Just to thank the people who read this!! Thank you!!!!!
This will be short, but I just want to say how honored I am that anyone reads this. And I so appreciate it and would love to hear from you! Especially the people from Germany and Spain!!! And from the other countries who have hosted a reader!!! I know I've mentioned how much I love Europe! I just want you to know that, even if I never hear anything, I love that you read this! It makes me feel wonderful!!! Guten Abend! Y Hola! I am going to try to find how I can set up that anyone can email me, so that I can hopefully hear from people. Stay tuned...:)
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I'm a Fisherwoman!!! (As long as someone throws them all back in!)
I went fishing again today with The Meat, and this time I caught three, yes THREE, fish!!! I was so excited!!! I still AM so excited!!! First I caught two Goby's - which The Queen says are worthless since they aren't natural to Lake Michigan. But that was because of some people way back when, bringing them over from Asia or something like that. But it ISN'T the fault of the Gobies I caught! The Meat usually throws the Gobies that he catches onto the cement for the seagulls to get. But then the poor fish either dies of suffocation or is eaten alive! That's so terrible!!!!!!! He threw my first Goby over like that but I looked at the poor thing struggling to breath and MADE him go get it and throw it back in the water. I really would have picked it up myself and saved it if he had waited three seconds longer. That is just so mean! So he didn't argue with me about the next two Gobies that we caught, one each, and he nicely returned them to the water. The first picture here (on the right) is of one of the Gobies we caught!!! It's so cute!!!We fished for probably close to two hours. He actually handed me the rod all the time, so that I fished much more than him. He wanted me to experience it. I got pretty good at casting out, if I don't say so myself :) I was able to consistently get pretty far out. And The Meat said that my technique was improving fast! So, after all that time and catching three Gobies total, The Meat told me to cast out once more and then we'd take off. And I caught a Rock Bass!!! How exciting is that!!! I reeled it in, at least to the top of the water, but then The Meat had to grab the line and pull it up. It seemed way heavier on the line than it was when I held it - yes, I didn't mention that I HELD IT! Just with my thumb and first finger, and for a picture, but still, it was the first time I've held a fish! I felt cool! I named it 'Rocky' before I threw it back in! I hope Rocky is having a good night and doesn't fall for the fake worm again :) Oh - and the second picture (on the left) is a closeup of me holding Rocky!Now for the update on the porn script! We have a couple wonderfully cheesy and suggestive names so far: Richard "Dick" Gazinja (and just in case anyone doesn't know, the "j" is pronounced like a "y" - and then it's very Eastern European!) and Helen Bedd. I like! Oh, and possibly a girl with the last name of 'Head' - who makes a mistake in her law school class and asks the teacher if there's anything she can do for extra credit. "Well, Ms. Head...."I saw MWFB right when The Meat and I got back from fishing!!! I had ALMOST missed him, so the timing was so perfect! I showed him the picture of me holding the fish and it took awhile for him to believe it. I had to show him more than one picture, and swear that it was really me holding a live fish! He's so funny, I LOVE when I see him, and especially when he suddenly drops by! It makes my whole day, seriously!!! I walked him downstairs and we chatted and laughed, and gave each other hugs goodbye - I still always get the hug wrong, cause I'm used to going over - around the neck - but with him, he has to go over and I have to go under, and then he's so silly and does a silly leg hook!! Have I mentioned how he makes me laugh!!!! He's just wonderful!!!And then, I hung out for a bit with The Meat and The Queen, and then Florida Girl and Mr. Asparagus came by - they were helping The Meat out with a class. I wanted to hang out with them a little more, but they had to prepare. And silly Mr. Asparagus was so serious about it - highlighting stuff in the fact scenario and reading it over in another room so he wasn't distracted - he makes me laugh!!! Still, it was fun seeing them for a bit. I so miss having Florida Girl around every day. I am still in withdrawal (sp?). I miss her! But I like that I can call her anytime and she's happy to talk to me and not too boringly busy. :) They are going to have no choice but to hang out with me now and then! No choice!!! And I will gladly go to a bar and watch football with them anytime - I love that!!! Or just watch football with them at their place, even though I may get tipsy, and happily so. For hints to them when they read this - I'll watch football or any other sport, I'll go out to Fitzgerald's, since I've wanted to go for a year now, or I'll do anything else fun or even not fun! :) I just like hanging out with them sometimes, since I have so much fun being with them!! But, also for them - I hope I don't sound like an obsessive stalker here! Cause I'm not, I swear! I just love you both! And you're my friends!Tonight, when I was almost home, Warsteiner called. I let it go to voicemail and called him back when I got home. He sounded so down. He worked almost the whole weekend. He stayed there all night on Friday and on Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m., he slept for two hours and then continued working the rest of the day. And it was the same thing on Saturday night, except he went home for a few hours. The big change-over was supposed to happen over the weekend, but he said that when they were all finished and the bigwigs came to look at it and test it, they didn't like part of it somehow, so now they have to do a lot of it all over again, just in some different way. So now, according to him, they should have it ready on Friday and then have all weekend to test and perfect it. I asked him about five times whether he was FOR SURE coming to the Sox game with me on Friday, and he assured me, unconditionally, that he was coming and so so so looking forward to it. He sounded so down and blue. I told him I would kidnap him if he even thought of standing me up. But I don't think that will be necessary. I think he'll come, and be so excited about it. He needs some fun and a night out!It has been only two and a half weeks since I've had sex. It seriously seems like so much longer...
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My new plan!!!
The sunsets at my parents' cottage in Michigan are always so gorgeous. I just thought I'd share two of my favorite pictures, even though they are from two years ago. Here, the sun starting to go down...look at the gorgeous colors and the reflections! And now it's almost down. The colors and clouds are just amazing!!! Sunsets are so amazing, they make me feel so alive!Hmmm, okay there's my little meditation on the beauty of nature! Here is now a fun little part of my instant messaging with The German today: ...The German: I'm becoming a collector [of porn, which is so true] and the world will flock to me for access to my library Caterpillar: haha! Caterpillar: you'll have all things Rocco The German: That and more Caterpillar: well, you are my supplier certainly! The German: Indeed. You should get your silly computer fixed because I have many more CDs The German: But I'm also going to get started with copying the VHS tapes and then pass them on to you. Caterpillar: that's always good. My computer is working well for the moment, and has been for the past week! Maybe I'll put in the German porn tonight! The German: Oh, ok. Very good. Tell me how it works. I have at least 50 CDs for you Caterpillar: Mmmmmm! The German: Learn some German dirty talk. Nasty = Verdorben Caterpillar: I like it! Verdorben! Caterpillar: I'm writing it down now The German: your teacher will be impressed The German: verdorbene Hure - nasty whore The German: [big smile] Caterpillar: I like that, too!! I want to be called that during verdorben sex! The German: Haha! Tell the [bosses] Caterpillar: no no no! The German: OK, on your birthday, or when we make the babies if I'm hired as a donor Caterpillar: okay!!! The German: [silly face] The German: If you like it you'll conceive easier The German: we'll discuss this later, silly tigress The German: [kissy face] The German: [kissy face] The End. Hmmm, he seems to have it in his mind about helping me get pregnant. When he says things like that it makes me feel close to him. And that he might be starting to like the idea of giving me children therefore having his own children in the world therefore being a normal person might not be so bad and therefore maybe he'd like being married and being a dad! Do ya see how my twisted logic gets started!!! That was all just a joke, at least the last two parts of the last sentence. I just have to remember that in the last IM conversation, he said he'd gladly help by being a donor, but not "help raise the brats" because he "will be far away" - his plan is to buy a sailboat eventually and just sail around by himself. Must remember all that!!!! I got Mystic Tanned tonight! At least while it's still summer, I feel so much better being a little tan!! I meant to fully clean my place tonight. To do the massive piles of laundry that are threatening to collapse at any moment and trap me in my bedroom. To vaccuum up the enormous amount of baby kitten hair that's settled into every spare space in my apartment and that floats around whenever I sit down or move. I did manage to clean my kitchen and, so hard, put all the dishes in the dishwasher. Yay me! The rest I'll do tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow, first thing after work! And once my place is clean, I can then call the maintenance guy to replace the couple light bulbs that are out - including the one over my dining room table. The last time I mentioned going back on Match, I was pissy and pms-y. However, I'm considering it again now. Because, even though I like Warsteiner, I just don't think he's The One. Which means that I don't have any possible prospect for being The One. Hmmm. I think I will! I'll want to rewrite the profile and change some of the pictures from when I was last on a long time ago, but I think I'll go start working on it right now!! I'm also thinking about going to either a single's margarita speed dating event or a single's bartending lesson. Certain people will know how I heard about them. I'm not sure which one would be better/and/or more fun. Anyway, with Match, before it was such work. But I've decided that for now I won't sit around and spend hours looking at all the various guys. I'll just see who emails me, check them out, and if I'm interested, then I'll email them. I'm not going to make a huge deal out of it. But who knows, maybe I will meet some cool people, and maybe I'll meet someone who I'll love. I guess we'll see!!!
