Musical Monday and update from last week and my parents' visit
I'm back! I've put off writing for a few hours now because I feel almost as if it's been so long since I've last written that the task of catching up is too much. And when something gets too much for me in my mind, I run from it. But I love writing this little blog of mine way too much so I'm going to suck it up and just breeze over what I want to breeze over so that the task isn't too daunting.
First though, I missed playing Musical Monday last week so even though it's just before 10 p.m. right now, I'll post this for just after midnight so it'll be Monday!
I chose two songs by the Cary Brothers, first Ride and second Wasted One. Mostly I chose them because I just happened to be listening to them last night while doing the dishes and I love these two songs. The first time I heard the Cary Brothers was on the Garden State Soundtrack with their song Blue Eyes, which I just adore. So I downloaded all their other songs after that and like many of their other ones as well. I hope you like them! They both sound so amazing and moving and reaching and completely pull me in!
Cary Brothers - Ride
Cary Brothers - Wasted One
Well so anyway, my parents left at 4:30 this afternoon. I didn't cry because I know I'll see them for an extra long weekend over Labor Day weekend - I like it much better when I know the next time I'll see them, because I love it so much when they are here or when I'm visiting them. I came back inside after they left and ate the pieces of dessert that we had gotten after brunch and that my mom left for me, and I read a few blogs and then felt myself getting so so so sleepy so I took a nap here until James woke me a little after 8 p.m. for some cuddling. I still feel really worn out and definitely want to go to sleep earlier than my normal time so I'll be fresh for work tomorrow. So I'm going to do a very quick update of all my days last week, and write just a bit more about my parents' visit.
Okay - so I last wrote on Monday night - I was completely exhausted after a wonderful and fabulous birthday!!! On Tuesday I couldn't wake up in the morning. I talked to my mom and couldn't keep my eyes open and went back to sleep immediately afterward. When The German called he knew I was still in pretty deep sleep and talked to me for awhile, and I did a very good impression of being awake all the while planning on going back to sleep for a little while afterward. And then I woke up a little before 1:00 in the afternoon and it still took me much longer to fully wake up.
I managed to shower and I had a visitor for a little while later that afternoon, and then I was just lazy. Like I said at the beginning of this post - when something seems too big I run from it, and all the painting and all the cleaning and all the things to do were too big right then, so I did absolutely nothing all Tuesday evening, and it was nice although also frustrating since I was angry at myself inside.
On Wednesday night I was scheduled to go to a survey from 5-7 for $90 - it was a survey on cats and cat food, which was to be much more exciting than most survey topics! It was held in The German's building so I was going to pop in to see him for a little bit afterward but then get back here to paint. But the best thing happened - I wasn't chosen for the survey since they overbooked, so I got to walk out at 5:10 with $90 in cash!!! I've always wanted that to happen to me but it never had before, and although I'd have liked doing a cat survey, I also was really really really hoping when I walked in there that I wouldn't get chosen since I needed time to do things.
So I left and called The German and he planned to come to my place after work instead. I stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home and got lots of wonderful booty for when my parents would be here, and then The German met me here and he brought some yogurt and strawberries from the market on the way so he cut up the strawberries and I added honey to the yogurt and we had a wonderful little snack and then watched most of the second episode of Das Boot on my computer. He didn't end up leaving until I think about 10:30 and even though I wanted to paint a little, it was still so hot in the back of my house and I was also really really tired again. I can't remember if I did any cleaning at all before falling asleep. I think I fell right asleep because I remember wanting to write a post but being too sleepy to start.
And then on Thursday night I left work a little early because I knew I had soooooooooooooo much to do before my parents arrived on Friday afternoon. I didn't end up painting at all because my mom would have smelled it, and I ran out of time anyway. I stayed up until 4:45 a.m. on Thursday night/Friday morning. I vacuumed the rugs, swiffered the whole apartment and wet swiffered part of it. I put away millions of little things all over. I spent a long time fully straightening my living room, and then the dining room. I reorganized part of my bedroom and set out the pictures where I wanted to hang them, and sorted through all my laundry and got it ready to take down in the morning. I can't even remember all the other things I did but it took a long, long, long time. I had a lot of odds and ends sitting all around that needed to be put away.
