A bad dream, a bad day, and coming closer to a decision on The German
I'm going to have to postpone Gratitude Tuesday and my list of H words (I already have all my words but haven't taken the time yet to write about how each one makes me grateful) to Wednesday, because I started writing and there are just too many other things on my mind right now:
I had an awful dream last night. I dreamed that James had lung cancer and Emma had a huge tumor in her belly, and I had to put them to sleep. I remember choosing to put them to sleep so they wouldn't have to suffer, and we (the vet and I and whoever else) put them both to sleep one after the other. Then a little later someone asked how old they had been and I said James was 11 and Emma was 9, but then I realized that no, they were both just 3 years old, and it had been my dog Muffin who had been 11 when she had lung cancer and my cat Frisky who had been 9 when he had a huge tumor in his belly. But I had already put James and Emma to sleep. It was awful, it was so so so awful and I can't stop thinking about it now and feeling so guilty - guilty for dreaming that I put them to sleep and guilty for in my dream not realizing that they didn't actually have cancer at all. I seriously can't get it out of my head and it's torturing me.
I know it was just a dream, and I know the ages and cancers correspond to my two previous pets, but I dreamed that I actually held onto each of my babies when the doctor put them to sleep. I feel like the worst kitten momma for dreaming this - how could I just hold them and let them die when I hadn't fully checked to make sure they had cancer growing inside of them? The stress of my feeling guilty has finally set in and now that I'm actually writing this all out I can't stop crying. I love them, I really really love them so much. Why did my dream self let them die? Why would I do that? How could I do that? They're my babies and I can't stand the thought of something happening to them and them not being with me. I'm just so disturbed by this dream, even though the logical side of me knows that it was just a dream. The memory and the guilt is just haunting me.
I also felt again like a huge loser this morning when a number of us were all talking about jobs. I am such a loser for still being at my job. And everyone knows it because no one ever even assumes that I'll be leaving anymore, or I think they're slightly embarrassed for me that I've chosen to stay there this long. Okay, I think my current crying mood might be coloring my view on this a little, but it causes me such brief periods of stress that I can't handle because I don't know what I want to do and I keep saying that I'll think about it tomorrow.
I also had a slightly bad afternoon today because one of my co-workers had made some microwave popcorn a bit earlier and it smelled so good so when my boss and I finished with something I decided that I'd make some for myself. Whenever I make popcorn at work (which isn't very often, I swear) I always put it in for four minutes and I stand there and wait until it's done popping - I can never remember the exact time that it should be in, and I like my popcorn slightly burned so I don't want to undercook it. But today I walked into my boss's office right after I put the package in the microwave and the time completely got away from me and I walked out right as the microwave was beeping and D and A, co-workers, commented that something smelled bad.
And yes, it smelled bad because burning smoke was pouring out of the cabinet from somewhere on top of the microwave! It smelled so awful and I called my boss to come out and I was laughing kind of in shock but also freaking out because I really really didn't want the smoke alarm to go off and have the whole floor need to be evacuated all because of me! So I was shutting doors to whereever I saw a smoke detector, but there were so many more all around, and the smoke kept coming out although it was slowing down. Well to make what could be a very long story short, thank GOD the smoke alarm never went off, and eventually the smoke stopped but we didn't want to open the microwave door yet in case there was more smoke in it. We unplugged the microwave and pulled it out of the cabinet and eventually opened it up and I grabbed the bag of popcorn and threw it in a trashbag and tied it up to keep the smell as well-contained as possible. So it was all okay, but the inside of the microwave really smells now like terrible burnt stuff, and the floor of the microwave is also stained yellow and I couldn't get it all off.
I managed to not cry at all until everyone else was gone and The Meat came down and smelled it. Tonight I stopped at a store and got scrubbing sponges, Soft Scrub, and those new Mr. Clean eraser sponge things. I feel so bad for staining the inside of the microwave and making it smell! I'm also going to bring one of my odor neutralizer things for the office. Even my clothes still smelled when I got home. And I can still smell the burned smell on my fingers from trying to clean it all. So tomorrow I have to try to clean the stupid microwave, but I'm going to feel so awful while cleaning it because it'll be like a walk of shame - shame because I acted very stupidly! I know I am soooooooo being ridiculous about this and overreacting in the extreme. As The Meat kept saying to me when he was completely shocked that I was actually crying, "It's a microwave, it's just a microwave!" I'm obviously in a bit of an over-emotional state of mind today about everything.