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Legal porn, sleep, bbq, and more sleep
I was just talking to The Meat about how easy it would be to write porn scenarios set in the legal field, and how The German, MWFB and I have found many hilariously cheesy sayings that would fit perfectly into the tiny bit of script needed. He agreed, and said he didn't want to start or else before long he'd have a whole script written, along with music for every scene. Then he told me a story that a friend of his had told him when they were both horny 14-year-olds. It turned me on. The story, as well as how he told it to me. Yesterday I slept until 2:30 - yes, I can sleep very well. It's an acquired skill, I'm thinking, but I've gotten really good at it. And then I started reading the 6th Harry Potter book - and read until 2 a.m. and until page 450. So I have only 200 pages left! Which I will hopefully finish tonight! It's so good, I don't want to put it down! And on Saturday, Violet and Uganda's barbeque was a resounding success! Such a perfect number of people and good mix of people, and two dogs as well! Everyone had a wonderful time! And good food as well! And I got to be the photographer!!! I love when someone asks me to take pictures, because then I have a perfect excuse for snapping away at everyone! I posted the pictures online this afternoon for everyone to see. Two of the bbq-goers, a boyfriend and girlfriend, had traveled through Europe (separately) and the guy had lived in Germany for a year during college. So I talked to them for a really long time and we re-lived our wonderful European vacations, and they spoke a little German to me which made me realize how much I've forgotten over the past couple months, and how nervous I am about speaking any of it as well. At the bbq, one of the guys brought the game of Cornhole - I had to google that since at the bbq I referred to it as 'the beanbag game'. The game just sounds sexual, as you hear such things as "let's play two on two," "try to get it in the hole", and "don't hit my bags"! I had fun with those little sayings! So anyway, the night was fun! And I was so exhausted by 11:30. It was very unlike me. No wonder I slept until 2-effing-30 on Sunday and wasted the whole day! Okay, I have nothing else, it's been a boring yesterday and today. Maybe later I'll post some of my instant message convo with The German.
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A Dirty Dick's Night
I had the most fun night last night! I met Florida Girl at her office and got to see her new office digs, and then we took the L to her home and talked and petted the two kitty babies while we waited for Mr. Asparagus to get home from golfing. After Florida Girl determined that he wasn't too stinky, we walked to the most wonderful little neighborhood pub. I can't remember the name of it even though I've been told five times now. It was on a quiet little street, and had a small, quaint and so cute little outdoor area. We sat in a little corner outside under a beautiful tree. It was just perfect! The place has an amazing selection of beer and wonderful food, too. Florida Girl sipped on red wine, and I ordered the same beers as Mr. Asparagus, since he is an expert in beer and a true beer connoisseur. At the left is the first beer we ordered, and we all had many laughs throughout the night regarding the name! Although we're not sure exactly how he got the nickname "Dick" from his real name - Nathaniel Bentley. I love hanging out with the two of them. We always have such fun! During dinner, we shared some hilarious and very embarrassing stories regarding poo, shit, or whatever you want to call it. I'd never told my most embarrassing story before, but I shared with them! I will not be sharing it on here! Mr. Asparagus's poo story had me crying though, I was laughing so hard!! And every time I think of it now I can't stop smiling, just picturing it!!! We also talked again about one of Mr. Asparagus's best friends in the world. They both think the two of us would be perfect for each other. Only problem, he's currently living for a year in Armenia. And before that he was living in various European countries. However, he's maybe coming back to the States soon! I tried, by the way, to get the two of them to want to go visit this guy in Armenia so I could tag along. I'd love to see Armenia!!! But it was a no go. They couldn't be convinced, not in the slightest. Anyway, this guy should come back! And come to Chicago!! And I could start wearing really tall heels at all times, since he's 6'8"! It looks absolutely gorgeous outside! I did not go on my walk this morning. I slept instead. Tonight is Violet and Uganda's barbeque!! Eventually I'll have to get off my ass to go get stuff for the appetizer I'm going to make. I'm just going with my normal and favorite, baked brie, even though it's not exactly barbeque food. But it's sooooooooooo good! However, first I'm going to lay here on the couch for awhile longer and start reading the 6th Harry Potter that I borrowed from Florida Girl!! And then eventually get in the shower and do all that stuff. Oh, and Warsteiner called last night and we had a good talk. He's coming with me to the White Sox game next Friday, and also wants to see me early next week. So that's nice!
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The German
I was just instant messaging with The German: Caterpillar: I think [name deleted] might be pregnant! Caterpillar: she said she's not drinking alcohol right now Caterpillar: and I sent back an email asking if she was pregnant and in her response she didn't deny it! Caterpillar: I'll be so excited for her if she is! But at the same time feel bad because it's never going to happen for me. I'm going to have to end up getting artifically inseminated The German: What the hell are you talking about??? Caterpillar: I'm 29 and have no prospects! And I don't want to have a baby when I'm 40! The German: Well, if all else fails Captain Schwein [I call him the schwein or kampfschwein] will help out (but not to raise the brats) The German: He'll be far away Caterpillar: of course, I've already thought of that. You would be my first choice of sperm donor The German: [face with hearts coming out of it] Caterpillar: since you have brains and the dark skin and are good looking The German: But, seriously, don't be silly. You will find somebody, or somebody will find you Caterpillar: well I hope so, but he better get his ass in gear finding me. All my friends are starting to have babies and it's making me feel bad The German: Well, your friends just settled for whoever they were with. You have higher standards. And you should! Caterpillar: I know. But actually, all of them are really happy and are all completely in love, and have great marriages that I'd like to emulate The German: Thanks by the way about you thinking of the schwein as donor. Of course, I know your first choices will be the Meat and Queen, together. So their mixed [deleted] juice is double potent Caterpillar: oh you are so nasty! The German: Moi??? The German: [innocent face] Caterpillar: yes, toi! I can just see it now, if I used your sperm, my little boy or girl would be trying to watch porn at age 2! Caterpillar: By the way, I definitely didn't get the [job I wanted]. The lawyer who is a regular here and who called and recommended me because he knew [name deleted] just stopped in to deliver a courtesy copy and he didn't make eye contact with me. Before he'd always stop by and ask if I'd heard anything. Caterpillar: he must not know what to say The German: ohhh. I'm sorry tigress! But you have some better prospects already! Caterpillar: like what? Rocco? Caterpillar: I don't think so The German: [silly face] The German: You knew it! Caterpillar: yes, I know your mind The German: Well, don't make assumptions yet. Wait what [Tivo] says Caterpillar: I will, but I'm pretty certain. It's Friday, and last week she was told that someone would most likely be hired this week The German: Well call her if you want and see what she says. Tell her that you prefer to know anything, even if it's bad The German: Maybe they still didn't hire anybody. And the lawyer just doesn't know anything... The German: I must go. Maybe we speak later, Tigress The German: [Kissy face and a hugging face] Caterpillar: [Kissy face] The German: bye until later, silly one The end. I swear, he is the guy I will never completely get over. Notice that while he tells me he wouldn't help raise the child, he still sends kissy faces and makes me feel so special. On Tuesday, instead of going to the Wiener Circle, we went to Chili Mac's for hot dogs and the best margaritas ever. We chatted the whole way and were having a great time. When we were almost there, in the context of another story, he mentioned a friend (girl) who came to his place a few months ago and a guy who worked there asked about her later. Me: "Who was she?" He: "Just a friend." Me: "Are you dating her? Did you hook up with her? Do you see her regularly?" (can you hear the jealousy in my voice?). He: "Tigress, she's just a friend, I don't even think I've seen her since then, and she hasn't come over since, and only that one time. You have nothing to worry about." We had a very fun little dinner and margarita-drinking session. This place makes huge margaritas that are just perfect in every way! He's not a big drinker, so we just have one margarita each every time we go. I told him I didn't think I was going to get the job I want, and he said I have a backup in Rocco - the director, writer, and star of his own porn films. He does make some of the best porn I've seen! And he always uses random girls, never porn stars. So our joke has always been that I can get nasty with Rocco on film if all else fails. Hence, my comment about it in our instant messaging above. On the walk home, he mentioned that when his lease expires this October, he's going to move. He'll have been living in the Hancock for two years, on the 61st floor, looking north all along Lake Shore Drive, Lincoln Park, the beach, and Lake Michigan. It's a fabulous view, but not a great area. It's all tourists along Michigan Ave or big shoppers, and the majority of the residents in the area are over age 60. He said he'd like to live somewhere different and unique, like Lincoln Square, St. Ben's area, or maybe even Logan Square. I was immediately feeling hurt. The whole subject just raised bad feelings for me. I said, "whereever you move, you better make sure I can get there easily!" A little background. Okay, the whole story. We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. It was how we met. We'd both moved in almost four years prior, but only met that final year, in March 2003. We were both leaving in the morning a couple times, and we walked together to the bus stop (we each went opposite ways after that). I thought he was weird. He walked too fast, he talked too fast, he seemed just odd. Sometime after that, I heard a knock on my door and I peeked through the peekhole and saw him standing there, with a bottle of wine. My place was disgusting and I hadn't showered nor dressed the whole day, and was just nasty. So I didn't answer. However, a few days later I was quite drunk and knocked on his door. He invited me right in and got me a beer, and we talked, and he put a movie on. All this is foggy for me. He told me later that I suddenly attacked him, and we hooked up nicely. The next morning I woke up completely groggy and we hooked up again. And then he cooked me breakfast and we talked more and he told me how interesting I was and how unlike the normal American. (Have I mentioned that he's