My mom called me a little after 7:30 on Friday morning and I managed to jump up and continue with the cleaning, including doing all the dishes and all the laundry and cleaning the bathroom. And I showered and got ready, and my parents arrived at about 2:45 in the afternoon. They loved my apartment so far! We carried everything up from their car and I made us a snack of the flat-bread pizza-like thing from Trader Joe's that was so amazing! They loved it! Then my dad relaxed for awhile and I finished the dishes while my mom started reorganizing my cabinets - and holy crap, by the time she was completely finished reorganizing things today they all look so amazing and are so well laid-out, and I have so much more room for food, and all the pans I use regularly are within easy reach, it's wonderful!!!
Then we went to dinner - we walked to an Italian restaurant a little ways from me. I had been so nervous about where we would eat because I wanted to go somewhere in my new area, but I also didn't know much about which restaurants are good. Oh yes, on Thursday night after work I had walked past many of them that I was considering and looked inside and got menus from a few of them. I decided on this one place because 1) they took reservations, 2) they have been in business for 15 years so I figured they had to be good, and 3) they had a lot of outdoor seating. So I made a reservation for 7 p.m. to sit outside.
When we got there my parents wanted to sit inside because it was still a little hot for them outside, so we got a cute little table. We had a nice dinner but all three of us were really sleepy so we weren't at our liveliest. And the food was okay but absolutely nothing special - I was actually really disappointed because I had hoped for much better. But oh well, now I know. We came back to my place afterward and I cut up a frozen little chocolate cake that I'd gotten at Trader Joe's (I had of course defrosted it first) and they sang happy birthday to me, and we all loved the yummy cake. And then we all just relaxed for awhile and watched TV and my mom got on her computer briefly and we chatted on and off, and it was just very relaxed, and then we all went to bed.
On Saturday we woke up and my dad and I started hanging some of the pictures in my living room, and my mom continued with the cabinet and cupboard reorganization. Then we went to my favorite little breakfast place near me and we all had three different kinds of their amazing french toast - so so so yummy!!! On the way back we stopped in a mattress store so I could look at the different bedframes. I won't get it from there because the guy was charging well over $100 more than I've seen online. But I think I've made my mind up about which frame I'll get now. And then we stopped in a Sears and they got me a little tiny microwave which looks just fabulous by my sink and takes up the perfect amount of room while leaving so much open space, and it actually makes my kitchen look so much better! Oh and they had also brought me another air contioner for my birthday but we didn't get a chance to put it in, so The German is coming over maybe tomorrow night to help me install it in my dining room. And they also brought me a stand-up fan which will work perfectly in my bedroom on hot nights.
Then I took a bit of a nap while my parents got ready for the wedding they were going to. I walked them to get a cab a little before 4 in the afternoon, and then I came back here and thought about posting but it just seemed like too much of a task. I had a bit of a stomach ache which continued until this morning - I don't know why but it felt almost like a little tiny bug. So instead I laid on my couch and read 200 pages of the 6th Harry Potter novel - because I've just been itching to read it again with all the little talk about Harry in the news. (And by the way, I share the same birthday with J.K. Rowling and also with Harry!!!) Then I played with little James and Emmalove for awhile, and then did the dishes from the last day and put them away, and started getting ready for bed, and watched a little TV, and was feeling basically restless and moody and annoyed and stomach-achy and pms-y. I got a little snippy with The German when he called and all he could talk about was stupid sailing and his slight idea of going on one of these training boats for half a year or even a whole year - I was really annoyed, both at him and also at myself because I was knowing in my mind that he's never going to come around and never going to be able to give me what I want.
My parents came home at about 11 p.m. and I wasn't in the best of moods and didn't feel the best but I heard all about the wedding and looked at some pictures that my mom took, and then my dad stopped flipping the remote on a show about giant squid and we all became quite intrigued with it (although my mom was nodding off a bit)! Then we went to bed soon after that.
This morning it took my mom a long time to wake me up, I was sooooooo sleepy! I wasn't really fully able to wake up until I showered. Then after I showered and dressed, I walked into the dining room where my parents were sitting and my dad was having a problem finding something on a website so my mom offered to help and then he was just being his normal rude self when he's frustrated with something - he was snippy with my mom and sounding so mean. I hate this about him. He gets angry so easily about the stupidest little things. He gets angry with us when something isn't working the way he wants it to work. He lashes out with rudeness and a terrible tone, and I have always absolutely hated it. When I was young and we knew he was in one of his moods, we had to walk around on eggshells so he wouldn't have one of his little blowups. And when sometimes I wouldn't feel like treading all delicately around him and would call him on it, he would just lash out and make it sound as if I and everyone else were picking on him.
