Taking a step can be really sad

I found a job that I'm going to apply for - well, I got an automatic email about it yesterday. I talked to The Meat about it today, and he's hooking me up with a friend of his who works at this place, so I can talk to the guy and find out more about the job, the place, all that. But first, I need to do some quick reading so I know the right questions to ask and so I don't sound like an idiot. I talked to Asparagus for a bit tonight because he is familiar with this area of law, and he clarified some things for me. I have two weeks to get my application all ready and sent. And the job sounds like it could be interesting, and would certainly be new to me so I would have a lot to learn, which is good. And it pays a lot more, which is a wonderful thing.

A few minutes ago, I was thinking about it all, and then thought about leaving my current job and everyone there, and I burst into tears. I haven't even opened up my resume yet, and I don't know how good my chances are at even getting an interview because I don't have any experience in this area of law, but just the thought of leaving everyone is already giving me stress. And the thought of being replaced. And forgotten. And being so lonely and missing them all so much. They're like family to me, and I love them all in their own ways and love being at work because of them.

I know it's something I need to do. I know I need a new job and I can't stay where I am for forever. And it even causes me stress by staying there. But fuck, just the thought of not being around them every day, and of missing all the little things - it makes me feel like my heart is being ripped apart. And I know I need to grow up and take a step, but it's so hard at the same time.

This is all making me so upset here, even just writing it is causing all my weepiness to come back and the tears are flowing all over the place. Change is hard for me, especially when it's thinking about not spending every weekday with the people who I've come to adore over the past almost four years.

So one off-topic thing: I'm hearing this all over now - "Brokeback" used as an adjective. Example: "That's so Brokeback!" It's both funny to me and also not funny at all. But definitely interesting how quickly this has popped up all over the place. Of course, I might be behind the times and people could have been saying this for a month now. I was just reading a little play-by-play on the State of the Union Address on Wonkette, and she wrote how Wolf Blitzer commented on how "good" Dick Cheney (devil) looked, and questioned, "Brokeback correspondent?" So yes, it's definitely entering mainstream vernacular.

And speaking of the State of the Union Address, I had it on but wasn't really listening. Just seeing all the pawing and ass-kissing when everyone was walking in was disgusting, let alone all the ridiculous clapping and standing. And Devil Cheney's evil stare throughout the speech. And Bush's stupid expressions and all the bullshit spewing forth. But I digress.

My eyes are a little sore right now, but my little venture into discussing Bush's speech has at least taken my mind off the sad stuff a little bit. I'll go read in bed now so my mind will stay otherwise-occupied.

Little Brother

I'm so tired so this will be quick! My eyes want to close and my head wants to hit my pillow!

I just got an email from my brother. I had tried calling him earlier tonight and just got voicemail so I was starting to worry. He has a staph (sp?) infection and my mom has been updating me and reading me his emails to her for the past few days, and I've been getting more and more nervous. He apparently got it through his chin when he popped a zit! His chin is all swollen, and he said something just now in his email about other little sites on his chin. He also got a little cut in his nose (from the nose hair trimmer) and that got the infection and he said it hurt so much, and he was blowing out all kinds of gross shit. Oh, and the rims of his eyes were all red. (By the way, my brother's name isn't Tommy and neither of us look at all like this picture, but I thought it was cute! And I borrowed it from this site.)

Since he just moved to Atlanta three months ago, he doesn't have a doctor, let alone one that knows about his terrible immune system and medical history of getting pnemonia (sp?) a few times a year since he was a little boy. So the asshole doctor he went to on Friday didn't give him any antibiotics at all, since my brother is young and the infection would, according to the doctor, just heal itself. On Sunday it had gotten much worse, and that's when it was spreading I guess around his chin or something (you can tell I'm not a doctor) so he called the emergency number of this medical group and a different doctor called in the antibiotics.

He's been regularly taking his temperature, and so far no rise, so that's good. And in his email he said he's starting to feel better so he knows the antibiotics are working. I told him he should move back up here where the germs will die in the cold! Seriously, he got a staph infection from popping a zit!!! WTF!!!?

He also got bad news last week regarding his job. There's a rumor going around that the company is going to go public soon and will likely get rid of his department so the profits will appear higher and they'll get a higher IPO price. He's been there for only 3 1/2 months, and now he's getting his resume ready to start looking for a different job. Oh and one other thing - last week he had a couple moles on his back scraped and biopsied, and they came back as irregular so he has to get them removed. TSIL just had a couple moles of her own come back as irregular so last week had two removed and four more biopsied. My poor little brother! He doesn't need more stress!

Other than all that, I had a pretty good day - a semi-busy schedule, interesting stuff, some laughs, and talking with The Meat about our weekends and moods and such. And I was more happy than not. And James just came up for cuddles! So nothing spectacular, and I've been lazy all night, but it was a pretty good day.

Sunday night stuff

WTF - it's Sunday night already! I've decided that everyone really should have 3-day weekends EVERY weekend. Two days just isn't long enough.

I'm in a bit of an odd mood tonight. I'm kind of frustrated because I want to be doing something fun and also productive in a way, like reading, or getting my paints out and attempting to make art, or starting to write a story I told The Meat I'd write, or getting my guitar out and working on getting my calluses back. What I don't want to be doing is sitting like a lazyass on my couch, TV on, and doing nothing worthwhile. (Of course, writing this right now is not in that "not worthwhile" category)! I'm the laziest person! I'm going to do one of those productive things I just mentioned, but I can't decide which one and I need to get off my ass to start!

Also, I'm usually happy on Sunday nights because I completely enjoy going to work on Monday mornings - the company of everyone there is more fun than being alone in my apartment. But I'm not excited like I usually am. I've been kind of down on myself for the past week, and the feeling hasn't gone away yet. I feel not good enough, not fun enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not quick enough, not nice-dressed enough, not happy enough, just not up to par. It sucks!!! I need to have a serious talk with myself. Because for the past couple weeks I've been falling back into an old habit of mine - looking elsewhere for affirmation instead of looking inside and being truly happy with myself as I am. When I start looking outside, it becomes a terrible cycle, and in the past has been quite harmful. I need to reread all the quotes in my bathroom!

I guess it also doesn't help that I'm listening to a bunch of lovey-dovey romantic songs right now, so I'm turning that music off right now!

Today, I went with FireCracker to see Syriana. We went to a little old theater by Lincoln Square, and tickets there are only $5 before 6 pm, every day!! Kick fucking ass!!! I'm always going there from now on! I thought the movie was really good and I'm always so intrigued by how countries are really run and the interactions between governments, and thinking about what is really going on behind the scenes, and the massive corruption and bullshit that most of us probably have no idea goes on. And it oftentimes pisses me off - that the people who really control things aren't ever held accountable even though they often do terrible things and care more about money and power than about making the little people's lives better. Anyway though, I'll get off my soapbox! I had fun seeing FireCracker, and fun seeing the movie!

