Happy Monday!

I'm getting the Christmas spirit!!!!! Seriously! It happened just now, because I looked out the window and it's getting dark, and it's only 4:18 - and that's like at Christmas!!!! On my way home I'm going to listen to the Christmas music in my iPod!!! Oh yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!!!!!

I'm in quite good spirits today. The biggest reason I can't really talk about, but I am flattered, reinvigorated, and reminded that I've got It as a result. And kind of excited, kind of nervous, and just happy! And I'll say it again, Reinvigorated.

I also went to the gym at lunch, so I'm feeling proud of myself and back in the saddle w/ regard to working out.

Also, the 4th Harry Potter movie comes out in less than three weeks, and "Rent" - the movie version - comes out on November 23rd. I saw a preview this morning for Rent and holy shit does it look amazing!!!

My fingers are also feeling wonderfully sore from practicing guitar, and I'm looking forward to practicing tonight again!

I just read Violet's blog, and she wrote about her reaction to watching Grey's Anatomy last night. I was planning on writing about the same, because I was weeping!!! Yes, full on can-hardly-breath, tears-streaming-down-face weeping. In case you don't watch the show or don't have it available to watch due to living in another country, it's a doctor show, set around a group of interns and their supervisors at a hospital. Yesterday's plot involved a train wreck (yes, I know, it's very TV-world) and two passengers who had just met had a metal pole go through their abdomens, so they were facing each other, both awake. The doctors knew only one of them would survive, depending on who they could leave the pole in while they slowly patched up. The one who got removed from the pole would die from blood loss. So the doctors had to make a decision as to who would live! Holy shit! They chose the older man because he had much less damage and a much greater chance of surviving at all. The patient who had to die was a young girl who was engaged. And she was so sweet, and cracking jokes, until they had to tell her in so many words that she was going to die. And she was so brave then!! It makes me want to cry now just thinking about it! Her fiance wasn't there for her to say goodbye to, and she was brave and said not to wait for him - all because the longer they waited, the higher the probability of the man dying. So she told one of the doctors a message to tell her fiance: "If love was enough, I'd be here beside you right now." I couldn't stop weeping - for the character, and for me too, just imagining being in that situation and knowing that I wasn't going to wake up after they put me out. And that I couldn't say goodbye to my parents and friends. I was going through in my head and thinking of what I would make the doctors write down to tell my mom, dad, brother, grandma, grandpa, and many of my friends. And imagining James and Emma without a momma. Shit. You can see now why I was weeping!!!!

Emmalove had two more outbursts of hissing this weekend. One just from me feeling around for furballs on her neck - my mom said it might have reminded her of the feeling of the bag handle around her little neck. And one when I picked her up near the kitchen and I think she saw the evil bag still sitting on the kitchen counter. She was good all day yesterday, and this morning. I'm still hesitant around her though, not wanting to pick her up too much. It was traumatic for me having her hissing at me! On Saturday night after she saw the bag on the counter, she turned around in my arms and hissed directed in my face, and then after I put her down and moved away to the middle of the floor in the living room, she crept toward the bedroom and on her way she stopped, looked straight at me, and hissed again. It broke my heart!!! And I burst into tears!!! She's normally the sweetest kitty ever, she doesn't have a mean bone in her little body. So I was scared that I had ruined her in some way by allowing there to be a bag in the house with uncut handles, and I was also scared that she didn't love me anymore. Luckily she seems to be back to her sweet little self, but it was hard on me having her hiss at me like that!!!

Last night I finished the book Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. I love his books. They make me think. And they have so many wonderful things in them. Halfway through I decided to start underlining and making notes along the way as I read it. I wrote up some stuff about it last night, but I'm not ready to post it just yet - needs some more analysis and editing. Last night I went back and started his most famous book, The Alchemist. It's been a few years since I last read it and I just remember finding it so wonderful for all the ideas in it.

I'm trying to decided what color base I want my new template to be, when I put it up. I asked The Meat this morning what color I was/my aura was. He said he had to think about it and would let me know. I also asked The German. His response came a few hours later, in typical The German fashion: "Your color is silly pink (like the girl's center)." Nice. Well that's for sure not what color my new blog template will be!

