I spent a lot of time tonight writing emails and responding to some older emails, as well as watching Grey's Anatomy and cuddling with especially James, who just needed and wanted so much love! So as a result it's really late and I don't have time to write much, and certainly don't have time to give a full recap of my date last night!
BUT - I'll tell just a few things. First, it was a wonderful date and I've been excited all day today (Thursday - I know it's after midnight now) about it! He picked me up and took me to a cool place near me for dinner - neither of us had been there before but a friend of his had recommended it - and it was so tasty!!! I had trout, which I'd never had before, and it was amazingly good. And we shared a flourless chocolate afterward and it was seriously the best flourless chocolate cake ever! And we got along so well and I had so much fun talking to him! And I could tell that he was having fun talking to me as well!
I knew from talking to our mutual friend about this guy that he was very similar to me in many ways - he's the male me but more advanced, in that he already speaks fluent Spanish whereas I want to learn it, he plays guitar and I want to learn it, he's very into self-awareness and being a good person and doing good. I worried that he was a little too odd, and to be honest, the jury's still out on it and he does say some really odd things sometimes - and even admitted having a knack for causing uncomfortable pauses in conversations when he gets too philosophical about life. BUT, I saw last night that he also laughs alot and has fun and is very interesting. And many times when I was talking and telling him a little story or tidbit of info about me he commented, "you're so cute!" and from his look, he made me feel very special. And he even thought it was cute that I constantly made him check my teeth for me!
So we had a wonderful time at dinner and talked easily, and I was able to really be myself almost completely. When we finished and walked outside, he suggested walking around a little as it was such a beautiful fall night, so we went to his car so he could get his coat and I could drop off my purse. And then we walked and talked and learned a little more about each other. I felt comfortable because I felt confident in myself - and he helped me feel that way. So didn't feel that I was inferior to him and didn't get quiet and think too much about what I was going to say and instead loved learning about him and laughed and had fun.
Eventually we walked into a nearby park and came upon a gazebo of sorts, and he stopped walking. And then I started to get nervous because we were stopped, and I just KNEW that he wanted to kiss me but I didn't know what to expect - whether he would know what he was doing and it would be comfortable and fun, or if he would be kind of awkward at it and completely turn me off. So in my nervousness, I just kept talking! I'd talk about something and then stop and he wouldn't say anything but be looking at me, so I'd immediately fill up the silence again - it was a little funny to me even then and now I just laugh at myself about it!
After a bit he asked if I wanted to sit down for awhile and I said yes, so we sat at the top of the little stairs. I was still nervous so started looking around at the gazebo and commenting on the cool ceiling and talking about the cool pictures I could take there, and when I stopped finally he looked at me and told me I had amazing eyes and that he hadn't been able to stop looking at them all night. (Now, The Meat and The Queen laugh at this because they believe all guys use this line and never mean it, but since I think I DO have amazing eyes, I always know the guys are telling the truth even if it is a bit of a line.)
And then, he leaned in for the kiss and lifted one hand to the back of my head, and I found out that he knew exactly what he was doing and was the best kisser I've had in a very long time! He had soft lips that were just the perfect mix between hard and soft, there was no slobber and no gross robotic darting tongue. I was very quickly quite involved and taken away! And that was even before he started sometimes grabbing the back of my head and hair and moving me just the way he wanted me - and I fucking love it when a guy takes control like that, a fire just travels down to the pit of my stomach and further south still! And I could feel his passion and it was such a turn-on!
We sat on those steps for a good forty-five minutes at least. We kissed, we made out, he kissed all over my neck and I felt his warm breath in my ears and I turned to putty. He ran his hands all over my back and gave me a bit of a back tickle, and I reciprocated a little later. I ran my hands through his hair, all over his face, slid them slowly down his neck and over his chest and shoulders. It was very, very hot!!! And now I know that we have extremely good sexual chemistry - at least for the beginning stuff and I know absolutely that the rest would be even better!
After our very long fun time, which included some flirtatious talking and some laughs as well, I told him he had to take me home or else I'd end up demanding that he fuck me right there, and then I laughed a little, and stood up on the steps in front of him. He lifted my sweater a little and kissed my belly, which I thought was so sweet. Then he put his arm around me and we walked back to his car and he drove me home. We sat in the car for another ten minutes because he leaned over and grabbed my head and pulled me to him and I couldn't resist. And then we chatted a little before I got out and went in. He had picked me up at 8 and I got inside my place at 12:30 a.m., so it was a very good amount of time for a first date, I think.
I sent him a little email when I got inside and he emailed back this afternoon and then he called early in the evening and left a good message (I couldn't get to it when it was ringing) and then he called late tonight after his band's rehearsal. I'm going to see him tomorrow night - his band (less the drummer who can't make it) is playing at a bar and I'm going to watch and also practice my photography skills and try to get some wonderful pictures of the band and the individual band members playing. And I'm so excited to hear it - to hear him sing and hear his songs - he writes all his own stuff. I don't know exactly what to expect, but I hope I like it.
Well - I guess I ended up writing it all anyway!!! :) I'm so happy that I'm excited about someone new and it feels so good, and even though I don't know where this might go yet, it's fun right now no matter what! And I feel good getting back out there, and just so happy that I'm excited right now about this guy! It's such a wonderful feeling!!!
However, there is a kind of potentially very big issue that could affect a long-term relationship - even though I've only gone out with him on one date so far, I always start analyzing the potential for long-term and marriage and children. Yes, I know it's a little silly but I can't help it and I absolutely always do it if I even half like a guy! So anyway, right before we all left work tonight I told everyone about this one certain issue and suddenly The Meat and The Queen got very serious and the whole mood which before had been such excitement and silliness took a sudden turn.
And when The Meat and I were walking to the train, he kept looking at me and saying that he was worried that he was seeing the future - which I filled in as me falling for this guy and ending up with a broken heart because he wouldn't marry me - and The Meat confirmed that as his exact worry. He told me that so many people at work really love me and want only good things for me and so want me to be happy and not go through any pain - I never tire of him telling me that, it makes me feel so loved and special. I was kind of depressed after that for a little while, but then I decided to just take it easy and see what happens. And I also called MWFB about it and chatted with him for awhile.
So that's that! I know there was something else I was going to talk about, on a totally unrelated subject, but I can't remember what it was. Oh - well yesterday afternoon The Meat, Freckles, Swedish Meatball and I all went fishing and first we just caught a few Gobies, but then we spotted HUGE salmon swimming along the sides of the harbor, intent on munching the moss growing along the walls. They weren't at all interested in our bate, but we had such fun just looking at how enormous they were, and running along the walls to follow them and we kept trying to entice them with our worms! They were so impressive!!! So huge and fat compared to what we normally catch!!! And the whole time the weather was just gorgeous - such cool dark clouds and some blue sky and a perfect fall wind and some sunshine and wonderful fall crispness - I loved it!!! It was the absolute best time fishing/fish watching!!!
Okay, now it's REALLY late! It's 1:30 a.m.! I need to go to bed! So I can be all awake tomorrow night to watch this guy and his band play, and hopefully get some good pictures for them! I just KNOW there was something else I wanted to talk about quickly, but it'll have to wait until later!