Yesterday The German came over and made the most delicious breakfast for us!! He brought eggs, onions, a red pepper, bacon, and goat gouda, and made us the tastiest fritatta/scrambled egg mix that ever did exist! And he also brought a couple of clementines and laid the little pieces out on our plates as well. So nice! Afterwards we laid together on the couch and took a little nap for half an hour, and that was nice, too. I love laying my head on a strong shoulder, my hand on a guy's chest and his arm around me - it's so comfortable and comforting at the same time.

Then last night Florida and Asparagus picked me up and we drove to Andersonville to C and S's house. Piano Man was also there, and I gave him CDs with all the pictures from last weekend - I worked really hard yesterday afternoon altering many of them with Photoshop Elements, which I opened yesterday for the first time. After a little while chatting, we all headed out and walked in the rain to Charlie's Ale House for dinner. By the way, Clark Street in Andersonville is just so cool, and I keep meaning to explore the area more! Dinner was great fun and we had interesting conversations and many laughs! By the time Florida and Asparagus dropped me off at midnight, we were all yawning like mad - I'm getting tired so early these days!

And now, because they make me so happy, a couple pictures of my babies from yesterday while The German was cooking!! James was telling me to stop taking his picture already, and little Emma was hiding under the bed, as she usually does when The German is here:

They're so cute!!!!! And James has just jumped on my lap and is laying on me and purring away - I'm such a happy kitten-mama!!!

Butter, personal training, Brokeback Mountain, baby names, and sex songs

I was a naughty girl again last night :)

SP came over for a fun couple hours! When he first got here, he had me get a stick of butter from the refrigerator and we retreated to my bedroom. I laid naked on the bed, and he rubbed the butter all over me, starting with my neck, then generously coating my boobs, all over my stomach, my inner thighs, and then my happy place :)

The butter felt really good - I liked the cold against my skin - but I wasn't a huge fan of the smell of it as it warmed up a bit. I did like when SP had me sit on the edge of the bed with him behind me, facing the mirror doors of my closet, and I watched as he ran his hands all over my shiny buttery skin! And I didn't like when I went down on him and he initially tasted like butter - I almost gagged at the overwhelming taste and had to call up more of my own spit to dilute the taste. So anyway, that was my new experience for the night!

And in other news, my whole body is wonderfully sore, not due to sexual activity, but because I had my free personal trainer session with G on Thursday!!! I LOVE feeling sore after working out! He had me ride the bike for five minutes to warm up, then we went to a corner and did stretches first and then squats and lunges. We jogged once around the track and then went to the weight machines where he worked my legs so much and my chest and triceps as well. And then we went to the personal trainer section for the hardest part - squats and leg lifts using a step, running up and down the step, balancing on the half ball while lifting a bar for my back, laying and doing chest exercises, and then a bunch of really hard ab exercises.

I've decided that I'm going to use part of my new savings account to buy some sessions with G. I'm justifying it this way: the money is for either travel or something that I really want or just to keep saving. First, I have no one to travel with and so no immediate plans to go anywhere. And second, I wouldn't want to go to any warm locale anyway until I get myself in more perfect (like that?!) shape. And also, this getting in shape thing is an investment in my future - my health, my self-image, all that stuff. So it makes sense to use some of the money to jump-start my getting in shape. I don't push myself as much as G will, and also I get intimidated sometimes when at the gym. And also, I only do the things I know how to do. So I need to get my confidence up for when I'm there.

TIC and I initially looked into doing the personal training together so we could each have a cheaper rate. But when G started giving me quotes, I knew it would be too much for TIC to spend. And she's doing so good anyway with working out on her own. So I'm trying to figure out how much of my savings account I want to use. The three months is definitely out. The two months would use up almost my whole savings, so that's out. So I need to get a separate quote from him on 6 weeks/12 sessions, and 4 weeks/8 sessions. And I'll decide between those. I'd like to only use half of my savings account, so I may end up doing the one month plan. And really, in one month I'll have a really good start, my body will have started changing, and I'll have learned what to do on my own, so that should be completely adequate.

For a little laugh, check out THIS - the husband of the year awards. Of course, I would refer to them as the men I would like to kick the shit out of awards.

On Thursday night, TIC and I saw Brokeback Mountain. And holy shit, it was the best movie I've seen in so so so long. It was amazing! So touching, so real (and I'm talking the characters and the relationships, not the sex or anything like that). About half an hour from the end, I had tears running down my face and then a few minutes after that more tears, and later more tears, and by the end I really wished I was watching it in my own home so I could have a full-on weep. I turned to TIC and told her the obvious - that I couldn't stop crying. And my eyes were watery and red for the rest of the night. And I keep thinking about this movie. That's the real indication of a great movie - when it doesn't leave you when you leave the theater. I would highly, highly recommend it, and I also want it to win all the big awards. Of course, I haven't seen most of the other films that have been nominated for big awards so far, but this movie was so touching and so incredible and so well done, that it deserves to win.

I fell asleep on my couch again last night. This week I've done that I think 3 times. And each time is because I get so tired reading a new book that I just started: The Shadow of the Wind. It's not bad or anything, and it's supposed to be a fantastic book, but I just get tired reading it. So last night I fell asleep at 10:30, I woke up at 5 a.m. but was too tired to move from my couch, and I got up at 8 this morning. The German is coming over sometime soon to cook me breakfast, and then I need to work on organizing and perfecting all the pictures I took of the band last weekend, cause I need to give CDs with all the pictures to Piano Man tonight - Florida, Asparagus, myself, Piano Man, and two others are going to dinner, which will be such fun!

Oh - yesterday I got a hair trim at the Aveda Institute and I found another name to go on my potential-baby-name list! My stylist's name was Neda, which is Croatian and means hope - how cool is that! Foreign names are always my favorites!

Oh - I was going to tell the songs on my sex playlist! I'm always on the lookout for more, so let me know if anyone has any! Here they are:

- Red Light Special by TLC (goes back to sophomore year in college)
- Doin' It by Whatshisname (I always blank on his name, but he's so hot and the song is so incredibly hot!)
- Je t'aime...Moi non plus by Serge Gainsbourg (with Brigitte Bardot - in French, about sex, so sexy and includes lots of heavy breathing)
- Simply Beautiful by Al Green (such a sensual song)
- Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye
- Chains and Things by B.B. King (it's just sexy)
- Strokin' by Clarence Carter
- You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate
- Wild Thing by Tone Loc (a bit silly, but I like it)
- Sex Me by R. Kelly (I'm not sure I'll keep this on when I redo my iPod, cause it has that early 90's sound)

Give me more suggestions, I need more hot songs!

I have to go shower now, The German just called...

My babies, the party, and Saturday morning :)

I just gave little James and Emma kitten treats as a reward for them being patient while I cut their claws. James hides his head against my arm while it's his turn, and Emma makes a lot of little mewing cries when it's her turn! My sweet babies are so cute!!!

