Hormonal Days Suck
I've had a seriously hormonal day today. I haven't had one this bad in awhile I don't think. I feel so exhausted but I've tried falling asleep on my couch and can't and I keep getting hot and then cold but I don't have a temperature. I went through a period of terrible self-frustration this afternoon and spent half an hour locked in the bathroom crying after The Meat teased me about getting to work to late and I burst into tears in front of everyone. Then I was leaving early after I finally emerged from the bathroom, at 4:30, but I worried that if I didn't at least call The Meat he'd feel awful all night and when I called him and he apologized that caused me to start crying again because he had nothing to apologize for because I really do always get into work so late and why the fuck do I do that?! What the fuck is my problem with falling back asleep and then moving so slowly in the mornings?
Anyway though, he ordered me in his very authoritative way to go to his office and he talked to me for an hour and was completely wonderful and first gave me the biggest talk about how wonderful I am and listed all the reasons why over and over again - I was crying the whole time. He told me that no one is perfect and I'd be boring if I was perfect but my flaws are tiny compared to who I am and on and on and on. His message started getting through eventually. He also reminded me of what I already know, that my huge low of today is either hormonal or brain chemistry or both, and he's starting to even recognize my pattern of having one or two of these terribly low days every month or few weeks, where I get so angry with myself and can only focus on all my lacks and all I don't accomplish and all my failures. He suffers from depression so he knows the feeling well and told me to just breath and ride it out and I'll come out on the other side and return to normal.
Then I also talked to him about such a pointless worry of mine since late last night and even though I know it's ridiculous and not something to bother my mind with in the least, in my low of today it had just been there and eating at me and it was terrible. And even more frustrating because I KNOW it's not something to spend my time worrying about but I couldn't get it out of my head. The Meat told me just what Mr. Hands had told me earlier, and he also reminded me of all the reasons to NOT be worrying about such a pointless thing that doesn't matter in the least because it's all in the past anyway and the present and future is what's so wonderful and such a miracle. And he worked to set me straight in that area as well - well yes I was still crying during that as well but I couldn't help it and I was still feeling better even as I was crying.
Now I have a headache that's just come on. I took two tylenol about two hours ago cause I have a terrible cramping right now in one of my ovaries, or at least in that region. But the tylenol hasn't even hit that pain and now the headache is here even above and beyond the tylenol in my system. And I can't sleep, I can't cry because I'm all cried out, I feel like I have cabin fever in a terrible way. I'm such a mess and it really really really sucks! Especially because I know there's nothing I can do other than just ride it out like The Meat said. If I could fall asleep at least I wouldn't have to be conscious during it.
I started working on Mr. Hand's website tonight and I managed to get the bare basics done before I couldn't concentrate/eyes too tired/me too mentally exhausted to do anything more. So I'm happy at least that I finally took the first step there. Speaking of which, The Meat told me not to beat myself up for all the stuff I'm not doing like becoming the expert web designer and having the most beautifully clean house etc. because as he said, all those things take...time. And he asked me what my number one priority is, and I said it's my relationship with Mr. H. And he said, "that takes time, too, and so you're giving your time to what's the most important to you and the dishes can wait." The Meat is so wise and smart and logical. He always puts things in the perfect way and manages to bring me back to earth in a sense.
Then I also started crying again because the Swedish Meatball had a wonderful interview today and is set to get a job and I'm so happy for both him and for Freckles. But whenever anyone talks about interviewing or jobs or anything like that I always always always feel stress because while I don't want to leave my job and I don't know what I want to do yet, I still sometimes feel like a loser for being there for so long. The Meat responded to that by saying, "you're here because you're meant to be here right now." And then he reminded me about the wonderful family I have there, about how everyone there loves me so much, about how I'm exploring other things to do, and he just kept emphasizing that I'm there because that's where I need to be right now.
He's always telling me, well for the past year, and even more often in the past few months, that I'm almost the butterfly ready to fly, that I'm like the sculpture breaking free of the mound of stone - he's very poetic like that - and he tells me good things are coming my way, great things are happening. And he's right, I feel it. He also told me that he sees a light inside me and told me not to let these dark times hide my light and not forget it's there, and he said not many people have such a light inside them. I love when he's in one of those moods to tell me things like that! We also talked a lot about my relationship with Mr. H and how that's one of the great things happening, and The Meat was saying to love it, to appreciate every moment because it's the best thing in life. He talked about how there is such a sweetness and (he couldn't find the word and struggled to find the perfect word for awhile) to Mr. H and I and what we have, and that was so sweet to hear as well. I of course knew that he liked Mr. H after his two-hour interrogation of him, but he said it again today, that he "really likes Mr. H".
I'm going to try to go to sleep. I'll take another tylenol and close my eyes and think wonderful thoughts about Mr. H and I, and hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep and wake tomorrow to some drastically different hormonal levels. Oh - and last night I had started reading this little book called The Dragon-Slayer with a Heavy Heart - and the prescription given to the dragon-slayer for his heavy heart is Serenity. He's just about to start on the path and journey to find Serenity now, but I like that. And this morning the word of the day on my daily calendar was Serenity, and the little quote was about how what's inside you matters more than what is outside. I'll repeat that word to myself when I'm falling sleep cause it kind of relaxes me, just hearing the word. Kind of like the word Harmony does. And Peace. And Breathe (or Breath?). It's amazing how just saying certain words to myself can have such a physical reaction on my breathing and I almost feel my muscles relax and my whole self relax.
I'll be better tomorrow, I will! All of The Meat's logical words and wonderful words will hopefully resonate around in my head, and all of Mr. H's wonderful words from tonight and from every day since we first met in person will hopefully bounce around in my head to make me wake with the joy that I usually am feeling every day.
