Musical Monday! :) And oh I'm just so so so happy still!!!
I've had a mostly extremely lazy weekend but it doesn't bother me even the tiniest bit because I'm just so happy all around!!! And today my new guy who I'm now going to call Mr. Hands (see post below) sent me flowers!!! Long-stemmed roses and these long branches of I think eucalyptus which all smell so so so good and look just WONDERFUL!! And of course it makes me happy everytime I look at it! And everytime I smell it! And it makes me feel so wonderful!!! (And blogger is not complying with posting pictures tonight but so I'll post some hopefully tomorrow then.) And I am just so so so so so so so happy, both with excitement and also with so much more. Mr. Hands and I talked on the phone during the afternoon for over an hour and had a really good conversation about so many things. It made me so much look forward to talking to him more, learning more about him, communicating in many different ways, seeing him sometime soon and growing with him! I can't wait to see him again and kiss and touch and hug him so tightly! And we have decided together to try this out and see what happens because there's something really here between us, something wonderful, and despite the distance and such, we both have optimism and are together on this - and really, I love knowing this and knowing that we're both on the same page because I can really be myself then, and tell him how happy he makes me!!! It gives me a sense of freedom that I love, and even though I still worry about not being so good on the phone I think I'm doing better and I'll get better and better! I feel so content right now, and I'm smiling a lot even when I'm just sitting around!!! Smiling feels good, too! Tonight we talked again and I got to see him on his computer's camera! He's sooooooooo sexy and hot and cute and I just love love love being able to see him - it did so much to me! Tomorrow night I'll get out my little webcam that I don't think I've ever used and try to figure out how to make it work. And then just a little later we IMed for another long time and had ourselves quite the exciting talk for awhile, and shared a couple of sexual fantasies that we will now be acting out in the future!!! And we had just the best number of other little conversations and it's amazing, I've never talked so openly and honestly and just been so completely ME before so soon into a relationship. And we're both so alike on that, too - that we've both realized how important it is to really really communicate and about everything, from things we like and things the other does or says that makes us so happy, to where we're going and what we want and what's important to us etc. etc. etc. And so things are so wonderful! So so so wonderful! I love how we talk, I love so many things he says, I love what we talk about, and I love so much more! This new man of mine is absolutely amazing!!!! I don't know how to explain and express it all, but he just blows me away in so many ways! And puts such a kind of perma-grin on my face! :) Okay but now I have to post my Musical Monday songs so I can go to bed - and oh happiness at being able to sleep an hour later than normal in the morning!!! Today I'm posting two songs by the same group - who I was introduced to by Mr. Hands on one of the wonderful CDs he made for me - and I can't stop listening to these two songs, they are so so so so so so so so so beautiful!!!! I just love and adore this kind of music more than I can possibly say! And I got the whole album and the whole thing is wonderful wonderful wonderful!!! The group is called Flunk and this is what alwaysontherun.net has to say about them: The Norwegian folktronica foursome Flunk was formed out of the studio jam sessions of a trio of Oslo musicians: producer Ulf Nygaard (also of Folk and Rovere), guitarist Jo Bakke (formerly with the Happy Campers), and drummer Erik Ruud (a member of the Guidance-label act Antenna). After adding vocalist Anja Oyen Vister, Flunk recorded their debut album, For Sleepyheads Only, and released the record through Guidance. A folkie cover of New Order's "Blue Monday" made a bit of headway in the downbeat boom of 2002.Both of these songs are from the album For Sleepyheads Only. Enjoy!!!! Flunk :: Your Koolest SmileYour koolest smile Brings me into koolest moods Your koolest smile Brings me into koolest moods I don't know what to say You're tricking me Into something crazy I can see I don't want your sympathy Or your games They make me feel so insane Your koolest smile Brings me into koolest moods I don't want your sympathy Or your games I don't want your sympathy Or your games Your koolest smile Brings me into koolest moods I don't know what to say You're tricking me Into something crazy I can see I don't want your sympathy Or your games They make me feel so So insane I don't want your sympathy Or your games I don't want your sympathy Or your games They make me feel insane Flunk :: DistortionGosh! Guess I'm kind of sleepy too! I think I'll climb aboard that very special choo-choo train... Why don't you join us on our trip to lullaby land I think it's about to leave Are you readyDistortions Sweeps me Distortions Sweeps me Distortions Sweeps me Distortions Distortions Distortions Sweeps me Distortions Sweeps me... Our little train trip to lullaby land is nearly over Shall we go again tomorrow night And the next night And the next Mind if I come along too Before I say goodnight Here's a very special lullaby I wrote especially for you Sleepyhead, sleepyhead Time to go to sleep Now go on in your bed Sleep my sleepy head
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The reason for my recent joy :)
Something really wonderful is happening right now, and I love it! It's amazing and exciting and unexpected and is making me feel so alive! Yes, it's a guy, a man who's wonderful in so many ways and I'm just really discovering how many ways. And for some reason, despite all the feelings inside me and the thoughts in my head and the fact that for the past few days he's been a constant on my mind, I'm having trouble putting it all into words, getting all the things in my head organized enough to write about. Instead I feel that I'll be writing so disjointedly and not at all adequately expressing what I'm thinking and feeling. [I've had this post ready to go for a couple hours now and have been just stuck on one thing: what to call this wonderful man. He has all these different facets to him and I don't want focus on just one and I'm just stuck! So for now I'm going to call him V because nothing else that I try to come up with satisfies me, and even calling him V doesn't satisfy me but if I don't use that, I'll sit here for the next five hours trying to think of something.] So anyway, V is the guy who I was with from 4 p.m. on Tuesday until 10:30 a.m. on Wednesday. He doesn't live here and we live probably four hours apart by airplane. But in that short time, and actually within a couple seconds of meeting him, I felt things that I haven't felt in a very long time. It was amazing how drawn to him I was within seconds and it only grew, and usually it takes me awhile to like and or be attracted to someone and I also usually first see only the bad things about someone, probably on purpose. But with V, I got in the car and I was about instantly incredibly attracted to him, and as we talked I just liked him more and more - but it wasn't just a sexual thing, it was something more that I don't know exactly how to describe. I wanted to touch him, for him to touch me - even if was just our hands or a little touch on the leg. I wanted to be near him, I wanted to hold him and for him to hold me. This was all while still in the car and within minutes of our first meeting each other! I told him later that he was like a magnet because I felt pulled toward him instantaneously! Before meeting, we had mostly just read each others' words, occasionally emailed, instant messaged recently, and we'd talked once on the phone for a long time and once the night before he came to Chicago. I wasn't at all expecting this, any of this. But it's so wonderful and amazing, and our 18 1/2 hours together were so incredible, and I feel so happy and excited from it all! I can understand now when people talk about there being an instant chemistry between two people, an instant magnetism. I'll talk about our time together now! After he picked me up from work we drove up to my apartment - he was going to sleep on my couch and he'd bought groceries at Whole Foods because he was going to cook for me - yummy!!! In the car as I was feeling all these things I was trying to tell myself to slow down but even then my feelings were also saying in response to my logic, "I don't care, I want him to kiss me, I want his hands on me, I want him to fuck me" - yes, it was a little inner debate and my logic was not winning. Okay so back to the story! We came inside and he took out a bag and he'd brought me presents!!! How sweet is that! He bought me his favorite kind and scent of candle - a Pacifica candle in Tunisian Jasmine scent - and for the rest of the night it followed us whereever we went and I've been burning it since he left, too, because the scent reminds me of him and our time together, and also cause it just smells so sweet and sensual and wonderful! Oh I love this: I just grabbed the little candle box and I have to write some of the things written on the box. First, just in regard to scent: "Natural and essential oils are carefully combined to celebrate fragrant beauty and its power to evoke a mood, a memory or a moment for one's soul." That's so beautiful and so true. And reminds me that I've tabbed some of the little things in a book I'm reading now regarding the power of our sense of smell - I'll write more on that soon. Okay, then on the back of the box it talks about Jasmine: "Jasmine, symbolizing grace, hope, love and happiness, has an incomparable fragrance and is one of the most valued materials in perfumery. Its oil is used as an aphrodisiac, to support pregnancy and facilitate in birth. In India, Jasmine is commonly called the "moonlight of the grove" since its white blooms release their heady fragrance only at night. This dreamy blend has the musky tea-like notes of a pure absolute." I love how that sounds! Back to the story again! He also made me two CDs! It made me so happy that he'd thought of me and done something so sweet even before meeting me! I gave him a big hug and it felt so good and so right and we fit together so well! Oh yes, I haven't described him at all. Well first of all, one of my most important things is height and I'd never asked him how tall he was so I didn't know what to expect but as soon as I got in the car I could tell he was tall and I love that! And he has the perfect kind of body that I find the most attractive - tall and slender but not at all skinny, and with natural muscles, so he looks fabulous both in clothes and out of them! And even his outfit that he was wearing was my favorite kind on a guy - very cool jeans, black t-shirt, and such a cool-looking jacket that I don't know how to describe because I don't know the right words for fashion stuff. And he had a chain hanging from the side of his jeans to his wallet in his back pocket - I like what I view