German!) I still thought he was very odd. A couple days later, he put a postcard under my door on which he said he'd like to see me and he'd be at the coffee house for the next couple hours, if I wanted to meet him. I didn't. I wasn't sure about this very weird man. But I did leave a message on his machine to tell him why I didn't go there. I think it was that afternoon that he called me and said he had something for me. I again hadn't showered and was all greasy and gross, and I told him so. He said he'd gotten me flowers and he'd leave them outside my door, and promised not to be peeking when I opened my door. I called him after that and thanked him, and we chatted a little. I think it was at this time that I was given two free tickets to a Bulls game, and great seats. I invited him, because I couldn't think of anyone else to invite. He accepted (which is a heartwarming thing for me, because I now know that he despises sports and never watches sports, goes to games, or has any interest, and is quite stubborn about keeping it that way). He brought his camera and was taking pictures all over the place. And he bought us beer and hot dogs. He was just very odd, but I couldn't place my finger on what was odd about him. He was very, I don't know, quick or something. He'd suddenly say, "shall we go buy beer?" and we'd go. Or "I'll make (yes, he's from Germany) a picture of that," and then try forever to get a perfect picture of it. But we had fun, even though I was still very much not sure of him. After that he called me after work each day for a few days and had me come over for dinner. He'd whip up something wonderful, while we listened to some cool and very different music - nothing even remotely popular. And we'd watch some very good movies. And mostly talk about things. About the world, about politics, about American politicians, about travel...he was so knowledgeable about so many things, and I was becoming so intrigued by that. Oh yes, the first Friday night dinner, when he made plans with me and cooked a really nice meal and served wine and all that. This was before I was becoming intrigued, and was still unsure, but leaning toward not having a relationship with him. Before I went over, I had decided that I wouldn't hook up with him, and I'd nicely say at the end that I enjoyed the night but I "had to go home now." We ate, and drank some wine, and talked, and talked, and drank some wine, and talked. And then after dinner and after dessert, he put on different music and pulled me up to dance. I was thinking very consciously at the time, "I need to leave now, how do I extricate myself now?" And then we were dancing, and he pressed me close to him, and I felt the little bolt run down my spine to my, how do you say, nether regions. And then he kissed me, and the bolt ran even stronger. And then he laid me down on the futon (he's German, and his place, still, is furnished very, very sparsely!) and went down on me, with mouth, and with fingers in both pussy and ass. I was in heaven and wild. And hot for him. So anyway, he grew on me slowly. I was seeing him every day, either for dinner or just for a beer later, while watching a movie, or just watching him play his video games (I'm a very giving and good girlfriend! And I actually do enjoy watching guys play video games - of course, the more interesting kinds, like Vice City). Things just grew from there. I bought rollerblades, something so unlike me, and we went to the parking lot so I could learn. He took pictures of me learning and videoed me rollerblading, and put them on the internet for my parents to see. He taught me about digital cameras and putting pictures in online albums for everyone to see. He taught me about downloading music. We saw each other every day. He'd make me breakfast, and make me dinner, and I'd try to help him with dinner. He taught me a lot about cooking. We also watched a lot of great movies together. I've always been a fan of independent and foreign films. We watched some that I'd never seen. And he also introduced me to some other movies, two that I can think of are Koyaanisqatsi and Nagoygatsi, and also to the movies of Leni Riefenstahl, from her film on the 1936 Olympics in Berlin (I think that was the year) to the gorgeous underwater she films she made while in her 80's and 90's. Soon we were spending almost every night together, and definitely seeing each other every day. I told him I was thinking of getting two kittens and asked whether he liked kittens. He said he had no problem with them, but I should do as I liked. A couple days later, I adopted my little James and Emma, then just 8 weeks old! He came over that night and took tons of pictures of them, and was generally so good with them. I was so happy! It was summertime and we'd spend each weekend at the pool at the top of our building. We'd take pictures together, swim together, sit next to each other and read books or the paper. We'd go walking to the zoo and look at the tigers and lions (my favorites) and the pigs (his favorites). We'd walk along the lake. We'd walk around the city. He got me out, he went places with me, he loved being with me, he loved my kittens. I was so happy. I had hardly any real dating experience, as in boyfriend-girlfriend experience, prior to this. In high school, I had a boyfriend for seven months in my junior year. And then in senior year of high school, all through college, and first year of law school, I dated one guy. I broke up with him finally, it was so hard, because although he was my best friend, I just didn't have the loving, romantic feelings any longer. I'd grown away from him. After that I went through a long hard time, looking to guys for affirmation, using sex to feel wanted and needed. I had issues. I liked a couple of guys during this time, but they never were as into me, at least not enough to be boyfriend-girlfriend. In 2002 I met a guy in a bar and he called me. We went out for a date, my first real date. He was an almost politican - he had won the primary (in the burbs) so was guaranteed to win the election because of his party. He just had to wait until November for the elections. He's a state representative now. He also had been a pilot formerly, and was at the time working for his very rich father and a couple other very rich friends, investing their money. I was kind of blown away and loved learning from him. I saw a little, but completely ignored, his shallowness. Looking back, he wasn't the smartest guy. And he liked the idea of power. But he took me to great and expensive restaurants and places I hadn't been before. So it was fun and interesting. And I learned from it. During our seven-month whatever-you'd-call-it, I found out that he wasn't actually divorced like he'd told me on our first date. He was in the process of getting a divorce, but the details weren't all ironed out yet. I found this out by meeting his wife. I had told The Politician that I wanted to volunteer, and he was the one who pointed me towards my current volunteer organization. I called, and they were having a wine party fundraiser in November, so I signed up and paid to go. The Politician couldn't make it that night. It was fun, and I drank a lot of wine. After the party ended, a bunch of the younger people went to a nearby bar. I was walking with a girl and guy and chatting. When we got there, we kept talking, and I asked where they lived. They said [certain suburb] and I said "my boyfriend lives there!" And they asked his name and I said [The Politician], and the girl said, "That's my husband!" And I said "Holy fucking shit!" - that was my actual direct quote! Then I decided to make sure and quizzed her as to her name and the names of her kids. All matched. Holy fucking shit indeed! She walked away soon after that and her boyfriend was very nice and helped relax me. I called The Politician then, drunk, first in amazement at who I'd met. And then I called again (all of these were messages left) to express my anger that he had lied to me about being divorced! Anyway, things continued lightly, with me seeing him once or twice a week, and thinking that I was his girlfriend and I'd eventually meet his kids and maybe be a step-mom. I even bought a stupid book on being a step-mother. Sometimes I'm amazed by my stupidity. We broke up right before he took office. I realized that I was just his little fling in the city. And he didn't have time anymore, since he had become so cool and was going to Springfield all the time. I was devastated. I can't believe how stupid that was! Anyway, that was my dating experience prior to The German. So, he was wonderful, he was interesting, he was different, he was foreign, he was so good looking and tall and just naturally muscular, even though he never worked out. And he cuddled with me, and held me, and was so sweet. I have never been good at the talks, or the confrontations, or anything relating to conflict. So I never talked to him about the future or anything at all. I just went with the happy flow of Us. I should have seen it earlier. First, his previous relationship. He had dated her for four years. Why did they break up? Because he didn't want to move in together and move the relationship forward. He told me, at the beginning, that "he didn't know if he wanted to get married and/or have children." I saw this all as: he didn't want to move in WITH HER, and he didn't want to get married to or have children WITH HER. Now, someone from the outside or with more experience would probably have known early on that there was no real chance for The German and I - me idealistic and in love, him, well, just him. But even as he'd say certain things, like his questioning ever getting married, he'd also be so loving and so affectionate, and a couple times he'd even say little things about "our kids" - yes, so I wasn't completely insane and reading things that weren't there. However, there was one time, in September 2003, when I came back from a weekend at my parent's place, when I told him on my bed, "I love you," and he said "Thank you," and hugged me so close and tight. Oh how I wish I could go back and slap myself!!! Slap myself awake to the truth!!! So, on the night of December 7, 2003, after we'd spent the day together and decided that I'd meet him in Costa Rica for a week in January, and I'd called my mom and she'd made the plane reservations for me, The German came back over, and buzzed up. I was happy and confused as to why he'd come back. He hugged me and then said, and I will never forget these words, "I come not with good news." My whole world was about to fall apart. He broke my heart that night. He told me that he didn't love me the way that I loved him. That he did love me, but more like a sister. And that I was so important to him. And the best person he'd ever known. And so special to him. But he didn't want to lead me on, or make me waste years of my life on him. My heart was, I'm serious, cracked in half. I hurt all over. I couldn't stop crying, and my whole body just hurt. He held me, and he cried, too. He said he felt the worst he'd ever felt, like a monster, hurting someone like me. He held me for forever. And then he left. I took two days off work. It was awful, I can't even begin to explain. My whole self just hurt, I was lost, I was dying, I was in physical pain. He came over every day after work to hold me and answer more of my hurt questions, and just be there for me. He actually helped me so much, because I only wanted to be with him, even though he was the one who had broken my heart. For a week we spent a lot of time together, much with me crying and with him being so good to me. He bought me a