Communication with my mom, and so so so much self-frustration
It's close to 11:30 p.m. and I just finished writing my mother THE LONGEST EMAIL EVER. I think I'm all typed out. She sent me an angry email this morning and apologized "for making me mad" this weekend. Then she said that she had been angry with me for a few different reasons and it had all been building up in her but she never said anything to me, so she laid out all the reasons she was angry with me in the email. It was insulting in more ways than one, but one of the reasons was completely valid and I acknowledged that just now in my response.
A couple hours after I got the first email, she sent me another email saying that I'd probably had time to read the last email, "get mad, and delete it." And she said now that she had told me all the bad things about me, she would tell me all the good things, and she made a list of good things about me. That did soften my feelings a little. And then when I got home tonight, she had sent another email asking me to forgive her for anything she'd written that had hurt me, and then she talked a little normally and ended with "I want you to know I love you, and I'll always love you, no matter what." I addressed the "no matter what" in my response, because I don't like the sound of it at all.
So anyway, I finally wrote her back and I first laid out the three things that bothered me about her comments and attack on Saturday. I wasn't mean or very angry, but I laid it all out. And then I addressed her first email and I agreed with her anger with regard to the one reason, and then I took very large issue with another reason. I also discussed the benefits of apologies, and oh I wrote more too - oh yes, about the "no matter what" comment. It was a very long email and took me a little over an hour to write. But I feel good - both that she's now finally over her real anger and also that she's acknowledging the possibility that her anger was maybe a little excessive. And I also feel good that I've now written out all my feelings, and in a very logical and calm way - and because she isn't angry anymore and because she's feeling a little bad now, she'll read my email and actually think about it instead of dismissing it outright.
Other than that, I'm on a mission - I've been so on and off angry with myself over the past couple weeks. I'm so angry at my laziness, at my seeming inability to start things, continue things, or finish things. I'm so angry that I can never seem to have the simplest things in order - to have my apartment clean, to have my dishes done, to give myself a pedicure when I know I need one. And I'm so angry that I have so many interests and so many things I want to do, but that I completely lack any discipline to actually work on any of them (learning guitar, learning a foreign language, learning Adobe Photoshop, reading so many hundreds of books). And I'm also so angry with my completely awful record of staying in touch with friends - I never call people ever, I rarely email people, I forget to respond to emails and I forget to call people back - or I keep saying I'll do it later and never do. And I'm so angry that I eat like complete shit, that I eat bad things and don't eat things that will actually be good for me and extend my life and improve my health. And I'm so angry that I'm behind in reading and commenting on the blogs I love, and that I haven't even gotten to my Gratitude Tuesday and it's Thursday night. And I'm so angry that I can never ever seem to go to bed before midnight, and more often even before 1 a.m., and I'm also so angry that because of that and because of my lack of discipline in the morning, I am consistently so late to work, and even when I really really try to be earlier (which is every day now), I still end up so late. And I'm so angry that I've lived in my place for over THREE MONTHS now and I still haven't painted my bedroom, bathroom or little part of the hallway, even though I've had the bathroom taped for painting for a month and a half, and I've had all the paint for above-mentioned rooms for over a month now. And I'm angry that I've had three pair of dress pants for probably eight months now and never taken them to a drycleaner to be hemmed, so their hems are still held up by very classy safety pins and are still too long. And I'm angry that I'm so inconsistent with taking my prescription pills and get withdrawal symptoms so often as a result. And I'm so angry that I never start seriously looking for another job even though I feel like a loser for being where I am for so long - but I love it there, too. I'm so incredibly angry that I never finish the few things I need to actually write for work. And I'm so angry that getting ANYTHING done, or even STARTING anything, is such a fucking struggle for me! I know I'm missing some things here, but there are so so so many things that I can never remember them all at once.
