Loving two men
Yesterday was the first time that I had an intersection with regard to loving two different men.
[I watched Hope Floats while typing this, and now can't stop listening to this song because the words and sound of it seem to perfectly fit my mood. This is Garth Brooks singing To Make You Feel My Love from the Hope Floats soundtrack.]
SP had made tentative plans to come over on Saturday late afternoon/evening. He said he would call me on Friday night or early Saturday to confirm, but I didn't hear from him at all. I know that often he doesn't have the real opportunity to make a phone call so I knew there was the very real chance that he would just show up near my place and call me. But still, there was also the chance that he would call me in the evening to tell me that he wasn't able to make it. And I was very torn as to what to do - because The German came over in the morning and we were spending the day together and he didn't seem like he wanted to leave or end our day early, even though I had mentioned to him early on that SP may be coming over in the evening. And I love being with The German, and we were having a very special day and I think even making some real headway in our relationship.
So at 6:50 in the evening, The German and I were at the grocery store and he was getting us steak kebobs to cook for dinner. I hadn't heard any phone ring, but I was checking my cell now and then just to see whether there had been any calls - and this time there was a message from 6:30. First I looked at the phone number and I could tell it was from near me, and then I listened to the message and it was SP - he said he'd call back in a half hour or so. I told The German that SP called and he just said, "oh, I forgot you had plans with him." And then we finished shopping and we didn't see a bus in the distance so The German asked if I wanted to walk back on some side streets and I said yes.
SP called just as we were turning on a side street and I hung back a little and The German walked just slightly ahead of me. This makes me slightly sick to my stomach even as I relive this to write it. I said hi to SP and asked where he was and he said he was about four blocks from my place, and I said I was just leaving the grocery store and was about twenty minutes away, and that I was with The German. And I added in a little voice, "I didn't know if you were coming or not cause I didn't hear from you." SP, in reaction to hearing that I was with The German, said, "oh no," and in answer to me not hearing from him, said, "it was just an impossiblity for me to be able to call."
And then he twice asked what he should do, whether I wanted him to wait for me or whether I wanted him to "take off" - and I was so incredibly torn! The German was walking silently just in front of me and I didn't want to tell him to leave and he didn't exactly offer either so I knew he wanted to stay with me, and SP was waiting four blocks from my place and I absolutely know that for the previous twenty-four hours he had been looking forward to coming over and seeing me. This makes me feel so awful and so bad even now, so awful.
I didn't tell SP to take off, but I asked him if there was any way he could come back today (Sunday) instead and he said maybe, it might be a possibility, he'd see. I told him that I just didn't know if he could come and I didn't want to tell The German to leave (SP doesn't know that The German knows about him), and SP agreed that it would be a little awkward - but I just know that his stomach was dropping and he was so disappointed because he had his answer that I was telling him to leave (this makes my eyes tear up as I write this now).
I said I wanted him to come tomorrow, or I would leave work early on Monday and he could come then, or he could come on Tuesday sometime, but that I hoped he could come tomorrow (today). SP said he brought me some stuff for fixing up my apartment and that made me feel even worse, because he had gotten it all together and was going to help me with some stuff. I know this relationship means alot to him, and it gives him something to be excited about - and it means so much to me as well. Things will never be more than they are now, but it doesn't change the importance of this for either of us. And he had to go home all alone, with his car packed up with the stuff for me, and sit the whole night thinking about what we would be doing and the fun and connection we would be having. And I know he would be angry with himself for feeling sad and disappointed, and would be trying to distance himself in his mind. And I know he would feel guilty for feeling sad, and happy for me that I was spending time with The German because he wants me to be happy (the tears are flowing now). But he had to feel alone and be thinking about it all night, and feel so disappointed and so sad, and that absolutely breaks my heart.
I don't know if I'll hear from SP today or not. He's probably busy and won't be able to find the time to come over, and he's probably also feeling bad and trying to distance himself mentally, and he probably also feels hurt because I did choose The German over him. (Right now Hope Floats is ending and When You Love Someone by Bryan Adams is playing and that makes me cry even more.) My heart is seriously breaking here, and I don't know if it'll get better when I do talk to him. The whole world seems gray and sad and awful to me today and I'm so sad, and now can't stop crying. I wish SP were here so I could just hold him and hug him and make him feel happy, and I hate knowing that he's bothered and sad and that I can't reach him to tell him how bad I feel, although that would just make him feel bad and he'd say it's all okay even though I know it isn't. The only thing that would make me feel okay right now would be to have him come here so I could hold him and talk to him. Because this is torture for me right now, and my heart is so so so heavy.
