with him, and my dream of a future with him. I need to change my love for him to go back to just a friend love, but in that process I'll be losing our romantic love and that makes me sad. I wept as he walked out and walked down the stairs - he told me he loves me - and then I picked up James and sat in the front window to wave bye to him when he walked out, and I could barely say "bye" from crying so hard. The worst part though, was watching him walk down my street alone, away from me and by himself. That was so so so so so so so awful. I could hardly breath I was crying to hard and my whole being just hurt.
I called him five minutes after that because I just had to get that awful image of him walking away alone out of my mind. I cried on the phone to him and he reiterated that we aren't losing each other but just taking a break, and that this is the best thing for me. I cried on and off all day yesterday and felt lost and broken and fragile and like nothing was right in the world. I had a terrible headache for awhile and managed to fall asleep for a little bit. During the better times I felt just lost but knew inside that I would get better, that this was for the best and for my future and happiness. During the worst times I couldn't stop crying and felt that I would never be able to love anyone else but him.
After he left I had emailed him a couple of the flower pictures that I posted the other day. His email back to me in the evening was so sweet:Tigress,
Don't be sad! I'm still there for you, we only have to
stay away from each other a lot more so you are not
placing your love and hope with me so much. I want you
to be happy. If I could help by being there with you I
would. But of course that's the opposite of what you
Love, your Schwein
He also called me in the evening briefly to check on me, as we had discussed. And tonight we are also going to talk, but then we will mostly just chat on IM, and I'll start getting used to this and not cry so much anymore. I do admit that in the late evening I went through a terrible crying spell and was so sad and broken, and I wrote him an email just because I had to get my terrible feelings out:I'm sad :( Right now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the whole world. No one to walk around with, no one go to breakfast with, no one to boat with, no one to go to the store with, no one to cuddle with, no one to kiss, no one to watch little movies with - no one to be so happy with and make every little moment special for me. I'm just sad, because I always love every silly minute with you and every silly thing we do together is always so much fun for me. So I'm very weepy and very blue :( I know in the logical part of my brain that I will be okay, but I don't feel it right now. And I know I'm not losing you, but at the same time I am, because I'm losing a part of what we have together, and I'm losing your cuddling and I'm supposed to stop loving you in a romantic way and that's losing something. It's all for my own good and it's my own choice I know, but it still is breaking my poor tigress heart because I miss you already right now. I'm so so sad! :( :( :( I love you, and it does make me happy knowing that you love me as well and that I'm so important to you - and I know that it's not a problem with me that is the reason why we can't be together. But I still just wish you were here and laying in bed with me holding me like you were today. But I know you can't be doing that. But I still miss it already :(
Oh I'm just so sad and so weepy but I would keep going on forever so I'm going to stop writing now. I know I'll be sad for awhile. Tomorrow I'll make myself shower and get dressed and go outside to do something, even if just walking to the grocery store. I can't go to Trader Joe's though because it always makes me think of you and our certain times of going there together.
Just rereading that email makes me cry again. However, about an hour after writing that I was feeling a little better again so I wrote him another little note telling him that, so he didn't think I was completely crazy with crying. Yesterday was an awful day. I hate that feeling that absolutely nothing is right - nothing could make me comfortable, nothing could make me happy, I was having my breathing problems where I felt that I couldn't get a full breath of air and the only thing that eventually helped with that was drinking tea - I psychologically feel that tea is relaxing and healing so it does relax me.
Today is a little better. I still feel as if there's a cloud over me, but I see the sunshine coming in here and that brightens my day a little. I feel a little more hopeful and a little more normal today. I know I'll be okay in the long run, and The German and I are just going to play this by ear as to what I need and more importantly, what communication we can't have. I am very close to having the breathing problems again and once I start taking those extra deep breaths it just gets worse so I'm trying really hard to keep myself relaxed - I'm trying to breath well and slow.
There was one bright light in my day yesterday, and it continued throughout the day and is right in front of me even now: my wonderful cousin Trena, who lives in California, sent me flowers and a sweet note. They arrived in the morning, after I woke up but before The German came over. I was completely naked when the guy buzzed so I answered the door with a towel wrapped around me and the poor delivery guy was so embarrassed and stared at the ground the whole time - it was so cute.
