End of birthday post
This is going to be short because I'm so sleepy, as I've been all day long, and it's already 11:45 p.m. And I have my list of F words compiled for Gratitude Tuesday but I haven't had time to expound on each of them, which I love to do, so I'll post my list later tomorrow. This was the little quote for today on my daily Believing in Ourselves calendar - I really liked it and thought it was an absolutely perfect quote for my 30th birthday:Each of us is many women, and each stage of life offers the potential for discovering new freedom, new growth, and new pleasures.
- Penelope Washbourn, scholar and writer
I had a wonderful and fabulous birthday today!!!! I received wonderful emails and e-cards and even an e-movie from so many people, and I talked to my mom, my brother, Tivo, JWu, Florida, and everyone from work, and I got voicemail messages from my dad and The Bold One, and The Meat, The Queen, TIC and S took me out to lunch at our favorite Thai place, and I spent a wonderful and fabulous night tonight with The German, who just left a bit ago. I told him I would have made him spend the night if I had AC in my bedroom and he said he would have - but it's so incredibly hot and muggy outside and in my bedroom as well, so tonight is the first night that I'm going to be sleeping on my couch to be in the AC.
The German came tonight bearing gifts from an enchanting little shop in Lincoln Square that we had looked around in. He gave me a little cat alarm clock that makes very loud mewing sounds over and over when it goes off. James and Emma find it fascinating and came looking for where the sound is coming from when we were making it go off - so cute! And he got me a coffee mug that says "cool" and has a picture of a cat in sunglasses on it, so "cool cat"! And he got me a keyring Bush's Last Day counter-downer - it's so great and we had loved them when we saw them before - it keeps count of the days, hours, minutes, seconds and tenth of a second left until 1/20/09 when he'll be out! I can't wait to show my parents, who are republicans!!! And he also got me a very nice dinner tray with slots to put pictures in it, because he knows how much I love my pictures and putting up pictures of my babies and family and all my friends!
And then he gave me a card that says "Happy Birthday Tiger" on the front (he calls me Tigress) and he wrote some stuff in it and ended it with "All the love of the schwein is yours! Happy Birthday, Tigress!" and then he filled in the little space left with a bunch of hearts and X's - how sweet is that!!!! I love it!!!! (Oh and he calls himself the schwein, so that's him of course who he's referring to.)
After I opened all my presents, we left to go to dinner and we held hands the whole way even though it was scorchingly hot. We went to a little Italian restaurant and had the best bruschetta and then got two thin-crust individual pizzas that were so so good! But we saved room because he was taking me to Cold Stone Creamery after dinner for birthday ice cream - and I ordered us a chocolate ice cream with brownies, chocolate chips and chocolate fudge - so so so yummy!!! Then we walked back here and spent an hour laying on the couch cuddling and playing with the babies. It was such a wonderful night!!!
And here's the part that I'm a little confused by, and I didn't ask him to clarify. At least two times, when I was talking about my parents being here, he said "we'll have to [do something or show them something]." What's up with that? He met my parents about exactly three years ago when we were dating but since we broke up back then, he's never seen them when they've been in town. So I don't know if he was just saying that, or if he wants to come with us, or what he means by it. I didn't press it and ask him because I didn't want to get sad if he said he wasn't going to come out because I know he'd expound on the "reason" and it would put a little black spot on my birthday.
But so anyway, it was a wonderful birthday!!! And I'm happy and so content right now!!! I love life and I love my family and friends all so incredibly much!!! And I love my blog friends so so much, too!!!
Okay, it's after midnight. I feel like I really need a night of serious good sleep because I was tired all day today, and on the train in the morning I was sleeping the whole way - but the sleep where I'm trying so hard to stay awake but it's impossible and my head jerks now and then, and when the train would shift suddenly I'd jerk up and be afraid that I was going to fall out of my seat but was too tired to fully wake up. It was terrible.
But anyway, tonight isn't going to be that night of a really long and good sleep, since it's so late already. Tomorrow night I absolutely need to do some painting. I'm determined to get the two little areas done: the bathroom and the little part of the hallway. Both should be relatively quick. And that leaves my bedroom for Wednesday night. I really really really hope that the cool-down comes on Wednesday night, because I heard that on Thursday it's only supposed to be 82 degrees - how perfect!
I also need to vacuum the entire place, and for some reason I just never get that motherfucking vacuum out even though after I vacuum I'm always amazed at what a difference it makes and promise myself that I'll vacuum every week. And I also need to do my dishes because they are all dirty, but it's so hot back in my kitchen that I can't bear to stay back there and do all the washing. And I also need to do some laundry, and clean and straighten up my bedroom. And get a few things from the grocery store. All that needs to be done by Friday morning so my place will look perfect for when my parents arrive on Friday in the early afternoon. What that means is that I'll be a little busy for the whole week, and not get a very long sleep any night.
I'm so tired. My eyes are starting to close between each sentence that I write. I'm again not going to edit this and just post it. Tomorrow I'll get my Gratitude Tuesday F-words (haha!) up in the afternoon or evening - I love the Gratitude Tuesdays sooooooooo much, so I'm looking forward to sitting down and really thinking about what makes me so grateful for each word.
Thank you so much to everyone who commented and sent emails and e-cards!!! I absolutely, positively and fabulously adored them all!!! It made me feel so wonderful and special!!!
Happy Birthday to Me!!! :)
It's my birthday!!! I'm 30 and I feel wiser already! 30 years seems like a really long time - I almost can't believe that I've been alive for so long! But I'm so happy now and content and I have come a long long long way in the past year. So happy birthday to me!!!
That's all I have time for right now. Yesterday I had an early birthday day with Florida and Asparagus - we went up to The Meat's cottage and had just the absolute BEST day up there!!! We went out on the paddleboat and were in hysterics when it took us 10 minutes just to get out from between two docks (although in our defense, the rudder was all fucked up), we chatted a lot with The Meat, we enjoyed the perfect relaxation and quiet and sounds of birds and bugs and water, we fished a lot and caught a bunch of small fish and two huge and ugly catfish, and we went to dinner. I'll post some pictures tonight! But it was just the most perfect day, so perfect and so wonderful and I'm happy just thinking about it! And I'm sleepy this morning but I got up when my mom called me (although I'm moving reeeeeeeeally slow).
Tonight The German is coming over and he's going to take me to dinner and help me hang up some pictures. And right now I'm thinking that I might nap between the time when I get home this evening and when he gets here, because I'm soooooooo sleepy!
Oh, and it's supposed to be 100 degrees today and feel more like 110 because of the humidity. Ugh, that's terrible!!!
I have to get myself moving so I can not get to work too late!!!
I'm alive and very well despite not posting for so long!
I swear I'm all okay, even though I know it's been forever since I've written anything! It's 11:30 a.m., I just finished putting my makeup on and I've showered and I'm finishing my coffee. I talked to my mom for an hour this morning and it was really nice because although she calls me every morning to wake me up, I'm usually half asleep and waiting for her to get off so I can go back to sleep for another half hour or so until The German calls me. So we got to chat for a long time about all kinds of things, I loved it! She and my dad come next Friday afternoon for the weekend - I can't wait for them to see my fabulous and amazing new apartment!!!! But that's one reason why I haven't written - because I'm doing things to fix it up and/or ordering things online that I've been meaning to get. So I'll do a quick run-down of my week since Tuesday night:
I spent a long time on the internet looking for pretty fake flowers. I bought four of the prettiest and quaintest hanging flower holders from Pottery Barn - they look like they could be in an Italian villa and since I absolutely adore the Italian villa decor, I of course love these! So anyway, two are up in my living room and I need to have The German come over with his drill bits before my parents come to hang up the other two for me. Oh and The Meat gave me an extra drill of his, so now I have a drill!! But it doesn't come with the drill bits of course so I can't drill it myself. Although I told my mom all this so I think my dad will get me a package of drill bits for my birthday (which is on Monday! And I'll be (deep breath) 30!). Anyway though, I decided that I wanted some pretty fake gerber daisies or something that looked like it, so I was searching all over for that. And I ended up finding some that I really liked on eBay, although the seller is a little company so she/they sell lots of fake silk flowers and plants. I ordered both the yellow ones and the fushia ones, and each come with six bundles of seven flowers each - so that's alot of flowers! But that means I can put them all around my apartment to draw it all together!!! How exciting! I also ordered a long fake ivy plant. And the whole thing was only $90 for all that!
Okay so after that, I ordered a few things from Pottery Barn that I needed, including a new lamp shade to replace the very very very old one that broke in the move - and I'm glad it did because I wanted a new one anyway. And I also got myself this little remote control wood basket thing that was on sale, and I love it - remotes all over the coffee table look so messy. The stuff got delivered last night by the way! Hmmm, that was fast, so maybe I actually ordered this stuff on Tuesday night instead.