Well anyway, this morning when he was being rude to my mom, I told him to stop with the attitude, and to stop blaming my mom for him not being able to figure out a website. But instead of being chastised he got snippy with me, so I told him that he had no reason to get upset with me for pointing out his bad behavior. My mom walked out of the room to get ready for her shower and my dad and I continued maybe twice between us, and he was just so much his rude and asshole-y self and it made me burst into tears - to which he gave me this incredulous face which said "what's wrong with you, you little twit, I didn't do anything wrong and certainly nothing to make you cry!" Through my crying I told him to not even give me that face, and as I walked out of the room he made a big sighing or more like an annoyed quick push out of breath and said "jeeze!" in this terrible tone like he always does - poor him, everyone out to get him. So I told him I was about to kick him out to his car, and he made some stupid, "fine, I'll just leave then" comment.
I sat on the couch and couldn't stop crying and my mom came in and held me for awhile while I stopped crying and then she combed out my wet hair and that made me feel so much better because I just love having my hair combed. For the next hour I got ready and my mom got ready and my dad just stayed in the dining room probably reading his magazines. Finally my mom said that we should start hanging up the pictures in my room and I told her I wasn't going to do anything until I received an apology. She walked in the dining room and I heard her talking to my dad, and then he came walking into the living room with me and playfully pulled my blanket off me. I pulled it back on and gave him a look, and he had a little smile on his face and sat down next to me and put a hand on my leg.
I asked him if there was something he wanted to say and he gave sort of an embarrassed laugh and my mom told him to go ahead. He couldn't come out and say "I'm sorry." I prompted him, my mom did. He finally said, "I apologize for whatever I did." I told him that wasn't nearly good enough and asked him what he did that he was sorry for, and he gave some "for whatever you're upset about" answer, so that gave me free reign to lay out all the ridiculousness of his behavior, and how he acts so often like a two-year-old brat who can only think of himself and throws tantrums all the time, and at the same time he acts like a pms-y girl. I went on for quite awhile about how he's 60 years old and it's time for him to grow up, that he needs to stop this taking anger out on those who he loves for the most stupid of things, how he needs to start accepting responsibility for his own behavior because he's the only one who he can control, how he needs to learn how to apologize after he has hurt someone because just going on and acting as if nothing happened does not heal the hurt that he inflicted and it also is him never owning up to any of his own bad behavior, of which there is plenty. I also pointed out that all his anger at stupid things, and overreactions to things, are only filled with negativity, and his lashing out and his rudeness are only negativity, and his hurtful comments and attitude are all negative, and life is too short to have all this negativity and hurt happening - and that by him not even taking responsibility and apologizing for his actions, it breeds more negativity and the hurt stays deep inside. I went on and on and on in this kind of same vein. My mom was nodding the whole time. My dad was listening and nodding sometimes, and laughing a little nervously sometimes because he knew everything I was saying was correct. We kept it all both serious and also a little light. I kept pointing out all my wisdom to him, and the fact that at 30, I have so much more wisdom and so much more figured out than he does at 60, which he laughed at a little but also agreed with and asked how I got to be so smart and also so different from both him and my mom. I told him I got lucky and got the good genes.
Anyway, I was able to get a lot off my chest so I felt better. He also had to listen to it all because he felt bad and realized he was wrong and felt bad for hurting me and making me cry. And I think he really did listen to what I was saying. I also told him that I when I go home for Labor Day I'm going to bring him his own copy of The Tao of Pooh and I'm going to underline everything that I have underlined in my own copy of it. And I told him I'd be searching for another book for him as well, because he needs to learn to step back and see the big picture and that most of these little things that annoy him and cause him to be rude and lash out are just insignificant things that he won't remember in a week, let alone a year from now. And he also needs to learn to just go with the natural flow of things and not fight or get so upset, and to remember that love is the most important thing and to show it often and say it often. And a lot more.