White Sox parade and plans for the weekend

Today we had the White Sox parade down LaSalle Street and a little rally for them! It was QUITE exciting!! TIC and I were outside with half of Chicago, cheering, and me taking hundreds of pictures. And all the excitement was tangible, you could almost cut it with a knife. And it was catching, too. I was a bit excited to go to the parade and hoped I'd get some good photos, but by the time the players came down in their buses, I was loving them, loving Chicago, loving team spirit, loving fall weather, loving blue skies, loving sunshine, loving confetti, and loving everything else that may have come into my mind as well! It was so much fun!!!


It's almost 6 and I'm still at work, cause of course I can't type anything at home, and I spent the afternoon going through all my pictures and making an online album - and I'll post the link here, too, in case anyone wants to see all the pictures I took today!

Tonight I have no plans. Tomorrow night Violet and Uganda are having a Halloween party and it sounds like fun! I still haven't completely decided whether I'll go, because everyone else will of course be drinking. But most everyone just drinks some, it won't be a boozing party or anything. And Tivo and her husband are going, and of course Violet and Uganda will be there, and I love all of them! So I think I'm going to try to go. And realistically, if I don't go that will mean that I'll sit on my ass and do nothing, and feel like a loser and quite lonely as a result. So I'll go!

I'll be reusing my costume from last year - a beer wench-type outfit, very cute and a bit sexy as well :) Tonight I'll pull it out cause I'll have to re-pin the lacy edge onto the short skirt, and also put tape around parts of the skirt that can be very itchy. And I have to make sure I still have my black ribbon to tie around my neck in a little bow! Now I'm getting excited!!! So Violet, if you're reading this, I'm coming!!!

This weekend I'm going to finish writing a couple things that I want to post on here! And I'll also clean tomorrow. And it's going to be fabulous weather, so I'll go out for a long walk along the lake! Sounds good and like a tentative plan!!!

Champion White Sox and Guitar Playin'

>Yay White Sox!!! For anyone who doesn't know, they swept the Astros in the World Series!! I'm so happy for all their lifelong fans, and I had such fun at all the games I went to this year. And it's so cool to have a Chicago team do so well! People at work were watching the television coverage of the Sox players getting off the plane at Midway this afternoon, and it showed the thousands of fans lined up all along the streets there. I'm not clear exactly on the city's celebration plans, but I know something is planned for tomorrow at noon. I think I heard something about a parade. And I think I also heard about some party in Grant Park, but I don't know if that's for tomorrow or not.

Well my fingers have recovered from the ass-kicking in guitar class last night. I'm determined to practice a little every single day from now on, both to get my calluses back and to get much faster with my chord changes. Last night was a rude awakening, because the teacher Arlo played all the songs at normal speeds as opposed to other teachers who went really slowly for us novices. But everyone else in class seemed to be keeping up! What the fuck!!!? I can understand with regard to the people who had Arlo last session, but what about everyone else? So anyway, I need to practice so I can keep up.

Arlo was really cool though, and we did three pretty cool songs. And he's encouraging us to email him songs that we'd like to learn, along with an mp3 of the songs, and he'll pick songs that he thinks can work for our class. And what's nice is that he has a website so he'll post all the songs along with mp3s of the songs, and sometimes in the past I've forgotten how a song went after I left class. He'll also post the songs we'll be learning a couple days before class, which is good so I can practice a little beforehand and be ready!

I had mentioned before that Arlo was cute, and he is, but unfortunately not a possible interest. And yes, I say this based only on superficial reasons. He's either shorter than me or the exact same height, and he's as skinny as a rail. But he seems like a good teacher, so it's all cool!

After the class portion of guitar, everyone goes into the performance hall and plays songs together, with the teachers leading us and singing in microphones and all that. It's pretty cool usually, but last night it was Kick Ass!!!! One of the teachers plugged in an electric guitar and played and sang Seasons of the Witch by Donovan and Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon. He was such a cool singer, the songs were so great, and he was jamming on the electric guitar - it was like a concert!! I was half playing along and half just watching him! And it was inspiring, cause I want to be able to play that way!!!

We had nothing up at work and half the people were gone, so I've had a lot of time to be very lazy! I spent a lot of time analyzing different templates by Caz, who is highly recommended by WDKY. I think I've found one I like, but I'd want to change the picture at the top. So I just need to find a picture that I like and then I'll be in business!! Yay!!

I've been in a rather tired funk this week, very very sleepy! Which is kind of why I haven't had much to write about and not to much of interest. I need a really, really good and long sleep!! I'll post one more White Sox celebration picture, and then I'm going to do the few little things that need to be finished before I can leave. Tomorrow I SWEAR I'll have SOMETHING more interesting to talk about!!

