Musical Monday and Where I've Been :)
I've been in Michigan at my parents' cottage since Thursday night, which is why I've been MIA from writing. I've checked my email, and last night I wrote part of a post, but I haven't had time to sit and really concentrate on writing a whole post. But now I'm making time!!
Tomorrow morning my train back to Chicago leaves at 6:35 a.m. and that's Eastern/Standard time so it's like 5:35 a.m. in Chicago - so.fucking.early!!! I'll take a cab straight to work when I get in and then I have a bunch of stuff to review as soon as I get there. And then I have to stay late to help my boss with a class he teaches. I'm going to be so fucking tired when I get home tomorrow night, and also so so so happy to see my little babies!
So, today has been a good day - very relaxed and laid back, not much to do. I woke up to one of my parents' cats sleeping right next to me, I lazed over a couple cups of coffee and read a photography magazine while looking out over the morning lake, I helped my dad carry the kayak up to the garage, my parents and I took a walk, and we all just finished eating dinner a little while ago and I'm reclined on the couch now with a blanket over me and one of the cats curled into my side - a very nice day! And of course, I also took many many pictures all day and over the whole weekend, but I won't be able to post any for a couple days at least.
Other things from my weekend - I arrived on the train very very late on Thursday night and slept in on Friday. Then my mom and I just hung out all day Friday until my dad got home from work and then the three of us hung out. On Saturday morning my mom and I got in a little fight which I wrote all about last night and I'll include after my little weekend recap.
Anyway, then my mom and I drove back to town and she dropped me off at my grandpa's place for a few hours so I could start getting info for writing my grandpa's biography. My grandpa was completely prepared, and the time went so quickly and so well. I typed so many pages of notes as he talked, and he showed me some old photographs, such as of his chemistry lab in the basement of his house when he was 13 (and he went on to become a chemist). Everything we talked about was just fascinating and I'm so looking forward to talking so much more and getting to work on writing once I get some more information. We're going to talk on weekends and he's also going to get some kind of voice recorder, whether it's with little tiny tapes or whether they have new ones that can use flash drives, I don't know - but I just told him that his voice quality was of course the most important.
After a few hours, my mom and grandma picked us up and we all met my dad at a restaurant so we could celebrate my grandpa's 86th birthday, which was on Thursday. Then we all came back to the cottage and had cake and chatted until about 11:30 p.m., which is especially so so so late for my grandpa! Our "funny" little ongoing joke of the evening: my grandpa noted during dinner that he thought I looked like Ann Coulter, and that I also make the same gestures and talk in a similar way during a debate. My whole family thought this was absolutely hysterical because of course they are all very conservative and Republican, and I'm the opposite. And anyway, I think they're completely wrong. But I will make it a point to watch her now on some talkshow just to make sure that I don't talk and gesture the same way.
Sunday morning we all got up (I slept in of course) and chatted for awhile. Then my dad, grandpa and I went fishing together out on the pontoon boat, although I could only actually fish for about half the time because the stupid sheriff made his first appearance of the summer and drove very slowly all over the lake. I had refused to spend the time and money to go get a fishing license, so I had to just watch my dad and grandpa during that time. But I took a lot of pictures while I waited!
After dinner my mom and I drove my grandparents back home and then came back and didn't do much, which was so nice. I love my grandparents, but when they're here it feels like we have to entertain them and always be talking to them so there's no down time. Also, I sometimes find myself having very little patience with my grandma, which is terrible. She's become so ditzy, anything she says during a conversation that we're all having is usually irrelevant and off-subject or is just exactly repeating a statement that someone else made a minute earlier. I try to always be very patient with her, and I smile and respond to her, but sometime it's so hard. And this weekend was harder than it has been for awhile.
Well okay, so in conclusion, I've had a pretty good long weekend. Two full days were just my mom, dad and I, so that was perfect. Except for my mom acting like a complete bitch and then refusing to take responsibility for it or even admit that she did anything wrong. Which has kept me on and off pissed off at her since Saturday morning. And caused me to very often act coldly because it still really pisses me off.