I am also really struggling mentally with regard to The German. I'm trying to distance myself mentally from him because after last Thursday and his actions and behavior, I'm finally really realizing that there is not going to be some love story future for us. I know I sound like I'm overreacting to his refusal to go to a stupid baseball game with me, but it's more than just that. I don't like the fact that he couldn't bring himself to spend three hours doing something that he doesn't want to do just because it would make me happy. I was talking with TIC and Florida last week and we were talking about how people in a relationship do little things here and there that they don't always love doing, but they do them just because they love the other person and want to be with them and want to make them happy.
At work on Friday, The German was trying to instant message me like everything was all fine and normal, but for me nothing was normal. And I told him that I was still upset and felt so let down by him. And I said "when you care about someone you sometimes do things that you don't necessarily love to do just to be with them and because it makes them happy." And then yes, I was a little confrontational and in hind sight I shouldn't have attacked. I had let my anger build up and I turned it on him then and said, "...but you are always JUST about you apparently which isn't a good way to be. It shouldn't always be about what makes YOU happy but also about what makes others around you happy." (I said a few more things along these lines and a couple were again directly to his behavior.) In response, he asked how he was being selfish for not doing what he didn't want do, and felt that instead I was being selfish for insisting that he do something he doesn't like to do, just for my pleasure. We obviously were not communicating well on that subject, and although I really did understand what he was saying, I don't believe that he understood my side of the conversation, or that he really tried to understand.
After that and after a little more discussion, non-combative after that, I opened up and told him my frustration with him telling me every once in awhile, when I get up the nerve to have A Discussion, how there is no future for us. But then the other 99% of the time he acts essentially like my boyfriend, is kissy and touchy and cuddly and loving and acts like a completely normal person and part of a couple. I told him that I didn't understand him, that if he loves me why doesn't he want to really be with me, and if he doesn't really love me then how he can act the way he does all the time.
I'm not going to include all that I wrote, but I finished with, "I just don't understand it. And this is so hard for me. I don't know what to do. I just feel like my heart is breaking." He responded, "We'll have to talk tomorrow about this. This is too much for IM...I don't want you to be unhappy..." And then he mostly continued on with his silly and teasing kind of stuff, to which I responded marginally even as I cried. And the next day I slept all day so didn't end up seeing him, and last night when he came over, true to form, we never talked. Because I couldn't get up the nerve to have A Talk. Because I hate conflict. And my eyes would start watering whenever I would even think about saying something. And also, because I want to figure out what I'm going to do, to think this thing through a little more first.
The thing is, I know his answers already. He's said them numerous times before - he's a loner, he doesn't want to be married, he doesn't want children, he doesn't want a home, he's odd. In my instant message one-sided discussion, I told him that he's essentially my boyfriend right now because he acts like in all ways except for a promise of any kind of future. I know I do need to have a talk with him - I need to hear him say these things again, and in person. I need to ask him how he can love me but not want to spend his life with me. And that if he doesn't want to spend his life with me, why does he call me every morning to wake me up, why he kisses and hugs me so tightly when he sees me, why he wants to watch movies cuddled on the couch, why he does all the normal boyfriendly affectionate things that he does.
But it still comes down to me knowing the ultimate answer from him - and yes, I already know it. And my mind is going around and around with what to do now, because I am finally acknowledging to myself that nothing has changed with him and nothing will change. I know that the really smart thing for me to do would be to break off completely with him for at least some time, so that I can get over him, and find my way without him, and be alone, and then have the hope of being able to really fall in love with someone else when that guy comes around someday. I know that's the smart thing. And I wouldn't be saying that I wouldn't ever hang out with The German again, but only after a time apart and then only as friends.
