Gratitude Tuesday (on a Thursday)!
[Okay yes, I'm a little late with Gratitude Tuesday this week - so it's Gratitude Thursday - but I had so much fun with all the many M words and I didn't want to write on only some of them. This was a fun letter to do, for sure! In other news, I've mostly finished my taxes, and I've been on time to work for two days in a row now - yay me!!! Self-discipline - it's my new number one goal and I'm feeling very good and very positive and I know I can conquer this lack of discipline that I've had for so long!!!
And now, it's time for Gratitude Tuesday, and this week it's words that begin with the letter M
- I'm so so so grateful for manliness and masculinity! I have always adored these qualities and found them to be so appealing and so attractive. I've always thought guys who were good with tools and building things had some extra natural attractiveness to them - and I love that Mr. H is extremely good
with all that!!! It's so so so yummy to me!!!!!!!! I've never wanted some wimpy guy, some metrosexual guy - I like the manliness! And I like to feel like the female, to feel feminine compared to my guy. I like knowing that he's stronger than I am and bigger than I am! Strength and competence are such a turn-on for me! It's all such a turn-on for me!Marriage
- I'm so grateful for marriage and what it means - that it's a commitment two people make to each other, to live their lives together and be loyal to each other and love each other and grow together and support one another and so so so so so much more. And I also know that I don't want the kind of marriage that my parents have or the kind of marriage that so many people seem to fall into and that doesn't stay close and doesn't grow in a good way. I have spent so many hours and days and weeks over the past many years thinking about all this and worrying about all of it, and I know what kind of marriage I don't want, and I know many of the things I do want in my marriage, and I know that I'll work always to keep my marriage strong, to keep love and passion alive, to keep communication always open, to be consistent with my love, to be caring and respectful and loving and treat him like the wonder that he is, and show and tell him so often how happy he makes me, and tell him I love him every day. I love so much that Mr. H feels the same way about all of this as I do, and that it all means just as much to him, and he sees the importance of all these things too, the importance of working at it and the importance of keeping it strong. He's so incredible, and so different from almost all the people - both men and women - who I've come to know in my life. I feel like I've won the lottery by finding him, I really really do!Me
- I'm so grateful for me and for who I am and who I've become!!! I love myself and love who I am, and that makes me feel wonderful!!! :)My Mind
- I'm so so grateful for my mind, for my intelligence, for my compassion, for the way I think.My Mom
- I have issues with my mom, yes. And she's not perfect and has many issues that she refuses to acknowledge or deal with. But I love her so incredibly much and admire her so much for her extreme intelligence and knowledge and for her devotion to her family. And she has done so much for me, so so so much for me, and shows her love for me so often. And tells me every time she talks to me or emails me, too. We started that a couple years ago and I love that she gets to hear me tell her that I love her every time we talk, just so I won't ever regret not telling her.Maine Coon Cats
- my parents have two Maine Coon cats, and they are both so sweet and wonderful - and big!Moon
- I think the moon is absolutely fascinating - not just for how it looks but for its effect on our planet and on us. The fact that it affects the tides of the oceans - how amazing is that! And as The Meat has said - he worked in a psychiatric ward when he was much younger and people are definitely crazier when it's a full moon. I find that so so so incredibly fascinating! That this floating huge hunk of something that's millions of miles away from our planet can have such an effect on not only nature, but on our mood and behavior. I need to read more on this whole idea because I am endlessly intrigued by it. I also read part of a book a few years ago called "Cunt" - a feminist book that a friend gave me. The only part I remember was her chapter on women's reproductive systems, and one point when she pointed out the fact that women's cycles are about the same length of time as the moon's cycle. That's so fascinating, too!!!!! I'm so grateful for this fascination that the moon gives me, and for it's power that so intrigues me.Menstruation
- I'm so grateful for menstruation and for my whole reproductive system. I don't mind at all having the hormonal highs and lows, having my period every month, or everything else that goes along with it - because it's my body and it's part of what makes me feel so feminine and also so connected to my whole sex sometimes. And it also means that someday I'll get to experience the miracle of having a little baby growing inside me. My whole menstrual cycle fascinates me as well, and I love being able to monitor my body and to recongnize how it's reacting differently every day. I love not being on birth control because I know it's really me (although I will be looking into birth control in the upcoming months).Mysticism and Magic
- I'm grateful for these two words and ideas - because whenever I even hear the words I have this wonderful feeling come over me. I sometimes feel like I'm transported to the era of King Arthur when I hear those words; other times I feel transported to the settings of my old romance novels. I can't fully explain it, but these words just make me happy and feel wonderful!Magnetism
- The whole thing about magnetism fascinates me, too. I never really loved science so wasn't ever too interested in the "hows" and "whys" of magnetism, but I find myself being much more curious about this topic now. Less in the magnetism of metals and more in the magnetism between people, etc. I felt an instant
pull towards Mr. H when I first met him. It was so intense and so immediate. And I feel it with him even just over our webcam chats on the computer. It's still intense, and when I really think about like I am now, I feel that magnetic pull towards him whenever we talk, whenever I see his face in the webcam, and when I'm actually physically with him it's of course even stronger! That fascinates me - that Mr. H and I felt and continue to feel such a connection and pull toward one another - and yet we've both met thousands of people in our lives and with most there is no kind of connection or pull at all. And I also read an article about a month ago about, shit, this gets into the science-type stuff, but it's so fascinating. I'm going to go get the article cause I can't even remember the words...okay, I finally found the magazine (Spirituality & Health, Nov/Dec 2006) - it's about "entanglements" and how "particles, even those traveling away from each other at the speed of light, could remain connected such that reversing the electric charge of one particle would also reverse the charge of the other." The author of the article talks more about "bio-entanglements" between living things and also whole living systems. This is so fascinating! I have to write just a little more:
"In my new book, Entangled Mind, I suggest that we consider the possibility that our minds are physically entangled with the universe, and that quantum theory is relevant to understanding common psychic, or psi, phenomena. Common psi experiences include mind-to-mind connections (telepathy), perceiving distant objects or events (clairvoyance), perceiving future events (precognition), and mind-matter interactions (psychokinesis). Psi may also be involved in intuition, gut feelings, distant healing, the power of intention, and the sense of being stared at...Indeed, psi experiences have been reported by people in all cultures, throughout history, and at all ages and educational levels. This suggests that the phenomena are basic not only to human nature, but also tell us somthing about the fabric of reality." (Author: Dean Radin)
Okay, I'll stop with this, but isn't this just absolutely fascinating!?!