I went to my friend's surprise 30th birthday party tonight, and it was really nice! And he was mostly surprised (I heard, since I got there a little late)! My friend (his wife) J.Wu did such a good job planning it, and it seemed like everyone there had a good time. And the cake was so yummy!!!

I felt a little uncomfortable when I first got there, kind of like I didn't belong. But then again, the whole afternoon I'd been having that feeling, for no apparent reason. I talked with J.Wu first and felt a little better. And after awhile, I went and sat with some of my friends from law school. I talked a lot with a friend who I'll call Jayhawk, and it was really good to talk and catch up with her. Another girl who I used to be friends with was mostly ignoring me, and it was very obvious, which made me feel just slightly like I was back in high school again. But it was still all very good!

As I just mentioned, I was feeling a bit off during the afternoon. First I'd feel good, then like I didn't belong for some reason or like I was blending into the background. I was kind of having self-confidence issues, and it didn't help that a co-worker was being teased by The Meat and complimented on her shoes by someone else and she seemed to be the center of attention all afternoon. But enough about my poor mood issues!

I need to get to bed, but I'll give a little recap on the beginning of my Saturday morning (my ultimate force fantasy was delayed to another day, so don't get your hopes up - although it was still fantabulous, and very intense!)(oh, and one other thing before I begin - I'm feeling quite sleepy so I know this recap isn't going to be nearly as descriptive or hot as I'd like it be - but I'm blaming it on my sleepiness!):

SP knocked and I opened the door, and gave him my sly smile. He had come a little early so I still had on yoga pants and a little yellow zip-up jacket. He took off his coat and hat and then took my hand and led me to the bathroom, where he turned me to face the mirror as he stood directly behind me. He does this often, but usually in the middle of our play or right afterward - he likes to show me how flushed my face is, and how beautiful I look with that flush, wild hair, and the general look of passion all over me.

But this time, his hands shot up to rip the zipper on my jacket down and roughly moved up my stomach to grab my breasts and then moved back down my stomach and back up again - his hands were rough and moving quickly all over me, and he was already breathing heavily in my ear. I was so entranced and so instantly in a completely different zone - which was so incredibly turned on that I can't even begin to put it into words. I looked into his eyes in the mirror. I watched his hands moving over my body. And then he spun me around, lifted me and sat me on the counter, pulled my legs out, pulled my pants off, and I'll leave the rest to sweet imagination :) I get hot whenever I think of it, of watching in the mirror as my cheeks flushed, as his hands moved all over me - it was so hot!

And one little funny part that made me laugh - at one point I was laying on the bed, he was leaning over me while I sucked, and he pulled out of my mouth as he came - but a nice squirt went straight into my eye!! It stung at first but by the time he was finished, my eye was okay again - and then I was laughing - it's something I've seen happen in porn more than a few times!

I need to go to sleep now! And I'll think happy thoughts as I fall asleep!!!

Sleepy and other stuff

I'm sleepy! I just woke up from a bit of a nap on the couch and managed to bring one load of laundry downstairs. Because tomorrow after work there's a bit of a surprise 30th birthday party for a friend from law school, and I'll be seeing some old friends who I haven't seen in over a year and a half, so I need to look cute and as hot as possible!! And I needed to wash the shirt I'm planning to wear tomorrow! So stressful, this kind of thing!

Last night I was reading on the couch and got so tired, so I shut my eyes around 9:30, knowing that I'd fall asleep for a bit. James woke me up at 4:45 a.m. for some cuddling, and I managed to finally drag my sleepy ass to bed for a couple more hours of sleep. Right now all I want to do is go to bed. I'm just going to type a short thing as I wait for the washer to be done so I can move the clothes to the dryer.

I re-started working out yesterday!!! Yay me!!! TIC and I went during lunch yesterday, even though I hadn't eaten anything so was pretty weak. And we went again today. And today I met with the personal trainer who yesterday gave me crap for riding the bike at level 1 while TIC next to me was at level 5 - yes, I know, but I was feeling weak!!! Today, he took all my measurements and weighed me and I held some machine to give me my body fat percentage, and then I told him what my goals were and all that. And on Thursday I'm getting a free workout with him! But I'm a bit nervous cause I really don't LOVE cardio besides walking fast on the treadmill, and he told me he was going to work me very hard and that I'd maybe be needing my inhaler. Depending on how it goes, though, I'm thinking of using a very small bit of the money in my new savings account to buy a few sessions with him, because I need a jump start on this getting in shape thing, and to have a plan of sorts developed for me. Otherwise I don't push myself, and I'll get really discouraged if I don't see results right away, etc. He even said he'd email me with meal plans and stuff. And he flattered me by telling me that I look good, but he can help me look fabulous - in so many words. Of course, the one thing he hasn't discussed with me is price, so I'll have to see about all this.

Oh I'm sleepy!

At 4:30 this afternoon, my boss came out of his office, ready to leave. And told me that he'd just heard from his wife, who'd just gotten back from a doctor's appointment, and the biochemotherapy that she's receiving for her melanoma (which has recently metastasized (sp?) into her lungs) isn't working. She's had two out of a possible four treatments so far. But because it isn't working, the doctors aren't going forward with the third treatment. My boss said that "they'd now look into other alternatives", but from everything he's told us, this biochemo was kind of the last big thing. He was calm when he told me all this, in a sort of shocked way. The hardest thing for me was that his eyes were red, so I know he'd been crying. It broke my heart. His wife is only 52, and her options have really run out. I don't know what they'll be trying now, but I imagine that it would only be something meant to slightly prolong her life, because a cure seems out of the question, barring a miracle. I feel so awful for them.

I'm ridiculously tired! My laundry must be finished in the washer soon, so I need to see to that and let myself sleep!

My weekend (most of it) with pictures!

I thought this was really funny:

In other news, guess what I bought today? A new toy: the Hitachi Magic Wand!!! Oh how exciting it is! And yes, I have of course already tried it out, and I can report that it worked quite well, more than once! :)

I spent the day today with The German. He came over around noon and we walked to Nookie's for breakfast, and then, since it was so nice outside, we went walking all over. We stopped at Kinko's so he could make a color copy of his passport - he's finally getting his green card after having lived here for I think going on nine years, and whatever agency the INS became requires a color copy. The Kinkos people let him do it, but said it's illegal for them to let someone make color copies of passports and they're supposed to confiscate the copies. But the workers were cool. One girl also told us that before FedEx took them over, Kinkos used to be so cool to work for - did you know that the guy who started the company started it in his garage while he was in high school or college, and the name comes from the guy's hair, which was "kinky" - I love fun tidbits like that! (By the way, I googled for a picture with Kinkos in it, and this one is just so random, with cops on horses, so it just had to be the one!)

Anyway, after Kinkos we made a stop at a little cupcake shop that I'd seen on a local news program. We shared a red velvet cupcake with real buttercream frosting and red sprinkles on top. It was gorgeous and tasted wonderful, but at a price of $3.25 per cupcake, I won't be buying too many!

