Crying over Charlie Gibson and Eating/Weight Issues
I've been in a weird mood today - sometimes close to tears, sometimes feeling so hopeless, sometimes giddy, sometimes uncomfortable. And yes, I have my period so I know it's largely due to hormones.
This morning I had cramps so was moving pretty slowly, and I was watching Good Morning America as usual. It was Charlie Gibson's last day on the show as he'll now be the evening news guy. I just started watching GMA a few months ago because the TV in my room at my old place had a bad cable line attached to it and couldn't get the Today Show, and I like watching my morning shows. At first I didn't like GMA because it seemed somewhat more subdued, but I got to really like the two hosts - Diane Sawyer and Charlie Gibson. Yes, I know this sounds all too silly to even be talking about! But I really did like them! And especially Charlie Gibson! He's so cute somehow in this want-to-hug-him-and-make-him-laugh kind of way, and he really is so cute when he laughs. I think I like him because he reminds me of my dad, or a dad, or just a completely fabulous and real guy.
So this morning at the end of the show, Charlie stood with everyone surrounding him and said such nice things about all the people he's worked with, and acknowledged all the behind-the-scenes people, and also the audience. It was really a perfect little final speech. And then at the very end, his voice broke when he said "good morning, America" for the last time - and I burst into tears. It was so sweet, and so sad, and I had so many confusing and troubling emotions in me all at once. It was a little overwhelming for a bit. And of course it wasn't all over Charlie Gibson leaving, but that opened up the mini-floodgates.
In other news, my dad wanted my mom to talk to me, to make sure I'm okay. He's worried about me because he thinks I'm getting too skinny and he said that he thought my face didn't look healthy. I asked my mom if she thought I look unhealthy and she thinks I look just perfect now but shouldn't lose anymore weight. The whole weekend when I was home, my mom kept telling me that I looked so good, and I'm "so skinny now" - I have to admit that I loved it, especially because I have often felt worse about myself when I'm around family than when I'm in Chicago by myself. But since I stopped drinking 7 1/2 months ago, I have lost somewhere around 25 pounds! I can hardly believe it even as I write that. 25 pounds - that's so much! I kind of realize it when I put on a pair of pants that I wore a year ago and can shimmy out of them without any unbuttoning. I still can hardly believe it, though.
But I also know that I don't eat well at all. At all. Meaning that I'm not getting nearly the vitamins, protein and also carbs and fat that I need to be healthy. And I'm realizing that it's even harder than before to eat because I don't have a grocery store next to me. Today I actually had some breakfast which was good - a bowl of raisin bran with the rest of my coffee half-and-half (so tomorrow I'll have to drink my coffee black). Then at around 3:00 in the afternoon I had some pretzels which I borrowed from an officemate. And at 9:30 when I got home, it was raining so I couldn't go to shopping, so I had a little tub of applesauce and some granola. Tomorrow night I absolutely must go grocery shopping after work. Right now my lack of energy and my facial unhealthy-looking-ness I'm sure are because I don't eat enough food and not nearly enough healthy food.
But I also don't want to gain back the weight that I've lost. And I still have fat on my stomach that I'd love to go away. And I also am going to admit here that I get proud of myself when I don't eat anything for lunch or just have a tiny snack for dinner. This is how it started back in 10th grade when I had anorexia. I want to be healthy and full of energy and moving forward. But I also want to be skinny and deep in my brain it equates anorexia with skininess.
So I decided to write about it here so that it's out there and not festering and growing in the back of my mind. I know what I should do - I should start eating more and eating the right foods, and start exercising. I know that having coffee and a cookie from Starbucks for a late lunch doesn't qualify as either "lunch" or as "healthy". It's just a little hard right now because even as I know these things, I still get happy and feel so good when I manage to not eat - and because I was anorexic long ago, I know that the disease is mostly about control. But I'm not having so much control lately because I've been more frequently feeling very weak and/or light-headed until I eat something. And then that makes me worry that I have cancer hidden somewhere in my body which would explain why I've lost so much weight.
I'm just all fucked up still, I guess. But not totally, because the habits and thoughts deeper in my mind are still in an early phase I feel, so I can do something about it. And tomorrow I'll make a grocery list before I go to the store - it's just so hard too because I don't really cook, and my kitchen is smaller and having no dishwasher makes me less want to really cook, and when I go to the store I don't know what to get that I'll make and I get overwhelmed and then all the easy foods I think are really bad for me (as in will make me gain weight) and so I get frustrated and leave without much food at all. So a list is the first thing - well really the first step is to plan out what I'll eat each day, things that are doable and easy enough, healthy, and that won't make me feel like I'm getting fat, or actually make me fat either. Okay, I have the start of a plan so I feel a little better for now.
Whew! I really wasn't planning on addressing that tonight but it just came out. I got to practice taking sports photos tonight for a friend whose son was playing baseball. I took a ton of pictures and downloaded them but I haven't viewed them yet to see just whether I did good or whether I sucked shit. I was hoping that tonight wouldn't be their last game so I could learn from this crop of photos and take more at the next game, but they lost tonight so they're 99% for sure out of the tournament.
Anyway, I'm not going to go into the pictures or anything else with my night because this is too long already and I need to go to bed. Oh - my carpets came and they are just amazing!!! They look so good, and they feel so good, and James and Emma love laying on them, and I love walking on them and looking at them and touching them and kneeling on them and sitting on them, and they seem to also keep the litter and stuff from spreading all over the apartment. Oh they are just gorgeous!!! I did take a couple pictures this morning so I'll check to see if they turned out and if so, I'll put a picture up - if not, I'll take another soon and put that up because I want to share the beauty!!! :) [Okay, it's not the best picture, and I haven't gotten those rug pad things for under the rugs so the edges keep rolling up and I have to put heavy stuff on them to try to get them down, and the runner also has that little crease that keeps sticking up no matter how many times I step on it!]
