Jumping around blue post
I think I'm going through a bit of depression again. It's not PMS because my period is just ending. And it's not even that I'm sad or crying - it's that I don't have the volition or energy to do any of the things that I want and need to do, I can barely make the effort to do some normal things, and I want to hide inside my apartment and not face anything or anyone.
Today I couldn't wake up enough to get out of bed, and even though I woke for a minute here and there, I would fall asleep again before I could call into work. And when I finally woke up and got up at around 1 p.m., I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone and call in. I haven't wanted to actually talk to anyone all day, or have any communication other than with my babies.
I've spent the late afternoon and evening reading up on template stuff and then working on a new template - I'm just taking my current template and changing things slowly, but I'm working off something at least because there's no way I'd know how to start from scratch. It's starting to look really good, only it's harder than I thought and there is a lot of changing one little thing at a time so I can see what actually changes on the template. It's fun though, when I see things happening! And at least I feel like I did something tonight, and I found it really fun and challenging and interesting as well.
Around 4 p.m. today, I wrote out a bunch of stuff in a very stream of conscious way. Here is some of it, although keep in mind that this was just what was coming into my mind, as opposed to fully formed and developed thoughts:
"I skipped work today. I couldn't wake up, slept until well after noon. Then I've sat on the couch since then. I've researched templates. I can't seem to make myself get up and do the dishes, or clean, or vacuum, or do much of anything. I think I have some definite depression symptoms. Last night I ordered $200 of vitamins from LifeSource. I don't eat healthy - for dinner I often have chocolate, cookies, and cheerios. On Monday I went to the grocery store and got lots of yogurt, some apples and nectarines, and bread and ham so I can make myself sandwiches for lunch. I haven't been able to make any sandwiches yet - Tuesday I woke up too late and today skipped work. I've only had coffee and about 8 chocolate chip cookies today. I've been having my breathing problems a lot over the past couple months or maybe longer. And I always have some drainage down the back of my throat and have to make a disgusting sound to get it out. But it does no good to blow my nose because hardly anything is actually ever in my nose, just in the back of my throat.
The world seems a little blue to me. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out to be with anyone, that maybe I'll be alone my whole life and that'll be okay. I could have one baby on my own. I'm thinking much more about grad school for my MSW [Masters of Social Work]. I don't know what's in my future and I don't know what I want the future to be right now, and it's making me really uneasy and unsettled.
I keep somehow making no effort to stay in touch with anyone. The only people who I want to talk to anytime are The Meat and The German. And usually Florida. I need to call MWFB cause it's been almost two weeks - holy shit, so long - since I've talked to him. And I need to call my grandma, and send my grandpa his card. I need to email a ton of people. But somehow I can never bring myself to do any of that. I also can't seem to bring myself to do anything at all - I have no volition at all. I come home from work and sit on my couch and watch TV and read stuff on the internet and write my blog and that's about it. I haven't even gotten on IM because I don't want to talk to anyone. Except The German.
I never clean, I still haven't hung up all my pictures because it seems like too much effort. I haven't finished painting or even opened the box with my bedframe that came two weeks ago. I also don't want to talk to my mom anymore. After our fight at the cottage and her email, and me seeing that she's just not supportive in some ways and is so judgmental and not open-minded - I just don't have any desire to talk to her and she just annoys me. When she calls me in the morning, I'm usually out of it and wanting to go back to sleep for a few minutes, so I do a good job of pretending I'm all awake and sounding very bubbly and then tell her I need to go get ready because otherwise she goes on and on about stupid things. Then I actually get up when The German calls because he knows me and won't get off the phone until he hears me in the kitchen getting food for the babies.
Everything seems blue and sad and I feel alone but don't seem to mind. James and Emma keep me happy here in my home so I don't feel lonely. But I don't like being down and not having the excitement and happiness in me. I don't like not having any real plan for the future or idea of what I want for the future - both short-term and long-term. I don't like that I don't like law and I can't think of any legal job that I would actually be happy in. And I don't know if I could really do counseling because even though I can be wonderful at helping an individual friend, it's different talking to and helping lots of different people who I don't know and have no background on. And would it depress me, hearing all these people sad? And would I make enough money to support myself? And a child? And if I never get married, will I be able to be comfortable on a social worker's salary? MWFB's therapist is a social worker and does individual counseling and makes plenty of money, but I know it would take awhile to get to that point and there would be a huge learning curve and I'm worried that I'll be good at dealing with people like me - people with relationship issues and depression and alcoholism, but I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to relate to and help the people who have other issues and experiences that I don't have personal experience with. How could I help people in other communities when I don't understand where they're coming from - they'll look at me as the spoiled, lucky, pretty little white girl who has a perfect life, and I'll probably be intimidated by some of these people who have been made hard by the experiences that they've already had. I worry that I'm getting excited by the MSW because it's a way out of law and it's something I can look forward to, and I love learning and school, but I want to make sure that I would actually like working in the area, and also have something to offer and be able to do good and make a difference. And I worry about the money as well because I can't count on being married and having a double income anymore.