I'm going to try to stop thinking my such sad thoughts and finish my story of yesterday.
The walk home from the grocery store after talking to SP was really hard for me. I told The German that I told SP to go home because I was with him, and The German said, "you didn't have to do that," but he didn't seem to feel bad about my choice at all. He asked whether SP was sad or upset and I said I was sure that he was really disppointed, but he knew that he didn't call to confirm with me so he understood, but I thought he'd be sad that night. And then The German didn't say any more about it.
While we were walking home, inside half of my heart was crying and I was feeling so awful and so sad and so bad and so torn. But I also didn't want The German to see that and feel bad, so I was trying to put a happy face on and still joke with him. It was really hard. When we got back to my place I couldn't help trying to look down my street just to see if SP were there somewhere but The German was waiting for me to unlock the door so I couldn't look too much.
Inside, I quickly turned on the AC in the living room because it was so humid outside, and then The German and I sat on the couch and looked up recipes for plantains because we got a couple plantains/platanos at the grocery store (he left them with me to ripen and we'll make plantains next time he comes over). Then he altered the cushions on the couch and we watched half a movie cuddled together, and he had his arm around me or on me the whole time.
We took a break in the middle of the movie to make dinner because we were quite hungry. I made a spinach salad with feta and walnuts and he cooked up our steak kebobs in the oven - and holy shit were those things so good and they were only $2 each at this grocery store!!! I couldn't stop exclaiming about them being only $2 - this makes me so happy to not be living in Lincoln Park anymore!! After eating we watched the rest of the movie and then at 11 p.m. he packed up and went home - but we hugged and kissed a number of times before he left.
Now I have to go back to the beginning of the day. The German came over at about 11 a.m. and we planned to go to breakfast right away but when he walked in and saw the sexy little green shirt I was wearing he got other things on his mind. He also said that he now saw just how much weight I'd lost because "you've never had a waist like that before" - to which I of course said "fuck you, but thank you, too!" He sat on the couch and I sat next to him but he grabbed my legs and pulled me over and on top of him so that I was straddling him, and he pulled the green shirt up over my breasts. A few minutes later he picked me up and carried me to the bed and stripped my pants off and took all his own clothes off - but he left the green shirt half on me because he liked it so much.
We spent the next two hours in bed playing, fucking, cuddling, and talking. At one point when he was talking again about getting a stupid bigger boat in a couple years and spending the winters cruising around the Carribbean, I rolled on top of him, straddled him and held his arms above his head and told him that he needed to just stay here, and realize that he's happy here, and stop making stupid plans and just live his life now. And he smiled and said, "you want me to stay here, do you?" and I told him of course and when he said winters were too cold here I told him he sounded too much like my brother and that yes it's cold sometimes in the winter but we all deal with it and it's not so bad and he's lived here for eight or nine years and existed just fine with the cold and he needs to stop whining like a little baby! He laughed at that and throughout this little exchange of ours I kept it light but was saying very real things and he didn't argue or get stubborn or say stupid things like he would have a couple years ago and instead I could tell that he liked what I was saying.
A little after 1:00 in the afternoon we went for breakfast to a little place near me and holy shit was it amazing! First of all, it was so cute inside, and second, the food was out of this world! The German had some egg dish that had a bunch of stuff in it and he was raving about it but didn't even stop to give me any - not that I would have taken any though because I was too busy enjoying the heaven that was my brioche french toast with sour cherries, creme anglaise and whipped cream and was so fucking good and perfect in every way! Then we came back to my place and laid down in bed again and cuddled and napped for awhile and also fooled around a bit more.
Then we walked around outside for awhile, and The German wanted to show me a little garden that he had walked past on his way to my place that morning and that he knew I would just love. He also talked a lot about his job and the current goings on there. Oh and also, while we had been laying in bed earlier and talking, I'd asked him to again tell me about the story of his appendix bursting back when he was 25 and he talked about it for a long time, including telling me that when he was in the hospital for the four weeks his dad had opened up and really showed his affection and said so much to him, and he said his dad isn't usually like that. We talked about how much it meant to him because he still remembered it so well. That was so sweet to hear - and The German doesn't often talk about his family and especially not in emotional terms. So it meant so much to hear him talking about it. I sense many changes in him in recent months. He's really opening up and also becoming much less stubborn and stuck in his ways. It's so amazing and positive.
Anyway, we had a very good time walking around and talking and were very affectionate, and we also stopped in a Cold Stone Creamery and shared a bowl of ice cream - the first time either of us had ever eaten there. And then we walked to the grocery store and were having fun shopping there, and then the call from SP and I've already addressed the rest.