A New Template (yay!), A Date (a wee bit nervous), and An Anniversary (a peaceful smile)
Yes, the template is having some issues. Why? I don't know yet because it was working perfectly and gorgeously on another blog and I just copied and pasted the template. I'm going to try to make some changes tonight but I may have to go to bed and work on fixing it tomorrow at work. This is such a pisser!!! I wanted it to look perfect! The sidebar is supposed to be to the right and not have any pink background behind it. And the main column is only supposed to be as wide as the writing contained therein. In case I fix these things, it won't make any sense what I'm saying and that would be a good thing! But otherwise, I'll hopefully have it all figured out within 24 hrs!]
Okay, hopefully when you all read this my new template will be up and working and will be looking wonderful!!! I'm so in love with the new colors and with my beautiful picture on the top banner! The one thing that I couldn't figure out was how to have the entire thing always centered no matter how big or small you make the page. I could do the banner fine, but the post column and sidebar column are both separate and I couldn't figure out a way to link them together and then set them as a pair to be centered. So instead I set all three elements in one place so at least they all look good relative to each other. But to do all that I learned a little about the differences between absolute and relative positioning and floating! I feel so cool!!! :) This
is the template that I worked off of and changed around, and I also have to thank CeeCi
for making the most gorgeous template for herself - and which I tried to emulate in a number of ways because it's so pretty! :)
Originally I was going to finish up and post my Gratitude Tuesday list of K words, because I really want to start back up with regularly doing Gratitude Tuesday - it really does have such an effect on my outlook and mood for the whole week. BUT, I stayed a little late at work because today I suddenly started cleaning my desk and little area and kept going at it (and this is an area that has not been cleaned or straightened in full for a.very.long.time.), so by the time I was even sort of finished it was late and then I hung out with The Meat and chatted with him for awhile. And then when I got home I started putting the few things from the old template into the new template.
And then I decided to finally call this guy who I met a couple weeks ago; he called me a couple days after we met and left a message and I called him back a few days after that and left a message, and then I went through my funk and during that time he called another three times and left messages and I had never returned the calls. He last called last night and left a very nice and sweet message. So anyway, when I called he was in rehearsal with his little band but sounded so happy to hear from me, and he called back an hour later and we chatted for awhile.
And now I have a date with him tomorrow night - he's picking me up at 7:30 and we're going to dinner. He was free tomorrow and Saturday and so was I so I said whichever day was better for him and he chose tomorrow. I know it's probably the better day because 1) it gives me no real time to chicken out, and 2) it's during the week so I'll be busy all day and then we can't stay out too late. But still, it seems so soon and I'm a little nervous - a first date, with the potential for awkward silences and all that. BUT, I'll remind myself that I'm fabulous and I'll try to be myself, and I'll have fun no matter what - that will be my mantra at least!
Oh - today (Wednesday, the 27th - it's after midnight) is an anniversary of sorts for me. One year ago today, on a Tuesday morning while I was sitting in front of the mirror getting ready for work, I felt some chest pains and the realization suddenly crystalized in my mind that if I didn't stop drinking, it was going to kill me. I knew it without a doubt.
I had skipped work the day before because on Sunday night I had gotten my normal bottle of wine and then, as sometimes happened when I was extra weak, I wanted more after the first bottle so I ordered in another bottle of red wine and drank half of it before passing out on my couch. The next morning I woke up and at sometime called in sick, and then lost an internal battle in my head and drank the other half of the bottle that was left. And then at around 11:30 a.m., already a little drunk, I ordered in another bottle of red wine and drank that into the afternoon before passing out again and waking up sometime in the evening completely disoriented and feeling physically like shit and mentally out of it and emotionally so dirty and horrible and guilty.
So anyway, that next morning after feeling chest pains, I knew the disease was going to kill me if I didn't stop drinking - and that was a terrifying and very real thought. And sitting in front of the mirror, I decided to stop. I was crying while trying to put my makeup on and making plans in my mind - to call my doctor, to research pills that would temporarily help me with the cravings, to make an appointment with a therapist who specialized in alcoholism, and finally, to tell all my friends about this so it would be real and I couldn't run away from my decision once the fear of dying was gone and the craving took over. That day I was almost numb - my decision was made but it was almost too big, too raw, to verbalize just yet. I did research the meds online though, and also made an appointment with my regular doctor and called about an appointment with a psychiatrist.
So it was a year ago when I made my decision, which was a really really really really really big deal. I wasn't able to stop completely right away - I think I drank three times after my decision, the last time being November 9th last year. Anyway though, my mom's birthday is Sept. 28th (tomorrow), so on her birthday last year, I was able to tell her of my decision and tell her of the appointments that I had made and the steps forward that I was taking. And even though I still felt numb and raw and a bit lost inside, and I knew it wouldn't be easy at all, it felt good to have made the decision and be starting it all.
Well so anyway, I wanted to note this day and remind myself of where I was exactly a year ago. I'm so thankful for that chest pain (due to whatever cause) and for the sudden message and subsequent strength from above that has given me a whole new life and hope!!! :) I feel like the banner picture right now - with a heavenly light shining down on me and a rainbow glowing next to me!!! :)
And now, it's ridiculously late so I need to post this and load in the new template and pray that it all looks perfect so I can go to bed right afterward!
Almost a new template - I'm so excited!!!!! :)
I just lost a post I was typing - that hasn't happened to me in so long and it's quite pissy frustrating!!! It was my computer's fault because it suddenly had to shut down Internet Explorer, and it was my fault for not saving it all the time as I usually do. But it was only three paragraphs (but big paragraphs) so at least I didn't lose some humungous post! And now I'll start saving it all the time again, after every paragraph!
I don't have time to rewrite what I just wrote because I need to get to bed so I can actually wake up in the morning (which has been a HUGE issue for the past four days). So quickly: I've finally finished just a tiny bit ago with a new template that I just love and adore because it's so so so pretty and I did so so so much work on it to get it that way, and I've learned an incredible amount about mostly css language and somewhat html language, and it's also so incredibly addictive (as CeeCi warned it would be once I really got into it)! So, this designing a template has been my absolute obsession for the past three days and I haven't done a single thing other than work on it (and another template that I finally realized I wasn't liking so much, and another one that I worked with but wasn't getting anywhere I liked).
So I'm happy I'm done so I can get to other things, including my normal life, but I also know that I'll be just itching to do more and learn more things! Anyway, tomorrow night I'll add just a couple other little cute things, and also check it out at work tomorrow to make sure it looks good on screens other than my own here at home, and then tomorrow night I'll hopefully be loading it onto this site and I'll have a wonderful new template that will make me so happy every time I see it!!! And I'll know just how much work I put into it, tweaking it so so so so so many ways to make it close to perfect!