I'm going to turn more lights on and look at templates for a little bit and then feed the babies and do the dishes."
So that's some of what's in my mind. And I never did do the dishes, even though I kept telling myself to go do them. I feel kind of numb right now - I'm just going about and doing things but not really doing much and not feeling my normal joy and not seeing my normal light and colors and hope. And I just want to stay inside my apartment with just my babies, and not see or talk to anyone at all. And that's not normal or healthy at all. It's been this way for a couple weeks now, maybe a little longer. The guy I met last Friday called on Sunday night and I didn't answer and haven't been able to bring myself to call him back, because I just don't want to talk to anyone, let alone have some conversation with a new person who I don't know. He called again this evening and left a very nice message and said he'd like to see me and that there's a good music festival and all that. I know I should call him - I will try tomorrow. No, I actually will call him back tomorrow - I'm so bad with never returning calls ever and it's just terrible of me and so rude but I do it all the time. I didn't listen to his message until just an hour ago. And I wouldn't have called him back tonight anyway. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and warm so maybe that will help - but I'm all pale and gross so I don't want it to be too warm so I'm not comfortable in long sleeves. I feel like I have nothing to wear and nothing looks good at all anymore. Tomorrow I'll have to get up earlier because I'll have to shower and get to work on time for me so I can look at what we have up in the late morning. And I want to get up early also so I can have time to make a sandwich for lunch so I can eat better. I will get up tomorrow and go to work, but a part of me wishes today was Friday so I could just sleep in tomorrow and not have to do anything.
Okay, enough stream of consciousness, jumping around. I'm going to bed now. I have a little stomach ache that I've had for the past couple hours but luckily it's not bad, just an irritation, so I think I'll still be able to sleep just fine (I can only sleep well on my stomach). James and Emma have been so wonderful and have spent the whole afternoon and evening right by me on the couch. They're both sleeping here now - James on the pillow next to me and Emma on the cushion above my head. I'll carry them to bed with me now as I always do - they know when it's time for "kitten bed", my sweet little babies! :)
Today I couldn't wake up enough to get out of bed, and even though I woke for a minute here and there, I would fall asleep again before I could call into work. And when I finally woke up and got up at around 1 p.m., I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone and call in. I haven't wanted to actually talk to anyone all day, or have any communication other than with my babies.
I've spent the late afternoon and evening reading up on template stuff and then working on a new template - I'm just taking my current template and changing things slowly, but I'm working off something at least because there's no way I'd know how to start from scratch. It's starting to look really good, only it's harder than I thought and there is a lot of changing one little thing at a time so I can see what actually changes on the template. It's fun though, when I see things happening! And at least I feel like I did something tonight, and I found it really fun and challenging and interesting as well.
Around 4 p.m. today, I wrote out a bunch of stuff in a very stream of conscious way. Here is some of it, although keep in mind that this was just what was coming into my mind, as opposed to fully formed and developed thoughts:
"I skipped work today. I couldn't wake up, slept until well after noon. Then I've sat on the couch since then. I've researched templates. I can't seem to make myself get up and do the dishes, or clean, or vacuum, or do much of anything. I think I have some definite depression symptoms. Last night I ordered $200 of vitamins from LifeSource. I don't eat healthy - for dinner I often have chocolate, cookies, and cheerios. On Monday I went to the grocery store and got lots of yogurt, some apples and nectarines, and bread and ham so I can make myself sandwiches for lunch. I haven't been able to make any sandwiches yet - Tuesday I woke up too late and today skipped work. I've only had coffee and about 8 chocolate chip cookies today. I've been having my breathing problems a lot over the past couple months or maybe longer. And I always have some drainage down the back of my throat and have to make a disgusting sound to get it out. But it does no good to blow my nose because hardly anything is actually ever in my nose, just in the back of my throat.
The world seems a little blue to me. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not cut out to be with anyone, that maybe I'll be alone my whole life and that'll be okay. I could have one baby on my own. I'm thinking much more about grad school for my MSW [Masters of Social Work]. I don't know what's in my future and I don't know what I want the future to be right now, and it's making me really uneasy and unsettled.