Oh and then I was also going through all my pictures from the last seven months that I have on my computer to find my best pieces of photography. This is soooooooooooooooooo exciting!!! The Bold One is trying to get it set that I'll be able to display a bunch of my pictures in a new nail salon that one of her clients is opening. I would provide the pictures in frames and all that, framed of course, but under each picture it would have a card with the name and also a price - so she would get free artwork, and I would get to have my photography displayed and possibly make a little money!!!! How exciting is this!!!! The Bold One is setting up a meeting sometime in the future, so I need to get a little portfolio made - hence the going through pictures. So yesterday I finally ordered A TON of pictures, and I'll be picking them up as soon as I finish this and leave. I ordered them all in 8x10 size for my portfolio and holy shit does this add up. Yes, I ordered about 50 pictures because last night I bought a portfolio book with slots for 48 pictures, and also I want to represent lots of different subject matters etc. But each 8x10 costs fucking $6! However, when I go to pick them up I'll pay the $16 fee to be a member for a year and they'll refund back to me the discount that members get. I'm hoping that it's substantial for these 8x10 prints, because holy shit is $6 absolutely ridiculously expense, when 5x7s cost 99 cents.
Oh and then before going to bed really really late at night, I put up blue painting tape through most of my apartment that still needs to be painted, until I ran out of tape.
Okay, now I'm to Thursday night:
I stayed late at work and went to The German's place at 7. We first changed into our swimsuits and went swimming in his pool - I love love love swimming in his pool! There's never anyone else in it, and it's warm and I just love seeing my hands gliding through the water out in front of me. They have these very cool lights just under the water so my hands look like they're gliding through aquamarine glowing water! But first, when I first walked in the door at The German's apartment, he grabbed me and hugged me very very tightly for over a minute and was kissing me throughout that time. Including with a little tongue. As a result, I was kind of incredibly horny so while we were in the pool we had a few makeout sessions, and a lot of physical contact, it was actually really hot. When we went back down to his place we had a pretty incredible sex session!
I know that he says he doesn't want to be married and have a home and family, and that might well be true. I'm giving this a couple months to see if anything develops more, because he really is changing and he also really adores me. But I'm really okay with it all, and if he isn't going to change I know I'll be just fine. I'm having fun right now and don't feel like meeting anyone new or dating anyway - I'm working on me and for the moment I'm very happy and content with my life just the way it is. So that's that - no pressure on me, and I'm just going with the natural flow right now. What will happen will happen.
Anyway, after swimming and sex, he cooked us up some wonderful pasta as well as the best appetizer EVER from Trader Joe's - this thing that looked just like a pizza and was similar but was very crusty and had ham, carmelized onions and grueyer (sp? I know it's wrong but don't feel like looking up the correct spelling) cheese. It was so fucking good! I'm going to get a couple of these for when my parents are here so I'll take a picture then! After eating we watched the first part of Das Boot - I had never seen the movie and as I found out from him, it was actually a miniseries in Germany and consisted of three parts of 1.5 hours each. When it was turned into a movie here in America, they just cut a ton out and made it one movie. So we watched the first of the three episodes - it was of course in German with English subtitles and I love listening to the German! After that I left but I didn't get home until 12:30 a.m. so was too tired to write.
I stayed late at work because The Meat and I were chatting and then I told him about a job that Violet just told me about at the City, and that caused me to start weeping so we chatted about all that, and about how I can get a new job and still maintain my friendships with everyone at my current job, and how I'll be just across the street, and how The Meat and I would just have to go get coffee most days then so we can have our chats then. And then because I was already crying I decided to tell him about my complete lack of confidence in myself professionally, and how I'm doubting my intelligence, and how I feel like I can't sell myself for any job because I'm feeling like I have hardly anything to actually offer - so he talked for a very long time while I cried and nodded. He helped me a little, but I still have all my issues. I think I just need to somehow deal with them myself, because I see that his building me up didn't really work. I don't really like the law, but also I feel like I don't have the mind for law. I don't think I'm good at it. I think differently somehow than I need to. And then there are all my huge flaws of procrastination, laziness and complete lack of organization, and that makes me a terrible worker!
Anyway though, The Meat and I finally left at 6:45 - we talked for a very long time. I first took the train to an art store and got the portfolio, then I took the train to near my old place and went first to a little clothing store and got some cheap tank tops and t-shirts, then I browsed in a couple little stores, and then I got a mystic tan, then waited forever for the bus to come and finally got home at little after 9 p.m. Then I looked through older pictures for a long time and ordered some other prints. And then I finally got off my ass and I painted my one wall red (actually it's called Tender Rose so it's red but with a slight pinkish tint - very cool!). But now I see why you need more than one coat of paint when painting a wall a dark color. And I ran out of paint before I could finish the second coat. It looks fabulous though!!!
Okay so now, I'll finish here and then quickly finish getting ready. Then I'm off to pick up my pictures and then to Home Depot for more Tender Rose paint, more roller covers, another paint pan, and paint for my bedroom which I still need to choose here - I'm going to run in and hold up swatches and make a decision and that will be the color of my room for now! And then I'll be painting for the rest of the day! And also cleaning and straightening up so Florida and Asparagus can see my place tomorrow!
Oh and I am really happy right now because I'm wearing a new shirt that is so sexy and it looks good! I'm so so so happy since I stopped drinking and lost weight! Not that I'm completely perfect, but I love not having to hide or look like a whale anymore! :)
Okay - I will post some pictures later! Oh - and I'm not going to proofread this because I need to get going, so please excuse spelling, grammar or other mistakes - I usually love being a fastidious editor so this is a big deal for me to post without checking it over!
Gratitude Tuesday - the E's!
I'm a little late with posting my Gratitude Tuesday post today. Last night I started working on it and fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at I think 1 a.m. and moved to my bed, I was sooooooooo sleepy! And today at work I worked on it a little but didn't have a chance to do too much. But at least it's up now!
It's kind of hot here right now (but I know not anything like the West Coast). I haven't turned the AC on yet but I think I'm going to for a little while. And I'm getting really sleepy again and it's only 9:30. I'm torn between 1) being really lazy for half an hour and then going to bed and 2) making some coffee, turning the AC on, moving some furniture and taping my walls and painting at least one of them. I'm really really torn about it. But I'm kind of leaning towards #2. After all, it IS only 9:30 so I have time, and I would be so happy if I got one wall painted. Plus, my mom annoyingly told me the other day that the smell of paint makes her sick and she can't stand it, and I know she can be such a whiner and also has the nose of a fricking bloodhound - and my parents are coming for a visit on August 4th, which is a week from Friday. So I need to do all my painting by the end of the weekend I figure.
Yesterday something happened that was initially so exciting. But then afterward something happened and I felt kind of bothered both last night and for awhile this morning. It's changed something just a little and I don't like it. I want to bring it back to normal, which I think will happen with no problem but I want it to be now. I know this is a little cryptic - I don't want to say too much but I do want to note it.
Hmmm, that's all for now. I forgot to tell about my new-found family relation, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow because now, it's time for Gratitude Tuesday and all the many things that begin with an 'E' that I'm so grateful for!!!! :)
Eating - this is kind of a big thing to be grateful for! I'm so happy that I can eat and swallow and taste all the wonderful things that are out there! When I think of some people who have had surgery go wrong or had a disease and can't actually eat, the thought is just awful.
Eyes - sight is my favorite sense, and I absolutely fucking adore seeing the world, seeing colors, seeing people, seeing trees and the sky and sunsets and clouds and faces and eyes and smiles and animals, and seeing where to go and what to buy at the grocery store and what clothes to put on, and seeing myself in the mirror and seeing my family and seeing my friends. I don't know what I would do without my eyes, and I'm so grateful that mine work so well.
Ears - again an easy thing - I'm so happy to have ears so that I can hear all the wonderful music out there, and sounds of birds chirping and of ocean waves crashing, and friends talking and children singing, and my babies mewing. And also, it would be much more difficult to communicate if I didn't have ears to hear with.
Emma - my sweet baby girl kitten (even though she's 3 years old she's still a kitten to me, as is her little brother James), she has brought so much light into my life! She is pure sweetness and silliness and even if I wake her in the middle of a deep sleep, she will be ready and eager for love and start purring. She has the most expressive little face which I just adore and I think is about the cutest face ever! She always makes me laugh with her silliness, too - when I come home she gets this excited little look on her face and then goes buzzing over to her scratcher and scratches in her little excitement! And whenever I stand up from anywhere, she goes running ahead of me and then crouches down low to the carpet right in front of me so I can scratch her little back, and when I start doing that she raises her little butt in the air because she loves the scratch so much! So silly and cute!!! I call her "my princess Emma" and "my little cuddlebug" and "my sweetest cutest baby cuddle Emma girl" - all the sweet little words get jumbled around but she knows I'm talking about her! Oh and when I feed them, James has his little habits which I'll get into when J gets here, but he goes right for the food while little Emma mews up at me and waits for me to pick her up and set her right by the food (even though she's standing two feet from it), it's our little routine and she is just so incredibly cute and so incredibly sweet and so so so so so perfect, and I could just go on and on with little examples of her cuteness and silliness and sweetness, but I'll stop now - but in short, I am so so so so so so so so so so grateful to have little Emma in my life!
