Various topics - listening, the issue of a life plan, and being afraid
Some different and slightly related things that have been percolating around in my brain lately:
Two days ago at an auxiliary meeting for my volunteer group, the executive director was telling us how appreciative various parents were at the Christmas party for the children and also about out program for adopting needy families and buying them gifts. To tell us more about things that some of the parents said, he called in a cute little Hispanic guy named Luis.
I'd never met Luis before, although he said hi to me at the door when I had arrived, but within thirty seconds I knew he was one of the best people, a very, very special soul. He started by telling us that for many years, before he came to this organization to work, he worked with terminally ill patients at a hospital. He said that what he did most often at that job was just sit by the beds and listen to the people, really listen to them, because they all had a story to tell and they just needed and really wanted someone to listen to them. He went on to tell us about some of the parents whose children are benefitting from our program, and that he listened to them as they, in tears, watched their children sitting on Santa's lap, and that many said they had thought they were going to have to tell their children this year that Santa wasn't real, so they wouldn't be disappointed when there were no presents. But now, because of our programs, their children would receive presents and could spend another year believing in miracles.
What Luis said about really listening to people has resonated with me ever since. We all want that, for someone to listen and really hear what we have to say. To make us feel special because that person wants to know. And it's something that I try to do as well - to ask the questions and really listen to people. Because everyone has something to say, and having someone really listen makes people happy!
The Meat has actually talked to me about just that, and when Luis was talking I was reminded very much of many conversations with The Meat. He's said quite a few times that everyone has a story to tell. And that we should ask, and get people to tell their stories. The Meat is great at that, at taking an interest in everyone around him, and getting them to talk and tell their stories. He's such an inspiration and teaches me so much! And you know, once people start talking and telling their stories, I find connections or some similiar ground, and also just enjoy hearing what they have to say! But although I'm very good at the listening part, and the caring part, I need to work on the asking part. So that's one of my resolutions in my quest to become a better person and fully enjoy life! Ask more questions!
Next item. I never posted about my time with my dad this past Saturday. My mom was feeling much better, able to be by herself, so my dad and I went out Christmas shopping for the afternoon. The past few times I've been home I hadn't spent any alone time with my dad, so this was really good for us. When we're at home we tease each other and do the normal bit of small-talk stuff, but don't really big talk. Or just hang out like I can do with my mom. We had a great day, and we even went to two camera stores! I ADORE cameras, and knew my dad had been a little into photography before I was born, but since then he's never shown any interest in cameras and actually gets upset when there are too many cameras around and everyone is taking pictures. So I was pretty excited, and still am, that he's getting interested again! Yay!
After we had been out for awhile, we stopped to get some late lunch. And I knew it was the perfect time to tell him, so I went for it, and told him about the big change I'd recently made in my life - the telling everyone about my alcoholism and stopping drinking. He was a bit blown away, understandably, because he had no idea. I didn't go into too much detail, just told him the basics, because I didn't want it to make him sad. He listened while I told him everything, and I emphasized more than once that I'm happier now than I've been in years. He was proud of me and happy, I could tell, that I was happy and doing something so positive.
And then he told me that now I need to focus on getting a new job, and advancing in my career. And looking for a guy so I can get married, because the longer I wait, the harder it will be, as he said. All this is where my dad and I don't completely see eye to eye. Not that I don't want a new job and want to be married and have children. But it's just the way he looks at it that bothers me. It's hard to exactly explain, but it's kind of that he doesn't see the value in living each day and really being happy, but is more focused on following The Right Path - which to him is getting married at such-and-such an age, starting a family at such-and-such and age, moving up in your career - just following the life schedule that he believes all people should follow and most do. And if you don't, you're a bit off, and something's wrong with you or you'll never be happy, or something like that.
My mom has told me that my dad's never really been happy in the sense that he doesn't live for the present. When they were married, he would say they'd be happy when they had children. Then when my brother and I were little, he was looking forward to us being out of diapers and all. Then he was looking forward to us being in school, because that would be better. And so on - always wanting the next phase to start because THAT will be the good time. Thank GOD I'm not like that!!!
So anyway, my dad and I talked, and I listened to what he said, and was very calm the whole time (as opposed to the many times when he'll frustrate me). I told him that I'm happy now, and I live each day, and I want all those things, and they will happen eventually when they're meant to. But he wouldn't accept that and would repeat that "well, you better get started, cause time is passing quickly." Ughhhhh! I hate that! Luckily I didn't buy his stuff and start to feel pressured and stressed. But like I said, we just don't see eye to eye.
