State of mind today
I want to thank everyone who commented or emailed me or called me today for being so wonderful and supportive and giving me strength. It's truly such a wonderful feeling to feel that I have people behind me who care, it makes me feel not so alone and instead all warm and fuzzy inside!!
Today I felt resigned for part of the day and strong for part of the day. I know what I need to do, I know how important it is and that I can't possibly move forward if I stay stuck in a relationship that never moves. So I've spent most of my mental energy today, when I thought about it, just being positive and strong and reaffirming all the reasons for this and talking it out with some people. And I've been telling myself that I'll be fine, I'll get through this, and when I come out on the other side I'll be free and able to really be in love when it comes along. So all that is so good!
A part of me can't help feeling really bad that I'm spending so much time thinking about this and talking about it and planning it, when The German is out there just being him and being happy and acting the same as always. I feel so dishonest. So part of me is acting mostly normal, such as when he called me this morning, but I also stayed off messenger on purpose for part of the day - and he emailed me at one point to see why I wasn't online and whether I had stayed home. It's just so hard for me to act as if nothing is wrong because I feel so guilty.
But, for the most part, I've so far tried hard not to think about the logistics of our taking a long break from communication - I purposely am trying not to think about when I'll tell him, how I'll tell him, whether I should insist on no contact at all or allow just instant messenger. I don't know, I can't yet think about especially having The Talk, because I instantly feel so much stress and start to tear up.
I also can't stand the thought of hurting him, even though I know realistically that I'll be the one hurting and lonely much more than he is. I know he'll miss me, he really will. And I know he'll be sad about not being able to talk every day and do our little flirting thing and have our weekend breakfasts. But I also know that he'll do exactly the same thing as he does now - he'll still go out on his boat, he'll still play his video games, he'll still make his bread and buy his gross German meats - he just won't be able to call me to tell me about his various things. He doesn't mind being alone and doesn't mind going out and doing things by himself so he'll occupy himself just fine as always, whereas I sometimes feel anxious if I'm doing something alone, and certainly don't have as much fun by myself. For me, grocery shopping is fun when I'm with someone I love. Picking up dog poo would be kind of fun if I was with someone who I loved.
I hate that I'm the one who has to make the hard decision here. I hate that he would just let this thing keep going for years and years, stagnant as it is and never letting it move forward, and he'd be perfectly happy with it. I hate that I have to struggle and come to the hard decision and then I have to do The Talk and also break my own heart. But I've chosen the easy and comfortable way for so long and it's fun and yes makes me happy much of the time - but it's in no way enough. I just have to keep reminding myself of all of this. I have one life to live, and I can't possibly be completely open to a new relationship when I still have one going on with The German. [That actually reminds me of what I said when I decided to stop drinking - that I couldn't start a relationship with a new guy when my first relationship was with alcohol. And really, I'm already thinking that this is my second big life change and challenge after the alcohol - to me they are somewhat similar.]
It's going to be really hard for me to not call him. For just the friendship thing, and I know I'll also be worried that he's hurting and that will at times drive me crazy and I'll so be wanting to pick up that phone and check on him to reassure myself. But then this wouldn't work. But this is what I don't want to quite yet think about, even though I really am a little but I won't let it completely come into the forefront of my mind.
I'm going to have to tell him all this soon though, because now that I've made up my mind and I'm trying to start distancing myself emotionally, I can't just be around him and pretend that everything is fine. But oh I also so don't want to have that talk. I'm going to be weeping for forever, and I know he's going to be holding me and telling me that he understands and that will make it even harder, and also I'll be seeking affirmation that he's sad about it too if he tries to be too understanding to me. And I can't even start to imagine right now when he actually walks out the door, how hard that will be on me, how painful and how hard it will be to let him go and not keep him there.
I need to stop - it's making me cry again and my eyes are still tired from the crying last night. I want to go to bed early tonight so I'm going to cut this short and further continue the Gratitude Tuesday H list to another day very soon.
On a related note, today I started reading The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, after I saw him mentioned on DCVita's blog. It's very simple but not. And it's very intriguing so far, and filled with wisdom. I read the following from the small section on Joy and Sorrow, and felt a little better afterward:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain...