as little badass things like that!! :) And his face is so good looking - once again, I'm never good with describing faces but it's this perfect combo of cute and hot - and when he smiles he has a little dimple! And I also found that his lips are so soft and his bottom lip is full and I love feeling it on my lips and I just want to draw it in and suck on it all the time! Oh and okay, now I come to one of my favorite things - his hands!!! He has the most amazingly sexy hands ever!!! And also forearms, and I just LOVE hands and forearms! I took so many pictures of his hands because just seeing them is such an instant turn-on for me! He has three tattoos and I especially like the one on the top of one his forearms, it's beautifully done, looks so cool, and has meaning behind it - all of which makes it very cool. I think he may be a little embarrassed when he finds out how much I just went on and on and on about all this! But I can't help it, and this is my little diary so I get to talk about how sexy he is all I want! :) Okay well he took a quick shower and I started playing the CDs he made for me, and we sat on the couch for just a little while and then we went to the kitchen and I finished cleaning the dishes that I hadn't been able to finish while he cooked up some very yummy appetizers for us - he made it look so easy and it was so good! He toasted little slices of bread and on half of them he put pieces of a red pepper that he roasted on the stove and then cooked in the oven, and on that he put goat cheese and then a little slice of lettuce - so pretty! And on the other half of the toasted bread he put a slice of tomato and a slice of good parmesean cheese and then a leaf of basil! Seriously, they looked so beautiful and both kinds tasted so wonderful and complex! Oh - and after he'd toasted the bread I turned around from the sink one of many times and he was drizzling olive oil on the bread, and I know this sounds so silly but he knows what he's doing and competence turns me on, and seeing him drizzle the olive oil in such a cool way with his finger over the top of it - well yes it turned me on even more! So anyway, the whole time I was cleaning and he was cooking we were also talking and it was so nice and also felt so intimate with us both being in the kitchen and so close. I love cooking with someone! And then we took our candle and our plate of food to the living room and sat right next to each other on the couch, very cozy and I was very very cognizant of our legs touching and our every now and then other little touches. The sexual tension was amazing, at least for me! I couldn't be completely certain that he was into me, but I was incredibly and so so so strongly drawn to him (and it was the same exact way for him as I found out later). We took some pictures of the appetizers and he showed me how he takes very cool pictures where at the end of the exposure he moves the candle around. And he brought Pelligrino to drink and cut limes for us to put in it so even the drink seemed exotic and special - and I liked that a lot, having something cool to drink cause I sometimes miss that since I stopped drinking alcohol. I'm getting so excited just writing this! When we started eating the appetizers I warned him that I'm a freak about my teeth and anything being stuck in them so told him I'd be asking him all the time to check my teeth for me. And then one of those times, after I'd finished my piece of toast, I asked him if anything was in my teeth and he said "let me see" and leaned forward and kissed me - and God I loved it! I wasn't expecting it and it was so hot and I felt it into the pit of my stomach and he was such a good kisser and his lips and tongue were so soft and hard, and I remember one of his hands on my face or neck and being so strong. I'm a little murky on the exact way that it all progressed because it was just so hot, but I know he told me at one time to tell him if it was going too fast or making me uncomfortable and I said no because everything was just perfect. I felt so safe with him and felt so good about everything - it was so exciting and at the same time so comfortable and natural. We moved around a little while kissing so we were laying down more with him on top of me, and he ran his hands over my still fully-clothed body and it felt so good and I just strained for more. He asked if I wanted to go to the bedroom and I said yes and we walked while still kissing to the bedroom where he took off my shirt and I took off his. He pushed me lightly down on the bed and scooted me up, and we kissed more and we rolled so I was on top of him and he took my bra off and I loved the feel of his hands and mouth on my breasts, and I loved the feeling of straddling him because my whole being was so drawn to everything about him. He rolled me on my back and took off my jeans and I tried to get his off, and after he stood to take his pants off he came back and ripped my thong off and holy shit how hot is that! I can't even describe every little thing but I'll say that he is very very good with his tongue and usually I don't feel much from oral sex but with him I felt a lot, and he's very very good with his fingers which I just loved! And now this is a lot of detail but I can't stop thinking about just how perfectly-sized his cock is - it's long and it's thick and from the second I held it in my hand I actually thought how perfect it was - and it was the most beautiful cock I've ever seen in life or porn or pictures, yes really! And while long and thick, it's not too thick so that it's uncomfortable to suck on and in fact I could suck it for a very long time and over and over - it fills my whole mouth perfectly but without causing me to have to uncomfortably stretch. I would very happily blow him every day! And while it's long, when I was straddling him and leaned back so he was all the way inside me, I could feel him up against my cervix but it was just wonderful pressure and stopped just short of being painful, but even a couple millimeters longer and it would have hurt. So seriously, he is THE PERFECT size for me! And GOD did he feel SO SO SO good inside of me!!! I can't stop thinking about it all and wanting so much more! We fucked a total of four times that night and once the next morning, and between times we laid naked in bed and talked and cuddled and he showed me things on his computer and he took some naked pictures of me, and we also got up during that time and he made a fabulously tasty pasta dinner with ground chicken, garlic, onion, tomatoes, basil, and I forget now the kind of noodles - it was all so so so good and I got to eat the leftovers over the next two days! I loved that he was so affectionate, too! When we laid in bed and I had my hand on his chest, he would put his hand on mine - and it made me feel so so good. I love and need both giving and receiving affection, and a lot of it, so I just loved being able to touch him and hold him and have him do the same to me. When we were about to fall asleep we spooned and he held my hands and I don't think there's any better way to be before falling asleep! The whole night was just absolutely perfect and so wonderful, and we even talked about how it was almost dream-like. It was amazing for so many reasons. He's so cool and unique and interesting and smart and caring, and I could go on and on and on. And the next morning I loved waking up next to him. I slept like a rock, which is completely normal for me usually. But at the same time, in the past when someone new has slept in my bed (and it's been quite awhile since that's happened) I've had a very fitful sleep and woken up many times. Anyway though, I just loved waking up and having him there. I loved kissing him in the morning. I loved cuddling and trying to wake up. And eventually when I was able to finally get up to feed the babies and make coffee, V took a shower and I took pictures of him shaving in the shower. I like looking at them! :) And when he finished showering, we started kissing and then made our way back to the bedroom for wonderful morning sex. Just thinking about it makes me start throbbing a bit down below. And I was a little swollen from all the sex the night before so when he slid in me it felt so amazing! I want him again so badly - both sexually and just him. Then afterward we drank coffee and sat next to each other on the couch and he showed me pictures on his computer while I put on my makeup. Oh and by the way, I've been interested in getting a Mac for my next computer for the past two or three months and have looked into it and read up on some of the cool features that Apple computers have. But now I want one more than ever because V has a Mac and showed me so many of the wonderful features! I'm going to start hinting more than ever to my mom!!! :) Before we left, I took some pictures of V and I together, and some of him by himself, and many of his hands! I LOVE his hands, have I mentioned that?! And we talked a little about how short this visit had been but that neither of us had expected it to be like this and for there to be such an attraction. I had him drive through the city when he was taking me work - both so he could see some cool areas and because I knew it would take longer than if we took Lake Shore Drive. When we got to my work he pulled the car over to the side of the street and we kissed and hugged and kissed. I didn't want want him to have to leave so soon and I didn't want to stop touching him and kissing him. But I was also so excited that I'd found him, and so happy about our time together. And since that time, I can't stop thinking about him! Not that I want to stop of course! We've emailed and talked on the phone, and just today we talked about where we could meet, hopefully soon. It does get a little complicated because we live so far from each other. But right now I'm not thinking so much about that because I just want to see what happens and keep getting to know him. And we both know much more about each other than normal people who have just met, and I think that will help me with being more open and able to talk about everything - because of course usually I'm bad about really talking about things like feelings or where something is going, because I'm afraid of hearing something I won't like. But here we have to be open and talk about how we feel, and I like that. So anyway, this is all a very new experience for me - from liking someone who lives so far away to feeling such a strong attraction and connection to someone so quickly - but I'm so excited by it and so full of joy and I feel so alive! And I have no idea what the future will bring - either tomorrow or next week or anytime - but even if the carpet was pulled out from under me tomorrow I would still be so happy this has happened and that I met him because I love this feeling of excitement and being alive, and I love that I've experienced such a wonderful attraction and connection! There's so much more I could have written about our time, and I could have gone into so much more detail! But then this would have been soooooooooooooooooo long and it's so long already I think! I'm just so excited by this all! And that's all for now. I'm being very lazy today but very happily lazy! Yes, very very very very very happy right now!!!!!