Okay, then I talked about how I saw the movie Spanglish on Saturday and how it managed to get my attention away from the computer because it was so so so good, and how I was weeping
(in bold because it was serious weeping) all over the place at the end, and it brought so many feelings to the surface. Adam Sandler was so cute and perfect in the role, and Paz Vega, the star, was so enchanting and perfect and unbelieveably gorgeous but so cute that I wasn't jealous of how beautiful she was and instead was nearly in love with her myself! And also, I so wish I could have her accent!!!
That's all the time I have for - I absolutely NEED to go to sleep now!
Fun pictures and struggles with code
Yesterday I spent the entire day trying to learning codes - css and html - and both looking for templates that I like and can work off, and trying to alter certain templates. I actually am loving it and it's so fun and interesting, but can also be really frustrating sometimes. For example, on my current template here, for some reason it never wants to let me put padding between my photos and the borders. And also, as I put borders on the pictures in this post, some of them are coming out the intended dark grey/black, but some of the borders insist on being blue for absolutely no reason at all. What the fuck? And also, (although I'm thinking this is Blogger's fault), because I centered the captions under my pictures, whatever I try to write after all the pictures is also centered and when I try to left justify it, all the captions follow suit. Again, what the MFing fuck??? [Edit: apparently the pictures that have blue borders here in my edit mode don't have any borders on them when they are actually posted. I have no idea why???]
Anyway though, here are some pictures that I never posted but had always intended on posting, from when I was at my parents' cottage a few weekends ago. I'll write another post later this evening and not include any pictures with captions so I hopefully won't have to deal with any layout issues!!
I love this picture of a dragonfly! I saw it sitting almost right in front of me when I was taking pictures of the lake, and it posed quite nicely for me and didn't move. This picture is cropped a bit as I didn't actually get quite this close!
This fuzzy little moth was sitting just a little outside our front door, sleeping on the side of the cottage. He was so incredibly cute! He reminds me of a little Ewok (however you spell it)!
Here's a closeup - he's so furry! And his little furry arms and furry antenna are so cute! And I especially thought it was funny that he has a tiny bit of poopy butt, from the looks of it!! :) Some beautiful Black-Eyed-Susans that my mom planted. Another photo of one of my mom's pretty flowers.
My little artistic black and white :)
I saw this abandoned mailbox when my parents and I were out for a walk.
I'm back :)
Okay, I'm back! You know, when I hadn't written for a few days it seemed like such a huge task to get back to it and have to catch up, so for the last couple days although I wanted to write, it just seemed too big a job so I did what I'm best at and procrastinated. And I also got really sleepy really early last night and went to sleep on my couch at around 9 p.m. (and moved to my bed at midnight).
I bought a new little quote book the other day! I'm just absolutely addicted
to quotes so anytime I see a really cute book of them and I look through it and see quotes that touch and inspire me, I just have to buy it! This one is called SoulHappy (and the "ul" part of "Soul" is pressed into the cover so it's there, but has no color so when you first see the book it looks like "So Happy" - how cool is that little double title!!
A quote that made me immediately think about why I love blogging and my wonderful blogger friends: The world connects not by molecules. It connects through ideas, hopes, faces, dreams, actions, stories, and memories.
- Barrie Sanford Greiff (a psychiatrist and consultant)
And a few others that I like, because I feel like writing more happy quotes:Every now and again take a good look at something not made with hands - a mountain, a star, the turn of a stream. There will come to you wisdom and patience and solace and, above all, the assurance that you are not alone in the world.
- Sidney LovettAt the heart of each of us, whatever our imperfections, there exists a silent pulse of perfect rhythm, which is absolutely individual and unique, and yet which connects us to everything else.
- George LeonardThere is precious little hope to be got out of whatever keeps us industrious, but there is a chance for us whenever we cease work and become stargazers.
- H.M. TomlinsonGreat ideas...come into the world as gently as doves...if we listen attentively, we shall hear, amid the uproar...a faint flutter of wings, the gentle stirring of life and hope.
- Albert Camus
Okay, I feel good! I love my quotes - they relax me and give me such a feeling of peace and hope! Well, I'll give a quick little update on what I've been up to since I last wrote, which was I think last Wednesday night. I'm sure that after work on Thursday I went directly home and I think just read my book for awhile, and tried to work on a new template for awhile. Then on Friday I was feeling a little better because I had plans for the weekend and also because my mom and I finally made up - she wrote me a long email on Thursday afternoon and guessed that The German and I had gotten close again and then, analyzing a bunch of little things, she guessed that it had recently ended and that I had been the one to end it. Sometimes she so surprises me - not that she isn't smart because she's actually quite brilliant - but when she puts together a bunch of different things and just seems to know
what's going on in my life I'm always a little surprised and impressed. So anyway though, when she called me on Friday morning we had a really good talk and she was very sweet and caring and motherly and it made me feel loved and a little protected, and like she was back on my side. And that's a good way to feel!
Anyway, work was fun on Friday because we didn't have much to do so all chatted quite a bit. And I also felt good because The Meat had told me how much everyone at work cares about me, and even though I know it, it was so good to hear and be reminded of. Apparently, The Queen was talking quite badly about The German and really upset with him for causing me more pain - that makes me just want to hug The Queen for caring so much, because he's usually just silly and doesn't show that side too often! Then TIC and I left early to go to her house and I helped her daughter set up their new computer and printer while TIC cooked her wonderful food, and then Florida and Asparagus came over and we all ate and then went to the movies and saw Hollywoodland, so the whole night was so fun!
On Saturday I slept late and then moved very slowly but eventually made it over to Freckles' house to watch the Michigan-Notre Dame game (and we were happy to see Michigan kick some serious ass!!!), although okay, we didn't actually watch much of the game because we were chatting most of the time. And I met her 8 1/2 month old little puppy Lola, and she was so so so incredibly cute and sweet and affectionate and cuddly and I just adored her!! She was shy and scared of me at first but she warmed up quickly and was soon giving me tons of little puppy kisses and I loved it! And I took so many cute pictures, too!!! I can't post most of them because they prominently feature Freckles, but here are a few that I've cropped and that show how adorable and perfect Lola is!
Isn't she so cute!?! I hung out with them into the evening and we watched the movie Matchstick Men which was wonderful, and then we ordered in some Thai and watched over half of the movie Two For the Money which was about the worst movie we'd ever seen so we turned it off. The whole day was very fun and I loved having something different and fun to do!
And then on Sunday, I only slept in a little and then I finally did all my millions of dirty dishes, and I cleaned every dirty thing in the kitchen. And I straightened up my living room a little. And I hung up three pictures in my dining room. And I looked at tons of pictures of Italy and started getting really excited to be going there in the near future! And that's all I did but somehow all that took most of the day. Oh, I also called MWFB and we talked for a long time and that was so much fun. I did get upset and sad and bothered and cried for awhile because of something The German said when he called me that day, but all that is a whole different story and for another day.
Then on Monday I went to work and went fishing with The Meat in the afternoon, and it was so relaxing and nice to be outside and spending time with The Meat. And after work I went to Trader Joe's and got some yummy stuff. Yesterday I went to work and briefly saw Florida and MWFB which was so fun, and after work I came home and didn't do much and then fell asleep. And tonight, SP came over for awhile and we had ourselves a bit of good fun and then talked for awhile, and since then I've been cuddling on and off with my babies and finally sitting down to write this!
