Some of my crazy overanalyzed thoughts and (yay!) Late Gratitude Tuesday!!!
Shit, I started writing this awhile ago and then got distracted, and now it's 11:20 and I'm supposed to be in bed by 11:30 so I have to finish this quickly. I'm in a kind of funk for some reason right now - not a sad funk or anything, just a kind of thoughtful funk but the kind where I can't really get all my thoughts organized so well. And I'm somehow struggling in some way that I can't really put my finger on - I think I'm trying to figure out about twenty different things, I'm trying to be good and go to bed by 11:30 (I'm doing good at this so far this week since starting this resolution), I'm trying to turn the TV off after one of my shows is finished (I'm doing good at this, too, so far, and I also downgraded my cable subscription or whatever you call it yesterday), I'm trying to be a good friend (last night I talked for two hours to my friend who last week went through so much and when we got off it was time for me to go to bed), and I'm frustrated because I really value my little online relationships with some of my blog friends out there and because all the stuff going on with my friend last week and then being at my parents over the weekend and then trying to get myself on a good schedule this week, I feel really alienated from that part of my life because I haven't had time to sit and read and catch up on those blogs and comment like I usually do. I think that's actually part of the reason why I feel so unsettled right now. And I'm also kind of searching for something right now - I just ordered a number of little fable-like books from Amazon tonight because none of them were in stock at Borders when I checked there today. And I also feel a little unsettled because I want everyone in my life to be relatively happy and 1) my friend is doing much better and I'm so proud of him entering a whole new stage of his mourning this relationship but I know it still isn't easy, and 2) one of my closest friends seems to be going through another slightly rough patch and seems sometimes borderline depressed and/or just really frustrated and unsatisfied, and it's so hard for me to see that with him and I just want to do anything to help make it better for him.
Okay, so those are a few of the things on my mind, and there are a bunch more that I can feel there in my head but can't completely put my finger on yet. And I'm just frustrated right now because of it all. Also, Grey's Anatomy was on tonight and that show just always affects me in some way for even quite awhile after it ends. Tonight when it finished I turned to start writing this but I couldn't find the right words for anything and just nothing could come out or make me feel okay, so I just wrote down a few things in a sort of disjointed and half-assed poem form that maybe might explain a little something, or maybe just express the "ehhhhhn" going on in my head right now:
Too many things and
I can't get them out
So frustrating
So many things I don't know
So many things I feel
So many things I want to learn
I start and don't continue or finish
I think but don't do
I spin in circles and change too slowly
I dabble too much without committing and trying and maybe failing
The snow fell and there was just me
No one to show
No one to share it with
A quote I read today talked about laughing
How often children laugh and
Infrequently we so-called adults do
I want to be more like that child
To live simple and free and spin with arms outstretched
To love and feel and try and laugh and learn
To feel the joy and cry the tears
To react without fear
And I want to remember what is real
What is important
But sometimes I don't know
And it's so frustrating
I've wanted to start doing Gratitude Tuesday again since I last did it, but something always got in the way. So tonight I said fuck it, I'm going to start again now instead of promising to start for next Tuesday. So today, I continue with all the things I'm grateful for that begin with the letter K:
Gratitude Tuesday, the K's
Kisses and Kissing - I'm so grateful for kissing and for those humans who way back when discovered the joy of kissing and passed it on, passed on the closeness and intimacy of having your face so close to another's face and your lips touching. I'm grateful for good passionate kissing that feels so amazing (as opposed to snake-like darting tongues, fishy loose tongues and/or lips, or slobber dripping down my face). But I think even more than deep kissing, I like little kisses - little semi-playful, semi-passionate kisses that capture a lower lip lightly, little touches of lips with eyes open and looking at each other, little kisses on the forehead, little kisses on the hand, little kisses on the bellybutton, little kisses that really mean love as opposed to just passion. And I love giving little kisses to express all that's inside me - just ask my little kittens, I'm constantly kissing them all over when I hold them - somehow kissing them and having my face pressed close to them makes all the love in my heart feel closer to bursting out.