But I really don't know if I'm that strong, because even now, just putting that down in writing has me weeping. He's been one of my best friends for over three years, and is by far the person who I feel the most comfortable with in the entire world. He's the only person whose phone calls I'll answer even when I don't feel like talking to anyone. He's the one person who I want to see even when I want to be alone. Right now, he's my best friend in the world. [And really, even though I love being around people and I'm very social, I don't really feel truly comfortable being completely myself when I'm one-on-one with many people. Okay, I can be fine one-on-one for short time periods with many people, but I'm not used to spending any longer time periods with most people so I end up feeling really uncomfortable after a little awhile many times. It's hard for me to explain right now for some reason.]
Anyway though, this is what has been so much on my mind since Thursday night. The fact that it has finally hit me enough that there is no future with The German. And following logically, that means I will end up finding someone different to love and spend my life with. Which is really hard for me to imagine happening right now. But again logically, for me to be open to loving someone else, I can't be having this psuedo-relationship with The German. But that means that I'm the one who has to make that decision and tell him, because I know that he's just happy letting things go on as they are, at least until he takes off on his own to sail around the world by himself. And even as I know that this would be the smart and by far the best decision for myself, I know that I would be suffering much more than him. I would be lonely, I would be crying, I would be tortured here. And he'd be out sailing on his boat or playing his video games and going on with life as usual. Yes, he would miss my companionship and he'd miss seeing me, but his heart wouldn't be breaking like mine.
I just don't know if I can do this. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I sit here weeping even now. I know it's something that I have to do, but how do I do it? My heart just feels like it's it's being ripped from my chest right now. This is so awful. I know I have to do it, but I don't know if I can, and I don't know if I'm ready, and even when he broke my heart 2 1/2 years ago, he was the only one who I wanted to talk to about that broken heart. And I wanted to curl up in a little ball and just never unfurl. I don't know when I'm going to get the courage up to talk to him about this in person. I don't know what kind of rules to make. I don't know anything but that this is so terrible to even think about right now.
So I'm coming closer to a decision, and I know what I need to do even if I don't know that I can or how I can, but all of this is just so hard. I hope this will have helped me a little to get this all out. It's going to take me a few more days at least to think this through and deal with some of this even initially.
I need to go to bed. I'm grateful right now for James and Emma, because I don't feel completely alone because they're here with me and loving me. And I'm so grateful at this moment for James because he has been so loving all night, and even right now is currently demanding my attention - he wants some James-love, some belly rubbing and cheek rubbing and cuddling! My babies are a wonderful little light in my blue world of today right now. :)
I had an awful dream last night. I dreamed that James had lung cancer and Emma had a huge tumor in her belly, and I had to put them to sleep. I remember choosing to put them to sleep so they wouldn't have to suffer, and we (the vet and I and whoever else) put them both to sleep one after the other. Then a little later someone asked how old they had been and I said James was 11 and Emma was 9, but then I realized that no, they were both just 3 years old, and it had been my dog Muffin who had been 11 when she had lung cancer and my cat Frisky who had been 9 when he had a huge tumor in his belly. But I had already put James and Emma to sleep. It was awful, it was so so so awful and I can't stop thinking about it now and feeling so guilty - guilty for dreaming that I put them to sleep and guilty for in my dream not realizing that they didn't actually have cancer at all. I seriously can't get it out of my head and it's torturing me.
I know it was just a dream, and I know the ages and cancers correspond to my two previous pets, but I dreamed that I actually held onto each of my babies when the doctor put them to sleep. I feel like the worst kitten momma for dreaming this - how could I just hold them and let them die when I hadn't fully checked to make sure they had cancer growing inside of them? The stress of my feeling guilty has finally set in and now that I'm actually writing this all out I can't stop crying. I love them, I really really love them so much. Why did my dream self let them die? Why would I do that? How could I do that? They're my babies and I can't stand the thought of something happening to them and them not being with me. I'm just so disturbed by this dream, even though the logical side of me knows that it was just a dream. The memory and the guilt is just haunting me.
I also felt again like a huge loser this morning when a number of us were all talking about jobs. I am such a loser for still being at my job. And everyone knows it because no one ever even assumes that I'll be leaving anymore, or I think they're slightly embarrassed for me that I've chosen to stay there this long. Okay, I think my current crying mood might be coloring my view on this a little, but it causes me such brief periods of stress that I can't handle because I don't know what I want to do and I keep saying that I'll think about it tomorrow.