I was going to start catching up on Gratitude Tuesday by doing my list of K words tonight, but it just turned to midnight and I'm feeling quite sleepy now, so that'll have to wait for tomorrow night. Oh, and Grey's Anatomy is on tomorrow and I'm a little excited about it! Yes, I feel like a dork saying that but I can't help it, I just am! And on my list of things to do tomorrow is to make an appointment with someone from one of the grad programs in social work so I can start figuring out whether it's something I want to pursue. Although if it isn't I think I'll be even more lost because that means I won't have even an idea of what I want to do and be when I really grow up. But I'm not going to get into all that right now because instead I'm going to go to wonderful sleep!
It feels good to be back and writing again! :)
Jumping around blue post
I think I'm going through a bit of depression again. It's not PMS because my period is just ending. And it's not even that I'm sad or crying - it's that I don't have the volition or energy to do any of the things that I want and need to do, I can barely make the effort to do some normal things, and I want to hide inside my apartment and not face anything or anyone.
Today I couldn't wake up enough to get out of bed, and even though I woke for a minute here and there, I would fall asleep again before I could call into work. And when I finally woke up and got up at around 1 p.m., I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone and call in. I haven't wanted to actually talk to anyone all day, or have any communication other than with my babies.
I've spent the late afternoon and evening reading up on template stuff and then working on a new template - I'm just taking my current template and changing things slowly, but I'm working off something at least because there's no way I'd know how to start from scratch. It's starting to look really good, only it's harder than I thought and there is a lot of changing one little thing at a time so I can see what actually changes on the template. It's fun though, when I see things happening! And at least I feel like I did something tonight, and I found it really fun and challenging and interesting as well.
Around 4 p.m. today, I wrote out a bunch of stuff in a very stream of conscious way. Here is some of it, although keep in mind that this was just what was coming into my mind, as opposed to fully formed and developed thoughts:
"I skipped work today. I couldn't wake up, slept until well after noon. Then I've sat on the couch since then. I've researched templates. I can't seem to make myself get up and do the dishes, or clean, or vacuum, or do much of anything. I think I have some definite depression symptoms. Last night I ordered $200 of vitamins from LifeSource. I don't eat healthy - for dinner I often have chocolate, cookies, and cheerios. On Monday I went to the grocery store and got lots of yogurt, some apples and nectarines, and bread and ham so I can make myself sandwiches for lunch. I haven't been able to make any sandwiches yet - Tuesday I woke up too late and today skipped work. I've only had coffee and about 8 chocolate chip cookies today. I've been having my breathing problems a lot over the past couple months or maybe longer. And I always have some drainage down the back of my throat and have to make a disgusting sound to get it out. But it does no good to blow my nose because hardly anything is actually ever in my nose, just in the back of my throat.
The world seems a little blue to me. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out to be with anyone, that maybe I'll be alone my whole life and that'll be okay. I could have one baby on my own. I'm thinking much more about grad school for my MSW [Masters of Social Work]. I don't know what's in my future and I don't know what I want the future to be right now, and it's making me really uneasy and unsettled.
I keep somehow making no effort to stay in touch with anyone. The only people who I want to talk to anytime are The Meat and The German. And usually Florida. I need to call MWFB cause it's been almost two weeks - holy shit, so long - since I've talked to him. And I need to call my grandma, and send my grandpa his card. I need to email a ton of people. But somehow I can never bring myself to do any of that. I also can't seem to bring myself to do anything at all - I have no volition at all. I come home from work and sit on my couch and watch TV and read stuff on the internet and write my blog and that's about it. I haven't even gotten on IM because I don't want to talk to anyone. Except The German.
I never clean, I still haven't hung up all my pictures because it seems like too much effort. I haven't finished painting or even opened the box with my bedframe that came two weeks ago. I also don't want to talk to my mom anymore. After our fight at the cottage and her email, and me seeing that she's just not supportive in some ways and is so judgmental and not open-minded - I just don't have any desire to talk to her and she just annoys me. When she calls me in the morning, I'm usually out of it and wanting to go back to sleep for a few minutes, so I do a good job of pretending I'm all awake and sounding very bubbly and then tell her I need to go get ready because otherwise she goes on and on about stupid things. Then I actually get up when The German calls because he knows me and won't get off the phone until he hears me in the kitchen getting food for the babies.
Everything seems blue and sad and I feel alone but don't seem to mind. James and Emma keep me happy here in my home so I don't feel lonely. But I don't like being down and not having the excitement and happiness in me. I don't like not having any real plan for the future or idea of what I want for the future - both short-term and long-term. I don't like that I don't like law and I can't think of any legal job that I would actually be happy in. And I don't know if I could really do counseling because even though I can be wonderful at helping an individual friend, it's different talking to and helping lots of different people who I don't know and have no background on. And would it depress me, hearing all these people sad? And would I make enough money to support myself? And a child? And if I never get married, will I be able to be comfortable on a social worker's salary? MWFB's therapist is a social worker and does individual counseling and makes plenty of money, but I know it would take awhile to get to that point and there would be a huge learning curve and I'm worried that I'll be good at dealing with people like me - people with relationship issues and depression and alcoholism, but I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to relate to and help the people who have other issues and experiences that I don't have personal experience with. How could I help people in other communities when I don't understand where they're coming from - they'll look at me as the spoiled, lucky, pretty little white girl who has a perfect life, and I'll probably be intimidated by some of these people who have been made hard by the experiences that they've already had. I worry that I'm getting excited by the MSW because it's a way out of law and it's something I can look forward to, and I love learning and school, but I want to make sure that I would actually like working in the area, and also have something to offer and be able to do good and make a difference. And I worry about the money as well because I can't count on being married and having a double income anymore.
I'm going to turn more lights on and look at templates for a little bit and then feed the babies and do the dishes."
So that's some of what's in my mind. And I never did do the dishes, even though I kept telling myself to go do them. I feel kind of numb right now - I'm just going about and doing things but not really doing much and not feeling my normal joy and not seeing my normal light and colors and hope. And I just want to stay inside my apartment with just my babies, and not see or talk to anyone at all. And that's not normal or healthy at all. It's been this way for a couple weeks now, maybe a little longer. The guy I met last Friday called on Sunday night and I didn't answer and haven't been able to bring myself to call him back, because I just don't want to talk to anyone, let alone have some conversation with a new person who I don't know. He called again this evening and left a very nice message and said he'd like to see me and that there's a good music festival and all that. I know I should call him - I will try tomorrow. No, I actually will call him back tomorrow - I'm so bad with never returning calls ever and it's just terrible of me and so rude but I do it all the time. I didn't listen to his message until just an hour ago. And I wouldn't have called him back tonight anyway. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and warm so maybe that will help - but I'm all pale and gross so I don't want it to be too warm so I'm not comfortable in long sleeves. I feel like I have nothing to wear and nothing looks good at all anymore. Tomorrow I'll have to get up earlier because I'll have to shower and get to work on time for me so I can look at what we have up in the late morning. And I want to get up early also so I can have time to make a sandwich for lunch so I can eat better. I will get up tomorrow and go to work, but a part of me wishes today was Friday so I could just sleep in tomorrow and not have to do anything.