Well so anyway, I'm so tired of being this way, of being so lazy and always having great ideas and all these things that I WANT to do and WANT to learn and WANT to experience, and I'm tired of it being a CONSTANT struggle for me just to do the very basic things like cleaning, cooking, food shopping, eating healthy, doing laundry, and all the other millions of little things that most people just DO. I know I'm not alone - I know that, and it does help a little, knowing that I'm not the only person who struggles with discipline in so many ways. But I don't want to be this way, I don't want every little thing to be such a struggle for me, and I want to have some sense of control, and I want to actually DO things instead of just think about them. I can't really adequately explain how frustrated and angry I am with myself and these flaws of mine, and my complete lack of control over, it seems, absolutely anything, even myself.
So, I'm starting to make my lists again, and I'm getting excited by crossing things out, and I'm feeling good about getting the following things done over the last two days: making a hair appointment, making a vet appointment, ordering and picking up refills on my prescriptions, getting calcium chews and new vitamins and other things from Walgreens, getting my eyeshadow from Marshall Fields that has been essentially gone for the past two weeks, emailing my mom tonight, doing laundry tonight, getting a Mystic Tan last night, getting a huge and wonderful book called The Ultimate Spanish Review and Practice (I've made up my mind for good - I'm going to relearn Spanish and it'll be my second language - it's practical, there are plenty of people to practice with, and I know it'll come back pretty quickly from high school), going to a few of the cheap stores tonight and looking for clothes (I only bought a pair of jeans - all the fall clothes this season SUCK - seriously, skinny pants look terrible on anyone who isn't a stick, and all the long sweaters and belts look like terrible 80's clothes, the necklines are mostly awful and unflattering - I don't know what I'm going to do for anything at all new!).
I know this doesn't all sound like much, but usually I think of things I have to do, don't do them during the day or during lunch, don't leave work early as planned to do them, and end up going straight home and sitting on the couch for the whole night cruising the internet and watching TV. I have an ongoing and constantly updated list stuck to my little planner now. And I'm going to every night DO something that I want and/or need to do.
Here are things that I want to do:
- start doing a little of the Spanish book every other night or so (or ideally, work on it a little every night)
- take out the guitar and start relearning it again - baby steps, just 15 minutes/day right now
- start learning how to use to Adobe Photoshop
- I'm starting to think about getting a Mac laptop, both as a backup computer for my lemon computer and because I've been reading up on Macs and they are sounding so fun and amazing to me - and I could use the lemon to do any downloading and things like that - well anyway, I want to look more into that
- I want to start learning about designing templates so I can do my own one of these days
- figure out and write out some sort of eating plan for myself, and then make a list of groceries and go regularly to the grocery store and stick with my healthy eating plan
- start exercising again
- finish painting my apartment
- respond to emails right when I get them
- completely clean my apartment once a week and straighten it every other day
- stop waiting until every dish and utensil is dirty before I do the dishes
- start going to bed by 11:30 every night and being at work before 9:30 every morning
- do more research into social work as a potential career change
- pick up all my partially written things for work and actually FINISH them
- read more in the evenings instead of watching stupid and pointless television shows that I don't even really like
That's a good list for now. I'll probably remember other things and add them on when I think of them. I feel a little more in control now that I've laid this all out. It's not complete, of course, and I still have my list here of more immediate things. I need to have a constant list so I don't forget things, and to help me organize things. So I'm also going to work on having a constant list, or probably two - and scheduling things to be done on certain days, and at certain times.
I'm on a mission now! And hopefully it will help relieve me of some of my frustration and anger and perceived helplessness and lack of control over anything. I just wonder if it'll ever get easier for me, this DOING things, and starting, continuing and finishing things, and having basic things organized - because I know the opposite is in my genes. I feel positive at this moment now though, just from writing out my frustrations and writing out a plan. This morning I was almost crying, and I was almost manic inside at times during the day and then depressed at others, but at least now I'm feeling good!!!
