The German in his own words and a fabulous idea from my grandpa
The song that partially fits my current mood for this post: Dylan - Just Like A Woman
Here is part of my instant message conversation with The German from Monday:
...
Caterpillar: does my thing with SP bother you at all?
The German: No, I like that you are friends with SP, actually
Caterpillar: how do you mean that?
The German: He seems a nice man and [fills a certain roll] for you
The German: and the captain [aka The German - yes, he's little odd sometimes!] doesn't provide that
Caterpillar: yes, he definitely [fills such a roll]
Caterpillar: but what about the other part of my relationship with him - the sexual side - does that bother you?
The German: i think you like a man to admire and you seem to have had some airheads before, or at least boring ones
The German: no, it doesn't bother me at all what you do with him. It's exciting in a way because it's naughty
The German: I don't claim you for the captain, never felt like claiming anybody
The German: i'm too silly and immature to claim anybody and make them share all my weirdness
The German: it wouldn't be fair and would make me responsible to somebody. I'm not settled in life, and might well never be
Caterpillar: First of all, yes you are silly - but silly is good. And sometimes people like to share in weirdness because they have a weirdness of their own as well. And two weirdnesses together are more fun. Also, I'm just telling you that you're more settled than you like to think and a lot of people get nervous at the idea of being tied down in a way. But it's just life and you go along with it as it comes
Caterpillar: and just live each day and don't look into the future so much and get scared by big things. It's all just little things and making the most out of our life here on earth.
Caterpillar: And so I'm not the booty of the captain!?
Caterpillar: I had to say that because captains of course always have booty!
The German: You are the best booty ever
Caterpillar: but of course!!!
The German: But to be serious for just a minute (I cannot talk too long here now anyway). You know me well enough to know that my disinterest in settled life (home, job, family, babies etc.) is not just a little more intense than with others. It's really something I came to accept - none of this interests me IN THE SLIGHTEST. I'm not joking. And this is not just being scared of anything.
The German: I'm simply not finding anything interesting in it at all
The German: And it would be wrong and cruel to let anybody suffer because of this. It's my fate never to be married, unless I start caring for this. No woman would accept this level of non-commitedness. And none should
The German: There are a few men like this, I guess. They might end badly, sad, alone or who knows. But that doesn't change things
The German: You still think I'll change soon?
Caterpillar: Honestly, I feel changes in you over the past couple months. It's hard to describe exactly - it's more than just your getting a green card or trying Coke. You seem more accepting, more open, less determined to be some predefined way.
The German: hmm
Caterpillar: And the thing is that I know you, and I spend time with you, and I could see you being happy walking a stroller or pushing a little daughter on a swing. I don't know, but I see it more with you than I see it with many guys who will very soon have it. You'd actually be good at it. And as long as you had your quiet time and your "office" where you could go in and play your games and such,
Caterpillar: it doesn't seem so off
The German: i don't know - i might become more easy going. i'm close to having saved the money i need to take it easy
The German: i take it as a compliment, but i'm very stubborn about what i do with my life and time, you know that very well
The German: the fact that i CAN do something doesn't mean i want to do it or be obliged to do it
Caterpillar: I hear you saying it, and I know you can be stubborn. But I also see you many times not being stubborn and being very easy going.
Caterpillar: but I understand the obligation thing
The German: you can blame my self-confidence or my lack of watching TV for it maybe - i don't feel like i have to prove myself by having a woman, a family. I have the feeling that some people do what society, family, friends do because they think that's what they need to do to be complete
The German: what a wife and a family offers is surely very important for most people. But you need to face the possiblily that I'm one of the rest - not going there, ever. Who knows?
The German: And I know that it's very important for you, and you want it soon. I'm not the one for this, it seems
Caterpillar: I know. I'm glad we're talking about it. It's hard for me to talk in person but some of these things have just been on my mind so this is good
Caterpillar: But you do know that you're my best friend, and your weirdness suits me much more than the normalcy of most guys here
The German: but we can talk in person, silly! I've been hanging out with you so much. I want you to talk your mind with me
Caterpillar: But I love having you for a best friend
The German: I'm glad to be your friend! And a fuck sometimes?? [big grin face]
Caterpillar: I know but these kind of conversations always make me cry and I don't want you to feel bad, and plus I can say more in writing that way. And also I have your writing to read over whereas if you say it, I don't remember all of it
The German: I love being naughty with you.