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Sleepy talk, both happy and lonely at the same time
Blogger wouldn't let me on this evening until now to post and I was getting quite pissy at it!!! Well, not really quite, but a little frustrated. Now it's almost quarter to eleven and I'm so sleepy and exhausted so absolutely can't stay up to write all that I'd love to write. I couldn't even bring myself to work on anything on my new photoblog - the one and only thing I did was browse and find a couple other user's pages on the site to find cool headers, and I copied their code so I could see what they did later - the website, as far as I can find so far, doesn't let me freely alter any and all code like blogger does, and instead only gives me boxes to enter extra code - but I just browsed the code cause I'm just too sleepy to concentrate! I just trimmed the babies' claws cause I'd felt earlier how long they were when James was kneeding on me and of course I didn't stop him because he was so happy and purring and needing lots of cuddling - but I had a few inadvertent pokes from very sharp kitten claws!! I'm listening to the most wonderful new music right now! It has me in SUCH a zone! Someone wonderful and fabulous made two CDs for me and I need to get all the names of the various artists because of course I've forgotten most of them by now, but from some of these artists/bands I want to find everything they've ever done because the one or two songs I hear now are so incredibly cool and/or beautiful. I love finding amazing new music, it makes me so happy!! And a few of these songs I keep playing over and over and over and over again because I seriously can't get enough of them! My mood has gone all over today. I've been so incredibly happy and excited after the most wonderful and amazing and almost dream-like night I've had in longer than I can remember. Then I spent most of the day in a daze - kind of sleepy, dreamy, daydreamy, couldn't concentrate on anything - it almost felt kind of like a hangover as crazy as that sounds (but this was a very different kind of hangover than the kind from any substances, and no, I didn't do anything like that so it wasn't a real hangover). And then this evening I've been very melancholy. I watched Lost, cuddled a lot with the babies, got slightly angry at blogger, have sleepily browsed around the internet, and have listened to music. I feel alone tonight, hence the mood. Now and then I smell something that reminds me of last night and it makes me simultaneously ridiculously happy and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, and a little lonely and craving some of the affection and closeness that I had last night and early this morning. I'll definitely write more about it all sometime soon, but I'm way way way too sleepy! And James just came up and is cuddled in a little ball into my side and with my arm around him - his little head is laying on my arm and my hand is holding his little back paws - I love this!! But that also means that I can only type with one hand now and while I think I'm actually pretty good at it, it still takes longer and most importantly, my arm muscles are getting really tired from having to hold my whole arm up quite a bit. And also, I did already write ALL about my night and morning this afternoon at work, but just in an email thst I sent only to myself - that way I could write as much as I wanted (which was indeed ALOT), give every little detail that I could possibly remember, and I could gush to my little heart's content!!! :) :) Okay, I'm off to bed, my eyes are so so so sleepy!
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Pictures - Wheat-like grass and Street Scenes
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Musical Monday! And I painted my bedroom!
I just finished painting my bedroom! I finally got off my lazy ass and did it and I'm so happy! Although I'm not entirely sure yet about the color - it's called Antique Pearl and I thought it would be a light soft shell pink, but it's actually looking more like a light shell purple to me. It still looks fine with my bedstuff, but I'll have to see how I like it - I can't tell yet whether it's too cool/not warm enough. And I wanted a color that was comforting and inviting and also slightly sensual - purple is supposed to be a sensual color in some shades, so I'll see. I've never been a real fan of purple. Maybe when I get everything put back to where it should be, and my pictures hung on the walls again it will look better. However, my paint job is spectacular!! :) And I just adore seeing a room transform itself in front of my eyes! And it also didn't take too long - I started taping at 7:30 p.m. and I finished washing my brush and roller and pan at 12:30 a.m. And anyway, even if the color isn't absolutely perfect, my bedroom already looks completely transformed and quite amazing, and everything is still in the center of the room and messy. And overall I'm so so so so so happy with myself for finally getting it done!! Yay me!!!!!! :) Okay, I don't have time tonight to post any more pictures but I'm uploading a couple songs right now for Musical Monday! And I'm in a very positive and happy and empowered mood from the painting (and also because I did some cleaning today as well), so I'm going to play two of my happy songs! I love this first song, it makes me feel a kinship with all women all over the world! And it's about us all being fabulous and wonderful! It's such a happy and wonderful song and I just love it!!! Martina McBride :: This One's For The GirlsThis one's for all you girls about thirteen High school can be so rough, can be so mean Hold onto, on to your innocence Stand your ground when everyone's giving in This one's for the girls This is for all you girls about twenty-five In a little apartment, just trying to get by Living on, on dreams and spaghetti-o's Wondering where your life is gonna go This one's for the girls Who've ever had a broken heart Who've wished upon a shooting star You're beautiful the way you are This one's for the girls Who love without holding back Who dream with everything they have All around the world This one's for the girls This is for all you girls about forty-two Tossing pennies into the Fountain of Youth Every laugh, laugh line on your face Made you who you are today This one's for the girls Who've ever had a broken heart Who've wished upon a shooting star You're beautiful the way you are This one's for the girls Who love without holding back Who dream with everything they have All around the world This one's for the girls Yeah, we're all the same inside (same inside) From 1 to 99 This one's for the girls Who've ever had a broken heart Who've wished upon a shooting star You're beautiful the way you are This one's for the girls Who love without holding back Who dream with everything they have All around the world This one's for the girls Yeah, this one's for the girls ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥Bon Jovi :: It's My LifeAnd my second song today is one of my ultimate power songs! I play this when I need a reminder that I can do anything, when I want to remember that I have one life to live and I need to get to really living it. A wonderful power song!!! The Chorus: It's my life It's now or never I ain't gonna live forever I just want to live while I'm alive(It's my life) My heart is like an open highway Like Frankie said I did it my way I just wanna live while I'm aliveIt's my life
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Seeing The German and taking pictures!
On Friday night after work I planned to meet The German at his place. He called at one point to tell me that he got out of work a little later than he planned, so I decided to just walk to his place from work, and then as I started walking I started seeing all the beauty of the city around me and I got my camera out and started snapping so so so many pictures! Actually, I'd been inspired even earlier. I had gotten a late start getting to work that morning because I wasn't feeling well in the early morning, so when I got on the train I sat on the side with the sunshine coming in and felt just amazing having the warm sun shine over me, and I noticed gorgeous trees with beautiful yellow leaves on them as we rushed past, and I noticed enchantingly beautiful little streets, and the lovely little cloud formations in the sky. It was SUCH a beautiful day! Well so anyway, I took so many pictures from along the Chicago River and on Michigan Avenue, and I didn't even have to alter them because so many came out so beautifully! And my couple hours with The German were good but so comfortable and normal and we acted just as we always have - he kissed me in greeting, we laid down and cuddled, he had me sit on his lap to view my pictures after we downloaded them on his computer, and more than once he pulled up my shirt and had some fun with his favorite boobs - and it always gets me so incredibly hot because I don't stop him and instead go with it to see how far he'll go. And the possibility that he'll keep going gets me extremely hot down below. When he would run his hands up and down my stomach and his fingers would dip just a little inside my jeans I was so so so very very ready. We talked about how we wanted so badly for him to fuck me but that we knew it was a very bad idea, and we were strong in that way. But he did dip his fingers down below a couple times to see just how hot I was for him. So anyway though, it was nice but I know I obviously still can't see him for a very long time. We can keep with our phone talking and that's fine with me, but when I'm around him I get sexually hot for him and I also am so happy to be cuddling and have his arms around me, and I feel so safe and protected and loved. And I get those feelings even as we lay there talking and I tell him all this and he reiterates all he's ever said before. So that's that. Oh but the pictures he had printed for me came out AMAZINGLY!!!! I completely love and adore them, and it's amazing how impressive my pictures look when they're blown up so big! Oh it makes me soooooo excited!!! Yesterday was such a beautiful fall day as well, although it did get pretty cloudy in the late afternoon. I took a bus to an area that I think looks so cool and has some amazing buildings with so much detail on them. I took a bunch of pictures of the area, of buildings, of people, and I sat in a Starbucks and had a coffee and read my book for awhile. I don't usually do that because I usually prefer to stay home and read - it's more comfortable physically and mentally for me. So on one hand I felt strong for going inside and getting a coffee and getting a table and staying there even though it was outside of my little zone of comfort. But I also was thinking about how much happier I would be reading with little James cuddled at my side sleeping and little Emma near my head on top of the couch cushions. I would much rather be with my sweet babies than alone in a coffee shop. And I was so happy to cuddle with my little lovies when I got home a bit later! Below are pictures from my walk around downtown on Friday night, and later tonight I'll post pictures from yesterday - I was so excited to find some really beautiful wheat-like-grass to take pictures of, I'm absolutely obsessed with all these beautiful wheat grasses growing all over! They're all so different and all so beautiful, and I think I was able to get some really good pictures!!! Yay! Okay, I need to go clean and do a lot of stuff around my place! I'm so motivated today!!! :) The pink light on the top of the Wrigley Building is pink for Breast Cancer Month
The current progress of the Trump Tower
Another picture along Wacker Drive, with the Trump Tower to the left.