Anyway, at one point I was getting all philosophical about things, as I can sometimes do. And talking about the marriage and job thing, and the living each day fully thing, and other stuff. And then my dad made a comment that threw me a little, mentally. He said, "I don't know about what, but I get the feeling that you're afraid of something."
My dad isn't a very intuitive guy usually, or at least that's not how I view him. But a lot of things flashed quickly in my mind, things that I'm afraid of. And I wondered first if it's that obvious, and second, if maybe I'm closing myself off to a new job and a relationship because of these things I'm afraid of, and I don't even realize it. Interesting. And I don't know the answer.
And THEN, I read NetworkChic's recent amazing post about the things we're afraid of, and I read all the comments, and it was almost heartwarming to hear that we're all a bit afraid, and about many of the same things depending on where we are in our lives. And then I started thinking more about what I'm afraid of, and whether those fears are keeping me stagnant. The thing is that I know I am kind of afraid of things, but at the same time I can't fully put my finger on what exactly some of those things are. So maybe I'm afraid and maybe I'm actually just way overanalyzing this - which reminds me that my dad said exactly that - I overthink things and overanalyze things. I'm not sure he's right, but then again, maybe he is. Hmmmm.
Anyway, I'm going to try to list some of the things that I'm afraid of, and see what comes out.
1. The first thing that popped in my head when my dad made his observation was actually God and religion. It's something that's been bothering me for months now, and the few times I've tried talking to someone about it, I cry. Here's the thing - I've been raised Lutheran, and am a Christian. But also, I look all around me at all the wonderful people in the world, and I view God as loving and as the big psychologist who understands our minds and thoughts and also society and such. So he knows that if I had been born and raised as Muslim, I'd still be Muslim. And if I'd been raised Jewish, I'd still be Jewish. Etc, etc. The Christian faith teaches us that only Christians go to heaven - but I can't possibly believe that, because God knows and understands us all and therefore it makes no logical sense that he'd send the rest of the people to hell. And I see similarities between at least these three religions, at least from my point of view. So if I see everyone as going to heaven, and I see similiaries, then maybe we're all right in a way. But at the same time, I wouldn't convert. So that must mean I see the others as wrong somehow. But I don't want to. But then also, if I see all the religions as right on some level, and I think we're all going to heaven, then what is right? And how do I know what's right? And what if I'm actually wrong and one of the others is right? And then I get into even scarier thoughts based on the purpose of religion from early times, and our human need for a religion, and start wondering if any of it is real and true, or just created for a purpose. But it's about faith, and faith is about not having proof but just believing. But what do I believe? And based on what? I'm having an internal crisis and I don't know what to do about it. And it makes me very, very, very uneasy and in turn - afraid.
2. I think I might be afraid of starting a new relationship for some reason, but I'm not sure exactly why or if I am - but I do know that I don't seem to have any interest in trying to or in looking for someone right now. Also, I'm afraid of following life's path as per my dad, and getting married to someone and losing myself and my dreams and falling into a boring comfort zone with nothing exciting and nothing pushing boundaries and just blah, blah, blah. And I'm afraid that something in this normal life path will make me move to the suburbs and buy a house and suddenly be competing with the Jones's and look foward to Saturdays when I garden and my husband mows the lawn. And the idea makes me want to hurl. And I want to have children and look forward to that, but when I think of the gradeschool years, and interacting with all the other boring and conforming mothers, and going to school sports events every night, and - oh I have to stop because that also makes me want to hurl. I'm afraid of life becoming so normal, and so boring, and so unspecial. And I know inside that I shouldn't be scared of that - and that when the time comes when my children go to school, it will special and wonderful just like every day is special and wonderful. And I know that I don't have to and won't move to the suburbs and become a disgusting and boring person, just because I get married and have children. I know this, but I'm still afraid. And I'm also afraid of being married and then growing apart, and just going through the motions with no real love and passion. And I'm afraid of getting older so that I'm no longer the pretty young one, and instead being worried about my husband looking at the cute young ones and not wanting me. And I'm worried about getting married and never again feeling that intense excitement of a new crush and so looking forward to getting your hands on each other. And I'm kind of afraid that I'd have an affair in order to get the affirmation and excitement in my life if the passion is gone with my husband and our lives are boring.
Okay, that's enough for today. I feel very introspective right now. But also kind of good for organizing my thoughts regarding all of the above, so they aren't just swimming around in my head.
I'll end on a good note, a GREAT note: tomorrow morning I'm getting some action, and THANK GOD!!! I've been ridiculously wet in the panties all week long and desperately need some fucking!