And it all sort of comes under the big heading of Magnetism to me as a lay, non-science person.Moods
- I'm so grateful for all my many enormously varied moods, and I'm so grateful for my interest in paying attention to my body and mind and recognizing the moods for what they are. And they're a part of me, and I love me! :)Mail
) - I'm so grateful for mail, and for the people who deliver it to us each day! Yes, the mail often contains bills or other non-fun stuff, but when I open the mailbox each day when I get home there's always just a tiny feeling of excitement, just because I don't know what will or won't be in there when I open it!Medicine
- oh I'm soooooooooo grateful for medicine. Yes for the tylenol and little things, but especially for the medicines, thousands of kinds of medicines, that can treat and cure and help prevent major illnesses and death. We all know I have a bit of a fear (yes, "a bit" is a little understatement) of major diseases and a fear of dying early and such, and so I'm sooooooooooooooo grateful for the amazing medicines that can save lives!Mammograms
- I haven't had one yet, but I'm so so so so so grateful that they are out there and that they can detect breast cancer, which is one of my biggest fears. And I've heard about digital mammograms that can be used on younger women with denser breast tissue, and I'm 30 now and breast cancer is in my family. I'm just itching to get a digital mammogram. I'm going to be scheduling a doctor's appointment tomorrow and when I go to see her, I'm going to again inquire about whether the hospital has one of these machines yet.Making out
- I'm very grateful for the wonder of the kiss, and for deep, passionate kissing that is "making out" - and it also kind of cracks me up to say "making out" cause it sounds so much like middle school talk!Masturbation
- well yes this one is an obvious one to be grateful for! I'm so grateful that I can do something which makes me feel so amazing and makes my body take over and react on its own in such a fabulous way!!Makeup
- oh I'm am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so grateful for makeup! I'm not one of those lucky women who look amazing naturally, but makeup allows me to transform myself. My whole life would be so incredibly different if it weren't for makeup. And one of those items of makeup that I'm grateful for is Mascara
, which helps so much in making my eyes stand out!Moisturizer
- I'm so grateful for moisturizer so I can keep my whole body soft and smooth and lovely to touch! And I'm so grateful for facial moisturizers so I can hopefully prevent wrinkles for as long as possible! I love all my moisturizers, and I feel absolutely decadent every single time I smooth them on and rub them in!Mirrors
- I'm so grateful for mirrors - for helping me put on makeup, making sure my clothes are looking right, helping me pick clothes to buy in the first place, checking my hair - and also for giving me confidence!Manchego cheese
(so tasty!), Mandarin oranges
(again so tasty, plus so easy to eat and even easy to get in cans and such!), Macaroni and cheese
(it's so bad for me but such
a comfort food), Mayonnaise
(makes just about anything taste better), Marinades
(I'm no chef but I know marinades can make meats taste amazing!), Mashed potatos
(I love mashed potatos, just love them!), and Meat
(I could never be a vegetarian)The Meat
- anyone who has read my blog for any period of time has heard me talk about The Meat. I know I definitely can't express in just a tiny paragraph how important he has been in my life over the past two years, and how much of an effect he has had on the person who I am today and the person who I'll be in ten and twenty years. He's absolutely amazing in so so many ways, and he is in the very tip-top category of people in my life. I am so so so so so incredibly blessed to have him in my life and to have his close friendship and caring.Microwaves
- I'm grateful for the ease and quickness of microwaves. They definitely save time, and for many things it's much easier than having to use a stove or oven just to heat something up.Music
- I'm so incredibly grateful for music, for the extreme variety of music and for the endless number of songs in each variety. Music can affect my mood SO much, and it can be so powerful, and so beautiful, and so intense. I love it. I love everything about it.Mandolin
- I'm grateful for the beautiful sound of the mandolin. I don't hear it often, but I love it when I do! It has a magical quality!Manners
- I'm very grateful for manners. I'm grateful that there are certain manners which are The Norm, and I'm so grateful when I come into contact with people who have good manners. For example, when someone holds the door open for me or even, after walking through a door, keeps the door open for me coming behind, it makes me happy! Such a little tiny gesture by a stranger just has that effect - it's acknowledging another person and their value, it's being kind, it's being a caring human being - and that all makes me happy! And I'm grateful that my parents taught me good manners.Maps
- I'm grateful for maps, because it's nice to know where you're going and have a bit of a plan, and to see where you've been. And it's also just kind of fun to look at maps sometimes!Markets
- you never know what little treasure you might find at a market! That's why I like them! And also, there are just so many things to see!Massages
- I've had two professional massages in my life and loved them both! The most recent one was a two-hour wonderful massage that was a Christmas present from Mr. H! And I have to say that I enjoy a massage by someone I know even more than I enjoy the professional ones. There's definitely extra nerves that fire when I know the hands that are touching me. Even if it's just a quick two-minute neck and shoulder massage, it's like being in absolute heaven for those two minutes and has SUCH an effect on my whole mood and happiness, just to feel those loving hands on me giving me such pleasure and doing it out of love. [Mr. H - this is a hint! I LOVE when you give me little massages!!! They make me so happy!!! :)
- oh how I love my mattress!!! It's soooooooo incredibly comfortable and I just completely adore it!!!!! I consciously think about my gratitude for that mattress so often when I'm laying there in bliss just before falling asleep!Maturity
- I'm so grateful for my own maturity, and for the maturity of others who I love. And I know I'll continue to grow and mature even more, and I'll welcome it all.Meadows
- I love this word! I can't even think of the last time I was in an actual meadow, but when I even hear the word I get such a mental vision and overall feeling of freedom and happiness and joy and beauty in my mind - I picture such a beautiful field of wild grass and wildflowers, and blue skies and sunshine overhead shining down and sparkling off my hair, and I picture myself in a lightweight white romantic sundress feeling free and running through it all! I just love this word and all that it conjures up in my head! And it means even more to me now because Mr. H mentioned that word once and we looked at pictures of beautiful meadows near his city, in the context of a possible place for a second wedding! :)Member
- This word makes me horny and also makes me laugh at the same time!Memory
- I'm so grateful for my memory. I know I don't have a great memory for details or some long-term things, but I'm grateful for the memory I do have. And I'm also grateful for my wonderful short-term memory and ability to remember numbers and certain kinds of information, because it really helped me when I was a student for all those years!Metabolism
- I'm grateful for my metabolism and for the fact that it's at least not really slow and is probably kind of fast, maybe. Well, if I ate a ton I'd probably see that it wasn't all that fast, but it works for me right now!Metal detectors
- I'm very grateful for the invention of metal detectors, and for their widespread use - they help to keep me and everyone who I love safe when we fly or go into certain buildings, and that makes me worry less - all good things!Michigan
- I was born in Michigan and lived there until I was 18, and my parents still live there. I'm grateful for the beauty of the state, especially all the hundreds of little lakes, the hilliness as you get further north, all the lush trees, and having the beaches and sunsets of Lake Michigan so close.Mornings
- I'm not really a morning person, as we all know. However, whenever I do get up early and I'm outside early in the morning, I feel so alive!!!
