Finally, a post about lovely Anu
For Anu, I thought of this song:
Seasons of Love :: Rent Soundtrack (lyrics at the end of the post - they're wonderful lyrics, I think she would really love them)
I've been MIA for a very long time, by far the longest since I started blogging. So I'll first explain my absence.
My last post was on December 18 and on the 19th I found out from WDKY and e.e. that our wonderful, amazing, too-incredible-to-describe-with-simple-adjectives friend Anu had died in a car crash on December 10. I can't tell you how devastated I was. It was so unfair to me that after all she had been through, she could be taken from this world in something as ordinary as a car accident. And I couldn't believe that she wasn't here any longer. And I couldn't stop thinking of all she was, all she was living for and how far she had come in just the past few months - and she was such an inspiration for me and brought me such smiles. She was, without a doubt, the most beautiful person I've ever known, and I had never even met her (as she lived in India).
I couldn't stop crying on that first day. And I cried the next day, and also the next day - although by then I was able to control it and not cry at work but only at home. I thought of her all the time, and I wanted to write a very long post that would do some bit of justice to the amazing person she was, that would illustrate a bit of her amazing spirit and positivity and fairytale charm. And I also stayed away from everyone else's blogs because 1) Anu's death just affected me so deeply and I needed to mourn her, and 2) I had this self-imposed rule that until I could write about Anu, I couldn't post about anything else or visit anyone else's blog.
So anyway, it was also so close to Christmas and my dad was driving to Chicago on the 22nd to pick up myself and James and Emma and take us back to Michigan, so I was so busy every night and even during lunches with trying to do last-minute things and get packed and also get fully ready for Christmas, so I went to bed late every night even without sitting down to write. Oh but actually on the first two nights after I heard, I just sat and reread all of my emails with Anu, and reread so many of my favorite posts of hers - but even though I had stuff in my head to say about her, I couldn't yet write it out.
Then it was the 22nd and my dad got us, and we were home in Michigan until the 27th. And my brother and sister-in-law were home most of that time, too, so I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. And then on the 29th after work, I flew to visit Mr. Hands and didn't get back until the evening of January 4th. So - all that is why I haven't written - because I had to deal with Anu's death, because I wanted to write about her in such a beautiful and perfect way and the task just built up more and more in my mind until nothing I wrote could do adequate justice to her, and lastly, because I was really busy and wasn't sitting around here very much and able to write.
A couple days ago I finally told myself that I just needed to write something and after that I could write my tribute to Anu, so that's what I'm finally now sitting down to do. I'll write more about her in coming posts, just for anyone who didn't know her and also for myself, so I can remember her and get my thoughts down. The Meat always says that in some Native American belief, a person never really dies as long as others are remembering and talking about that person. I don't want to forget about Anu or let her die in my memory because I found her to be too pure, too amazing, and she affected my life. And I'm not just saying that now, after she died. I'm so happy now that I always told her just how wonderful and amazing she was, and I want to always be that way with the people who I love and also the people who just make me happy for a day or affect my life in a positive way.
After I found out that Anu died, a small part of me found peace in thinking that her spirit was just almost too advanced and too high for this world - she belongs more as a beautiful angel or fairy floating along with the breeze, dancing on flower petals and laughing as children run and play in the grass. I reread her last poem on her poetry blog, posted on December 7th, so many times, and The Meat actually put it to music for me. I'm going to repost it here, because it always sends chills down my spine when I read it:
the night-watcher
today as I cuddled into bed
under the window,
I felt like someone was
watching me intently.
I got up and peered out of the window
and saw a big round silver moon
peaping through the gaps in the trees
to look at me sleeping
I waved out to the moon and
climbed back into my bedsheets
the moon stayed up all night
shining onto my beautiful moon face
at 5am today when I woke up, I looked up for the moon
and it was gone,
perhaps, it has gone to shine on another beautiful face!
I can't believe she's gone, I still can't believe it. There's definitely a void in the world without her. I've dreamt of her a couple times. I can't remember the first one but in the second one, I went to her blog and she had posted, so I wrote to her and then suddenly she was here and had scars on her face but told me that a dog had pulled her from the car accident and she was okay, she survived. I woke up remembering every image and every sound from it.
