Update on my friend, and finally the story about the guy from this weekend!
I've been pretty occupied for the past few days with helping and taking care of my friend. I've gone to visit him for the past two nights after work, and I've taken a whole new approach to my interactions with him - I told him that I would no longer act as an enabler for his fantasies, and instead I'm going tell him how it is even though he doesn't want to hear it - because the only way he's going to get through this is by admitting the truth and fully feeling and dealing with the pain.
I actually feel I've been really effective these past two days and I'm quite proud of myself! I know that sounds so bad for me to say, but I'm figuring out as I go along and today more than just a few times he told me that the psychologist or psychiatrist had said exactly the same thing as I was saying.
I'm leaving tomorrow evening to go to my parents' house for the weekend (which had been planned a few weeks ago) and I feel bad that I won't be able to visit him until Tuesday. So I gave him assignments to do in his free time and I bought him a couple of books. And I'll of course call him every day.
His assignments - 1) to start making a list of all the hurtful and bad things that this selfish girl has done to him (because although he'll sometimes talk about the bad things, he tends to make excuses for them and focus only on the things that give him hope. I told him he needs to get his thoughts organized and writing these things down would release those things from the jumble in his mind, and he can also look back at this list as a reminder in times of weakness and as an indication of the truth of their non-existant and/or completely one-sides faux relationship. And the goal here is for him to able to say the words "it's over" aloud, and really accept it). 2) I brought my dictionary and left it with him, and I've directed him to start doing Gratitude Tuesday but every day (he has such low self-confidence now and for the past three years has tied his entire self-worth and value completely to this woman - so I told him the first step here is just to get him in a more positive mindframe so soon he'll be able to see himself and his world through a grateful and positive perspective). After I left tonight he called and left me a message - he'd told his mom about all we talked about and about the assignments I gave him, and his mother said I was an angel sent by God - that makes me feel so wonderful!
In other news, I'm starting to think my 3-date-guy from last week and weekend, who I'm going to call SoulSearcher, is kind of a tool. I never even got to tell the whole story because of all the drama this week. So I'll try to tell it now but a little shorter than I would have if I'd written earlier than now.
Okay, Friday night - SoulSearcher and his band were playing at a local bar. I got there right at 10, when they were scheduled to start playing, and I had been so nervous about not knowing anyone but luckily a couple who I'd met was there and recognized me right off. We all went to the music area and listened to him play. He had a good voice and I liked the style of the music - many folky songs, a couple bluegrass songs, a few other songs that I couldn't really put into one category. He writes all his own stuff, so it was fun to hear. And I was very impressed! And we made eye contact a number of times during his set, and even winked at me and smiled when I first got there.
After he was finished and had packed up and greeted a couple people, he came over and sat with us, and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. And then was my favorite: for the next probably hour and a half that we stayed at the bar, he gave me all this sweet affection - as he sat right next to me, he'd have his hand on my leg softly rubbing or tracing, or have his hand on my hip or lower back, or be sweetly holding my hand under the table and tracing my fingers or palm. And I was doing all of the same. In that short time it became like a little drug for me, it just felt so incredibly good to feel cherished and wanted and special, and I so loved having someone to sit right next to and get affection from. I'd feel suddenly naked whenever he took his hand away to gesture or read something - I wasn't outwardly needy but damn, it felt so so so good! I just adore affection, I love little touches, little physical contact - and this made me realize how much I miss it.
Then we left and got in his car out front, and made out there for a little while and both got quite horny - I found out on Sunday that he wears a size 13 shoe, and as I could feel on Friday night, with SoulSearcher, the old adage is completely true! :) Oh so tempting!!! BUT, I had purposely not cleaned my apartment at all so I couldn't be tempted to invite him up - and I told him exactly that. He tried a few times to get invited up anyway and assured me that he didn't mind a mess - but I hadn't left just a mess but a disaster so there would be absolutely no way I'd let anyone in! It was the only way I could be sure because otherwise I know how easily I want it all despite earlier decisions to be good.