There is just something about early morning air, the smell of it, the feel of it - oh especially in the spring and summer! And even when I'm not outside, when I wake up in the morning and open my blinds and see the sun coming up and see some blue sky, I feel so wonderfully alive, it's so amazing and fabulous!!!Miracles
- I believe in them, and I believe they happen every day and all around us. I think most miracles aren't even noticed. I'm so grateful for every miracle that has touched my life even in some remote way.Mobility
- I'm so grateful for being able to get around easily - for having two legs to walk with and healthy feet and knees and ankles. And I'm so grateful for public transportation that takes me just about anywhere I need to go.Muscles
- I'm so grateful for my muscles that let me walk and stretch and lift things and climb stairs and do just about anything. And they help me look good, too!Money
- I'm grateful for money in that it allows me to buy food and live in a wonderful apartment and clothe myself in nice things, and it allows me to get and do many things that make my life easier and more enjoyable. It's a hard balance as well, because I don't want to want too much, and I want to keep my life relatively simple, but today is a day to be grateful so I'm not going to continue analyzing the potential bad things and just be grateful for having enough money to live a good life.Mountains
- I love nature and I love being reminded of how amazing our world is, how beautiful, how diverse - and mountains are one of those natural things that I can't help but be in awe of.My Mouth
- it lets me talk, lets me eat, lets me suck, helps me smile, and is filled with wonderful taste buds and many handy nerves.Movies
- I'm very grateful for the entertainment of movies, and for certain movies which can be so powerful and really touch me, really stay with me, and/or really make me think.Myths and Mythology
- I'm grateful for these wonderful stories and the Magic and Mystical nature of Myths! I've always been intrigued by Greek/Roman mythology, and when I hear myths from other cultures and areas of the world, I find them to be equally as intriguing. I love the stories themselves and I love the fact that so many of them have lessons and teachings in them, and I love that way back when, those stories were used to teach people how to act and live. It's all just wonderful and so fun and so interesting!
Late Musical Monday and Gratitude Tuesday
[I got about halfway finished with my Gratitude Tuesday 'M' words last night - then I woke up late this morning so I'm going to post the Late Musical Monday part now, and later this afternoon I'll post the Gratitude Tuesday part!
On Sunday afternoon I was feeling such cabin-fever, such frustration with myself, such kind of loneliness, and just that "ehhnn" feeling. I had a brief cry and then had a little talk with myself and told myself that I could sit on the couch and feel awful or I could get up and start doing something. So I got up - yay me!!! And I spent the next four or five hours actually really doing things - lots of cleaning and laundry and going through stuff and even going through my closet and throwing out clothes I haven't worn in the past 6 months! (Sidenote: I did start the cleaning on Friday but obviously didn't finish.) So my place looks wonderful now (except for the dishes that I still need to do and two more loads of laundry cause I ran out of quarters), and I felt SO wonderful all during cleaning and afterward, and I even felt good today still! I love that feeling!!
While I was cleaning for those five hours, I kept playing the same album over and over again because I'm just a dork like that sometimes and keep listening to the same thing. The album I was playing was Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park. I bought the album back when it came out because I heard a couple of the songs and just completely loved them - because I love that wild, rebellious and angst-filled music sometimes - it's SO energizing!!! I don't really go searching for that kind of music which is why I still just have this one album and no comparable albums by any other groups. But I love and adore this kind of music sometimes and it so inspires and invigorates me!! And I love this whole album and can obviously listen to it ten times in a row quite happily! :)
I'm posting two songs, first Crawling
- which was the song that made me buy the album way back when (it spoke to me!), and second Runaway
- just because I wanted to post two songs and I couldn't decide on a second because I like them all, so I finally just picked this one.Linkin Park :: CrawlingLinkin Park :: Runaway*********Crawling
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside of me
That pulls beneath the surface
This lack of self-control
I fear is never ending
Controlling, I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence,)
(I'm convinced that there's just)
(Too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
Has pulled itself upon me
Against my will
I stand beside my own reflection
How I can't seem...
Pictures of my babies!
Just after Christmas, Mr. H bought himself the same digital SLR camera as I have, which I love because now we can teach each other things about the camera that we know and/or learn. The other day he was reading in a photography book about taking pictures with flash and about bouncing the light off the ceiling instead of the flash going directly at the subject, and he experimented with just holding a soft CD case at an angle in front of the flash and his pictures taken like that of his dogs came out amazingly well!!!
So I told Emmalove that she was going to be my little model and she posed so cutely and perfectly and expertly for me! And I love how they turned out - crisp because I'm using flash, but without the way-too-bright look of flash and bright yellow kitten eyes that the flash normally gives. I'm so excited by this wonderful do-it-yourself discovery that Mr. H made, so I can take wonderful pictures of my babies even without getting an external flash that can rotate (which I still do want to get sometime though).
I think this picture was from yesterday morning - I was getting ready and saw little James sleeping with his head on my pillow, and I just LOVE when I see him sleeping that way, like a little person, he's so cute! So I ran to get my camera and used the reflected flash and it turned out pretty good - at least so you can see my sweet little baby in good light and not blurred from no flash or overpowered with bright flash!
And then one more - this isn't a great picture but my babies don't usually cuddle together when they sleep so seeing Emmalove cuddled against James here makes my heart just constrict with love for my babies and how cute and sweet they are!!! Little Emmalove is just now learning to come up on the couch with us, so hopefully I'll be able to get more cuddly sleeping pictures in the future as well. And the blanket - my little cousins made it for me maybe three years ago and it's the blanket that I sit under all the time on my couch because it's James's favorite - very knead-worthy! :)
I need to clean my apartment. Desperately. It's so cluttered and so dirty and so needs a complete cleaning from top to bottom. That's my goal for today and tonight. And I say "today" because I'm at home instead of at work. I got my period yesterday and the cramps weren't bad at all, but then this morning I just couldn't wake up and was so exhausted and slept until noon - when James woke me up by pawing my face and biting my hair and pulling on it - he seriously cracks me up! And now I'm waiting for Tylenol to take effect so the the cramps go away and I can start cleaning while it's light and sunny and beautiful outside. I always feel SO SO SO good when my place is clean and tidy and looking beautiful - it seriously makes me feel that my life is in some kind of order and that I can do anything then. I feel empowered when it's clean and straightened. I need to get better with cleaning more regularly and not just when it gets really bad. I should make a little chart and set certain chores for each day. But then there's that big problem with me having no self-discipline. I know that's the biggest current thing I need to work on - discipline with almost everything in my life.
I think I'll make the chore schedule and try to hold myself to it. It would just be one thing each day so that's very doable, and much easier than having to clean the whole place at a time! One day will be cleaning the bathroom, that's easy. One day will be swiffering the whole apartment - that's easy too, and then there won't be little litter pieces scattered all around everywhere. One day I'll vacuum the area rug in my living room and do my best to de-cat-hair the couch and chair - that's easy and won't take too much time.
Then there are the three things I'm the worst at: doing laundry (because I have to get organized and take it downstairs), doing my dishes (because I don't have a dishwasher and never want to start the dishes even though once I do start I don't mind it at all and actually enjoy listening to music and getting in a zone and thinking about all kinds of things while I'm cleaning), and straightening up after myself each night (so the coffee table doesn't end up being loaded with crap after a few days, like it is now). Those three things are what is the hardest for me. But maybe if I stick to the other chores, then straightening up and doing dishes every couple days won't seem like such big thing anymore. And even though I'm lazy when I get home from work, and it's dark and I'm tired and I just want to sit on the couch and do my stuff - I just need to Do It. As The Meat always tells me, a little saying that some bigwig had when he was in the Army: "Do It Now. Do It Right Now. Do It Right Now This Minute." In other words, if I procrastinate and find excuses then I'll never do it, and I'll end up again so frustrated because I live in a pigsty. And I don't like living like that. And I really want to get better disciplined before Mr. H and I are living together so I already have developed good habits!