I don't talk about her much anymore to everyone, but I think of her many times every day. Especially when I'm outside because even when she was alive I would think of her sometimes when I felt the wind in my hair or saw green leaves dancing in the sunlight. And she enters my thoughts at other times, too, and I still can't get beyond the huge feeling of unfairness, of how she could be taken by something so ordinary when she had lived so bravely with kidney failure for over two years and dealt with that and other things in life in the most incredible hopeful and amazing way - she really was a Pollyana, a book she had discovered a few months ago and loved.
Anu was 30, the same age as I, and we were born less than two months apart. We talked about that and about how similar we are (were) in our views and happiness and joy we both got from nature and from all things lovely. I know the fact that we were both the same age is one small reason why her death affected me so much. Like me, even though she was thirty, she was truly coming into her own finally, discovering herself and how amazing she was and how amazing everything was. And then it was all taken away and it's just not right, not fair - she should be watching the moon right now and dreaming of her prince charming, or being actually kissed by him.
Speaking of prince charming, on her birthday, September 16, in response to a couple e-cards I sent, she wrote, amongst other beautiful things, "I'm wishing that a sweet handsome loving caring prince will carry you off your feet and kiss you gently on your soft sensual lips in the coming days." And just about five weeks later, that exact thing happened when I met Mr. Hands in person. Her wish for me came true in the most amazing and perfect way.
And I can't tell you how much her posts affected me as well. Usually, after I finished reading what she wrote, I would think, "that's exactly what I think, it's perfect, but I didn't realize I thought it before and/or I never could have stated it so poetically and perfectly." And I saved so many of her posts - I'd copy them and email them to myself so I would have them always. Her whole blog is so full of revelations and poetry and love and magic and hope and beauty, and I don't want to forget what she's written and taught me just because she's not here to keep writing more.
I've written before about how Mr. Hands sends me a song every morning to wake up to, and a couple days after I found out about Anu's death, he sent me a very cool and amazingly beautiful jazz song but one that talked about a car crash in which a girl died. I knew even as I was listening to it that he didn't remember what the song was about when he sent it, and he confirmed that of course - but after the brutal description of the crash, during which I sat with open mouth and probably white face, there was a magical ending to the song and it seemed perfect in so many ways. At the end, the girl in the song looked up at the full moon and reached out her arms to grab onto it, and disappeared. I could completely imagine that with Anu - she would go to dance with the moon and send sparkles of magic moonlight falling onto all of us.
I know I'll write more about Anu, and write more about some of her posts, and about her comments on my blog and my comments on hers. I don't want to forget her and I think of her so often even though I never met her or new her in person, so I want to remember her and honor her wonderful words and the wonderful and truly truly truly amazing person that she was. I completely loved and adored her, and saw her as both a magical girl younger than her years, and as a wise poet sage, a shaman of sorts, whose wisdom completely belied her years. She was someone so incredibly special, and I can't possibly do justice to her with mere words or adjectives. I know she's out there, whether as a spirit or fairy or butterfly or moon, or whether she's in heaven or already reborn as a beautiful baby - I just know that her spirit is still around. But I miss not having her here with all of us, I really really miss that.
I'm also so sorry to all my blogger friends who I have stayed away from, both in emails and in going to read your words. You all reminded me of her so much and I needed to deal with her loss before I could come back. I haven't had much experience at all with death, so this was pretty new to me, but I do know that I retreat when I go through something bad and I hide for awhile until I've dealt with it internally - of course I didn't hide in real life but I hid from all of you and from the whole blogging world for a bit, and that makes me feel really awful and like not a good person so much. I've missed my friendships.
That's all for now, I'm very melancholy and thinking alot about Anu now. When I was visiting Mr. Hands last week we went into an amazing store filled with all kinds of treasures from around the world, and Mr. Hands bought a really cool little wall hanging that's a diamond shape made out of many little heart-shaped wrought iron pieces, and hanging in the middle of each heart is a little tin bell, and larger tin bells hang along the bottom two sides of the diamond. The little sticker said "Made in India" and the bells make the most magical and enchanting sound when you shake the whole thing - I said it reminded me of Anu and I'd think of her every time I saw it and heard the bells, and I will.
I'll also say quickly that I had the most amazing time on my visit with my love, and I love and adore him completely. He is my miracle and brings me such incredible happiness, and I love every day and also look forward to so so so many things with him in the coming year and many years after that. :) I'll write more about that later, but this post is about Anu and not about Mr. Hands and I, so I'll leave it at that for now.
I'm not going to reread and edit this post, so please forgive any spelling or grammar errors I may have made.