wonderful pair of work pants that weekend for my Christmas present. And the next day he left for his four week vacation in Nicaragua and Panama. On his vacation, he emailed me regularly, usually every other day. He was so sweet. I have all his emails. I have a [The German] file in my file cabinet with those emails and the emails he sent me in the days just after breaking up with me. I also have a few of our instant message conversations saved; most recently, the conversation today. Anyway, he was very good to me, with emailing me. And he had promised me that he wouldn't hook up with anyone on vacation. Which I know he kept. By the way, his main reason with breaking up with me was that he is just not someone who ever wants to get married or have children. He wants to just be alone and sort of float through life. And he really is weird. He's one of those few people who somehow just don't have normal human emotions. He doesn't develop the normal human feelings, deep feelings, with anyone. And doesn't need anyone. He's perfectly happy doing everything by himself. He dreams of getting a sailboat in a few years and just sailing by himself all over. And occasionally doing charters where he takes a few people. This doesn't sound lonely to him. He's odd. However, I can't seem to ever get really over him. First, I have to talk about the hookups. I am weak. I'm one of those girls who dreams about being controlled (only sexually!) and wanted and pushed against a wall with the words "I have to have you!" So I can't tell you the number of times after we broke up that he would do the oral and double fingering all at once to get me off. And I'd give him what he calls "the seriously best blow in the world." It wouldn't happen all the time, just maybe every month at first, and once every two months, and then longer in between. I started being able to tell when he was horny. Oh yes, and he'd always lift my shirt and grab my boobs and give one his great nipple sucks, with just a little bit of a bite at the end, so the nips would be so standing at attention. That was all the time. We also started the very exciting fun of taking public naked boob pictures! First, at a restaurant - The Bagel - we were in the last booth and he was all ready, and when I didn't think someone would come out of the bathroom, I did a fun lift of the shirt and smile! We did it three times and got fabulous pictures! After that, we've had pictures in the park and many more. I get off on the risk and the excitement!!!! The last time we had sex was my birthday a year ago, on July 31, 2004. We had made our own margaritas, which are lethal, and sat by the pool upstairs. And then came downstairs, and he was giving me birthday pleasure, and I then pulled his bathing suit off and mounted him. It was so amazing. We went to a hungover dinner that night and it was so nice. Only I didn't feel so good when he dropped me off at home afterward and went to his own home. But it was always that way. I usually felt sad when he left. At that time. Slowly, he began hooking up with me less and less. He always felt bad in a way, I could tell. Sometimes I felt bad because I felt lost and like he had lost interest and become distant. I asked him a couple of times, and he said I needed to get over him, and I couldn't when I was hooking up with him. But he still would hook up with me every once in awhile. No sex. Just fingering and oral. Eventually, late last year, whenever he'd orally and manually put me in heaven, he'd not let me afterward give him a blow. It was always that way. He'd say, "this is just about you." It was very odd. He'd get me off - licking and sucking my clit while fingering me on my g-spot and also eventually in my ass. But he'd not let me do a thing to him. I talked to two of my friends about it many times, and they thought it was equally as odd. Then he stopped everything. Mostly. I can tell when he's extraordinarily horny and not going to be able to stop. I should have been happy about him not doing stuff to me all the time, so I could get over him a little. And honestly, it has been good. We've moved to mostly being friends, in a way. For the longest time, there was nothing sexual going on. Although every time we see each other, he always lays down on the couch so I can lay with him and we can cuddle. Why does he do this??? If he likes it so much, why doesn't he want to be with me? Or have the desire to someday be with someone? Although that would kill me. He still always says that I'm the perfect girl, and he is so lucky to have me in his life, and there could never be anyone more perfect than me. Of course, as I've said, the big part of the reason that he broke up with me is that he never saw us getting married - and he never saw himself ever getting married. Or ever having children. So, one reason why I'm so jealous whenever he mentions another girl is that if he ever did start dating another girl, his whole reasoning to me would go out the window, and it wouldn't be just him anymore who was odd, but it would be that he was just wasn't that into me. And it would kill me. For a long time now, we hadn't hooked up at all. And in the past few months, we haven't seen each other regularly once a weekend, as we had before. I am both hurt, and also knowing that it's for the best. We still instant message regularly, but mostly it's just silly stuff with him telling me my kittens are ridiculous so I get worked up. He now calls James "Karl Rick Rumsbolton" - yes, for Karl Rove, Rick Santorum, Rumsfeld, and of course, the ultimate UN lover, Bolton. And he calls Emma "Jessica Void Robertson" - the 'Jessica void' after Jessica Simpson and how uneducated and, to be blunt, stupid, she sounds most of the time. And of course the Robertson after the Supreme Court nominee. He is a very silly person. I have to admit now that on my birthday we hooked up. He called me the day before to see when I wanted to go out, but I didn't talk to him until that morning. He took me to brunch at my favorite breakfast place - Tweet - and then we walked for a bit to digest and then got a bus. Then we came back here. He went and laid in my bed, and 'because of all the cat hair' he took off his shirt and pants and got under the covers. I laid down on top of the covers, and we cuddled. Then he tickled me and I reared up, trying to get him to stop. He unzipped my little jacket and grabbed one of my nipples with his mouth. He sucked amazingly as he always does, softly and yet with force, and slowly let it slide out of his mouth while sucking harder as it left, so I end with a fully erect nipple. He then grabbed the other nipple in his mouth and gave it the same royal treatment. He went back and forth between my two breasts, and by this time we had discarded the zip-up top. And I was so turned on having him suck my nipples that way. And then he grabbed my ass while I leaned over him. I was so wet. And the little bolts were going down my spine to my wetness. I wanted him so badly to touch me, but I thought I would never feel that, because he hadn't touched me in so long. He then lifted me up and I laid down on my back. He grabbed my boobs with both hands and got handfuls, and squeezed. I reared a little. He then unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down, and the same with my panties. Once they were off, his finger went directly to my clit. I was so turned on, I don't think you could have any idea. Every movement on my clit was like heaven. He worked me and then stopped, and then worked me and stopped, and then again, and then worked me while fingering me. He's so good. And so turns me on. I don't much like kissing him, unfortunately, because his lips are so dry that's it's nasty. But everything else. He just seems to know what turns me on, and where to rub and where to touch. The surprising thing during all this was that while he pleasured me, he actually let me grab him while he was working, and let me masturbate him, and after he got me off, he let me blow him, and oh my gosh did he come good! I can't remember exactly how long it's been since he's let me blow him. He was almost yelling during it. I was given excellent instruction when I was very young. And the funny thing is that when I watch the porn stars, I do exactly as they do! I was trained in the technique one night when I was 16 or 17. The guy told me exactly what to do with my tongue, exactly how to move my hands and where to press, and exactly what to do with my mouth. His teaching has proved to be right on! Okay, I digress With regard to The German moving - as you know, he lived in my building, and I was in love. He had always been unhappy with the management of our building. In August of 2003, he went looking at apartments in the Hancock. Although I think part of it is just so he can say he lived there. Anyway, he hadn't really talked to me straight about it, but one day just emailed me that he'd be home late cause he was looking at apartments. He was moving away from me! And he did. However, before he did, my parents were coming to town. He was happy to meet them and spent almost the entire weekend with us. We were a couple throughout. And I was so happy. The last night, I told them that The German had signed a lease to move into the Hancock. My mom said she knew from then that it was over. I still didn't know, even though I cried plenty over him being not on the same hall as me. He tried to make me feel all better and said this move wouldn't affect anything. It didn't for awhile, but it wasn't like I could go home and be with my babies and then walk down the hall to eat dinner with him. So, I come back to my original story. The German, on our walk home from Chili Mac's, told me he'd be moving after October. And he mentioned a few areas. After I had signed my lease for my current apartment, he told me that he'd hoped I would have moved somewhere more unique and different that we could explore. Just with him talking about moving it hurts, because it reminds me that it's all about him. There is nothing of me in there. And I should realize and accept it. I'm going to clarify things a little. I'm not always crazy for him. Sometimes I even get really annoyed with him and the way he is and his stubbornness while we're talking about various things. And I'm no longer sad when leaves after visiting, although the way he hugs me and gives me a kiss feels so nice. I don't regularly think of him, and I know, in the 100% kind of way, that we will never be together. I am fully able to get excited about other guys, as I have written about here, and with no thought as to him. And I don't even compare other guys to him anymore. But I just get so jealous at even the mention of another girl and the idea that he might have a relationship. Because then the reason that he left me wouldn't be about a problem with HIM, but that he just wasn't into ME as a future. However, in the year and a half, going on two years, since he broke my heart, I have gotten better and better and better, just slowly. So, there's still hope! That eventually I'll be completely over him! Then again, maybe I am 95% over him right now, but it's just the jealousy that hangs on. And that will probably never leave. I mean, I have issues with jealousy. So, I think I'll always be jealous, no matter what. And with that said, I do think that I'm 95% over him! And the extra 5% is just a little hang-on. Because of how sweet he can be and how he still tells me I'm the best and sweetest girl in the world. Well anyway, that's the end. Of the LONG story of The German! I'll still want him to be the sperm donor though, just in case I never find a guy and have to have a baby on my own!