I know this post sucks, it's so unorganized and stream-of-conscious and probably pretty messy and all. BUT, I feel much more relaxed now at the end of it than I did when I first started writing and that's the most important thing. My headache is still here like a MoFo, but hopefully just closing my eyes for a bit will help. That and tylenol.
And I love you, my Incredibly Wonderful! :)
Anyway though, he ordered me in his very authoritative way to go to his office and he talked to me for an hour and was completely wonderful and first gave me the biggest talk about how wonderful I am and listed all the reasons why over and over again - I was crying the whole time. He told me that no one is perfect and I'd be boring if I was perfect but my flaws are tiny compared to who I am and on and on and on. His message started getting through eventually. He also reminded me of what I already know, that my huge low of today is either hormonal or brain chemistry or both, and he's starting to even recognize my pattern of having one or two of these terribly low days every month or few weeks, where I get so angry with myself and can only focus on all my lacks and all I don't accomplish and all my failures. He suffers from depression so he knows the feeling well and told me to just breath and ride it out and I'll come out on the other side and return to normal.
Then I also talked to him about such a pointless worry of mine since late last night and even though I know it's ridiculous and not something to bother my mind with in the least, in my low of today it had just been there and eating at me and it was terrible. And even more frustrating because I KNOW it's not something to spend my time worrying about but I couldn't get it out of my head. The Meat told me just what Mr. Hands had told me earlier, and he also reminded me of all the reasons to NOT be worrying about such a pointless thing that doesn't matter in the least because it's all in the past anyway and the present and future is what's so wonderful and such a miracle. And he worked to set me straight in that area as well - well yes I was still crying during that as well but I couldn't help it and I was still feeling better even as I was crying.
Now I have a headache that's just come on. I took two tylenol about two hours ago cause I have a terrible cramping right now in one of my ovaries, or at least in that region. But the tylenol hasn't even hit that pain and now the headache is here even above and beyond the tylenol in my system. And I can't sleep, I can't cry because I'm all cried out, I feel like I have cabin fever in a terrible way. I'm such a mess and it really really really sucks! Especially because I know there's nothing I can do other than just ride it out like The Meat said. If I could fall asleep at least I wouldn't have to be conscious during it.
I started working on Mr. Hand's website tonight and I managed to get the bare basics done before I couldn't concentrate/eyes too tired/me too mentally exhausted to do anything more. So I'm happy at least that I finally took the first step there. Speaking of which, The Meat told me not to beat myself up for all the stuff I'm not doing like becoming the expert web designer and having the most beautifully clean house etc. because as he said, all those things take...time. And he asked me what my number one priority is, and I said it's my relationship with Mr. H. And he said, "that takes time, too, and so you're giving your time to what's the most important to you and the dishes can wait." The Meat is so wise and smart and logical. He always puts things in the perfect way and manages to bring me back to earth in a sense.
Then I also started crying again because the Swedish Meatball had a wonderful interview today and is set to get a job and I'm so happy for both him and for Freckles. But whenever anyone talks about interviewing or jobs or anything like that I always always always feel stress because while I don't want to leave my job and I don't know what I want to do yet, I still sometimes feel like a loser for being there for so long. The Meat responded to that by saying, "you're here because you're meant to be here right now." And then he reminded me about the wonderful family I have there, about how everyone there loves me so much, about how I'm exploring other things to do, and he just kept emphasizing that I'm there because that's where I need to be right now.
He's always telling me, well for the past year, and even more often in the past few months, that I'm almost the butterfly ready to fly, that I'm like the sculpture breaking free of the mound of stone - he's very poetic like that - and he tells me good things are coming my way, great things are happening. And he's right, I feel it. He also told me that he sees a light inside me and told me not to let these dark times hide my light and not forget it's there, and he said not many people have such a light inside them. I love when he's in one of those moods to tell me things like that! We also talked a lot about my relationship with Mr. H and how that's one of the great things happening, and The Meat was saying to love it, to appreciate every moment because it's the best thing in life. He talked about how there is such a sweetness and (he couldn't find the word and struggled to find the perfect word for awhile) to Mr. H and I and what we have, and that was so sweet to hear as well. I of course knew that he liked Mr. H after his two-hour interrogation of him, but he said it again today, that he "really likes Mr. H".
I'm going to try to go to sleep. I'll take another tylenol and close my eyes and think wonderful thoughts about Mr. H and I, and hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep and wake tomorrow to some drastically different hormonal levels. Oh - and last night I had started reading this little book called The Dragon-Slayer with a Heavy Heart - and the prescription given to the dragon-slayer for his heavy heart is Serenity. He's just about to start on the path and journey to find Serenity now, but I like that. And this morning the word of the day on my daily calendar was Serenity, and the little quote was about how what's inside you matters more than what is outside. I'll repeat that word to myself when I'm falling sleep cause it kind of relaxes me, just hearing the word. Kind of like the word Harmony does. And Peace. And Breathe (or Breath?). It's amazing how just saying certain words to myself can have such a physical reaction on my breathing and I almost feel my muscles relax and my whole self relax.
I'll be better tomorrow, I will! All of The Meat's logical words and wonderful words will hopefully resonate around in my head, and all of Mr. H's wonderful words from tonight and from every day since we first met in person will hopefully bounce around in my head to make me wake with the joy that I usually am feeling every day.
I know this post sucks, it's so unorganized and stream-of-conscious and probably pretty messy and all. BUT, I feel much more relaxed now at the end of it than I did when I first started writing and that's the most important thing. My headache is still here like a MoFo, but hopefully just closing my eyes for a bit will help. That and tylenol.
And I love you, my Incredibly Wonderful! :)