We still spent quite a bit of time in the car once we got to my place, but before I went inside there was something I wanted to say him - well, that I was nervous to say because I'd never addressed it like this before and am so bad at this kind of thing. But The Meat and I had talked about it earlier in the day and The Meat told me exactly what to say so I had it kind of ready to go in my mind and finally got the nerve just as he pulled up in front of my place (we had parked a little ways away for our making out session).
So I said "Before I go I have to tell you something," and he gave me his full attention (now I can see why he gave me his full attention - that sounded bad!) I was so nervous and told him I hated this kind of thing but The Meat told me I had to do this (it was easier putting a little of the blame off of me). And then: "I sort of recently got out of a relationship that wasn't going anywhere, and it was really hard before I was able to get over it. And where I am now is not wanting something that's just a fuckbuddy thing. I know you and I hardly know each other at all yet, but what I want, as opposed to the fuckbuddy thing, is the possibility of something - I guess a similar mindset as I have - a getting to know each other and the possibility of something besides just fucking. So I just wanted you to know, and before you fuck me you can take that into consideration." And then I covered my face and did some sort of little girly squeal and said "that was so hard!" He told me I was so cute.
So - I feel that I have to justify why I said this. Usually I hate talking about anything difficult, so I just go with the flow. And usually that flow soon leads to sex because I get too carried away to be wise and say no. And then a part of me starts getting attached and I put the guy up on a little pedistal and start feeling not good enough for him. Well, all that is if I actually am liking the guy before all this, because I also dismiss guys very quickly. But if he gets past the dismissal stage and I'm starting to like him and we have sex, I'm in a little bit of trouble and don't then have my full mind. So anyway, this was to try to be good and not demand to know where he is and whether he's possibly looking for a relationship, but just to tell him where I am so that it's put out there. And I'm so proud of myself for doing it! And getting up the guts to say it! You have no idea how hard that kind of thing is for me!
Anyway, we'd earlier, in the car while making out, made plans for him to come over on Sunday evening. I didn't hear from him at all on Saturday which seemed a little odd but I didn't really feel like talking anyway. And on Sunday I cleaned like a madwoman all day, both because I was really into it and because I planned on SoulSearcher coming over. He called in the afternoon to confirm our plans and said he'd be over at 9.
When he got here he kissed me on the cheek and then we sat on the couch and talked for an hour and half, talked about all kinds of things from our cats to religion to our respective families to my alcoholism to his occasional anxiety attacks to his music. We really had a great conversation, and the whole time we were cuddling a little - I had my legs over his so I could keep my toes warm under a pillow, and we were both alternatively lighting rubbing each other's legs, arms, and hands/fingers. It was so nice, comforting, relaxing, and sweet.
And then he brought up what I said in the car on Friday and said he'd been thinking a lot about it since then, because the bad part of him really wanted to fuck me but the good part wanted to be honest and tell me where he was, which is, "just really confused right now." Why? 1) Because his last serious relationship ended nine or ten months ago, they had dated for 2 1/2 years, and at the end she was threatening suicide and suffering severe depression and engaging in a lot of emotional blackmail - so he has this admittedly irrational fear of getting involved again. 2) He just started a new job that he isn't sure how he feels about, he's still tutoring his students and doesn't want to back out on them, he was studying for a little professional exam which took time, and he lately hadn't had enough time for his music which is his "number one priority." 3) Apparently he currently has an on-again-off-again fuckbuddy relationship with a girl (yeah, I know, good to hear that he's fucking some other chick) and he doesn't want to do that to me - especially since I had specificially addressed it and told him I didn't want the fuckbuddy thing.
We had a really good talk about all of those things, and then talked some more afterward about other things for awhile, and then cuddled more and even kissed a little, and we talked about how we'll just hang out now and then and get to know each other slowly and not date. I know he likes me, and not just because he told me, but I also know he's actually surprised at how "cool" and laid-back I am. And there's definitely sexual chemistry. And I was really liking him, too.