This morning I had cramps so was moving pretty slowly, and I was watching Good Morning America as usual. It was Charlie Gibson's last day on the show as he'll now be the evening news guy. I just started watching GMA a few months ago because the TV in my room at my old place had a bad cable line attached to it and couldn't get the Today Show, and I like watching my morning shows. At first I didn't like GMA because it seemed somewhat more subdued, but I got to really like the two hosts - Diane Sawyer and Charlie Gibson. Yes, I know this sounds all too silly to even be talking about! But I really did like them! And especially Charlie Gibson! He's so cute somehow in this want-to-hug-him-and-make-him-laugh kind of way, and he really is so cute when he laughs. I think I like him because he reminds me of my dad, or a dad, or just a completely fabulous and real guy.
So this morning at the end of the show, Charlie stood with everyone surrounding him and said such nice things about all the people he's worked with, and acknowledged all the behind-the-scenes people, and also the audience. It was really a perfect little final speech. And then at the very end, his voice broke when he said "good morning, America" for the last time - and I burst into tears. It was so sweet, and so sad, and I had so many confusing and troubling emotions in me all at once. It was a little overwhelming for a bit. And of course it wasn't all over Charlie Gibson leaving, but that opened up the mini-floodgates.In other news, my dad wanted my mom to talk to me, to make sure I'm okay. He's worried about me because he thinks I'm getting too skinny and he said that he thought my face didn't look healthy. I asked my mom if she thought I look unhealthy and she thinks I look just perfect now but shouldn't lose anymore weight. The whole weekend when I was home, my mom kept telling me that I looked so good, and I'm "so skinny now" - I have to admit that I loved it, especially because I have often felt worse about myself when I'm around family than when I'm in Chicago by myself. But since I stopped drinking 7 1/2 months ago, I have lost somewhere around 25 pounds! I can hardly believe it even as I write that. 25 pounds - that's so much! I kind of realize it when I put on a pair of pants that I wore a year ago and can shimmy out of them without any unbuttoning. I still can hardly believe it, though.
But I also know that I don't eat well at all. At all. Meaning that I'm not getting nearly the vitamins, protein and also carbs and fat that I need to be healthy. And I'm realizing that it's even harder than before to eat because I don't have a grocery store next to me. Today I actually had some breakfast which was good - a bowl of raisin bran with the rest of my coffee half-and-half (so tomorrow I'll have to drink my coffee black). Then at around 3:00 in the afternoon I had some pretzels which I borrowed from an officemate. And at 9:30 when I got home, it was raining so I couldn't go to shopping, so I had a little tub of applesauce and some granola. Tomorrow night I absolutely must go grocery shopping after work. Right now my lack of energy and my facial unhealthy-looking-ness I'm sure are because I don't eat enough food and not nearly enough healthy food.
But I also don't want to gain back the weight that I've lost. And I still have fat on my stomach that I'd love to go away. And I also am going to admit here that I get proud of myself when I don't eat anything for lunch or just have a tiny snack for dinner. This is how it started back in 10th grade when I had anorexia. I want to be healthy and full of energy and moving forward. But I also want to be skinny and deep in my brain it equates anorexia with skininess.
So I decided to write about it here so that it's out there and not festering and growing in the back of my mind. I know what I should do - I should start eating more and eating the right foods, and start exercising. I know that having coffee and a cookie from Starbucks for a late lunch doesn't qualify as either "lunch" or as "healthy". It's just a little hard right now because even as I know these things, I still get happy and feel so good when I manage to not eat - and because I was anorexic long ago, I know that the disease is mostly about control. But I'm not having so much control lately because I've been more frequently feeling very weak and/or light-headed until I eat something. And then that makes me worry that I have cancer hidden somewhere in my body which would explain why I've lost so much weight.
I'm just all fucked up still, I guess. But not totally, because the habits and thoughts deeper in my mind are still in an early phase I feel, so I can do something about it. And tomorrow I'll make a grocery list before I go to the store - it's just so hard too because I don't really cook, and my kitchen is smaller and having no dishwasher makes me less want to really cook, and when I go to the store I don't know what to get that I'll make and I get overwhelmed and then all the easy foods I think are really bad for me (as in will make me gain weight) and so I get frustrated and leave without much food at all. So a list is the first thing - well really the first step is to plan out what I'll eat each day, things that are doable and easy enough, healthy, and that won't make me feel like I'm getting fat, or actually make me fat either. Okay, I have the start of a plan so I feel a little better for now.
Whew! I really wasn't planning on addressing that tonight but it just came out. I got to practice taking sports photos tonight for a friend whose son was playing baseball. I took a ton of pictures and downloaded them but I haven't viewed them yet to see just whether I did good or whether I sucked shit. I was hoping that tonight wouldn't be their last game so I could learn from this crop of photos and take more at the next game, but they lost tonight so they're 99% for sure out of the tournament.
Anyway, I'm not going to go into the pictures or anything else with my night because this is too long already and I need to go to bed. Oh - my carpets came and they are just amazing!!! They look so good, and they feel so good, and James and Emma love laying on them, and I love walking on them and looking at them and touching them and kneeling on them and sitting on them, and they seem to also keep the litter and stuff from spreading all over the apartment. Oh they are just gorgeous!!! I did take a couple pictures this morning so I'll check to see if they turned out and if so, I'll put a picture up - if not, I'll take another soon and put that up because I want to share the beauty!!! :) [Okay, it's not the best picture, and I haven't gotten those rug pad things for under the rugs so the edges keep rolling up and I have to put heavy stuff on them to try to get them down, and the runner also has that little crease that keeps sticking up no matter how many times I step on it!]