I keep somehow making no effort to stay in touch with anyone. The only people who I want to talk to anytime are The Meat and The German. And usually Florida. I need to call MWFB cause it's been almost two weeks - holy shit, so long - since I've talked to him. And I need to call my grandma, and send my grandpa his card. I need to email a ton of people. But somehow I can never bring myself to do any of that. I also can't seem to bring myself to do anything at all - I have no volition at all. I come home from work and sit on my couch and watch TV and read stuff on the internet and write my blog and that's about it. I haven't even gotten on IM because I don't want to talk to anyone. Except The German.
I never clean, I still haven't hung up all my pictures because it seems like too much effort. I haven't finished painting or even opened the box with my bedframe that came two weeks ago. I also don't want to talk to my mom anymore. After our fight at the cottage and her email, and me seeing that she's just not supportive in some ways and is so judgmental and not open-minded - I just don't have any desire to talk to her and she just annoys me. When she calls me in the morning, I'm usually out of it and wanting to go back to sleep for a few minutes, so I do a good job of pretending I'm all awake and sounding very bubbly and then tell her I need to go get ready because otherwise she goes on and on about stupid things. Then I actually get up when The German calls because he knows me and won't get off the phone until he hears me in the kitchen getting food for the babies.
Everything seems blue and sad and I feel alone but don't seem to mind. James and Emma keep me happy here in my home so I don't feel lonely. But I don't like being down and not having the excitement and happiness in me. I don't like not having any real plan for the future or idea of what I want for the future - both short-term and long-term. I don't like that I don't like law and I can't think of any legal job that I would actually be happy in. And I don't know if I could really do counseling because even though I can be wonderful at helping an individual friend, it's different talking to and helping lots of different people who I don't know and have no background on. And would it depress me, hearing all these people sad? And would I make enough money to support myself? And a child? And if I never get married, will I be able to be comfortable on a social worker's salary? MWFB's therapist is a social worker and does individual counseling and makes plenty of money, but I know it would take awhile to get to that point and there would be a huge learning curve and I'm worried that I'll be good at dealing with people like me - people with relationship issues and depression and alcoholism, but I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to relate to and help the people who have other issues and experiences that I don't have personal experience with. How could I help people in other communities when I don't understand where they're coming from - they'll look at me as the spoiled, lucky, pretty little white girl who has a perfect life, and I'll probably be intimidated by some of these people who have been made hard by the experiences that they've already had. I worry that I'm getting excited by the MSW because it's a way out of law and it's something I can look forward to, and I love learning and school, but I want to make sure that I would actually like working in the area, and also have something to offer and be able to do good and make a difference. And I worry about the money as well because I can't count on being married and having a double income anymore.
I'm going to turn more lights on and look at templates for a little bit and then feed the babies and do the dishes."
So that's some of what's in my mind. And I never did do the dishes, even though I kept telling myself to go do them. I feel kind of numb right now - I'm just going about and doing things but not really doing much and not feeling my normal joy and not seeing my normal light and colors and hope. And I just want to stay inside my apartment with just my babies, and not see or talk to anyone at all. And that's not normal or healthy at all. It's been this way for a couple weeks now, maybe a little longer. The guy I met last Friday called on Sunday night and I didn't answer and haven't been able to bring myself to call him back, because I just don't want to talk to anyone, let alone have some conversation with a new person who I don't know. He called again this evening and left a very nice message and said he'd like to see me and that there's a good music festival and all that. I know I should call him - I will try tomorrow. No, I actually will call him back tomorrow - I'm so bad with never returning calls ever and it's just terrible of me and so rude but I do it all the time. I didn't listen to his message until just an hour ago. And I wouldn't have called him back tonight anyway. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny and warm so maybe that will help - but I'm all pale and gross so I don't want it to be too warm so I'm not comfortable in long sleeves. I feel like I have nothing to wear and nothing looks good at all anymore. Tomorrow I'll have to get up earlier because I'll have to shower and get to work on time for me so I can look at what we have up in the late morning. And I want to get up early also so I can have time to make a sandwich for lunch so I can eat better. I will get up tomorrow and go to work, but a part of me wishes today was Friday so I could just sleep in tomorrow and not have to do anything.
Okay, enough stream of consciousness, jumping around. I'm going to bed now. I have a little stomach ache that I've had for the past couple hours but luckily it's not bad, just an irritation, so I think I'll still be able to sleep just fine (I can only sleep well on my stomach). James and Emma have been so wonderful and have spent the whole afternoon and evening right by me on the couch. They're both sleeping here now - James on the pillow next to me and Emma on the cushion above my head. I'll carry them to bed with me now as I always do - they know when it's time for "kitten bed", my sweet little babies! :)