Okay, so after that I felt better but my eyes were still a little sore. My mom told him that he should hug me so he did and I gave him a big hug back. And then he helped me put up two pictures and a mirror in my bedroom, and then we put up all the rest of my pictures in the living room. My flower pictures look absolutely fabulous!!! My whole place looks even so much better since before they came! My mom's reorganization is amazing! I'm going to take pictures of my cupboards and cabinets because they're so pretty and so organized!
After that we walked a little ways to have brunch at another one of my favorite places. My dad had pancakes with berries and white chocolate on them, I had a breakfast burrito, and my mom had this mushroom bread pudding - I don't like mushrooms much because of their texture, but I tried a piece without loose mushrooms and the bread pudding itself was amazing! Then we came back here and my dad packed the car and my mom took pictures all the rooms in my place, and I set up my tripod and took some pictures of the three of us together, which I'll print out and put in one of my frames very soon.
I was sad to see them go, and my place feels very empty and lonely tonight without them here. It's always that way after one of their visits. I feel a little bad that we didn't actually do much, because they spent so much time in my apartment doing things, but I'm also so happy that they did because it looks so nice and amazing now! And whenever I visit my mom or she visits me, she always says at least once that she wishes I would move back to Michigan so she can take care of me there and see me all the time. It makes me feel bad. And a big part of me would love to be one of those families that all live in the same city and get together every weekend for a dinner, or pop into each other's houses. I would really like that, but not in Michigan. I wouldn't be happy at all living in the city where I grew up. I love Chicago, and I love the big city, and I love the diversity, and I love the more openmindedness.
My brother and I talked about this a couple months when he was here for a few days - about how nice it would be to all live in the same city. He said he was going to try to get us all to move down to Atlanta. And speaking of Atlanta, I need to email him so he can pick a weekend for me to come down there and visit them. They just picked up their second adopted puppy a little over a week ago! Little Lacey joined big sister Sammy - Lacey looks just absolutely adorable, and so much like a little baby that I just want to cuddle her and tell her it's all going to be okay! 
So I want to go meet both of my little puppy nieces!!! And of course see my brother and sister-in-law, and see their new house, and also see Atlanta because I've never been there. I think late October/early November would be a wonderful time to visit because it would still be warm there! I'll email my brother about it tomorrow!
What else? I'm starting to feel guilty about being too hard on my dad. When I was outside saying bye to them but before our actual hugs goodbye, he said "because I'm such a bad dad" in regard to something that I can't remember. I hate thinking about my dad feeling sad. When I was giving him my talking-to, I could tell he was feeling really bad, and his eyes looked a little watery, although I could easily be reading wrongly that his eyes were teary because my dad doesn't cry. But still, I'm feeling really bad now. On one hand, I'm glad I said all that I said to him because it needed to be said and he needs to work on his behavior, but on the other hand I don't want him to be suffering. I still remember very well one time in high school when we got in a big fight and afterward I was really, really harsh and told him how he was never around when I was young and blamed him for so many things and told him he'd ruined certain things, and he was really teary eyed and asked me in such a sad and broken voice if we could start over again, and I hate my teenage self for this because I remember my answer was "I don't know" - I still remember this with so so so much guilt, because I was a stupid teenager who convinced myself of certain things and blamed him for way too much. And I remember him leaving the basement after we had this talk and after I told him I didn't know if we could even start over, and I remember him looking so devastated and hurt, and I remember sobbing afterwards. I'm still tortured by this memory. I think I'm going to have to send him a card - I'm now suddenly consumed with guilt that I've really hurt him and I picture him suffering silently inside and feeling so low and that he's a terrible person. I can't stand the thought of my dad suffering like that. Maybe I'll have to call him tomorrow. When I hugged him goodbye I did hug really tight and I told him I loved him three times before he realized that he needed to say it back.
Here are a couple more pictures of my place. Neither are particularly good photos but the first shows my wonderful red wall and part of my yellow hallway, and my pretty yellow fake daisies in my favorite little flower-holders. And the second shows the pretty fushia flowers by my mirror in the same wonderful holders - for some reason the wall doesn't look very yellow there but it's really the same color as the other yellow (and also the little holes on either side of my mirror are because I moved the mirror down lower but now I need to spackle the holes and touch up the paint there. I need to take some much better pictures though, as these aren't a great representation of how wonderful my place looks - but at least they show a little!