Earning - I'm grateful to be able to earn money to survive and be comfortable, and grateful that even though I should get a new job and should make more money, I'm still happy with what I do make.
Earth - I'm very grateful for this planet we live on and for all the many natural resources that it provides, and for the nutrients that it lets us grow, and the beauty that it provides. I'm extremely grateful for all this!
Easygoing - I'm very grateful for what I see as my easygoing and wonderful nature! :)
Ecstasy - from the dictionary: 1) intense joy or delight; 2) a state of emotion so intense that one is carried beyond thought and self-control. How cool is that definition?! How could I not be grateful for something so fabulous!!!
Editing - now this seems like a silly thing, but I seriously love editing! I love editing my own things and I love editing other people's writing - it lets me be anal and look for mistakes and correct them to make something perfect!
Education - I'm extremely grateful that I had the opportunity and ability to get a wonderful education. I'm grateful for my tiny K-8 school that taught me so much, and I'm grateful for my high school education even though socially high school was pretty hard, and I'm so grateful for my wonderful college education - both the classes that taught me such cool things and also the kind of social education where I learned to be more of an adult but without really having to yet be one. And I'm very grateful also for my law school education, even though I really don't have much interest at all in law. I'm also grateful for the bigger idea of education, because I love learning and I think we can all become better people and hopefully see the bigger picture and improve the world when we understand and know more. But then again, maybe not always - many leaders of great nations today had fabulous educations but still do terrible things - that's another discussion though.
Eggs - I love breakfast on the weekends and even though I'm currently on a sweet breakfast kick of french toast or pancakes, I more often prefer yummy eggs!!! My favorites are frittatas or scrambled eggs with spinach and goat cheese or feta and maybe bacon, tomatos or peppers - oh yummmmmy!!!
Ego - from the dictionary: "the self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves;...appropriate pride in oneself: self-esteem." I'm grateful that we are each distinct beings, I'm grateful that I am myself, and I'm grateful also for my self-esteem.
Elbows - the world wouldn't be as comfortable or nearly as easy if I couldn't use or bend my elbows, so I'm very grateful that I have full use of them! (And before I wrote this one out, I of course tried moving my arms around without bending my elbows, I'm such a dork!)
Electricity - oh how completely different the world was before electricity! And how happy I am that we have it now! Seriously, think about it: no lights, no alarm clocks, no real refrigerators, no coffeemakers, no televisions, no stereos, no computers, no printers, no iPods, no oh so many things!
Elephants - I don't know a ton about elephants, but I know that there's something so sweet and very fascinating about them. And they have incredible memories for how to get to far away places even decades after they last visited those areas. And they have such sweet big eyes and those long eyelashes. I'd like to ride an elephant one day, just so I can experience it once.
Elevators - I'm grateful for elevators because we can have tall, tall buildings now and fun gorgeous downtowns filled with such tall buildings.
Email - oh my gosh, seriously how did we live before email!!? I love email!
Emotions - this is one of the things I'm most grateful for in the whole world. I love emotions, I love the ups and even the downs because they make the ups so much better. I love being emotional and I love feeling so many different things every day. I honestly have real issues with the idea of heaven as it's usually portrayed, because I don't want to just be happy and joyful every single moment - how boring would that be! Instead I absolutely adore the emotional rollercoaster of this world, and that's one of the many reasons that I don't want to die until I'm a very old lady. Please, God, let me live a very long life!!!
Enchantment - isn't this a great word!? I haven't used or heard the words "enchant" or "enchanting" or "enchantment" in so long. But they are fabulous words! Just seeing them written here makes me instantly happy! From the dictionary: "charming, delightful; bewitching, fascinating;...something that charms or delights greatly; great delight or pleasure." I'm going to start using these words much more often as of this moment - it will be just enchanting! :)
Encouragement - I'm so grateful for the encouragement that my friends and family are always willing to give, and often give me even when I don't want it or don't think I deserve it.
Encyclopedias - I love that I can learn more about just about anything in this whole entire world, and thanks to the internet, I can now do it right from my computer!
Ends - I'm grateful that sometimes things end. It sounds a little odd, but I'm glad that everything doesn't just go on forever.
Energy - I have my issues with energy because I don't often have a ton of it, but I'm so grateful for the little I do have, and I'm so extremely grateful when I get my semi-rare bursts of energy!
Engines and Engineers - engines make cars, planes, boats and other such things run, and engineers design engines as well as so many millions of other complex and complicated things in this world. For all that, I'm so grateful.
English - English is the only language that I know either fluently or proficiently, even though I'll add that I'm completely jealous of everyone in Europe since they all know at least two languages and very often more than that. But because I just speak English, I'm very grateful for it and for the wonderful ability it gives me to express myself.
Engorge - I just love this word! It's such a suggestive word and also so funny!
Enough - I have a wonderful life. Not to say that it couldn't get even better, and it definitely will get better. But right now, everything I have is just fabulous, and at this moment, it's enough. And I'm grateful to NetworkChic for writing about this concept of 'enough' sometime recently, because it really got me thinking.
Entertainment - I'm grateful for being able to find entertainment in so many things, large and small.
Enticement - "to attract by offering hope of reward or pleasure; tempt; allure." I like this word and I like the definition of it.
Europe - I love love love Europe! I love England and it's history and it's accents and all that it gave to America in terms of language and culture. I love France because Paris is simply amazing, and I love French food, and I love the French language. I love Germany because my dad's side came entirely from Germany throughout the 1800's, and The German obviously comes from Germany, and a lot of the English language as well as American culture is also indirectly influenced by the German language and culture. I love Spain because I first went topless there, and because when I think of Spain, I think of Hemingway hanging out there in a cafe drinking coffee and meeting interesting people and it makes me want to be there. And then there's Italy - with the intensely magical Venice, the Isle of Capri, the vineyards, the old terra cotta buildings, the everything perfect and quaint and gorgeous, the amazing food, and then there are those amazingly sexy and dark Italian men with their Italian accents, mmmmm! Oh and there's Scotland, Portugal, Belgium, Holland, Ireland, the Scandinavian countries, and all of Eastern Europe that I need to explore more!
Equality - it wasn't so many years ago when women in America had nowhere near the equality that we have today. When I hear my mom talk about working in the early 1970's I'm absolutely shocked by what it was like. I'm so grateful to have been raised in a time when I know I am equal to any man, and in general, American society reflects that knowledge. Not to say that it's like that throughout the world, and in fact in many countries I feel as if it's the dark ages with regard to equality for women. I'm still so grateful though to live where I do and in this age.
Erections - I tend to like these things!
Erogenous zones - our bodies are amazing, and I'm so grateful that along with working so incredibly, they can also give us such enjoyable and intense pleasure!
Eroticism and Erotica - I love my porn, and I love reading erotic stories, and I'm so grateful that I can find anything and everything that I could possibly want and more.
Escape - "a temporary mental release from reality" - I have to admit that I like my little escapes, and I can find escape in almost anything.
Ethics - I'm grateful that there are established rules and norms for the right way to be and do things. I like that, it makes the world much more organized and easy to follow.
Euchre - I don't get to play this card game nearly enough, but it's so fucking fun! I have been known to get the cards out, split up the euchre cards, and just deal the four hands over and over and play them all by myself. :)
Exclamation points - I! Fucking! Love! Exclamation! Points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you tell?!!! I use them all the time!!!! To show my happiness! To show my extreme sadness! To show shock! To show how important something is to me! Or just to really make a point! I'm fucking addicted to them - when I end a sentence with a boring period it just doesn't seem like I fully made my point or expressed exactly what I'm feeling! So hooray to whoever created the wonderful, fabulous, enchanting exclamation point!!!!!!
Exotic - I love anything foreign, it just excites me so!
Experiencing - I love experiencing new things, experiencing everything!
Expressions and expressing - smiles, frowns, anger, excitement, surprise, sadness, happiness, love - I'm so grateful that we can express so much through our faces, and also grateful to have so many emotions to be able to express.
Eyeshadow and eyeliner - I love makeup! I consider myself an artist just because of how I can use makeup on myself. And I love playing up my eyes because I love their cool light green color, and eyeshadow and eyeliner are two of my tools!!! :)
Musical Monday, Weekend Recap and Many, Many Pictures!