Kindness - I'm so grateful for kindness, for the kindness that I'm capable of, for the kindness of my family and friends and acquaintances, for the kindness of strangers, and for random acts of kindness that I'm lucky enough to witness and which put such a feeling of warmth in my heart and make me feel a kinship with all other humans for a brief time. I love the sound of "random acts of kindness" - how wonderful is that! :) I know I miss chances to show kindness to strangers sometimes, out of fear of what others might think or a feeling of uncomfortability, or because I'm sometimes jaded and distrustful - but I want to stop thinking of myself and instead just think of others more. I'm thinking right now, and I think one of the best feelings in the world is being kind to someone and knowing that it touched that person - it lights up the rest of my day.
Kittens - I'm so grateful for kittens, because the minute I see a picture of a kitten I'm instantly lifted and feel such a squealing little joy at the pure cuteness! And when I see kittens on TV or a movie or such, and see their cute little wobbly walks and their little crying mews and their little stubby tails and legs and allover teensiness, oh it's just too adorable and so wonderfully and fabulously cute!!!! And makes me so gleeful!!! And of course I love my own little kittenbabies so incredibly much - and even though they're three years old so not technically kittens anymore, I just love the word "kitten" because it elicits such happiness when I hear it, so my babies only know of themselves as being kittens! (And I'm grateful to the idea of kittens right now because being able to use a bunch of exclamation points makes me feel so joyful, too!!!!!)
Keepsakes - I'm very grateful for keepsakes of all kinds. I know that keepsakes are just reminders of special people, special times or special memories, but I just love that these little things can have such special meanings attached to and associated with them.
Kidneys - I'm so grateful for my kidneys and the fact that they work properly. I have often heard of the huge number of people whose kidneys have failed them for one reason or another and who are waiting for transplants, but I never knew much about what dialysis was or any of what someone goes through. However, I've started to learn a little more from the most beautiful and amazing girl on the other side of the world from me, and while she is so so so so so so much more than just the disease of her kidneys, I'm so grateful to her for opening my eyes a little more to how important all our different organs are.
Knees - I'm so grateful for my knees, and so grateful that they work properly as well. I've known so many people who have, at some time in their lives, had serious to semi-serious problems with their knees. And very recently, two people who I adore have had problems and I've seen how much hurt knees can affect someone's daily life. I hope mine stay healthy for a very very very long time.
Knowledge - I love and am so grateful for knowledge - well really, it's the learning that I love probably more than the knowing just to know, but I also love knowing about so many things and always learning more - it helps me grow, helps me be that much more interesting, makes me more confident, more happy, and interested in always learning more. And really, isn't it amazing how much we can learn and retain!? Theres's almost no limit! What a kickass thought! :)
Kitchens - I'm so grateful for kitchens and all the wonderful appliances in them. Of course, I don't use my kitchen much right now, but I sometimes dream of a few years down the road when I'll have a family, and I want my kitchen to be warm and welcoming and a wonderful gathering place. When I think like this I always think of families in Italy for some reason, and how, at least in my mind, the kitchen is the heart of the house. And then I think about how I want my kitchen to be decorated with a bit of an Italian/Southern French/Mediterranean feel to it because I love that style. And then my thoughts always drift to how grateful I am that I don't have to go to a little market and buy a whole dead chicken and de-feather it myself, because I don't think I could stand to do that (I know this doesn't happen every day in Italy, of course, but in my romantic view of cute little rustic Tuscan towns that's how it all works). So, whenever I start thinking of kitchens, now you know the basic track that my mind takes!
Knives - it's not as if I love knives or have a fascination with them or even know how to use them well (although I do have a very dull dagger that I got on a family vacation to Wyoming which I keep on my nightstand just in case some intruder comes in, but yes I've thought about what I would actually do if that happened and I couldn't get too close to him because he'd overpower me like the bad guys do to girls in all the movies, so I'd want to throw the knife but of course I don't know how, so no, the dagger really wouldn't be much help if I actually had an intruder - but I still like it because it looks so pretty with it's decorative embedded wooden handle, and it also looks kind of badass in it's cool little sheath!). But anyway, I'm still grateful for knives because they come in very handy with cutting things and make life much easier in many little ways that I'm sure I don't even realize.
Keys - I've very grateful for the security of locks and for the wonderful little invention of keys! They help in my feeling fine about leaving my place in the morning and knowing that my little babies will be safe inside when I get back home at night.