And then, we went to The Pleasure Chest where I picked up my new magic wand!! We also spent a good twenty minutes in there just looking around. Some of those realistic male dildos (which the salesguy confirmed are bought mostly by gay men) are fucking horse dicks! I'm sorry, but I can't imagine a real non-horse male having an erect cock THAT long and especially wide as a couple of those things. And any gay male who is sticking one of those things in his ass must be completely torn up or have had some kind of surgery to widen his asshole! Enough said!

Our next stop was a little consignment store - The German is of course German, and he lives up to the stereotype of Germans being frugal! But, when we were there he saw a leather pageboy hat, with the original tags still on it, and he put it on me - and it looked so cute! He loved how it contrasted with my hair, and I loved that I felt like I could kick some ass when I had it on (it makes me think of a biker chick), so he bought it for me! I've worn it for half the night while just sitting here at home! And yes, I know I'm a dork :)

And now I have a confession. When we got back here I called my cable company cause I've had problems connecting to my internet through the router (I'm plugged directly into the modem right now, so sitting on the floor) and while I was on with the guy, The German opened my little zip-up jacket and started sucking on first one tit and then the other. And then pushed me over the arm of my chair and kept sucking while I told the guy thank you and goodbye. Then he spread a blanket on the floor, plugged in the magic wand, pulled off my pants, and sucked on my boobs and fingered me while I played with my new toy.

For some reason, I never say no to him when every once in awhile he decides to give me pleasure. After I got off, I reached over toward his pants and he said "no, this was for you." He's said that before, too, and I have NO IDEA what is in his head. Most men would be jumping to take off their pants. The good thing for me (emotionally) is that I wasn't really turned on by the fact that it was him touching me. I was comfortable as I'd be with a good friend, but not all excited per se about it being him. And I had no lovey dovey feelings afterward, nor did I want him to stay longer or to cuddle. So that's good! But I still didn't say no.

Okay, enough about that. Yesterday was a great day as well. I'll get to morning activities later, but last night Florida, Asparagus and I took a field trip to the 'burbs - Naperville, to be exact - to see a friend's band play. And I was the photographer, and snapped over 300 pictures (most of which are crap)! I have to go through them all and pick out the good ones and do what I can to make them even better, and then the band members will all get a CD of them. I love being a photographer!

But before we went to the bar, the three of us walked all around downtown Naperville, which is actually pretty cute. All the trees had pretty lights on them, so it seemed like a magical little area. Of course, almost every single store and restaurant is a chain, but at least the area was cute. And we also walked along the river on the little river walk, and it was really pretty, and the fresh snow on all the trees made it even prettier. After that we walked around trying to find a restaurant for forever, but they all had huge waits, until we walked in a little Mexican restaurant, which turned out to be the perfect place because if it is a chain, I haven't ever heard of another one!

And the other thing - I had such fun! Starting in the car ride out there, continuing as we walked around and then as we ate dinner, we all laughed so much! And I found out that they didn't know the meaning of Santorum (as in the alternative meaning for Republican Senator Rick Santorum's last name), and in case anyone else doesn't know, I will do my part to help spread the knowledge: By the way, when you google Santorum, the first site is the one spreading this lovely alternative meaning! And when you do a google search under images, all sorts of hilarious things come up! So anyway, we had a lot of fun talking about that, and all kinds of other elementary humor! It was great!!!! The whole night was such fun!!

Okay, my Saturday morning romp and list of my favorite sex songs will have to wait until tomorrow, cause I need to go to bed now!

Not for the prudish

OMG, my self-confidence is mostly back now, and I'm also just so incredibly, and so happily horny! I have to write about this before I go play. First of all, all day I've been having very detailed sexual daydreams, starting in the morning while getting ready, then on the bus on the way to work, more of them while sitting in the meeting in my boss's office, etc. But the excitement has just been escalating exponentially! On the bus ride home tonight, I switched my iPod to my sex playlist and let my mind go to town. My panties were all squishy by the time I stood up. Here's what I was thinking about:

A couple days ago I was talking on the phone to SP, and he asked me what my most trusted fantasy is - the one I can always go back to while playing and that will always get me off. It's a toss-up really, between two that are equally hot, and absolutely always get me excited. The first - the force scenario. Rough, forceful, a little demeaning. The second - having sex while others can see, or even better, while others are actively watching. God!

So guess what? SP had the wrong weekend initially, and he's not going away this weekend after all! Instead, he's coming over here tomorrow morning. And we're going to playact the first of the two fantasies. Yes, that's right - the force one! A few weeks ago he surprised me by slamming me into the wall as soon as he came in, ripping off my pants, etc. And it was so hot! This time, it's going to be much rougher. Oh.My.Holy.Fucking.Shit!!!! I cannot wait!

Starting off blue and now I'm a little better!

I'm feeling blue. Very blue and blah and a bit sad and lonely and left out and depressed. It sucks, and I know I should be happy, because life is great! But I can't get out of my funk. Hormones are partly to blame, and also lack of sleep is partly to blame. I stayed home from work yesterday in order to get the opinion completely finished, and I ended up doing shit all day long, and started in with it at 2 a.m., so I had another night with no sleep. Over the past couple weeks everyone has seen ample evidence of my procrastination abilities and ability to just fucking get nothing done over hours of time! I'm so frustrated with my whole self!

So here's why I'm sad. It's stupid, really: I haven't gotten my adequate fix of special time with The Meat. Sure, in the morning we were all standing around laughing and shootin' the shit. And The Meat filled me in on all that I missed yesterday. I sat in his office for about five minutes during the morning and we talked, but then we got interrupted. Our group had a speaker come over lunch, so no time then to talk. And then I was in my boss's office for over an hour sitting in on a meeting. It was finally too tortuous so I left and went straight in to see The Meat. And spent about half an hour with him.

Now, half an hour in his office talking should have been fine, but I didn't feel satisfied. We did more laughing and joking as opposed to soul-searching and serious, connected talking, and I think in my mood I need 1) some affirmation, 2) a reminder that I'm special, and 3) a reminder that he thinks I'm special. But I didn't really get any of it because we were lighthearted and having fun, and as a result I'm more blue than I was before. :( I hate female fucking shit hormones when they turn on me!!!! I hate feeling blue like this!!!! But dammit, The Meat is one of the most important people in my life at this moment, and certainly the most influential on me, and I need something to make me feel special again!

Okay - I interrupt the whine fest, because The Meat just came down to see if I was still here. He's finishing up some things so he told me to finish writing my blog (which he doesn't read, obviously!) and then come down and we'd walk out together. And I whined to him and told him I was feeling blue and icky and fat and ugly and my hair is looking flat and blah etc. And he did just what I needed him to do - he just pumped me right back up!!!! Not that the hormones have retreated all the way, but his pump-up has turned a little light on inside me!