So - I just took a third Tylenol, and I'll give it twenty minutes and then I'll start my cleaning and play happy music and once I get into it then I don't stop because I love the transformation of each room becoming clean and beautiful!!! And then I'll be so happy and can work on Mr. H's website to my heart's content this weekend and not feel guilty and gross because my place is a pigsty!!! :) So that's my plan!!!
My wonderful hero!!! :)
[I wrote this last night and just now was able to read it over and I think I did a better job than I thought last night at explaining it all. Of course this is still just such a quick little summary and I think the reason I felt I wasn't explaining it as well is just because I want to talk about ALL the wonderful things that Mr. H says and ALL the wonderful and perfect things about him, so just saying a few of them seems so incomplete and insufficient to me! And yes I know I'm gushing all the time but if you knew him, you'd know why!!!
It's 11:46 p.m. and I need to go to sleep, but first I'm going to write just a tiny bit because it's on my yet-to-be-written-out list of things to do to try to write just a bit every day - and yay me, that's what I'm doing!!!
I just finished a little bit of playtime because I did a little upper-body strip show for Mr. H on the webcam tonight and then we started talking about some quite hot things and so a little play was in order! We also talked about some other things that made me feel good - earlier today at work The Meat, Freckles and I were talking about how couples fight and how some couples fight all the time because both want to always have control and also always think they're right. The Meat was telling us in so many words that about 80% of things aren't worth fighting or even talking about, and it's how a couple deals with the important 20% that should matter.
I really don't have any big worries about Mr. H and I fighting or fighting badly, for a number of reasons. And both of us consciously try to remember that the 80% isn't worth being bothered about, so I don't worry about either of us being nit-pickers. And whenever we do have a bigger issue that's part of the 20%, I think we'll handle it in a good way. It won't be easy and I don't like conflict so it's not something I'm looking forward to of course, but I also know that of course there will be big disagreements now and then throughout a marriage and because the conversation from work was on my mind, I just wanted to talk about it all again with Mr. H, and talk about how we'll handle it and okay yes I wanted to hear him reassure me again because I was/am hormonal.
And he just makes me feel so good when we have these talks. We're so alike in seeing a relationship as a partnership and knowing that compromise and respect goes along with that. He said that if there's ever an issue where we both disagreed too much to reach a compromise, we would have to maybe use a third party to help us work towards a compromise. But he doesn't really foresee that happening because we're both intelligent and level-headed (he is, and I am except for being emotional - crying etc.) and also because we have such respect for each other. For example, he pointed out that he knows how sensitive I am and how emotional I can get, and he also knows what can trigger me getting emotional, and if I get to that point where I'm so emotional in a discussion then it doesn't help either of us in getting to the heart of the issue and working through it and coming to a decision/compromise - so he would never be the kind of person to push those buttons. And he really never ever would be.
I know I'm doing a terribly shitty job of explaining this and in explaining our conversation in general. And I know I should I just save this as a draft and go over it tomorrow morning when I'm maybe able to think and write a little better. I think I will do that actually, cause I don't want this to come out sounding wrong or bad. But my whole point of starting to talk about this was to say that Mr. H just makes me feel so GOOD, so good about everything
- and always
makes me feel that way. And knowing how in tune he is with me and how I think and react, and also knowing how reasonable he is and how level-headed and that he doesn't get angry or fight in the classic couple-fighting sense - well it all just makes me feel so wonderful and also feel so incredibly, outrageously lucky to have found Mr. H. I know absolutely that he will always take my feelings into consideration and that he will always respect me and treat me well. And with him I don't have to worry about becoming like my parents where they argue about so many little pointless things, and point out the wrong way the other is doing things, or try to explain a better way - and it all is just so pointless, all the stress and all the arguing and all the fighting that they do. It's all over little nothings! I try to remind them of that whenever I'm home and witness this.
Mr. H really is an unusual guy - and oh my gosh I just realized, he's sort of like the heroes in all my old romance novels!!! He's actually totally like them! Or at least like the heroes that my two favorite romance authors wrote about! Oh I'm gonna have to think about this more now! And yes I know, any guys who are actually still reading this are now gagging but I don't care. My mother would find this little epiphany of mine to be VERY INTERESTING but I'll of course never tell her that. And I'll have to write about why she'd be so intrigued some other time - but it has to do with an email she wrote me maybe four months ago. Oh I'm still completely amazed though at my little realization!!! Mr. H is so like the romance heroes that I used to dream of!!! :)
Okay that's enough for tonight - I've written for much longer than I wanted to write and now it's past my bedtime. I feel happy though - which is so good considering the fact that I have a lot of extra hormones running through me so I really feel like I'm walking along a slim little path right now and I'm okay steady but I know there's the potential of slipping on just one little stone and I'll suddenly be weeping. I know some people (especially the females!) will understand that little analogy. So my Mr. H made me feel wonderful, we talked about a lot of other things as well, we shared some such fun sex talk and fantasies, and then when we were just about to get off, he even showed another wonderful thing in recognizing my sudden brief drop in mood because I miss him, and he reminded me of what we have together and how amazing it is, and that our time apart will be so little in the big scheme of our wonderful life together!
And now I'm going to save this and reread it in the morning before I actually post it!
Oh - and I'll post this, too, because I liked it! Over the weekend when I wanted a break from the coding, I followed a link from CeeCi's blog to a fun little quiz site and took a few of their little quizzes. This one was my favorite!Which Warrior Angel Are You and Whose Side Are You On?
Light Bearer; Class: Cherub; Alliance: LightYou are blessed with a heart of gold. You are a kind, sweet, gentle person who believes very strongly in doing the right thing. You tend to be very emotional and very sensitive to other people's feelings. You are so gentle that you would not be suited to an active role in the fight, but more of a passive one. You would be a Light Bearer. As a Light Bearer, you would be a source of inspiration to others. A reminder of what they were fighting for.Your Angelic Name: Alida (means "little winged one")
Take this quiz!
I loved that! And I like that name "Alida"! And of course, it fits me pretty well, too! Except for my secret hidden bit of a dark side! :)
Starting where I left off: Gratitude Tuesday - the L's!!!
I've wanted to start writing again but just haven't. It's been almost too daunting sometimes since I'm 1) out of practice and 2) worry that I have too much catching up to do since I've been so silent on here for so long. So, I'm going to address Worry #1 by jumping back into it - today with Gratitude Tuesday
, and I'm starting with the Letter L
, which is where I left off way back when.
And after this, addressing both Worry #1 and Worry #2, I'm just going to commit myself to write something most days but no big long backstory if I don't feel like it, and it doesn't have to be long either (I have usually ended up writing a lot when I meant to keep it short but I probably will usually keep it shorter now cause I don't have as much time anymore to spend two or more hours writing and then rereading and then checking again and then posting).