Caterpillar: I like being naughty with you too
The German: You are getting attached to me again, I see that. I've always been attached to you, you know that. Even when I stayed away - I want you to have the space. I don't want you to fool yourself about our prospects, even if we love each other
The German: there's the heart and there's reason, and plans, and time
Caterpillar: I am always attached to you somewhat, it hasn't ever gone away all the way. And I wanted to talk to you now so I hear you say all this, so I don't fool myself.
Caterpillar: but I'm glad to know that you're attached to me, too, so I'm not the only one
The German: of course we are, i'm not cuddling around with everybody. You are a very special woman and I'd hate to lose you
Caterpillar: and I try not to fool myself, I work hard at that when I sometimes am feeling hopeful.
The German: You don't know really how nice and smart and pretty you are, eh? Any man who gets you will be happy
Caterpillar: yes but I don't want just any man. I don't get attached to very many at all
The German: that's a problem for most people, really
Caterpillar: and I need someone who's a little odd, and a little different
Caterpillar: I don't want you to stay away because we talked - it's one reason I didn't talk to you before, because I didn't want you to feel like you had to stay away
The German: no, i promise not to stay away
....
After I read it now with my fresh eyes I don't feel like there's much to say. He was very clear - he doesn't want to be married or have children or have a "normal" life. I know that and I hear it. But then he also says he loves me. And he kisses me all the time, just to kiss me. And he is so affectionate and cuddles me and really holds me, not like most guys who just loosely hold a girl during cuddling. He holds me like I'm precious and like he wants me that extra bit tighter into him.
I'm still only 29 (for another couple weeks) and I know I shouldn't feel rushed. I know there's no preset timeline out there that I need to follow. And I actually very much enjoy the freedom that I have right now. I just wish that I could look in a crystal ball and see myself in four or five years, and see that I won't be alone and that I'll have a child. I just want to know that I'll be okay in the end. Of course I know this is impossible to know, but I would worry so much less if I just knew that.
And I also don't want to be the kind of girl who is pinning my happiness on finding a guy and having the perfect little American dream family. That whole idea makes me want to hurl. I want to always be growing and learning and bettering myself just for me. But love and companionship are also important and I miss that sometimes when I walk down the street alone on a Friday night and pass couple after couple after couple. And I am aware of how happy I am when I'm with The German walking down the street. Things are a little more fun when I have someone who I love and am so comfortable with to share them with.
Enough poo-pooing now. Things will be what they will. I will just work on myself and enjoy the ride and try to notice all the little miracles constantly occurring around me, and take each day as it comes and try to live each and every day to its fullest. I do feel that I'm not necessarily ready to jump into some marriage yet anyway - I am still not nearly complete enough or grown-up enough and still feel that I'm very much a 'work-in-progress'. So I still have some work to do on me. And then I have to trust God that I will find real companionship and love when I'm meant to find it.
And I'm reminding myself now that my mom has told me numerous times how incredibly strong I am. And The Meat told me just last week that I am "so strong - physically, mentally, and your character as well." To remind myself of that makes me feel very good indeed.
In completely unrelated news, I got an email tonight from my grandpa:
I enjoyed your visit. I believe that you will accomplish your objectives. You showed that you can succeed in whatever you set you mind to do. Overcoming your alcohol problem was not easy--but you did it.
I have an inspiration. I would like to hire you during your spare time to write my biography. Would you be interested?
My response, which I wrote and sent immediately after reading his email, began with this:
Would I be interested??? I would LOVE that!!!! LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!!!! I would love learning more about you, and hearing stories I've heard before and also stories that I haven't heard. And I would love to understand you and your life and your thoughts and your family more.
And it ended with, "So anyway - yes, yes, yes, I would absolutely love the opportunity to write your biography! It would be an honor for me to do it. I love you!"
I think it's the most inspired and fabulous idea ever! So I'm pretty fucking excited about this, on so many different levels and for so many different reasons!
My eyes are telling me that it's time for bed. My conscience in telling me how pissed it is that I did none of the cleaning that I wanted and needed to do tonight. I'm going to listen to my body and go to bed at a reasonable hour, which looks to be just about midnight by the time I wash my face, clean the litter pan and get the babies and I to bed. I need to listen to what my body is telling me, after all! The cleaning can wait until tomorrow night (when I PROMISE myself that I'll get right to it when I get home)!