And now, so I don't forget and can read this later tonight, here's what he said: even on my worst of days, which today isn't, I'm still a total babe. And I have everything going for me: I'm smart, funny, babe-a-licious (he was searching for the right word and I suggested this one, which he liked), compassionate, (he said a few more things that I can't exactly remember now), and then he said "You have it all, there's nothing more anyone could want," and he thought for a few seconds and concluded: "you have it all." And he was being completely serious!

So I'm still a little blue, and I'm going to miss him over the weekend, and my throat is a tiny bit sore, but The Meat has made most everything right in my world again. Of course, I hate having to rely on someone else telling me these things, but fuck it, the hormones aren't letting me tell myself today that I'm kick-ass, so I'm just going to believe what The Meat says until I'm back to my normal self!!!

BTW, The Meat has such sex appeal all over him today. Damn!

Funny stuff, sad stuff, and some random stuff

I'm so sleepy again!! And it's early (for me, at least) - only 11:00! But I'm exhausted, so that my eyes just want to close. And fuck, I was really planning on sitting tonight and tweaking the opinion and writing more. I was tired even when I got home so I relaxed and watched Lost (which was so good tonight!) and James keeps needing lots of love, my sweet baby! (Even now he's lightly scratching on my leg while laying at my feet.) I'm going to set my alarm for really early, I'm thinking 5 a.m., and try to get up then and have a couple hours with the opinion. Because of course I don't get much of anything done at work, although tomorrow I'm bringing my iPod so I can drown out other distractions and get actual work done.

There were moments of hilarity today, and also some moments of sadness. On the hilarity side, my boss got our little joke "letter" in the mail and about 50% of him suspected The Meat of being behind it, but the other 50% was thinking that maybe it was for real. I did such a good job of keeping a straight face, too!! We played along for a bit before having to come clean because we were laughing too hard. I took pictures of the letter and also saved it for posterity! We're now starting to brainstorm for our next little prank on him :)

One of the moments of sadness involved a lawyer who we see now and then. She's a little odd but very nice, although I've always personally found her a bit annoying. But that's totally beside the point. She used to be really overweight and over the past two years she's been on Atkins and has managed to drop a ton of weight. The Meat also helped her get a new job just a couple months ago, one that promised her a steady paycheck and health insurance. Today we heard that she has pancreatic cancer and six months to live. Oh, and she's only 45.

I was shocked for the first five minutes after hearing this news. And really sad, it's so incredibly sad. She's so young, and she's been making her life so much better. And now she has six months or less to live. She's Greek, so we've heard that her plan is to pack up and move to Greece until the end. We think she probably has family over there.

I get teary-eyed just imagining what she must be going through. And imagining what I would do if I were in that situation. When I think about telling certain people, I start getting choked up almost immediately. It's just so terrible, and so unfair - she's young and she's alive now, and soon she won't be. And the world will just go on. I hope there are people who will remember her often, because I don't like to think of anyone dying and just being forgotten. I know part of that is for selfish reasons.

I want to live until I'm 90 or 100 (in a relatively healthy state, of course) so that I'm able to live a full life filled with laughter and love and so many experiences - I want the whole rollercoaster ride, the exciting and long rollercoaster! And I want to have the opportunity to touch people's lives, so I won't be so quickly forgotten. I know it's a little silly, because life has to go on - the circle and all that. But it bothers me. And scares me a bit. And I wish I could have a full-body x-ray right now to make sure that there's nothing growing inside me that shouldn't be there. (That's nothing new - I often want that full-body x-ray, and wish I could get about 6 of them per year. I hate not being able to know if there's some tumor growing in me.)

In other news, my place has magically made itself so cluttered and gross again. It's amazing how easily I can mess a place up. I need to work on cleaning it tomorrow as soon as I get home.

I want SP to be able to come over soon, but I'm not sure when he'll be able to next come - he's going to be out of town this weekend, so we'll have to plan something different. I love our times here, because of the hot sex action and very interesting play that we engage in and also because of the sharing moments and physical, mental and emotional closeness. There's a wonderful connection and friendship as well as great sexual fun, and I know it's spoiling me quite a bit right now. But I think I'm okay with it for the moment and can handle it.

James is sleeping on the chair next to me now - I love how he follows me to whereever I am! I have "his" dining room chair pulled right next to mine, and placemats on it to make it softer for him, because he's always there when I'm sitting at the table. And little Emmalove just woke up a few minutes ago and is mewing for love - she always sits just out of reach and stares at me and cries a little until I get up to give her love, and then she goes running happily so I have to chase her down! And when I sit back down, she repeats the whole thing over again, she's so silly! I love and adore my little babies so incredibly much!!!! They are my little angels of happiness!

I'm off to bed now, I took way too long writing this! Please please please let me be able to get up at 5 a.m. so I can get some work done!!!!!!!

Sleepy!

I'm tired. And my head hurts right above each eye, so they aren't open very much as a result. I'm going to bed in about 10 minutes. I'm listening to John Prine's first album and can't stop listening to it over and over again.

I didn't go to work today but instead worked on the opinion all morning and then in the afternoon I got ready for a volunteer meeting that was tonight. I sent out some emails to the members and prepared the agenda and stressed a bit, and then went to the restaurant and we had our meeting. It went fine, and some of our good members were there who get stuff done and are generally very positive. We have a good gameplan for a fundraiser party in May.

However, even though it went well, these meetings just stress me out. First, because I hate being the president and having to "preside" as it were. Second, I often feel like I'm my shy 5th grade self again when I'm around these women. I'm fine with doing the little small-talk socializing with them, but I never really feel comfortable. And then when we discuss various things, I just sort of sit back and never feel confident in my opinions. Also, these women have been doing this stuff for much longer than I have, so they know a lot more. But I just feel little, small, shy, and icky sometimes by the time I leave, and I felt that way tonight. I know it didn't help that I was and am so tired and was really fading. But I just felt little, stupid, and every not-fun feeling you can think of afterward. I don't like who I am around them, how I feel so little, insignificant and self-conscious. Okay, no more whining. I'm boring myself just listening to it in my head.

I made good headway on the opinion today, and got a lot of stuff written down and went through everything. If the stupid meeting hadn't have been tonight I'd have spent the whole afternoon on the opinion and been in a really good place with it. However, I think I can do a lot tomorrow at work. I'm so looking forward to tomorrow so I can go to work and see everyone - today was way too lonely just sitting at home by myself! I talked to The Queen a little and chatted with The Meat for longer, talking about our weekends and whatnot. But I want to see them, especially The Meat. Having him around makes my day so much better.

Okay, I'm going to sleep now, I can't wait to feel my pillow, my cool sheets, and the perfect and wonderful weight of the comforter - oh, I'm off to go there now!!! G'night :)

Procrastination

I am a stupid MF-er again. It's about 1:45 a.m. and I woke up 45 minutes ago, so now I'm sitting down to work on this fucking opinion. I was so tired earlier, and James really wanted cuddling, so I laid down on the couch and he cuddled on top of me and slept. And I slept as well, although I only wanted to sleep until about midnight. So I'm sucking down some coffee and getting all this stuff laid out in front of me to begin re-tackling the thing. I hate how I do my best work at least starting things in the middle of the night!!

