I'm so sad and lonely right now and missing The German so much
It's early Sunday morning - well, around 8:40, but I've been up for an hour even though my alarm was set for 9. And I'm doing okay right now, but I'm tired and feel very off in many ways.
I still don't know if I have things worked out in my head to write, but I'll start and maybe that will help me work it out. But so I don't know how good this post will be.
Yesterday The German came over, we went to our fun breakfast, and then we came back here. On the way to breakfast and on the way back we either held hands or had our arms around each other the whole time. It was a little warm and we were a little full so The German took his shirt off and we laid down on my bed, and as I laid there with my head on his bare chest and his arms around me it started hitting me that I wouldn't be in that place that I loved anymore, and I started crying silently for a couple minutes while I tried to get up the courage to start talking.
Then The German rolled on his side and I rolled on my stomach and I let him see my face and my very obvious crying, and he asked with much concern, "Tigress, what's wrong??" My initial explanation to him went something like this: "I don't know what to do, this is so hard for me. I've been thinking about this for the past week and really since the baseball game and it's just torturing me. I love you, you know that, and I know you love me. But you don't want the home and children and I do, and because you don't want them that means I'm going to have to find someone else to fall in love with who does want those things, but I can't fall in love with someone else while I love you the way I do, and I just don't know what to do here because I can't imagine my life without you but yet I know I need to stay away from you or I'll never be able to be with someone else. I don't think I can see you for awhile because when I do, I see this face that I love, and these hands and forearms and shoulders and this chest that I love laying on, and I see your smile, and feel your kisses, and love your hugs, and experience all your silliness and it just makes me love you more."
The German reacted by saying something along these lines: "Oh Tigress, this is all my fault. I convinced myself that you could handle this because we've known each other for so long, but you can't because you're attached to me again. I should have stayed away more, and I've been selfish because I've been stressed at work and I love spending time with you, but I see that I'm taking all your love but you're not getting back out of this what you want."
We talked about how we love each other, but ultimately want different things. He said that if it weren't for me wanting a home and children, he knows I would be the absolute perfect person to travel around with him and experience life. He said that he loves me and he wants me to be happy and that he sees he needs to back off so I'll be able to find a guy who can love me and what I want. He said I've grown so incredibly much in the past year - stopped drinking, lost so much weight, grown so much more beautiful, become even so much more sexy (his words - but okay, I think so, too!), gained so much self-confidence, and am figuring out what I want and what's important to me. He said he was wrong to start a physical relationship with me again and he was selfish and let his desire for me take over without really thinking of how it would affect me. He said many times that he just wants me to be happy because I deserve it more than anyone he has ever known.
We talked about how difficult this is because there's nothing bad between us - instead we love each other and love each other's company and have so much fun together and care so much about each other and also enjoy many of the same things. So there's nothing bad now, but just us not wanting the same things in the future.
We talked as friends, too, for awhile, and I loved that - I talked about how I didn't know how I would find someone who would be right for me, how I struggle with what exactly I want my life to be like because I want the children but I also want to not become the traditional suburban American family and don't want to fall into the trap of collecting possessions and never really experiencing the world - I want the children but also to be a bit odd still and to keep perspective on what's important in life, and to travel and experience the world with my husband and children. I told him that I've thought before that I should find some professor to marry so during the summers we could go live in Guatemala one summer and Italy one summer and so on, each time staying in a normal little house and my children could learn Spanish and Italian and we'd help in the community and we would all therefore do good and also remember what's important in life. It felt really good to me just to talk about my dreams and my frustrations with regard to the future with him - because that's not something I've talked to him about for a long time as I was secretly hoping that the future would be with him but because I didn't know I didn't want to start such a discussion before.
We also talked about what we should do now. I told him that when I see him and he's so affectionate, it makes me only want to be with him - and that it was so hard for me to tell him that he's not allowed to cuddle me anymore because he is absolutely the best cuddler. We talked about how a year ago, maybe more a year and a half ago, we only saw each other every couple weeks and I was going on dates with guys who I met off the internet, and I was able to get excited about other guys and not about him. I do remember that time, and it's true that I didn't think of The German romantically and would actually get annoyed with him sometimes, and we would cuddle but it didn't mean the same to me as it does now. I told him though that the cuddling has to be out, as hard as that is to say, because no other guy has ever been able to come even close to how good he is - because he's just naturally big and has a strong chest and strong arms and he holds me firmly and lovingly and in just the perfect way - and as long as I get cuddles from him then I don't feel the need to get them from anyone else. And also, when I do find another guy, I'll be cuddling with him of course and all affection with The German is off limits.