Here is part of my instant message conversation with The German from Monday:
...
Caterpillar: does my thing with SP bother you at all?
The German: No, I like that you are friends with SP, actually
Caterpillar: how do you mean that?
The German: He seems a nice man and [fills a certain roll] for you
The German: and the captain [aka The German - yes, he's little odd sometimes!] doesn't provide that
Caterpillar: yes, he definitely [fills such a roll]
Caterpillar: but what about the other part of my relationship with him - the sexual side - does that bother you?
The German: i think you like a man to admire and you seem to have had some airheads before, or at least boring ones
The German: no, it doesn't bother me at all what you do with him. It's exciting in a way because it's naughty
The German: I don't claim you for the captain, never felt like claiming anybody
The German: i'm too silly and immature to claim anybody and make them share all my weirdness
The German: it wouldn't be fair and would make me responsible to somebody. I'm not settled in life, and might well never be
Caterpillar: First of all, yes you are silly - but silly is good. And sometimes people like to share in weirdness because they have a weirdness of their own as well. And two weirdnesses together are more fun. Also, I'm just telling you that you're more settled than you like to think and a lot of people get nervous at the idea of being tied down in a way. But it's just life and you go along with it as it comes
Caterpillar: and just live each day and don't look into the future so much and get scared by big things. It's all just little things and making the most out of our life here on earth.
Caterpillar: And so I'm not the booty of the captain!?
Caterpillar: I had to say that because captains of course always have booty!
The German: You are the best booty ever
Caterpillar: but of course!!!
The German: But to be serious for just a minute (I cannot talk too long here now anyway). You know me well enough to know that my disinterest in settled life (home, job, family, babies etc.) is not just a little more intense than with others. It's really something I came to accept - none of this interests me IN THE SLIGHTEST. I'm not joking. And this is not just being scared of anything.
The German: I'm simply not finding anything interesting in it at all
The German: And it would be wrong and cruel to let anybody suffer because of this. It's my fate never to be married, unless I start caring for this. No woman would accept this level of non-commitedness. And none should
The German: There are a few men like this, I guess. They might end badly, sad, alone or who knows. But that doesn't change things
The German: You still think I'll change soon?
Caterpillar: Honestly, I feel changes in you over the past couple months. It's hard to describe exactly - it's more than just your getting a green card or trying Coke. You seem more accepting, more open, less determined to be some predefined way.
The German: hmm
Caterpillar: And the thing is that I know you, and I spend time with you, and I could see you being happy walking a stroller or pushing a little daughter on a swing. I don't know, but I see it more with you than I see it with many guys who will very soon have it. You'd actually be good at it. And as long as you had your quiet time and your "office" where you could go in and play your games and such,
Caterpillar: it doesn't seem so off
The German: i don't know - i might become more easy going. i'm close to having saved the money i need to take it easy
The German: i take it as a compliment, but i'm very stubborn about what i do with my life and time, you know that very well
The German: the fact that i CAN do something doesn't mean i want to do it or be obliged to do it
Caterpillar: I hear you saying it, and I know you can be stubborn. But I also see you many times not being stubborn and being very easy going.
Caterpillar: but I understand the obligation thing
The German: you can blame my self-confidence or my lack of watching TV for it maybe - i don't feel like i have to prove myself by having a woman, a family. I have the feeling that some people do what society, family, friends do because they think that's what they need to do to be complete
The German: what a wife and a family offers is surely very important for most people. But you need to face the possiblily that I'm one of the rest - not going there, ever. Who knows?
The German: And I know that it's very important for you, and you want it soon. I'm not the one for this, it seems
Caterpillar: I know. I'm glad we're talking about it. It's hard for me to talk in person but some of these things have just been on my mind so this is good
Caterpillar: But you do know that you're my best friend, and your weirdness suits me much more than the normalcy of most guys here
The German: but we can talk in person, silly! I've been hanging out with you so much. I want you to talk your mind with me
Caterpillar: But I love having you for a best friend
The German: I'm glad to be your friend! And a fuck sometimes?? [big grin face]
Caterpillar: I know but these kind of conversations always make me cry and I don't want you to feel bad, and plus I can say more in writing that way. And also I have your writing to read over whereas if you say it, I don't remember all of it
The German: I love being naughty with you.