I'm so tired. I've spent absolutely forever writing this post and it's now way past my bedtime. I'm going to do a quick read-through but I don't know if I can check the whole thing for spelling and grammar and missing words. Tomorrow I'll be doing Gratitude Tuesday for both F (which I missed last week) and G!!
First though, I missed playing Musical Monday last week so even though it's just before 10 p.m. right now, I'll post this for just after midnight so it'll be Monday!
I chose two songs by the Cary Brothers, first Ride and second Wasted One. Mostly I chose them because I just happened to be listening to them last night while doing the dishes and I love these two songs. The first time I heard the Cary Brothers was on the Garden State Soundtrack with their song Blue Eyes, which I just adore. So I downloaded all their other songs after that and like many of their other ones as well. I hope you like them! They both sound so amazing and moving and reaching and completely pull me in!
Cary Brothers - Ride
Cary Brothers - Wasted One
Well so anyway, my parents left at 4:30 this afternoon. I didn't cry because I know I'll see them for an extra long weekend over Labor Day weekend - I like it much better when I know the next time I'll see them, because I love it so much when they are here or when I'm visiting them. I came back inside after they left and ate the pieces of dessert that we had gotten after brunch and that my mom left for me, and I read a few blogs and then felt myself getting so so so sleepy so I took a nap here until James woke me a little after 8 p.m. for some cuddling. I still feel really worn out and definitely want to go to sleep earlier than my normal time so I'll be fresh for work tomorrow. So I'm going to do a very quick update of all my days last week, and write just a bit more about my parents' visit.
Okay - so I last wrote on Monday night - I was completely exhausted after a wonderful and fabulous birthday!!! On Tuesday I couldn't wake up in the morning. I talked to my mom and couldn't keep my eyes open and went back to sleep immediately afterward. When The German called he knew I was still in pretty deep sleep and talked to me for awhile, and I did a very good impression of being awake all the while planning on going back to sleep for a little while afterward. And then I woke up a little before 1:00 in the afternoon and it still took me much longer to fully wake up.
I managed to shower and I had a visitor for a little while later that afternoon, and then I was just lazy. Like I said at the beginning of this post - when something seems too big I run from it, and all the painting and all the cleaning and all the things to do were too big right then, so I did absolutely nothing all Tuesday evening, and it was nice although also frustrating since I was angry at myself inside.
On Wednesday night I was scheduled to go to a survey from 5-7 for $90 - it was a survey on cats and cat food, which was to be much more exciting than most survey topics! It was held in The German's building so I was going to pop in to see him for a little bit afterward but then get back here to paint. But the best thing happened - I wasn't chosen for the survey since they overbooked, so I got to walk out at 5:10 with $90 in cash!!! I've always wanted that to happen to me but it never had before, and although I'd have liked doing a cat survey, I also was really really really hoping when I walked in there that I wouldn't get chosen since I needed time to do things.
So I left and called The German and he planned to come to my place after work instead. I stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home and got lots of wonderful booty for when my parents would be here, and then The German met me here and he brought some yogurt and strawberries from the market on the way so he cut up the strawberries and I added honey to the yogurt and we had a wonderful little snack and then watched most of the second episode of Das Boot on my computer. He didn't end up leaving until I think about 10:30 and even though I wanted to paint a little, it was still so hot in the back of my house and I was also really really tired again. I can't remember if I did any cleaning at all before falling asleep. I think I fell right asleep because I remember wanting to write a post but being too sleepy to start.
And then on Thursday night I left work a little early because I knew I had soooooooooooooo much to do before my parents arrived on Friday afternoon. I didn't end up painting at all because my mom would have smelled it, and I ran out of time anyway. I stayed up until 4:45 a.m. on Thursday night/Friday morning. I vacuumed the rugs, swiffered the whole apartment and wet swiffered part of it. I put away millions of little things all over. I spent a long time fully straightening my living room, and then the dining room. I reorganized part of my bedroom and set out the pictures where I wanted to hang them, and sorted through all my laundry and got it ready to take down in the morning. I can't even remember all the other things I did but it took a long, long, long time. I had a lot of odds and ends sitting all around that needed to be put away.