So to conclude - I feel that my relationship is really growing with The German, and I feel him growing and changing, and I had an absolutely wonderful day with him, and I am really seeing a posibility now of a future with him because of these changes, and it makes me so happy. And on the other hand, I feel so much guilt and worry for SP because I also love him so much and my relationship with him means so incredibly much to me, and I am tortured right now because I hurt him. I know he'll be okay, and I know we'll be okay, but he's much more sensitive and emotional than he usually lets people see, and he also sometimes falls into depressive moods and loses hope, and I worry about him and I know that I'm one of the parts of his life that gives him excitement and hope and makes him feel alive, and I love that and love that I can help him like that. It just makes it so hard now. And I know he sees the big picture as do I, but we also both can't help but feel so much, too.
So loving two men is getting harder but I'm not going to stop loving either of them. My relationship with both of them will change as we grow, but I'll still love them. In different ways, of course, but still love them. I don't have other answers right now because of course my heart is involved so it's much harder to be objective and do the "smart thing".
And in other news, when I took a clean towel out of my cabinet for my shower today, there was a small live wormy thing right on the top of the towel - and I am thanking God that I use white towels now and not dark ones. I pushed the little thing into a ziplock bag so I could save it and find out what kind of wormy thing it is - it has some little hairs sticking out of the back of it and losts of little legs so now I'm thinking it's a baby centipede, which is very bothersome because then there are probably other babies in my cabinet as well and they'll grow to big centipedes which are gross! But the problem now is that I'm liking this little baby centipede. It's pretty cute and when it's in the sunlight it's kind of an irridescent copper color. I put a piece of spinach in the ziplock bag for it and keep opening and closing the ziplock bag so it has enough oxygen. Of course, I'm not going to keep it for a pet, but I don't want to be responsible for making it die a slow death of suffocation either - I would feel so awful then. I think I'll try to take some pictures of it and then I'll let it out in the grass out front. It's a living creature, after all, and it's not its fault that its mother gave birth to it in my apartment where she wasn't supposed to be in the first place!
Okay, that's all. My eyes are sore and warm from crying, but the sun has come out outside and I see blue sky and it's giving me a little tiny bit of hope - and I know I'll talk to SP tomorrow if he doesn't call today, and that's making me happy because I just really want to talk to him and hear his voice and try to make him happy. I'm going to stop talking about it now because it's making me want to cry again - but I like the blue sky outside anyway.
[I watched Hope Floats while typing this, and now can't stop listening to this song because the words and sound of it seem to perfectly fit my mood. This is Garth Brooks singing To Make You Feel My Love from the Hope Floats soundtrack.]
SP had made tentative plans to come over on Saturday late afternoon/evening. He said he would call me on Friday night or early Saturday to confirm, but I didn't hear from him at all. I know that often he doesn't have the real opportunity to make a phone call so I knew there was the very real chance that he would just show up near my place and call me. But still, there was also the chance that he would call me in the evening to tell me that he wasn't able to make it. And I was very torn as to what to do - because The German came over in the morning and we were spending the day together and he didn't seem like he wanted to leave or end our day early, even though I had mentioned to him early on that SP may be coming over in the evening. And I love being with The German, and we were having a very special day and I think even making some real headway in our relationship.
So at 6:50 in the evening, The German and I were at the grocery store and he was getting us steak kebobs to cook for dinner. I hadn't heard any phone ring, but I was checking my cell now and then just to see whether there had been any calls - and this time there was a message from 6:30. First I looked at the phone number and I could tell it was from near me, and then I listened to the message and it was SP - he said he'd call back in a half hour or so. I told The German that SP called and he just said, "oh, I forgot you had plans with him." And then we finished shopping and we didn't see a bus in the distance so The German asked if I wanted to walk back on some side streets and I said yes.
SP called just as we were turning on a side street and I hung back a little and The German walked just slightly ahead of me. This makes me slightly sick to my stomach even as I relive this to write it. I said hi to SP and asked where he was and he said he was about four blocks from my place, and I said I was just leaving the grocery store and was about twenty minutes away, and that I was with The German. And I added in a little voice, "I didn't know if you were coming or not cause I didn't hear from you." SP, in reaction to hearing that I was with The German, said, "oh no," and in answer to me not hearing from him, said, "it was just an impossiblity for me to be able to call."
And then he twice asked what he should do, whether I wanted him to wait for me or whether I wanted him to "take off" - and I was so incredibly torn! The German was walking silently just in front of me and I didn't want to tell him to leave and he didn't exactly offer either so I knew he wanted to stay with me, and SP was waiting four blocks from my place and I absolutely know that for the previous twenty-four hours he had been looking forward to coming over and seeing me. This makes me feel so awful and so bad even now, so awful.