For Musical Monday today, I've chosen a song from an album that will always have such wonderful meaning to me. The song is Trigger Hippie by Morcheeba, from the album Who Can You Trust.
I've spoken before about my study abroad in Europe during the summer of 1999, and how incredible and life-changing and important and amazing and just so so so so so so (lack words to adequately describe) it was for me. For me, this entire album by Morcheeba brings back every feeling I had from that trip. Near the end of the trip, an Austrian guy wrote down a bunch of bands or singers to buy for a couple of us girls. One was Morcheeba. When I got to Paris, I ran across a music store and went looking for some of the recommended music. I don't remember if this album was the only one by Morcheeba but it was the one I bought and I didn't listen to it until I got back to Chicago, and then I couldn't stop listening to it.
For me, this album is so erotic and so sensual sounding, and it makes me want to writhe around and dance like a snake and fuck like an animal. The entire album is absolutely perfect and absolutely amazing. I've had the hardest time picking just one song from it. So I'm going to pick a second one just to make me feel better! So the second one is Never An Easy Way.
A few days after I came back from Europe, I had to go to a meeting of sorts at my law school and afterward, a guy who was model gorgeous and who I'd hooked up with once before my trip gave a friend and I a ride home. He dropped her off first and when he got to my place he begged to come up and use the bathroom since he was driving all the way back to his parents' house in the burbs afterward. At first I didn't want to let him up because my place was so messy, but I did. While he was using the bathroom, I put this album on. When he came out, he asked what it was and commented on how sensual it was. We were standing in the kitchen. We flirted for about a minute and I knew he wanted to fuck me and he knew I was dying to be fucked.
This guy had the biggest cock - so long and so fat. I remember how amazed I had been the first time I saw it, and I was still amazed that second time. I don't remember how we got my pants off, but both my pants and underwear were very quickly discarded on the kitchen floor and my shirt was hiked up above my boobs. I don't think I was wearing a bra. He took his t-shirt off and I remember running my hands up and down his chest. He lifted me up on the counter, we kissed, he reached down and felt how wet I already was, and I reached down and grabbed his cock. And then I remember very well how he grabbed my hips and pulled me halfway off the counter and how I guided his cock right to me, and he fucked me fantastically good right there on the counter. I half held onto the cabinets, and he held onto my ass. It was amazing. And it was all to this music.
Whenever I hear this album I remember vividly my feelings during that time directly after Europe, and I also get very horny, in that make-me-dance-for-you, slam-me-up-against-a-wall, fuck-me-on-a-counter kind of way. [Deep, deep sigh]: Ahhhhhh.......
Weekend Recap and Many Pictures (written Sunday night)
I had a kind of busy weekend! I tried to post last night and I managed to upload a bunch of pictures before falling asleep on my couch. Luckily I didn't stay there long and moved to my bed at 11:30 p.m., and this morning I slept until 11:00 when The Bold One called to wake me up so I could go see her new condo. Oh and on Friday night I stayed up until 3 a.m. because of course I get my best work done in the middle of the night, so I started doing my dishes at midnight and then continued to clean the rest of my apartment.
Okay so yesterday (Saturday), I went to The German's at around 10 a.m. and he made us breakfast and we cuddled for a bit, and I also got jealous when he got a call from first a long ago ex-girlfriend who he is still friends with (not like he is with me though, and to be fair, she's getting married very soon) and then from some chick who I know he sees occasionally as a friend but who I've never met or seen but she's a girl so of course I don't like it - and when he was talking to her he said that he was having breakfast the next morning with a third girl and a couple of her friends (and that third girl brought him back a stuffed pig from England a year ago so I of course also dislike her, even though again I've never met her or seen a picture).
With regard to the ex-girlfriend, I mocked the way he always talks to her on the phone, like she's this fragile little flower who will crack if he doesn't talk to her like a five-year-old. It's annoying as hell. He laughed while I did this, and didn't deny that he does talk to her like that. With regard to chick #2, I quizzed him to make sure I understood this relationship, and with regard to chick #3 I did the same, and he laughed at my jealousy and told me, "I am yours." And it came out later in the day that both of these two chickypoos are not pretty and are overweight, and I know it's extremely
petty of me, but it made me feel so much less threatened and so much better.
While still at his place though, and after I was being silly with my jealousy and he was laughing at my silliness, I burst into tears about it and he pulled me over to the bed and kissed me and held me and kissed me again. I know we have a bit of an odd relationship.
Anyway, after that we took a cab to the marina because we were running late - the sailing Race to Mackinac started at noon and thereafter and we wanted to see some boats, and I wanted to take pictures! I was really nervous about getting to his boat because when he was there the weekend before he said it was infested with spiders and as we all know, I fucking HATE spiders
. And when we got there my worst nightmare was coming true because they were everywhere
- at least mostly babies but some really huge ones as well, including one that was as big as the tip of my thumb
that The German swiped overboard - oh holy shit my heart is beating fast just thinking about it. I killed many many many by stepping on them and they had dark green guts - how gross is that! But there were so many more on the rolled up sail above our heads!
The German just got right to business and suddenly, before I knew it and before I felt that the spider situation was even close to adequately addressed, he had started the engine and unhooked us and we were motoring out. I got my camera out because of course I couldn't let the opportunity go by to take some great pictures, but my position was one of straight back, not leaning against the backboard because spiders were crawling all over, and I knew where every single visible spider was in the wrapped up sail as well as a few that weren't easily visible, so I was monitoring those spiders as well as constantly looking at the floor, the seat across from me, the board behind me, and everywhere else possible. It was terrible. I felt so vulnerable.
But anyway, I did manage to get some great shots that I just love!! I put my telephoto (or is it telefoto?) lens on and it was the first time I've really used it, and I'm so excited about it now! And when The German and I had motored for awhile but before we went out of the final breakwater, he said something about putting the sail up and I told him just how LITTLE fun I was having because of all the spiders that he hadn't helped me get rid of. Because he's who he is and a good guy, he felt really bad so decided we should try out the anchor for the first time and just watch the boats parade out into the open lake. I liked this plan.
But then he had to open a hatch in the top of a seat to find the anchor, and then got the rope out, and he put them on the floor as I watched spiders crawling on the bottom of the open hatch and some crawling on the floor that came off the rope and I kept my feet up and just tried to step on any that were out in the open - am I adequately describing the hell that this spider-infested boat was for me at the time?!
View of the skyline as we were going out.
Then he spent probably ten minutes in the front of the boat trying to untangle the rope and get it tied to the anchor and that whole time I was having to navigate around in a big circle while watching for the fucking spiders everywhere and when we finally got anchored, I told him nicely how pissed off I was that 1) he got me on this spider-infested boat and then didn't take the time to help me kill as many as possible so I could feel comfortable, and 2) that he wasn't prepared with the anchor rope and left me alone in the back to navigate while being surrounded with spiders - and I reminded him of the book Dragged Aboard that he gave me, and I'm actually reading it and it's actually very good, and in chapter 4 the author lists the Bill of Rights of the dragged-aboard passenger, and one of those rights is the right to expect the captain to be fully prepared and know what he's doing and to provide us with a safe and comfortable boat - and I told him that some of those rules had been terribly broken by him!! Ohh my heart is beating fast now.
Anyway though, he then felt bad and apologized about not having the rope untangled before, and for not making me feel comfortable with the spider situation. And he helped me kill some of the obvious spiders that I pointed out and then fashioned a little comfy area for us and held me reclined against him, and we watched the ships go by and I got to take a lot of pictures. And when he put up the sail later I sat in the front of the boat so that no spiders could drop on me, and he killed any and all that fell down.
And then we sailed! And any spiders that were left on the sail flew off and when I would every once in awhile see a small one crawling around I would kill the motherfucker. So he showed me tacking, and I did the tiller and he did the jib or jenny or whatever it's properly called. And we had really good wind for awhile! And it was fun! Then awhile later we got a good wind going outside the breakwater so headed straight out but then we had a brief lapse in the wind, and I decided to take some pictures, and then I started feeling a bit of something in my stomach.
The German went below to get me some of the anti-seasick pills and we ate some grapes and drank some water and I felt a little better at first but then not so much so we turned around, and then the wind died. So finally after sitting for a bit rocking in the water and my stomach rocking more with each minute, I suggested turning the motor on and he agreed and we started motoring in and then The German admitted that he was feeling a bit seasick as well, so I didn't feel as bad. We motored all the way in and near the end I navigated while The German packed up the sails so that we were ready to be picked up by the tender as soon as we got back. I was happy to get back on dry land!
And then we went back to The German's place for awhile and laid on the bed and looked at the pictures I took and ate some dinner. And then we went to Home Depot so he could get some bug spray (because he also has some wasp nests built inside his boat - yuck!). And then we parted ways. So it's no wonder that I was so tired last night! Sailing takes a lot out of me normally just because of the sun and the kind of always being on and bracing against waves and all that, but sailing with my constant worry about spiders was stressful as fuck!!!
