Christmas Eve Blues
I wish I had some happy pills to take right now, cause I have zero Christmas spirit and am instead a bit depressed and stressed.
I've helped my mom today by doing cooking while she's been wrapping presents. I didn't intend to do so much, (since I'm lazy), but I'm happy I was able to help her out. I sorted through all the cranberries and cooked them up, then started on our green jello salad, and then made her toffee bars for her. And now I'm taking a little break to rest my back from all the standing. Then I'll wrap some presents.
Having my brother and the bitch sister-in-law home is so stressful for me. I love my brother, but at the same time, I've noticed that when he's around I tend to get depressed. The first reason is that he's always talking about the house they're going to find and buy in a few months. And his job and how hard he's been working, and his plans to get some advanced degree and what he wants to do career-wise. And he's always talking about money, from saving it, to paying off their debts, to what they're going to buy. He talks like he knows it all, he's so confident, and so damn focused on it all. And also, he knows just what to say - he's always been that way, but still, I can't stand all the talk!
This morning as I was wrapping a few presents I was mentally analyzing why it bothers me so much. Cause seriously, I was about ready to break into tears and have a good cry. I think one reason is that he's so fricking practical, and I guess I'm so not. And he knows where he's going in life and is making plans, and I'm all confused. And he's so materialistic and all his plans almost seem like bragging to me, but I guess it's because I feel so behind in my development.
And we're different, he and I. I think about helping people, figuring out the world and my place in it, understanding what makes me happy, remembering the important things, spending time with people, etc. He thinks about buying a house, then decorating the house, getting two dogs, getting a new credit card that will pay him back more, reducing his debt, his next career move. It all just makes me want to run. I do some pretending to listen, and add my two cents here and there, but I look down a lot and occupy myself with other things while he's talking this way.
This morning after I woke and went downstairs to get breakfast, my brother was talking to my dad about his job, the bitch's job, what advanced degree he should get, his prospects with his current company, his idea for going into consulting. And my dad just loved it, cause that's what my dad loves - the Life Plan, the advancement in career, all that so he doesn't have to worry and can be happy that his son is moving ahead with his life. And I know all these things are reasons why my dad doesn't understand me, since I'm doing none of them.
Also, while I was wrapping and analzying, I came to the realization that I'm worried my brother really will succeed big, and make tons of money and have a big house and have the expensive car. I tell myself that all those things don't matter much. That working tons of hours at a job isn't worth the extra money, because life passes you by. And that I don't want a big house with a stupid lawn and the big car and all that. And I really don't. But at the same time, I want to be comfortable and have money to live in a really nice condo or townhouse in the city, and be able to go on family vacations all over the world. I guess I'm jealous a little that my brother is on the way, and I'm worried that I'm going to be left behind and he's going to be the rich brother while I'm the poor sister barely getting by. I'm not a planner, and all his CONSTANT planning disgusts me, but at the same time worries me that I don't have any plan.
But, I would never choose to be my brother over myself. He's so focused on what I believe to be not the most important things. And so fricking know-it-all about his plans and all that. And talks about it way too much and in such a know-it-all way. I can't stand it. I'm happy with the person I am and with what's important to me. But at the same time, I wish I could know that five years down the road I'd be married, have a baby, live in a comfortable place, and have paid off my debts. And also have started saving. It's all just so stressful for me. It makes me think of all the things that I don't like to think of! All the things that scare me!
Also, for the past maybe two or three years, when my brother's around he seems to be the center of attention. He talks a lot. He talks loud. And I feel like I blend back into the background. And I hate feeling that way. His loudness makes me quiet, or at least seem quiet to myself.
It's not that my brother ignores me at all. He actually brings attention to me, and talks to me and all that. And teases me and does the little brotherly pushes and stuff. But I get depressed and have low self-confidence around it all, so I'm just SAD, and BLUE. I just realized one good things - he and the bitch are visiting with my grandma and then my grandpa right now (they've been divorced for years but are good friends and have condos right next door to each other), so he'll be doing the whole practical talk with them today, so hopefully I won't have to hear another rendition of it tomorrow. He's always been the one to talk so self-confidently, so everyone thinks he's got it all figured out, and he's still that way. Whereas I'm floating around here in the wind, not knowing where I'm headed or what I want.
I was happy, though, that my brother told me he's so excited about his present for me! I love feeling loved by him, and feeling important to him. I'm so emotional about it. I wept leading up to his wedding cause I was worried about losing him, and I wept last Christmas when he gave me the sweetest card. I just hate that I feel this way when I'm around him now. Oh, but he also made me really happy last night when twice, he told me how good I look, and that I've lost so much weight, and look really happy. And he hugged me while he said it. He's my little brother, but sometimes I feel like he's older.
Now, all that I've just written about would be more than enough stress for little me to handle around Christmas, but now we have to add in The Bitch Factor.
