Gratitude Tuesday - the D's
I haven't painted anymore yet because it's just too hot. I'm actually feeling quite pissy with myself right now because I've just been useless for the past two days. I want to do my dishes but it's too hot back there. I want to paint but I'm just worn out and it's still not cold enough in my place. I want to get my guitar out and start relearning - I promised myself that I would start last week. Tomorrow night I will get it out right when I get home and after I feed the babies. I'll just strum a little for fun and play a few chords a few times. I'll take it very easy and not pressure myself so I won't get discouraged. I also want to vacuum. And I want to straighten up my living room. All these things! And I do none of them! I hate when I see all the little things that I'm not doing, I hate knowing I could and should be doing more.
Hmmm. But I'm reminded again of my Tao of Pooh book, and I'm going to be okay with it, and just go with it. Tomorrow is another day and everything will still be here to do, and there's no need for me to be stressing about it because it doesn't help anything. It's amazing, that little Pooh book. It's really helped me gain some perspective, and when I think of it I immediately feel both my body and my mind relax. I see so much truth and wisdom in the message of the book, but at the same time I don't understand it all. But it's okay, and I just enjoy the relaxed and peaceful feelings that I get whenever I think of it and what it has helped me to realize.
Whew! I feel that I'm fighting a cold because I had a slight sore throat this morning and then at the end of work I again had a sore throat, and watery eyes, and wasn't feeling right. So I got off the train early and walked to a grocery store and got some stuff, including orange juice, and then lugged it all a few blocks to a bus and then lugged it off the bus and to my place. I admit that I was feeling just a wee bit sorry for myself. I had a large glass of orange juice and it was so tasty but then I got heartburn so had to suck down some Tums. And I think I'm still having some acid reflux (my prescription for Nexium ran out and I never got it refilled, because I don't want to take the meds if I don't have to, and I'm generally doing okay now). Anyway though, I'll drink a bunch more tomorrow morning, and I'm going to sleep immediately after posting this.
Well now, it's time for my list of so many things that I'm grateful for that begin with the letter D. First though, I just need to note that there are a shitload of depressing and sad and bad and negative D words. When looking through all the D words in the dictionary I had to fight against getting depressed. So while I'm grateful for all these things, I'm also grateful for not having to look through all the D words anymore. :)
Today, I'm grateful for:
Dogs - I don't have a d
og right now, but I love and adore dogs just like I adore cats. And I'm so grateful that I was able to spend 11 wonderful years with my little doggy soulmate, Muffin, my sweet English Cocker Spaniel. She was the sweetest and most loving baby, and was my sister, my friend, and my pet all in one. And I'll never forget her sweet little butt wiggle when she was so excited to see me, or how much she loved to sit in my lap. We had a very special connection.
Each Day - I'm grateful for every day that I wake up, and knowing deep inside that on that day, anything is possible. Each day is a brand new start, and brings the opportunity for me to make something wonderful happen!
Dad - I love my Dad. He's not perfect but he's wonderful at the same time, and he's taught me by example both how I want to be and how I don't want to be. And let me tell you, when he gives me that look sometimes, that one with the soft eyes filled with the love and the certain look on his face, it melts my heart like nothing else can. I am so blessed to have him in my life and as my father.
Dancing - I don't dance very often, not nearly often enough, but I'm grateful for the ability to dance, to move any which way, and to feel that sense of abandon and freedom.
Danger - I joke about how I want a little danger in a guy, and I do want a little bit of a bad side, that's true. But also, the fact that there is danger out there makes feeling safe and secure all the more wonderful.
Databases - because my computer is in danger of crashing again, I have realized how grateful I am for the databases that the computer holds - or maybe I'm not using that correctly, maybe the computer actually IS the database. But regardless, you get my drift. I'm grateful for the ability to storea massive amount of documents, music and pictures on various databases so we can hopefully keep them forever.
Debauchery - from the dictionary: "extreme indulgence of one's appetites, esp. for sensual pleasure..." I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to indulge in any way I please.
Debit cards - what a fabulous little invention!
Decisions - I'm so grateful that I have the ability to make so many of my own decisions.
Decorations and Decorating - I love looking at home decorating magazines and catalogs like Pottery Barn. I love looking at paint color swatches. I love looking at all kinds of cool pictures, mirrors, rugs, furniture, and all kinds of cute and cool little things to make a place a home and also look fabulous at the same time. So fun! And they give me little ideas for my own decorating, which is nothing even close to what they do in the magazines but it helps me put together a home that I love.
Democracy - I don't know if it's the perfect system, but it has a lot of benefits and has contributed to the freedoms and liberty that we each have. I'm grateful for that.
Dentists - I haven't been to one in two years which is very bad of me and pure procrastination in finding one since my last dentist's office kept cancelling and rescheduling until I finally said fuck them. But I'm so grateful for dentists in keeping our teeth healthy and beautiful, and also grateful for orthodontists (in case I forget when O comes up) for giving me a straight and beautiful smile!
Depression - it seems very strange for me to say that I'm grateful for depression, but I am. It's a part of me and has contributed in many ways to who I am today. And because I like myself today, and I know having depression has helped me grow and be very accepting of others, I'm grateful for it's affect on my life in terms of that growth, compassion and understanding that it has given me. And I'm also grateful that I can help in some small way to reduce the stigma that has often been associated with depression and other such mental illnesses, because I am very open about having suffered it and currently being on antidepressants. I hope that by some people hearing that, and seeing that I'm a normal and wonderful person, they will be much more open-minded regarding the illness that so many people will have at some point in their lives.