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My sweet Grandpa, and happiness!!!!
I just got an email from my grandpa: "I am sorry. Please forgive me for my lack of sensitivity. I love you [Caterpillar] and do want everything to be the best for you. Love, Grandpa" He sounds sad!!! Now I'm all filled with love for him and don't want him to be sad!!! I'll call him either today or tomorrow so that he won't be worried that he really hurt and upset me. I mean, he did a little, but I don't want him to now feel bad for a long time. I know how that feels, feeling so so so bad for hurting someone. You feel dirty for a long time and have a cloud hanging over your head. So I don't want him feeling that way any longer. I'll call him today, from work. After our lunch speaker. On a completely, 180 degree different note, I have this excitement in me today! I have no idea why, but I'm just happy and so excited, and keep having to do my silly tensing of all my muscles-excitement-type-move. Sometimes with the little squeal accompanying it. I think I'm insane! But I'm excited for the weekend, and I'm excited for the Sox game next week Friday, and I'm excited for Violet's barbeque tomorrow night, and I'm excited cause I got to see Florida Girl today, and I'm excited cause French Mix sent me a little text message last night, and I'm excited cause I have nothing to do at work today so I can call some people and write some emails and type this(!), and I'm excited cause I just emailed Warsteiner and apologized as I just realized that I forgot his birthday last Friday, and I'm excited cause I got some new blush and eyeshadow yesterday that I'm wearing today, and I'm excited that I'm wearing my tight little brown shirt today and it looks good, even though I have to really suck in when I'm sitting down, and let's see, what else? I'm excited cause tomorrow morning I'm going to go for my favorite eight mile walk along the lakeshore. And one of my wonderful friends from college just had a baby this morning - Alexander Michael. And I'm going to call MWFB after lunch. Oh, so many things! I'm just happy today! I have to run and get lunch before our little speaker gets here!
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An article everyone should read, communication with my Grandpa, et al
I read an excellent article today from the L.A. Times entitled A CIA Cover Blown, a White House Exposed. It's a very long article, but a very good one. It follows the complete timeline, from about 2002 until the present, and even going back to the Gulf War, to show how it was that the administration ignored the information that the whole story of Iraq trying to get uranium from Niger was false, and instead persisted to use that story in its efforts to go to war with Iraq. It's very, very interesting. And one thing I noticed, when I was almost finished reading, was that the only time Bush was ever mentioned was in the context of what he said in a speech. However, Cheney, Rove, Condi, Libby, Rumsfeld and others were the stars of the story. It really is so apparent that Bush is just a figurehead, but that the real work and policy is being determined by the afformentioned cast of evil characters. No wonder Bush can exercise for two hours a day and be in bed by 9 pm every day! And, I add, at least while he's at Crawford, also read books, go fishing, and take afternoon naps. Of course he can, because he's not the one working! Anyway, that's that, and now I'll get off the soapbox. I switched my comments over to haloscan the other day, so that from now I'll be able to delete any spam comments. I like the new service! However, and I didn't even think about this before it happened, I lost all the old comments! I was so sad! They were a part of this blog, and it felt like I lost a few posts or something similar! The good thing, though, is that I switched the comments now instead of a year from now!I went to work at lunchtime today, because I just couldn't wake up this morning. I was in a complete daze. Here was my hard half day: I first ate lunch and checked my email, then made a call for The Meat, then sat in The Meat's office for an hour and a half and shot the shit, talking about travel in California, Wyoming and Montana, among other places, then I called Florida Girl and chatted for a bit, and then I read the article I just talked about while instant messaging with The German. And then I went home. Hard day!!! I need a new job so I can make more money, but damn, this job is so good while it lasts!I'm watching Moulin Rouge right now as I write. I LOVE this movie, love it, love it, love it!!! And I adore Ewan McGregor and have ever since seeing Trainspotting. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and to love in return." "Freedom, Beauty, Truth, and Love" - two of the little themes of the movie. I know they sound cheesy, but I love them all the same! The first time I watched this movie was at my parents place, the day after Christmas, maybe two years ago. My brother had just gotten it so we all sat and watched. My dad got bored early and left the room to do his own stuff. My mom thought it was okay. My brother really liked it. I was entranced. And at the end, tears were running freely down my face, even though I was trying to hide them. And I had to go upstairs right afterward so I could have a good weeping - I didn't want to do that in front of them. I bought the movie shortly after that and have watched it at least 25 times now. Update on my grandpa. He tried calling me a couple other times and both times I again didn't answer and he didn't leave messages. Yesterday he emailed me: "Dear [Caterpillar], I love my granddaughter and want her to have a good life--to discover God's plan for her life and enjoy fulfillment. Incidentally, I want to emphasize that a bad marriage would be far worse than a possible drinking problem. I do want to congratulate you in being one of the best in the [job I want] interviews. Use your momentum and cast your net! Love, Grandpa" (I'm wondering if his reference to a bad marriage is my brother, since we don't like TSIL very much? Or if it's just in general that he's talking about.)I responded: " Hi Grandpa,
I admit I've been screening your calls after I got your email last weekend. I feel like I have to be ready for what you're going to say. And I might still screen calls now, too, I admit. I guess I should call you so I'm in a place and mood when I can talk.
I appreciate your support, in the way that it sounds like support. And I do need it. In many, many ways. I do always listen to you. I don't always want to, but I can't help it. And it's always been that way ever since your first letter came to me way back when!
So, I have heard you but I don't think I want to hear you expound upon things yet by phone. I may screen your calls until I'm ready or until, well, I'm not sure, but maybe when I hear something more positive and loving and not about how I'm so terrible and unattractive etc. Those are things that, yes, stick with me and get your message across well and forever, but at the same time I don't want to then talk to you about it.
I love you, [Caterpillar]"So, that's that, for now. He knows I heard him, he gave me a little extra support. I still don't want to talk to him yet. But I'm glad that I've emailed him now.Last night I had plans to go out with Warsteiner, but I knew, I just knew, that he'd have to cancel. As this weekend is the big change-over with the company (to a new computer-type system or something like that) so I knew he'd be extremely bogged down at work. He called at 6:30 last night, so at least I wasn't waiting around. (I wouldn't have really been, but it was still nice of him.) He'd stayed until 11:00 on Tuesday, didn't know when he'd leave last night, and I'm sure that tonight through Sunday, he'll be almost living there. Maybe I'll see him again after that!And as to French Mix, I texted him last night to see if he'd like to get a drink tonight, but he's in Baltimore all week for work and is going to Michigan this weekend. So I'll also see if I ever get to see him!This weekend sometime I'm going to get together with one of my best friends from law school! Near the end of law school a certain thing happened and we lost touch after that, until I saw her again at Tivo's wedding in November 2003, and then at J-Wu's wedding in May 2004. And each time, it was so, so, so good to see her, and I had so much fun just talking to her. She called on Tuesday because she'd just started a new job and asked me to help her with checking on something. Oh my gosh it was so good to talk to her! So we're going to get together this weekend, and I can't wait!!!And also this weekend, Violet and Uganda are having a barbeque! I'm going to make an appetizer to bring, but I'm not sure what yet. And I want to surprise her, so I wouldn't say what I'm bringing even if I knew right now! I'm so excited for that, too!!!Okay, I have nothing else, at least not until tomorrow!
