The Best and then the Worst
Today I received the best of news and then later, the worst of news.
The best of news is that my mom is okay. The surgery went well this morning and the tumor was benign. The doctor said everything looked as good as it could possibly look, and I'm so happy about that. And happy for her that she won't have any deforming scars. She goes home tonight, and tomorrow night I take the train there so I'll be with her until early Sunday morning, and my dad can go to work on Thursday and Friday. It's the most wonderful news, and I'm so happy and relieved.
Then 45 minutes ago I got the worst news, and I still can't stop crying. For the past two days I've worked really hard at getting my application for a city job together, and The Meat has helped so much, and I've been so excited about it and how perfect he job is for me. And The Meat has been so excited as well, and we've talked all about it. And this afternoon I walked the application over and dropped it off with the receptionist. And felt so wonderful!
An hour later the hiring lady called me and said she wanted to call me personally because the position was filled over a month ago. I managed to keep the tears out of my voice almost the whole time. She couldn't tell me what other positions are open but she said they're always hiring, and she asked whether I wanted to walk over a different cover letter tomorrow, which I said I would do. And then I couldn't walk back in to see The Meat, and my boss had already left so I locked myself in his office and wept. And I still am, weeping, that is. I should have called to confirm that the job was still open. I should have finished the application back in the middle of the October when I heard it was still open, and maybe they would have interviewed me then. I feel so awful that The Meat did so much to help me and was so excited for me. I am devastated like the love of my life just dumped me.
I'm going to have to pay for a cab to take me home, because I look hideous and have so obviously been weeping. And of course I can't stop crying still, so people on the bus would be wondering what my deal was. But nothing is going to make me feel better right now, I'm in the lowest of places. I finally felt like I was in a place to move forward a little in my life - after all, the last time I had alcohol was November 9, so it's been a whole month. And in that month I've come to work every day, and been a much better worker, and been happier, and I knew that I could actually handle a real job finally. If I'd have gotten this job I would have seen everyone who I work with now on a regular basis, and they are my family and I adore them. It would have been so perfect. And I would have worked with so many other people who I'm familiar with. Now I feel like I'm back to square one and I'm going to be a loser and work at this current job forever (and people never stay even as long as I've already stayed). I'm going to be a serial loser. I'm so sad.
I need to go collect a couple things that I left in The Meat's office and then I want to go home. The Meat knocked on my boss's door while I was in there, I could tell by his knock. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I called him a bit later and it went to voicemail so I know he knocked, looking for me to see if I wanted to walk out with him. When I leave soon I'm going to have to pull my hat extra low over my eyes so everyone I pass doesn't stare at me and wonder what happened.
I'm hoping that by tomorrow my normal positive attitude will kick in and I'll be able to say that it wasn't meant to be and that there's something better out there that I'm destined to get, but I don't think I'll get to that point tomorrow or soon. Instead I'm devastated, and feel like I let everyone down and myself down, and I hate myself and I'm a loser and I'm worried that I'll never be happy again. And also that I'll never be able to stop crying. And I know I should be so happy because my mom is okay and I should see that that's what is really important, but I'm completely unable to think that way right now, although I am of course ecstatic about her being okay. Tomorrow I'll have to tell The Meat about the job being filled, and I'm going to cry when I do, I don't think there's any way to get around it.
I'm sorry for the boohoo session. And I know, poor me, things are infinitely worse for so many people around the world. But I'm selfishly sad right now. Tomorrow at least I won't be weeping, hopefully. And I'll recount my fun weekend for a more fun read.
The best of news is that my mom is okay. The surgery went well this morning and the tumor was benign. The doctor said everything looked as good as it could possibly look, and I'm so happy about that. And happy for her that she won't have any deforming scars. She goes home tonight, and tomorrow night I take the train there so I'll be with her until early Sunday morning, and my dad can go to work on Thursday and Friday. It's the most wonderful news, and I'm so happy and relieved.
Then 45 minutes ago I got the worst news, and I still can't stop crying. For the past two days I've worked really hard at getting my application for a city job together, and The Meat has helped so much, and I've been so excited about it and how perfect he job is for me. And The Meat has been so excited as well, and we've talked all about it. And this afternoon I walked the application over and dropped it off with the receptionist. And felt so wonderful!
An hour later the hiring lady called me and said she wanted to call me personally because the position was filled over a month ago. I managed to keep the tears out of my voice almost the whole time. She couldn't tell me what other positions are open but she said they're always hiring, and she asked whether I wanted to walk over a different cover letter tomorrow, which I said I would do. And then I couldn't walk back in to see The Meat, and my boss had already left so I locked myself in his office and wept. And I still am, weeping, that is. I should have called to confirm that the job was still open. I should have finished the application back in the middle of the October when I heard it was still open, and maybe they would have interviewed me then. I feel so awful that The Meat did so much to help me and was so excited for me. I am devastated like the love of my life just dumped me.
I'm going to have to pay for a cab to take me home, because I look hideous and have so obviously been weeping. And of course I can't stop crying still, so people on the bus would be wondering what my deal was. But nothing is going to make me feel better right now, I'm in the lowest of places. I finally felt like I was in a place to move forward a little in my life - after all, the last time I had alcohol was November 9, so it's been a whole month. And in that month I've come to work every day, and been a much better worker, and been happier, and I knew that I could actually handle a real job finally. If I'd have gotten this job I would have seen everyone who I work with now on a regular basis, and they are my family and I adore them. It would have been so perfect. And I would have worked with so many other people who I'm familiar with. Now I feel like I'm back to square one and I'm going to be a loser and work at this current job forever (and people never stay even as long as I've already stayed). I'm going to be a serial loser. I'm so sad.
I need to go collect a couple things that I left in The Meat's office and then I want to go home. The Meat knocked on my boss's door while I was in there, I could tell by his knock. I couldn't bring myself to answer. I called him a bit later and it went to voicemail so I know he knocked, looking for me to see if I wanted to walk out with him. When I leave soon I'm going to have to pull my hat extra low over my eyes so everyone I pass doesn't stare at me and wonder what happened.
I'm hoping that by tomorrow my normal positive attitude will kick in and I'll be able to say that it wasn't meant to be and that there's something better out there that I'm destined to get, but I don't think I'll get to that point tomorrow or soon. Instead I'm devastated, and feel like I let everyone down and myself down, and I hate myself and I'm a loser and I'm worried that I'll never be happy again. And also that I'll never be able to stop crying. And I know I should be so happy because my mom is okay and I should see that that's what is really important, but I'm completely unable to think that way right now, although I am of course ecstatic about her being okay. Tomorrow I'll have to tell The Meat about the job being filled, and I'm going to cry when I do, I don't think there's any way to get around it.
I'm sorry for the boohoo session. And I know, poor me, things are infinitely worse for so many people around the world. But I'm selfishly sad right now. Tomorrow at least I won't be weeping, hopefully. And I'll recount my fun weekend for a more fun read.