Here are some of my pictures from the day, I love them!!!
Didn't this turn out so well!!! I didn't even have to crop this picture! I felt like a professional photographer when I saw this picture! I love my telefoto lens now!
View of the skyline from a little further out. Some of the many, many sailboats out in the lake getting ready for the race. When we looked back at this picture we counted 24 people on this boat! (But to be fair, I don't know if it was racing or not - still though, it's a lot of people!) Another racer heading out. We anchored right by the lighthouse.
This is a commercial tour sailboat that we always admire from afar because it looks so so so cool and pretty with all its sails!
A racer in action with both sails all the way up! (Regular lens)
Skyline from farther out, right before I got seasick. (Regular lens)
Okay, those are the fun pictures! I love how especially that second one turned out - the close-up of the sailboat and crew from behind! So so cool!
Today, as I said before, The Bold One called to wake me up at 11 and I managed to get down to her area at 2:00 p.m. - 1) because I'm slow in the morning and 2) because it took well over an hour to get there between the time that I left my place and arrived at the restaurant where she and another friend were having lunch. This is the first time that I've been to this area or anywhere around this area, I was so excited!!! It was the kind of Little Italy area of the city and around her new condo it was so cute and quaint and there were flowers and little gardens all over the place, it had such a nice little atmosphere. But then just a few blocks away there were some old Projects (and that's what she had me first walk through to meet them at the restaurant so I was wondering just what kind of area she had moved into!).
After lunch, The Bold One and I walked a ways towards where the open-air Sunday market is, which I guess use to be on Maxwell Street (which I have heard many stories about). We were late so the market was closing up and most of the people were busy packing their stuff up. We're going to go again next week and get there earlier so we can get the full experience. But even though we were late, we saw so many characters and every kind of thing was being sold, from old used tools to old vacuums to new shampoos and drug-store items to tons of men's shoes, to tires. It was really cool!
And after that we walked further and went to Target - and I just LOVE going to Target! They have some of EVERYTHING!!! We spent at least an hour there looking at everything. I ended up getting two pair of yoga pants (my favorite and I live in them at home), a little t-shirt, a very cool clock, a basket for my living room that perfectly matches the color of the paint in my dining room (to put magazines and stuff in so my coffee table is less cluttered), and some silver block letters that spell "Love" (and I don't care if some people think that's cheesy, I love my power words!), and The Bold One bought some shirts and a flashlight.
And do you know what Target had that I was just fascinated with? They had special escalators for the shopping carts!! I'd never seen those before even though The Bold One said they're in Europe and at some other stores here. I loved them! We didn't have a cart when we went upstairs so I didn't get to try it out but I loved it!!!
Okay, I'm getting really sleepy now. But first, here are two pictures from today:
A beautiful flower near The Bold One's house.
This is the front door on a place in The Bold One's neighborhood, how cool and amazing is it - it's solid carved wood, even the door handle!
Okay, time for bed!
This morning while I was walking to the train I stopped to take pictures of the many flowers growing in front of houses and in little gardens. I look at them every morning since I started walking through the residential streets to get to the train, as opposed to walking on the busier main streets where flowers aren't blooming all around.
Last night I had a little flash of inspiration. A few weeks ago I bought all these fabulous large frames from Pottery Barn that hold 8x10 photos and I've been trying to figure out exactly which pictures to put in them, and how to bring it all together. Two of the pictures I've made into 8x10s already are of flowers. And I have a third 8x10 flower picture that I just love which usually is framed in my bathroom in the middle of all my quotes - but I need the extra frame anyway for a new sheet with quotes on it, so I'll just move that one to a PB frame. And I haven't yet laid the frames out or held them up, but I'm thinking of going high to take advantage of my high ceilings, and putting nine pictures over my couch in three rows of three. That's the plan! And because I have three perfect flower pictures already, I decided to go with the flower theme. And I want color in this room, so that will just add more! And there are always flowers to take photos of, so I can easily change out different photos throughout the year! A genius idea!!! :)
So I started taking flower pictures today, and I loved doing it because all the flowers are just so pretty! And I also just adore taking cool photos with a very small depth of field, and that's perfect for flower photos. So I'm posting a number of fun flower pictures from my first outing, so I can share the colors and share the detail of the flowers, and of course also because flowers are sweet and make me happy!!! :)
And I'm also posting them because I'm tired again tonight and don't feel like writing too much. But today was a very good day and I was so happy to have The Meat back at work, and I loved hearing him talk about his trip and his sons, and he was light and happy and that made me so happy to see!
Oh and this morning my mom let me know of something she found last night in her geneology research and it was quite shocking and also very disturbing to me, although my parents were gleeful over me being disturbed by it and everyone at work agreed that it was quite funny - but I'm going to wait until at least tomorrow to write about it because my mom is doing more research tonight and I want to be able to fully explain the relationship and whatnot.
Okay, enjoy the pretty flowers!!! [I'm trying to adjust the code for the pictures so each one can be blown up to its full size and in the process of doing this some of my captions have turned blue and been underlined as if there's a link there - I don't know why it's doing this but I'm not a code expert so I'm just leaving it - but so there aren't any links there. And it keeps telling me that a tag isn't closed and motherfucker, I've looked at it fifty times now and it so IS closed!][Second note: Okay well I made all the code for each picture look the same (except of course for the image name) but only two pictures will blow up to their original size. I don't know why the fuck certain pictures will do this and others won't. And it pisses me off just a bit! But I accept it and won't worry anymore now, It Is What It Is! :) ]
I just LOVE how the top background of this picture looks almost painted - so cool!
Breakfast for the bee The coolest bright red-pink flower, and I love its contrast to the blurry background.
The little individual flowers are always so perfect on these flowers/plants, and I just love the blue color since we hardly ever see blue flowers!
This is the flower's morning stretch before opening for the sunshine! :) (And again the super-cool painted-like background!) I thought of CeeCi when I took pictures of these flowers!
Christmas colors in summer I love the pristine brand new baby petals that are opening, they look so soft and silky and so perfect.
An angel drawn on a rock - I love the detail of the face. I hope it's not too hard to see - I didn't spend very long on it, but tried to boost the contrast so it showed up a little better.
I could think of plenty of things to write about, but I'm just kind of tired and feeling like not doing too much right now. And it's also starting to get really hot in my apartment. Today the weather was perfect but tomorrow it's going to be hellishly hot again and I think the heat is starting to rise already. But so anyway, I'm off to bed to cuddle with my sweet babies!
Oh - a very good thing about tomorrow: The Meat is coming back after being on vacation for the past week and a half. Work just hasn't had the same excitement and sparkle that it does when he's there, so I'm really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow and hearing all about his trip and what else he's been up to! His friendship means so much to me, and I missed him. :( So tomorrow will be a good day!
Gratitude Tuesday - the D's
It's Gratitude Tuesday and time for the mighty D's! Although I think at this moment I am most thankful for Air Conditioning because the heat is just unbearable! I even walk to the back of my apartment, the kitchen and dining room, and it's unbearable back there because I only have the one AC unit in the living room. And little James and Emmalove won't come and sleep or hang out in the living room with me - for some reason they stay in the terrible heat. It makes me feel bad because they're hot, but I also miss them and it feels lonely when I'm sitting in the living room for most of the night without them here.
I haven't painted anymore yet because it's just too hot. I'm actually feeling quite pissy with myself right now because I've just been useless for the past two days. I want to do my dishes but it's too hot back there. I want to paint but I'm just worn out and it's still not cold enough in my place. I want to get my guitar out and start relearning - I promised myself that I would start last week. Tomorrow night I will get it out right when I get home and after I feed the babies. I'll just strum a little for fun and play a few chords a few times. I'll take it very easy and not pressure myself so I won't get discouraged. I also want to vacuum. And I want to straighten up my living room. All these things! And I do none of them! I hate when I see all the little things that I'm not doing, I hate knowing I could and should be doing more.
Hmmm. But I'm reminded again of my Tao of Pooh book, and I'm going to be okay with it, and just go with it. Tomorrow is another day and everything will still be here to do, and there's no need for me to be stressing about it because it doesn't help anything. It's amazing, that little Pooh book. It's really helped me gain some perspective, and when I think of it I immediately feel both my body and my mind relax. I see so much truth and wisdom in the message of the book, but at the same time I don't understand it all. But it's okay, and I just enjoy the relaxed and peaceful feelings that I get whenever I think of it and what it has helped me to realize.