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Fishing
I went fishing today!! For real, I'm not using it in any dating or sexual sense. I learned to cast out and then slowly real the line in while doing a little jerk every once in awhile. I didn't catch anything, but then the whole hour and a half, only one fish was caught - and it was a TINY, but very cute little perch - so it wasn't just me not being a good fisherwoman! The fish just weren't biting today! I usually keep my camera in my purse at all times, just in case, but today (dammit!) I didn't have it. Otherwise I would have been also posting a picture of the tiny perch, and a picture of the gorgeous Chicago view!! So here's how this came about. One of my bosses, The Meat, keeps a fishing rod in his office and every once in awhile he likes to walk to the lake and fish for awhile. He throws all the fish he catches back, of course, but he just enjoys fishing so much. Up until now, whenever he went I couldn't go for one reason or another. He went yesterday and came back after having caught at least 10 fish - and with his one unwashed hand with which he took the fish off the hook. He had everyone smell his hand, it smelled AWFUL! But he's so silly, he said it smelled to him "like life." So today he told me he wanted to go again and I told him I was definitely IN! We didn't end up going until just before four o'clock, and stayed out until 5:30 (I had to run back to work then to drop off his fishing pole and get my stuff). We walked to Monroe Harbor, got a couple of hot dogs there, and sat on the concrete and fished. It was so great! I felt so alive being out there, sitting by the lake, feeling the amazing breeze on my face and the sun on my back, looking out at all the gorgeous sailboats in the harbor, and smelling the smells of summer and boating. It was the best feeling I've had in a long time! I can't explain how much I love that wind in my face while looking out over a lake, and the smells that are all around! Although I don't think that an icky fish smell "smells like life," I can completely relate. To me, everything about that hour and a half today smelt and felt like life, and I was so alive and drinking it all in!The Meat fished most of the time, of course. Near the end he asked if I wanted to try and I said "of course!" He showed me how, when my line was reeled up near the top, to pull some switch thing toward me while I had the line on my finger, and then I can reel back and cast out! Also, I now know how to hold the rod! I felt so cool! He told me I was getting it, too! But he was really disappointed that I didn't get to catch anything. Although, I did a bunch of times feel a little nibble! So now I know what he was talking about at least with the little slight pull! Still, we're going to go again soon cause he said he won't be satisfied until I actually catch a fish and feel how that feels (the pulling it in part, NOT the feeling it in my hand part, which I won't do - he will take it off the hook for me. And throw it back for me. But I will take a picture of it before he throws it back!!!).It was nice hanging out with The Meat, too. Although I'm never completely comfortable with him. I'm always aware of myself and feel a little self-conscious, so young and in many ways petty. On the way to the harbor, we talked about his kids a lot (he's 60, so no, he's not some potential guy - I should have said that earlier). And we chatted easily when we were fishing. One question he asked me: "So what's your story? Why aren't you married?" He's known me for going on three and a half years, so he can of course ask me that. But once I started talking, I was feeling stupid, like all my little things were so stupid. I didn't feel at ease talking to him about myself and things because I just felt so self-conscious. I think he's one of the best people in the world - he's the wisest, and he's had the bad fun complete with saloons, bar fights, motorcycles, jail, surfing while selling cheap art for a living - you name it, he's done it. And it's made him so interesting. But yet he's also one of the best people in the world who just is so good, and always believes in and helps the little people and the down-and-out people. My reason for expounding on him is this - I just get a little nervous around him, because I admire him so much. And I feel like a completely naive little girl sometimes around him, such as when he asks me questions about myself like that. I can easily talk to my girlfriends and my diary about it, but talking to a wise 60-year-old who I admire is much more difficult. And then I feel even worse after we part, because I feel that I didn't explain myself at all and didn't give him good answers and the answers that he wanted - to get to know me more, and that I sounded boring and young. Maybe I just can't talk about all my little issues with him. Because they sound stupid to me when I start to talk about them to him. Even though they aren't stupid to me. Not really, even though I keep saying that word right now.But I can't wait for the next time! I want to be able to say that I caught a fish!!! (And of course threw it back!) And I'll take a picture of it and of course make The Meat very quickly take a picture of me with the fish on the line! And also, I can't wait to go back because of how great it was, and how alive I felt, and how soft and cool and perfect the breeze felt on my face, and how warm and comforting the sun felt on my back, and how perfect and summery the whole lake smelled! It was just PERFECT!!! I know that all sounded so cheesy, but it's all actually true!
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I love funny things!!!
I just read the funniest parody!! I love parodies, and this one is great! It's about the movie King Arthur. Check it out!!! http://www.web-ho.com/blog/?p=450
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My attempts to stop the assholes. Yes, I said ASSHOLES!!!!
Okay, for the time being, anyone who posts comments will have to also type out one of those weird word/number/letter checker things. Sorry! For my few and so appreciated commenters!!! And the three comments in the prior post are again spam. I really want to know how to delete them!
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Okay, at least all the bad people are for now off my site
I just rechecked sitemeter and before all these random website blogs - that all sounded like not normal blogs - were logged in. Now they're all off. So I hope they've just left me alone now. From now on I won't use any explicit terms in my title. It doesn't seem to matter much if I do in my text, and I won't stop that, but at least in the title I will hold off. Assholes!!! It completely freaked me out! I still would like to know how I can delete a comment, cause I've sometimes seen that someone has deleted one. Or maybe it's the system administrator who has deleted it. Maybe I have notify someone??? If anyone knows, please give me advice! Thanks in advance!!!
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Comment attack by those-who-can't-be-named.
Okay, I have no idea how this happened. I just looked and had seven comments to my post " Mmmmm...me so horny" - but after the first comment, the rest are all spam things! How does this happen? (Okay, I'm guessing they found the word 'horny'). And how do I stop it???? Also, I don't know how I can delete them? Or if I can? Help!!!! And I didn't want to put the word "sp*mm*r" in the title now of this post, in case it's how they found me in the first place!!!
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The differences between lack of pants experiences. As well as Deutsch class, job, and my own 100 list
I had meant to call much earlier in the day, but I didn't end up calling until about 5:15 tonight. "Do you have an opening for a bikini wax?" "Regular or brazilian?" "Brazilian." "Do you want the back done?" "No, that's okay." "Back" being the butt. It doesn't hurt much at all. But I'm not hairy and my waxes are for me anyway, as opposed to for a guy. And I don't see my own butt crack. I just like being clean and pretty in front and below. "Can you come at 6?" "Yeah, but do you have anything later?" "No, that's the latest one today." "Okay, I'll be there."To be there, I had to take a cab, so spent $11 instead of the $1.75 that the bus would have cost. But it was worth it - I've been planning to get it for a week now cause I was overdue - and now I feel all clean and pretty again!! Right now, it's of course puffy and red, but still clean and pretty, and will just get perfect as the short-term swelling goes down!My waxer - well, this is only the second time I've been to her, but since the salon is a quarter block from me, and she's also very good, taking the time to really shape and also tweeze the stuff she missed, she is now officially My Waxer - is a very nice Polish woman. She's in her mid to upper thirties but could pass almost for my age. She's tan and very thin, and blond. I'm sure she lightens her hair and I'm also sure she tans. But she looks very good, and is so nice and really takes her time. And has a cool accent! I don't think guys can ever understand, and instead they just get turned on, how weird but at the same time how fine and normal it feels, to be lying on a table, naked from the waist down, with first one knee, and then the other knee, out. And a woman waxing almost everywhere and even pulling your lips apart. It's so odd how normal it feels! And how we'll have such normal conversations while she's doing it. Sometimes I think how they (the female waxers) have seen way more naked vaginas than even gynocologists. I will feel slightly, and I mean very slightly, self-conscious. But other than that I'm just talking and knowing when it will slightly hurt so I can brace myself. Compare this with a visit to the gynocologist, where she has to tell me to relax my legs, and that it will feel uncomfortable for only second. No small talk about boyfriends and family and fun there! Now, the doctor goes inside, while the waxist stays outside. But the waxist causes way more pain, even though it's not that bad. Anyway, I'm just thinking about how differently I feel in each circumstance. The doctor's checkup lasts about 4 minutes. In with the speculum, do the swab, out with the speculum. In with the finger or two while she feels your insides (that's actually the worst - the pressing all over). In comparison, the waxist lasts about 10-15 minutes. She chats while she rips hair out of your skin. She moves your legs around to be able to get to the whole area. But she talks to you and relaxes you. And the waxists have no formal training in this, they just like to talk and are normal people. Also, in my new wax place, the room is really relaxed with velvets and mirrors. It just makes me think that if doctors warmed up their offices a little, and talked to us like real people, it wouldn't feel like such a big deal then, either. Not that it's a big deal, the pap, but still, you know what I'm getting at. Anyway, I don't know why I got so into that. I guess I just felt like expounding.My Grandpa called tonight and I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message. He also called on Saturday