This past weekend I also jumped back into Web Design and I sat in front of my computer the entire weekend, working on Mr. H's website and reading articles and tips on mostly CSS, and searching for certain specific things or questions, and trying to figure out why the homepage completely won't work right on Internet Explorer and discovering that web designers all view IE as the complete asshole of browsers (at least it wasn't just me), and then reading up a little on possible ways to address the IE situation but not finding exactly what I needed so I need to keep searching a little more. It was all so fun even when I was frustrated! And when I got too frustrated I just dropped the homepage IE issue and worked on another page instead and until I find the answer I'm not going to stress anymore. It was a good weekend though! I loved getting back into this stuff! And I've been reading my book on HTML and CSS as well cause I'm trying to get the foundation from the very beginning even while I'm also trying to do the real thing. Oh and on Sunday night I spent forever browsing beautiful CSS website designs and marveling at the things some professional web designers and graphic artists are able to do!
Okay, well now it's my bedtime. I'm also trying to learn to get up by myself now in the mornings. Mostly so I can take that bit of control away from my mom. She's being very supportive and being a very good cheerleader for my efforts right now, so that makes me happy. But two weeks ago she was an incredible crazy woman/controlling mother so I'm trying to ween us from that control part of the relationship right now.
Okay, well here it is now: a wonderful List of things I'm grateful for that begin with the letter 'L'
- Love is the most important thing in the world to me - loving myself, loving life, loving people, loving things, loving animals, loving seasons, loving smells, loving hope for the future. I love love! Three months ago today
I loved life, I found beauty in many days, I had ups and downs, I dreamed of certain things sometimes and tried not to let myself get too down, I had some truly wonderful friends. Three months ago from tomorrow
, I first met Mr. H in person and my whole life changed in the most amazing ways. I still love life, I still find beauty in many days, I still have ups and downs, I still dream and still try to not let my emotions get out of control when my hormones or brain chemistry is out of control, I still have some truly wonderful friends. But yet now, everything is different, and everything is brighter in a more peaceful way. I'm where I'm supposed to be, I'm with who I'm meant to be with, I feel such strong love from Mr. H and I feel such strong love for him. We're in this life together now and are no longer just on our own. His love gives me this incredible sense of freedom, it gives me a feeling of confidence and I love knowing that I'm always on his mind as he is on mine. I think so joyously of a few months down the road, of a year down the road, of five years down the road, of twenty-five years down the road. And I also think so joyously of waking up tomorrow morning thinking of him, of talking to him tomorrow maybe during the day and definitely in the evening, of seeing his smile on the webcam, and of the little moments of love and the little efforts we make. Finding love with Mr. H hasn't changed me inside, and hasn't changed the world outside, but yet it has changed so much and given me such a gift and lit such an extra light in my life, and I feel fulfilled and full of hope and full of joy and full of peace and full of light - and that feeling is with me always now, at every moment, because it's part of me now. I'm so grateful every day for the love Mr. H and I have found together, and I'm so grateful for Mr. H and the truly amazing and incredible person who he is, and I'm so so so grateful for everything about our situation, everything about our future, and just so so so so so so much! (I could go on and on now with this paragraph but I need to move on to all the other things I'm grateful for as well!)LIFE and LIVING
- I absolutely love and adore life, I love and adore living and feeling alive and experiencing the good, the bad, the sad, the incredible, the exciting, the terrible. I love the ups and I love the downs because they make the ups and the middles that much better. I am so grateful to be alive. I'm so grateful to be alive now. I'm so grateful for my life thus far. And I don't want to forget how precious life is, how easy it can be taken away, as Anu was. I want to feel grateful every day for this amazing place, the amazing people who I share it with, and for all the tiny experiences and interactions and feelings and sights and sounds and tastes and touches that make life and truly living life so wonderful and amazing and fabulous and incredible and enchanting!LAUGHTER
- Laughter is one of those amazing things that I love about being alive. Laughter is such a freeing feeling, it's a Lightness (see below), it's often a connection to others who are also truly living and loving. And sometimes it's a release, sometimes it's a fun break, and sometimes it just gets inside you and you have an almost tickle throughout your whole body that's just dying to escape and you can barely keep it in. I love it all!Lakes
- I'm so grateful for lakes, so even when we live in the middle of the continent, we can still fully enjoy the beauty of water. I grew up in Michigan so there were always lakes around, and I loved when we had a speedboat for a couple years and although we didn't have it docked anywhere, we'd take it to different lakes on the weekends and get to speed all around the lakes. Oh GOSH I just LOVE that feeling of going so fast over water! And now, living in Chicago, I love the amazing lake - Lake Michigan - that we have right here. I love the views from work, the fact that we can walk to it to go fishing during the warm months, I love walking by it, I love seeing it change colors with the sky and light. Having the lake so close definitely makes me happy, and I'm so grateful to be able to live so close to such amazing beauty and power.Light
- I'm so grateful for all kinds of light, both natural and artificial. I'm so grateful for the invention of lightbulbs so I can be surrounded by light right now instead of by a couple little candles. I'm so grateful for the Christmas lights that are mostly gone now but that make the season so much more festive and beautiful. I'm so grateful for all light because it makes life so so so much better. And I love the beauty of light as well - the shadows that it can cast, the glow it can give, the moods it can affect - it can be a very powerful element. And so affects photography as well!Language
- Oh I wish I was naturally better at learning languages. I'm still so filled with amazement sometimes when I think of just how many languages there are in the world! And I so wish I could speak more than one. I loved learning Spanish in high school. And I tried learning some French during law school but it was so hard with no one to practice with outside of class, and with classes so infrequent near the end. And then I tried learning German a couple years ago and I liked it but alcohol got in the way. I'm thinking of going back to Spanish. I'd love for my children to grow up with another language so their little brains can soak it up when they are like little sponges. I'd love for them to start out life being bilingual already. So it would help if I start learning Spanish again. But right now I have more important things so that'll have to come later. I'm so grateful though for all the beautiful and different languages of the world!Laws
- well, I don't love the law, and I don't love being a lawyer. But I'm still so grateful for all the laws which allow us to live in a safe and free society. And I'm also grateful that those laws give me a job!Lavender
- okay, I don't love
the scent of lavender, and I don't love the color lavender either. But I do appreciate it and I also appreciate it's calming and relaxing scent. A few years ago I got a couple books on essential oils and bought a bunch of oils as well. And now and then I'd make myself some home-remedy using my essential oils. But usually I just take them out now and then and remind myself of the importance of scents and how they can really affect my mood. I'll open first one vial and close my eyes and breathe it in and feel myself feeling a certain way in response to that scent. Then I'll go through and do the same with all the others. It's amazing, really, how much the scents can affect me mentally and physically. Going back to Lavender, I also just LOVE seeing pictures of the lavender fields in France. Someday I really really really want to go to France when the lavender fields are in bloom, and I want to walk through them for a whole day and just feel myself there, feel myself alive and at peace, and feel my hand in Mr. H's hand as we experience those feelings together. (And of course, we'll have to take a few hundred photos as well!)Lazy days
