No John Prine, guy analysis, visit from Little Brother, and our Pilsen tag-along
I'm not in a good mood, and have been kind of mad at the world today. And I cried a few times, too. Mostly because I didn't go to the John Prine concert last night. Apparently I'm a loser because no one could go with me and I had no way to get up there so I wasted all the money on the tickets and all my excitement and expectations were wasted as well. And I'm pretty disappointed in a few people who said no even though they supposedly have an interest in me and didn't have such important plans. The two people who I'm happy with are Master Prosecutor and Warsteiner, because each of them made actual efforts to get out of their plans so they could go with me. I love them. They made me feel special, unlike the rest of the pricks out there.
So last night, because I couldn't go to the concert, I stayed much longer at the fundraiser and actually had a nice time. I always get so nervous around these people, and usually feel like an outsider, but I think because it was a party and I wasn't in charge in any way, I was able to have a much better time. And a lot of people commented on how good my sexy little black lace shirt looked one me - which of course increased my confidence and thus my mood. And I helped out, and so had things to do besides just try to find people to talk to. And also, I saw the friend of one of the members, who I had hung out with a few times a couple years ago. She's ten years older than me, and very nice, and we both love playing euchre! She said she's going to call me soon so we can hang out, which is very cool.
Near the end of the party, the nephew of one our members came over to talk. I first met him about a year and a half ago, when he had just moved to the city and didn't know many people. We chatted at that party and he called me a couple times afterward. He was nice but I wasn't really interested, and to be fair, I was still not at all over The German at the time. So I just never returned one of his calls and that was that.
Last night we ended up talking for two hours, until I was ready to leave and then I made him walk me to the bus stop and wait with me. I had a good time talking with him, and I liked certain things while others weren't completely to my liking. I like that he has a large and very fun family and he's very close to them, and that he used to be a semi-professional triathlete, and was a ski instructor, and wants to travel all over the world, and got his license to fly tiny helicopters for fun, and dreams of living in Chicago for six months out of the year and on St. John for six months - and already has a business plan for running a little rental business on St. John, and has a certain free spirit to him, and also that he previously had a bit of an alcohol problem so he doesn't drink much and can understand why I don't at all. I don't like that I'm not sure about his intelligence, that I could detect man boobs (he was severely injured in a car accident a few years ago and can no longer do the triathalons or other such stuff), that he has a belly, that he's sort of attractive but I'm not really sure yet whether he would be attractive to me, that he has bad teeth, that he has two brothers and his dad has two brothers and there seem to be way more men in the family and thus he carries a lot of Y genes and probably not many X genes and I need to have a daughter, and that half a year ago one of our members told me that he's a player. So I guess the jury's out on him, but I'll give him a chance because I really did have fun talking to him.
But that then brings me to another thing that I was thinking last night. I don't know if I want a relationship right now. I'm kind of having fun being single. And I'm having fun with a few guys. And I have feelings for SP, even though there is no future for us. And I like the excitement of not knowing, and having the option of dating anyone and kissing many different guys if I want, and being fucked by more than one person in the future.
And I also don't know how to have a relationship anymore, and I'm scared of it, and I don't know exactly what I want, or what kind of relationship I want, and I'm so used to being alone and don't remember how to be with someone, and if I'm with someone how will I know that it's right and there isn't someone better suited to me out there?
Well, that's some of what's in my head right now. On the other hand, if I was dating someone, I wouldn't end up with tickets to John Prine but no one to take me there.
My little brother is in town! He was flying in tonight, and I talked to him while he was still at the airport in Atlanta. He's here for a training seminar-thing on auditing, and he's staying at the same hotel downtown where the training will be. Tomorrow night when it finishes for the day I'm going to have him come to my work to see where I spend my days during the week, and meet whoever is still there. And then we'll go up to my place so he can see my apartment before I move out, and see little James and peek under the bed to see little Emma :) And then we'll eat somewhere, and shit I have to figure out where and we all know I'm terrible at thinking of places when I need to! Hopefully I'll see him a little bit on Tuesday night, too. His class ends at 1 p.m. on Wednesday and he flies out at 5 that night, so I'll hopefully get him to come to my work before he leaves for the airport so he can meet everyone, and then we can maybe get something to eat before he leaves.
I'm really excited to have him here and see him! But I also don't want to get my hopes all up that I'll see him a ton, because I know my brother and he's so much like my dad in some ways and so stupidly practical and business-like. And I can see him saying about Tuesday night that he'll relax in his room and get a good night sleep so he can be all ready for the day and pack for leaving and not be too tired. And I can see him saying on Wednesday that he can see me for ten minutes but then he really wants to get on his way to the airport so he can be there early and blah blah blah. So I hope he surprises me. Still though, when he told me a few weeks ago that he'd be here he said we could "hopefully meet for dinner one night", either Monday or Tuesday. And I was thinking, "what the fuck, you're my brother and we should have dinner both nights and spend as much time together as possible just having fun!" So we'll see. But I'll definitely be seeing him tomorrow night!