My mom called me a little after 7:30 on Friday morning and I managed to jump up and continue with the cleaning, including doing all the dishes and all the laundry and cleaning the bathroom. And I showered and got ready, and my parents arrived at about 2:45 in the afternoon. They loved my apartment so far! We carried everything up from their car and I made us a snack of the flat-bread pizza-like thing from Trader Joe's that was so amazing! They loved it! Then my dad relaxed for awhile and I finished the dishes while my mom started reorganizing my cabinets - and holy crap, by the time she was completely finished reorganizing things today they all look so amazing and are so well laid-out, and I have so much more room for food, and all the pans I use regularly are within easy reach, it's wonderful!!!
Then we went to dinner - we walked to an Italian restaurant a little ways from me. I had been so nervous about where we would eat because I wanted to go somewhere in my new area, but I also didn't know much about which restaurants are good. Oh yes, on Thursday night after work I had walked past many of them that I was considering and looked inside and got menus from a few of them. I decided on this one place because 1) they took reservations, 2) they have been in business for 15 years so I figured they had to be good, and 3) they had a lot of outdoor seating. So I made a reservation for 7 p.m. to sit outside.
When we got there my parents wanted to sit inside because it was still a little hot for them outside, so we got a cute little table. We had a nice dinner but all three of us were really sleepy so we weren't at our liveliest. And the food was okay but absolutely nothing special - I was actually really disappointed because I had hoped for much better. But oh well, now I know. We came back to my place afterward and I cut up a frozen little chocolate cake that I'd gotten at Trader Joe's (I had of course defrosted it first) and they sang happy birthday to me, and we all loved the yummy cake. And then we all just relaxed for awhile and watched TV and my mom got on her computer briefly and we chatted on and off, and it was just very relaxed, and then we all went to bed.
On Saturday we woke up and my dad and I started hanging some of the pictures in my living room, and my mom continued with the cabinet and cupboard reorganization. Then we went to my favorite little breakfast place near me and we all had three different kinds of their amazing french toast - so so so yummy!!! On the way back we stopped in a mattress store so I could look at the different bedframes. I won't get it from there because the guy was charging well over $100 more than I've seen online. But I think I've made my mind up about which frame I'll get now. And then we stopped in a Sears and they got me a little tiny microwave which looks just fabulous by my sink and takes up the perfect amount of room while leaving so much open space, and it actually makes my kitchen look so much better! Oh and they had also brought me another air contioner for my birthday but we didn't get a chance to put it in, so The German is coming over maybe tomorrow night to help me install it in my dining room. And they also brought me a stand-up fan which will work perfectly in my bedroom on hot nights.
Then I took a bit of a nap while my parents got ready for the wedding they were going to. I walked them to get a cab a little before 4 in the afternoon, and then I came back here and thought about posting but it just seemed like too much of a task. I had a bit of a stomach ache which continued until this morning - I don't know why but it felt almost like a little tiny bug. So instead I laid on my couch and read 200 pages of the 6th Harry Potter novel - because I've just been itching to read it again with all the little talk about Harry in the news. (And by the way, I share the same birthday with J.K. Rowling and also with Harry!!!) Then I played with little James and Emmalove for awhile, and then did the dishes from the last day and put them away, and started getting ready for bed, and watched a little TV, and was feeling basically restless and moody and annoyed and stomach-achy and pms-y. I got a little snippy with The German when he called and all he could talk about was stupid sailing and his slight idea of going on one of these training boats for half a year or even a whole year - I was really annoyed, both at him and also at myself because I was knowing in my mind that he's never going to come around and never going to be able to give me what I want.
My parents came home at about 11 p.m. and I wasn't in the best of moods and didn't feel the best but I heard all about the wedding and looked at some pictures that my mom took, and then my dad stopped flipping the remote on a show about giant squid and we all became quite intrigued with it (although my mom was nodding off a bit)! Then we went to bed soon after that.
This morning it took my mom a long time to wake me up, I was sooooooo sleepy! I wasn't really fully able to wake up until I showered. Then after I showered and dressed, I walked into the dining room where my parents were sitting and my dad was having a problem finding something on a website so my mom offered to help and then he was just being his normal rude self when he's frustrated with something - he was snippy with my mom and sounding so mean. I hate this about him. He gets angry so easily about the stupidest little things. He gets angry with us when something isn't working the way he wants it to work. He lashes out with rudeness and a terrible tone, and I have always absolutely hated it. When I was young and we knew he was in one of his moods, we had to walk around on eggshells so he wouldn't have one of his little blowups. And when sometimes I wouldn't feel like treading all delicately around him and would call him on it, he would just lash out and make it sound as if I and everyone else were picking on him.