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight...
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
Today I felt resigned for part of the day and strong for part of the day. I know what I need to do, I know how important it is and that I can't possibly move forward if I stay stuck in a relationship that never moves. So I've spent most of my mental energy today, when I thought about it, just being positive and strong and reaffirming all the reasons for this and talking it out with some people. And I've been telling myself that I'll be fine, I'll get through this, and when I come out on the other side I'll be free and able to really be in love when it comes along. So all that is so good!
A part of me can't help feeling really bad that I'm spending so much time thinking about this and talking about it and planning it, when The German is out there just being him and being happy and acting the same as always. I feel so dishonest. So part of me is acting mostly normal, such as when he called me this morning, but I also stayed off messenger on purpose for part of the day - and he emailed me at one point to see why I wasn't online and whether I had stayed home. It's just so hard for me to act as if nothing is wrong because I feel so guilty.
But, for the most part, I've so far tried hard not to think about the logistics of our taking a long break from communication - I purposely am trying not to think about when I'll tell him, how I'll tell him, whether I should insist on no contact at all or allow just instant messenger. I don't know, I can't yet think about especially having The Talk, because I instantly feel so much stress and start to tear up.
I also can't stand the thought of hurting him, even though I know realistically that I'll be the one hurting and lonely much more than he is. I know he'll miss me, he really will. And I know he'll be sad about not being able to talk every day and do our little flirting thing and have our weekend breakfasts. But I also know that he'll do exactly the same thing as he does now - he'll still go out on his boat, he'll still play his video games, he'll still make his bread and buy his gross German meats - he just won't be able to call me to tell me about his various things. He doesn't mind being alone and doesn't mind going out and doing things by himself so he'll occupy himself just fine as always, whereas I sometimes feel anxious if I'm doing something alone, and certainly don't have as much fun by myself. For me, grocery shopping is fun when I'm with someone I love. Picking up dog poo would be kind of fun if I was with someone who I loved.
I hate that I'm the one who has to make the hard decision here. I hate that he would just let this thing keep going for years and years, stagnant as it is and never letting it move forward, and he'd be perfectly happy with it. I hate that I have to struggle and come to the hard decision and then I have to do The Talk and also break my own heart. But I've chosen the easy and comfortable way for so long and it's fun and yes makes me happy much of the time - but it's in no way enough. I just have to keep reminding myself of all of this. I have one life to live, and I can't possibly be completely open to a new relationship when I still have one going on with The German. [That actually reminds me of what I said when I decided to stop drinking - that I couldn't start a relationship with a new guy when my first relationship was with alcohol. And really, I'm already thinking that this is my second big life change and challenge after the alcohol - to me they are somewhat similar.]
It's going to be really hard for me to not call him. For just the friendship thing, and I know I'll also be worried that he's hurting and that will at times drive me crazy and I'll so be wanting to pick up that phone and check on him to reassure myself. But then this wouldn't work. But this is what I don't want to quite yet think about, even though I really am a little but I won't let it completely come into the forefront of my mind.
I'm going to have to tell him all this soon though, because now that I've made up my mind and I'm trying to start distancing myself emotionally, I can't just be around him and pretend that everything is fine. But oh I also so don't want to have that talk. I'm going to be weeping for forever, and I know he's going to be holding me and telling me that he understands and that will make it even harder, and also I'll be seeking affirmation that he's sad about it too if he tries to be too understanding to me. And I can't even start to imagine right now when he actually walks out the door, how hard that will be on me, how painful and how hard it will be to let him go and not keep him there.
I need to stop - it's making me cry again and my eyes are still tired from the crying last night. I want to go to bed early tonight so I'm going to cut this short and further continue the Gratitude Tuesday H list to another day very soon.
On a related note, today I started reading The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, after I saw him mentioned on DCVita's blog. It's very simple but not. And it's very intriguing so far, and filled with wisdom. I read the following from the small section on Joy and Sorrow, and felt a little better afterward:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain...
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight...
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