From left: Wrigley Building, Tribune Tower, and Michigan Avenue Bridge
Again
On Michigan Avenue Bridge - headlights hightlighting pedestrians.
City lights from Michigan Avenue Bridge, with a warm tint.
And again, but true color.
Bus going by on Michigan Avenue.
I love how this art gallery looks at night. I'm not at all a fan of a fur store.
Activity on Michigan Avenue
Girl hailing a cab
Handheld photo from below the Hancock - and I'd like to note that the shutter was open for EIGHT seconds and I wasn't even bracing myself or the camera against anything, and it's not even that blurry!!!
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Sickly me and some random thoughts
I've been sick with some little bug at least today but maybe yesterday, too. I can't say for sure with regard to yesterday (Wednesday), because I slept for the entire day. From 1 a.m. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning until 4:35 p.m. Wednesday afternoon. I talked to my mom in the morning but I can't even remember anything we said because I was just waiting to go back to sleep, and was in a whole other mindframe. And The German knew I was out of it when he called but couldn't wake me up. He called me at about noon and I managed to wake up slightly to talk to him, but fell back asleep before I could call into work. And I next woke up at 4:35 and could easily have kept on sleeping but I made myself get up. And then I felt a little dizzy and completely out of it all evening, and for most of that time I also had a terrible headache that I couldn't get rid of. Then I went to bed at midnight and got up this morning and got all ready and went to work. When I was walking to the train I felt dizzy and lightheaded, and my legs even felt very weak. But then the worst was when I was on the train - luckily I had a seat but we were standing still for a bit and suddenly the feeling started coming over me and I was sooooooooooo afraid that I was going to throw up. And throwing up alone is one of my most hated things (and I can only remember less than ten times in my life that I've thrown up, I have a stomach of steel especially when you consider that I only threw up one time from alcohol), but throwing up in front of people would have to be one of the most awful things I can possibly imagine! And believe me, I've had fears of it before! But I didn't, thank God! I kept alternately feeling like I was going to faint or throw up though, and then I'd have okay moments, and then back to those feelings. I got to work and was just out of it. I felt flushed and the second Freckles saw me she knew I wasn't well because she could see it in my eyes. And The Queen said I looked flushed as well. So I took a cab home. But I didn't go to sleep because I had another one of my unreasonable fears: that maybe I had toxic shock and if I went to sleep I wouldn't be able to see the signs and I'd die. Because I kept a tampon in from about 4:30 p.m. on Tuesday until 4:35 p.m. on Wednesday when I woke up, and I was thinking that maybe it was just delayed toxic shock. I know, I have issues with stuff like that. So instead I was checking through some old emails my mom had sent me and one was a link to the photoblog of a guy who works with my dad. And I really liked the site, which I'd seen before but forgotten about somehow. So I did some more research on it, and then I signed up and spent the afternoon uploading my photos to that site and putting tags on the pictures and organizing the pictures in their galleries. And I was just getting to the point where I was going to start adding in some fun code to see what I could do, but then I started looking at other people's photoblogs on this site to get ideas and suddenly a lot of time disappeared. So I'm putting off further tinkering until tomorrow or this weekend. I was supposed to go to The German's after work on Wednesday and then when I didn't go to work, we moved it to today but that obviously didn't happen either. It was going to be the first time I'll have seen him since late August sometime. We've talked a little almost every day because he calls me every morning and he also calls me on the weekends, but no physical contact, and I know it needs to stay that way for longer still. Because I just know that when I see him whenever I now do, I'll just want it to be our "normal" thing of cuddling, and he'll want it to be that, too. And he also misses both me and my company and also our sexual contact - he tells me that in his silly way. But he had all these big prints made for me, so I feel that I should relent and see him for just a little while, just once. But to be honest, when I even think about it I start getting old feelings coming right back to the surface. So the talking is fine but seeing him and the cuddling and kissing and seeing his face is too much. By the way, MWFB told me that The German told him how amazing I am and how strong, to realize that I need to stay away from him and to stick to it - he said other things and they meant a lot to me to hear, just knowing that he recognizes these things about me. It's a good reminder and good validation and all that good stuff! On my little dating site there are a few potentials. Nothing ridiculously exciting right now but it's hard to get excited from just reading a few little things. Still though, a number of these guys sound interesting, so I'll see. I do feel good about the whole thing, and good about the site and process, and I'm also not anymore expecting some perfect guy on day one. I'm happy though that I'm out there and have the real potential to meet someone again. And beyond that, I think it will happen when it's meant to happen, and I'm perfectly okay with that at the moment. What else? Not much has happened since I've just been here at home. Oh - well I did have a little rendevous with SP on Tuesday night! It was fun and we also had a really good talk, I think we were both in the same kind of reflective and introspective mood, so we really felt each other. Oh, and I switched over to yahoo beta two nights ago and have been spending a ridiculous amount of time organizing emails into files now. I never did it before because it seemed like too much work, not having a drop and drag. And I don't actually delete very many emails, so I had about 5500 emails in my inbox. I'm down to about 4800 right now from deleting and moving many to folders. I love it though because I love this "getting organized" feeling! Seriously, I know that I'm spending so much time going through all these old emails, but I love it because I love the feeling of getting organized, and of having all these little folders now to sort the emails into, and of being able to delete a bunch of emails, and all the while I watch that number on the inbox keep going down and it just excites me!! :) And of course, it's nice too to remind myself of some things and sometimes read some old emails! Okay, time for me to go to bed. I'm feeling about 80% better but my stomach still doesn't feel all normal and it's a little bothered still, and I feel a little headache in my temples, and a little pressure in my sinuses. So I need to sleep. Oh and speaking of sleep, all day today since I came home from work, little James has slept either against my side or on top of me or with my arm around him and his face resting on my arm and his paws holding onto me - I love that so much, he's so sweet and affectionate!!! (And I again have tried putting a wonderful picture of little James on here and even though dumbass blogger says it's uploaded fine, nothing nothing nothing appears and I've tried using the code from other pictures in previous posts but just changing the file number and that doesn't work either. So no picture of James today, poor us!)
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Happy stuff! Very late at night!