I didn't tell SP to take off, but I asked him if there was any way he could come back today (Sunday) instead and he said maybe, it might be a possibility, he'd see. I told him that I just didn't know if he could come and I didn't want to tell The German to leave (SP doesn't know that The German knows about him), and SP agreed that it would be a little awkward - but I just know that his stomach was dropping and he was so disappointed because he had his answer that I was telling him to leave (this makes my eyes tear up as I write this now).
I said I wanted him to come tomorrow, or I would leave work early on Monday and he could come then, or he could come on Tuesday sometime, but that I hoped he could come tomorrow (today). SP said he brought me some stuff for fixing up my apartment and that made me feel even worse, because he had gotten it all together and was going to help me with some stuff. I know this relationship means alot to him, and it gives him something to be excited about - and it means so much to me as well. Things will never be more than they are now, but it doesn't change the importance of this for either of us. And he had to go home all alone, with his car packed up with the stuff for me, and sit the whole night thinking about what we would be doing and the fun and connection we would be having. And I know he would be angry with himself for feeling sad and disappointed, and would be trying to distance himself in his mind. And I know he would feel guilty for feeling sad, and happy for me that I was spending time with The German because he wants me to be happy (the tears are flowing now). But he had to feel alone and be thinking about it all night, and feel so disappointed and so sad, and that absolutely breaks my heart.
I don't know if I'll hear from SP today or not. He's probably busy and won't be able to find the time to come over, and he's probably also feeling bad and trying to distance himself mentally, and he probably also feels hurt because I did choose The German over him. (Right now Hope Floats is ending and When You Love Someone by Bryan Adams is playing and that makes me cry even more.) My heart is seriously breaking here, and I don't know if it'll get better when I do talk to him. The whole world seems gray and sad and awful to me today and I'm so sad, and now can't stop crying. I wish SP were here so I could just hold him and hug him and make him feel happy, and I hate knowing that he's bothered and sad and that I can't reach him to tell him how bad I feel, although that would just make him feel bad and he'd say it's all okay even though I know it isn't. The only thing that would make me feel okay right now would be to have him come here so I could hold him and talk to him. Because this is torture for me right now, and my heart is so so so heavy.
I'm going to try to stop thinking my such sad thoughts and finish my story of yesterday.
The walk home from the grocery store after talking to SP was really hard for me. I told The German that I told SP to go home because I was with him, and The German said, "you didn't have to do that," but he didn't seem to feel bad about my choice at all. He asked whether SP was sad or upset and I said I was sure that he was really disppointed, but he knew that he didn't call to confirm with me so he understood, but I thought he'd be sad that night. And then The German didn't say any more about it.
While we were walking home, inside half of my heart was crying and I was feeling so awful and so sad and so bad and so torn. But I also didn't want The German to see that and feel bad, so I was trying to put a happy face on and still joke with him. It was really hard. When we got back to my place I couldn't help trying to look down my street just to see if SP were there somewhere but The German was waiting for me to unlock the door so I couldn't look too much.
Inside, I quickly turned on the AC in the living room because it was so humid outside, and then The German and I sat on the couch and looked up recipes for plantains because we got a couple plantains/platanos at the grocery store (he left them with me to ripen and we'll make plantains next time he comes over). Then he altered the cushions on the couch and we watched half a movie cuddled together, and he had his arm around me or on me the whole time.
We took a break in the middle of the movie to make dinner because we were quite hungry. I made a spinach salad with feta and walnuts and he cooked up our steak kebobs in the oven - and holy shit were those things so good and they were only $2 each at this grocery store!!! I couldn't stop exclaiming about them being only $2 - this makes me so happy to not be living in Lincoln Park anymore!! After eating we watched the rest of the movie and then at 11 p.m. he packed up and went home - but we hugged and kissed a number of times before he left.
Now I have to go back to the beginning of the day. The German came over at about 11 a.m. and we planned to go to breakfast right away but when he walked in and saw the sexy little green shirt I was wearing he got other things on his mind. He also said that he now saw just how much weight I'd lost because "you've never had a waist like that before" - to which I of course said "fuck you, but thank you, too!" He sat on the couch and I sat next to him but he grabbed my legs and pulled me over and on top of him so that I was straddling him, and he pulled the green shirt up over my breasts. A few minutes later he picked me up and carried me to the bed and stripped my pants off and took all his own clothes off - but he left the green shirt half on me because he liked it so much.
