Sickly me and some random thoughts
I've been sick with some little bug at least today but maybe yesterday, too. I can't say for sure with regard to yesterday (Wednesday), because I slept for the entire day. From 1 a.m. Tuesday night/Wednesday morning until 4:35 p.m. Wednesday afternoon. I talked to my mom in the morning but I can't even remember anything we said because I was just waiting to go back to sleep, and was in a whole other mindframe. And The German knew I was out of it when he called but couldn't wake me up. He called me at about noon and I managed to wake up slightly to talk to him, but fell back asleep before I could call into work. And I next woke up at 4:35 and could easily have kept on sleeping but I made myself get up. And then I felt a little dizzy and completely out of it all evening, and for most of that time I also had a terrible headache that I couldn't get rid of.
Then I went to bed at midnight and got up this morning and got all ready and went to work. When I was walking to the train I felt dizzy and lightheaded, and my legs even felt very weak. But then the worst was when I was on the train - luckily I had a seat but we were standing still for a bit and suddenly the feeling started coming over me and I was sooooooooooo afraid that I was going to throw up. And throwing up alone is one of my most hated things (and I can only remember less than ten times in my life that I've thrown up, I have a stomach of steel especially when you consider that I only threw up one time from alcohol), but throwing up in front of people would have to be one of the most awful things I can possibly imagine! And believe me, I've had fears of it before!
But I didn't, thank God! I kept alternately feeling like I was going to faint or throw up though, and then I'd have okay moments, and then back to those feelings. I got to work and was just out of it. I felt flushed and the second Freckles saw me she knew I wasn't well because she could see it in my eyes. And The Queen said I looked flushed as well. So I took a cab home. But I didn't go to sleep because I had another one of my unreasonable fears: that maybe I had toxic shock and if I went to sleep I wouldn't be able to see the signs and I'd die. Because I kept a tampon in from about 4:30 p.m. on Tuesday until 4:35 p.m. on Wednesday when I woke up, and I was thinking that maybe it was just delayed toxic shock. I know, I have issues with stuff like that.
So instead I was checking through some old emails my mom had sent me and one was a link to the photoblog of a guy who works with my dad. And I really liked the site, which I'd seen before but forgotten about somehow. So I did some more research on it, and then I signed up and spent the afternoon uploading my photos to that site and putting tags on the pictures and organizing the pictures in their galleries. And I was just getting to the point where I was going to start adding in some fun code to see what I could do, but then I started looking at other people's photoblogs on this site to get ideas and suddenly a lot of time disappeared. So I'm putting off further tinkering until tomorrow or this weekend.
I was supposed to go to The German's after work on Wednesday and then when I didn't go to work, we moved it to today but that obviously didn't happen either. It was going to be the first time I'll have seen him since late August sometime. We've talked a little almost every day because he calls me every morning and he also calls me on the weekends, but no physical contact, and I know it needs to stay that way for longer still. Because I just know that when I see him whenever I now do, I'll just want it to be our "normal" thing of cuddling, and he'll want it to be that, too. And he also misses both me and my company and also our sexual contact - he tells me that in his silly way.
But he had all these big prints made for me, so I feel that I should relent and see him for just a little while, just once. But to be honest, when I even think about it I start getting old feelings coming right back to the surface. So the talking is fine but seeing him and the cuddling and kissing and seeing his face is too much. By the way, MWFB told me that The German told him how amazing I am and how strong, to realize that I need to stay away from him and to stick to it - he said other things and they meant a lot to me to hear, just knowing that he recognizes these things about me. It's a good reminder and good validation and all that good stuff!
On my little dating site there are a few potentials. Nothing ridiculously exciting right now but it's hard to get excited from just reading a few little things. Still though, a number of these guys sound interesting, so I'll see. I do feel good about the whole thing, and good about the site and process, and I'm also not anymore expecting some perfect guy on day one. I'm happy though that I'm out there and have the real potential to meet someone again. And beyond that, I think it will happen when it's meant to happen, and I'm perfectly okay with that at the moment.
What else? Not much has happened since I've just been here at home. Oh - well I did have a little rendevous with SP on Tuesday night! It was fun and we also had a really good talk, I think we were both in the same kind of reflective and introspective mood, so we really felt each other.
Oh, and I switched over to yahoo beta two nights ago and have been spending a ridiculous amount of time organizing emails into files now. I never did it before because it seemed like too much work, not having a drop and drag. And I don't actually delete very many emails, so I had about 5500 emails in my inbox. I'm down to about 4800 right now from deleting and moving many to folders. I love it though because I love this "getting organized" feeling! Seriously, I know that I'm spending so much time going through all these old emails, but I love it because I love the feeling of getting organized, and of having all these little folders now to sort the emails into, and of being able to delete a bunch of emails, and all the while I watch that number on the inbox keep going down and it just excites me!! :) And of course, it's nice too to remind myself of some things and sometimes read some old emails!