night, and again I didn't answer and again he didn't leave a message. I'm just not ready to talk to him. And I'll keep dodging his calls until I am ready to deal with him and what he'll say.Speaking of dodging - while I was reading Harry Potter I'd every once in awhile consciously think about some of the British words and/or phrases that I just love, such as: dodgy, wicked, brilliant, preggers (okay, now I'm moving more into Bridget Jones' Diary mode). And now I can't think of any more. But I just love some of those British terms, that are so British. I am also into various German things. I started learning German at the Goethe Institute in Chicago in April, through June. Then we had summer break. Classes start up again the second or third week of September. I need to decide whether I'll take A1.2 or A1.3. My class last semester was a joint A1.1 and 1.2. But I missed the last about 6 classes, so I'm behind. So I can either get out all my books and pay for a couple of private lessons and go into 1.3, or go back to 1.2. I'm torn. I of course love learning languages, although I wish they were easier for me, and I want to learn as quickly as possible. And while I'm learning, I have such a desire to know more and to learn quicker. But at the same time, I know that I need to really learn the stuff, and not speed through the basics. My plan (that I just this second decided upon!): tomorrow I'll pull out my German books. I'll work on all the vocabulary that I didn't get to. And the next night I'll work on it again, and also start reviewing all my notes. So I can remember all that I've forgotten in the past two months. And see how comfortable I feel. I'm having dinner, if you can call it that, at the Wiener Circle tomorrow night with The German. I won't be able to practice much with him tomorrow, but hopefully just a little so that I'll be inspired and remember how much I love learning German/Deutsch! And my mom will eventually need to go to Deutschland to fully research our geneology, and she's paying for me to learn, first so I have something to do, and second so I can go with her and translate at least to people. And in Germany, I've only been to Munich so far, yet so much want to see more of Germany. So that settles it. Tomorrow I will get the books back out and start going through them. Ich moechte Deutsch lernen!This past paragraph, by the way, reminds me of how I will soon SO expound upon my seven weeks abroad during the summer of 1999. During those seven weeks, I learned so much, and saw so much, and everything that I saw and everyone who I met and talked to affected me so much and really affected my whole life and my current view of the world. It was a turning point in my life, for sure. And so, so, so amazing!!!!!!!I haven't had a quote of the day in awhile. So...Quote of the Day (okay, I can't decide, so there are two of them)Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, I'll try again tomorrow. - Mary Anne RadmacherWe may run, walk, stumble, drive, or fly, but let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss the chance to see a rainbow on the way. - Gloria Gaither (I may have already done this one, but it's good!)I love good quotes! I love how they make me think and remind me of what is important.Job update. I had resigned myself to not getting the job that I so want. It's been three weeks tomorrow from my second interview, so I was so sure that someone had gotten the call and been offered the job. My hope was at about 5%. It has risen to about 15% now, because I heard from Tivo today that in the weekly meeting last week, they were told that someone would be hired soon, like in a week or so. So, maybe someone hasn't yet gotten the call. I still don't have any confidence anymore, but at least I know a little now, like that maybe there is still a little bit of hope. I really don't think I'll get it anymore. I'm thinking I was only offered a second interview out of courtesy - because I had my connections. But I don't expect to get the job. However, and I yell at myself in my mind every time - whenever I have a voicemail, I always think thay maybe, just maybe, it will be a message from the person who will be offering me the job. I think it will be good for me when it's all over, so I'll just know whether it's me or not. I can either be on cloud nine or cry and then get over it. And eventually figure out what I can do and would like to do. On a completely different subject, I want to make up my own list of the 100 things I want to do, like Firecracker did and Violet did on 3.14.2005 (I don't know how to link to her exact list). For years I've at various times made short lists, and had other lists in my brain. But I want to make a whole list of 100 things - and with some being big travel goals (seriously, the whole 100 could be travel goals for me) and accomplishment goals, and others being smaller and more easily accomplishable things. Stay tuned. I'm going to start working on it tonight!
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Mmmmm...me so horny!!
There are certain things that, when a guy wears them, will make me find him somewhat sexy no matter what. Well, most of the time. Unless he's really nasty. But definitely there are certain items of clothing and/or personal decor that just scream sex appeal. This is the latest thing that makes my heart start beating quickly - the leather cuff watches. Oh My Gosh are they sexy! I'm going to say it once more - Oh My Fucking Gosh are they sexy!!!!These are, by the way, French Mix's hands. Sexy hands, sexy dark skin, sexy way he's holding his hands, and fucking hot sexy leather cuff watch!!! Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!! It turns me on every time I look at it. Which is often. I just have to say one more time before I end this, all men should get one of these watches!!! And French Mix's hands here turn me on unbelieveably. Look at that one popped up vein that you can see - I love seeing those, they're so masculine. A guy with sexy hands is sexy all around! Well, unless he's really nasty, of course :) I'm supposed to be reading something big that we have up today at 2:00 and I'm trying, but I can't stop going back and looking at this picture, and then my mind turns to all other kinds of thoughts instead of the matter up at 2:00!
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I am up for the award for Laziest Person On Earth!
I had possibly the laziest weekend that I've had in a long time, and that's saying a lot. On Saturday, I slept on my couch for a long time and then sat on my couch and watched tv and movies and played on the computer. And on Sunday, the day when I was supposed to be out enjoying beautiful Chicago and kayaking with Violet and Firecracker and friends, I slept until almost noon (I set my alarm for much earlier and kept resetting it in a sleepy daze). I called Violet and left a message that I was too late and she called back and left a message (my phone didn't ring, so it must not have had service right then, I hate that!) saying that they'd be there until 4:00 so to come down. So I dragged my butt into the shower, and got myself all prettied up and cute, and I packed my bag with camera, phone, wallet, and necessary makeup items. And then I laid down on the bed with little James, who looked so cute curled up there. And he rolled over so I could rub his little belly. And I shut my tired eyes while rubbing belly. And then I woke up at 4:30. After that, still sleepy but determined not sleep anymore, I moved my lazy butt to the couch, picked up the 5th Harry Potter book that I still hadn't finished, and read straight through to 12:30 am, when I finished the book, crying and sniffling (you'll know why if you've read the 5th book, but in the two or so years that it's been out, I luckily never found out the ending. The only thing I knew was that someone died, but no one ever spilled the beans as to who it was. So I won't either!). Last night seemed to go on for forever! I woke up frequently and was always surprised that it was so early and that I had so much more time to sleep! Which is a very, very good thing, since I like my sleep! But the entire night I was dreaming of Harry Potter. I dreamed I was in the Ministry of Magic along with Harry and his friends. But sometimes I was with people who I know instead. And we were running through doors and trying to get away from the Death Eaters. And other times I saw the good guys coming. But I think sometimes they were people who I knew as well. Anyway, my mind was very active all night. And James liked it, cause everytime I woke up and moved around and looked at the clock, he'd come spoon himself into my side and roll over so I could rub his belly before I fell back asleep. I was so sorry to miss kayaking and I'm hoping that Violet and Firecracker will want to go again sometime before summer ends!!! Hint, hint for when they are reading this!!!! :) Since nothing else happened, I can't think what else I can possibly talk about. Yep, nothing comes to mind at all.
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Bats, balls and cute butts
Here's where I was on Friday night: The Bold One, her new guy, and I watched the White Sox unfortunately lose to the Yankees. I love baseball games!! I had a bit of trouble finding someone to take my extra ticket, so after about 5 people said they couldn't go, I emailed Wiggles and he jumped at the chance. We met at my work at 5:15 and headed down there. We met The Bold One and her guy, and then hung out at The Patio until about 7:30 when it closed and they kicked us out - I got some really good closeups of a Yankee pitcher practicing, since we were right by the field! And, free and unlimited food and beer! After that we went to our seats, and the whole game was just so much fun! I love all the people who are around us - the guys who The Bold One knows and who are just wonderful. After the game, they turned off all the lights and had a wonderful fireworks display! My camera ran out of room just then, so no pictures of the fireworks unfortunately :( Wiggles and I then went up to The Stadium Club with my new south side friends, and after that they drove us to a fun south side bar!! Wiggles at some point decided he was too drunk or tired or something, so he left in a cab. He's in love with the south side now, he kept exclaiming about it! He was pretty funny! Two of the guys thankfully drove me home a little later, so I didn't have to spend a ton of money on a cab. And I wasn't in good condition to be taking the L home by myself. French Mix and I texted each other a few times last night! And he called at 4 am and left a message (I was sleeping soundly). So I'm happy! He was at the game last night, too! At least I think he was, if he wasn't kidding. He said he'd call me again this weekend sometime. I hope I get to see him very soon!!! This weekend is the Air & Water Show - tomorrow I'm going to be kayaking with Violet, Firecracker and others, so we'll have great views! Today, however, I just watched some of it from my balcony. Actually I just watched the Blue Angels. They're the most exciting. Lake Michigan was littered, literally, with boats:
To bed I now go. I stayed up way too late watching a very stupid movie.