And now, I have to put away half of my laundry and hope that the other half will be dry soon (one of the dryers stopped working even though I put my dollar in quarters in, so I have two loads of laundry in one dryer right now)! I'm not accomplishing my goal of going to bed by 11:30 tonight - it's after 12:30 a.m. now (I took a break to get my laundry and go through it and fold and all that crap). Tomorrow's Friday though! And this weekend I'll be so so so productive! And I'm also meeting a guy tomorrow night! :)
A couple hours after I got the first email, she sent me another email saying that I'd probably had time to read the last email, "get mad, and delete it." And she said now that she had told me all the bad things about me, she would tell me all the good things, and she made a list of good things about me. That did soften my feelings a little. And then when I got home tonight, she had sent another email asking me to forgive her for anything she'd written that had hurt me, and then she talked a little normally and ended with "I want you to know I love you, and I'll always love you, no matter what." I addressed the "no matter what" in my response, because I don't like the sound of it at all.
So anyway, I finally wrote her back and I first laid out the three things that bothered me about her comments and attack on Saturday. I wasn't mean or very angry, but I laid it all out. And then I addressed her first email and I agreed with her anger with regard to the one reason, and then I took very large issue with another reason. I also discussed the benefits of apologies, and oh I wrote more too - oh yes, about the "no matter what" comment. It was a very long email and took me a little over an hour to write. But I feel good - both that she's now finally over her real anger and also that she's acknowledging the possibility that her anger was maybe a little excessive. And I also feel good that I've now written out all my feelings, and in a very logical and calm way - and because she isn't angry anymore and because she's feeling a little bad now, she'll read my email and actually think about it instead of dismissing it outright.
Other than that, I'm on a mission - I've been so on and off angry with myself over the past couple weeks. I'm so angry at my laziness, at my seeming inability to start things, continue things, or finish things. I'm so angry that I can never seem to have the simplest things in order - to have my apartment clean, to have my dishes done, to give myself a pedicure when I know I need one. And I'm so angry that I have so many interests and so many things I want to do, but that I completely lack any discipline to actually work on any of them (learning guitar, learning a foreign language, learning Adobe Photoshop, reading so many hundreds of books). And I'm also so angry with my completely awful record of staying in touch with friends - I never call people ever, I rarely email people, I forget to respond to emails and I forget to call people back - or I keep saying I'll do it later and never do. And I'm so angry that I eat like complete shit, that I eat bad things and don't eat things that will actually be good for me and extend my life and improve my health. And I'm so angry that I'm behind in reading and commenting on the blogs I love, and that I haven't even gotten to my Gratitude Tuesday and it's Thursday night. And I'm so angry that I can never ever seem to go to bed before midnight, and more often even before 1 a.m., and I'm also so angry that because of that and because of my lack of discipline in the morning, I am consistently so late to work, and even when I really really try to be earlier (which is every day now), I still end up so late. And I'm so angry that I've lived in my place for over THREE MONTHS now and I still haven't painted my bedroom, bathroom or little part of the hallway, even though I've had the bathroom taped for painting for a month and a half, and I've had all the paint for above-mentioned rooms for over a month now. And I'm angry that I've had three pair of dress pants for probably eight months now and never taken them to a drycleaner to be hemmed, so their hems are still held up by very classy safety pins and are still too long. And I'm angry that I'm so inconsistent with taking my prescription pills and get withdrawal symptoms so often as a result. And I'm so angry that I never start seriously looking for another job even though I feel like a loser for being where I am for so long - but I love it there, too. I'm so incredibly angry that I never finish the few things I need to actually write for work. And I'm so angry that getting ANYTHING done, or even STARTING anything, is such a fucking struggle for me! I know I'm missing some things here, but there are so so so many things that I can never remember them all at once.
Well so anyway, I'm so tired of being this way, of being so lazy and always having great ideas and all these things that I WANT to do and WANT to learn and WANT to experience, and I'm tired of it being a CONSTANT struggle for me just to do the very basic things like cleaning, cooking, food shopping, eating healthy, doing laundry, and all the other millions of little things that most people just DO. I know I'm not alone - I know that, and it does help a little, knowing that I'm not the only person who struggles with discipline in so many ways. But I don't want to be this way, I don't want every little thing to be such a struggle for me, and I want to have some sense of control, and I want to actually DO things instead of just think about them. I can't really adequately explain how frustrated and angry I am with myself and these flaws of mine, and my complete lack of control over, it seems, absolutely anything, even myself.
