My thoughts tonight and planning for my love's arrival tomorrow!
I think I need to make myself some coffee and then maybe I'll just start with hanging up clothes. And I have about 6 loads of laundry to do and I absolutely have to start that soon cause I kinda hate going downstairs to the laundry room when it's late at night - I know it sounds so silly but I worry about 1) ghosts cause it's in a kind of basement-like place and 2) spiders and bugs.
Mr. H left last evening and made it to Moses Lake, Washington, and today he's been driving for a very long time. He called me when he made a stop in Idaho, and then texted me when he got into Montana. And then Montana is a very long state, so he called tonight and was almost in Billings, Montana. And then he has to drive at least another four and a half hours to one of the possible stops, and maybe further if he's awake enough. Then tomorrow he'll have around 13 hours of driving if he makes it further, or closer to 15 if he stops at the earlier town. My poor love, he sounded kind of beat tonight when we talked. But at least tomorrow morning when he wakes up he'll know that it's his last day of driving and he'll be with me at the end of it!!! :)
This past Monday morning, The Meat came to work and told us that he couldn't see out of most of his left eye - a black shade had been creeping more and more across his eye since Friday night. He had an appointment with an eye doctor on Tuesday afternoon that he'd made a few weeks earlier when he had a bunch of floaters suddenly appear in his eye, and he was going to wait until then. A few of us impressed upon him how important this was and we hounded him to call the doctor and tell them what was happening, and they had him come in that afternoon. He had surgery on Tuesday morning for a detached retina, and he'll be off of work for two weeks. I've since read all about detached retinas and it's really scary, and if he had waited even until Tuesday afternoon it could have been much worse. But the doctor told him the surgery went well and he probably won't have to have a second surgery. From what I read, it may take even a few months for his vision to come back like it was before, but I hope it comes back quicker than that for him.
I found out on Tuesday that the young sheriff's deputy who I had a kind of fling-like relationship with a few years ago killed himself on Monday night. He was I think 26 years old, and was such a sweet and innocent person. I'd told him before that he should think about seeing a counselor because he had a real problem with alcohol and drugs and I really felt that he used it partially as a mask for depression and his confusion about life. He also had pretty low self-confidence even though he was so cute, and I could of course relate to that.
It's so sad and such a waste that he's dead, and it makes me so sad. He really was a good person and such a sweet guy. He was a little messed up, but still so good and sweet and I always had hope that when he matured and got a little older that he'd find himself and be happy. He always definitely seemed young, even younger than he was. It's really bothering me how he could kill himself, how he could decide it wasn't at all worth it and he had no hope. He shot himself with his gun. I like to think that he was drunk and/or on drugs and that exacerbated any feelings of sadness and depression he was feeling and made him do something that he hopefully wouldn't have done had he been sober. Not that it makes a ton of difference because he's still dead, but I like to think that it's not something he truly wanted to do.
I also have a little bit of guilt. Not that I think I could have done anything, but he really looked up to me. He moved to a new work location over two years ago, but a couple months ago he was at the building I work in for some administrative reason, and he came up to say hi and tell me he'd heard that I was engaged and was happy for me. He wanted to hear all about how I was and he kept saying how good it was to see me and how much he missed me. He always saw such hope in my life and loved just listening to me talk about my life and the things I love. He told me about a couple recent troubles he'd had, but also how he was about to buy a condo and I was so happy for him because I felt it would help him to be more responsible now that he wouldn't be living with his parents.
He texted me a few times since then and I only responded once because I didn't want to encourage him. The night before he killed himself he texted me to tell me that he just got his new place, and I didn't respond. I know he's responsible for himself and I know I wasn't responsible for checking up on him or anything like that, but like I said before, he really did look up to me and admired me and what if him texting me was some sort of little cry for help? Of course they didn't sound like a cry for help, but they did sound slightly sad and nostalgic and if I had at least just sent him a nice text response back maybe it would have made him the tiniest bit happier.
I know I'm way exaggerating my effect on him and I know that I had nothing to do with this and had I sent a simple text response a couple times I'm sure nothing would have been different, but I guess at least I wouldn't feel bad that I ignored him. Still, it's true that I had no responsibility to him, and I found the most important relationship and love of my life and I'm devoted to that and not to trying to rescue a young man from drug abuse and emotional problems.
I just wish he had sought help from someone and not resorted to such a terrible decision. I don't know how someone can do that, and I wonder just what he was thinking as he lifted the gun to his head and knew he would die and never feel or see or experience anything again. I wonder where he is now, I've thought of that, that at least he knows what's out there now and what happens after death. I feel so awful for his family, for his mom and dad and younger brother and sister. This will affect them for the rest of their lives. And I understand that he killed himself at his girlfriend's house and while she was there, so it will completely affect her for the rest of her life - I'm sure she heard the gunshot and was the one to find him dead just after that. I hope people in her life make sure she gets counseling.
So anyway, it's been on my mind because I've never known someone personally who killed him-or-herself. I'm so sad for him and so sad for his family and I just wish he would have reached out to someone or someone close to him would have realized something was going on with him. He was so young and had a whole life ahead of him and to voluntarily end his life is so pointless and such a waste and so selfish and so sad. There are millions of people out there with terrible illnesses who are fighting for just one more day and one more week and one more month, and this guy who was young, healthy, good-looking and sweet made the decision to end his life right then and there. It's just so wrong and so bothersome.
Okay, well hopefully this will help me a little, having written all that. His funeral is this Sunday but Mr. H will be here and we'll be in Michigan. If it had been any other weekend I would have gone to the funeral to maybe find some kind of peace with it all and closure. But so instead I wrote this and maybe it'll help me feel better.
I'm going to go make some coffee now so I can start cleaning to get all ready for my love to be here tomorrow!!!