Okay, enough stream of consciousness, jumping around. I'm going to bed now. I have a little stomach ache that I've had for the past couple hours but luckily it's not bad, just an irritation, so I think I'll still be able to sleep just fine (I can only sleep well on my stomach). James and Emma have been so wonderful and have spent the whole afternoon and evening right by me on the couch. They're both sleeping here now - James on the pillow next to me and Emma on the cushion above my head. I'll carry them to bed with me now as I always do - they know when it's time for "kitten bed", my sweet little babies! :)
Musical Monday and Sunset Pictures
I'm in a very mellow and relaxed mood tonight, so I've chosen a sexy blues song for my Musical Monday selection this week: Chains & Things by B.B. King
. I absolutely adore this song - it's so beautiful, so smooth, and so erotic to me for some reason - just perfect!
Okay, I have to play another one now - another wonderful blues song because now I'm in the Blues mood. This is another song from Putumayo's Blues Around The World CD
: Catfish Blues by Taj Mahal & The Culture Musical Club of Zanzibar
. It's such a perfect blues song and I could listen to songs like this all day long!
Go visit WDKY
to find out who else is playing along for Musical Monday!
I've spent a lot of time this weekend going through all the pictures I took last weekend and picking out the best ones. And I started just fiddling around with Photoshop a little, although not on any of these. Anyway though, I like to share the pictures I love, so here are a bunch of sunset photos taken on three nights. They make me feel relaxed and peaceful tonight when I look at them!
Sunset from our dock - I love the clouds!
I love how the clouds look like upside-down mountains, and their reflection is so powerful.
Swans in the sunset.
Wider angle of the sunset, and the lovely colors of the sky.
This is one of my favorite pictures - the blue and orange of the water, the swan, a path of water in the foreground from a small boat that just went by, the speedboat in the background pulling a tube, and then the dark treeline and peek of orange sky - I love it. I love the colors reflected on the water! Fishing in the fading light (and the black blob is a swan who wouldn't work with me and take it's head out from under the water!)
A jetski in the reflection of the sunlight.
Rays from above - I love it when this happens, I always feel like Heaven is looking down on us :)
I went outside this evening and it was wonderful - the smell of autumn was everywhere and so powerful, it was chilly and windy and my hair was whipping all around - I felt so alive and the air was so invigorating and put such an excitement in me!!! I just adore fall!!!
Other than that, I didn't do much this weekend. I know I was all gungho (sp?) at the end of last week - and I still am, for real! But I slept in a lot on Saturday which was good because I really needed to catch up on sleep, and I also got my period on Saturday which was a little surprising because it seems like I just had the last one. I did straighten up and clean a bit, and I went through pictures and all that stuff, and caught up on reading blogs, and started researching a bit about photoblogs. And I cuddled a ton with my babies! And today I caught up on Project Runway because Bravo was having a marathon (very important, I know). But I didn't DO much more than that. Which, as I think about it now, is really fucking frustrating! Where did all the time go and how could I possibly whittle it all away like that and do nothing?! HOWEVER, I'm going to calm myself down because it's in the past now and I can't do anything to change it. Before I go to bed tonight in a bit, I'll make a list of all the things I'll do tomorrow - that makes me feel a little better! :)
And now, that's all for tonight. I'm going to wash my face for bed and then read some stuff for work tomorrow. And I'm pretty damn tired, too - so I'm glad I'll be going to bed a little early tonight - and yay me, that's one of my goals!!! :)
Communication with my mom, and so so so much self-frustration
It's close to 11:30 p.m. and I just finished writing my mother THE LONGEST EMAIL EVER. I think I'm all typed out. She sent me an angry email this morning and apologized "for making me mad" this weekend. Then she said that she had been angry with me for a few different reasons and it had all been building up in her but she never said anything to me, so she laid out all the reasons she was angry with me in the email. It was insulting in more ways than one, but one of the reasons was completely valid and I acknowledged that just now in my response.
A couple hours after I got the first email, she sent me another email saying that I'd probably had time to read the last email, "get mad, and delete it." And she said now that she had told me all the bad things about me, she would tell me all the good things, and she made a list of good things about me. That did soften my feelings a little. And then when I got home tonight, she had sent another email asking me to forgive her for anything she'd written that had hurt me, and then she talked a little normally and ended with "I want you to know I love you, and I'll always love you, no matter what." I addressed the "no matter what" in my response, because I don't like the sound of it at all.
So anyway, I finally wrote her back and I first laid out the three things that bothered me about her comments and attack on Saturday. I wasn't mean or very angry, but I laid it all out. And then I addressed her first email and I agreed with her anger with regard to the one reason, and then I took very large issue with another reason. I also discussed the benefits of apologies, and oh I wrote more too - oh yes, about the "no matter what" comment. It was a very long email and took me a little over an hour to write. But I feel good - both that she's now finally over her real anger and also that she's acknowledging the possibility that her anger was maybe a little excessive. And I also feel good that I've now written out all my feelings, and in a very logical and calm way - and because she isn't angry anymore and because she's feeling a little bad now, she'll read my email and actually think about it instead of dismissing it outright.
Other than that, I'm on a mission - I've been so on and off angry with myself over the past couple weeks. I'm so angry at my laziness, at my seeming inability to start things, continue things, or finish things. I'm so angry that I can never seem to have the simplest things in order - to have my apartment clean, to have my dishes done, to give myself a pedicure when I know I need one. And I'm so angry that I have so many interests and so many things I want to do, but that I completely lack any discipline to actually work on any of them (learning guitar, learning a foreign language, learning Adobe Photoshop, reading so many hundreds of books). And I'm also so angry with my completely awful record of staying in touch with friends - I never call people ever, I rarely email people, I forget to respond to emails and I forget to call people back - or I keep saying I'll do it later and never do. And I'm so angry that I eat like complete shit, that I eat bad things and don't eat things that will actually be good for me and extend my life and improve my health. And I'm so angry that I'm behind in reading and commenting on the blogs I love, and that I haven't even gotten to my Gratitude Tuesday and it's Thursday night. And I'm so angry that I can never ever seem to go to bed before midnight, and more often even before 1 a.m., and I'm also so angry that because of that and because of my lack of discipline in the morning, I am consistently so late to work, and even when I really really try to be earlier (which is every day now), I still end up so late. And I'm so angry that I've lived in my place for over THREE MONTHS now and I still haven't painted my bedroom, bathroom or little part of the hallway, even though I've had the bathroom taped for painting for a month and a half, and I've had all the paint for above-mentioned rooms for over a month now. And I'm angry that I've had three pair of dress pants for probably eight months now and never taken them to a drycleaner to be hemmed, so their hems are still held up by very classy safety pins and are still too long. And I'm angry that I'm so inconsistent with taking my prescription pills and get withdrawal symptoms so often as a result. And I'm so angry that I never start seriously looking for another job even though I feel like a loser for being where I am for so long - but I love it there, too. I'm so incredibly angry that I never finish the few things I need to actually write for work. And I'm so angry that getting ANYTHING done, or even STARTING anything, is such a fucking struggle for me!