I've failed my new bedtime leaf tonight, and I did last night, too. I'm very very bad. But I bought a new litter pan for the babies today so they can have two of them - I still have to fill it and set it up and such, with the mat to catch the litter around it - but hopefully this will do even more in stopping James from pooping and peeing where he shouldn't be. I also got a bottle of the Nature's Remedy, because my hallway carpet smells like cat pee a bit. I rolled it up last week so he couldn't pee on it more, but it still smells whenever I walk in the apartment. So tomorrow I'll unroll it and completely drench the areas where he peed, and cover those loosely with aluminum foil. And then the other part of my plan: I'm going to put out three bowls of dry food along the length of the carpet because as we all know, cats won't pee where they eat. And besides, James will have two places now to pee and poop - and they'll both be litter boxes! (He's actually been good since I rolled up the carpet, and has peed in his litter pan always and even pooped in the pan most of the time, which doesn't always happen very often anymore.) I also bought them a new little bed, because they love their little kitten beds and are so so so so cute when they sleep in them! And I bought them an early Christmas present because there are already little Christmas toys out, and I love my babies - so I got them two little Christmas catnip mice. Oh and the cutest thing - I got two little red velvet elf-or-jester-like Christmas things to go around their necks, with little bells on them!! I'm going to try putting these little things on them for first a few minutes and then just a little longer, so when it's time for us to take our Christmas picture I might be able to have both of them in adorable little Christmas things!!! :) So cute!!!! Of course, if they really hate them, I won't torture them, but still I'll try, and they were cheap. And the last couple of years I could never find anything for cats cause they'd be all sold out! Also, at least I was a good kitten momma and didn't get the little things that attach around their heads - the reindeer hats or santa hats - they would look soooooo silly with those on, and with their ears hidden! I wouldn't be able to stop laughing for the pictures! Okay anyway, then I sorted through some pictures to send to The German, because he might be able to get free 16x20 pictures made for me of some of our pictures. And I also talked to SoulSearcher on the phone for 40 minutes and we had a very good conversation, I really like talking to him. And I emailed back and forth with my mom and got pictures from her, and I wrote a little email to my grandpa, too. And also - I haven't said anything about this yet - on Friday night or Saturday, I signed up for one of the online dating things again, a big step (and my dad was very happy to hear about it) - so I had to write a little bit of a response to one guy. It's a semi-exciting little distraction right now, and although I tend to waiver between being sad and thinking there is no one out there, and then feeling excited, it's a nice feeling to get the excitement and hope throughout the day! Of course, I'm just taking it very slow because I don't feel the need yet to actually go out and meet anyone, but just slowly learning a little more is okay with me. And feeling the hope again. Then I also talked to MWFB for a couple hours and we got off just now, and now it's getting close to 2 a.m. but I decided to write really quickly anyway. Oh and my little fable books arrived from Amazon today, and I'm so excited to read them! Oh and also, I got a few cutesy little stocking stuffers tonight for Christmas - I can't help it, the stores are starting to decorate! I was at World Market and I bought two boxes containing three chocolate golf balls each for my dad and brother, and a "Schoko-Werkzeugbox (Choco-Toolbox)" for my dad - I'm going to have to post a picture later, it has a chocolate saw, chocolate hammer, chocolate wrench, chocolate screwdriver, and chocolate plyers - and for my mom, I got a box of "Katzen-Zungen (Cat Tongues)", the box has two of the cutest little kittens on it! So I've started my little Christmas shopping just a tiny bit now! And I got just one more thing - a very small camera bag that fits basically just my camera and a couple other small things. I have my camera backpack that holds the camera, other lenses, filters, plus a personal area, but that's more for excursions and weekends and such. This one will go everywhere with me. I've been carrying my camera in my purse all this time but I love that camera so much and I don't like putting it all unprotected in my purse, so this will be my day camera bag - it just holds the camera nicely, no extra lens - but my camera will be lovely and safe, and it has a nice long strap to go across my body, and I won't even notice it then! I spent quite a long time in the camera store trying out every single small bag, and then looking at everything else I could possibly browse, just because it makes me so happy! Okay, I'm off to bed. I was melancholy during the day today and even started crying at work a few times, but tonight has been a very good night and I feel positive and happy and lovely!!! :)
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Musical Monday
I had a hard time picking songs for today. I played a whole list of songs that jumped out at me, and there were so many good ones. But I've settled on Damien Rice because 1) I love his music, it gets me in such a mellow zone that I like, and 2) he has amazing lyrics. [Blogger won't let me put a picture in and I've tried so many times - pisses the FUCK out of me when this happens!!! (Deep breath) Okay, I'm a little better.] Damien Rice :: Older Chests(This first song has such beautiful lyrics, read along if you have a chance.) older chests reveal themselves like a crack in a wall starting small and grow in time we all seem to need the help of someone else to mend that shelf of too many books read me your favourite line papa went to other lands and found someone who understands the ticking and the western man's need to cry he came back the other day you know some things in life may change and some things they stay the same like time there's always time on my mind so pass me by i'll be fine just give me time older gents sit on the fence with their cap in hand lookin’ grand they watch their city change children scream or so it seems louder than before out of doors and into stores with bigger names mama tried to wash their faces but these kids they lost their graces when daddy lost at the races too many times she broke down the other day you know some things in life may change but some things they stay the same like time there's always time on my mind so pass me by i'll be fine just give me time Damien Rice :: Amienothing unusual nothing strange close to nothing at all the same old scenario the same old rain and there's no explosions here then something unusual something strange comes from nothing at all i saw a spaceship fly by your window did you see it disappear? amie come sit on my wall & read me a story of old tell it like you still believe that the end of the century brings a change for you and me nothing unusual nothing's changed just a little older that's all you know when you've found it there's something i've learned 'cause you feel it when they take it away hey hey then something unusual something strange comes from nothing at all but i'm not a miracle and you're not a saint just another soldier on a road to nowhere amie come sit on my wall & read me a story of old tell it like you still believe that the end of the century brings a change for you and me amie come sit on my wall & read me the story of o tell it like you still believe that the end of the century brings a change for you and me
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Pictures of my babies and a few from last weekend in Michigan
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Some of my crazy overanalyzed thoughts and (yay!) Late Gratitude Tuesday!!!
Shit, I started writing this awhile ago and then got distracted, and now it's 11:20 and I'm supposed to be in bed by 11:30 so I have to finish this quickly. I'm in a kind of funk for some reason right now - not a sad funk or anything, just a kind of thoughtful funk but the kind where I can't really get all my thoughts organized so well. And I'm somehow struggling in some way that I can't really put my finger on - I think I'm trying to figure out about twenty different things, I'm trying to be good and go to bed by 11:30 (I'm doing good at this so far this week since starting this resolution), I'm trying to turn the TV off after one of my shows is finished (I'm doing good at this, too, so far, and I also downgraded my cable subscription or whatever you call it yesterday), I'm trying to be a good friend (last night I talked for two hours to my friend who last week went through so much and when we got off it was time for me to go to bed), and I'm frustrated because I really value my little online relationships with some of my blog friends out there and because all the stuff going on with my friend last week and then being at my parents over the weekend and then trying to get myself on a good schedule this week, I feel really alienated from that part of my life because I haven't had time to sit and read and catch up on those blogs and comment like I usually do. I think that's actually part of the reason why I feel so unsettled right now. And I'm also kind of searching for something right now - I just ordered a number of little fable-like books from Amazon tonight because none of them were in stock at Borders when I checked there today. And I also feel a little unsettled because I want everyone in my life to be relatively happy and 1) my friend is doing much better and I'm so proud of him entering a whole new stage of his mourning this relationship but I know it still isn't easy, and 2) one of my closest friends seems to be going through another slightly rough patch and seems sometimes borderline depressed and/or just really frustrated and unsatisfied, and it's so hard for me to see that with him and I just want to do anything to help make it better for him. Okay, so those are a few of the things on my mind, and there are a bunch more that I can feel there in my head but can't completely put my finger on yet. And I'm just frustrated right now because of it all. Also, Grey's Anatomy was on tonight and that show just always affects me in some way for even quite awhile after it ends. Tonight when it finished I turned to start writing this but I couldn't find the right words for anything and just nothing could come out or make me feel okay, so I just wrote down a few things in a sort of disjointed and half-assed poem form that maybe might explain a little something, or maybe just express the "ehhhhhn" going on in my head right now: Too many things and I can't get them out So frustrating So many things I don't know So many things I feel So many things I want to learn I start and don't continue or finish I think but don't do I spin in circles and change too slowly I dabble too much without committing and trying and maybe failing The snow fell and there was just me No one to show No one to share it with A quote I read today talked about laughing How often children laugh and Infrequently we so-called adults do I want to be more like that child To live simple