Self-analysis and stuff like that
Last night I fell asleep on my couch - well I knew that if I shut my eyes I wouldn't wake up, but I couldn't possibly bring myself to stand up and move to my bed. So I spent the whole night there and went back to sleep after my mom called in the morning, and was only able to get up when The German called and wouldn't get off the phone with me until he heard me running the water in the kitchen and getting food for the babies.
I'm getting really tired again now and it's only a little after 10 - I'm becoming an old lady!! But I'm also really starting to get stressed because I have to move out of my place in two weeks from today, and although I have put together two boxes, I haven't done a single thing since. I planned on doing stuff tonight but all the damn shows are on right now and are exciting! So I had to watch Alias and Lost. But after I finish this I'm going to at least take all the books off my bookshelves and stack the damn things by the boxes so I'll feel like I did something.
On TV I just heard the question, "Life's too short, so what are we doing?" Hmmmm. Life is short, and what am I doing? Sometimes I think I'm doing a lot, and having fun, and that my life is filled with people who I care about - so I feel that my life is happy and full. And other times I feel that I'm wasting time doing nothing, and not really feeling and not really living.
And alot of the time, I couldn't answer the question "what I am doing" - tonight is one of those nights. Well, I do have my sweet kittens who make me so happy, and I have my whole community of friends at work, and I have some really wonderful friends as well. And I'm moving to a new place and am excited about getting to paint all the walls and decorate.
But what am I really doing? And what do I want to do, exactly? I don't know!! My sort of easy answer is that I want to experience the whole rollercoaster, and really feel things, and connect with so many people, and explore the world, and feel joy and contentment, and feel self-fulfillment, and have so much love in my life.
So let me see how I'm doing according to that: so far I'm completely riding the rollercoaster of life emotions which is good, and I feel a lot of things (and especially since I stopped drinking), I could do better and make much more of an effort in connecting with people, I've explored the world a tiny bit but it's been (oh holy shit) six years since I've been to Europe or anywhere else - so I need to do better with that, I feel joy often but I'm not sure about pure contentment, I don't very often feel self-fulfilled because I know how much I don't do and how lazy I am and how unorganized I am and I don't read enough or experience culture enough, and as for love in my life - I definitely have love in my life but it's not what I want forever - I want a family so that I'm surrounded by love instead of being mostly alone (except for my sweet babies!) every night. That last thing is a big thing - wanting a family. I want a husband, partner and best friend who I deeply love. And I want children.
I've decided today that I need to start keeping lists better, like I used to do in the past. I need to have an ongoing list at work of all the little things I need to do and I can cross stuff off and add stuff and all that. It'll help me hopefully be much more organized and get stuff done and not forget about things. And I also need to write out lists of other things I need to do, want to do, goals I have, and stuff like that. Even a few months ago I was keeping lists but now I try to keep it all in my head and maybe that's one reason why I never seem to do anything. So okay - that's my little goal as of tonight! For self-improvement! And it's a bit of a plan and I like plans and I feel so much better just having a tiny plan now!
Okay, I'm off now to take all the books off my bookshelves. And tomorrow I'll start writing out various lists for myself. I feel like this post was really self-indulgent and boring. I've been getting really melancholy every night even though I've been happy while I'm at work (except for most of today when I was trying to organize and do a lot of little things and cross them off my mental list).
One fun thing to end with - I finally remembered to tell a couple of people at work about a new word I learned (probably two months ago now) from WDKY - although I couldn't remember the word at first other than that it started with an M so I had to do some googling - and I finally found it under "pubic toupee": merkin. So we had some serious fun with that, and they couldn't believe there is actually such a thing. It just cracks me up! And is such a fun word to say!
I'm getting really tired again now and it's only a little after 10 - I'm becoming an old lady!! But I'm also really starting to get stressed because I have to move out of my place in two weeks from today, and although I have put together two boxes, I haven't done a single thing since. I planned on doing stuff tonight but all the damn shows are on right now and are exciting! So I had to watch Alias and Lost. But after I finish this I'm going to at least take all the books off my bookshelves and stack the damn things by the boxes so I'll feel like I did something.
On TV I just heard the question, "Life's too short, so what are we doing?" Hmmmm. Life is short, and what am I doing? Sometimes I think I'm doing a lot, and having fun, and that my life is filled with people who I care about - so I feel that my life is happy and full. And other times I feel that I'm wasting time doing nothing, and not really feeling and not really living.
And alot of the time, I couldn't answer the question "what I am doing" - tonight is one of those nights. Well, I do have my sweet kittens who make me so happy, and I have my whole community of friends at work, and I have some really wonderful friends as well. And I'm moving to a new place and am excited about getting to paint all the walls and decorate.
But what am I really doing? And what do I want to do, exactly? I don't know!! My sort of easy answer is that I want to experience the whole rollercoaster, and really feel things, and connect with so many people, and explore the world, and feel joy and contentment, and feel self-fulfillment, and have so much love in my life.
So let me see how I'm doing according to that: so far I'm completely riding the rollercoaster of life emotions which is good, and I feel a lot of things (and especially since I stopped drinking), I could do better and make much more of an effort in connecting with people, I've explored the world a tiny bit but it's been (oh holy shit) six years since I've been to Europe or anywhere else - so I need to do better with that, I feel joy often but I'm not sure about pure contentment, I don't very often feel self-fulfilled because I know how much I don't do and how lazy I am and how unorganized I am and I don't read enough or experience culture enough, and as for love in my life - I definitely have love in my life but it's not what I want forever - I want a family so that I'm surrounded by love instead of being mostly alone (except for my sweet babies!) every night. That last thing is a big thing - wanting a family. I want a husband, partner and best friend who I deeply love. And I want children.
I've decided today that I need to start keeping lists better, like I used to do in the past. I need to have an ongoing list at work of all the little things I need to do and I can cross stuff off and add stuff and all that. It'll help me hopefully be much more organized and get stuff done and not forget about things. And I also need to write out lists of other things I need to do, want to do, goals I have, and stuff like that. Even a few months ago I was keeping lists but now I try to keep it all in my head and maybe that's one reason why I never seem to do anything. So okay - that's my little goal as of tonight! For self-improvement! And it's a bit of a plan and I like plans and I feel so much better just having a tiny plan now!
Okay, I'm off now to take all the books off my bookshelves. And tomorrow I'll start writing out various lists for myself. I feel like this post was really self-indulgent and boring. I've been getting really melancholy every night even though I've been happy while I'm at work (except for most of today when I was trying to organize and do a lot of little things and cross them off my mental list).
One fun thing to end with - I finally remembered to tell a couple of people at work about a new word I learned (probably two months ago now) from WDKY - although I couldn't remember the word at first other than that it started with an M so I had to do some googling - and I finally found it under "pubic toupee": merkin. So we had some serious fun with that, and they couldn't believe there is actually such a thing. It just cracks me up! And is such a fun word to say!