I also had a slightly bad afternoon today because one of my co-workers had made some microwave popcorn a bit earlier and it smelled so good so when my boss and I finished with something I decided that I'd make some for myself. Whenever I make popcorn at work (which isn't very often, I swear) I always put it in for four minutes and I stand there and wait until it's done popping - I can never remember the exact time that it should be in, and I like my popcorn slightly burned so I don't want to undercook it. But today I walked into my boss's office right after I put the package in the microwave and the time completely got away from me and I walked out right as the microwave was beeping and D and A, co-workers, commented that something smelled bad.
And yes, it smelled bad because burning smoke was pouring out of the cabinet from somewhere on top of the microwave! It smelled so awful and I called my boss to come out and I was laughing kind of in shock but also freaking out because I really really didn't want the smoke alarm to go off and have the whole floor need to be evacuated all because of me! So I was shutting doors to whereever I saw a smoke detector, but there were so many more all around, and the smoke kept coming out although it was slowing down. Well to make what could be a very long story short, thank GOD the smoke alarm never went off, and eventually the smoke stopped but we didn't want to open the microwave door yet in case there was more smoke in it. We unplugged the microwave and pulled it out of the cabinet and eventually opened it up and I grabbed the bag of popcorn and threw it in a trashbag and tied it up to keep the smell as well-contained as possible. So it was all okay, but the inside of the microwave really smells now like terrible burnt stuff, and the floor of the microwave is also stained yellow and I couldn't get it all off.
I managed to not cry at all until everyone else was gone and The Meat came down and smelled it. Tonight I stopped at a store and got scrubbing sponges, Soft Scrub, and those new Mr. Clean eraser sponge things. I feel so bad for staining the inside of the microwave and making it smell! I'm also going to bring one of my odor neutralizer things for the office. Even my clothes still smelled when I got home. And I can still smell the burned smell on my fingers from trying to clean it all. So tomorrow I have to try to clean the stupid microwave, but I'm going to feel so awful while cleaning it because it'll be like a walk of shame - shame because I acted very stupidly! I know I am soooooooo being ridiculous about this and overreacting in the extreme. As The Meat kept saying to me when he was completely shocked that I was actually crying, "It's a microwave, it's just a microwave!" I'm obviously in a bit of an over-emotional state of mind today about everything.
I am also really struggling mentally with regard to The German. I'm trying to distance myself mentally from him because after last Thursday and his actions and behavior, I'm finally really realizing that there is not going to be some love story future for us. I know I sound like I'm overreacting to his refusal to go to a stupid baseball game with me, but it's more than just that. I don't like the fact that he couldn't bring himself to spend three hours doing something that he doesn't want to do just because it would make me happy. I was talking with TIC and Florida last week and we were talking about how people in a relationship do little things here and there that they don't always love doing, but they do them just because they love the other person and want to be with them and want to make them happy.
At work on Friday, The German was trying to instant message me like everything was all fine and normal, but for me nothing was normal. And I told him that I was still upset and felt so let down by him. And I said "when you care about someone you sometimes do things that you don't necessarily love to do just to be with them and because it makes them happy." And then yes, I was a little confrontational and in hind sight I shouldn't have attacked. I had let my anger build up and I turned it on him then and said, "...but you are always JUST about you apparently which isn't a good way to be. It shouldn't always be about what makes YOU happy but also about what makes others around you happy." (I said a few more things along these lines and a couple were again directly to his behavior.) In response, he asked how he was being selfish for not doing what he didn't want do, and felt that instead I was being selfish for insisting that he do something he doesn't like to do, just for my pleasure. We obviously were not communicating well on that subject, and although I really did understand what he was saying, I don't believe that he understood my side of the conversation, or that he really tried to understand.
After that and after a little more discussion, non-combative after that, I opened up and told him my frustration with him telling me every once in awhile, when I get up the nerve to have A Discussion, how there is no future for us. But then the other 99% of the time he acts essentially like my boyfriend, is kissy and touchy and cuddly and loving and acts like a completely normal person and part of a couple. I told him that I didn't understand him, that if he loves me why doesn't he want to really be with me, and if he doesn't really love me then how he can act the way he does all the time.