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Email from my Grandpa
My Grandpa is very smart and wise. He's also stubborn and has a jaded past that I won't go into. However, he loves me and I love him and all his eccentricities. Since high school, I have occasionally gotten letters from him in which he would express his worries about me. I know when he sends me a letter or an email, it is for good reason. And means he's very worried. This morning I got an email from him. I want to ignore it and roll my eyes, and I tried, but he just has a way of putting things so that it sticks with me. I'm going to feel dirty for the rest of the day because of this email. However, it's not unjustified. It just sucks, though. And once again, his words and message just stick with me and won't leave. And because I can't tease and not deliver, here is the email: "Hi [Caterpillar],The wedding was very nice and you were a most attractive bridesmaid. Actually I thought it was well organized. The reception, however, seemed to morph into a bride's family celebration.I can understand why you felt like drinking. However, some good often comes from unhappy situations. As I am now able to point out to you how unattractive you become when drinking. In the future when you have a date with Mr. Right, have nothing more to drink after the glass or two of wine with dinner. If you are unable to stop at that point. I would suggest that you consider AA or professional help--or I believe that I will not likely have the pleasure of seeing you as a lovely happy bride.[Caterpillar], I am on your side.Love, Grandpa"He has a way of putting things. That I can't ignore them. And it makes me feel terrible. The use of the word "unattractive" sticks, and I won't be able to forget it for some time. Unattractive. His letters/emails always stick with me, even though I always wish they wouldn't.
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Animal penises
Warsteiner called this morning and I said immediately, "what the fuck happened to you last night?" and he laughed and said he was sorry and that he fell asleep on his couch and woke up at 11:30 - and "I should have called you then, but I was afraid you might be asleep." Okay, he's forgiven. At least I know he wasn't out having a fantastic time with his friends and just blew me off. We chatted for awhile. I mentioned how his new dog Rudypoo freaked me out! Or to be more accurate, Rudypoo's penis freaked me out. The other night when we were sitting there petting Rudypoo on the floor, suddenly I looked down and this ENORMOUS RED THING was extending from Rudypoo's hairy part of his penis - freaked the shit out of me! It was so big! I've never had a boy dog before nor have I really known many boy dogs, so this was very new and scary to me. The Bold One confirmed that it happens to her dog now and then and it freaks her out, too. She makes him move cause it goes back in apparently when they have to stand up and move. For a long time now, every time I'm around Rudy I'm going to be keeping my eye out for that enormous red penis extension! Speaking of male animal genitals - I was telling Warsteiner how much Rudypoo's penis extension freaked me out, and explaining to him how I just have never known many boy dogs. "But I do notice when a boy dog will walk by and has enormous hanging balls." Yes, some of them do! They swing when the boy dog walks! With cats - James's balls must be up inside his body, and I think that's normal - the boy cats' balls are raised up. And no, when they are neutered, the balls are not removed, as Warsteiner thought. They just snip the connection or something like that. I have also seen James's little red thing extend from his penis when he's cleaning himself. But it's much, much, much smaller than Rudypoo's huge red thing! The only boy cat who I've seen with hanging balls is Hank, The Italian Chef's cat. He's about 7 or 8 months old now. When he was a tiny kitten and two months old I first met him, and noticed immediately the huge balls hanging down - he walks funny with his back legs!! And I think it's because of the balls! He has since been neutered, but the hanging balls remain. They don't look quite as big now that he's grown into them a bit, but they still hang there, and he still walks strangely with his back legs!Warsteiner's laughing response to all this (which I was discussing for awhile): "I always have the most interesting conversations with you!"
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I'm a girl, I write too much. And also there are serious issues of fact!
Today was good because it was busy, at work I mean. And then because The Bold One called me. I was happy to hear from her, cause I'd been missing her. However, I also felt so bad because I hadn't called her and had waited until she called me, even though I had thought of it so often. Even this morning on the bus I was thinking that I couldn't call her at home, cause that would be a pussy move. And I couldn't call her from my work, cause she usually doesn't recognize the number and what if she didn't want to talk to me? So I decided that I could only call her on her cell from my cell. She called me first. I didn't even realize how much I missed her until I heard her voice. Of course, yesterday when I was walking down the street, I thought of her. And the day before. She's never been far from my thoughts. I'm just a scared little pussy-shit and never stepped up to the ball to call her and address the issues. Instead I just hid from it in one way or another. I went to see The Bold One at 7 tonight for a little while. It was so nice! And her new furniture and decorations look fabulous. I was supposed to see Warsteiner tonight. He called me at work around 4:30 but I was on with The Bold One so I called him back afterward. I told him I was going to The Bold One's for a bit at 7 pm, and he said he and There's Something About Mary and I think one other friend were going to the bar of a guy who lives in his building. And he invited me and of course I said yes. I said I'd call him on my way to The Bold One's. So I did, and talked to him just before 7 pm. We chatted and he told me to call him when I was leaving, and we agreed that if it was early enough, I'd just go to his place first. I got home at 8 and called him directly, and got voicemail. Then I called MWFB to see if he could go the White Sox-Yankees game with me tomorrow, since Warsteiner can't go and I have an extra ticket that was for him, and also another ticket that's available. MWFB called back and he can't come. I knew he'd love it and also I'd have such fun with him. I then called Florida Girl to see if she and Mr. Asparagus could go. I called their home phone and no answer, so I called her cell and left her a message. I called Warsteiner back a little after 8:30 to ask if he was at the bar and whether I should meet him there, or what was going on. It's 11:23 and I haven't heard back from him. Again, for no apparent reason. No indication earlier that anything was wrong. Whatever. He's not worth it for this kind of behavior. Of course I always first worry that he saw this blog, but how could he? So I'm not even going to stress.I'm just waiting now to hear from Florida Girl about the game. Otherwise I have to find others who want to go. FireCracker? Violet? Do either of you want to go? Cause if I hear from Florida girl that they aren't going to come, then what about it? It's tomorrow! And a Friday night game. And from 5-7 it's all you can eat and drink at The Patio! Firecracker and Violet, I'll be calling you tomorrow if Florida Girl and Mr. Asparagus can't come - which I haven't heard either way? I also called French Mix! At about 9:00 tonight. I got voicemail, thank God, but I ended up sounding stupid I think - "Hi French Mix, it's Caterpillar - Little Brother's sister in case you don't remember (my brother calls me a nickname so I didn't know whether he'd recognize it as me.) I was wondering whether you'd like to get together sometime, or go out for drinks. Although I promise not to drink 50 beers like I did at my brother's wedding...." I am such a dork. I should have written out the stupid thing! Anyway, about five minutes ago I got a reply from him, a text message: "At the strip clubs in Denver. Cheers!"So, I need to respond to that. I'm such a girl, a fucking girl! I say I only want him for a good fuck, but at the same time, I'd really like him to like me. And if he doesn't, then I'll start feeling used even though I'm sort of intending to use him as well. But my stupid romantic mind goes back to the romance novels of old that I used to read, and it would always be some player guy (in Old England or Scotland, of course) who was so hot and yet he was just so intrigued with the heroine that no other girl mattered or could match up. Yes, I have my issues, but damn, I think those romance novels had an effect on my whole outlook! So even though I may be using him, I want him to fall madly in love with me. I don't want to be just another girl to him. Yes, insane. Especially since I just copied his text. And I am so not cool with strip clubs. I'm very jealous! For any future boyfriend or husband out there to know! So. I need to respond with some fun and cool text message I think. But what? Oh my gosh, I'm having writer's block, partially because I can only say so much. If I could write him an email, I think it would be easier. Then it would just all come out. But with text messages, I have to seriously pick and choose, and not be wordy or explain things, which, hello!, I like to do! BUT, he responded to me!!!! That's right, I just realized that! He didn't ignore me or wait 4 more days to call me. Okay, here is my dorkness. I wish I had the wit of Dater of All, Mistress of None. Sometimes I'm great with the suggestive emails and IMs. Today, not so much with the text messaging. Which took me about a half hour to type, in two separate messages: "Another bachelor or just fun? I already had my fun tonight! Tomorrow I'm going to sox-yankees & we have an extra ticket or two - let me know soon if you'll be here & want to go - cont...(next message) And, I will also gladly strip & dance before I'll maybe let you fuck me. If you inspire me, that is!"Oh my gosh, I've even had four beers here at home and even with them I think I just look so dorky and pathetic and needy and desperate in my little messages. Oh well. It's me. I just want him for a fuck anyway. So who cares if he has to wait until later to see my coolness! Even despite my bit of dorkiness, he will want to see me. Although, I just glanced down at my arm while I was typing and it's just huge. Here's today's The Fat Project results:Thursday, August 18Food:Medium espresso cafe latte from CaribouLemon yogurt for late lunchLemon yogurt for just after late lunch1 English muffin w/ butterAlcohol:6 Leffe Belgian beersExercise:NoneOnce I get excited about some random hot guy, I suddenly don't want to be in a serious relationship. Of course, when I'm really in a relationship with the guy who I'm meant to be with, I want us to act like it's the random hot guy every once in awhile - and that it's a nasty, dirty hookup! But right now, I'm happy that I'm not in a relationship. Cause I kind of want to play right now! Update - French Mix replied to my text messages with two of his own: 1) "Speechless", and 2) "Tell me what ur doing 2 ur self right now". He's not a player. Not at all. :) But I don't care, cause he fucks like a porn star!
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