Now, I know I'm not going to be completely done by 6:30 a.m., when I should get in the shower, because there's a lot of stuff to go through here and organize and write. And normally I stay at home finishing the thing since I'm on a roll, and when I'm at work there are too many distractions. I could do that, and go in at noon.

BUT, on Friday, a few of us set in motion an absolutely fabulously perfectly amazing joke on my boss - we're sending him a fake letter that will freak him out, and he'll be thinking it's a fake, but not completely sure at the same time! His reaction is going to be PRICELESS!!! When I left on Friday, we had addressed the letter and put a stamp on it, and the plan was to send it through the mail to make it look legitimate. So if they actually put it in the mail, then it will probably get delivered tomorrow afternoon and I'd be there when the whole thing goes down, to see his reaction. But if they just put it in his mailbox without actually sending it, then he'll be opening it tomorrow morning. And I seriously have to be there when he opens it! So I'm thinking that I'll work until 6:30 and then shower and get ready like normal, but try calling The Meat before I leave (since he gets there early) to see what they did with the letter. Then I'll be ready to go in or I can stay and finish stuff here. Yes, I know my priorities are a little skewed - I should be worried about getting this done instead of worried about missing out on the joke going down - but I don't care! I just have to be there!!

I'm listening to one of the CDs I've downloaded - Lucinda Williams, Live at the Fillmore - and I'm absolutely LOVING IT!!! I've downloaded so many new things in the past couple weeks, so many great new things! However, I need to switch to my work music (ever since studying for the Bar Exam) - Radiohead. The only new thing I can listen to while working is Peter Gabriel's soundtrack to Rabbit-Proof Fence, which is just AMAZING!

I'm going to stop wasting time (oh, for example, spending ten minutes googling to find the picture that I put in this post) and hunker down now!! :)

Sleeping, football, and country music

Here's a picture from off my balcony tonight, so pretty!


It's a little after midnight and Florida and Asparagus dropped me off a few minutes ago - I went to their place at 8:30 tonight. Asparagus grilled some steak that was really good, and Florida made sweet potato casserole - I think it's called a casserole but now I forget, but it was so yummy!! And then she'd made some fudge and brownies that we had afterward. We watched the Patriots get beat by Denver, and just hung out and talked and it was wonderful - I always have such fun being with them and I just adore them!! And I love their cats, too!

What else did I do today? Very short answer - I slept. Last night I went to bed at 2 am, just cause I fuck around at night doing shit. And I slept until almost 6 this evening! 16 hours of sleep! I woke at 10 from the alarm clock and went to the bathroom but was so tired so went straight back to bed, telling James and Emma that we had to go back to kitten bed for awhile before food time. And then I woke up around 4 in the afternoon but didn't get out of bed. James came and cuddled for awhile but I was still so tired so I rolled back over and went back to sleep. I finally woke at 5:45 and laid in bed for 15 minutes trying to keep my eyes open, telling myself that I had to stay awake and get up. Even though I've only been up for about 7 hours, I'm sleepy right now, so I don't think I'll have a problem falling asleep in a bit. I had some weird dreams last night/today, too. That tends to happen when one is sleeping for 16 hours!

Yesterday was a fun day, both at work and afterward. I met Violet downtown after work and we took the L and bus west on Grand Ave. We had a leisurely dinner at a little pizza place and talked about a lot of things, which was really good and also very fun! Violet is just wonderful!

After dinner we walked a couple blocks to Betty's Blue Star Lounge, where we were going to listen to a 6-piece country band called True Historians, they are now playing there every Friday from 7-9. Hardly anyone was there and the band was just setting up when we got there. I took some pictures, trying to hold my hand really, really steady! Most didn't turn out, but at least I was able to get a couple that were okay. As the band started playing, Violet's volleyball friend and wife of a band member showed up, and some people she knew, so we had a little group at the table, which was fun! And Special K came a little later, too! The band was pretty good, they played mostly covers - I liked the Johnny Cash stuff! And the music was just fun to listen to! But the best part was when this girl Jessica went up to sing, sometimes singing harmony with the lead singer, and also singing a few songs on her own. She was amazing! She really sang, and put her all into it, and was dramatic, was fun, was just fabulous! I absolutely adored the last song she sang, and asked her afterward what it was - Lucinda Williams, Can't Let Go - which I set to download as soon as I got home! And I'm listening to one of her albums right now!

So anyway, the night was fun! And also, I think this was the first time I've been at a bar since I stopped drinking. Hmmm, yes I think it was! And I did really well! No temptation, but I will say that when the girl sitting next to me got a glass of red wine, the smell was so strong that I couldn't NOT smell it. And wine was my drink of choice. But still, even though the smell reminded me of the millions of times I'd drank said red wine, I wasn't necessarily wanting to drink any now. And as my mind was going through all these things, I was knowing that I wouldn't be drinking any of it anymore. I'm strong now, and it just won't happen again!

Here's a picture from at the bar:

Tomorrow is the big Chicago Bears - Carolina Panthers game. The Bold One and I are going to a little party in Logan Square with the southside guys we always go to White Sox games with. I haven't seen any of them since September, and they're all so much fun and such good guys (all in their 50's, so no romantic prospects) and I'm so excited to see them again!

But first I have to go down to work just to pick up a couple of large folders that I need in order to finish that fucking opinion that I was supposed to finish last weekend. I told EVERYONE at work that I'd have it done on Tuesday (no work on Monday in honor of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday), so I'll have tomorrow night and all day Monday to finish the damn thing and have it off my hands and out of my mind. And then onto the next one!

Anyway though, what that means is that I won't be sleeping any 16 hours tonight! My alarm will be set for 9:30 so I can watch my favorite Sunday morning political program while drinking my coffee and waking up! So now, I'm off to bed!

And here's a closer view from off my balcony:

Sex, fears, and other things

SP left just a little bit ago. We had wonderful fun - hot sex and also talking and sharing. I wish he could have stayed a little longer, but he had to get going.

At one point, after we'd just finished a session, a moment of sadness came over him and he started crying a little. At first he tried to hide it and excuse it, but ended up talking to me about some of what was on his mind. He needed a little bit of a cry, and to get some stuff out - I'm a big believer in letting it out sometimes. He shared some deep feelings with me, and some fears. I know he was still holding some back, but it really meant a lot to me. An incredible lot. He let me in and let me see another part of him that he usually hides from everyone else. I feel so honored and so happy for that.

I listened, and sometimes tried to say things that would make him feel better, but it's one of those things where nothing I say can really affect anything. It's just life, and certain worries he has. Just like we all have certain worries that we can't do anything about. I have certain ones myself, and nothing that anyone says can really change or take care of them. But it still helps to verbalize the worries sometimes, just so they don't get bottled up. I hope I was able to make him feel a little better by being there for him. By the time he left, he was back to his normal self. And had been for awhile, following more fun action and some laying in bed talking about random things. I just wish I could do something more, but there's nothing I can do besides be a friend when he needs one. He's such a special person, and I just want him to be in a good place. But I'm afraid now that his worries get to him more often than he ever lets on. And I feel so powerless to help him. I hate feeling powerless like this!