and free and spin with arms outstretched To love and feel and try and laugh and learn To feel the joy and cry the tears To react without fear And I want to remember what is real What is important But sometimes I don't know And it's so frustrating I've wanted to start doing Gratitude Tuesday again since I last did it, but something always got in the way. So tonight I said fuck it, I'm going to start again now instead of promising to start for next Tuesday. So today, I continue with all the things I'm grateful for that begin with the letter K: Gratitude Tuesday, the K'sKisses and Kissing - I'm so grateful for kissing and for those humans who way back when discovered the joy of kissing and passed it on, passed on the closeness and intimacy of having your face so close to another's face and your lips touching. I'm grateful for good passionate kissing that feels so amazing (as opposed to snake-like darting tongues, fishy loose tongues and/or lips, or slobber dripping down my face). But I think even more than deep kissing, I like little kisses - little semi-playful, semi-passionate kisses that capture a lower lip lightly, little touches of lips with eyes open and looking at each other, little kisses on the forehead, little kisses on the hand, little kisses on the bellybutton, little kisses that really mean love as opposed to just passion. And I love giving little kisses to express all that's inside me - just ask my little kittens, I'm constantly kissing them all over when I hold them - somehow kissing them and having my face pressed close to them makes all the love in my heart feel closer to bursting out. Kindness - I'm so grateful for kindness, for the kindness that I'm capable of, for the kindness of my family and friends and acquaintances, for the kindness of strangers, and for random acts of kindness that I'm lucky enough to witness and which put such a feeling of warmth in my heart and make me feel a kinship with all other humans for a brief time. I love the sound of "random acts of kindness" - how wonderful is that! :) I know I miss chances to show kindness to strangers sometimes, out of fear of what others might think or a feeling of uncomfortability, or because I'm sometimes jaded and distrustful - but I want to stop thinking of myself and instead just think of others more. I'm thinking right now, and I think one of the best feelings in the world is being kind to someone and knowing that it touched that person - it lights up the rest of my day. Kittens - I'm so grateful for kittens, because the minute I see a picture of a kitten I'm instantly lifted and feel such a squealing little joy at the pure cuteness! And when I see kittens on TV or a movie or such, and see their cute little wobbly walks and their little crying mews and their little stubby tails and legs and allover teensiness, oh it's just too adorable and so wonderfully and fabulously cute!!!! And makes me so gleeful!!! And of course I love my own little kittenbabies so incredibly much - and even though they're three years old so not technically kittens anymore, I just love the word "kitten" because it elicits such happiness when I hear it, so my babies only know of themselves as being kittens! (And I'm grateful to the idea of kittens right now because being able to use a bunch of exclamation points makes me feel so joyful, too!!!!!) Keepsakes - I'm very grateful for keepsakes of all kinds. I know that keepsakes are just reminders of special people, special times or special memories, but I just love that these little things can have such special meanings attached to and associated with them. Kidneys - I'm so grateful for my kidneys and the fact that they work properly. I have often heard of the huge number of people whose kidneys have failed them for one reason or another and who are waiting for transplants, but I never knew much about what dialysis was or any of what someone goes through. However, I've started to learn a little more from the most beautiful and amazing girl on the other side of the world from me, and while she is so so so so so so much more than just the disease of her kidneys, I'm so grateful to her for opening my eyes a little more to how important all our different organs are. Knees - I'm so grateful for my knees, and so grateful that they work properly as well. I've known so many people who have, at some time in their lives, had serious to semi-serious problems with their knees. And very recently, two people who I adore have had problems and I've seen how much hurt knees can affect someone's daily life. I hope mine stay healthy for a very very very long time. Knowledge - I love and am so grateful for knowledge - well really, it's the learning that I love probably more than the knowing just to know, but I also love knowing about so many things and always learning more - it helps me grow, helps me be that much more interesting, makes me more confident, more happy, and interested in always learning more. And really, isn't it amazing how much we can learn and retain!? Theres's almost no limit! What a kickass thought! :) Kitchens - I'm so grateful for kitchens and all the wonderful appliances in them. Of course, I don't use my kitchen much right now, but I sometimes dream of a few years down the road when I'll have a family, and I want my kitchen to be warm and welcoming and a wonderful gathering place. When I think like this I always think of families in Italy for some reason, and how, at least in my mind, the kitchen is the heart of the house. And then I think about how I want my kitchen to be decorated with a bit of an Italian/Southern French/Mediterranean feel to it because I love that style. And then my thoughts always drift to how grateful I am that I don't have to go to a little market and buy a whole dead chicken and de-feather it myself, because I don't think I could stand to do that (I know this doesn't happen every day in Italy, of course, but in my romantic view of cute little rustic Tuscan towns that's how it all works). So, whenever I start thinking of kitchens, now you know the basic track that my mind takes! Knives - it's not as if I love knives or have a fascination with them or even know how to use them well (although I do have a very dull dagger that I got on a family vacation to Wyoming which I keep on my nightstand just in case some intruder comes in, but yes I've thought about what I would actually do if that happened and I couldn't get too close to him because he'd overpower me like the bad guys do to girls in all the movies, so I'd want to throw the knife but of course I don't know how, so no, the dagger really wouldn't be much help if I actually had an intruder - but I still like it because it looks so pretty with it's decorative embedded wooden handle, and it also looks kind of badass in it's cool little sheath!). But anyway, I'm still grateful for knives because they come in very handy with cutting things and make life much easier in many little ways that I'm sure I don't even realize. Keys - I've very grateful for the security of locks and for the wonderful little invention of keys! They help in my feeling fine about leaving my place in the morning and knowing that my little babies will be safe inside when I get back home at night. King Charles Spaniels - I just adore these dogs!!! They are so so so so so so cute!!! This breed is in the top few that I think about getting when I'm ready to get a dog! Knitting - I'm grateful for knitting even though I haven't done any since last winter just after Christmas - which reminds me that I have to cast off from my brother's scarf which I knit him for Christmas last year but didn't finish until after Christmas (I'll send it to him as soon as I can find someone to cast it off for me since I absolutely cannot ever figure it out), and I need to finish the scarf I was supposed to knit my dad for Christmas last year and send it to him (I'm such a fucking procrastinator and honestly I completely forgot about this until it just got cold the other day). But anyway, I have fun doing the simplest form of knitting and just making very simple scarves, because it's fun and I love seeing it get longer and longer and know that I made it! Knickers - I just love this word, it's so British and makes me smile!!! :) Okay, that feels a little better now! I love feeling grateful, it's the most wonderful feeling!!!!!!!
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My weekend, talk with my dad, etc,
I'm really really sleepy so this won't be long. I had to get up very early this morning to get to the Amtrak and take the train back to Chicago, and even though I slept on it, it hardly felt like it by the afternoon and evening. And I had to stay after work to help my boss with a class that he teaches. And then I got home, and I was soooooooo excited to see my little babies! I expected there to be some poop on the hallway carpet because James has very very frustratingly decided that the hallway carpet is where he likes to poop. And over the weekend I came up with a plan: 1) get a second litter pan and put some litter in it but not a ton in case he doesn't like sinking in the litter when he's pooping and that's why he doesn't use the litter pan anymore, and 2) set out three food bowls along the length of the hall carpet and along the wall where he poops, because we all know that cats won't poop in the same place where they eat. So that's the plan - but of course I want to do both things at the same time and I don't have the second litter pan yet, so I'll get that tomorrow after work. But then, today when I got home, not only was there a poop waiting for me on the carpet, but I found an extremely wet pee spot as well - and that oh so frustrates me and I have to work so so so hard to not be mad at James because he wouldn't know why I was mad at him. I cleaned it all up, but tonight before I go to bed I'll have to roll the carpet up because I don't want it getting any more pee-damaged. And damn it, I love that carpet! So I must get James to stop using my carpet as his toilet! My weekend was very nice. I took the train home to my parents' house on Friday night and I read and listened to music the whole way. Then on Saturday my dad had to go watch some things being installed for his work so my mom and I slept in a bit and then sat downstairs and drank coffee and talked for a couple hours, and one of her sweet cats curled up in my arms on the table and I always love that! Then we both got dressed and my mom dropped me off at my grandpa's house, and I spent four hours with him talking and typing everything he said for his biography. We went over some of the harder things that day, such as mistakes he made with regard to his son and his relationship with his parents when he was really young. Sometimes it was hard watching him, because I knew it was very difficult for him to look back on some of those things. After that, my mom picked me up and we went home for dinner. She had gotten a Honey Ham - yummmmmmy!!!! So the three of us ate and chatted and hung out, and then my mom and I watched a couple shows while we read magazines and talked and the sweet kitty was again in my arms! On Sunday we got up very very very early for early church service and came home for awhile afterward, and all three of us sat around the table, drank coffee, and read the paper. Then we picked my grandpa and grandma up and we went to my favorite autumn place in the whole world - a wonderful apple orchard, and inside one of the old buildings