So ultimately though, I'm not thrusting him completely out of my life and to be honest, I'm happy about that because he is important to me and is such a good friend and I've known him now for almost three and a half years. We're going to play it by ear though, and see what we can and can't do. Right now, we aren't going to see each other for awhile. We didn't say how long, but it will be for a good period of time, and I'll see how I'm doing. As The German said, right now I don't feel the need to find a guy, or go out and meet guys, because I'm not lonely and I've been getting love and affection and sex from him - but without him around I'll start getting used to it and also then eventually start wanting to meet other guys. So no seeing each other, no physical contact. However, we did decide that we could still IM each other. That makes me feel better because I'm not completely losing contact with him but yet he's also not really here. Most of our IM conversations are just pure silliness anyway and just more of an amusement while I'm at work. With regard to talking on the phone, only every once in awhile, although I'm really not putting that into play until after this weekend, and after I start getting used to not seeing him.
I'm writing this all out now very dry and probably even really boringly - because I'm just trying to remember everything and organize it for myself. But throughout most of our talk I was crying, or at least crying on and off. And he cried, too - not alot, but a couple tears fell down his face. I was a little shocked and asked him if he was crying and he said, "yes, I feel bad and I'm really going to miss you, too." We kissed many times during this talk and we also had sex one last time - and it was so intense and passionate. He also held me when I cried and even when I didn't, and I ran my hands all over his face, his lips, through his hair, over his shoulders, forearms, hands, and chest as I told him all the physical things that I loved about him. He cuddled me and told me how amazing I am, how wonderful, how perfect. And once, when I was looking at him with tears all over my face, he said out of the blue, "You are so pretty." I loved that, that little simple statement, mostly because of the way he said it and the way he was looking at me while he said it.
Well so anyway, after all that, and it took well over an hour, he said he would get going. That made me start crying all over again. He hugged me so many times as he got ready to go, he kissed me so many times, he told me how much he liked my place and that I've done such an amazing job at making it so cozy and happy, he pet little James a lot - he was definitely feeling sad because he was almost kind of memorizing everything. He is going to come take care of James and Emma in two weekends when I go to my parents' place though - when I told him I could have someone else do it he said no, no he wanted to do it - I know he loves my babies even though he pretends not to. But I won't be seeing him - I'll drop my keys off with his doorman before I leave and pick them up from the same guy when I come back.
As he was about to leave and I couldn't stop weeping he tried to make me feel better - he told me that I wasn't losing him, that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, that he's still here but we're both just going to back off, that he would do anything for me. I couldn't stop crying and I know I'm not losing him, but I'm losing something - I'm losing our cuddling, our kisses, our time together, my happiness with him, and my dream of a future with him. I need to change my love for him to go back to just a friend love, but in that process I'll be losing our romantic love and that makes me sad. I wept as he walked out and walked down the stairs - he told me he loves me - and then I picked up James and sat in the front window to wave bye to him when he walked out, and I could barely say "bye" from crying so hard. The worst part though, was watching him walk down my street alone, away from me and by himself. That was so so so so so so so awful. I could hardly breath I was crying to hard and my whole being just hurt.
I called him five minutes after that because I just had to get that awful image of him walking away alone out of my mind. I cried on the phone to him and he reiterated that we aren't losing each other but just taking a break, and that this is the best thing for me. I cried on and off all day yesterday and felt lost and broken and fragile and like nothing was right in the world. I had a terrible headache for awhile and managed to fall asleep for a little bit. During the better times I felt just lost but knew inside that I would get better, that this was for the best and for my future and happiness. During the worst times I couldn't stop crying and felt that I would never be able to love anyone else but him.
After he left I had emailed him a couple of the flower pictures that I posted the other day. His email back to me in the evening was so sweet:
Tigress,
Don't be sad! I'm still there for you, we only have to
stay away from each other a lot more so you are not
placing your love and hope with me so much. I want you
to be happy. If I could help by being there with you I
would. But of course that's the opposite of what you
need.