- oh I just LOVE lazy days, and I am SO grateful that I can have them often. Sometimes I think - if I lived a hundred years ago there would be no time to be lazy, no opportunity to be lazy, no days full of total free time. I'm so incredibly grateful
for these wonderful days to relax and recharge!Leaves
- I'm so grateful for the beauty and variety and magic of leaves. I love how they change colors in the fall, I love how they bud in the spring, I love how they're bright and shiny in the summer. And I especially love how they look when the sun is hitting them in certain ways, it's almost like magic! That's true natural beauty that renews itself every year, and beauty that has been available to every single human who has ever lived on the earth - how amazing is that!Leases
- I'm so grateful for the ability to be able to rent a place to live and to know that it's (almost) all mine for a certain period of time.Legs
- Oh I'm so so so grateful for my healthy legs and the ability to walk and run and stretch and kneel and do anything and everything with them. I have a reoccurring occasional nightmare where I'm trying to walk somewhere - usually just down a street - but one of my legs won't work and I have to kind of drag it behind me. It's a terrifying dream and I always wake scared that maybe my brain knows something that I don't know yet - that I have some terribly illness in my genes and that one day my legs actually won't work and I'll have to drag myself around. I'm just so grateful for having them now and having them healthy. I also think of people confined to wheelchairs as a method of getting around and how they would probably give so much just to be able to use their legs again. Not having the use of my legs would probably change my life and whole world more than most anything I could think of.Lemons
- I sometimes like to suck on lemon wedges from my plate after a meal, I like the sourness and it makes my mouth feel so clean and new. And I like to put a bit of lemon juice in my water now and then. And I like the fresh clean scent of lemons. And also - lemons are such a pretty, happy-looking color!Lenses
- I'm so so so grateful for my camera which makes me so happy and gives me such joy, and I'm so so so grateful for the wonderful lenses I have for it, which help me to take such beautiful and enchanting photos! And I'm also grateful for the lenses in my reading glasses which make the words a little clearer and easier to read.Lions
- well first of all I love cats, and I'm fascinated by all big cats. And I'm also a leo - aka a lioness! And while I may consider tigers to be the most beautiful and awe-inspiring of all the big cats, if I had to be a big cat (as opposed to a wonderfully-loved housecat which I would of course choose over being a cat in the wild), I would be a lion - because I love that they aren't solitary and instead have the whole pride, the whole family, there for support and help and cleaning and cuddling.Learning
- I love learning new things, I love learning interesting little things, I love learning little tidbits of information, and I'm so grateful that there's an infinite amount of stuff out there to learn, and I'm grateful that a lot of it interests me. And I'm also grateful for my ability to always learn new things and to learn to understand and see the world in new ways.Liberal arts
- literature, philosophy, languages, history, etc - these are all wonderful things to learn more about, so I'm so grateful for all the knowledge out there!Liberty
- "sum of rights and exemptions possessed in common by the people of a community, state, etc. - syn: freedom to choose, freedom from constraint or compulsion" - I'm so so so so so grateful for my freedom to choose absolutely anything for myself - when I really think about it, it makes me so incredibly grateful to be living right now and at this time. Especially as a woman, there really is no better time than the present to be alive. I can't believe how blessed and lucky we all are.Licenses
- I'm grateful that certain things are protected so not anyone can do/practice/perform it, and so I am in turn protected from potential harm.Licking
- "the state of being light, not heavy; mildness, nimbleness, delicacy, cheerfulness, lack of seriousness, etc." I'm so grateful for this feeling. I love
the feeling of lightness!! I love even how the word itself makes me feel light!!!Lilacs
- I just love love love love love the smell of lilacs in the spring!!! Oh my gosh, they smell just so amazingly beautiful, when I'm walking by them I try to breathe in as much of the beautiful scent as possible! Their smell is so strong, so intriguing, so exotic, so enchanting, so absolutely incredibly perfect!
I'm looking forward to spring now so I can smell them again!Lips
- I'm so grateful for my own lips and all the wonderful sensations I can feel with them, and I'm so grateful for the beauty of lips as well, and I'm also so grateful for Mr. H's wonderful lips - especially his bottom lip which is so wonderfully soft and just absolutely perfect!Lists!
- oh how I love lists! I love making lists so I can organize stuff in my mind, and I especially love crossing things off of my lists - I feel so so so good doing so! I've kind of fallen out of practice with lists over the past probably six months and I need to get back into it - it really helps to have all the stuff written out that I want to do, and even if I don't do it all I'm sure I accomplish much more than when I don't have a list in the first place. I think it also helps get it all out of my head and keeps me from getting that overwhelmed feeling. Tomorrow I'll start writing a list!Litter boxes
- I'm very grateful for the litter boxes and litter that I have for my babies. I'm grateful first because they can go potty in my apartment but not stink it all up, and I'm grateful that I don't have to take them outside, and I'm grateful that it's easy to clean.Liver
- I'm very grateful for my healthy liver! Right when I stopped drinking I had my doctor test my liver (through a blood test) and it was still healthy despite all the drinking I'd done, and I was so happy for that. And now it's a VERY healthy liver and I love that! I'm so grateful that I didn't do any real lasting damage to it during all those years.Loans
- well, it's not as if I like owing money to people/places, but I'm so grateful for the ability to borrow money to do things or get things, and I'm so grateful too for family and friends who have loaned me money to help me get out of my debt.Lubrication
- mmmmmmmmmmm! I love my female lubrication! And I love the lubrication from a bottle as well for whenever I need a little extra!Lungs
- I'm kind of freaked out about lung cancer - well I'm freaked out about all cancer but the fact that lung cancer can start even in young people and people who don't smoke freaks me out. And the fact that there aren't many easily-recognizeable warning signs until it's more advanced freaks me out. I so wish I could have a full-body X-ray right now! Just to make sure there's nothing growing anywhere that shouldn't be there! But back to being grateful though - I'm very grateful for my (hopefully!) very healthy lungs, and for my ability to breathe relatively normally (I sometimes need to take extra deep breaths cause I feel like I'm not getting air all the way into the bottom of my lungs. But I've had so many doctors listen and say it all sounds perfect so I really think it's a psychological thing).Lust
- I'm so grateful for the fabulous feeling of lust - it makes me feel so alive and so hungry and wonderful! And oh that makes me think of so many wonderful fantasies now - one of which Mr. H and I have already tried for the first of hundreds of times, and many that we still have to play with! :-)
To see who else is playing, visit CeeCi
Hormonal Days Suck
I've had a seriously hormonal day today. I haven't had one this bad in awhile I don't think. I feel so exhausted but I've tried falling asleep on my couch and can't and I keep getting hot and then cold but I don't have a temperature. I went through a period of terrible self-frustration this afternoon and spent half an hour locked in the bathroom crying after The Meat teased me about getting to work to late and I burst into tears in front of everyone. Then I was leaving early after I finally emerged from the bathroom, at 4:30, but I worried that if I didn't at least call The Meat he'd feel awful all night and when I called him and he apologized that caused me to start crying again because he had nothing to apologize for because I really do always get into work so late and why the fuck do I do that?! What the fuck is my problem with falling back asleep and then moving so slowly in the mornings?