Whew! I feel that I'm fighting a cold because I had a slight sore throat this morning and then at the end of work I again had a sore throat, and watery eyes, and wasn't feeling right. So I got off the train early and walked to a grocery store and got some stuff, including orange juice, and then lugged it all a few blocks to a bus and then lugged it off the bus and to my place. I admit that I was feeling just a wee bit sorry for myself. I had a large glass of orange juice and it was so tasty but then I got heartburn so had to suck down some Tums. And I think I'm still having some acid reflux (my prescription for Nexium ran out and I never got it refilled, because I don't want to take the meds if I don't have to, and I'm generally doing okay now). Anyway though, I'll drink a bunch more tomorrow morning, and I'm going to sleep immediately after posting this.
Well now, it's time for my list of so many things that I'm grateful for that begin with the letter D. First though, I just need to note that there are a shitload of depressing and sad and bad and negative D words. When looking through all the D words in the dictionary I had to fight against getting depressed. So while I'm grateful for all these things, I'm also grateful for not having to look through all the D words anymore. :)
Today, I'm grateful for:
Dogs - I don't have a dog right now, but I love and adore dogs just like I adore cats. And I'm so grateful that I was able to spend 11 wonderful years with my little doggy soulmate, Muffin, my sweet English Cocker Spaniel. She was the sweetest and most loving baby, and was my sister, my friend, and my pet all in one. And I'll never forget her sweet little butt wiggle when she was so excited to see me, or how much she loved to sit in my lap. We had a very special connection.
Each Day - I'm grateful for every day that I wake up, and knowing deep inside that on that day, anything is possible. Each day is a brand new start, and brings the opportunity for me to make something wonderful happen!
Dad - I love my Dad. He's not perfect but he's wonderful at the same time, and he's taught me by example both how I want to be and how I don't want to be. And let me tell you, when he gives me that look sometimes, that one with the soft eyes filled with the love and the certain look on his face, it melts my heart like nothing else can. I am so blessed to have him in my life and as my father.
Dancing - I don't dance very often, not nearly often enough, but I'm grateful for the ability to dance, to move any which way, and to feel that sense of abandon and freedom.
Danger - I joke about how I want a little danger in a guy, and I do want a little bit of a bad side, that's true. But also, the fact that there is danger out there makes feeling safe and secure all the more wonderful.
Databases - because my computer is in danger of crashing again, I have realized how grateful I am for the databases that the computer holds - or maybe I'm not using that correctly, maybe the computer actually IS the database. But regardless, you get my drift. I'm grateful for the ability to storea massive amount of documents, music and pictures on various databases so we can hopefully keep them forever.
Debauchery - from the dictionary: "extreme indulgence of one's appetites, esp. for sensual pleasure..." I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to indulge in any way I please.
Debit cards - what a fabulous little invention!
Decisions - I'm so grateful that I have the ability to make so many of my own decisions.
Decorations and Decorating - I love looking at home decorating magazines and catalogs like Pottery Barn. I love looking at paint color swatches. I love looking at all kinds of cool pictures, mirrors, rugs, furniture, and all kinds of cute and cool little things to make a place a home and also look fabulous at the same time. So fun! And they give me little ideas for my own decorating, which is nothing even close to what they do in the magazines but it helps me put together a home that I love.
Democracy - I don't know if it's the perfect system, but it has a lot of benefits and has contributed to the freedoms and liberty that we each have. I'm grateful for that.
Dentists - I haven't been to one in two years which is very bad of me and pure procrastination in finding one since my last dentist's office kept cancelling and rescheduling until I finally said fuck them. But I'm so grateful for dentists in keeping our teeth healthy and beautiful, and also grateful for orthodontists (in case I forget when O comes up) for giving me a straight and beautiful smile!
Depression - it seems very strange for me to say that I'm grateful for depression, but I am. It's a part of me and has contributed in many ways to who I am today. And because I like myself today, and I know having depression has helped me grow and be very accepting of others, I'm grateful for it's affect on my life in terms of that growth, compassion and understanding that it has given me. And I'm also grateful that I can help in some small way to reduce the stigma that has often been associated with depression and other such mental illnesses, because I am very open about having suffered it and currently being on antidepressants. I hope that by some people hearing that, and seeing that I'm a normal and wonderful person, they will be much more open-minded regarding the illness that so many people will have at some point in their lives.
Desserts - who doesn't like desserts?! I'm so grateful that there's something extra to look forward to after a good meal!
Desire - from my sidebar, a partial quote from Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho, "desire is an entirely free sensation, loose in the air, vibrating, filling life with the will to have something..." I find all the books by Coelho that I've read to be fascinating, but this book was amazing in so many ways. I need to read it again. "The will to have something...," I love that, so beautiful.
Determination - this can be a very powerful thing. To determine to do or not do something, sometimes it takes a lot of determination to follow through, but I've shown myself that I have a lot of determination when I really set my mind to something.
Diamonds - I'm a girl, aren't I? I'm not much of a jewelry person at all, but I do want a big diamond on my finger someday! :) And my justification of the word "big": because I won't want necklaces, earrings, bracelettes, rings, and all that other expensive crap that many women expect year after year, I decided that we can add the value of all those potential gifts and bring it back to present-day value, and then the 2-carat-or-so diamond that I'll want won't seem like such a big purchase!!! :)
Dictionaries - I'm so grateful to have the ability to look up words, to find a definition of any word. And I'm so grateful that it's online now, too!
Differences - there are so many differences all over the world, on so many levels, and I love learning about those differences. It makes the world such an interesting place, and it makes every person interesting as well.
Digestion - another not-so-simple thing that we all take for granted. I'm grateful that I can eat food and my body can take all the good things out of it and get rid of the rest. And I'm grateful that I'm not like a cow and have to throw up what I ate and eat it again - sorry for the gross image there, but it's what entered my mind when I thought of digestion!
Dignity - one of the definitions from the dictionary: "poise and self-respect." Another: "the quality of being worthy of esteem or honor; worthiness." This is a bit of a complicated one for me. I'm grateful that today I feel I am worthy, I feel I'm deserving, I have self-respect and I think it's for good reasons. Another part of me doesn't like the word or idea because it reminds me of my mom telling me many times during my middle school and especially high school years that if I had sex or did anything sexual with a guy, the guy would tell everyone and no one would respect me, and she was implicitly telling me that I wouldn't be worthy of respect or self-respect if I "gave it up." It brings up all kinds of questions and issues, and worries about how I'll address this whole issue with my future daughter someday. But I'm also grateful that I've gotten beyond all that negativity regarding sex!
Dill Pickles - they're yummy! And taste soooooo good on a hot dog!
Disappointments, Disagreements, Disapproval - these are some of the many negative D words, but without these and other similar things, the good things - the satisfactions, excitements, agreements, approvals, and rewards - wouldn't mean nearly as much.
Discoveries - I'm grateful to be able to make little discoveries almost every day, and for being aware enough to recognize many of them.
Disinfectant - how did people use to clean their kitchens and bathrooms? Or maybe they didn't, which is one reason that so many people use to die so young.
Divorce - this is another one that sounds odd, to be writing that I'm grateful for divorce. I haven't been married yet, but I feel good knowing that nothing has to be forever no matter what. I'm grateful that the option is out there just in case, and grateful that it's not the unspeakable thing that it was fifty years ago.
Dawn Wash & Toss - these little things absolutely kick ass now that I have to wash all my own dishes without the help of a dishwasher. I love all the little wash & toss things of today - the lysol wipes, the swiffer duster things, the little disposable dust clothes, disposable mirror wipes - it makes it all so easy and especially means I don't have to keep gross sponges and rags sitting around.
Donors - I'm grateful for people who donate their time, their money, their possessions, and finally their bodies, all to help others. They set a wonderful example for me to learn from.
Dreaming, Dreams, Daydreams - this one can be a little hard to describe as well. I find dreams fascinating, and the fact that our brains do whatever it is they're doing when we aren't consciously trying to do it. I also love little daydreams, especially the naughty ones! And finally, I'm grateful for dreams, as in hopes for the future, plans, wishes. Two quotes: "It is difficult to say what is impossible for us. The dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow." - Robert Goddard; "Always keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go and, sheltered so, may thrive and grow." - Louise Priscoll. I fully agree with each of these, especially the first one.
Drinking - another thing we take for granted - I'm very grateful for the ability to drink, and to have that satisfaction of taking a big drink when I'm thirsty.
Driving - I don't currently have a car, but I'm grateful that I know how to drive and that I have my driver's license so I'm able to drive if the need arises.
Drugs - the good kind, of course. I'm so grateful for all the various medicines and other such drugs out there that make our lives easier and more comfortable.
Dusk and Dawn - I love the colors of dusk and dawn, and the difference in sound, smell and feel during these times of the day. I especially love the color of the sky as dusk is approaching - it turns the most amazing deep blue, then midnight blue, and on and on. It takes my breath away every time I see it.