Caterpillar: I like being naughty with you too
The German: You are getting attached to me again, I see that. I've always been attached to you, you know that. Even when I stayed away - I want you to have the space. I don't want you to fool yourself about our prospects, even if we love each other
The German: there's the heart and there's reason, and plans, and time
Caterpillar: I am always attached to you somewhat, it hasn't ever gone away all the way. And I wanted to talk to you now so I hear you say all this, so I don't fool myself.
Caterpillar: but I'm glad to know that you're attached to me, too, so I'm not the only one
The German: of course we are, i'm not cuddling around with everybody. You are a very special woman and I'd hate to lose you
Caterpillar: and I try not to fool myself, I work hard at that when I sometimes am feeling hopeful.
The German: You don't know really how nice and smart and pretty you are, eh? Any man who gets you will be happy
Caterpillar: yes but I don't want just any man. I don't get attached to very many at all
The German: that's a problem for most people, really
Caterpillar: and I need someone who's a little odd, and a little different
Caterpillar: I don't want you to stay away because we talked - it's one reason I didn't talk to you before, because I didn't want you to feel like you had to stay away
The German: no, i promise not to stay away
....
After I read it now with my fresh eyes I don't feel like there's much to say. He was very clear - he doesn't want to be married or have children or have a "normal" life. I know that and I hear it. But then he also says he loves me. And he kisses me all the time, just to kiss me. And he is so affectionate and cuddles me and really holds me, not like most guys who just loosely hold a girl during cuddling. He holds me like I'm precious and like he wants me that extra bit tighter into him.
I'm still only 29 (for another couple weeks) and I know I shouldn't feel rushed. I know there's no preset timeline out there that I need to follow. And I actually very much enjoy the freedom that I have right now. I just wish that I could look in a crystal ball and see myself in four or five years, and see that I won't be alone and that I'll have a child. I just want to know that I'll be okay in the end. Of course I know this is impossible to know, but I would worry so much less if I just knew that.
And I also don't want to be the kind of girl who is pinning my happiness on finding a guy and having the perfect little American dream family. That whole idea makes me want to hurl. I want to always be growing and learning and bettering myself just for me. But love and companionship are also important and I miss that sometimes when I walk down the street alone on a Friday night and pass couple after couple after couple. And I am aware of how happy I am when I'm with The German walking down the street. Things are a little more fun when I have someone who I love and am so comfortable with to share them with.
Enough poo-pooing now. Things will be what they will. I will just work on myself and enjoy the ride and try to notice all the little miracles constantly occurring around me, and take each day as it comes and try to live each and every day to its fullest. I do feel that I'm not necessarily ready to jump into some marriage yet anyway - I am still not nearly complete enough or grown-up enough and still feel that I'm very much a 'work-in-progress'. So I still have some work to do on me. And then I have to trust God that I will find real companionship and love when I'm meant to find it.
And I'm reminding myself now that my mom has told me numerous times how incredibly strong I am. And The Meat told me just last week that I am "so strong - physically, mentally, and your character as well." To remind myself of that makes me feel very good indeed.
In completely unrelated news, I got an email tonight from my grandpa:
I enjoyed your visit. I believe that you will accomplish your objectives. You showed that you can succeed in whatever you set you mind to do. Overcoming your alcohol problem was not easy--but you did it.
I have an inspiration. I would like to hire you during your spare time to write my biography. Would you be interested?
My response, which I wrote and sent immediately after reading his email, began with this:
Would I be interested??? I would LOVE that!!!! LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!!!! I would love learning more about you, and hearing stories I've heard before and also stories that I haven't heard. And I would love to understand you and your life and your thoughts and your family more.
And it ended with, "So anyway - yes, yes, yes, I would absolutely love the opportunity to write your biography! It would be an honor for me to do it. I love you!"
I think it's the most inspired and fabulous idea ever! So I'm pretty fucking excited about this, on so many different levels and for so many different reasons!
My eyes are telling me that it's time for bed. My conscience in telling me how pissed it is that I did none of the cleaning that I wanted and needed to do tonight. I'm going to listen to my body and go to bed at a reasonable hour, which looks to be just about midnight by the time I wash my face, clean the litter pan and get the babies and I to bed. I need to listen to what my body is telling me, after all! The cleaning can wait until tomorrow night (when I PROMISE myself that I'll get right to it when I get home)!