So now I'll include what I wrote yesterday. Today I'm feeling much less angry than I was last night as I was writing it and reliving it all, which is a very good thing. And sometimes I've been normal to my mom, but other times not as much. She said today that I should be able to forgive someone even if they don't give me an apology - well yes, and I usually do, but she should just GIVE me the apology already!
Oh, and I have to start off by saying that my mom has so many wonderful things about her, and she does so much for me and loves me so much. And I love her so much and appreciate all of her many wonderful qualities. But she also has some bad qualities, as we all do - and a couple of these include needing to be in control of her environment at all times, nagging, and refusing to admit that there's anything wrong with her or that she has done anything wrong. Okay, so with that being said, here's what I wrote yesterday:
I'm tired of being angry and trying to put forth the cold shoulder, but yet I'm still mad so I still can't put it behind me even though I know logically that it's not THAT big of a deal. It's my mom who I'm angry with and this happened about 36 hours ago. This evening I've been being more civil to her but I still don't feel good about it.
On Saturday morning I was dressed after getting out of the shower and was sitting at the dining room table putting my makeup on. I was wearing jeans and a dark red shirt that I wear a lot. The shirt has a diagonal neck so that the lowest point ends just below the top of that boob. It does show some cleavage when I move or when I lean over, but otherwise you don't see cleavage or boobs or anything. And the cleavage isn't outrageous at all, and I completely like the shirt.
She walked over to me for some reason and then stood back and said, "You know, you really shouldn't wear things that show so much skin, things that are so low-cut. It's really indecent." And especially the last sentence she said with a slight hiss in her voice and the sound of horror - "indecent" being such a strong word for her. I told her to back off, I like it and I'm wearing it. So because I didn't agree with her and immediately jump up and change, she turned to attack mode and the following started spewing out of her repetitiously: "It looks really terrible on you. Your friends would never tell you that, but a mother would. It's indecent and looks awful on you. You look terrible. You look awful. It's indecent." You get the point. Throughout her little tirade, I was telling her to "back off", "drop it" and "just because you're so fricking (yes, even in my anger I didn't say "fuck" because it would make her even more angry) puritanical does not mean that you can tell me what to wear and not to wear, and determine what is and what isn't indecent." And when she finally did back off and stop talking for a moment, I said, "You can be such a bitch sometimes," and then she finally walked away.
I was so so so fucking pissed off, and on a few different levels. First, who the FUCK is she to tell me what not to wear and expect me to jump to her command. I'm 30 fucking years old! I know her lack of control is one very big reason that she lashed out because she likes to have almost total control over everything in her environment, even though she would of course deny this because she has a very distorted view of herself and anytime anyone EVER tries to point out any behavior or personality flaws of hers (even in a very calm and helpful manner), she immediately starts attacking that person and starts listing everything that's wrong with that person, no matter how completely irrelevant it is! But so anyway, this control thing pisses the flying fuck out of me! I can do whatever the fuck I want and wear whatever the fuck I want. She can give an opinion of course, which is what she is holding onto as her argument for why she doesn't owe me an apology, but this was not a mere opinion that she was handing out.
Second, who the fuck is she to determine what is and isn't "indecent". Please - has she looked at 95% of the girls under age 22 and seen what they wear every day? Has she seen what outfits female characters on TV and in the movies wear? My dressing, while often suggestive and usually fitted, never makes me feel uncomfortable or as if I'm "indecently" dressed. This shirt, by the way, yes showed a little cleavage at certain angels but it isn't really fitted or tight and is actually really loose in the stomach, and paired with jeans and flipflops was so completely casual and very flattering. And fuck, I can wear whatever the fuck I want!!! But back to the "indecent" - she knows nothing and has never dressed sexy in her life as far as I know, but for her to judge that certain things are appropriate and other things aren't, and that showing any skin is indecent, is just fucking ridiculous. And besides, we are also staying at our cottage - women on the lake are going around in fucking bikinis and she's yelling about me showing a hint of boob?! This reminds me of back in high school, when she used to tell me that I needed to keep "good Christian moral values" - it became a big joke with my friends. And once when she felt that I wasn't wearing a bra (still in high school, and she felt my back before I went out on purpose, I'm sure) and I showed her the sexy little camisole I had bought, she told me that people "always" wear bras under those - which is so completely not true. So anyway, she knows nothing about any of this, but is so quick to judge what I wear as being "indecent".