Anyway though, he ordered me in his very authoritative way to go to his office and he talked to me for an hour and was completely wonderful and first gave me the biggest talk about how wonderful I am and listed all the reasons why over and over again - I was crying the whole time. He told me that no one is perfect and I'd be boring if I was perfect but my flaws are tiny compared to who I am and on and on and on. His message started getting through eventually. He also reminded me of what I already know, that my huge low of today is either hormonal or brain chemistry or both, and he's starting to even recognize my pattern of having one or two of these terribly low days every month or few weeks, where I get so angry with myself and can only focus on all my lacks and all I don't accomplish and all my failures. He suffers from depression so he knows the feeling well and told me to just breath and ride it out and I'll come out on the other side and return to normal.
Then I also talked to him about such a pointless worry of mine since late last night and even though I know it's ridiculous and not something to bother my mind with in the least, in my low of today it had just been there and eating at me and it was terrible. And even more frustrating because I KNOW it's not something to spend my time worrying about but I couldn't get it out of my head. The Meat told me just what Mr. Hands had told me earlier, and he also reminded me of all the reasons to NOT be worrying about such a pointless thing that doesn't matter in the least because it's all in the past anyway and the present and future is what's so wonderful and such a miracle. And he worked to set me straight in that area as well - well yes I was still crying during that as well but I couldn't help it and I was still feeling better even as I was crying.
Now I have a headache that's just come on. I took two tylenol about two hours ago cause I have a terrible cramping right now in one of my ovaries, or at least in that region. But the tylenol hasn't even hit that pain and now the headache is here even above and beyond the tylenol in my system. And I can't sleep, I can't cry because I'm all cried out, I feel like I have cabin fever in a terrible way. I'm such a mess and it really really really sucks! Especially because I know there's nothing I can do other than just ride it out like The Meat said. If I could fall asleep at least I wouldn't have to be conscious during it.
I started working on Mr. Hand's website tonight and I managed to get the bare basics done before I couldn't concentrate/eyes too tired/me too mentally exhausted to do anything more. So I'm happy at least that I finally took the first step there. Speaking of which, The Meat told me not to beat myself up for all the stuff I'm not doing like becoming the expert web designer and having the most beautifully clean house etc. because as he said, all those things take...time. And he asked me what my number one priority is, and I said it's my relationship with Mr. H. And he said, "that takes time, too, and so you're giving your time to what's the most important to you and the dishes can wait." The Meat is so wise and smart and logical. He always puts things in the perfect way and manages to bring me back to earth in a sense.
Then I also started crying again because the Swedish Meatball had a wonderful interview today and is set to get a job and I'm so happy for both him and for Freckles. But whenever anyone talks about interviewing or jobs or anything like that I always always always feel stress because while I don't want to leave my job and I don't know what I want to do yet, I still sometimes feel like a loser for being there for so long. The Meat responded to that by saying, "you're here because you're meant to be here right now." And then he reminded me about the wonderful family I have there, about how everyone there loves me so much, about how I'm exploring other things to do, and he just kept emphasizing that I'm there because that's where I need to be right now.
He's always telling me, well for the past year, and even more often in the past few months, that I'm almost the butterfly ready to fly, that I'm like the sculpture breaking free of the mound of stone - he's very poetic like that - and he tells me good things are coming my way, great things are happening. And he's right, I feel it. He also told me that he sees a light inside me and told me not to let these dark times hide my light and not forget it's there, and he said not many people have such a light inside them. I love when he's in one of those moods to tell me things like that! We also talked a lot about my relationship with Mr. H and how that's one of the great things happening, and The Meat was saying to love it, to appreciate every moment because it's the best thing in life. He talked about how there is such a sweetness and (he couldn't find the word and struggled to find the perfect word for awhile) to Mr. H and I and what we have, and that was so sweet to hear as well. I of course knew that he liked Mr. H after his two-hour interrogation of him, but he said it again today, that he "really likes Mr. H".
I'm going to try to go to sleep. I'll take another tylenol and close my eyes and think wonderful thoughts about Mr. H and I, and hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep and wake tomorrow to some drastically different hormonal levels. Oh - and last night I had started reading this little book called The Dragon-Slayer with a Heavy Heart - and the prescription given to the dragon-slayer for his heavy heart is Serenity. He's just about to start on the path and journey to find Serenity now, but I like that. And this morning the word of the day on my daily calendar was Serenity, and the little quote was about how what's inside you matters more than what is outside. I'll repeat that word to myself when I'm falling sleep cause it kind of relaxes me, just hearing the word. Kind of like the word Harmony does. And Peace. And Breathe (or Breath?). It's amazing how just saying certain words to myself can have such a physical reaction on my breathing and I almost feel my muscles relax and my whole self relax.
I'll be better tomorrow, I will! All of The Meat's logical words and wonderful words will hopefully resonate around in my head, and all of Mr. H's wonderful words from tonight and from every day since we first met in person will hopefully bounce around in my head to make me wake with the joy that I usually am feeling every day.
I know this post sucks, it's so unorganized and stream-of-conscious and probably pretty messy and all. BUT, I feel much more relaxed now at the end of it than I did when I first started writing and that's the most important thing. My headache is still here like a MoFo, but hopefully just closing my eyes for a bit will help. That and tylenol.
And I love you, my Incredibly Wonderful! :)
Finally, a post about lovely Anu
For Anu, I thought of this song:Seasons of Love :: Rent Soundtrack
(lyrics at the end of the post - they're wonderful lyrics, I think she would really love them)
I've been MIA for a very long time, by far the longest since I started blogging. So I'll first explain my absence.
My last post was on December 18 and on the 19th I found out from WDKY and e.e. that our wonderful, amazing, too-incredible-to-describe-with-simple-adjectives friend Anu
had died in a car crash on December 10. I can't tell you how devastated I was. It was so unfair to me that after all she had been through, she could be taken from this world in something as ordinary as a car accident. And I couldn't believe that she wasn't here any longer. And I couldn't stop thinking of all she was, all she was living for and how far she had come in just the past few months - and she was such an inspiration for me and brought me such smiles. She was, without a doubt, the most beautiful person I've ever known, and I had never even met her (as she lived in India).
I couldn't stop crying on that first day. And I cried the next day, and also the next day - although by then I was able to control it and not cry at work but only at home. I thought of her all the time, and I wanted to write a very long post that would do some bit of justice to the amazing person she was, that would illustrate a bit of her amazing spirit and positivity and fairytale charm. And I also stayed away from everyone else's blogs because 1) Anu's death just affected me so deeply and I needed to mourn her, and 2) I had this self-imposed rule that until I could write about Anu, I couldn't post about anything else or visit anyone else's blog.
So anyway, it was also so close to Christmas and my dad was driving to Chicago on the 22nd to pick up myself and James and Emma and take us back to Michigan, so I was so busy every night and even during lunches with trying to do last-minute things and get packed and also get fully ready for Christmas, so I went to bed late every night even without sitting down to write. Oh but actually on the first two nights after I heard, I just sat and reread all of my emails with Anu, and reread so many of my favorite posts of hers - but even though I had stuff in my head to say about her, I couldn't yet write it out.