I'm not going to include all that I wrote, but I finished with, "I just don't understand it. And this is so hard for me. I don't know what to do. I just feel like my heart is breaking." He responded, "We'll have to talk tomorrow about this. This is too much for IM...I don't want you to be unhappy..." And then he mostly continued on with his silly and teasing kind of stuff, to which I responded marginally even as I cried. And the next day I slept all day so didn't end up seeing him, and last night when he came over, true to form, we never talked. Because I couldn't get up the nerve to have A Talk. Because I hate conflict. And my eyes would start watering whenever I would even think about saying something. And also, because I want to figure out what I'm going to do, to think this thing through a little more first.
The thing is, I know his answers already. He's said them numerous times before - he's a loner, he doesn't want to be married, he doesn't want children, he doesn't want a home, he's odd. In my instant message one-sided discussion, I told him that he's essentially my boyfriend right now because he acts like in all ways except for a promise of any kind of future. I know I do need to have a talk with him - I need to hear him say these things again, and in person. I need to ask him how he can love me but not want to spend his life with me. And that if he doesn't want to spend his life with me, why does he call me every morning to wake me up, why he kisses and hugs me so tightly when he sees me, why he wants to watch movies cuddled on the couch, why he does all the normal boyfriendly affectionate things that he does.
But it still comes down to me knowing the ultimate answer from him - and yes, I already know it. And my mind is going around and around with what to do now, because I am finally acknowledging to myself that nothing has changed with him and nothing will change. I know that the really smart thing for me to do would be to break off completely with him for at least some time, so that I can get over him, and find my way without him, and be alone, and then have the hope of being able to really fall in love with someone else when that guy comes around someday. I know that's the smart thing. And I wouldn't be saying that I wouldn't ever hang out with The German again, but only after a time apart and then only as friends.
But I really don't know if I'm that strong, because even now, just putting that down in writing has me weeping. He's been one of my best friends for over three years, and is by far the person who I feel the most comfortable with in the entire world. He's the only person whose phone calls I'll answer even when I don't feel like talking to anyone. He's the one person who I want to see even when I want to be alone. Right now, he's my best friend in the world. [And really, even though I love being around people and I'm very social, I don't really feel truly comfortable being completely myself when I'm one-on-one with many people. Okay, I can be fine one-on-one for short time periods with many people, but I'm not used to spending any longer time periods with most people so I end up feeling really uncomfortable after a little awhile many times. It's hard for me to explain right now for some reason.]
Anyway though, this is what has been so much on my mind since Thursday night. The fact that it has finally hit me enough that there is no future with The German. And following logically, that means I will end up finding someone different to love and spend my life with. Which is really hard for me to imagine happening right now. But again logically, for me to be open to loving someone else, I can't be having this psuedo-relationship with The German. But that means that I'm the one who has to make that decision and tell him, because I know that he's just happy letting things go on as they are, at least until he takes off on his own to sail around the world by himself. And even as I know that this would be the smart and by far the best decision for myself, I know that I would be suffering much more than him. I would be lonely, I would be crying, I would be tortured here. And he'd be out sailing on his boat or playing his video games and going on with life as usual. Yes, he would miss my companionship and he'd miss seeing me, but his heart wouldn't be breaking like mine.
I just don't know if I can do this. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I sit here weeping even now. I know it's something that I have to do, but how do I do it? My heart just feels like it's it's being ripped from my chest right now. This is so awful. I know I have to do it, but I don't know if I can, and I don't know if I'm ready, and even when he broke my heart 2 1/2 years ago, he was the only one who I wanted to talk to about that broken heart. And I wanted to curl up in a little ball and just never unfurl. I don't know when I'm going to get the courage up to talk to him about this in person. I don't know what kind of rules to make. I don't know anything but that this is so terrible to even think about right now.
So I'm coming closer to a decision, and I know what I need to do even if I don't know that I can or how I can, but all of this is just so hard. I hope this will have helped me a little to get this all out. It's going to take me a few more days at least to think this through and deal with some of this even initially.
I need to go to bed. I'm grateful right now for James and Emma, because I don't feel completely alone because they're here with me and loving me. And I'm so grateful at this moment for James because he has been so loving all night, and even right now is currently demanding my attention - he wants some James-love, some belly rubbing and cheek rubbing and cuddling! My babies are a wonderful little light in my blue world of today right now. :)