Third, the attack mode that she employs so often, and the completely rude and purposefully hurting remarks that she makes are SO BEYOND ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. When she gets angry this way, which is about once every six months, she lashes out with completely hurtful comments - obviously trying to hurt me and obviously trying to use that hurt to force the result that she wants. And it pisses the fuck out of me every single time. Usually she does this over the phone so I can just ignore all phone calls and emails, or compose a very logical and calm response email. And she comes around and apologizes for the hurtful remarks at least.
But this time, not only did she do it in person, but she absolutely refuses to see that she did anything wrong, that any of her behavior went too far. She is instead insisting on an apology from me for acting moody towards her since this time. This afternoon I tried making my logical and calm argument - I pointed out the fact that I'm a grown woman who can make my own clothing decisions, I stated that while she may believe something is "indecent", it doesn't make it so. And finally, I told her that her attack on me after I disagreed with her was completely inappropriate and mean and outrageous. And she just started attacking again, said she was only giving her opinion and she can give whatever opinion she wants, and she won't apologize for anything.
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. I am not going to be able to get over this and forgive her and go back to normal until I hear an apology from her for completely overreacting and lashing out. That's what bothers me the most - that because I didn't listen to her, she wanted to beat me down and crush my confidence while wearing that shirt by telling me over and over in a yelling and very mean voice that I looked "terrible" and "awful" in the shirt. It's completely unacceptable behavior and I can't be close to someone who does that and doesn't apologize. She just keeps telling me that I'm in a "grumpy mood" and a "grump". But she won't acknowledge that her behavior is the cause of my "grumpy mood."
I'm all riled still. Writing this just made me more angry again instead of letting me release it. I just can't stand the fact that she would attack me like that for no legitimate reason and at least not feel bad after it. How can she honestly accept NO RESPONSIBILITY for this?! It's so completely outrageous and ridiculous. And my heart won't let her back into my trust and loving behavior until I get an apology and know that she understands why her behavior was wrong.
Okay - so that was what I wrote yesterday. I know everyone has some bad experiences with parents, and I know it'll get better, but I'm going to insist on an apology eventually. After I leave and when I'm back in Chicago, I'll send her an email and lay out what I've just written, but of course without any of the anger in it. She and my dad engage in this behavior very frequently - whenever they fight they both get really angry and say mean things and act terribly, and then a short period of time goes by and they both start acting normally towards each other again. And all with neither of them discussing the issue, neither of them apologizing, and neither of them taking any responsibility. I think that can be unhealthy. I see the complete value in apologizing - and it's very important to me. And especially after my own mother verbally attacks me and tries to beat me down, I will not go on without receiving an apology from her. Yes, I'm a little stubborn, and yes, it sounds like a little thing, especially compared with what some people have experienced with their parents. But I'm still sticking to it.
I know I won't Gratitude Tuesday done for posting even tomorrow night, unless some miracle happens, but I'll try to get that posted on Wednesday, with this week's letter being K! Other than that, I'll be so happy to see James and Emma tomorrow night (The German has been stopping by every day and giving them love and attention, and he even sent me a video that he made of them playing and of James being brushed - so cute! - oh and no, I haven't seen The German since our talk and I don't plan to, but we talk over instant messenger and he loves James and Emma and loves taking care of them). And I'll also be so happy to go to bed tomorrow night! And I'll also be looking through all my hundreds of pictures that I took this weekend and picking out all the best ones!!! :)
And tonight, I'll also be again committing a small crime (that I've already done twice today) and tomorrow morning as I walk out to the car, I'll be stealing something from the neighbor here, and all because I love animals - I'll have a picture and more to say about that tomorrow night.