Okay, that's it! I really need to go to sleep now. Tomorrow I'll get my guitar out when I get home. And if I don't need extra rest (because I'll listen to my body and the rhythm of things) then I'll tape the rest of my living room and get some painting done. One more quote from the new little quote book I got: "Right now is a good time." - Tote Yamada
Musical Monday, smooshing bugs and weekend update
Ewww, I just killed a little beetle. And I feel so bad because I really smooshed it (under a thin plastic bag) and literally felt it's outer skeleton crack beneath my fingers. And then I lifted the bag up quickly after I felt that and I saw the little thing still moving so I just grabbed it in the bag and threw it in the trash can. Ewwwww, both at the gross feeling and sound of it cracking and also because I so brutally killed it. I feel almost like something bad is going to happen to me now.
Musical Monday this week is Crazy Love by Van Morrison and Bob Dylan - no real reason other than that I love the song, it makes me happy, I love the guitar in it, and I love their so cool and distinctive voices. Mostly, it just makes me happy to hear! I have the lyrics at the end of the post. And I've played with the colors of my little music player but I'm frustrated because even though audioblog always shows ALL the colors I've chosen, including a background color for the whole player (the part that still shows as gray now), and in the html language of blogger that color choice appears by letters and numbers, still the background color I've chosen never shows up - not today and not any other time either! What's up with that?
I painted half of my living room!!! Yay me!!! I did that on Saturday night while also trying to copy all my pictures and music from when I when I last backed it all up onto CDs. So far I've thankfully copied all my pictures and part of my music. And the reason that I'm suddenly trying to back everything up? Because I got the evil SMART Imminent Failure Warning again. Sometimes I fucking hate hate hate this computer.
Oh and even worse - I hadn't updated my iPod in at least a year because the first time I had to completely start the computer over from scratch I of course lost everything that was nicely organized into iTunes. And I've been slowly working on getting it all organized again and making some of my little playlists and adding stuff into it and all that so that I can happily update the iPod. All Friday night I worked on organizing the music and right before I went to bed I was satisfied and plugged the iPod into the computer and it gave me some Terrible Icon on the screen of the iPod with a nice battery picture and little triangle with an exclamation point in it. I tried it three times and the same thing happened each time, and as soon as the icon came on, I could also hear the iPod stop running it's wheels, so to speak. So motherfucker - I think the fucking battery in the iPod needs to be replaced now! And if my computer fucking dies again and needs to be started from scratch - oooooh well I will just be very frustrated for a time with BOTH stupid machines!!! But then I'll remember that it's all good, and It Is What It Is, and in the big scheme of things this isn't even a blurp - after repeating that in my head, I'm physically much more relaxed now and I actually felt my heart slow back down - I LOVE what power perspective can give me!
Well so anyway, first of all I have to report that I didn't go to work on Friday because I was in the most serious sleep funk that I've been in for awhile. I talked to my mom on Friday morning for about ten minutes but I think I momentarily fell asleep on her a few times, and she kept asking me if I was okay because she said I'd never sounded so sleepy and out of it before when she's called in the morning. She even asked me if I'd started drinking again (no, not since November 9). I went to sleep again after we got off the phone. When The German called an hour later he wouldn't let me off the phone until he heard me in the kitchen, running water and opening food for James and Emma. But then I was so tired that after I fed them I decided I'd nap for just a little longer and maybe go in at noon.
My boss called me around 11:00 and I remember waking up from the ringing and seeing it was him and half talking to him and telling him I just woke up and asking him if I could call him back because I couldn't form a coherent sentence. And then I next woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon when The German called because he hadn't seen me online. Then I went to bed on Friday night at 1:00 a.m. and slept until 10:00 a.m. on Saturday morning and at around noon my eyes were really tired while laying on the couch reading so I shut them and slept until 2:30. Ugh. A lot of sleep. But I don't feel at all like I slept too much. If anything, I'm really tired right now.
Well so after I woke from my nap I finally decided to do something. I'd showered in the morning so I went out and got the CDs to copy stuff onto and another paint brush and a level for hanging pictures and whatnot. And then I decided to paint! So I taped half of my living room and during the day had finally made a decision to use the yellow paint that I'd had in my kitchen at my last place - I still had about half a gallon left - and it's the most perfect sunny yellow ever! I love it! So I painted and it looks so wonderful and I'm so happy with the color and it instantly adds so much light and happiness and brilliance to the room.
Today The German came over and we ventured out in the terrible and oppressive heat to a different restaurant for breakfast. I was in weird mood for most of today and I knew it, I could just feel it. I was slightly irritated for no reason, and felt sometimes like I wanted to go to sleep, sometimes like I wanted to get out, sometimes like I had terrible cabin fever, and sometimes like I wanted to cry. I told him a few times what kind of weird unsettledness I was feeling, 1) because almost as soon as he walked in the door he asked me what was wrong and 2) because he's so good with me when I tell him how I'm feeling.
When we came back from breakfast I was a big ball of sweat and he tried to cuddle and I told him to back off until I cooled off, and I turned down the temperature on the air conditioner and turned it to full blast and even then it was probably an hour before my body temperature was back to normal. Anyway though, he brought the movie Master & Commander so we laid on the couch and watched that, which ended up being a perfect way to spend the afternoon.
After the movie I went to the grocery store with him and then we got on the train, with me getting off first to go to Home Depot and get more yellow paint and also a most wonderful shade of red with a slight deep pink look paint. Right before my stop I leaned in to kiss him and leaned in as well and we gave each other our normal nice kiss, and then he leaned back in and kissed me longer and then briefly grabbed my head and made it a much deeper kiss - it felt very nice! And he called me when he got home and while I was still at Home Depot, just to relate a silly little story to me. And the we also talked tonight for a bit, and he's going to call me much earlier tomorrow morning so I can get to work by 9:15 because I have no idea what's up tomorrow.
Well anyway, I purchased my yellow and red paint and some more painting tape but by the time I got home I was so hot and so tired from the heat, so instead I just laid on my couch with the heavenly AC cooling the room so perfectly (I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight), and the first Harry Potter movie was on so I watched that and then decided to start re-reading the sixth Harry Potter book and made it through the first two chapters before getting really sleepy. And then I played the James and Emma for a bit, and then got ready for bed, and now we're all up to date! :)
Tomorrow I'll hopefully finish painting my living room. And I also have the bathroom almost completely taped for painting. I get so HAPPY when I see my dining room blue and my two living room yellow walls, so I'll be just ecstatic and walking constantly all around my apartment once I have the whole thing painted! That's all for now, I need to sleep so I can wake up very early tomorrow and get to work way earlier than my usual lateness. Here are the lyrics for Crazy Love - so simple and so wonderful!Crazy LoveI can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles
And the heavens open every time she smiles
And when I come to her that's where I belong
Yet I'm running to her like a rivers song
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She's got a fine sense of humor when I'm feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief
Yes I need her in the daytime
Yes I need her in the night
Yes I want to throw my arms around her
Kiss her hug her kiss her hug her tight
And when I'm returning from so far away
She gives me some sweet lovin' brighten up my day
Yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole
Yes it makes me mellow down in to my soul
My Day and Pictures of the Newly Painted Dining Room!
I uploaded pictures of my newly painted dining room so it's happy picture time tonight so I can go to sleep!
I had the hardest time getting up this morning and soon after I woke and started getting ready another terrible headache set in so it took me quite awhile to really get going. Before I was mostly joking about my worry that I have a tumor in my brain, but with each passing headache I get more and more worried for real!
After work I went to my old neighborhood to get a mystic tan and stopped first in Borders (I almost made it past but decided to just pop in and browse through the home decorating magazines) where I ended up purchasing five of said home decorating/color/design magazines (there are so so so many good ones out now and I love getting new ideas!) and also a book that I had been meaning to read for awhile now. Then I stopped in PetSmart and got the babies some food and also a 20 lb. container of litter which before tonight they were almost completely out of.
The German called sometime in there and reported that there wasn't a lick of wind on the lake so wondered if he could come by tonight and hang some stuff that I needed help with and I said okay. So then I got my Mystic Tan and then lugged the heavy cat litter and my bags to the bus stop and waited for forever for the bus to come - and my feet were really hurting in their sexy little heels by that time, too.
The German got to my place just after I arrived and had picked up hot dogs for us on the way from a little place by the train - the hot dogs from this place are just about the best tasting hot dogs ever imaginable! I love them completely! After we ate he unpacked his container of drill bits and hung up two new little antique-y looking wall flower holders that I bought recently. And they look so pretty! I just need to get some pretty little fake flowers to put in them now! We also tried to hang up my new decorative mirror but found that same hard stuff behind the wall that a normal nail won't go through - I can't remember what it is behind there - it's plaster on the walls and I think it might be brick or some masonry or something behind.