In other news, today was The Most Beautiful January Day Ever In Chicago! It was perfectly sunny and in the 50's, and just lovely and happy and smelling like spring!!! When I was at the bus stop in the morning, I closed my eyes and lifted my face to the sun, and felt it's warmth on my face! And it was wonderful! By the way, when I close my eyes like that towards the sun, what I see behind my eyelids is an orange lake, with the water gently moving and sunlight reflecting off it. Sorry, I know it's a bit off the subject, but I was so conscious of it this morning when I kept closing my eyes toward the sun!

I'm sitting on my couch right now and I keep looking around because my place is gorgeous! Last night I stayed up way, way too late, doing five loads of laundry and thoroughly cleaning my place. I love it when I get in one of those modes sometimes, because seeing everything so clean and straightened now makes me feel just wonderful!

Well, I can't think of anything else to talk about just now. I'm feeling a bit melancholy at the moment. Content, but melancholy. I'm going to go read for awhile.

Going Brazilian

I went for a bikini wax last night. At the Nail Bar, they have their "menu" which is quite cute. For example, there's the Brooke Shields (eyebrows), the Pete Sampras (arms), and the Schwarzenegger (chest). Cute, eh? For my wax, I chose the Bermuda Triangle and the J.Lo (yes, that means except for a little up front, it all comes off - including the back).

While this is nothing new for me, the position that the girl had me in while doing the butt was very different than what I'm used to. Usually for the butt, you lay on your stomach and the woman will have you pull first one ass cheek and then the other to the side so she can get at it all. But the way this girl prefers to do it, and really it does make much more sense and was easier for both of us, was to have me on my knees and elbows, with my ass sticking right up in the air. And only socks on the bottom of me. Interesting, yes!

I was actually laughing about it with her and asked if anyone minded. She said no, not even the (mostly gay) men who get their butts done. She admitted that she finds it quite amusing to have a guy in such a submissive position in front of her! So speaking of men, it made me wonder whether she waxes guys' balls as well, cause the logistics of that would be much more difficult - she'd have to get a good grasp in order to keep them still so she could first, fully cover the various surfaces, and second, rip off the strips without pulling the balls too hard. This is very perplexing to me! It must take awhile to get them all perfectly hairless! She said she prefers not doing the balls, but will if someone wants her to.

So anyway, it was interesting - a new position, and I asked her to tell me some of the stories of things she's seen, some interesting clients. After hearing just a couple stories I told her she should really be writing these things down, and she could eventually write a book - the sordid tales of a wax artist!

Oh - one other thing we talked about was the shapes. I asked whether anyone ever really got shapes, and she said not often but when they do it's usually just an initial, although she thinks they're kind of silly. She said sometimes someone will ask for a shamrock around St. Patrick's Day, but seriously, if I went through all the trouble to get a perfect little shamrock shape, I'd want to be showing it off, but of course it's not something you go showing to everyone! I'd have to tell people though, and if someone told me they had a shape, I'd be curious to see it! So I guess I'll stick to the basics so I don't go around showing everyone my more private bits :)

Nothing much else is going on. I bought a few new books last night, and I'm excited to read them. My opinion still isn't done but I've started on it. I'm taking a break tonight cause I'm so tired, but tomorrow I'll work on it both at work and especially tomorrow night, even if I have to stay up all night. Oh, and SP (Sex Prince - NWC helped me out with the name!) is coming over on Thursday night for some naughty fun!!!! I can't wait!!!! I want him to take some naked pictures of me, too - I told him so and he started planning poses already :)

I'll have more energy tomorrow so much more to talk about!

Computer problems and pictures

Motherfucker, I am STILL SICK!!! It's never going to go away! It's way worse in the evenings and at night, but I'm even clearing my throat all the time during the day as well. At night though, it's terrible - I want to cough so badly and it takes everything to keep myself from it. And anytime I need to take a deep breath it gets me in a coughing spell. This just sucks shit.

Last night my computer suddenly wasn't letting me get on the internet, even though it said my wireless was connected. And until now it wasn't letting me on either. Then all of a sudden it did. What the fuck? It's so frustrating when computers act up!

Today I have done a bunch of nothing. But I'm about to start going over everything for the opinion I need to finish writing tonight. However, I'll have to do it longhand because my Microsoft Word doesn't work. My computer came with just a trial edition of some teacher version of Word 2003, and it expired. Before I had to redo the entire computer, every time I opened Word it would ask me to register and I'd say no and I could still use it. But now, it locks Word up on me so I can't do anything. I've tried downloading various keys using emule, but none of them work.

Yesterday The German came over in the morning and played with James while I finished getting ready, and then we went out for breakfast. I took my camera with me since it was so pretty outside yesterday, with the sun out and the temperature not too cold. I took a picture of some of the beautiful brownstones along Fullerton:

Then we ate breakfast at Nookie's, which was fabulous, as always:

And then we walked around for a little while to enjoy the weather. On the way back we stopped in at a shoe store that was having a sale. The German got some very nice shoes at half price, and I got a pair of cowgirl boots - yay!! Ever since high school when we went on a family vacation to Wyoming I've wanted some cowboy boots. And since they are all the rage now, every company is making them so you can find very cool boots for cheap!! I bought a very cool cowgirl hat a few months ago, and now I have the boots - so all that's left is to learn to ride a horse like a real cowgirl!!

After The German left, I watched a movie and then occupied myself by reading all kinds of amusing stuff on the internet, and laughing hysterically at a particularly funny bunch of stuff. And then my coughing/throat issues started getting really bad and I spent the rest of the night trying to not concentrate on my throat.

By the way, I've been reading the best book! I think every single American should read this book, especially all who voted for Bush, which I didn't. I'm only a third of the way through so far, but Al Franken does an amazing job of showing how Bush, and of course those really in control - Cheney and Rove, used a campaign of fear, of smearing Kerry and the democrats, and the whole issue of gay marriage, to win the election. And the media are just as guilty as Rove at twisting things and reporting on things that never should have been picked up. I don't usually talk politics on here, even though I'm very interested in it all, but I did want to point out this book to people. It's important for all of us, even those who support Bush, to know how campaigns run by Rove work. And incidentally, I've been saying for months that Cheney is the devil, but I now think that Rove is the actual devil and Cheney is just his right-hand man. This book gets me seriously riled up at some points!

Alright, I'm going to get to work for a bit now! Even though I would rather do anything else other than work on this opinion right now. :(

Random stuff

I'm mostly better, but my cold is just hanging on, which pisses me off! It gets a lot worse at night, when I keep feeling like I have to cough or clear my throat (like I do now). My nose runs but just a tiny little bit, so it's almost pointless to have to blow it, but I still have to. On my way home tonight I got Robitussin and some Halls cough drops, so I'm trying to keep my coughing to a minimum. So hopefully I can get to sleep easily tonight!