We spent the next two hours in bed playing, fucking, cuddling, and talking. At one point when he was talking again about getting a stupid bigger boat in a couple years and spending the winters cruising around the Carribbean, I rolled on top of him, straddled him and held his arms above his head and told him that he needed to just stay here, and realize that he's happy here, and stop making stupid plans and just live his life now. And he smiled and said, "you want me to stay here, do you?" and I told him of course and when he said winters were too cold here I told him he sounded too much like my brother and that yes it's cold sometimes in the winter but we all deal with it and it's not so bad and he's lived here for eight or nine years and existed just fine with the cold and he needs to stop whining like a little baby! He laughed at that and throughout this little exchange of ours I kept it light but was saying very real things and he didn't argue or get stubborn or say stupid things like he would have a couple years ago and instead I could tell that he liked what I was saying.
A little after 1:00 in the afternoon we went for breakfast to a little place near me and holy shit was it amazing! First of all, it was so cute inside, and second, the food was out of this world! The German had some egg dish that had a bunch of stuff in it and he was raving about it but didn't even stop to give me any - not that I would have taken any though because I was too busy enjoying the heaven that was my brioche french toast with sour cherries, creme anglaise and whipped cream and was so fucking good and perfect in every way! Then we came back to my place and laid down in bed again and cuddled and napped for awhile and also fooled around a bit more.Then we walked around outside for awhile, and The German wanted to show me a little garden that he had walked past on his way to my place that morning and that he knew I would just love. He also talked a lot about his job and the current goings on there. Oh and also, while we had been laying in bed earlier and talking, I'd asked him to again tell me about the story of his appendix bursting back when he was 25 and he talked about it for a long time, including telling me that when he was in the hospital for the four weeks his dad had opened up and really showed his affection and said so much to him, and he said his dad isn't usually like that. We talked about how much it meant to him because he still remembered it so well. That was so sweet to hear - and The German doesn't often talk about his family and especially not in emotional terms. So it meant so much to hear him talking about it. I sense many changes in him in recent months. He's really opening up and also becoming much less stubborn and stuck in his ways. It's so amazing and positive.
Anyway, we had a very good time walking around and talking and were very affectionate, and we also stopped in a Cold Stone Creamery and shared a bowl of ice cream - the first time either of us had ever eaten there. And then we walked to the grocery store and were having fun shopping there, and then the call from SP and I've already addressed the rest.
So to conclude - I feel that my relationship is really growing with The German, and I feel him growing and changing, and I had an absolutely wonderful day with him, and I am really seeing a posibility now of a future with him because of these changes, and it makes me so happy. And on the other hand, I feel so much guilt and worry for SP because I also love him so much and my relationship with him means so incredibly much to me, and I am tortured right now because I hurt him. I know he'll be okay, and I know we'll be okay, but he's much more sensitive and emotional than he usually lets people see, and he also sometimes falls into depressive moods and loses hope, and I worry about him and I know that I'm one of the parts of his life that gives him excitement and hope and makes him feel alive, and I love that and love that I can help him like that. It just makes it so hard now. And I know he sees the big picture as do I, but we also both can't help but feel so much, too.
So loving two men is getting harder but I'm not going to stop loving either of them. My relationship with both of them will change as we grow, but I'll still love them. In different ways, of course, but still love them. I don't have other answers right now because of course my heart is involved so it's much harder to be objective and do the "smart thing".
And in other news, when I took a clean towel out of my cabinet for my shower today, there was a small live wormy thing right on the top of the towel - and I am thanking God that I use white towels now and not dark ones. I pushed the little thing into a ziplock bag so I could save it and find out what kind of wormy thing it is - it has some little hairs sticking out of the back of it and losts of little legs so now I'm thinking it's a baby centipede, which is very bothersome because then there are probably other babies in my cabinet as well and they'll grow to big centipedes which are gross! But the problem now is that I'm liking this little baby centipede. It's pretty cute and when it's in the sunlight it's kind of an irridescent copper color. I put a piece of spinach in the ziplock bag for it and keep opening and closing the ziplock bag so it has enough oxygen. Of course, I'm not going to keep it for a pet, but I don't want to be responsible for making it die a slow death of suffocation either - I would feel so awful then. I think I'll try to take some pictures of it and then I'll let it out in the grass out front. It's a living creature, after all, and it's not its fault that its mother gave birth to it in my apartment where she wasn't supposed to be in the first place!
Okay, that's all. My eyes are sore and warm from crying, but the sun has come out outside and I see blue sky and it's giving me a little tiny bit of hope - and I know I'll talk to SP tomorrow if he doesn't call today, and that's making me happy because I just really want to talk to him and hear his voice and try to make him happy. I'm going to stop talking about it now because it's making me want to cry again - but I like the blue sky outside anyway.