I slept a ridiculous amount today. I couldn't fully wake up this morning, no matter how many times James and Emma walked over me and cried. I finally managed to wake myself up at 12:30 p.m. And I was having wild dreams, too. Tons of them. I did good, though, in making myself leave my apartment. Normally when I wake up late and am feeling sad and lacking in confidence, I just hide out in my place. But I promised a friend who called that I would get out and get some sunshine and enjoy the good weather. So I decided to go to Borders and get a certain John Prine CD that I was having trouble downloading, and also stock up on some cat food for the babies (when I'm having my self-confidence issues I need a plan or I get too nervous to leave the house).
On the way to Borders I stopped in a couple little shops and got two little necklaces that I can wrap into bracelettes, and also a really cool necklace - I've been on the lookout for forever for a simple, elegant yet cool necklace that I can wear all the time, and I may have found it in this. I'm excited! Then I did what I planned and got the John Prine CD and also a Kris Kristofferson CD - he's hard to download, too. And then I got a bunch of cat food - and it was on sale, too! Yay! And there were three of the cutest little kittens for adoption there. I seriously wondered how James and Emma would handle a little brother and sister. But then I came back to my senses and remembered that 1) their happiness is my most important thing and they wouldn't like other cats coming in and 2) if I did get another cat or two, I would adopt adult cats from shelters to give a home to sweet babies without one.
So anyway though, to summarize - I'm upset about not going to John Prine and feel bad about myself because I couldn't go, but I had an okay day today and am proud of myself for getting out and doing a few things despite my lowly mood and sadness and lack of confidence. And I'm excited to see my brother tomorrow, and also excited to see everyone at work tomorrow - I emailed them all an album I made today of our lunch outing to a Mexican restaurant in Pilsen on Friday (The Meat started talking to a random guy who sat by us on the L and the guy ended up following us to the restaurant, sitting with us and ordering food, and then told us when the check came that he conveniently forgot his wallet in his car in Lincoln Park, where was staying with friends. He was also a conspiracy theorist, supposedly produced documentary films, took a million pictures of me with my camera, and did possibly the worst Dubya impression I've ever seen because it wasn't an impression at all but just the guy giving a speech that maybe Dubya would make. Oh - and to top it off, he had the most disgusting feet known to man - complete with grossly yellowed nails and sores all over - and I of course managed to take a picture! So anyway, we had great laughs all afternoon, and we'll have more reliving of it tomorrow when everyone's looking at my photo album!)
I'm feeling much better now, and looking forward to tomorrow! And having both James and Emma sleeping on the couch beside me right now doesn't hurt at all in making me happy!
So last night, because I couldn't go to the concert, I stayed much longer at the fundraiser and actually had a nice time. I always get so nervous around these people, and usually feel like an outsider, but I think because it was a party and I wasn't in charge in any way, I was able to have a much better time. And a lot of people commented on how good my sexy little black lace shirt looked one me - which of course increased my confidence and thus my mood. And I helped out, and so had things to do besides just try to find people to talk to. And also, I saw the friend of one of the members, who I had hung out with a few times a couple years ago. She's ten years older than me, and very nice, and we both love playing euchre! She said she's going to call me soon so we can hang out, which is very cool.
Near the end of the party, the nephew of one our members came over to talk. I first met him about a year and a half ago, when he had just moved to the city and didn't know many people. We chatted at that party and he called me a couple times afterward. He was nice but I wasn't really interested, and to be fair, I was still not at all over The German at the time. So I just never returned one of his calls and that was that.
Last night we ended up talking for two hours, until I was ready to leave and then I made him walk me to the bus stop and wait with me. I had a good time talking with him, and I liked certain things while others weren't completely to my liking. I like that he has a large and very fun family and he's very close to them, and that he used to be a semi-professional triathlete, and was a ski instructor, and wants to travel all over the world, and got his license to fly tiny helicopters for fun, and dreams of living in Chicago for six months out of the year and on St. John for six months - and already has a business plan for running a little rental business on St. John, and has a certain free spirit to him, and also that he previously had a bit of an alcohol problem so he doesn't drink much and can understand why I don't at all. I don't like that I'm not sure about his intelligence, that I could detect man boobs (he was severely injured in a car accident a few years ago and can no longer do the triathalons or other such stuff), that he has a belly, that he's sort of attractive but I'm not really sure yet whether he would be attractive to me, that he has bad teeth, that he has two brothers and his dad has two brothers and there seem to be way more men in the family and thus he carries a lot of Y genes and probably not many X genes and I need to have a daughter, and that half a year ago one of our members told me that he's a player. So I guess the jury's out on him, but I'll give him a chance because I really did have fun talking to him.