they serve hot and cold apple cider (I like the hot stuff) and all kinds of donuts, pastries and pies (I always get one plain donut). The place was sooooooooo crowded on Sunday because it was absolutely perfect and gorgeous weather, it smelled so good out, looked so beautiful, the skies were clear blue, the leaves were changing, the little children were running all around outside, the air was warm but still with a bit of a fall crispiness to it - it was just perfect! So anyway, we all had our little snacks and then walked around a little, and then my dad drove us all around on a little tour of fall leaves changing color. I wanted to take pictures but of course we were driving and I was sitting between my grandparents, and I also had to go to the bathroom soon after we started driving and it only got worse so the last thing I wanted was to stop somewhere and make it longer before I could get to a bathroom to pee! So then we dropped my grandparents off and my parents and I went home, and I was so tired from getting up so early - the sleepiness really hit me - so I took a wonderful 2 hour in my bed and then woke up for dinner. And on Sunday night my mom and I again sat at the table, watched a couple shows (I can't even remember which ones so it shows how much I was paying attention), read little magazines and talked. And I again had sweet kitty in my arms! She adopted me for the weekend! :) And then on Monday it was pretty much a repeat of Saturday, with my dad going to work, my mom and I sleeping in a little and then drinking coffee and talking, getting ready, being dropped off at my grandpa's and spending four hours with him going over some of his very interesting career. He worked on the Manhattan Project so I absolutely loved being able to hear more about that, and ask all kinds of questions and get a pretty complete image of everything about the job, the atmosphere there, the city, the general atmosphere in the US, etc. And we went over a lot more as well, including when he started his own company and developed a special adhesive that was used by Chrysler for five years. My grandpa was a chemist, by the way. I love my meetings with him and getting to hear again some of the stories that I'd heard parts of before, and putting everything in order, and asking a lot of questions, and going much more in depth about everything than I ever had before. And I type everything he says! Oh, and he even paid me this time, $200, and said it would keep going up as we continued meeting and I started writing. So I like that as well, because I need it. My mom picked me up and we went home and we all ate dinner and a little later my mom and I watched the show Heroes, and it's such a good show! This was only the third episode and already I'm drawn in and very intrigued! Then my mom and I downloaded some pictures for my dad and we all looked at all the lovely images he captured! Then this morning I had to get up so so so so so so so so early. My dad and I left at 6:50 a.m. to get me to the train. And then, when we got there and parked while waiting for it to be close to the time, my dad turned to me and wanted to know what was going on with me, and he told me he worries about me a lot, kind of all the time. First he wanted to talk about my job and how my mom told him that The Meat is retiring in a year and my boss would probably go to a different division, and I had told my mom that I would need to find something different around or before that time. And then there's the matter of my possible career change as I don't have any real interest in law. So he's worried about me procrastinating (he knows me) and not making any decisions. And he's worried about me being always poor. And he's just worried because I don't know what kind of career I want and in what area, and my current job will only be going on the same for another year. And then when we got out of the car and were walking towards the platform, he asked me if I'd gone on any dates lately. I told him I went out with a guy a couple of times, and that I'm starting to get back out there again. He said he worries about that a lot, too, because he just "wants me to find my spot." He suggested doing the online dating like I did a couple years ago, just to get me out there and meeting people again. I said I was thinking about that but that I can't do everything at once and I want to figure out my career thing first. He said, "well do it, cause time is moving on and I'm always worrying about you!" And then he put his arm around me and said, "I think you're hiding something from me, and that worries me, too." While he was telling me all this, I felt the urge to cry right behind my eyeballs so strong sometimes. First, because my dad was sharing with me and he doesn't do that very much. Second, because I just want him to be happy. And third, because it was making me realize how little is certain in my life, and how little I've actually accomplished. I'm thirty now and I have no idea what job or career I want, and I kind of like to do a lot of little things but I have no idea how to make money with any of them. Also, I'm thirty and I'm poor and while I can live comfortably in my apartment, I am trying to pay off debt but can only do that very slowly, I have little extra spending cash, I'm not saving anything, I don't own anything, and I probably couldn't even afford car insurance if I were to have a car, which I've been wanting more and more for little errands. And again, I'm thirty and have hardly had any real boyfriends in my life, have a hard time finding a guy who I'm into and have him be equally into me, have no real prospect right now for a partner, and while most people my age are married now and thinking about having a baby or already have one, I'm still trying to figure out the very basic things. So it makes me feel kind of shitty about myself when I look at it all from that perspective. Of course, I do remind myself of having overcome alcoholism. And of learning so much about myself in the last couple years. And of having my babies to love. And of having such a pretty, warm and comfortable apartment. And The Meat pointed out that even though I don't know exactly what I do want to do, at least I know things that I don't want to do. Still, it doesn't sound so impressive. And I wish I could say that while I was young and free, I had traveled all over the world, but I've had no money at all to travel with. And I can't even say that, living in Chicago, I've gone to see all kinds of cool plays and musicals and operas - because 1) I never think of it, 2) when I do think of it I don't know who to go with, and 3) I always think they'll be so expensive. Okay, I'm putting a stop to the pitty party now. Because even though there's a lot I haven't done and figured out yet, I still have all the time I need. And besides, I think I'm pretty fucking fabulous in so many ways!! So I'll focus on that right now! Or at least try to. Oh, and I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. So my first thing is to always be in bed by 11:30 p.m. No more 1 a.m. nights. And second, I have to keep the TV off unless it's one of my pre-selected shows that I watch. And third, I'm going to see what channels basic cable comes with because I'm thinking of maybe getting rid of the expanded cable. I watch way too much TV, it eats away my time, my nights, my weekends, and part of my life, and keeps me from doing so many things that I really want to do. Okay, that's all. Now it's time for me to get ready for lovely bed! And right now, I have my sweet little James cuddled up against my side, and my sweet little Emma is sleeping on the top of the couch above us! I have to say, that makes me feel so wonderful!!!
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Update on my friend, and finally the story about the guy from this weekend!
I've been pretty occupied for the past few days with helping and taking care of my friend. I've gone to visit him for the past two nights after work, and I've taken a whole new approach to my interactions with him - I told him that I would no longer act as an enabler for his fantasies, and instead I'm going tell him how it is even though he doesn't want to hear it - because the only way he's going to get through this is by admitting the truth and fully feeling and dealing with the pain. I actually feel I've been really effective these past two days and I'm quite proud of myself! I know that sounds so bad for me to say, but I'm figuring out as I go along and today more than just a few times he told me that the psychologist or psychiatrist had said exactly the same thing as I was saying. I'm leaving tomorrow evening to go to my parents' house for the weekend (which had been planned a few weeks ago) and I feel bad that I won't be able to visit him until Tuesday. So I gave him assignments to do in his free time and I bought him a couple of books. And I'll of course call him every day. His assignments - 1) to start making a list of all the hurtful and bad things that this selfish girl has done to him (because although he'll sometimes talk about the bad things, he tends to make excuses for them and focus only on the things that give him hope. I told him he needs to get his thoughts organized and writing these things down would release those things from the jumble in his mind, and he can also look back at this list as a reminder in times of weakness and as an indication of the truth of their non-existant and/or completely one-sides faux relationship. And the goal here is for him to able to say the words "it's over" aloud, and really accept it). 2) I brought my dictionary and left it with him, and I've directed him to start doing Gratitude Tuesday but every day (he has such low self-confidence now and for the past three years has tied his entire self-worth and value completely to this woman - so I told him the first step here is just to get him in a more positive mindframe so soon he'll be able to see himself and his world through a grateful and positive perspective). After I left tonight he called and left me a message - he'd told his mom about all we talked about and about the assignments I gave him, and his mother said I was an angel sent by God - that makes me feel so wonderful! ♥ ♥ ♥In other news, I'm starting to think my 3-date-guy from last week and weekend, who I'm going to call SoulSearcher, is kind of a tool. I never even got to tell the whole story because of all the drama this week. So I'll try to tell it now but a little shorter than I would have if I'd written earlier than now. Okay, Friday night - SoulSearcher and his band were playing at a local bar. I got there right at 10, when they were scheduled to start playing, and I had been so nervous about not knowing anyone but luckily a couple who I'd met was there and recognized me right off. We all went to the music area and listened to him play. He had a good voice and I liked the style of the music - many folky songs, a couple bluegrass songs, a few other songs that I couldn't really put into one category. He writes all his own stuff, so it was fun to hear. And I was very impressed! And we made eye contact a number of times during his set, and even winked at me and smiled when I first got there. After he was finished and had packed up and greeted a couple people, he came over and sat with us, and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. And then was my favorite: for the next probably hour and a half that we stayed at the