Desserts - who doesn't like desserts?! I'm so grateful that there's something extra to look forward to after a good meal!
Desire - from my sidebar, a partial quote from Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho, "desire is an entirely free sensation, loose in the air, vibrating, filling life with the will to have something..." I find all the books by Coelho that I've read to be fascinating, but this book was amazing in so many ways. I need to read it again. "The will to have something...," I love that, so beautiful.
Determination - this can be a very powerful thing. To determine to do or not do something, sometimes it takes a lot of determination to follow through, but I've shown myself that I have a lot of determination when I really set my mind to something.
Diamonds - I'm a girl, aren't I? I'm not much of a jewelry person at all, but I do want a big diamond on my finger someday! :) And my justification of the word "big": because I won't want necklaces, earrings, bracelettes, rings, and all that other expensive crap that many women expect year after year, I decided that we can add the value of all those potential gifts and bring it back to present-day value, and then the 2-carat-or-so diamond that I'll want won't seem like such a big purchase!!! :)
Dictionaries - I'm so grateful to have the ability to look up words, to find a definition of any word. And I'm so grateful that it's online now, too!
Differences - there are so many differences all over the world, on so many levels, and I love learning about those differences. It makes the world such an interesting place, and it makes every person interesting as well.
Digestion - another not-so-simple thing that we all take for granted. I'm grateful that I can eat food and my body can take all the good things out of it and get rid of the rest. And I'm grateful that I'm not like a cow and have to throw up what I ate and eat it again - sorry for the gross image there, but it's what entered my mind when I thought of digestion!
Dignity - one of the definitions from the dictionary: "poise and self-respect." Another: "the quality of being worthy of esteem or honor; worthiness." This is a bit of a complicated one for me. I'm grateful that today I feel I am worthy, I feel I'm deserving, I have self-respect and I think it's for good reasons. Another part of me doesn't like the word or idea because it reminds me of my mom telling me many times during my middle school and especially high school years that if I had sex or did anything sexual with a guy, the guy would tell everyone and no one would respect me, and she was implicitly telling me that I wouldn't be worthy of respect or self-respect if I "gave it up." It brings up all kinds of questions and issues, and worries about how I'll address this whole issue with my future daughter someday. But I'm also grateful that I've gotten beyond all that negativity regarding sex!
Dill Pickles - they're yummy! And taste soooooo good on a hot dog!
Disappointments, Disagreements, Disapproval - these are some of the many negative D words, but without these and other similar things, the good things - the satisfactions, excitements, agreements, approvals, and rewards - wouldn't mean nearly as much.
Discoveries - I'm grateful to be able to make little discoveries almost every day, and for being aware enough to recognize many of them.
Disinfectant - how did people use to clean their kitchens and bathrooms? Or maybe they didn't, which is one reason that so many people use to die so young.
Divorce - this is another one that sounds odd, to be writing that I'm grateful for divorce. I haven't been married yet, but I feel good knowing that nothing has to be forever no matter what. I'm grateful that the option is out there just in case, and grateful that it's not the unspeakable thing that it was fifty years ago.
Dawn Wash & Toss - these little things absolutely kick ass now that I have to wash all my own dishes without the help of a dishwasher. I love all the little wash & toss things of today - the lysol wipes, the swiffer duster things, the little disposable dust clothes, disposable mirror wipes - it makes it all so easy and especially means I don't have to keep gross sponges and rags sitting around.
Donors - I'm grateful for people who donate their time, their money, their possessions, and finally their bodies, all to help others. They set a wonderful example for me to learn from.
Dreaming, Dreams, Daydreams - this one can be a little hard to describe as well. I find dreams fascinating, and the fact that our brains do whatever it is they're doing when we aren't consciously trying to do it. I also love little daydreams, especially the naughty ones! And finally, I'm grateful for dreams, as in hopes for the future, plans, wishes. Two quotes: "It is difficult to say what is impossible for us. The dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow." - Robert Goddard; "Always keep one still, secret spot where dreams may go and, sheltered so, may thrive and grow." - Louise Priscoll. I fully agree with each of these, especially the first one.
Drinking - another thing we take for granted - I'm very grateful for the ability to drink, and to have that satisfaction of taking a big drink when I'm thirsty.
Driving - I don't currently have a car, but I'm grateful that I know how to drive and that I have my driver's license so I'm able to drive if the need arises.
Drugs - the good kind, of course. I'm so grateful for all the various medicines and other such drugs out there that make our lives easier and more comfortable.
Dusk and Dawn - I love the colors of dusk and dawn, and the difference in sound, smell and feel during these times of the day. I especially love the color of the sky as dusk is approaching - it turns the most amazing deep blue, then midnight blue, and on and on. It takes my breath away every time I see it.
Okay, that's it! I really need to go to sleep now. Tomorrow I'll get my guitar out when I get home. And if I don't need extra rest (because I'll listen to my body and the rhythm of things) then I'll tape the rest of my living room and get some painting done. One more quote from the new little quote book I got: "Right now is a good time." - Tote Yamada