Two days ago at an auxiliary meeting for my volunteer group, the executive director was telling us how appreciative various parents were at the Christmas party for the children and also about out program for adopting needy families and buying them gifts. To tell us more about things that some of the parents said, he called in a cute little Hispanic guy named Luis.
I'd never met Luis before, although he said hi to me at the door when I had arrived, but within thirty seconds I knew he was one of the best people, a very, very special soul. He started by telling us that for many years, before he came to this organization to work, he worked with terminally ill patients at a hospital. He said that what he did most often at that job was just sit by the beds and listen to the people, really listen to them, because they all had a story to tell and they just needed and really wanted someone to listen to them. He went on to tell us about some of the parents whose children are benefitting from our program, and that he listened to them as they, in tears, watched their children sitting on Santa's lap, and that many said they had thought they were going to have to tell their children this year that Santa wasn't real, so they wouldn't be disappointed when there were no presents. But now, because of our programs, their children would receive presents and could spend another year believing in miracles.
What Luis said about really listening to people has resonated with me ever since. We all want that, for someone to listen and really hear what we have to say. To make us feel special because that person wants to know. And it's something that I try to do as well - to ask the questions and really listen to people. Because everyone has something to say, and having someone really listen makes people happy!
The Meat has actually talked to me about just that, and when Luis was talking I was reminded very much of many conversations with The Meat. He's said quite a few times that everyone has a story to tell. And that we should ask, and get people to tell their stories. The Meat is great at that, at taking an interest in everyone around him, and getting them to talk and tell their stories. He's such an inspiration and teaches me so much! And you know, once people start talking and telling their stories, I find connections or some similiar ground, and also just enjoy hearing what they have to say! But although I'm very good at the listening part, and the caring part, I need to work on the asking part. So that's one of my resolutions in my quest to become a better person and fully enjoy life! Ask more questions!
Next item. I never posted about my time with my dad this past Saturday. My mom was feeling much better, able to be by herself, so my dad and I went out Christmas shopping for the afternoon. The past few times I've been home I hadn't spent any alone time with my dad, so this was really good for us. When we're at home we tease each other and do the normal bit of small-talk stuff, but don't really big talk. Or just hang out like I can do with my mom. We had a great day, and we even went to two camera stores! I ADORE cameras, and knew my dad had been a little into photography before I was born, but since then he's never shown any interest in cameras and actually gets upset when there are too many cameras around and everyone is taking pictures. So I was pretty excited, and still am, that he's getting interested again! Yay!
After we had been out for awhile, we stopped to get some late lunch. And I knew it was the perfect time to tell him, so I went for it, and told him about the big change I'd recently made in my life - the telling everyone about my alcoholism and stopping drinking. He was a bit blown away, understandably, because he had no idea. I didn't go into too much detail, just told him the basics, because I didn't want it to make him sad. He listened while I told him everything, and I emphasized more than once that I'm happier now than I've been in years. He was proud of me and happy, I could tell, that I was happy and doing something so positive.
And then he told me that now I need to focus on getting a new job, and advancing in my career. And looking for a guy so I can get married, because the longer I wait, the harder it will be, as he said. All this is where my dad and I don't completely see eye to eye. Not that I don't want a new job and want to be married and have children. But it's just the way he looks at it that bothers me. It's hard to exactly explain, but it's kind of that he doesn't see the value in living each day and really being happy, but is more focused on following The Right Path - which to him is getting married at such-and-such an age, starting a family at such-and-such and age, moving up in your career - just following the life schedule that he believes all people should follow and most do. And if you don't, you're a bit off, and something's wrong with you or you'll never be happy, or something like that.
My mom has told me that my dad's never really been happy in the sense that he doesn't live for the present. When they were married, he would say they'd be happy when they had children. Then when my brother and I were little, he was looking forward to us being out of diapers and all. Then he was looking forward to us being in school, because that would be better. And so on - always wanting the next phase to start because THAT will be the good time. Thank GOD I'm not like that!!!
So anyway, my dad and I talked, and I listened to what he said, and was very calm the whole time (as opposed to the many times when he'll frustrate me). I told him that I'm happy now, and I live each day, and I want all those things, and they will happen eventually when they're meant to. But he wouldn't accept that and would repeat that "well, you better get started, cause time is passing quickly." Ughhhhh! I hate that! Luckily I didn't buy his stuff and start to feel pressured and stressed. But like I said, we just don't see eye to eye.