I've been nice, and she's been her nicest possible - which means answering our questions and making eye contact. Of course, no questions come out of her mouth, she talks to us as little as possible and only if we ask her questions, and she and my brother have been gone for the past four hours or so on their own.
Also, she always drinks a certain brand of Reisling for Christmas, so my brother and she went to four separate stores before they found it, as my brother reported when he called. (He's getting a bottle of sparking juice for me and my grandparents to drink.) When he called, he asked whether my parents would want the Reisling, because he's only getting one bottle and as he said, the bitch will most likely finish it.
My mom heard me say incredulously, "What, is she planning on getting drunk on Christmas?" So my mom had to get on the phone then and tell my brother that she doesn't want anyone even half drunk. And that there's no drinking tonight cause we have church at 11 p.m. My brother got defensive and testy on the phone, and I know the bitch was standing close by, so now when they get back I know she'll be annoyed with my mom. And that stresses me out.
We can tell that my brother is trying to train her in some ways, of how to behave. For example, last night they were about to go upstairs to bed and he saw a glass sitting on the counter and asked if it was hers, and she said yes, and he asked why she didn't put it in the sink instead of leaving it out for someone else to clean up, and she said she though he would do it for her. When he said no, she took care of it. She's a fucking spoiled bitch fuckface! But my brother seems to think most of her spoiled habits are "so cute"! It drives me crazy. I can't stand her. And the worst part is that I'm almost hoping they spend next Christmas with her family, just so I don't have to deal with the stress of having her around. I hate that, since I of course want my brother around for Christmas.
Ugh. I'm sad, I'm depressed, the world doesn't seem like a happy place, and it really doesn't seem like Christmas. I hope tomorrow goes better than today. I'm sure at least the present-opening session will be good.
Also, I was browsing through my parents' Time magazine this morning, the one with Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates as People of the Year. And it was making me realize that I don't do enough! I so wish I had the money and time to travel over to Pakistan and help build homes for the people displaced by the earthquake. Or to the areas affected by the Tsunami a year ago - do you know 80% of those displaced people still don't have permanent housing. I wish I could do so many things - that would combine international travel with helping people and also understanding their culture and lives a little more. Unfortunately I have no money. And that just sucks. I think I need to write Melinda Gates a letter and tell her how much I want to help, and maybe she can pay for me to go do good things for her foundation!!!
Enough crying now. I have to go wrap some Christmas presents. I feel like Scrooge right now with my bah-humbug (sp?) attitude.
I've helped my mom today by doing cooking while she's been wrapping presents. I didn't intend to do so much, (since I'm lazy), but I'm happy I was able to help her out. I sorted through all the cranberries and cooked them up, then started on our green jello salad, and then made her toffee bars for her. And now I'm taking a little break to rest my back from all the standing. Then I'll wrap some presents.
Having my brother and the bitch sister-in-law home is so stressful for me. I love my brother, but at the same time, I've noticed that when he's around I tend to get depressed. The first reason is that he's always talking about the house they're going to find and buy in a few months. And his job and how hard he's been working, and his plans to get some advanced degree and what he wants to do career-wise. And he's always talking about money, from saving it, to paying off their debts, to what they're going to buy. He talks like he knows it all, he's so confident, and so damn focused on it all. And also, he knows just what to say - he's always been that way, but still, I can't stand all the talk!
This morning as I was wrapping a few presents I was mentally analyzing why it bothers me so much. Cause seriously, I was about ready to break into tears and have a good cry. I think one reason is that he's so fricking practical, and I guess I'm so not. And he knows where he's going in life and is making plans, and I'm all confused. And he's so materialistic and all his plans almost seem like bragging to me, but I guess it's because I feel so behind in my development.
And we're different, he and I. I think about helping people, figuring out the world and my place in it, understanding what makes me happy, remembering the important things, spending time with people, etc. He thinks about buying a house, then decorating the house, getting two dogs, getting a new credit card that will pay him back more, reducing his debt, his next career move. It all just makes me want to run. I do some pretending to listen, and add my two cents here and there, but I look down a lot and occupy myself with other things while he's talking this way.
This morning after I woke and went downstairs to get breakfast, my brother was talking to my dad about his job, the bitch's job, what advanced degree he should get, his prospects with his current company, his idea for going into consulting. And my dad just loved it, cause that's what my dad loves - the Life Plan, the advancement in career, all that so he doesn't have to worry and can be happy that his son is moving ahead with his life. And I know all these things are reasons why my dad doesn't understand me, since I'm doing none of them.
