Trying to use methods to deal with overthinking and beautiful flower pictures!
All last week I had been fighting the negativity and negative thoughts. I'd been trying to do what my book said and not let myself dwell and spiral downward and I'd done a pretty good job - as in, the thoughts and worries were always there and hovering on the edge of my conscious, but I wasn't letting them consume me. On Thursday I started thinking about it a little more, but in the way of TRYING to do real thinking. It all revolved around my immigration to Canada and how Mr. H and I hadn't done anything new to move forward with the process and make certain decisions. The logical side of my mind was trying to point out that Mr. H has been really busy and I'm the one who knows much more about the laws, etc. The negative, swirling-thoughts side kept trying to freak out and argue that Mr. H wasn't doing anything because maybe he was having second thoughts and you can just imagine where all those spiraling thoughts were trying to go. Ultimately, I wanted to hear from him that he wants this and is excited and really wants to get moving with it so we can be together.
So anyway, I had at least determined that this was justifiably important enough for me to be concerned with. And I knew that my worries weren't going to go away until I talked to Mr. H about them. A few weeks ago I decided that I would not send any more of my freak-out long emails to Mr. H, we discussed that and I agreed completely with Mr. H that me talking directly to him is much, much, much more productive. So I knew I wasn't going to email Mr. H and I'd talk to him about it in the evening, but I also needed to do something to calm myself down and stop the overthinking.
So - one of the suggested methods is writing things down. I like doing that, so I composed a kind of "script" that I would read to Mr. H that evening - that way I got to organize my thoughts a little and get it out and also have a little time to go over it again. After I was done writing but really emotional from all of the thoughts being right there (because now that I look back, I was overthinking even as I was writing), I decided to use another suggested method from the book and talk to a friend who would bring me back down to earth and not support my overthinking. So I took my "script" to The Meat and sat crying while he read it. He asked if he could edit my script and I said yes, and an hour later he had talked me down and completely changed the focus of my little script from being very heavy and depressing to being a more positive, "I'm really looking forward to moving to Vancouver to be with you, and I want us to do a little more so I feel like we're moving forward. How can I help, etc." He also talked to me about differences between men and women and many other things. By the end I was smiling again although still feeling fragile, but a positive fragile. And most importantly, I wasn't thinking as I was in the heat of my overthinking - that Mr. H was falling out of love and rethinking wanting to be with me and I was going to have my heart broken - and instead I was knowing and believing that Mr. H loves me very much as he tells me every single day.
And THEN, because I was feeling stronger but because I knew I had a few hours before Mr. H and I would talk and I didn't want to fall back into the overthinking, I used yet another method recommended by the book, well really it was a combo of a couple methods - both getting exercise and doing something that I love. I got off the train early and walked around the neighborhoods with my camera for a good two hours, taking pictures of beautiful flowers! And the weather was so incredibly perfect, and the lighting was so good, and I found all these gorgeous flowers and I was getting some really beautiful pictures and was so happy!
And also, near the end on one perfect street I talked to three wonderful people! First, as I was sitting on the ground in front of some flowers, a guy came out of the house next door and talked to me about how he used to be an amateur photographer and traveled all over the world taking pictures for fun. He was from Northern Ireland and he told me he met his wife, who is from Nepal, when he was visiting the basecamp to Mt. Everest. Then his wife came out of the house with their two beautiful little daughters and they all waved and he introduced us. He showed me pictures of his two little daughters dressed up both as Irish dancers and as Nepalese dancers - they were so cute! He and his family are moving to Ireland in two months because as he said, the US isn't a good place to grow old - he asked me if I'd seen the movie Sicko yet and I said I hadn't yet but definitely plan on it. Then they left to go to dinner and all waved goodbye, including his little daughters! I was so enchanted by them and by how friendly and wonderful this man was!
Then I walked a little further down the block and there was one house with gardens surrounding the house and the little area between the sidewalk and the street was also filled with flowers and plants. Just as I was walking up, a woman was walking out of the gate at the side of the house and I asked if these were her gardens and flowers. She said they were and I told her I love taking pictures of beautiful plants and flowers, so she started pointing out various flowers and plants and even bugs on certain plants. She was on her way out but told me if I come back sometime when she's home she'll let me come to the side and back of the house to photograph to my heart's content!
Then while I was taking photos of her beautiful flowers out front, her neighbor from across the street yelled over that if I like flowers, he had 24-some varieties of lilies over at his house. So I told him I'd definitely head over there next. When I walked over a few minutes later he came out of the house immediately and led me to his backyard, which he and his partner had completely redone five years ago - there was even a lovely little pond with goldfish back there! The guy was so friendly, in the wonderful giggly-gay-man way, and I just loved him! And he really did have so many beautiful lilies and he kept coming out of the house and telling me more little tidbits.