Then it was the 22nd and my dad got us, and we were home in Michigan until the 27th. And my brother and sister-in-law were home most of that time, too, so I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. And then on the 29th after work, I flew to visit Mr. Hands and didn't get back until the evening of January 4th. So - all that is why I haven't written - because I had to deal with Anu's death, because I wanted to write about her in such a beautiful and perfect way and the task just built up more and more in my mind until nothing I wrote could do adequate justice to her, and lastly, because I was really busy and wasn't sitting around here very much and able to write.
A couple days ago I finally told myself that I just needed to write something and after that I could write my tribute to Anu, so that's what I'm finally now sitting down to do. I'll write more about her in coming posts, just for anyone who didn't know her and also for myself, so I can remember her and get my thoughts down. The Meat always says that in some Native American belief, a person never really dies as long as others are remembering and talking about that person. I don't want to forget about Anu or let her die in my memory because I found her to be too pure, too amazing, and she affected my life. And I'm not just saying that now, after she died. I'm so happy now that I always told her just how wonderful and amazing she was, and I want to always be that way with the people who I love and also the people who just make me happy for a day or affect my life in a positive way.
After I found out that Anu died, a small part of me found peace in thinking that her spirit was just almost too advanced and too high for this world - she belongs more as a beautiful angel or fairy floating along with the breeze, dancing on flower petals and laughing as children run and play in the grass. I reread her last poem on her poetry blog
, posted on December 7th, so many times, and The Meat actually put it to music for me. I'm going to repost it here, because it always sends chills down my spine when I read it:the night-watcher
today as I cuddled into bed
under the window,
I felt like someone was
watching me intently.
I got up and peered out of the window
and saw a big round silver moon
peaping through the gaps in the trees
to look at me sleeping
I waved out to the moon and
climbed back into my bedsheets
the moon stayed up all night
shining onto my beautiful moon face
at 5am today when I woke up, I looked up for the moon
and it was gone,
perhaps, it has gone to shine on another beautiful face!
I can't believe she's gone, I still can't believe it. There's definitely a void in the world without her. I've dreamt of her a couple times. I can't remember the first one but in the second one, I went to her blog and she had posted, so I wrote to her and then suddenly she was here and had scars on her face but told me that a dog had pulled her from the car accident and she was okay, she survived. I woke up remembering every image and every sound from it.
I don't talk about her much anymore to everyone, but I think of her many times every day. Especially when I'm outside because even when she was alive I would think of her sometimes when I felt the wind in my hair or saw green leaves dancing in the sunlight. And she enters my thoughts at other times, too, and I still can't get beyond the huge feeling of unfairness, of how she could be taken by something so ordinary when she had lived so bravely with kidney failure for over two years and dealt with that and other things in life in the most incredible hopeful and amazing way - she really was a Pollyana, a book she had discovered a few months ago and loved.
Anu was 30, the same age as I, and we were born less than two months apart. We talked about that and about how similar we are (were) in our views and happiness and joy we both got from nature and from all things lovely. I know the fact that we were both the same age is one small reason why her death affected me so much. Like me, even though she was thirty, she was truly coming into her own finally, discovering herself and how amazing she was and how amazing everything was. And then it was all taken away and it's just not right, not fair - she should be watching the moon right now and dreaming of her prince charming, or being actually kissed by him.
Speaking of prince charming, on her birthday, September 16, in response to a couple e-cards I sent, she wrote, amongst other beautiful things, "I'm wishing that a sweet handsome loving caring prince will carry you off your feet and kiss you gently on your soft sensual lips in the coming days." And just about five weeks later, that exact thing happened when I met Mr. Hands in person. Her wish for me came true in the most amazing and perfect way.
And I can't tell you how much her posts affected me as well. Usually, after I finished reading what she wrote, I would think, "that's exactly what I think, it's perfect, but I didn't realize I thought it before and/or I never could have stated it so poetically and perfectly." And I saved so many of her posts - I'd copy them and email them to myself so I would have them always. Her whole blog is so full of revelations and poetry and love and magic and hope and beauty, and I don't want to forget what she's written and taught me just because she's not here to keep writing more.
I've written before about how Mr. Hands sends me a song every morning to wake up to, and a couple days after I found out about Anu's death, he sent me a very cool and amazingly beautiful jazz song but one that talked about a car crash in which a girl died. I knew even as I was listening to it that he didn't remember what the song was about when he sent it, and he confirmed that of course - but after the brutal description of the crash, during which I sat with open mouth and probably white face, there was a magical ending to the song and it seemed perfect in so many ways. At the end, the girl in the song looked up at the full moon and reached out her arms to grab onto it, and disappeared. I could completely imagine that with Anu - she would go to dance with the moon and send sparkles of magic moonlight falling onto all of us.
I know I'll write more about Anu, and write more about some of her posts, and about her comments on my blog and my comments on hers. I don't want to forget her and I think of her so often even though I never met her or new her in person, so I want to remember her and honor her wonderful words and the wonderful and truly truly truly amazing person that she was. I completely loved and adored her, and saw her as both a magical girl younger than her years, and as a wise poet sage, a shaman of sorts, whose wisdom completely belied her years. She was someone so incredibly special
, and I can't possibly do justice to her with mere words or adjectives. I know she's out there, whether as a spirit or fairy or butterfly or moon, or whether she's in heaven or already reborn as a beautiful baby - I just know that her spirit is still around. But I miss not having her here with all of us, I really really miss that.
I'm also so sorry to all my blogger friends who I have stayed away from, both in emails and in going to read your words. You all reminded me of her so much and I needed to deal with her loss before I could come back. I haven't had much experience at all with death, so this was pretty new to me, but I do know that I retreat when I go through something bad and I hide for awhile until I've dealt with it internally - of course I didn't hide in real life but I hid from all of you and from the whole blogging world for a bit, and that makes me feel really awful and like not a good person so much. I've missed my friendships.
That's all for now, I'm very melancholy and thinking alot about Anu now. When I was visiting Mr. Hands last week we went into an amazing store filled with all kinds of treasures from around the world, and Mr. Hands bought a really cool little wall hanging that's a diamond shape made out of many little heart-shaped wrought iron pieces, and hanging in the middle of each heart is a little tin bell, and larger tin bells hang along the bottom two sides of the diamond. The little sticker said "Made in India" and the bells make the most magical and enchanting sound when you shake the whole thing - I said it reminded me of Anu and I'd think of her every time I saw it and heard the bells, and I will.
I'll also say quickly that I had the most amazing time on my visit with my love, and I love and adore him completely. He is my miracle and brings me such incredible happiness, and I love every day and also look forward to so so so many things with him in the coming year and many years after that. :) I'll write more about that later, but this post is about Anu and not about Mr. Hands and I, so I'll leave it at that for now.
I'm not going to reread and edit this post, so please forgive any spelling or grammar errors I may have made.Seasons of Love (Rent Soundtrack)525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died
It's time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love