Anyway though, I wouldn't have thought that getting flowers could be such a positive thing, but the fact that they were from my cousin and came on a terrible day was just perfect. I looked at them constantly yesterday after The German left, and seeing them really made me feel less alone and reminded me that people besides just The German love me. I felt like they were more than just flowers but were some little extension of her - I know that sounds silly, but they really meant so much to me and really affected me. I emailed Trena and told her that yesterday she was, along with my babies, an angel of happiness to me, and she really was. These beautiful flowers from her are such a light in my darkness here.
And also, they gave me something fun to do because I have so far taken probably 200 pictures of them. Yes really, that many! Many yesterday and then many more this morning when the sun was shining in on them. And I'm going to of course include a few of the pictures here now - my photography skills aren't at all fabulous in these and really the pictures are nothing special at all and actually kind of boring, but the flowers themselves are so so beautiful.
And here are a couple pictures of my cozy living room where I spent the afternoon and evening yesterday laying on the couch. The lighting isn't too good in the first picture but you get the picture.
It's now 12:30 p.m. - I took a break and also have now reread what I wrote and most of it is extremely boring but I don't really care because I'm not going to rewrite it. I'm feeling very blue again and so so so sad. I'm not going spend my life with The German, I'm not going to have him here with me, I'm on my own and I'm so sad. He's stronger than I am right now because he knows now what I need. He'll call me when I need to be called, and be there when I need him, but he's going to stay away like he did in the past and I just really really wish that he didn't have to! This is so awful - I look outside and see the sun shining and see the blue skies but I feel so bleak and sad and lonely because he's not here with me anymore and I have nothing to look forward to in the whole world right now. Everything is gray and sad for me. He's the only person in the world who I feel like talking to right now and he's the one person who I have to stay away from. I wish everything could just be good and that he was here right now hugging me and holding me and kissing me. My nose hurts from blowing it so much.
I'm going to go take a shower and let the water run over me and try to relax. My mood today is like yesterday - like a rollercoaster where for awhile I think I'm doing okay and can handle it even though I'm sad, and then for awhile I'm in a deep pit of loneliness and dark and depression, and then back again. I feel so alone and so lonely and so lost and so hopeless and so broken right now. I know it'll get better, but that's how it is at the moment, and it's not fun.
Some pictures and preparing for tomorrow
I know this first picture isn't technically so perfect because of the rainbow and other light playing off the lens, but I love it! It looks so magical to me this way, so full of light, hope, love, beauty and joy!!
James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover (this song is a little extra dramatic but I love it and have loved it ever since I first heard it - and I always sing along. It doesn't completely reflect my mood at the moment but many, many of the lyrics are very applicable to The German and I, and I've thought that before as well. And I have to admit that this is one of my songs of choice to listen to when I'm very sad and/or depressed. And I keep playing it over and over and over tonight.)
I stayed home from work again today. I was so sleepy this morning and went back to sleep after both my mom and The German called. I reset my alarm numerous times and once I think that thing was probably going off for at least a couple minutes because I was having a dream about suitcases beeping and in my dream I couldn't figure out how to turn off the beeping and was fumbling with switches all over those suitcases and was so incredibly annoyed!
Well but so anyway, I finally came out of my stupor at about 11:30 a.m. And at first I thought that of course I would just get ready and go into work for the afternoon, but then I just didn't - I didn't want to do anything or leave or see anyone or have to deal with anything. I think that even though I don't feel a constant sadness or stress because of my decision with regard to The German, the stress is still there inside me, and when I feel stress or sadness I tend to hide - and often that means not going out into the world and instead just staying home with myself where I can think anything and feel anything and do anything.
The German is coming over tomorrow morning and we've planned to go out to breakfast. I know that afterward we'll come back to my place and it's sometime then that I plan to talk with him - I need to at least get the ball started rolling because I think the stress of knowing what's going to happen and worrying about doing it is torturing me inside. He and I instant messaged for a long time today about a couple of articles that he'd read, and even while I was typing and chatting with him I was wondering whether it would be okay to still instant message or whether I need to cut off everything. I'll tell him all that, and that I don't know where to draw the line, whether to allow some far away contact such as IM or whether to cut off our contact totally, or what to do. I just know that I can't see him - that has always, always made me feel closer to him because he's so affectionate with me and I feel so safe with him and love cuddling against his strong body.