I know I'm missing some things here, but there are so so so many things that I can never remember them all at once.
Well so anyway, I'm so tired of being this way, of being so lazy and always having great ideas and all these things that I WANT to do and WANT to learn and WANT to experience, and I'm tired of it being a CONSTANT struggle for me just to do the very basic things like cleaning, cooking, food shopping, eating healthy, doing laundry, and all the other millions of little things that most people just DO. I know I'm not alone - I know that, and it does help a little, knowing that I'm not the only person who struggles with discipline in so many ways. But I don't want to be this way, I don't want every little thing to be such a struggle for me, and I want to have some sense of control, and I want to actually DO things instead of just think about them. I can't really adequately explain how frustrated and angry I am with myself and these flaws of mine, and my complete lack of control over, it seems, absolutely anything, even myself.
So, I'm starting to make my lists again, and I'm getting excited by crossing things out, and I'm feeling good about getting the following things done over the last two days: making a hair appointment, making a vet appointment, ordering and picking up refills on my prescriptions, getting calcium chews and new vitamins and other things from Walgreens, getting my eyeshadow from Marshall Fields that has been essentially gone for the past two weeks, emailing my mom tonight, doing laundry tonight, getting a Mystic Tan last night, getting a huge and wonderful book called The Ultimate Spanish Review and Practice
(I've made up my mind for good - I'm going to relearn Spanish and it'll be my second language - it's practical, there are plenty of people to practice with, and I know it'll come back pretty quickly from high school), going to a few of the cheap stores tonight and looking for clothes (I only bought a pair of jeans - all the fall clothes this season SUCK - seriously, skinny pants look terrible on anyone who isn't a stick, and all the long sweaters and belts look like terrible 80's clothes, the necklines are mostly awful and unflattering - I don't know what I'm going to do for anything at all new!).
I know this doesn't all sound like much, but usually I think of things I have to do, don't do them during the day or during lunch, don't leave work early as planned to do them, and end up going straight home and sitting on the couch for the whole night cruising the internet and watching TV. I have an ongoing and constantly updated list stuck to my little planner now. And I'm going to every night DO something that I want and/or need to do.
Here are things that I want to do:
- start doing a little of the Spanish book every other night or so (or ideally, work on it a little every night)
- take out the guitar and start relearning it again - baby steps, just 15 minutes/day right now
- start learning how to use to Adobe Photoshop
- I'm starting to think about getting a Mac laptop, both as a backup computer for my lemon computer and because I've been reading up on Macs and they are sounding so fun and amazing to me - and I could use the lemon to do any downloading and things like that - well anyway, I want to look more into that
- I want to start learning about designing templates so I can do my own one of these days
- figure out and write out some sort of eating plan for myself, and then make a list of groceries and go regularly to the grocery store and stick with my healthy eating plan
- start exercising again
- finish painting my apartment
- respond to emails right when I get them
- completely clean my apartment once a week and straighten it every other day
- stop waiting until every dish and utensil is dirty before I do the dishes
- start going to bed by 11:30 every night and being at work before 9:30 every morning
- do more research into social work as a potential career change
- pick up all my partially written things for work and actually FINISH them
- read more in the evenings instead of watching stupid and pointless television shows that I don't even really like
That's a good list for now. I'll probably remember other things and add them on when I think of them. I feel a little more in control now that I've laid this all out. It's not complete, of course, and I still have my list here of more immediate things. I need to have a constant list so I don't forget things, and to help me organize things. So I'm also going to work on having a constant list, or probably two - and scheduling things to be done on certain days, and at certain times.
I'm on a mission now! And hopefully it will help relieve me of some of my frustration and anger and perceived helplessness and lack of control over anything. I just wonder if it'll ever get easier for me, this DOING things, and starting, continuing and finishing things, and having basic things organized - because I know the opposite is in my genes. I feel positive at this moment now though, just from writing out my frustrations and writing out a plan. This morning I was almost crying, and I was almost manic inside at times during the day and then depressed at others, but at least now I'm feeling good!!!
And now, I have to put away half of my laundry and hope that the other half will be dry soon (one of the dryers stopped working even though I put my dollar in quarters in, so I have two loads of laundry in one dryer right now)! I'm not accomplishing my goal of going to bed by 11:30 tonight - it's after 12:30 a.m. now (I took a break to get my laundry and go through it and fold and all that crap). Tomorrow's Friday though! And this weekend I'll be so so so productive! And I'm also meeting a guy tomorrow night! :)
Some photos and one of the cute little chipmunks I saved!
My grandpa fishing - I just loved the clouds that day!
I've spent way way way too long tonight going over half of my pictures from the weekend, and now it's midnight and I'm soooooooooooo tired. I managed to get up this morning at 4:30 a.m. Michigan time, I slept for most of the train ride back to Chicago but after the first hour I had someone sitting next to me so I couldn't lay down. I'm really really sleepy now!
James and Emma are soooooooo happy to have me home!!!! And I'm soooooooooo happy to be home with them!!!!! They've been alternately doing their excited little runs and trots around the place, and cuddling and purring and getting cheek rubs and belly rubs. And they are just so incredibly cute - I swear, every little thing they do is just perfectly and heavenly adorable, from their little expressions to their little profiles to their little paws to their little excited trots and how fast their little legs move, to the look they get on their faces when they're getting hard little cheek rubs! Everything - yes every little thing about them is so cute and sweet and so incredibly perfect, I just want to hold and kiss them all the time tonight!
Oh and my bedframe arrived! One box got here last Friday and The German brought it up. And the other box - the big one with the actual headboard and footboard - was here today. But I still haven't brought it upstairs because once I got up here I didn't feel like leaving again to lug the huge box up, and I didn't want James and Emmalove to think I was leaving.
Ugh, I can't think of or remember anything else right now. Oh wait - one thing! I put a new little thing in my sidebar and it's the Love Quote of the Day! It changes every day and I'm so excited about it! I borrowed the idea from CeeCi
, because she always finds the coolest things!!! (And she has the Nature Quote of the Day on her site - and I've just discovered that she has a whole new template for her blog - I'm behind in my reading her blog about a week now (well since last Thursday I think, or maybe Friday) so tomorrow I need to catch up and read all of her wonderful words! And that reminds me, I've been getting really antsy and tired of my template so I really want to start looking for and/or sort of designing a new one.)
Okay, now some photos!!
Very cool closeup of a little bluegill - aren't the colors and fins and shape amazing!
Seagulls on a dock under clouds and sun Rays of light from above
And now, we come to my little chipmunk story. When I helped my dad carry the kayak up the side of the cottage, I saw this little guy in a trap. My dad said the doctor neighbor (who doesn't go up to the cottage too often during the year) told him that chipmunks are getting into his walls and/or attic and doing damage, so he always has the trap out for them. I coo-ed at the adorable little guy and when I asked, my dad said he thought the doctor drove somewhere and released the little chipmunks there.