bar, he gave me all this sweet affection - as he sat right next to me, he'd have his hand on my leg softly rubbing or tracing, or have his hand on my hip or lower back, or be sweetly holding my hand under the table and tracing my fingers or palm. And I was doing all of the same. In that short time it became like a little drug for me, it just felt so incredibly good to feel cherished and wanted and special, and I so loved having someone to sit right next to and get affection from. I'd feel suddenly naked whenever he took his hand away to gesture or read something - I wasn't outwardly needy but damn, it felt so so so good! I just adore affection, I love little touches, little physical contact - and this made me realize how much I miss it. Then we left and got in his car out front, and made out there for a little while and both got quite horny - I found out on Sunday that he wears a size 13 shoe, and as I could feel on Friday night, with SoulSearcher, the old adage is completely true! :) Oh so tempting!!! BUT, I had purposely not cleaned my apartment at all so I couldn't be tempted to invite him up - and I told him exactly that. He tried a few times to get invited up anyway and assured me that he didn't mind a mess - but I hadn't left just a mess but a disaster so there would be absolutely no way I'd let anyone in! It was the only way I could be sure because otherwise I know how easily I want it all despite earlier decisions to be good. We still spent quite a bit of time in the car once we got to my place, but before I went inside there was something I wanted to say him - well, that I was nervous to say because I'd never addressed it like this before and am so bad at this kind of thing. But The Meat and I had talked about it earlier in the day and The Meat told me exactly what to say so I had it kind of ready to go in my mind and finally got the nerve just as he pulled up in front of my place (we had parked a little ways away for our making out session). So I said "Before I go I have to tell you something," and he gave me his full attention (now I can see why he gave me his full attention - that sounded bad!) I was so nervous and told him I hated this kind of thing but The Meat told me I had to do this (it was easier putting a little of the blame off of me). And then: "I sort of recently got out of a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, and it was really hard before I was able to get over it. And where I am now is not wanting something that's just a fuckbuddy thing. I know you and I hardly know each other at all yet, but what I want, as opposed to the fuckbuddy thing, is the possibility of something - I guess a similar mindset as I have - a getting to know each other and the possibility of something besides just fucking. So I just wanted you to know, and before you fuck me you can take that into consideration." And then I covered my face and did some sort of little girly squeal and said "that was so hard!" He told me I was so cute. So - I feel that I have to justify why I said this. Usually I hate talking about anything difficult, so I just go with the flow. And usually that flow soon leads to sex because I get too carried away to be wise and say no. And then a part of me starts getting attached and I put the guy up on a little pedistal and start feeling not good enough for him. Well, all that is if I actually am liking the guy before all this, because I also dismiss guys very quickly. But if he gets past the dismissal stage and I'm starting to like him and we have sex, I'm in a little bit of trouble and don't then have my full mind. So anyway, this was to try to be good and not demand to know where he is and whether he's possibly looking for a relationship, but just to tell him where I am so that it's put out there. And I'm so proud of myself for doing it! And getting up the guts to say it! You have no idea how hard that kind of thing is for me! Anyway, we'd earlier, in the car while making out, made plans for him to come over on Sunday evening. I didn't hear from him at all on Saturday which seemed a little odd but I didn't really feel like talking anyway. And on Sunday I cleaned like a madwoman all day, both because I was really into it and because I planned on SoulSearcher coming over. He called in the afternoon to confirm our plans and said he'd be over at 9. When he got here he kissed me on the cheek and then we sat on the couch and talked for an hour and half, talked about all kinds of things from our cats to religion to our respective families to my alcoholism to his occasional anxiety attacks to his music. We really had a great conversation, and the whole time we were cuddling a little - I had my legs over his so I could keep my toes warm under a pillow, and we were both alternatively lighting rubbing each other's legs, arms, and hands/fingers. It was so nice, comforting, relaxing, and sweet. And then he brought up what I said in the car on Friday and said he'd been thinking a lot about it since then, because the bad part of him really wanted to fuck me but the good part wanted to be honest and tell me where he was, which is, "just really confused right now." Why? 1) Because his last serious relationship ended nine or ten months ago, they had dated for 2 1/2 years, and at the end she was threatening suicide and suffering severe depression and engaging in a lot of emotional blackmail - so he has this admittedly irrational fear of getting involved again. 2) He just started a new job that he isn't sure how he feels about, he's still tutoring his students and doesn't want to back out on them, he was studying for a little professional exam which took time, and he lately hadn't had enough time for his music which is his "number one priority." 3) Apparently he currently has an on-again-off-again fuckbuddy relationship with a girl (yeah, I know, good to hear that he's fucking some other chick) and he doesn't want to do that to me - especially since I had specificially addressed it and told him I didn't want the fuckbuddy thing. We had a really good talk about all of those things, and then talked some more afterward about other things for awhile, and then cuddled more and even kissed a little, and we talked about how we'll just hang out now and then and get to know each other slowly and not date. I know he likes me, and not just because he told me, but I also know he's actually surprised at how "cool" and laid-back I am. And there's definitely sexual chemistry. And I was really liking him, too. After he left I felt really good - I saved myself a lot of heartache there. Because if I hadn't said anything, we would have fucked on Sunday night, and then he would have left and I wouldn't have known what to expect after that and would have started driving myself crazy if he didn't call every day and want to see me again very soon and suddenly start wanting to act just like boyfriend-girlfriend. And it would be so hard to address it and ask the questions after we'd had sex. So I was happy. A little worried that maybe I'd been dumped and didn't really know it, but no, I do know he likes me. And I was also thinking that it would be really cool actually, cause we'd get to know each other and be friends and then he'd realize I'm such a perfect girl and he's madly in love with me!! :) Now, since Monday morning he's emailed me three times. And by the third one, they're bothering the fuck out of me. They're all pretty short and tell me what he's doing, and then say something about "trying to get perspective in my life" or "taking a break from studying, to get some perspective," or something along those lines. Then he hopes I'm having a good week or had a good day, and "looks forward to hanging out soon", and then his signoff is "Take Care, SoulSearcher". What's up with the "Take Care"? It sounds so formal and distant. I know it's just his normal signoff but I don't like it. And I'm also sick of the "gaining perspective" already - get over it! - we all have problems, we're all learning and dealing with something, but life is waiting. Yes, that sounds harsh, but I've been in that kind of mood all day today. Anyway though, the close to identically-patterned emails are really annoying me now. I didn't respond to the email today because I really saw nothing in there to respond to. If he wants to see me, so be it - he can call and ask me out. If he doesn't, so be it - I was really starting to like what I saw as of Sunday night but now I'm not so sure anymore. Now I feel that What Will Be Will Be, and I'm fine with that. Oh - I forgot something - something that threw me on Sunday night and had me so excited about him: Little Emma let him pet her! First of all she came out and was playing while we were sitting on the couch. She put her whole head in his shoe at one point, it was so cute! And then, when he was leaving and I was quickly giving him the tour of my place, Emma was curled up on my bed and he walked in and walked toward her and then pet her little head for a couple minutes, and she just stayed there!!! Honestly, this was amazing!!! Every other time someone has even come to the door of the bedroom she's gotten ready to run, and if they start to enter she's gone under the bed in a flash. So for my shy little baby to approve of this guy had my heart going pitter-pat, pitter-pat! So easy for me to get excited about someone sometimes! :) Luckily I don't really care too much anymore. Florida came up with what I said will be my new mantra: No Pedistal, No Penis, Just The Person. It's perfect for me - to get to know just the guy for a little while before lifting him up to a pedistal or getting distracted and fakely close through sex. So that's what I'm going to try to follow from now on. And now that I've had a little talk once, I can do it again! ♥ ♥ ♥Ugh, it's after midnight now and I'm sooooooooooooooooooo sleepy! Every once in awhile I let my eyes close for a few seconds and then I don't want to open them back up again! I got a couple of books for myself today while I was getting books for my friend: The Te of Piglet, and another called The Tao of Inner Peace. I also looked at a couple of books on breathing but I didn't have enough time to really sit down and analyze them. I do want to get a book on breathing exercises, the benefits of breath activities - I don't know much about it all but I'm intrigued and know intuitively that it would be a good thing. And also, one of my biggest physical problems (or maybe physical manifestation of a psychological problem) involves me feeling that I can't get an adequately deep breath that goes to the bottom of my lungs. And once it starts for me, I just keep taking more and more super deep breaths that don't seem to work, and I try to really express all my air and breath deeper, and it becomes so bothersome and stressful then. So learning breathing exercises would probably be very good for me! Fuck, I didn't pack at all tonight or do a quick straightening up, so tomorrow morning I'll have to do all that all the while also getting sad about leaving my babies for four full days. The German will be coming to take care of them for me, but I always miss them when I'm gone, and I feel bad because they love me so much and love being around me and cuddling and getting sweet kitten attention and love. BUT, I'll have fun, and I'll be interviewing my Grandpa a lot for writing his biography, and I'll hang with my parents, and it will be nice I'm sure.
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