Love, your Schwein
He also called me in the evening briefly to check on me, as we had discussed. And tonight we are also going to talk, but then we will mostly just chat on IM, and I'll start getting used to this and not cry so much anymore. I do admit that in the late evening I went through a terrible crying spell and was so sad and broken, and I wrote him an email just because I had to get my terrible feelings out:
I'm sad :( Right now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the whole world. No one to walk around with, no one go to breakfast with, no one to boat with, no one to go to the store with, no one to cuddle with, no one to kiss, no one to watch little movies with - no one to be so happy with and make every little moment special for me. I'm just sad, because I always love every silly minute with you and every silly thing we do together is always so much fun for me. So I'm very weepy and very blue :( I know in the logical part of my brain that I will be okay, but I don't feel it right now. And I know I'm not losing you, but at the same time I am, because I'm losing a part of what we have together, and I'm losing your cuddling and I'm supposed to stop loving you in a romantic way and that's losing something. It's all for my own good and it's my own choice I know, but it still is breaking my poor tigress heart because I miss you already right now. I'm so so sad! :( :( :( I love you, and it does make me happy knowing that you love me as well and that I'm so important to you - and I know that it's not a problem with me that is the reason why we can't be together. But I still just wish you were here and laying in bed with me holding me like you were today. But I know you can't be doing that. But I still miss it already :(
Oh I'm just so sad and so weepy but I would keep going on forever so I'm going to stop writing now. I know I'll be sad for awhile. Tomorrow I'll make myself shower and get dressed and go outside to do something, even if just walking to the grocery store. I can't go to Trader Joe's though because it always makes me think of you and our certain times of going there together.
Just rereading that email makes me cry again. However, about an hour after writing that I was feeling a little better again so I wrote him another little note telling him that, so he didn't think I was completely crazy with crying. Yesterday was an awful day. I hate that feeling that absolutely nothing is right - nothing could make me comfortable, nothing could make me happy, I was having my breathing problems where I felt that I couldn't get a full breath of air and the only thing that eventually helped with that was drinking tea - I psychologically feel that tea is relaxing and healing so it does relax me.
Today is a little better. I still feel as if there's a cloud over me, but I see the sunshine coming in here and that brightens my day a little. I feel a little more hopeful and a little more normal today. I know I'll be okay in the long run, and The German and I are just going to play this by ear as to what I need and more importantly, what communication we can't have. I am very close to having the breathing problems again and once I start taking those extra deep breaths it just gets worse so I'm trying really hard to keep myself relaxed - I'm trying to breath well and slow.
There was one bright light in my day yesterday, and it continued throughout the day and is right in front of me even now: my wonderful cousin Trena, who lives in California, sent me flowers and a sweet note. They arrived in the morning, after I woke up but before The German came over. I was completely naked when the guy buzzed so I answered the door with a towel wrapped around me and the poor delivery guy was so embarrassed and stared at the ground the whole time - it was so cute.
Anyway though, I wouldn't have thought that getting flowers could be such a positive thing, but the fact that they were from my cousin and came on a terrible day was just perfect. I looked at them constantly yesterday after The German left, and seeing them really made me feel less alone and reminded me that people besides just The German love me. I felt like they were more than just flowers but were some little extension of her - I know that sounds silly, but they really meant so much to me and really affected me. I emailed Trena and told her that yesterday she was, along with my babies, an angel of happiness to me, and she really was. These beautiful flowers from her are such a light in my darkness here.
And also, they gave me something fun to do because I have so far taken probably 200 pictures of them. Yes really, that many! Many yesterday and then many more this morning when the sun was shining in on them. And I'm going to of course include a few of the pictures here now - my photography skills aren't at all fabulous in these and really the pictures are nothing special at all and actually kind of boring, but the flowers themselves are so so beautiful.
I still don't know if I have things worked out in my head to write, but I'll start and maybe that will help me work it out. But so I don't know how good this post will be.
Yesterday The German came over, we went to our fun breakfast, and then we came back here. On the way to breakfast and on the way back we either held hands or had our arms around each other the whole time. It was a little warm and we were a little full so The German took his shirt off and we laid down on my bed, and as I laid there with my head on his bare chest and his arms around me it started hitting me that I wouldn't be in that place that I loved anymore, and I started crying silently for a couple minutes while I tried to get up the courage to start talking.