Seasons of Love (Rent Soundtrack)
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died
It's time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
Seasons of Love :: Rent Soundtrack (lyrics at the end of the post - they're wonderful lyrics, I think she would really love them)
I've been MIA for a very long time, by far the longest since I started blogging. So I'll first explain my absence.
My last post was on December 18 and on the 19th I found out from WDKY and e.e. that our wonderful, amazing, too-incredible-to-describe-with-simple-adjectives friend Anu had died in a car crash on December 10. I can't tell you how devastated I was. It was so unfair to me that after all she had been through, she could be taken from this world in something as ordinary as a car accident. And I couldn't believe that she wasn't here any longer. And I couldn't stop thinking of all she was, all she was living for and how far she had come in just the past few months - and she was such an inspiration for me and brought me such smiles. She was, without a doubt, the most beautiful person I've ever known, and I had never even met her (as she lived in India).
I couldn't stop crying on that first day. And I cried the next day, and also the next day - although by then I was able to control it and not cry at work but only at home. I thought of her all the time, and I wanted to write a very long post that would do some bit of justice to the amazing person she was, that would illustrate a bit of her amazing spirit and positivity and fairytale charm. And I also stayed away from everyone else's blogs because 1) Anu's death just affected me so deeply and I needed to mourn her, and 2) I had this self-imposed rule that until I could write about Anu, I couldn't post about anything else or visit anyone else's blog.
So anyway, it was also so close to Christmas and my dad was driving to Chicago on the 22nd to pick up myself and James and Emma and take us back to Michigan, so I was so busy every night and even during lunches with trying to do last-minute things and get packed and also get fully ready for Christmas, so I went to bed late every night even without sitting down to write. Oh but actually on the first two nights after I heard, I just sat and reread all of my emails with Anu, and reread so many of my favorite posts of hers - but even though I had stuff in my head to say about her, I couldn't yet write it out.
Then it was the 22nd and my dad got us, and we were home in Michigan until the 27th. And my brother and sister-in-law were home most of that time, too, so I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. And then on the 29th after work, I flew to visit Mr. Hands and didn't get back until the evening of January 4th. So - all that is why I haven't written - because I had to deal with Anu's death, because I wanted to write about her in such a beautiful and perfect way and the task just built up more and more in my mind until nothing I wrote could do adequate justice to her, and lastly, because I was really busy and wasn't sitting around here very much and able to write.
A couple days ago I finally told myself that I just needed to write something and after that I could write my tribute to Anu, so that's what I'm finally now sitting down to do. I'll write more about her in coming posts, just for anyone who didn't know her and also for myself, so I can remember her and get my thoughts down. The Meat always says that in some Native American belief, a person never really dies as long as others are remembering and talking about that person. I don't want to forget about Anu or let her die in my memory because I found her to be too pure, too amazing, and she affected my life. And I'm not just saying that now, after she died. I'm so happy now that I always told her just how wonderful and amazing she was, and I want to always be that way with the people who I love and also the people who just make me happy for a day or affect my life in a positive way.
After I found out that Anu died, a small part of me found peace in thinking that her spirit was just almost too advanced and too high for this world - she belongs more as a beautiful angel or fairy floating along with the breeze, dancing on flower petals and laughing as children run and play in the grass. I reread her last poem on her poetry blog, posted on December 7th, so many times, and The Meat actually put it to music for me. I'm going to repost it here, because it always sends chills down my spine when I read it:
the night-watcher
today as I cuddled into bed
under the window,
I felt like someone was
watching me intently.
I got up and peered out of the window
and saw a big round silver moon
peaping through the gaps in the trees
to look at me sleeping
I waved out to the moon and
climbed back into my bedsheets
the moon stayed up all night
shining onto my beautiful moon face
at 5am today when I woke up, I looked up for the moon
and it was gone,
perhaps, it has gone to shine on another beautiful face!
I can't believe she's gone, I still can't believe it. There's definitely a void in the world without her. I've dreamt of her a couple times. I can't remember the first one but in the second one, I went to her blog and she had posted, so I wrote to her and then suddenly she was here and had scars on her face but told me that a dog had pulled her from the car accident and she was okay, she survived. I woke up remembering every image and every sound from it.