Anyway, at one point I was getting all philosophical about things, as I can sometimes do. And talking about the marriage and job thing, and the living each day fully thing, and other stuff. And then my dad made a comment that threw me a little, mentally. He said, "I don't know about what, but I get the feeling that you're afraid of something."
My dad isn't a very intuitive guy usually, or at least that's not how I view him. But a lot of things flashed quickly in my mind, things that I'm afraid of. And I wondered first if it's that obvious, and second, if maybe I'm closing myself off to a new job and a relationship because of these things I'm afraid of, and I don't even realize it. Interesting. And I don't know the answer.
And THEN, I read NetworkChic's recent amazing post about the things we're afraid of, and I read all the comments, and it was almost heartwarming to hear that we're all a bit afraid, and about many of the same things depending on where we are in our lives. And then I started thinking more about what I'm afraid of, and whether those fears are keeping me stagnant. The thing is that I know I am kind of afraid of things, but at the same time I can't fully put my finger on what exactly some of those things are. So maybe I'm afraid and maybe I'm actually just way overanalyzing this - which reminds me that my dad said exactly that - I overthink things and overanalyze things. I'm not sure he's right, but then again, maybe he is. Hmmmm.
Anyway, I'm going to try to list some of the things that I'm afraid of, and see what comes out.
1. The first thing that popped in my head when my dad made his observation was actually God and religion. It's something that's been bothering me for months now, and the few times I've tried talking to someone about it, I cry. Here's the thing - I've been raised Lutheran, and am a Christian. But also, I look all around me at all the wonderful people in the world, and I view God as loving and as the big psychologist who understands our minds and thoughts and also society and such. So he knows that if I had been born and raised as Muslim, I'd still be Muslim. And if I'd been raised Jewish, I'd still be Jewish. Etc, etc. The Christian faith teaches us that only Christians go to heaven - but I can't possibly believe that, because God knows and understands us all and therefore it makes no logical sense that he'd send the rest of the people to hell. And I see similarities between at least these three religions, at least from my point of view. So if I see everyone as going to heaven, and I see similiaries, then maybe we're all right in a way. But at the same time, I wouldn't convert. So that must mean I see the others as wrong somehow. But I don't want to. But then also, if I see all the religions as right on some level, and I think we're all going to heaven, then what is right? And how do I know what's right? And what if I'm actually wrong and one of the others is right? And then I get into even scarier thoughts based on the purpose of religion from early times, and our human need for a religion, and start wondering if any of it is real and true, or just created for a purpose. But it's about faith, and faith is about not having proof but just believing. But what do I believe? And based on what? I'm having an internal crisis and I don't know what to do about it. And it makes me very, very, very uneasy and in turn - afraid.
2. I think I might be afraid of starting a new relationship for some reason, but I'm not sure exactly why or if I am - but I do know that I don't seem to have any interest in trying to or in looking for someone right now. Also, I'm afraid of following life's path as per my dad, and getting married to someone and losing myself and my dreams and falling into a boring comfort zone with nothing exciting and nothing pushing boundaries and just blah, blah, blah. And I'm afraid that something in this normal life path will make me move to the suburbs and buy a house and suddenly be competing with the Jones's and look foward to Saturdays when I garden and my husband mows the lawn. And the idea makes me want to hurl. And I want to have children and look forward to that, but when I think of the gradeschool years, and interacting with all the other boring and conforming mothers, and going to school sports events every night, and - oh I have to stop because that also makes me want to hurl. I'm afraid of life becoming so normal, and so boring, and so unspecial. And I know inside that I shouldn't be scared of that - and that when the time comes when my children go to school, it will special and wonderful just like every day is special and wonderful. And I know that I don't have to and won't move to the suburbs and become a disgusting and boring person, just because I get married and have children. I know this, but I'm still afraid. And I'm also afraid of being married and then growing apart, and just going through the motions with no real love and passion. And I'm afraid of getting older so that I'm no longer the pretty young one, and instead being worried about my husband looking at the cute young ones and not wanting me. And I'm worried about getting married and never again feeling that intense excitement of a new crush and so looking forward to getting your hands on each other. And I'm kind of afraid that I'd have an affair in order to get the affirmation and excitement in my life if the passion is gone with my husband and our lives are boring.
Okay, that's enough for today. I feel very introspective right now. But also kind of good for organizing my thoughts regarding all of the above, so they aren't just swimming around in my head.
I'll end on a good note, a GREAT note: tomorrow morning I'm getting some action, and THANK GOD!!! I've been ridiculously wet in the panties all week long and desperately need some fucking!
