Still a Caterpillar...Someday a Butterfly!: Some pictures and preparing for tomorrow

I know this first picture isn't technically so perfect because of the rainbow and other light playing off the lens, but I love it! It looks so magical to me this way, so full of light, hope, love, beauty and joy!!

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover (this song is a little extra dramatic but I love it and have loved it ever since I first heard it - and I always sing along. It doesn't completely reflect my mood at the moment but many, many of the lyrics are very applicable to The German and I, and I've thought that before as well. And I have to admit that this is one of my songs of choice to listen to when I'm very sad and/or depressed. And I keep playing it over and over and over tonight.)

I stayed home from work again today. I was so sleepy this morning and went back to sleep after both my mom and The German called. I reset my alarm numerous times and once I think that thing was probably going off for at least a couple minutes because I was having a dream about suitcases beeping and in my dream I couldn't figure out how to turn off the beeping and was fumbling with switches all over those suitcases and was so incredibly annoyed!

Well but so anyway, I finally came out of my stupor at about 11:30 a.m. And at first I thought that of course I would just get ready and go into work for the afternoon, but then I just didn't - I didn't want to do anything or leave or see anyone or have to deal with anything. I think that even though I don't feel a constant sadness or stress because of my decision with regard to The German, the stress is still there inside me, and when I feel stress or sadness I tend to hide - and often that means not going out into the world and instead just staying home with myself where I can think anything and feel anything and do anything.

The German is coming over tomorrow morning and we've planned to go out to breakfast. I know that afterward we'll come back to my place and it's sometime then that I plan to talk with him - I need to at least get the ball started rolling because I think the stress of knowing what's going to happen and worrying about doing it is torturing me inside. He and I instant messaged for a long time today about a couple of articles that he'd read, and even while I was typing and chatting with him I was wondering whether it would be okay to still instant message or whether I need to cut off everything. I'll tell him all that, and that I don't know where to draw the line, whether to allow some far away contact such as IM or whether to cut off our contact totally, or what to do. I just know that I can't see him - that has always, always made me feel closer to him because he's so affectionate with me and I feel so safe with him and love cuddling against his strong body.

This is all so hard and I know I might not get it perfect the first time, but I know that I will say we can't see each other anymore. It's all going to be so so so hard for me and I know that I'll start crying before I even begin to talk. But it will also get us talking and I know this is all about what's best for me, so I can have the hope of a future which includes love and family and fun and children. And I feel such strength because of all the support I've gotten.

I'm starting to feel nervous though. And starting to get a terrible headache right at the corner of my right eyebrow.

Here are some more pictures of the same flower bush/tree that I took this past week. My mom said it's called a Rose of Sharon. Oh, and a couple other pictures are at the end, too.

The same shot as the one above, but without the reflective light

From further away

I LOVE these flowers!! I look at them every single time I walk by, and am struck by their perfect beauty!

Some fence action

Fence and sidewalk

The EVIL blue screen appeared again a couple days ago - sometimes I really hate this bastard computer of mine! (But it's working right now, so I won't say anything else mean about it just in case it can understand what I'm saying!)