Okay, time for me to go to bed. I'm feeling about 80% better but my stomach still doesn't feel all normal and it's a little bothered still, and I feel a little headache in my temples, and a little pressure in my sinuses. So I need to sleep. Oh and speaking of sleep, all day today since I came home from work, little James has slept either against my side or on top of me or with my arm around him and his face resting on my arm and his paws holding onto me - I love that so much, he's so sweet and affectionate!!! (And I again have tried putting a wonderful picture of little James on here and even though dumbass blogger says it's uploaded fine, nothing nothing nothing appears and I've tried using the code from other pictures in previous posts but just changing the file number and that doesn't work either. So no picture of James today, poor us!)
Then I went to bed at midnight and got up this morning and got all ready and went to work. When I was walking to the train I felt dizzy and lightheaded, and my legs even felt very weak. But then the worst was when I was on the train - luckily I had a seat but we were standing still for a bit and suddenly the feeling started coming over me and I was sooooooooooo afraid that I was going to throw up. And throwing up alone is one of my most hated things (and I can only remember less than ten times in my life that I've thrown up, I have a stomach of steel especially when you consider that I only threw up one time from alcohol), but throwing up in front of people would have to be one of the most awful things I can possibly imagine! And believe me, I've had fears of it before!
But I didn't, thank God! I kept alternately feeling like I was going to faint or throw up though, and then I'd have okay moments, and then back to those feelings. I got to work and was just out of it. I felt flushed and the second Freckles saw me she knew I wasn't well because she could see it in my eyes. And The Queen said I looked flushed as well. So I took a cab home. But I didn't go to sleep because I had another one of my unreasonable fears: that maybe I had toxic shock and if I went to sleep I wouldn't be able to see the signs and I'd die. Because I kept a tampon in from about 4:30 p.m. on Tuesday until 4:35 p.m. on Wednesday when I woke up, and I was thinking that maybe it was just delayed toxic shock. I know, I have issues with stuff like that.
So instead I was checking through some old emails my mom had sent me and one was a link to the photoblog of a guy who works with my dad. And I really liked the site, which I'd seen before but forgotten about somehow. So I did some more research on it, and then I signed up and spent the afternoon uploading my photos to that site and putting tags on the pictures and organizing the pictures in their galleries. And I was just getting to the point where I was going to start adding in some fun code to see what I could do, but then I started looking at other people's photoblogs on this site to get ideas and suddenly a lot of time disappeared. So I'm putting off further tinkering until tomorrow or this weekend.
I was supposed to go to The German's after work on Wednesday and then when I didn't go to work, we moved it to today but that obviously didn't happen either. It was going to be the first time I'll have seen him since late August sometime. We've talked a little almost every day because he calls me every morning and he also calls me on the weekends, but no physical contact, and I know it needs to stay that way for longer still. Because I just know that when I see him whenever I now do, I'll just want it to be our "normal" thing of cuddling, and he'll want it to be that, too. And he also misses both me and my company and also our sexual contact - he tells me that in his silly way.
But he had all these big prints made for me, so I feel that I should relent and see him for just a little while, just once. But to be honest, when I even think about it I start getting old feelings coming right back to the surface. So the talking is fine but seeing him and the cuddling and kissing and seeing his face is too much. By the way, MWFB told me that The German told him how amazing I am and how strong, to realize that I need to stay away from him and to stick to it - he said other things and they meant a lot to me to hear, just knowing that he recognizes these things about me. It's a good reminder and good validation and all that good stuff!
On my little dating site there are a few potentials. Nothing ridiculously exciting right now but it's hard to get excited from just reading a few little things. Still though, a number of these guys sound interesting, so I'll see. I do feel good about the whole thing, and good about the site and process, and I'm also not anymore expecting some perfect guy on day one. I'm happy though that I'm out there and have the real potential to meet someone again. And beyond that, I think it will happen when it's meant to happen, and I'm perfectly okay with that at the moment.
What else? Not much has happened since I've just been here at home. Oh - well I did have a little rendevous with SP on Tuesday night! It was fun and we also had a really good talk, I think we were both in the same kind of reflective and introspective mood, so we really felt each other.
Oh, and I switched over to yahoo beta two nights ago and have been spending a ridiculous amount of time organizing emails into files now. I never did it before because it seemed like too much work, not having a drop and drag. And I don't actually delete very many emails, so I had about 5500 emails in my inbox. I'm down to about 4800 right now from deleting and moving many to folders. I love it though because I love this "getting organized" feeling! Seriously, I know that I'm spending so much time going through all these old emails, but I love it because I love the feeling of getting organized, and of having all these little folders now to sort the emails into, and of being able to delete a bunch of emails, and all the while I watch that number on the inbox keep going down and it just excites me!! :) And of course, it's nice too to remind myself of some things and sometimes read some old emails!
Okay, time for me to go to bed. I'm feeling about 80% better but my stomach still doesn't feel all normal and it's a little bothered still, and I feel a little headache in my temples, and a little pressure in my sinuses. So I need to sleep. Oh and speaking of sleep, all day today since I came home from work, little James has slept either against my side or on top of me or with my arm around him and his face resting on my arm and his paws holding onto me - I love that so much, he's so sweet and affectionate!!! (And I again have tried putting a wonderful picture of little James on here and even though dumbass blogger says it's uploaded fine, nothing nothing nothing appears and I've tried using the code from other pictures in previous posts but just changing the file number and that doesn't work either. So no picture of James today, poor us!)