Tomorrow morning my train back to Chicago leaves at 6:35 a.m. and that's Eastern/Standard time so it's like 5:35 a.m. in Chicago - so.fucking.early!!! I'll take a cab straight to work when I get in and then I have a bunch of stuff to review as soon as I get there. And then I have to stay late to help my boss with a class he teaches. I'm going to be so fucking tired when I get home tomorrow night, and also so so so happy to see my little babies!
So, today has been a good day - very relaxed and laid back, not much to do. I woke up to one of my parents' cats sleeping right next to me, I lazed over a couple cups of coffee and read a photography magazine while looking out over the morning lake, I helped my dad carry the kayak up to the garage, my parents and I took a walk, and we all just finished eating dinner a little while ago and I'm reclined on the couch now with a blanket over me and one of the cats curled into my side - a very nice day! And of course, I also took many many pictures all day and over the whole weekend, but I won't be able to post any for a couple days at least.
Other things from my weekend - I arrived on the train very very late on Thursday night and slept in on Friday. Then my mom and I just hung out all day Friday until my dad got home from work and then the three of us hung out. On Saturday morning my mom and I got in a little fight which I wrote all about last night and I'll include after my little weekend recap.
Anyway, then my mom and I drove back to town and she dropped me off at my grandpa's place for a few hours so I could start getting info for writing my grandpa's biography. My grandpa was completely prepared, and the time went so quickly and so well. I typed so many pages of notes as he talked, and he showed me some old photographs, such as of his chemistry lab in the basement of his house when he was 13 (and he went on to become a chemist). Everything we talked about was just fascinating and I'm so looking forward to talking so much more and getting to work on writing once I get some more information. We're going to talk on weekends and he's also going to get some kind of voice recorder, whether it's with little tiny tapes or whether they have new ones that can use flash drives, I don't know - but I just told him that his voice quality was of course the most important.
After a few hours, my mom and grandma picked us up and we all met my dad at a restaurant so we could celebrate my grandpa's 86th birthday, which was on Thursday. Then we all came back to the cottage and had cake and chatted until about 11:30 p.m., which is especially so so so late for my grandpa! Our "funny" little ongoing joke of the evening: my grandpa noted during dinner that he thought I looked like Ann Coulter, and that I also make the same gestures and talk in a similar way during a debate. My whole family thought this was absolutely hysterical because of course they are all very conservative and Republican, and I'm the opposite. And anyway, I think they're completely wrong. But I will make it a point to watch her now on some talkshow just to make sure that I don't talk and gesture the same way.
Sunday morning we all got up (I slept in of course) and chatted for awhile. Then my dad, grandpa and I went fishing together out on the pontoon boat, although I could only actually fish for about half the time because the stupid sheriff made his first appearance of the summer and drove very slowly all over the lake. I had refused to spend the time and money to go get a fishing license, so I had to just watch my dad and grandpa during that time. But I took a lot of pictures while I waited!
After dinner my mom and I drove my grandparents back home and then came back and didn't do much, which was so nice. I love my grandparents, but when they're here it feels like we have to entertain them and always be talking to them so there's no down time. Also, I sometimes find myself having very little patience with my grandma, which is terrible. She's become so ditzy, anything she says during a conversation that we're all having is usually irrelevant and off-subject or is just exactly repeating a statement that someone else made a minute earlier. I try to always be very patient with her, and I smile and respond to her, but sometime it's so hard. And this weekend was harder than it has been for awhile.
Well okay, so in conclusion, I've had a pretty good long weekend. Two full days were just my mom, dad and I, so that was perfect. Except for my mom acting like a complete bitch and then refusing to take responsibility for it or even admit that she did anything wrong. Which has kept me on and off pissed off at her since Saturday morning. And caused me to very often act coldly because it still really pisses me off.