After all that and meeting wonderful friendly people, I was feeling so happy and hopeful and a little nervous about talking to Mr. H but not nearly like I had been a few hours earlier! He had called while I was taking pictures (I never heard it ring, I think it was when I set my purse down in the guy's backyard) and left a message that there was a fire on his block and all the power was out so he wasn't sure whether we'd be able to skype that night. And then I was thinking, "shit, I'm all ready to talk and I don't want to start overthinking again!" But I just downloaded my pictures when I got home and waited and then called him and he had power back so we got on skype a little later.
And I was brave and after talking for awhile I told him I wanted to talk to him about something and I used my little edited script and he said just what The Meat had predicted and assured me that he's excited about me coming as well and we talked about when we were each kind of thinking of the move happening, and we decided that I'd do the legwork of finding of an immigration consultant or attorney because I have more time to do that kind of thing. And we talked about what would probably happen initially, from where we'll be living to what kind of little job I could get until I can find a more permanent job. It was a really good talk and so good for me to hear this stuff.
And then he asked me if I'd been crying about it that day and he knew even before I said yes that I had and laughed because, yes he knows me! So then I of course reported to him about how I'd been trying to use the techniques in my new book to try to not overthink, and then how I'd decided to write my script (book method) and then talked to The Meat (book method) and then gone for a walk to take pictures (two book methods)! And then after telling him all I'd done and how the book was helping me (which he asked about) I asked him if he was proud of me and he started laughing and called me a goofball - I love when he calls me that, I told him it makes me so happy like when he calls me sweetheart or one of his other endearments! :)
So - all was right with the world again then!! I didn't do a complete job of not overthinking but I did at least do some good things and I'm happy about that for a beginning. And all my worries were gone after Mr. H and I talked and he was also so happy that I talked to him directly instead of sending one of my crazy long emails!
Oh - I also got my period on Thursday during the day so some of the extra emotion may be attributable to that. And also my complete peacefulness and optimism and happiness yesterday and today may be partly because of the period coming and all that emotion getting to leave. I don't care overly much because it just feels so f'ing good to feel so positive and happy and content right now, especially after the week of negative emotions swimming just near the surface!
Also as a result of my period coming, I have been extraordinarily tired! On Thursday before Mr. H and I talked I could barely keep my eyes open to look at my pictures. And on Friday morning I could barely wake up, and last night I closed my eyes and laid my head on the couch more than once. And then today - well, today I slept until 4 p.m. Yes it sounds equally disgusting to me, and oh I had such plans for today that involved doing all the hundreds of dirty dishes, doing about five loads of laundry, and fully cleaning my dirty home. When I wake up at 4 p.m. I feel like I've already wasted the day! And I was still completely lacking energy even after coffee and eating some food. So the cleaning will have to wait until tomorrow.
One thing I did today was go through all the screenshots I take nightly of Mr. H and I chatting on skype and pick the best ones and mostly ones that have a date somewhere on the screen. I uploaded about 70 screenshots to an online album (a website that I haven't used before so I got 20 free prints and free shipping - the offer expired tomorrow which was what prompted me to act today!) and ordered prints of all of them. I'll use these when applying for Canadian permanent residency, because I want to so fully document our relationship in advance so hopefully I won't have to go for an interview and that'll shorten the time period.
Also, today Mr. H was having a really bad day, and like probably many women, when someone I love isn't feeling happy, it's so on my mind and I want to do anything I can to change that. So I spent a long time writing him a wonderful and uplifting email and sending him sweet text messages. I just got an email from him and he's feeling a little better now and that makes me so happy!
Tomorrow morning I have my first First-Time Painting class! I'm a little nervous because I don't know what to expect at all, from how many people will be in the class to what we'll be learning to what I should bring. And I'm not very talented with drawing (really really not talented) and I know we're going to be starting with using charcoal to sketch a little and learn about lines and value (whatever that is). But I have to remember that everyone else in this class will also be "first-time painters" so likely not very talented either. And this is a little adult education class so it'll be other people like me who just want to do something different and fun. Okay, I've convinced myself to feel a little better!
I hope I can fall asleep tonight considering I woke up just 8 hours ago after 15 hours of sleep!
Here are some of the pictures I took on Thursday after work, I'm just in love with how many of them turned out! And I have some others that are so magical but I think they'd benefit from some photoshop help, so I may get to post more of my favorites later!