So, I'm starting to make my lists again, and I'm getting excited by crossing things out, and I'm feeling good about getting the following things done over the last two days: making a hair appointment, making a vet appointment, ordering and picking up refills on my prescriptions, getting calcium chews and new vitamins and other things from Walgreens, getting my eyeshadow from Marshall Fields that has been essentially gone for the past two weeks, emailing my mom tonight, doing laundry tonight, getting a Mystic Tan last night, getting a huge and wonderful book called The Ultimate Spanish Review and Practice (I've made up my mind for good - I'm going to relearn Spanish and it'll be my second language - it's practical, there are plenty of people to practice with, and I know it'll come back pretty quickly from high school), going to a few of the cheap stores tonight and looking for clothes (I only bought a pair of jeans - all the fall clothes this season SUCK - seriously, skinny pants look terrible on anyone who isn't a stick, and all the long sweaters and belts look like terrible 80's clothes, the necklines are mostly awful and unflattering - I don't know what I'm going to do for anything at all new!).
I know this doesn't all sound like much, but usually I think of things I have to do, don't do them during the day or during lunch, don't leave work early as planned to do them, and end up going straight home and sitting on the couch for the whole night cruising the internet and watching TV. I have an ongoing and constantly updated list stuck to my little planner now. And I'm going to every night DO something that I want and/or need to do.
Here are things that I want to do:
- start doing a little of the Spanish book every other night or so (or ideally, work on it a little every night)
- take out the guitar and start relearning it again - baby steps, just 15 minutes/day right now
- start learning how to use to Adobe Photoshop
- I'm starting to think about getting a Mac laptop, both as a backup computer for my lemon computer and because I've been reading up on Macs and they are sounding so fun and amazing to me - and I could use the lemon to do any downloading and things like that - well anyway, I want to look more into that
- I want to start learning about designing templates so I can do my own one of these days
- figure out and write out some sort of eating plan for myself, and then make a list of groceries and go regularly to the grocery store and stick with my healthy eating plan
- start exercising again
- finish painting my apartment
- respond to emails right when I get them
- completely clean my apartment once a week and straighten it every other day
- stop waiting until every dish and utensil is dirty before I do the dishes
- start going to bed by 11:30 every night and being at work before 9:30 every morning
- do more research into social work as a potential career change
- pick up all my partially written things for work and actually FINISH them
- read more in the evenings instead of watching stupid and pointless television shows that I don't even really like
That's a good list for now. I'll probably remember other things and add them on when I think of them. I feel a little more in control now that I've laid this all out. It's not complete, of course, and I still have my list here of more immediate things. I need to have a constant list so I don't forget things, and to help me organize things. So I'm also going to work on having a constant list, or probably two - and scheduling things to be done on certain days, and at certain times.
I'm on a mission now! And hopefully it will help relieve me of some of my frustration and anger and perceived helplessness and lack of control over anything. I just wonder if it'll ever get easier for me, this DOING things, and starting, continuing and finishing things, and having basic things organized - because I know the opposite is in my genes. I feel positive at this moment now though, just from writing out my frustrations and writing out a plan. This morning I was almost crying, and I was almost manic inside at times during the day and then depressed at others, but at least now I'm feeling good!!!
And now, I have to put away half of my laundry and hope that the other half will be dry soon (one of the dryers stopped working even though I put my dollar in quarters in, so I have two loads of laundry in one dryer right now)! I'm not accomplishing my goal of going to bed by 11:30 tonight - it's after 12:30 a.m. now (I took a break to get my laundry and go through it and fold and all that crap). Tomorrow's Friday though! And this weekend I'll be so so so productive! And I'm also meeting a guy tomorrow night! :)
