Taking a step can be really sad

I found a job that I'm going to apply for - well, I got an automatic email about it yesterday. I talked to The Meat about it today, and he's hooking me up with a friend of his who works at this place, so I can talk to the guy and find out more about the job, the place, all that. But first, I need to do some quick reading so I know the right questions to ask and so I don't sound like an idiot. I talked to Asparagus for a bit tonight because he is familiar with this area of law, and he clarified some things for me. I have two weeks to get my application all ready and sent. And the job sounds like it could be interesting, and would certainly be new to me so I would have a lot to learn, which is good. And it pays a lot more, which is a wonderful thing.

A few minutes ago, I was thinking about it all, and then thought about leaving my current job and everyone there, and I burst into tears. I haven't even opened up my resume yet, and I don't know how good my chances are at even getting an interview because I don't have any experience in this area of law, but just the thought of leaving everyone is already giving me stress. And the thought of being replaced. And forgotten. And being so lonely and missing them all so much. They're like family to me, and I love them all in their own ways and love being at work because of them.

I know it's something I need to do. I know I need a new job and I can't stay where I am for forever. And it even causes me stress by staying there. But fuck, just the thought of not being around them every day, and of missing all the little things - it makes me feel like my heart is being ripped apart. And I know I need to grow up and take a step, but it's so hard at the same time.

This is all making me so upset here, even just writing it is causing all my weepiness to come back and the tears are flowing all over the place. Change is hard for me, especially when it's thinking about not spending every weekday with the people who I've come to adore over the past almost four years.

So one off-topic thing: I'm hearing this all over now - "Brokeback" used as an adjective. Example: "That's so Brokeback!" It's both funny to me and also not funny at all. But definitely interesting how quickly this has popped up all over the place. Of course, I might be behind the times and people could have been saying this for a month now. I was just reading a little play-by-play on the State of the Union Address on Wonkette, and she wrote how Wolf Blitzer commented on how "good" Dick Cheney (devil) looked, and questioned, "Brokeback correspondent?" So yes, it's definitely entering mainstream vernacular.

And speaking of the State of the Union Address, I had it on but wasn't really listening. Just seeing all the pawing and ass-kissing when everyone was walking in was disgusting, let alone all the ridiculous clapping and standing. And Devil Cheney's evil stare throughout the speech. And Bush's stupid expressions and all the bullshit spewing forth. But I digress.

My eyes are a little sore right now, but my little venture into discussing Bush's speech has at least taken my mind off the sad stuff a little bit. I'll go read in bed now so my mind will stay otherwise-occupied.