This is all so hard and I know I might not get it perfect the first time, but I know that I will say we can't see each other anymore. It's all going to be so so so hard for me and I know that I'll start crying before I even begin to talk. But it will also get us talking and I know this is all about what's best for me, so I can have the hope of a future which includes love and family and fun and children. And I feel such strength because of all the support I've gotten.
I'm starting to feel nervous though. And starting to get a terrible headache right at the corner of my right eyebrow.
Here are some more pictures of the same flower bush/tree that I took this past week. My mom said it's called a Rose of Sharon. Oh, and a couple other pictures are at the end, too.
The same shot as the one above, but without the reflective light
From further away
I LOVE these flowers!! I look at them every single time I walk by, and am struck by their perfect beauty!
Some fence action
Fence and sidewalk
The EVIL blue screen appeared again a couple days ago - sometimes I really hate this bastard computer of mine! (But it's working right now, so I won't say anything else mean about it just in case it can understand what I'm saying!)
My sweet little Emma twisted around 180 degrees - she's so silly and cute!!!
Late Gratitude Tuesday - the H's!!
I'm very sleepy - I spent a lot of time typing out this H list! And that's because there are so many good H words!!! So I need to go to bed and don't have time to write much more. But I'm doing well - I have the great ability sometimes to push stuff out of my head when it's too stressful. I haven't talked to The German yet, but I know I will this weekend and I'll start the ball rolling. And today I stayed home, not because I was sad or depressed, but because I found myself in one of those lovely cleaning modes and had so much energy, and my place is now looking just gorgeous!!!!
(Oh and my boss was gone today and will be tomorrow, so I didn't feel bad at all.)
I was planning on painting tonight but once the evening came I got too lazy, and then I started typing this, so no painting but I don't care at all because it's so clean
and I just love that!!!!
Thank you again for all the wonderful comments and all the support and understanding with regard to this terribly hard decision about The German. I have my moments of extreme sadness, and my moments of confusion, and my moments of self-doubt and I haven't even done it yet - but know that these comments mean the world to me. Really!
And now, I need to get to bed! (Oh, and I haven't done an edit for spelling, grammar and missing words, so excuse any annoying errors!) So here now is my wonderful and happy (and late) list of things that I'm so grateful for that begin with the letter H:
Happiness - I am of course so grateful for happiness and all the wonderful and happy things in the world that can and do give me happiness! As I'm writing this, it just occurred to me - this big thing called "Happiness" seems to be our big, ultimate goal in life, to "find" happiness - but really, it's just all around us and really is much more a state of mind than anything else. There's not something to find, but just to be and feel. There, that's my little philosophical talk for today :)
Home - I love love love the feeling of home - to be home, to have a home, a place where I feel completely comfortable, completely me, and completely loved. I feel that way in my apartment - I just adore all the colors in here, and all my pictures (both the ones I've taken and the ones of my family and friends), and of course the most important thing that makes my apartment a real home: my little angels of happiness, James and Emma! I also have the wonderful feeling of home at my parents' house, the home that I grew up in from age three and on. I think anyplace where my parents live would feel like home to me because it's more about them being there, but I love my house there, too, and all the memories and familiarities that it contains.
Health - this is something that I often take completely for granted, but I am oh so grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my very healthy immune system, and grateful for not having any serious health problems. I admit that I have a sometimes neurosis about especially cancer, but also the possibility of heart disease and all those other things that can go wrong inside and kill you before you even know about it or when it's too late. If it were up to me, every six months I'd have a doctor give me a full-body x-ray and CAT scan and whatever other scans there are, just to make sure there are no tumors or blockages or any possible thing that shouldn't be there. But I know I shouldn't stress about these things or else they will probably happen to me - so I keep reminding myself that the probabilities are low because I'm still young (but in a whole new decade now with more worries - ahhh! This is supposed to be a grateful thing and not a freaking out thing, so I'm going to just take a step back and RELAX now!!!)
Hope - I think hope is one of the happiest and most positive things, and I am so grateful that there is always hope for absolutely anything. A world and life without any hope would be much, much more depressing.
Head - I'm very grateful for having a head as it holds my eyes to see, ears to hear, mouth to speak, tongue to taste, brain to think and feel and do everything else, and my overall face to communicate so much more. I like my head!