Well anyway, this morning when he was being rude to my mom, I told him to stop with the attitude, and to stop blaming my mom for him not being able to figure out a website. But instead of being chastised he got snippy with me, so I told him that he had no reason to get upset with me for pointing out his bad behavior. My mom walked out of the room to get ready for her shower and my dad and I continued maybe twice between us, and he was just so much his rude and asshole-y self and it made me burst into tears - to which he gave me this incredulous face which said "what's wrong with you, you little twit, I didn't do anything wrong and certainly nothing to make you cry!" Through my crying I told him to not even give me that face, and as I walked out of the room he made a big sighing or more like an annoyed quick push out of breath and said "jeeze!" in this terrible tone like he always does - poor him, everyone out to get him. So I told him I was about to kick him out to his car, and he made some stupid, "fine, I'll just leave then" comment.
I sat on the couch and couldn't stop crying and my mom came in and held me for awhile while I stopped crying and then she combed out my wet hair and that made me feel so much better because I just love having my hair combed. For the next hour I got ready and my mom got ready and my dad just stayed in the dining room probably reading his magazines. Finally my mom said that we should start hanging up the pictures in my room and I told her I wasn't going to do anything until I received an apology. She walked in the dining room and I heard her talking to my dad, and then he came walking into the living room with me and playfully pulled my blanket off me. I pulled it back on and gave him a look, and he had a little smile on his face and sat down next to me and put a hand on my leg.
I asked him if there was something he wanted to say and he gave sort of an embarrassed laugh and my mom told him to go ahead. He couldn't come out and say "I'm sorry." I prompted him, my mom did. He finally said, "I apologize for whatever I did." I told him that wasn't nearly good enough and asked him what he did that he was sorry for, and he gave some "for whatever you're upset about" answer, so that gave me free reign to lay out all the ridiculousness of his behavior, and how he acts so often like a two-year-old brat who can only think of himself and throws tantrums all the time, and at the same time he acts like a pms-y girl. I went on for quite awhile about how he's 60 years old and it's time for him to grow up, that he needs to stop this taking anger out on those who he loves for the most stupid of things, how he needs to start accepting responsibility for his own behavior because he's the only one who he can control, how he needs to learn how to apologize after he has hurt someone because just going on and acting as if nothing happened does not heal the hurt that he inflicted and it also is him never owning up to any of his own bad behavior, of which there is plenty. I also pointed out that all his anger at stupid things, and overreactions to things, are only filled with negativity, and his lashing out and his rudeness are only negativity, and his hurtful comments and attitude are all negative, and life is too short to have all this negativity and hurt happening - and that by him not even taking responsibility and apologizing for his actions, it breeds more negativity and the hurt stays deep inside. I went on and on and on in this kind of same vein. My mom was nodding the whole time. My dad was listening and nodding sometimes, and laughing a little nervously sometimes because he knew everything I was saying was correct. We kept it all both serious and also a little light. I kept pointing out all my wisdom to him, and the fact that at 30, I have so much more wisdom and so much more figured out than he does at 60, which he laughed at a little but also agreed with and asked how I got to be so smart and also so different from both him and my mom. I told him I got lucky and got the good genes.
Anyway, I was able to get a lot off my chest so I felt better. He also had to listen to it all because he felt bad and realized he was wrong and felt bad for hurting me and making me cry. And I think he really did listen to what I was saying. I also told him that I when I go home for Labor Day I'm going to bring him his own copy of The Tao of Pooh and I'm going to underline everything that I have underlined in my own copy of it. And I told him I'd be searching for another book for him as well, because he needs to learn to step back and see the big picture and that most of these little things that annoy him and cause him to be rude and lash out are just insignificant things that he won't remember in a week, let alone a year from now. And he also needs to learn to just go with the natural flow of things and not fight or get so upset, and to remember that love is the most important thing and to show it often and say it often. And a lot more.