King Charles Spaniels - I just adore these dogs!!! They are so so so so so so cute!!! This breed is in the top few that I think about getting when I'm ready to get a dog!
Knitting - I'm grateful for knitting even though I haven't done any since last winter just after Christmas - which reminds me that I have to cast off from my brother's scarf which I knit him for Christmas last year but didn't finish until after Christmas (I'll send it to him as soon as I can find someone to cast it off for me since I absolutely cannot ever figure it out), and I need to finish the scarf I was supposed to knit my dad for Christmas last year and send it to him (I'm such a fucking procrastinator and honestly I completely forgot about this until it just got cold the other day). But anyway, I have fun doing the simplest form of knitting and just making very simple scarves, because it's fun and I love seeing it get longer and longer and know that I made it!
Knickers - I just love this word, it's so British and makes me smile!!! :)
Okay, that feels a little better now! I love feeling grateful, it's the most wonderful feeling!!!!!!!
Okay, so those are a few of the things on my mind, and there are a bunch more that I can feel there in my head but can't completely put my finger on yet. And I'm just frustrated right now because of it all. Also, Grey's Anatomy was on tonight and that show just always affects me in some way for even quite awhile after it ends. Tonight when it finished I turned to start writing this but I couldn't find the right words for anything and just nothing could come out or make me feel okay, so I just wrote down a few things in a sort of disjointed and half-assed poem form that maybe might explain a little something, or maybe just express the "ehhhhhn" going on in my head right now:
Too many things and
I can't get them out
So frustrating
So many things I don't know
So many things I feel
So many things I want to learn
I start and don't continue or finish
I think but don't do
I spin in circles and change too slowly
I dabble too much without committing and trying and maybe failing
The snow fell and there was just me
No one to show
No one to share it with
A quote I read today talked about laughing
How often children laugh and
Infrequently we so-called adults do
I want to be more like that child
To live simple and free and spin with arms outstretched
To love and feel and try and laugh and learn
To feel the joy and cry the tears
To react without fear
And I want to remember what is real
What is important
But sometimes I don't know
And it's so frustrating
I've wanted to start doing Gratitude Tuesday again since I last did it, but something always got in the way. So tonight I said fuck it, I'm going to start again now instead of promising to start for next Tuesday. So today, I continue with all the things I'm grateful for that begin with the letter K:
Gratitude Tuesday, the K's
Kisses and Kissing - I'm so grateful for kissing and for those humans who way back when discovered the joy of kissing and passed it on, passed on the closeness and intimacy of having your face so close to another's face and your lips touching. I'm grateful for good passionate kissing that feels so amazing (as opposed to snake-like darting tongues, fishy loose tongues and/or lips, or slobber dripping down my face). But I think even more than deep kissing, I like little kisses - little semi-playful, semi-passionate kisses that capture a lower lip lightly, little touches of lips with eyes open and looking at each other, little kisses on the forehead, little kisses on the hand, little kisses on the bellybutton, little kisses that really mean love as opposed to just passion. And I love giving little kisses to express all that's inside me - just ask my little kittens, I'm constantly kissing them all over when I hold them - somehow kissing them and having my face pressed close to them makes all the love in my heart feel closer to bursting out.
Kindness - I'm so grateful for kindness, for the kindness that I'm capable of, for the kindness of my family and friends and acquaintances, for the kindness of strangers, and for random acts of kindness that I'm lucky enough to witness and which put such a feeling of warmth in my heart and make me feel a kinship with all other humans for a brief time. I love the sound of "random acts of kindness" - how wonderful is that! :) I know I miss chances to show kindness to strangers sometimes, out of fear of what others might think or a feeling of uncomfortability, or because I'm sometimes jaded and distrustful - but I want to stop thinking of myself and instead just think of others more. I'm thinking right now, and I think one of the best feelings in the world is being kind to someone and knowing that it touched that person - it lights up the rest of my day.
Kittens - I'm so grateful for kittens, because the minute I see a picture of a kitten I'm instantly lifted and feel such a squealing little joy at the pure cuteness! And when I see kittens on TV or a movie or such, and see their cute little wobbly walks and their little crying mews and their little stubby tails and legs and allover teensiness, oh it's just too adorable and so wonderfully and fabulously cute!!!! And makes me so gleeful!!! And of course I love my own little kittenbabies so incredibly much - and even though they're three years old so not technically kittens anymore, I just love the word "kitten" because it elicits such happiness when I hear it, so my babies only know of themselves as being kittens! (And I'm grateful to the idea of kittens right now because being able to use a bunch of exclamation points makes me feel so joyful, too!!!!!)