Then The German rolled on his side and I rolled on my stomach and I let him see my face and my very obvious crying, and he asked with much concern, "Tigress, what's wrong??" My initial explanation to him went something like this: "I don't know what to do, this is so hard for me. I've been thinking about this for the past week and really since the baseball game and it's just torturing me. I love you, you know that, and I know you love me. But you don't want the home and children and I do, and because you don't want them that means I'm going to have to find someone else to fall in love with who does want those things, but I can't fall in love with someone else while I love you the way I do, and I just don't know what to do here because I can't imagine my life without you but yet I know I need to stay away from you or I'll never be able to be with someone else. I don't think I can see you for awhile because when I do, I see this face that I love, and these hands and forearms and shoulders and this chest that I love laying on, and I see your smile, and feel your kisses, and love your hugs, and experience all your silliness and it just makes me love you more."
The German reacted by saying something along these lines: "Oh Tigress, this is all my fault. I convinced myself that you could handle this because we've known each other for so long, but you can't because you're attached to me again. I should have stayed away more, and I've been selfish because I've been stressed at work and I love spending time with you, but I see that I'm taking all your love but you're not getting back out of this what you want."
We talked about how we love each other, but ultimately want different things. He said that if it weren't for me wanting a home and children, he knows I would be the absolute perfect person to travel around with him and experience life. He said that he loves me and he wants me to be happy and that he sees he needs to back off so I'll be able to find a guy who can love me and what I want. He said I've grown so incredibly much in the past year - stopped drinking, lost so much weight, grown so much more beautiful, become even so much more sexy (his words - but okay, I think so, too!), gained so much self-confidence, and am figuring out what I want and what's important to me. He said he was wrong to start a physical relationship with me again and he was selfish and let his desire for me take over without really thinking of how it would affect me. He said many times that he just wants me to be happy because I deserve it more than anyone he has ever known.
We talked about how difficult this is because there's nothing bad between us - instead we love each other and love each other's company and have so much fun together and care so much about each other and also enjoy many of the same things. So there's nothing bad now, but just us not wanting the same things in the future.
We talked as friends, too, for awhile, and I loved that - I talked about how I didn't know how I would find someone who would be right for me, how I struggle with what exactly I want my life to be like because I want the children but I also want to not become the traditional suburban American family and don't want to fall into the trap of collecting possessions and never really experiencing the world - I want the children but also to be a bit odd still and to keep perspective on what's important in life, and to travel and experience the world with my husband and children. I told him that I've thought before that I should find some professor to marry so during the summers we could go live in Guatemala one summer and Italy one summer and so on, each time staying in a normal little house and my children could learn Spanish and Italian and we'd help in the community and we would all therefore do good and also remember what's important in life. It felt really good to me just to talk about my dreams and my frustrations with regard to the future with him - because that's not something I've talked to him about for a long time as I was secretly hoping that the future would be with him but because I didn't know I didn't want to start such a discussion before.
We also talked about what we should do now. I told him that when I see him and he's so affectionate, it makes me only want to be with him - and that it was so hard for me to tell him that he's not allowed to cuddle me anymore because he is absolutely the best cuddler. We talked about how a year ago, maybe more a year and a half ago, we only saw each other every couple weeks and I was going on dates with guys who I met off the internet, and I was able to get excited about other guys and not about him. I do remember that time, and it's true that I didn't think of The German romantically and would actually get annoyed with him sometimes, and we would cuddle but it didn't mean the same to me as it does now. I told him though that the cuddling has to be out, as hard as that is to say, because no other guy has ever been able to come even close to how good he is - because he's just naturally big and has a strong chest and strong arms and he holds me firmly and lovingly and in just the perfect way - and as long as I get cuddles from him then I don't feel the need to get them from anyone else. And also, when I do find another guy, I'll be cuddling with him of course and all affection with The German is off limits.
So ultimately though, I'm not thrusting him completely out of my life and to be honest, I'm happy about that because he is important to me and is such a good friend and I've known him now for almost three and a half years. We're going to play it by ear though, and see what we can and can't do. Right now, we aren't going to see each other for awhile. We didn't say how long, but it will be for a good period of time, and I'll see how I'm doing. As The German said, right now I don't feel the need to find a guy, or go out and meet guys, because I'm not lonely and I've been getting love and affection and sex from him - but without him around I'll start getting used to it and also then eventually start wanting to meet other guys. So no seeing each other, no physical contact. However, we did decide that we could still IM each other. That makes me feel better because I'm not completely losing contact with him but yet he's also not really here. Most of our IM conversations are just pure silliness anyway and just more of an amusement while I'm at work. With regard to talking on the phone, only every once in awhile, although I'm really not putting that into play until after this weekend, and after I start getting used to not seeing him.