But that then brings me to another thing that I was thinking last night. I don't know if I want a relationship right now. I'm kind of having fun being single. And I'm having fun with a few guys. And I have feelings for SP, even though there is no future for us. And I like the excitement of not knowing, and having the option of dating anyone and kissing many different guys if I want, and being fucked by more than one person in the future.
And I also don't know how to have a relationship anymore, and I'm scared of it, and I don't know exactly what I want, or what kind of relationship I want, and I'm so used to being alone and don't remember how to be with someone, and if I'm with someone how will I know that it's right and there isn't someone better suited to me out there?
Well, that's some of what's in my head right now. On the other hand, if I was dating someone, I wouldn't end up with tickets to John Prine but no one to take me there.
My little brother is in town! He was flying in tonight, and I talked to him while he was still at the airport in Atlanta. He's here for a training seminar-thing on auditing, and he's staying at the same hotel downtown where the training will be. Tomorrow night when it finishes for the day I'm going to have him come to my work to see where I spend my days during the week, and meet whoever is still there. And then we'll go up to my place so he can see my apartment before I move out, and see little James and peek under the bed to see little Emma :) And then we'll eat somewhere, and shit I have to figure out where and we all know I'm terrible at thinking of places when I need to! Hopefully I'll see him a little bit on Tuesday night, too. His class ends at 1 p.m. on Wednesday and he flies out at 5 that night, so I'll hopefully get him to come to my work before he leaves for the airport so he can meet everyone, and then we can maybe get something to eat before he leaves.
I'm really excited to have him here and see him! But I also don't want to get my hopes all up that I'll see him a ton, because I know my brother and he's so much like my dad in some ways and so stupidly practical and business-like. And I can see him saying about Tuesday night that he'll relax in his room and get a good night sleep so he can be all ready for the day and pack for leaving and not be too tired. And I can see him saying on Wednesday that he can see me for ten minutes but then he really wants to get on his way to the airport so he can be there early and blah blah blah. So I hope he surprises me. Still though, when he told me a few weeks ago that he'd be here he said we could "hopefully meet for dinner one night", either Monday or Tuesday. And I was thinking, "what the fuck, you're my brother and we should have dinner both nights and spend as much time together as possible just having fun!" So we'll see. But I'll definitely be seeing him tomorrow night!
I slept a ridiculous amount today. I couldn't fully wake up this morning, no matter how many times James and Emma walked over me and cried. I finally managed to wake myself up at 12:30 p.m. And I was having wild dreams, too. Tons of them. I did good, though, in making myself leave my apartment. Normally when I wake up late and am feeling sad and lacking in confidence, I just hide out in my place. But I promised a friend who called that I would get out and get some sunshine and enjoy the good weather. So I decided to go to Borders and get a certain John Prine CD that I was having trouble downloading, and also stock up on some cat food for the babies (when I'm having my self-confidence issues I need a plan or I get too nervous to leave the house).
On the way to Borders I stopped in a couple little shops and got two little necklaces that I can wrap into bracelettes, and also a really cool necklace - I've been on the lookout for forever for a simple, elegant yet cool necklace that I can wear all the time, and I may have found it in this. I'm excited! Then I did what I planned and got the John Prine CD and also a Kris Kristofferson CD - he's hard to download, too. And then I got a bunch of cat food - and it was on sale, too! Yay! And there were three of the cutest little kittens for adoption there. I seriously wondered how James and Emma would handle a little brother and sister. But then I came back to my senses and remembered that 1) their happiness is my most important thing and they wouldn't like other cats coming in and 2) if I did get another cat or two, I would adopt adult cats from shelters to give a home to sweet babies without one.
So anyway though, to summarize - I'm upset about not going to John Prine and feel bad about myself because I couldn't go, but I had an okay day today and am proud of myself for getting out and doing a few things despite my lowly mood and sadness and lack of confidence. And I'm excited to see my brother tomorrow, and also excited to see everyone at work tomorrow - I emailed them all an album I made today of our lunch outing to a Mexican restaurant in Pilsen on Friday (The Meat started talking to a random guy who sat by us on the L and the guy ended up following us to the restaurant, sitting with us and ordering food, and then told us when the check came that he conveniently forgot his wallet in his car in Lincoln Park, where was staying with friends. He was also a conspiracy theorist, supposedly produced documentary films, took a million pictures of me with my camera, and did possibly the worst Dubya impression I've ever seen because it wasn't an impression at all but just the guy giving a speech that maybe Dubya would make. Oh - and to top it off, he had the most disgusting feet known to man - complete with grossly yellowed nails and sores all over - and I of course managed to take a picture! So anyway, we had great laughs all afternoon, and we'll have more reliving of it tomorrow when everyone's looking at my photo album!)
I'm feeling much better now, and looking forward to tomorrow! And having both James and Emma sleeping on the couch beside me right now doesn't hurt at all in making me happy!