Keepsakes - I'm very grateful for keepsakes of all kinds. I know that keepsakes are just reminders of special people, special times or special memories, but I just love that these little things can have such special meanings attached to and associated with them.
Kidneys - I'm so grateful for my kidneys and the fact that they work properly. I have often heard of the huge number of people whose kidneys have failed them for one reason or another and who are waiting for transplants, but I never knew much about what dialysis was or any of what someone goes through. However, I've started to learn a little more from the most beautiful and amazing girl on the other side of the world from me, and while she is so so so so so so much more than just the disease of her kidneys, I'm so grateful to her for opening my eyes a little more to how important all our different organs are.
Knees - I'm so grateful for my knees, and so grateful that they work properly as well. I've known so many people who have, at some time in their lives, had serious to semi-serious problems with their knees. And very recently, two people who I adore have had problems and I've seen how much hurt knees can affect someone's daily life. I hope mine stay healthy for a very very very long time.
Knowledge - I love and am so grateful for knowledge - well really, it's the learning that I love probably more than the knowing just to know, but I also love knowing about so many things and always learning more - it helps me grow, helps me be that much more interesting, makes me more confident, more happy, and interested in always learning more. And really, isn't it amazing how much we can learn and retain!? Theres's almost no limit! What a kickass thought! :)
Kitchens - I'm so grateful for kitchens and all the wonderful appliances in them. Of course, I don't use my kitchen much right now, but I sometimes dream of a few years down the road when I'll have a family, and I want my kitchen to be warm and welcoming and a wonderful gathering place. When I think like this I always think of families in Italy for some reason, and how, at least in my mind, the kitchen is the heart of the house. And then I think about how I want my kitchen to be decorated with a bit of an Italian/Southern French/Mediterranean feel to it because I love that style. And then my thoughts always drift to how grateful I am that I don't have to go to a little market and buy a whole dead chicken and de-feather it myself, because I don't think I could stand to do that (I know this doesn't happen every day in Italy, of course, but in my romantic view of cute little rustic Tuscan towns that's how it all works). So, whenever I start thinking of kitchens, now you know the basic track that my mind takes!
Knives - it's not as if I love knives or have a fascination with them or even know how to use them well (although I do have a very dull dagger that I got on a family vacation to Wyoming which I keep on my nightstand just in case some intruder comes in, but yes I've thought about what I would actually do if that happened and I couldn't get too close to him because he'd overpower me like the bad guys do to girls in all the movies, so I'd want to throw the knife but of course I don't know how, so no, the dagger really wouldn't be much help if I actually had an intruder - but I still like it because it looks so pretty with it's decorative embedded wooden handle, and it also looks kind of badass in it's cool little sheath!). But anyway, I'm still grateful for knives because they come in very handy with cutting things and make life much easier in many little ways that I'm sure I don't even realize.
Keys - I've very grateful for the security of locks and for the wonderful little invention of keys! They help in my feeling fine about leaving my place in the morning and knowing that my little babies will be safe inside when I get back home at night.
King Charles Spaniels - I just adore these dogs!!! They are so so so so so so cute!!! This breed is in the top few that I think about getting when I'm ready to get a dog!
Knitting - I'm grateful for knitting even though I haven't done any since last winter just after Christmas - which reminds me that I have to cast off from my brother's scarf which I knit him for Christmas last year but didn't finish until after Christmas (I'll send it to him as soon as I can find someone to cast it off for me since I absolutely cannot ever figure it out), and I need to finish the scarf I was supposed to knit my dad for Christmas last year and send it to him (I'm such a fucking procrastinator and honestly I completely forgot about this until it just got cold the other day). But anyway, I have fun doing the simplest form of knitting and just making very simple scarves, because it's fun and I love seeing it get longer and longer and know that I made it!
Knickers - I just love this word, it's so British and makes me smile!!! :)
Okay, that feels a little better now! I love feeling grateful, it's the most wonderful feeling!!!!!!!