Heart - I'm very grateful for my heart and its steady beating (and hopefully complete health inside there where I can't see it!). And I'm also grateful for my heart in the sense that mine is full of love and joy.
Hands - I'm so grateful for my hands, because without them I wouldn't be able to do SO MANY THINGS. Seriously, we use our hands for almost EVERYTHING we DO! I'm incredibly, stupendously grateful for my hands!
Handwriting - I love how each person's handwriting is different and makes each of us special. And I love when I sometimes see some really cool handwriting!
Hair - I have to admit, I love my hair and am so grateful for it! It's long and it's strawberry blonde, and it's different from everyone else's hair and I love that. When I was really young I hated my hair, I hated having red hair and being different from everyone else, even though all the grown-ups would always comment on it. As a result of my hatred of everything red haired, I refused to get a strawberry shortcake doll, and I also refused to see the movie Annie. Which ended up having a very very traumatic effect.
The shortened story: I think I was maybe 5 when my mom said she was going to take me to my first "big girl" movie (non-cartoon) and she gave me the choice between Annie and E.T. As you know now, I refused to see Annie so we saw E.T., and I remember being terrified during the movie (I specifically remember seeing his body all white and horrifying) and when we got home I told my mom when I was going to the bathroom, when I was going to another room, etc. I also was too scared to go to sleep by myself so for over a month my mom let me go to sleep in the family room behind a chair, until my dad finally was in a mood one night and yelled at me. After that, I snuck back downstairs every night after they put me to bed, and I'd sit on the fourth step from the bottom all night until they came to bed, constantly looking back behind me and expecting to see E.T.'s sillouette at the top of the stairs. Eventually they had to move my bed into my little brother's room and turn my old bedroom into a play room for us, and we shared a room until I was nine and my parents lured me back to my own bedroom by getting me a whole new bedroom outfit, complete with canopy bed! (Okay, that wasn't the short version but a pretty long version instead - but I had fun recounting it - it was a very big event in my early life!!!) Anyway though, now I adore my red hair and while I still have no desire to see Annie, I wouldn't stay away from a movie anymore because the star has red hair! Oh, I didn't watch E.T. again until near the end of high school and it was sweet then but still brought back the trauma from when I was so young, and I don't think I've ever seen it again.
Healing - I'm so grateful for my body's ability to heal itself in so many ways, both big and small. It actually amazes me sometimes when I think of it - how muscle can grow back together when cut, how skin can grow back - how our brains somehow know exactly what's wrong and they send the correct stuff there to fix it all up. It's amazing! And so fabulous!!!
Hospitals - I'm very grateful for hospitals and all doctors' offices where I can go to get a checkup, get advice, get medicine, get tested, and have most anything done to make sure I'm in good health. And I'm so seriously grateful for all the medical advances that are constantly being made, and the new discoveries and new drugs and new tests and new everything. I so hope to live until I'm quite old (as long as I'm in good health) and I hope that there will be even so many more wonderful meds and tests and procedures by then.
Hearing - although I always say I would easily choose to give up my hearing instead of my sight if I had to choose one, I am still so so so grateful for my ability to hear - to hear voices, music, the mews of my kittens, the sound of leaves blowing in the breeze, the sound of the ocean waves crashing on shore, the sound of birds and even of cars. It's so wonderful!
Holidays - I'm so grateful for holidays and the happiness they give us, and the excitement to look forward to, and the days off at work, and the gathering of family. Christmas is my favorite, and Thanksgiving is my second favorite (SUCH yummy food!!!)
Hobbies - I'm so grateful for our ability to have hobbies. I've been thinking about this lately - probably most of the people throughout history were so busy doing things to live (working, farming, washing, cooking, cleaning, sewing) that they probably didn't have time for hobbies. I'm so incredibly lucky that I can get my food at a store, do my laundry in the washer and dryer, buy my clothes at a store, and have to work only one job. I'm so lucky that I have so much time to satisify my need for laziness and still have time left for wonderful hobbies.
Humor - I love humor, it's such a wonderful addition to life and to almost every situation. I'm so grateful for humor and my ability to enjoy it and find the humor in many things.