Anyway though, I didn't have any more drill/screw things or whatever the hell they're called, but The German told me that there are special nails that will go through this masonry stuff so tomorrow night I'll stop at Sears and stock up on those kinds of nails and also some screws and other things
that go in the wall. And I will also ask The German to clarify what all these various things are called and what I need to ask for so I don't sound like such a girl when I actually go in there!
Before he left, The German gave me the library book Dragged Aboard that he had taken out - he read it over the past few days so he left it for me to read now. He said it's a very good book. I'll see, but I can't believe he read it so fast - it seems pretty long to me because it has such little type. And I imagine that the material will be quite dry and very possibly boring. I'll read a couple of the chapters that sound more interesting to me and see what I think.
Okay, here are progression pictures of my dining room:
A before shot - with the fun blue painting tape up and ready to go for me.
I finished my first wall - I swear it looks good now, the paint was just all wet there!
I was over half done here (oh and the wine bottle on the table, just in case anyone notices and wonders, was opened and consumed over a year ago - but I loved the bottle and all the red painted flowers on it so I kept it for decorative purposes.)
The next morning, it looks so so so nice!
I took the tape off tonight and it looks just fabulous!
My kitchen was pretty messy here but I can't do the dishes until tomorrow because of my mystic tan so I put in a non-flash picture to show the rest of my paint job :) Soon I'll show a better picture - when my kitchen is clean - and it will show the wonderful blue along with the little red accents all over the kitchen - they look good together! And tomorrow when I get my cool super-strong nails I'll be able to hang up all my pictures in the dining room so it will look even that much more like a complete home then!
I'm off to bed now. I hope the pictures were able to show it looking nice - it's a little hard to get good pictures when 1) having to use flash for most of them (which sometimes distorts color) and 2) trying to not show the clutter on the table and in the kitchen! :)
Painting my first room and Loving Myself
Here's another photo from my recently developed rolls of film pictures:
I'm tired. Last night I stayed up until about 2:30 a.m. so I didn't get much sleep. But I stayed up because I decided at 10:30 p.m. to paint my dining room and I painted the whole thing!!! It looks so cool, it's sort of a robin's egg blue, the official name being Rhythmic Blue. I did take pictures before, during and after but I don't know if I have the energy to go download the photos right now. Plus, the pictures will look much better when I've taken the blue painter tape off anyway and I haven't done that yet.
But so anyway though, now that I've started with the painting, and gotten a whole room painted by myself in not too long at all, I just want to make decisions regarding the rest of my walls and go get the paint! And I actually find myself really relaxed while I'm painting. I was playing my music and it's such an orderly procedure, and I get to make sure it's perfect and also see the change I'm making to the room, and I do a lot of thinking - not big thinking, just a lot of different things - it's nice. Very nice, and very relaxing. I was planning on taping my bathroom tonight because I'm painting it the same very very light green as was in my last bathroom and I have plenty of leftover paint from last year. So it's definitely the next room I'll paint and it won't take me long at all. But I think I'll wait until tomorrow so I can go to bed early tonight.
Yesterday I played hooky from work. I woke up when my mom called me in the morning but just barely, and managed to carry on a conversation with her and then reset my alarm as soon as I hung up. I woke up again when The German called and I fed the babies but was so sleepy still so decided that I would go in at noon so I could sleep for a couple more hours. And then when I finally woke up I just fucked around and really didn't want to do anything and just really really didn't want to get ready and go to work, and then I got a massive headache (and I've been getting headaches almost daily for the past two weeks when I normally hardly ever get them, and I've also noticed my eyes and particularly one eye really straining, especially when I'm outside and as a result, the paranoid part of me is worried that I have a brain tumor) so I didn't end up going to work at all.
But at 4:30 in the afternoon I decided that I had to do something productive since I was skipping work so I prettied myself up and went to World Market where I bought the cutest little tiny clock that I had eyed before and which was 50% off and also some wrapping paper on sale, then to Bed Bath & Beyond and bought a medium-sized oval mirror for my living room and used a 20% off coupon on that, and then I went to Home Depot and got the paint and one of those pre-packaged painter kits. I put the gallon of paint (which I have now discovered was WAY too much paint because I used probably only a third of the gallon last night) in my backpack and carried the rest of the stuff to the train. It's times like that when I actually wish that I had a car.
Oh, so part of my reason for telling about my playing hooky from work - after I got home from my little shopping trip and was cooling off on the couch, I for the first time went to DailyOM, recommended by CeeCi. And the first sentence from my horoscope there made my mouth drop open just a little: "You may feel a need to escape your usual routine today." Well shit, it was right on there! It's so interesting when horoscopes fit so perfectly sometimes.
From my seat reclining on the couch right now I'm looking down the hall and can see a little of my newly painted room, it looks just gorgeous! I just need to hang pictures now so it really feels complete and like home in there.
I'm at a complete loss for anything else to talk about. Oh - well I talked to MWFB last night for awhile and during the course of our conversation he was saying so many wonderful things about me and of course that made me feel wonderful!
[Here starts long conversation about self-confidence and loving myself - apparently I wasn't at a complete loss for anything to talk about! :) ]
But it was good for a slightly different reason than has been the case for most of my life up until now. Different because I didn't need him to say these things - I already know them now. For the first time in probably ever, I feel like I don't need to hear other people tell me that I'm wonderful. I know it - I know who I am, my flaws as well as my wonderful attributes. I know what I need to work on, and I know that I do work on things, and I know I'm so strong, and I know I'm very much the optimist, and I know so much more and also know that I'm still learning and growing and I'm happy with that - but so overall, I know who I am now, and I like me and love me and I think I'm pretty damn fabulous! :) And I love life and I'm so incredibly happy to be living life, and I really enjoy it. I love each day, even the hard ones. And I'm happy, really really happy! Happy just being me and breathing and seeing the blue sky and hearing music and talking to people and loving my friends and cuddling my kittens - I'm just happy with it all! I was thinking about this all a lot last night while painting and it was very interesting and a really wonderful realization.
I used to always need affirmation from outside sources in order to feel good about myself. And of course affirmation from someone would only last so long and then I'd be seeking out more affirmation, either from the same person or other people. My need for affirmation led me to do a lot of stupid things. So many situations flutter through my memory. I think I wanted to love myself and part of me thought I was great but the other part of me just didn't know and at times didn't believe it. It really sucks when you need other people to define who you are and give you confidence - it sucks because every other person out there has power then, and I had no power left for myself. It sucks because so much of my time and energy was spent in trying to define myself through others' eyes.
All of my college years and all of my law school years were spent doing this. And even after law school, and really up until about a year ago, probably more like eight months ago when I stopped drinking. But things have just been getting better and better since then. And I have to give some credit to The Meat as well, because back around the time that I stopped drinking he really stepped in as a friend and life mentor and so many of the lessons he taught me, as well as his belief in me and caring for me, especially since it came from him who I adore, respect, love and admire so completely, slowly showed me all I can do and all that I already am, and I started really being proud of myself and really loving who I am.
I'm not saying that I won't need boosts of confidence or affirmation now and then.
And I know I could possibly still be susceptible to falling backwards under certain circumstances, certain hormonal times, and also if I don't work on it. I feel almost like with regard to my self-confidence and loving myself, I'm standing on a bit of a precipice. So I know I'm not completely safe and I know I can still be fragile sometimes. But overall I feel like every day I'm loving myself more and more and what a completely amazing feeling that is! To not need someone to tell me that I'm pretty and a hot piece of ass :) , and tell me that I'm smart and strong and caring and wonderful and such a good person (well I'm currently having lack of confidence issues with regard to the smart thing so I still need affirmation and much more with regard to that - it's a whole other issue - but all the rest are all good!)
(Okay when I just wrote that last sentence I stopped and thought, "is that all that's good about me, that's it?! Maybe I'm not so great," - just an example of how I really do have to work on it and tell myself every day that I love who I am and list in my head a bunch of the great things that I love about myself and list reasons why I'm so strong and why I'm so proud of myself and how I'm improving daily - otherwise I might fall backwards. It's kind of hard work I guess. I'm still feeling my way through it all a bit.)
Well...that all kind of came out as a surprise! It's been on my mind but I didn't think it was ready to come out - but then I started writing and suddenly, twenty pages later here I am!! :)
Okay then, now it's time to get off towards bed! And before I go to sleep I'm going to again think of all the great things about me that make me love myself. It's still so new - these feelings of not necessarily needing to hear it from other people - that I'm kind of afraid of losing it so I want to work to hold onto it. I really really want to hold on to this feeling of loving myself - because it's really, really wonderful. I need to stay positive! And of course I'll never turn down affirmation from people who I love (okay I won't turn it down from anyone!), because it really does brighten my whole day to hear things like that!