I'm writing this all out now very dry and probably even really boringly - because I'm just trying to remember everything and organize it for myself. But throughout most of our talk I was crying, or at least crying on and off. And he cried, too - not alot, but a couple tears fell down his face. I was a little shocked and asked him if he was crying and he said, "yes, I feel bad and I'm really going to miss you, too." We kissed many times during this talk and we also had sex one last time - and it was so intense and passionate. He also held me when I cried and even when I didn't, and I ran my hands all over his face, his lips, through his hair, over his shoulders, forearms, hands, and chest as I told him all the physical things that I loved about him. He cuddled me and told me how amazing I am, how wonderful, how perfect. And once, when I was looking at him with tears all over my face, he said out of the blue, "You are so pretty." I loved that, that little simple statement, mostly because of the way he said it and the way he was looking at me while he said it.
Well so anyway, after all that, and it took well over an hour, he said he would get going. That made me start crying all over again. He hugged me so many times as he got ready to go, he kissed me so many times, he told me how much he liked my place and that I've done such an amazing job at making it so cozy and happy, he pet little James a lot - he was definitely feeling sad because he was almost kind of memorizing everything. He is going to come take care of James and Emma in two weekends when I go to my parents' place though - when I told him I could have someone else do it he said no, no he wanted to do it - I know he loves my babies even though he pretends not to. But I won't be seeing him - I'll drop my keys off with his doorman before I leave and pick them up from the same guy when I come back.
As he was about to leave and I couldn't stop weeping he tried to make me feel better - he told me that I wasn't losing him, that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, that he's still here but we're both just going to back off, that he would do anything for me. I couldn't stop crying and I know I'm not losing him, but I'm losing something - I'm losing our cuddling, our kisses, our time together, my happiness with him, and my dream of a future with him. I need to change my love for him to go back to just a friend love, but in that process I'll be losing our romantic love and that makes me sad. I wept as he walked out and walked down the stairs - he told me he loves me - and then I picked up James and sat in the front window to wave bye to him when he walked out, and I could barely say "bye" from crying so hard. The worst part though, was watching him walk down my street alone, away from me and by himself. That was so so so so so so so awful. I could hardly breath I was crying to hard and my whole being just hurt.
I called him five minutes after that because I just had to get that awful image of him walking away alone out of my mind. I cried on the phone to him and he reiterated that we aren't losing each other but just taking a break, and that this is the best thing for me. I cried on and off all day yesterday and felt lost and broken and fragile and like nothing was right in the world. I had a terrible headache for awhile and managed to fall asleep for a little bit. During the better times I felt just lost but knew inside that I would get better, that this was for the best and for my future and happiness. During the worst times I couldn't stop crying and felt that I would never be able to love anyone else but him.
After he left I had emailed him a couple of the flower pictures that I posted the other day. His email back to me in the evening was so sweet:
Tigress,
Don't be sad! I'm still there for you, we only have to
stay away from each other a lot more so you are not
placing your love and hope with me so much. I want you
to be happy. If I could help by being there with you I
would. But of course that's the opposite of what you
need.
Love, your Schwein
He also called me in the evening briefly to check on me, as we had discussed. And tonight we are also going to talk, but then we will mostly just chat on IM, and I'll start getting used to this and not cry so much anymore. I do admit that in the late evening I went through a terrible crying spell and was so sad and broken, and I wrote him an email just because I had to get my terrible feelings out:
I'm sad :( Right now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the whole world. No one to walk around with, no one go to breakfast with, no one to boat with, no one to go to the store with, no one to cuddle with, no one to kiss, no one to watch little movies with - no one to be so happy with and make every little moment special for me. I'm just sad, because I always love every silly minute with you and every silly thing we do together is always so much fun for me. So I'm very weepy and very blue :( I know in the logical part of my brain that I will be okay, but I don't feel it right now. And I know I'm not losing you, but at the same time I am, because I'm losing a part of what we have together, and I'm losing your cuddling and I'm supposed to stop loving you in a romantic way and that's losing something. It's all for my own good and it's my own choice I know, but it still is breaking my poor tigress heart because I miss you already right now. I'm so so sad! :( :( :( I love you, and it does make me happy knowing that you love me as well and that I'm so important to you - and I know that it's not a problem with me that is the reason why we can't be together. But I still just wish you were here and laying in bed with me holding me like you were today. But I know you can't be doing that. But I still miss it already :(
Oh I'm just so sad and so weepy but I would keep going on forever so I'm going to stop writing now. I know I'll be sad for awhile. Tomorrow I'll make myself shower and get dressed and go outside to do something, even if just walking to the grocery store. I can't go to Trader Joe's though because it always makes me think of you and our certain times of going there together.