I'm going to take it easy tonight and not feel bad about it! I'll just read, and listen to music, and go to bed in a couple hours. This weekend I have to be really productive because I'm going to finish a lot of stuff for work!!! I'm ready and set and in the mindframe! I'll drink lots of coffee and type and feel so good when it's all done. Yes, I'll feel incredibly good when it's done!!

Other than that I'm being really boring! I lost all my music when my computer crashed before I could back it up, so I'm downloading some of the stuff I lost, and this weekend when I take breaks while working, I'll get my CDs out and put those back on the computer. And learn how to back it all up on the iPod - I got a huge one specifically for that reason, but never learned how to use it to back things up!

The Meat was quite sexy today. I couldn't stop looking at his forearms! And Florida visited for awhile which I loved! And The Queen modeled his new outfit for us, which was hysterical! He fully admits that he's a "clothes-whore", and is so funny about it!

Oh - and little James is having poopy problems again, like he does every few months. Messy poopy problems, so I have to clean his little butt afterwards. But luckily, I have liquid medicine (flavored with tuna!) from the last time, so I don't need to spend money on a vet appointment. And I can't even tell you how happy I am with this liquid medicine! I just squirt it in his little mouth and give him a treat afterward. Before, trying to get a pill down his throat was an incredible fight! So hopefully my baby will be feeling better soon! :)

Can you tell I'm bored? I have nothing else, I'm tired and just boring right now! Hopefully tomorrow I'll be a bit more exciting!

Oh - yesterday was eight weeks since I've had any alcohol! It's both unbelieveable to me and so fantastic, and I don't know where I've gotten the strength to keep from drinking, but I'm so happy that I have!!! I am so much more whole and happy and hopeful since I've managed to stop alcohol from ruling my life. I cannot believe it though - 8 weeks! Yay me!!! And thank you so much to all my friends and blog friends who have been so supportive and helpful!!! I couldn't have done this all alone, I know that.

The sound of music

I need some music, too! My blog sounds so silent when I come back to it after visiting Paula, WDKY and NWC's blogs!! Way too silent!! (Of course, at work I have the sound turned off, so I don't notice the difference there, but at home it's deafeningly silent!) How do I do this music thing?

I'm staying home from work today. The cold has not gone away and my throat is still all swollen-feeling, my nose is running, and my ears are a bit plugged up as well. So I'll get lots of sleep, and do my laundry sometime during the day, too.

That's all for now, I'll go sleep more. I just had to talk about my lack of music though! And how I want to get some on here!

Used kleenex, cleaning, and quotes

I've been sick, poor me! Not terribly sick, but a sore throat and a bit of a runny nose and a general overall feeling of cloudiness and not-with-it-ness.

Yesterday I laid on my ass all day, but by the time I went to bed I had that terrible feeling of complete chaos in my life because my apartment was so incredibly cluttered and messy. It's a very real thing that when my home space is dirty and unorganized, my life feels exactly the same way.

So today I left work a little early and started cleaning almost as soon as I got home. I put all the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and filled the trash with other crap on the counter, and then thoroughly washed the kitchen. Then I cleaned the whole bathroom. Then got rid of all the clutter that was clinging to the floor in the living room, and organized the stuff to keep into their little file folders. I also finished cleaning out my computer armoire (I'd started on Saturday) and organized everything in there. I need to still take the trash out (you know, it's very hard to walk the ten feet into the hall to throw the shit out) and vacuum. And oh when I vacuum it's going to look just gorgeous in here!!!! And tomorrow I'll be able to wake up feeling fresh and ready to get things done! Yay me!!!!

A change of subject now - I absolutely love my little daily calendar. I keep it in my kitchen and every morning I tear off the former day to find a new quote. For the past couple years I've gotten the one called "Believing in Ourselves", which contains quotes all by women. When there's a quote that I particularly like, I keep it when I tear it off the next morning, and they slowly pile up. I found one such little pile in my armoire, so I went through and typed them all out. When I get enough to fill a page, I'll get another frame and then have four total frames of quotes in my bathroom!

A couple that I just typed are resonating with me still, and I guess are just pertinent to my mood right now, so I'm going to share:

When you learn not to want things so badly, life comes to you. - Jessica Lange

Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. - Katherine Mansfield

I have to think about those two a little more - I like them and I think both are really true. There's another one that I put in a post awhile ago, but I really like it, so I'm going to write it again - it's so positive and makes me feel like standing tall, lifting my chin, throwing my shoulders back, and charging forth:

No matter where you live or how old you are, you can decide to change your life. That's amazing! - Angelina Jolie

In other news, even though I was feeling QUITE out of it today, it was really nice to be back at work with everyone there. And it was especially nice to see The Meat. I missed him and his daily encouragement. And all the cleaning activity tonight has made me feel much better, along with all the tea I'm drinking, so tomorrow I should be more down on earth as opposed to flying high in the clouds! :) And now, just one more quote, a fun one, and I love it as well!!

Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Ulrich

A blah blah start to the new year

It's the new year, and I wish I could say I started it out by being super productive, but that's not the case. I did get up at 10, which was fine, but I've spent the day since then on the couch. I watched two movies - first, Phantom of the Opera, which I have never seen in any form and wasn't even sure of the story. I was weeping at the end. Then I watched Garden State, and although I love the movie and think it's so well done, it's so melancholy and made me feel that way as well. I do love the soundtrack though, and listen to it very often! Oh - and I've cuddled with James and Emma and worked on my dad's scarf while watching the movies, so that's at least doing something.

Now I'm trying to get rid of the melancholy and lonely and kind of sad mood that I've had most of the day. I'm thinking that I can blame it on either 1) hormones due to period or 2) the fact that I feel like I'm getting a cold - at least my throat is really feeling like it. But I don't want to be sad on the first day of the new year, cause psychologically it's a new start in a way!!! And I don't want to start out on a bad foot!!!!

So I'm determined to rally a bit, and since the movies are over, it's working a little! Yay! And so as soon as I finish this I'm going to set up my new printer, oh and then vacuum, too!! And then I want to get my paints out and paint something, hopefully something I'll like! I was so inspired because Violet posted a picture that her grandmother painted on her site, and it's just gorgeous! And makes me just itch to paint!

Last night at The Italian Chef's house was fun and laid back. And a few times I found myself just sitting back and listening to all the fun and animated conversation and wishing that my whole family lived on the same block as well. I think I'd like the constant company and having people around all the time, even though it would take some getting used to initally, since I'm used to being alone all the time right now. Anyway, we watched the ball drop in New York, and Florida, Asparagus, The Narcoleptic and I left soon after that, and I got home six minutes before our own new year, so I kissed James and Emma!!!

So now, I'm going to not think about being lonely and all by myself, and not wonder if I'll ever find love, and instead I'll put some happy music on and get off my ass!!! My mood is lifting already now!!! :)