After we finished the kayak, I went back down and took some pictures of him, and then went inside to show my mom how cute he was. She told me that the doctor, after catching these cute babies in his traps, walks the trap down to the lake and drowns the little chipmunks!!!!! She's seen him do it before! Can you fucking believe someone would be so evil???!!! I was and still am completely livid at the idea of this assface purposefully drowning innocent little creatures who have no way out. I really feel my heartrate increase so much and I get hot just at the fucking thought of it!!! I wish I could give that guy a piece of my mind, but I'd be so angry that I would just be blustering and blubbering about.
So anyway, I went back out and released my little chipmunk muse. And later that evening, I saw the trap had been set again and soon after I saw that it was closed, so I released the second little guy - and they are soooooo cute when they get loose! They run so quickly and so jerkily to their freedom!!!
All day yesterday I kept a constant eye on the trap to see whether the evil doctor had reset it. And then this morning at 5 a.m., while my dad was still in the shower (because he wouldn't approve), I stole the trap, put it in a paper bag and took it on the train with me (I couldn't leave it in my parents' garbage in case the guy would check through neighbors' garbage cans). It's still at work, actually, because I couldn't bring myself to completely throw it out yet. But I did take a picture of it in its bag right before I left this evening. I had put some paper towel in with it just to hide it a little and maybe reduce the clinking - so that's what all the white is. I'm so happy to have thwarted the evil doctor's murderous intentions and saved some wonderful, sweet and adorable little chipmunks' lives!!! He's so cute, looking right at me! Zooming in on his adorable little face!
And finally, the stolen trap! I feel like I should do an evil laugh now, a-la Dr. Evil, but the murderous bastard who tortures cute chipmunks has already taken that character. But I've stolen his trap, so I feel like a heroine!!!!! :)
Musical Monday and Where I've Been :)
I've been in Michigan at my parents' cottage since Thursday night, which is why I've been MIA from writing. I've checked my email, and last night I wrote part of a post, but I haven't had time to sit and really concentrate on writing a whole post. But now I'm making time!!
Tomorrow morning my train back to Chicago leaves at 6:35 a.m. and that's Eastern/Standard time so it's like 5:35 a.m. in Chicago - so.fucking.early!!! I'll take a cab straight to work when I get in and then I have a bunch of stuff to review as soon as I get there. And then I have to stay late to help my boss with a class he teaches. I'm going to be so fucking tired when I get home tomorrow night, and also so so so happy to see my little babies!
It's still Monday, and I had one song loaded into audioblog that I hadn't posted yet, so I still get to play for Musical Monday even though it's pretty late on Monday! So, here is the song Souveniers by John Prine and Steve Goodman
. I was introduced to this song by The Meat, who loves it and loves to play it on guitar, and I absolutely loved it as soon as I heard it.
So, today has been a good day - very relaxed and laid back, not much to do. I woke up to one of my parents' cats sleeping right next to me, I lazed over a couple cups of coffee and read a photography magazine while looking out over the morning lake, I helped my dad carry the kayak up to the garage, my parents and I took a walk, and we all just finished eating dinner a little while ago and I'm reclined on the couch now with a blanket over me and one of the cats curled into my side - a very nice day! And of course, I also took many many pictures all day and over the whole weekend, but I won't be able to post any for a couple days at least.
Other things from my weekend - I arrived on the train very very late on Thursday night and slept in on Friday. Then my mom and I just hung out all day Friday until my dad got home from work and then the three of us hung out. On Saturday morning my mom and I got in a little fight which I wrote all about last night and I'll include after my little weekend recap.
Anyway, then my mom and I drove back to town and she dropped me off at my grandpa's place for a few hours so I could start getting info for writing my grandpa's biography. My grandpa was completely prepared, and the time went so quickly and so well. I typed so many pages of notes as he talked, and he showed me some old photographs, such as of his chemistry lab in the basement of his house when he was 13 (and he went on to become a chemist). Everything we talked about was just fascinating and I'm so looking forward to talking so much more and getting to work on writing once I get some more information. We're going to talk on weekends and he's also going to get some kind of voice recorder, whether it's with little tiny tapes or whether they have new ones that can use flash drives, I don't know - but I just told him that his voice quality was of course the most important.
After a few hours, my mom and grandma picked us up and we all met my dad at a restaurant so we could celebrate my grandpa's 86th birthday, which was on Thursday. Then we all came back to the cottage and had cake and chatted until about 11:30 p.m., which is especially so so so late for my grandpa! Our "funny" little ongoing joke of the evening: my grandpa noted during dinner that he thought I looked like Ann Coulter, and that I also make the same gestures and talk in a similar way during a debate. My whole family thought this was absolutely hysterical because of course they are all very conservative and Republican, and I'm the opposite. And anyway, I think they're completely wrong. But I will make it a point to watch her now on some talkshow just to make sure that I don't talk and gesture the same way.
Sunday morning we all got up (I slept in of course) and chatted for awhile. Then my dad, grandpa and I went fishing together out on the pontoon boat, although I could only actually fish for about half the time because the stupid sheriff made his first appearance of the summer and drove very slowly all over the lake. I had refused to spend the time and money to go get a fishing license, so I had to just watch my dad and grandpa during that time. But I took a lot of pictures while I waited!
After dinner my mom and I drove my grandparents back home and then came back and didn't do much, which was so nice. I love my grandparents, but when they're here it feels like we have to entertain them and always be talking to them so there's no down time. Also, I sometimes find myself having very little patience with my grandma, which is terrible. She's become so ditzy, anything she says during a conversation that we're all having is usually irrelevant and off-subject or is just exactly repeating a statement that someone else made a minute earlier. I try to always be very patient with her, and I smile and respond to her, but sometime it's so hard. And this weekend was harder than it has been for awhile.
Well okay, so in conclusion, I've had a pretty good long weekend. Two full days were just my mom, dad and I, so that was perfect. Except for my mom acting like a complete bitch and then refusing to take responsibility for it or even admit that she did anything wrong. Which has kept me on and off pissed off at her since Saturday morning. And caused me to very often act coldly because it still really pisses me off.
So now I'll include what I wrote yesterday. Today I'm feeling much less angry than I was last night as I was writing it and reliving it all, which is a very good thing. And sometimes I've been normal to my mom, but other times not as much. She said today that I should be able to forgive someone even if they don't give me an apology - well yes, and I usually do, but she should just GIVE me the apology already!
Oh, and I have to start off by saying that my mom has so many wonderful things about her, and she does so much for me and loves me so much. And I love her so much and appreciate all of her many wonderful qualities. But she also has some bad qualities, as we all do - and a couple of these include needing to be in control of her environment at all times, nagging, and refusing to admit that there's anything wrong with her or that she has done anything wrong. Okay, so with that being said, here's what I wrote yesterday:I'm tired of being angry and trying to put forth the cold shoulder, but yet I'm still mad so I still can't put it behind me even though I know logically that it's not THAT big of a deal. It's my mom who I'm angry with and this happened about 36 hours ago. This evening I've been being more civil to her but I still don't feel good about it.
