How helping my mom is helping me as well
I'm at my parents' house now, and much happier!
Yesterday I cried at work, and then was fine, and then cried again when I was leaving. I cried a bit, on and off, on the train, but mostly I just listened to my music and shut my eyes, and even managed to sleep a couple times! I continued feeling sorry for myself until I got home, and then my focus changed immediately to my mom.
On the car ride home my dad was frustrated, he complained about my mom worrying, about too many people calling, about this and that. He doesn't deal well with most things and instead just gets mad, and he's always been that way. When I told him to just relax and try to not let the little things get to him because my mom needs him to not stress her more, he yelled at me a bit. So I told him off. And then told him I'd take care of everything and help her relax and man the phones and he didn't need to worry any longer. We didn't talk again until we got home.
My mom looked okay when I got here, and it was time to clean her incision. I watched so I could do it during the day today. But - my stomach started hurting a little as I watched, and then suddenly I was so lightheaded so I sat down. A minute later my mom told me I didn't look too good, so I went into the other room and laid down. Apparently, I will never be a surgeon! The incision wasn't the problem - it's only about three inches long and sewed quite nicely. The problem is the drainage tube coming out of her neck just behind the incision. It's way too much for me to handle! Luckily, she gets it taken out tomorrow! That's good for her, too, cause it's uncomfortable and also a bit of a pain for her to have to carry around the thing it drains into.
So anyway though, early this morning we talked and she told me her various worries, and I made her see why each one was either not logical, or not something she could control, and I reminded her that she'd only heard good things about the doctor, and that the doctor told my dad after the surgery that everything looked as good as it could possibly look. Apparently, my dad hadn't told her exactly what the doctor had said; he'd only told her the tumor was benign. I also told her that her only job right now, and the only thing she could control, was to heal herself, and to do that she needed to rest, to sleep, to drink fluids, and to not worry - since stress slows the body's natural healing. Since I was completely right, she could only agree with me! :)
So she's been really good all day and been resting and/or sleeping most of the time, and in between I sit with her and talk, and get her her medicine, and make her drink and eat. Yesterday she was really stressed because of my dad, so she hardly slept and didn't drink nearly enough fluids. She's used to doing everything herself, and she honestly thought that she'd be fine and reading a book a day and doing her Christmas cards and getting stuff done. So at least she's now acknowledged that the healing process will take some time, and she's listening to her body.
I'm so glad that I'm home for her! And I actually feel so honored and lucky that I can be here for her and care for her after all the billions of things she's done for me, and how she has cared for me so many times while I was sick.
Also, I just drove a car for the first time in I don't remember how long! When my dad stopped home to clean my mom's wound this afternoon, I made a quick trip to Walgreens to pick up prescriptions of my own - I was and still am having quite the withdrawal from the antidepressants as Tuesday was the last time I took them. It's weird driving again after I haven't for awhile. On the one hand, it's completely natural. But on the other hand, I'm so completely aware of everything I'm doing and being so so so careful. Oh - and I was inspired by a post NetworkChic wrote, and I emptied all the change in my wallet into the Salvation Army container when I left Walgreens! The guy standing out there was so nice and so COLD! But the giving and not walking right past made me feel really wonderful, and I still do!
So anyway, I'm doing much better because I feel good caring for my mom. And I'm not so much feeling sorry for myself anymore, although I've still gotten all teary-eyed a couple times today while writing emails. But my mom is the most important thing, and her happiness and comfort are what is occupying my mind. After all, people are the most important thing. Jobs come and go, money comes and goes, but relationships and love are what really touches us and makes life so fucking amazing.
By the way, "Walk On" by U2 is on right now and is absolutely the most perfect song that I could think of for this moment.
Yesterday I cried at work, and then was fine, and then cried again when I was leaving. I cried a bit, on and off, on the train, but mostly I just listened to my music and shut my eyes, and even managed to sleep a couple times! I continued feeling sorry for myself until I got home, and then my focus changed immediately to my mom.
On the car ride home my dad was frustrated, he complained about my mom worrying, about too many people calling, about this and that. He doesn't deal well with most things and instead just gets mad, and he's always been that way. When I told him to just relax and try to not let the little things get to him because my mom needs him to not stress her more, he yelled at me a bit. So I told him off. And then told him I'd take care of everything and help her relax and man the phones and he didn't need to worry any longer. We didn't talk again until we got home.
My mom looked okay when I got here, and it was time to clean her incision. I watched so I could do it during the day today. But - my stomach started hurting a little as I watched, and then suddenly I was so lightheaded so I sat down. A minute later my mom told me I didn't look too good, so I went into the other room and laid down. Apparently, I will never be a surgeon! The incision wasn't the problem - it's only about three inches long and sewed quite nicely. The problem is the drainage tube coming out of her neck just behind the incision. It's way too much for me to handle! Luckily, she gets it taken out tomorrow! That's good for her, too, cause it's uncomfortable and also a bit of a pain for her to have to carry around the thing it drains into.
So anyway though, early this morning we talked and she told me her various worries, and I made her see why each one was either not logical, or not something she could control, and I reminded her that she'd only heard good things about the doctor, and that the doctor told my dad after the surgery that everything looked as good as it could possibly look. Apparently, my dad hadn't told her exactly what the doctor had said; he'd only told her the tumor was benign. I also told her that her only job right now, and the only thing she could control, was to heal herself, and to do that she needed to rest, to sleep, to drink fluids, and to not worry - since stress slows the body's natural healing. Since I was completely right, she could only agree with me! :)
So she's been really good all day and been resting and/or sleeping most of the time, and in between I sit with her and talk, and get her her medicine, and make her drink and eat. Yesterday she was really stressed because of my dad, so she hardly slept and didn't drink nearly enough fluids. She's used to doing everything herself, and she honestly thought that she'd be fine and reading a book a day and doing her Christmas cards and getting stuff done. So at least she's now acknowledged that the healing process will take some time, and she's listening to her body.
I'm so glad that I'm home for her! And I actually feel so honored and lucky that I can be here for her and care for her after all the billions of things she's done for me, and how she has cared for me so many times while I was sick.
Also, I just drove a car for the first time in I don't remember how long! When my dad stopped home to clean my mom's wound this afternoon, I made a quick trip to Walgreens to pick up prescriptions of my own - I was and still am having quite the withdrawal from the antidepressants as Tuesday was the last time I took them. It's weird driving again after I haven't for awhile. On the one hand, it's completely natural. But on the other hand, I'm so completely aware of everything I'm doing and being so so so careful. Oh - and I was inspired by a post NetworkChic wrote, and I emptied all the change in my wallet into the Salvation Army container when I left Walgreens! The guy standing out there was so nice and so COLD! But the giving and not walking right past made me feel really wonderful, and I still do!
So anyway, I'm doing much better because I feel good caring for my mom. And I'm not so much feeling sorry for myself anymore, although I've still gotten all teary-eyed a couple times today while writing emails. But my mom is the most important thing, and her happiness and comfort are what is occupying my mind. After all, people are the most important thing. Jobs come and go, money comes and goes, but relationships and love are what really touches us and makes life so fucking amazing.
By the way, "Walk On" by U2 is on right now and is absolutely the most perfect song that I could think of for this moment.