Just rereading that email makes me cry again. However, about an hour after writing that I was feeling a little better again so I wrote him another little note telling him that, so he didn't think I was completely crazy with crying. Yesterday was an awful day. I hate that feeling that absolutely nothing is right - nothing could make me comfortable, nothing could make me happy, I was having my breathing problems where I felt that I couldn't get a full breath of air and the only thing that eventually helped with that was drinking tea - I psychologically feel that tea is relaxing and healing so it does relax me.
Today is a little better. I still feel as if there's a cloud over me, but I see the sunshine coming in here and that brightens my day a little. I feel a little more hopeful and a little more normal today. I know I'll be okay in the long run, and The German and I are just going to play this by ear as to what I need and more importantly, what communication we can't have. I am very close to having the breathing problems again and once I start taking those extra deep breaths it just gets worse so I'm trying really hard to keep myself relaxed - I'm trying to breath well and slow.
There was one bright light in my day yesterday, and it continued throughout the day and is right in front of me even now: my wonderful cousin Trena, who lives in California, sent me flowers and a sweet note. They arrived in the morning, after I woke up but before The German came over. I was completely naked when the guy buzzed so I answered the door with a towel wrapped around me and the poor delivery guy was so embarrassed and stared at the ground the whole time - it was so cute.
Anyway though, I wouldn't have thought that getting flowers could be such a positive thing, but the fact that they were from my cousin and came on a terrible day was just perfect. I looked at them constantly yesterday after The German left, and seeing them really made me feel less alone and reminded me that people besides just The German love me. I felt like they were more than just flowers but were some little extension of her - I know that sounds silly, but they really meant so much to me and really affected me. I emailed Trena and told her that yesterday she was, along with my babies, an angel of happiness to me, and she really was. These beautiful flowers from her are such a light in my darkness here.
And also, they gave me something fun to do because I have so far taken probably 200 pictures of them. Yes really, that many! Many yesterday and then many more this morning when the sun was shining in on them. And I'm going to of course include a few of the pictures here now - my photography skills aren't at all fabulous in these and really the pictures are nothing special at all and actually kind of boring, but the flowers themselves are so so beautiful.
And here are a couple pictures of my cozy living room where I spent the afternoon and evening yesterday laying on the couch. The lighting isn't too good in the first picture but you get the picture.
It's now 12:30 p.m. - I took a break and also have now reread what I wrote and most of it is extremely boring but I don't really care because I'm not going to rewrite it. I'm feeling very blue again and so so so sad. I'm not going spend my life with The German, I'm not going to have him here with me, I'm on my own and I'm so sad. He's stronger than I am right now because he knows now what I need. He'll call me when I need to be called, and be there when I need him, but he's going to stay away like he did in the past and I just really really wish that he didn't have to! This is so awful - I look outside and see the sun shining and see the blue skies but I feel so bleak and sad and lonely because he's not here with me anymore and I have nothing to look forward to in the whole world right now. Everything is gray and sad for me. He's the only person in the world who I feel like talking to right now and he's the one person who I have to stay away from. I wish everything could just be good and that he was here right now hugging me and holding me and kissing me. My nose hurts from blowing it so much.
I'm going to go take a shower and let the water run over me and try to relax. My mood today is like yesterday - like a rollercoaster where for awhile I think I'm doing okay and can handle it even though I'm sad, and then for awhile I'm in a deep pit of loneliness and dark and depression, and then back again. I feel so alone and so lonely and so lost and so hopeless and so broken right now. I know it'll get better, but that's how it is at the moment, and it's not fun.