So now I'll include what I wrote yesterday. Today I'm feeling much less angry than I was last night as I was writing it and reliving it all, which is a very good thing. And sometimes I've been normal to my mom, but other times not as much. She said today that I should be able to forgive someone even if they don't give me an apology - well yes, and I usually do, but she should just GIVE me the apology already!
Oh, and I have to start off by saying that my mom has so many wonderful things about her, and she does so much for me and loves me so much. And I love her so much and appreciate all of her many wonderful qualities. But she also has some bad qualities, as we all do - and a couple of these include needing to be in control of her environment at all times, nagging, and refusing to admit that there's anything wrong with her or that she has done anything wrong. Okay, so with that being said, here's what I wrote yesterday:
I'm tired of being angry and trying to put forth the cold shoulder, but yet I'm still mad so I still can't put it behind me even though I know logically that it's not THAT big of a deal. It's my mom who I'm angry with and this happened about 36 hours ago. This evening I've been being more civil to her but I still don't feel good about it.
On Saturday morning I was dressed after getting out of the shower and was sitting at the dining room table putting my makeup on. I was wearing jeans and a dark red shirt that I wear a lot. The shirt has a diagonal neck so that the lowest point ends just below the top of that boob. It does show some cleavage when I move or when I lean over, but otherwise you don't see cleavage or boobs or anything. And the cleavage isn't outrageous at all, and I completely like the shirt.
She walked over to me for some reason and then stood back and said, "You know, you really shouldn't wear things that show so much skin, things that are so low-cut. It's really indecent." And especially the last sentence she said with a slight hiss in her voice and the sound of horror - "indecent" being such a strong word for her. I told her to back off, I like it and I'm wearing it. So because I didn't agree with her and immediately jump up and change, she turned to attack mode and the following started spewing out of her repetitiously: "It looks really terrible on you. Your friends would never tell you that, but a mother would. It's indecent and looks awful on you. You look terrible. You look awful. It's indecent." You get the point. Throughout her little tirade, I was telling her to "back off", "drop it" and "just because you're so fricking (yes, even in my anger I didn't say "fuck" because it would make her even more angry) puritanical does not mean that you can tell me what to wear and not to wear, and determine what is and what isn't indecent." And when she finally did back off and stop talking for a moment, I said, "You can be such a bitch sometimes," and then she finally walked away.
I was so so so fucking pissed off, and on a few different levels. First, who the FUCK is she to tell me what not to wear and expect me to jump to her command. I'm 30 fucking years old! I know her lack of control is one very big reason that she lashed out because she likes to have almost total control over everything in her environment, even though she would of course deny this because she has a very distorted view of herself and anytime anyone EVER tries to point out any behavior or personality flaws of hers (even in a very calm and helpful manner), she immediately starts attacking that person and starts listing everything that's wrong with that person, no matter how completely irrelevant it is! But so anyway, this control thing pisses the flying fuck out of me! I can do whatever the fuck I want and wear whatever the fuck I want. She can give an opinion of course, which is what she is holding onto as her argument for why she doesn't owe me an apology, but this was not a mere opinion that she was handing out.
Second, who the fuck is she to determine what is and isn't "indecent". Please - has she looked at 95% of the girls under age 22 and seen what they wear every day? Has she seen what outfits female characters on TV and in the movies wear? My dressing, while often suggestive and usually fitted, never makes me feel uncomfortable or as if I'm "indecently" dressed. This shirt, by the way, yes showed a little cleavage at certain angels but it isn't really fitted or tight and is actually really loose in the stomach, and paired with jeans and flipflops was so completely casual and very flattering. And fuck, I can wear whatever the fuck I want!!! But back to the "indecent" - she knows nothing and has never dressed sexy in her life as far as I know, but for her to judge that certain things are appropriate and other things aren't, and that showing any skin is indecent, is just fucking ridiculous. And besides, we are also staying at our cottage - women on the lake are going around in fucking bikinis and she's yelling about me showing a hint of boob?! This reminds me of back in high school, when she used to tell me that I needed to keep "good Christian moral values" - it became a big joke with my friends. And once when she felt that I wasn't wearing a bra (still in high school, and she felt my back before I went out on purpose, I'm sure) and I showed her the sexy little camisole I had bought, she told me that people "always" wear bras under those - which is so completely not true. So anyway, she knows nothing about any of this, but is so quick to judge what I wear as being "indecent".