Also, while I was wrapping and analzying, I came to the realization that I'm worried my brother really will succeed big, and make tons of money and have a big house and have the expensive car. I tell myself that all those things don't matter much. That working tons of hours at a job isn't worth the extra money, because life passes you by. And that I don't want a big house with a stupid lawn and the big car and all that. And I really don't. But at the same time, I want to be comfortable and have money to live in a really nice condo or townhouse in the city, and be able to go on family vacations all over the world. I guess I'm jealous a little that my brother is on the way, and I'm worried that I'm going to be left behind and he's going to be the rich brother while I'm the poor sister barely getting by. I'm not a planner, and all his CONSTANT planning disgusts me, but at the same time worries me that I don't have any plan.
But, I would never choose to be my brother over myself. He's so focused on what I believe to be not the most important things. And so fricking know-it-all about his plans and all that. And talks about it way too much and in such a know-it-all way. I can't stand it. I'm happy with the person I am and with what's important to me. But at the same time, I wish I could know that five years down the road I'd be married, have a baby, live in a comfortable place, and have paid off my debts. And also have started saving. It's all just so stressful for me. It makes me think of all the things that I don't like to think of! All the things that scare me!
Also, for the past maybe two or three years, when my brother's around he seems to be the center of attention. He talks a lot. He talks loud. And I feel like I blend back into the background. And I hate feeling that way. His loudness makes me quiet, or at least seem quiet to myself.
It's not that my brother ignores me at all. He actually brings attention to me, and talks to me and all that. And teases me and does the little brotherly pushes and stuff. But I get depressed and have low self-confidence around it all, so I'm just SAD, and BLUE. I just realized one good things - he and the bitch are visiting with my grandma and then my grandpa right now (they've been divorced for years but are good friends and have condos right next door to each other), so he'll be doing the whole practical talk with them today, so hopefully I won't have to hear another rendition of it tomorrow. He's always been the one to talk so self-confidently, so everyone thinks he's got it all figured out, and he's still that way. Whereas I'm floating around here in the wind, not knowing where I'm headed or what I want.
I was happy, though, that my brother told me he's so excited about his present for me! I love feeling loved by him, and feeling important to him. I'm so emotional about it. I wept leading up to his wedding cause I was worried about losing him, and I wept last Christmas when he gave me the sweetest card. I just hate that I feel this way when I'm around him now. Oh, but he also made me really happy last night when twice, he told me how good I look, and that I've lost so much weight, and look really happy. And he hugged me while he said it. He's my little brother, but sometimes I feel like he's older.
Now, all that I've just written about would be more than enough stress for little me to handle around Christmas, but now we have to add in The Bitch Factor.
I've been nice, and she's been her nicest possible - which means answering our questions and making eye contact. Of course, no questions come out of her mouth, she talks to us as little as possible and only if we ask her questions, and she and my brother have been gone for the past four hours or so on their own.
Also, she always drinks a certain brand of Reisling for Christmas, so my brother and she went to four separate stores before they found it, as my brother reported when he called. (He's getting a bottle of sparking juice for me and my grandparents to drink.) When he called, he asked whether my parents would want the Reisling, because he's only getting one bottle and as he said, the bitch will most likely finish it.
My mom heard me say incredulously, "What, is she planning on getting drunk on Christmas?" So my mom had to get on the phone then and tell my brother that she doesn't want anyone even half drunk. And that there's no drinking tonight cause we have church at 11 p.m. My brother got defensive and testy on the phone, and I know the bitch was standing close by, so now when they get back I know she'll be annoyed with my mom. And that stresses me out.
We can tell that my brother is trying to train her in some ways, of how to behave. For example, last night they were about to go upstairs to bed and he saw a glass sitting on the counter and asked if it was hers, and she said yes, and he asked why she didn't put it in the sink instead of leaving it out for someone else to clean up, and she said she though he would do it for her. When he said no, she took care of it. She's a fucking spoiled bitch fuckface! But my brother seems to think most of her spoiled habits are "so cute"! It drives me crazy. I can't stand her. And the worst part is that I'm almost hoping they spend next Christmas with her family, just so I don't have to deal with the stress of having her around. I hate that, since I of course want my brother around for Christmas.
Ugh. I'm sad, I'm depressed, the world doesn't seem like a happy place, and it really doesn't seem like Christmas. I hope tomorrow goes better than today. I'm sure at least the present-opening session will be good.
Also, I was browsing through my parents' Time magazine this morning, the one with Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates as People of the Year. And it was making me realize that I don't do enough! I so wish I had the money and time to travel over to Pakistan and help build homes for the people displaced by the earthquake. Or to the areas affected by the Tsunami a year ago - do you know 80% of those displaced people still don't have permanent housing. I wish I could do so many things - that would combine international travel with helping people and also understanding their culture and lives a little more. Unfortunately I have no money. And that just sucks. I think I need to write Melinda Gates a letter and tell her how much I want to help, and maybe she can pay for me to go do good things for her foundation!!!
Enough crying now. I have to go wrap some Christmas presents. I feel like Scrooge right now with my bah-humbug (sp?) attitude.