I don't talk about her much anymore to everyone, but I think of her many times every day. Especially when I'm outside because even when she was alive I would think of her sometimes when I felt the wind in my hair or saw green leaves dancing in the sunlight. And she enters my thoughts at other times, too, and I still can't get beyond the huge feeling of unfairness, of how she could be taken by something so ordinary when she had lived so bravely with kidney failure for over two years and dealt with that and other things in life in the most incredible hopeful and amazing way - she really was a Pollyana, a book she had discovered a few months ago and loved.
Anu was 30, the same age as I, and we were born less than two months apart. We talked about that and about how similar we are (were) in our views and happiness and joy we both got from nature and from all things lovely. I know the fact that we were both the same age is one small reason why her death affected me so much. Like me, even though she was thirty, she was truly coming into her own finally, discovering herself and how amazing she was and how amazing everything was. And then it was all taken away and it's just not right, not fair - she should be watching the moon right now and dreaming of her prince charming, or being actually kissed by him.
Speaking of prince charming, on her birthday, September 16, in response to a couple e-cards I sent, she wrote, amongst other beautiful things, "I'm wishing that a sweet handsome loving caring prince will carry you off your feet and kiss you gently on your soft sensual lips in the coming days." And just about five weeks later, that exact thing happened when I met Mr. Hands in person. Her wish for me came true in the most amazing and perfect way.
And I can't tell you how much her posts affected me as well. Usually, after I finished reading what she wrote, I would think, "that's exactly what I think, it's perfect, but I didn't realize I thought it before and/or I never could have stated it so poetically and perfectly." And I saved so many of her posts - I'd copy them and email them to myself so I would have them always. Her whole blog is so full of revelations and poetry and love and magic and hope and beauty, and I don't want to forget what she's written and taught me just because she's not here to keep writing more.
I've written before about how Mr. Hands sends me a song every morning to wake up to, and a couple days after I found out about Anu's death, he sent me a very cool and amazingly beautiful jazz song but one that talked about a car crash in which a girl died. I knew even as I was listening to it that he didn't remember what the song was about when he sent it, and he confirmed that of course - but after the brutal description of the crash, during which I sat with open mouth and probably white face, there was a magical ending to the song and it seemed perfect in so many ways. At the end, the girl in the song looked up at the full moon and reached out her arms to grab onto it, and disappeared. I could completely imagine that with Anu - she would go to dance with the moon and send sparkles of magic moonlight falling onto all of us.
I know I'll write more about Anu, and write more about some of her posts, and about her comments on my blog and my comments on hers. I don't want to forget her and I think of her so often even though I never met her or new her in person, so I want to remember her and honor her wonderful words and the wonderful and truly truly truly amazing person that she was. I completely loved and adored her, and saw her as both a magical girl younger than her years, and as a wise poet sage, a shaman of sorts, whose wisdom completely belied her years. She was someone so incredibly special, and I can't possibly do justice to her with mere words or adjectives. I know she's out there, whether as a spirit or fairy or butterfly or moon, or whether she's in heaven or already reborn as a beautiful baby - I just know that her spirit is still around. But I miss not having her here with all of us, I really really miss that.
I'm also so sorry to all my blogger friends who I have stayed away from, both in emails and in going to read your words. You all reminded me of her so much and I needed to deal with her loss before I could come back. I haven't had much experience at all with death, so this was pretty new to me, but I do know that I retreat when I go through something bad and I hide for awhile until I've dealt with it internally - of course I didn't hide in real life but I hid from all of you and from the whole blogging world for a bit, and that makes me feel really awful and like not a good person so much. I've missed my friendships.
That's all for now, I'm very melancholy and thinking alot about Anu now. When I was visiting Mr. Hands last week we went into an amazing store filled with all kinds of treasures from around the world, and Mr. Hands bought a really cool little wall hanging that's a diamond shape made out of many little heart-shaped wrought iron pieces, and hanging in the middle of each heart is a little tin bell, and larger tin bells hang along the bottom two sides of the diamond. The little sticker said "Made in India" and the bells make the most magical and enchanting sound when you shake the whole thing - I said it reminded me of Anu and I'd think of her every time I saw it and heard the bells, and I will.
I'll also say quickly that I had the most amazing time on my visit with my love, and I love and adore him completely. He is my miracle and brings me such incredible happiness, and I love every day and also look forward to so so so many things with him in the coming year and many years after that. :) I'll write more about that later, but this post is about Anu and not about Mr. Hands and I, so I'll leave it at that for now.
I'm not going to reread and edit this post, so please forgive any spelling or grammar errors I may have made.
Seasons of Love (Rent Soundtrack)
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died
It's time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