Okay, so after that I felt better but my eyes were still a little sore. My mom told him that he should hug me so he did and I gave him a big hug back. And then he helped me put up two pictures and a mirror in my bedroom, and then we put up all the rest of my pictures in the living room. My flower pictures look absolutely fabulous!!! My whole place looks even so much better since before they came! My mom's reorganization is amazing! I'm going to take pictures of my cupboards and cabinets because they're so pretty and so organized!After that we walked a little ways to have brunch at another one of my favorite places. My dad had pancakes with berries and white chocolate on them, I had a breakfast burrito, and my mom had this mushroom bread pudding - I don't like mushrooms much because of their texture, but I tried a piece without loose mushrooms and the bread pudding itself was amazing! Then we came back here and my dad packed the car and my mom took pictures all the rooms in my place, and I set up my tripod and took some pictures of the three of us together, which I'll print out and put in one of my frames very soon.
I was sad to see them go, and my place feels very empty and lonely tonight without them here. It's always that way after one of their visits. I feel a little bad that we didn't actually do much, because they spent so much time in my apartment doing things, but I'm also so happy that they did because it looks so nice and amazing now! And whenever I visit my mom or she visits me, she always says at least once that she wishes I would move back to Michigan so she can take care of me there and see me all the time. It makes me feel bad. And a big part of me would love to be one of those families that all live in the same city and get together every weekend for a dinner, or pop into each other's houses. I would really like that, but not in Michigan. I wouldn't be happy at all living in the city where I grew up. I love Chicago, and I love the big city, and I love the diversity, and I love the more openmindedness.
My brother and I talked about this a couple months when he was here for a few days - about how nice it would be to all live in the same city. He said he was going to try to get us all to move down to Atlanta. And speaking of Atlanta, I need to email him so he can pick a weekend for me to come down there and visit them. They just picked up their second adopted puppy a little over a week ago! Little Lacey joined big sister Sammy - Lacey looks just absolutely adorable, and so much like a little baby that I just want to cuddle her and tell her it's all going to be okay! 
So I want to go meet both of my little puppy nieces!!! And of course see my brother and sister-in-law, and see their new house, and also see Atlanta because I've never been there. I think late October/early November would be a wonderful time to visit because it would still be warm there! I'll email my brother about it tomorrow!
What else? I'm starting to feel guilty about being too hard on my dad. When I was outside saying bye to them but before our actual hugs goodbye, he said "because I'm such a bad dad" in regard to something that I can't remember. I hate thinking about my dad feeling sad. When I was giving him my talking-to, I could tell he was feeling really bad, and his eyes looked a little watery, although I could easily be reading wrongly that his eyes were teary because my dad doesn't cry. But still, I'm feeling really bad now. On one hand, I'm glad I said all that I said to him because it needed to be said and he needs to work on his behavior, but on the other hand I don't want him to be suffering. I still remember very well one time in high school when we got in a big fight and afterward I was really, really harsh and told him how he was never around when I was young and blamed him for so many things and told him he'd ruined certain things, and he was really teary eyed and asked me in such a sad and broken voice if we could start over again, and I hate my teenage self for this because I remember my answer was "I don't know" - I still remember this with so so so much guilt, because I was a stupid teenager who convinced myself of certain things and blamed him for way too much. And I remember him leaving the basement after we had this talk and after I told him I didn't know if we could even start over, and I remember him looking so devastated and hurt, and I remember sobbing afterwards. I'm still tortured by this memory. I think I'm going to have to send him a card - I'm now suddenly consumed with guilt that I've really hurt him and I picture him suffering silently inside and feeling so low and that he's a terrible person. I can't stand the thought of my dad suffering like that. Maybe I'll have to call him tomorrow. When I hugged him goodbye I did hug really tight and I told him I loved him three times before he realized that he needed to say it back.Here are a couple more pictures of my place. Neither are particularly good photos but the first shows my wonderful red wall and part of my yellow hallway, and my pretty yellow fake daisies in my favorite little flower-holders. And the second shows the pretty fushia flowers by my mirror in the same wonderful holders - for some reason the wall doesn't look very yellow there but it's really the same color as the other yellow (and also the little holes on either side of my mirror are because I moved the mirror down lower but now I need to spackle the holes and touch up the paint there. I need to take some much better pictures though, as these aren't a great representation of how wonderful my place looks - but at least they show a little!
I'm so tired. I've spent absolutely forever writing this post and it's now way past my bedtime. I'm going to do a quick read-through but I don't know if I can check the whole thing for spelling and grammar and missing words. Tomorrow I'll be doing Gratitude Tuesday for both F (which I missed last week) and G!!