Heat - I get cold so easily and I hate being cold, it's so terrible - so I am so eternally grateful for every single way that I can get warm, from socks for my cold feet, to wonderful soft blankets, to winter jackets, and of course, the heat that warms my apartment and warms all buildings. And because I'm not an engineer, I don't even understand exactly how these heating systems all work, and even thinking about all the pipes that need to go through buildings and all that stuff - well, it seems very complex and I just ADORE it!!!
Heating pads - when I initially made up my list of H words, it was last week Friday and I was laying on the couch with terrible cramps, going through my wonderful dictionary. I had taken more tylenol than I was allowed to take and the cramps were still terrible, so I busted out the heating pad and it really worked! So I made damn sure to put it on my list here!!
Help and Helping - I'm so grateful that so many people are willing to offer help to others, and I hope that I can learn to follow that example more (I care very much, and want to help people, but I often don't feel like I actually do very much).
Hugs - I have to admit that although I'm very affectionate with a guy who I love, I'm a little bit outside of my comfort zone with lots of other affection by others. Well, I do often greet and/or say bye to friends with hugs and I'm fine with that except for when the other person doesn't act completely natural with it. Hmmm, okay well I'm in the middle then. My mom told me that when I was a little girl I didn't accept a lot of affection and would only want to be held and hugged if she was reading to me. I still have this little worry in the back of my mind that there's something wrong with me and I'm cold and unaffectionate - because I was that way so young. But I'm not that way when I love someone. And I love giving affection to James and Emma. But I want my own children to be completely natural with affection, and hopefully they will be - and I'll hug and kiss them all the time so they grow up with it and it's just a part of their life.
History - I'm so grateful that there's so much written and taught about history now, so we can find out just about anything! I love just trying to imagine how people really lived at different times in history - what daily life was like, and I wonder what they would dream about and hope for, whether girls had lovely romantic dreams or whether they were too tired from all the work, etc.
Heredity - it's so cool how we're such products of our heredity - in appearance, personality, and health. I always love seeing pictures of my friends' parents so I can see who they look like and where they get certain features. And I'm also grateful for how much we can learn about ourselves based on our heredity.
Hormones - yes, they bring me to highs and lows sometimes but I still adore them, they make me who I am, they'll let me have a baby someday, and I even like the highs and lows!
Horniness - I couldn't do an H list and not include horniness! I'm grateful for that wonderful feeling, and all the desires and fantasies that it brings along with it!! Yum!!!
Hellos - I am so grateful for the little random "hellos" that I get now and then from total strangers, because they make me feel so good and so grateful to be living with all these other wonderful people!
Hamburgers and Hot dogs - yummmmmmmy!!!! I love them!!!! (Although I did just read an article about how the stuff in hot dogs (not the gross stuff, but the chemicals or something like that) may include toxins that possibly increase the chance for cancer (it's late and I honestly and for the life of me can't think of the word that means essentially "toxins that possibly increase the chance for cancer" but now you know that I really do know there's a word and you'll all forgive this little paragraph for sounding so borderline daft.)
Hats - when it's cold outside, I'm so so so grateful for hats!!! Oh and I also really love cowboy hats! :)
Heaven - even though the sort of accepted view of what heaven will be like - everyone singing and praising God and happy all the time - sounds so terribly boring to me, I'm still grateful that there's the promise of something after death. I couldn't imagine living and not having the hope for anything after this, that we would just die and disappear. That would be so awful! Also, I wasn't initally sure that I wanted to include this on my list, but I worried that if I didn't something bad would happen to me. I know, I'm a little crazy sometimes.
Honesty - I also debated putting this word on the list, because at first I was thinking in a terribly jaded way that there's not much honesty left in the world. But then I realized, upon thinking about it, that I try to be honest most of the time (except for little white lies which are harmless), and all the people who I count as wonderful friends are the same way, and I trust them and their honesty, and I'm so grateful for that! And it really sort of got me thinking more and I ended up completely the opposite from my original jaded point of view. Now I think that even if our administration isn't the best and is often arguably dishonest about things, and even if many people in power all around the world are arguably dishonest, I think it's the little people, all of us who are living life, that matter more to each other. I almost expect everyone in politics to be dishonest, but I expect my next door neighbor to be honest. As long as the people around me are overall honest, then I'm in a very happy place!