On Saturday morning I was dressed after getting out of the shower and was sitting at the dining room table putting my makeup on. I was wearing jeans and a dark red shirt that I wear a lot. The shirt has a diagonal neck so that the lowest point ends just below the top of that boob. It does show some cleavage when I move or when I lean over, but otherwise you don't see cleavage or boobs or anything. And the cleavage isn't outrageous at all, and I completely like the shirt.
She walked over to me for some reason and then stood back and said, "You know, you really shouldn't wear things that show so much skin, things that are so low-cut. It's really indecent." And especially the last sentence she said with a slight hiss in her voice and the sound of horror - "indecent" being such a strong word for her. I told her to back off, I like it and I'm wearing it. So because I didn't agree with her and immediately jump up and change, she turned to attack mode and the following started spewing out of her repetitiously: "It looks really terrible on you. Your friends would never tell you that, but a mother would. It's indecent and looks awful on you. You look terrible. You look awful. It's indecent." You get the point. Throughout her little tirade, I was telling her to "back off", "drop it" and "just because you're so fricking (yes, even in my anger I didn't say "fuck" because it would make her even more angry) puritanical does not mean that you can tell me what to wear and not to wear, and determine what is and what isn't indecent." And when she finally did back off and stop talking for a moment, I said, "You can be such a bitch sometimes," and then she finally walked away.
I was so so so fucking pissed off, and on a few different levels. First, who the FUCK is she to tell me what not to wear and expect me to jump to her command. I'm 30 fucking years old! I know her lack of control is one very big reason that she lashed out because she likes to have almost total control over everything in her environment, even though she would of course deny this because she has a very distorted view of herself and anytime anyone EVER tries to point out any behavior or personality flaws of hers (even in a very calm and helpful manner), she immediately starts attacking that person and starts listing everything that's wrong with that person, no matter how completely irrelevant it is! But so anyway, this control thing pisses the flying fuck out of me! I can do whatever the fuck I want and wear whatever the fuck I want. She can give an opinion of course, which is what she is holding onto as her argument for why she doesn't owe me an apology, but this was not a mere opinion that she was handing out.
Second, who the fuck is she to determine what is and isn't "indecent". Please - has she looked at 95% of the girls under age 22 and seen what they wear every day? Has she seen what outfits female characters on TV and in the movies wear? My dressing, while often suggestive and usually fitted, never makes me feel uncomfortable or as if I'm "indecently" dressed. This shirt, by the way, yes showed a little cleavage at certain angels but it isn't really fitted or tight and is actually really loose in the stomach, and paired with jeans and flipflops was so completely casual and very flattering. And fuck, I can wear whatever the fuck I want!!! But back to the "indecent" - she knows nothing and has never dressed sexy in her life as far as I know, but for her to judge that certain things are appropriate and other things aren't, and that showing any skin is indecent, is just fucking ridiculous. And besides, we are also staying at our cottage - women on the lake are going around in fucking bikinis and she's yelling about me showing a hint of boob?! This reminds me of back in high school, when she used to tell me that I needed to keep "good Christian moral values" - it became a big joke with my friends. And once when she felt that I wasn't wearing a bra (still in high school, and she felt my back before I went out on purpose, I'm sure) and I showed her the sexy little camisole I had bought, she told me that people "always" wear bras under those - which is so completely not true. So anyway, she knows nothing about any of this, but is so quick to judge what I wear as being "indecent".
Third, the attack mode that she employs so often, and the completely rude and purposefully hurting remarks that she makes are SO BEYOND ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. When she gets angry this way, which is about once every six months, she lashes out with completely hurtful comments - obviously trying to hurt me and obviously trying to use that hurt to force the result that she wants. And it pisses the fuck out of me every single time. Usually she does this over the phone so I can just ignore all phone calls and emails, or compose a very logical and calm response email. And she comes around and apologizes for the hurtful remarks at least.
But this time, not only did she do it in person, but she absolutely refuses to see that she did anything wrong, that any of her behavior went too far. She is instead insisting on an apology from me for acting moody towards her since this time. This afternoon I tried making my logical and calm argument - I pointed out the fact that I'm a grown woman who can make my own clothing decisions, I stated that while she may believe something is "indecent", it doesn't make it so. And finally, I told her that her attack on me after I disagreed with her was completely inappropriate and mean and outrageous. And she just started attacking again, said she was only giving her opinion and she can give whatever opinion she wants, and she won't apologize for anything.
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. I am not going to be able to get over this and forgive her and go back to normal until I hear an apology from her for completely overreacting and lashing out. That's what bothers me the most - that because I didn't listen to her, she wanted to beat me down and crush my confidence while wearing that shirt by telling me over and over in a yelling and very mean voice that I looked "terrible" and "awful" in the shirt. It's completely unacceptable behavior and I can't be close to someone who does that and doesn't apologize. She just keeps telling me that I'm in a "grumpy mood" and a "grump". But she won't acknowledge that her behavior is the cause of my "grumpy mood."I'm all riled still. Writing this just made me more angry again instead of letting me release it. I just can't stand the fact that she would attack me like that for no legitimate reason and at least not feel bad after it. How can she honestly accept NO RESPONSIBILITY for this?! It's so completely outrageous and ridiculous. And my heart won't let her back into my trust and loving behavior until I get an apology and know that she understands why her behavior was wrong.
Okay - so that was what I wrote yesterday. I know everyone has some bad experiences with parents, and I know it'll get better, but I'm going to insist on an apology eventually. After I leave and when I'm back in Chicago, I'll send her an email and lay out what I've just written, but of course without any of the anger in it. She and my dad engage in this behavior very frequently - whenever they fight they both get really angry and say mean things and act terribly, and then a short period of time goes by and they both start acting normally towards each other again. And all with neither of them discussing the issue, neither of them apologizing, and neither of them taking any responsibility. I think that can be unhealthy. I see the complete value in apologizing - and it's very important to me. And especially after my own mother verbally attacks me and tries to beat me down, I will not go on without receiving an apology from her. Yes, I'm a little stubborn, and yes, it sounds like a little thing, especially compared with what some people have experienced with their parents. But I'm still sticking to it.
I know I won't Gratitude Tuesday done for posting even tomorrow night, unless some miracle happens, but I'll try to get that posted on Wednesday, with this week's letter being K! Other than that, I'll be so happy to see James and Emma tomorrow night (The German has been stopping by every day and giving them love and attention, and he even sent me a video that he made of them playing and of James being brushed - so cute! - oh and no, I haven't seen The German since our talk and I don't plan to, but we talk over instant messenger and he loves James and Emma and loves taking care of them). And I'll also be so happy to go to bed tomorrow night! And I'll also be looking through all my hundreds of pictures that I took this weekend and picking out all the best ones!!! :)
And tonight, I'll also be again committing a small crime (that I've already done twice today) and tomorrow morning as I walk out to the car, I'll be stealing something from the neighbor here, and all because I love animals - I'll have a picture and more to say about that tomorrow night.