Third, the attack mode that she employs so often, and the completely rude and purposefully hurting remarks that she makes are SO BEYOND ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. When she gets angry this way, which is about once every six months, she lashes out with completely hurtful comments - obviously trying to hurt me and obviously trying to use that hurt to force the result that she wants. And it pisses the fuck out of me every single time. Usually she does this over the phone so I can just ignore all phone calls and emails, or compose a very logical and calm response email. And she comes around and apologizes for the hurtful remarks at least.
But this time, not only did she do it in person, but she absolutely refuses to see that she did anything wrong, that any of her behavior went too far. She is instead insisting on an apology from me for acting moody towards her since this time. This afternoon I tried making my logical and calm argument - I pointed out the fact that I'm a grown woman who can make my own clothing decisions, I stated that while she may believe something is "indecent", it doesn't make it so. And finally, I told her that her attack on me after I disagreed with her was completely inappropriate and mean and outrageous. And she just started attacking again, said she was only giving her opinion and she can give whatever opinion she wants, and she won't apologize for anything.
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. I am not going to be able to get over this and forgive her and go back to normal until I hear an apology from her for completely overreacting and lashing out. That's what bothers me the most - that because I didn't listen to her, she wanted to beat me down and crush my confidence while wearing that shirt by telling me over and over in a yelling and very mean voice that I looked "terrible" and "awful" in the shirt. It's completely unacceptable behavior and I can't be close to someone who does that and doesn't apologize. She just keeps telling me that I'm in a "grumpy mood" and a "grump". But she won't acknowledge that her behavior is the cause of my "grumpy mood."
I'm all riled still. Writing this just made me more angry again instead of letting me release it. I just can't stand the fact that she would attack me like that for no legitimate reason and at least not feel bad after it. How can she honestly accept NO RESPONSIBILITY for this?! It's so completely outrageous and ridiculous. And my heart won't let her back into my trust and loving behavior until I get an apology and know that she understands why her behavior was wrong.
Okay - so that was what I wrote yesterday. I know everyone has some bad experiences with parents, and I know it'll get better, but I'm going to insist on an apology eventually. After I leave and when I'm back in Chicago, I'll send her an email and lay out what I've just written, but of course without any of the anger in it. She and my dad engage in this behavior very frequently - whenever they fight they both get really angry and say mean things and act terribly, and then a short period of time goes by and they both start acting normally towards each other again. And all with neither of them discussing the issue, neither of them apologizing, and neither of them taking any responsibility. I think that can be unhealthy. I see the complete value in apologizing - and it's very important to me. And especially after my own mother verbally attacks me and tries to beat me down, I will not go on without receiving an apology from her. Yes, I'm a little stubborn, and yes, it sounds like a little thing, especially compared with what some people have experienced with their parents. But I'm still sticking to it.
I know I won't Gratitude Tuesday done for posting even tomorrow night, unless some miracle happens, but I'll try to get that posted on Wednesday, with this week's letter being K! Other than that, I'll be so happy to see James and Emma tomorrow night (The German has been stopping by every day and giving them love and attention, and he even sent me a video that he made of them playing and of James being brushed - so cute! - oh and no, I haven't seen The German since our talk and I don't plan to, but we talk over instant messenger and he loves James and Emma and loves taking care of them). And I'll also be so happy to go to bed tomorrow night! And I'll also be looking through all my hundreds of pictures that I took this weekend and picking out all the best ones!!! :)
And tonight, I'll also be again committing a small crime (that I've already done twice today) and tomorrow morning as I walk out to the car, I'll be stealing something from the neighbor here, and all because I love animals - I'll have a picture and more to say about that tomorrow night.