After he left I felt really good - I saved myself a lot of heartache there. Because if I hadn't said anything, we would have fucked on Sunday night, and then he would have left and I wouldn't have known what to expect after that and would have started driving myself crazy if he didn't call every day and want to see me again very soon and suddenly start wanting to act just like boyfriend-girlfriend. And it would be so hard to address it and ask the questions after we'd had sex. So I was happy. A little worried that maybe I'd been dumped and didn't really know it, but no, I do know he likes me. And I was also thinking that it would be really cool actually, cause we'd get to know each other and be friends and then he'd realize I'm such a perfect girl and he's madly in love with me!! :)
Now, since Monday morning he's emailed me three times. And by the third one, they're bothering the fuck out of me. They're all pretty short and tell me what he's doing, and then say something about "trying to get perspective in my life" or "taking a break from studying, to get some perspective," or something along those lines. Then he hopes I'm having a good week or had a good day, and "looks forward to hanging out soon", and then his signoff is "Take Care, SoulSearcher". What's up with the "Take Care"? It sounds so formal and distant. I know it's just his normal signoff but I don't like it. And I'm also sick of the "gaining perspective" already - get over it! - we all have problems, we're all learning and dealing with something, but life is waiting. Yes, that sounds harsh, but I've been in that kind of mood all day today. Anyway though, the close to identically-patterned emails are really annoying me now. I didn't respond to the email today because I really saw nothing in there to respond to. If he wants to see me, so be it - he can call and ask me out. If he doesn't, so be it - I was really starting to like what I saw as of Sunday night but now I'm not so sure anymore. Now I feel that What Will Be Will Be, and I'm fine with that.
Oh - I forgot something - something that threw me on Sunday night and had me so excited about him: Little Emma let him pet her! First of all she came out and was playing while we were sitting on the couch. She put her whole head in his shoe at one point, it was so cute! And then, when he was leaving and I was quickly giving him the tour of my place, Emma was curled up on my bed and he walked in and walked toward her and then pet her little head for a couple minutes, and she just stayed there!!! Honestly, this was amazing!!! Every other time someone has even come to the door of the bedroom she's gotten ready to run, and if they start to enter she's gone under the bed in a flash. So for my shy little baby to approve of this guy had my heart going pitter-pat, pitter-pat! So easy for me to get excited about someone sometimes! :) Luckily I don't really care too much anymore.
Florida came up with what I said will be my new mantra: No Pedistal, No Penis, Just The Person. It's perfect for me - to get to know just the guy for a little while before lifting him up to a pedistal or getting distracted and fakely close through sex. So that's what I'm going to try to follow from now on. And now that I've had a little talk once, I can do it again!
Ugh, it's after midnight now and I'm sooooooooooooooooooo sleepy! Every once in awhile I let my eyes close for a few seconds and then I don't want to open them back up again!
I got a couple of books for myself today while I was getting books for my friend: The Te of Piglet, and another called The Tao of Inner Peace. I also looked at a couple of books on breathing but I didn't have enough time to really sit down and analyze them. I do want to get a book on breathing exercises, the benefits of breath activities - I don't know much about it all but I'm intrigued and know intuitively that it would be a good thing. And also, one of my biggest physical problems (or maybe physical manifestation of a psychological problem) involves me feeling that I can't get an adequately deep breath that goes to the bottom of my lungs. And once it starts for me, I just keep taking more and more super deep breaths that don't seem to work, and I try to really express all my air and breath deeper, and it becomes so bothersome and stressful then. So learning breathing exercises would probably be very good for me!
Fuck, I didn't pack at all tonight or do a quick straightening up, so tomorrow morning I'll have to do all that all the while also getting sad about leaving my babies for four full days. The German will be coming to take care of them for me, but I always miss them when I'm gone, and I feel bad because they love me so much and love being around me and cuddling and getting sweet kitten attention and love. BUT, I'll have fun, and I'll be interviewing my Grandpa a lot for writing his biography, and I'll hang with my parents, and it will be nice I'm sure.