Kittens and other little stories

Last night I stayed up until after 1 a.m. - almost to the end of the Sox-Astros game. I saw the Sox get ahead in the 14th inning, and then as I layed in bed almost asleep, I heard some people far below me exit the bar cheering, so I knew the game was over and the White Sox won.

We had some kitten stress at home last night! Little Emma was creeping around in my hall closet, which she got into over the boxes sitting in front of it, and I heard a commotion and saw her backing out over the boxes and with a birthday bag, and then she went running like a bat out of hell into the bedroom, and then from the bedroom into the kitchen, all with the birthday bag attached to her and making a huge racket. One of the handles was probably around her little neck! By the time I got up and ran over there she was in the kitchen and the bag had come off her. She had peed on the kitchen floor a little bit, she was so scared. I scooped her up and held her and told her it was all okay, but her little heart was beating so fast.

James had been in the bedroom and he had come running out after her, and all his fur was standing up at attention and his pupils were almost completely dialated. But then when little Emma looked over my shoulder and saw him, she got the sing-song growl in her throat and she started hissing at him, and then at ME! I put her down and went to James, but he ran in the bedroom and under the bed. So I sat on the floor in the living room and little Emma was in a corner between my chair and couch, and James came creeping out of the bedroom into the hall, but didn't come further and eventually went back under the bed. So I cuddled Emma, whose little body was still very tense.

Two hours later I thought she seemed okay cause she had just been sitting on the couch with me, so I picked her up and took her to the bedroom and showed her James under the bed, and she hissed at him again! And ran out. I told James it was all okay and he was a good James baby, and followed her and picked her up. But James followed us out and she again set to hissing at him and then rearing back in my arms and hissing at me!

So I did what any worried kitten mama would do, and called my mom. She said Emma was just so freaked out by what happened, but didn't know what happened so I just had to work on calming her down. Luckily, soon after that everything worked out, because I picked Emma up again and just held her on the couch, and then James came out to investigate what was going on with his sister. He slowly walked up to us and she didn't hiss but did cry, and I kept petting her and telling her it was okay. And eventually I took her to the bedroom and set her in the litter box, but she jumped out and went to leave. I saw that James had followed us and was so scared there would be a little fight, but she walked right by him. After that they both sort of creeped around each other, and sniffed each other a bit, but it was all sorted out at least. My poor baby Emma had a very hard little kitten night.

My haircut yesterday went wonderfully and my hair is so healthy and pretty and the layers are back in it and it has body and I am quite, quite happy!! I love that place! $13 and I get a professional haircut, just from a student. And the teacher checks it all out afterward and makes any corrections. The first thing they do is to put oil on the scalp and give you a bit of a headrub, it is just HEAVEN!!!! I want someone to do that to me for an hour!!! And the shampoo room is so nice and warm and has aromatherapy floating around in the air. I gave the girl a $7 tip and then stocked up on my Aveda shampoos and conditioners, which cost considerably more. But smell sooooooooo good in the morning, and make my hair both look good and smell good throughout the day! Which is of course very important and worth the extra money I spent.

The Meat brought a recent picture of his oldest son in today - he's 19. I've met him a couple times and he takes after his dad COMPLETELY in the sex appeal way. Fuck!!! I so wish that guy was a few years older, cause he is SO hot, and SO sexy, and I would SO love for him to fuck me. But of course, I'm 29, he's 19, and that is too much for me. But when The Meat said his son could probably teach me a few things, I got a tingle down below and made a photocopy of the picture to keep for myself and my play time :) When I told The Meat that his son is my ideal picture of hotness, he said he should show me a picture of himself when he was young. I told him that I had no doubt he had it going on then, since he still does. And I can tell that his son gets the bad-boy swagger and innate sex appeal from his father.

Tonight my guitar lessons start. My teacher's name is Arlo - and yes, according to his online bio, he was named after Arlo Guthrie. I'm excited. But didn't practice last night since James and Emma don't like the guitar and I didn't want to disturb the already fragile sense of peace we'd reached. So, as soon as I finish this, I'm going into my boss's office to practice my chords so I don't completely embarrass myself tonight. But I know that after two hours of playing tonight, my fingers will be ON FIRE!

It's fucking cold outside. And it's cold in the office, too. I'm about to put my jacket on.

I got a new lipstick the other day, and I feel like a new woman! It's so exciting, and yes, I know I am such a dork!

I want to get a new layout/format/whatever the word I'm looking for, for this blog. I'm bored with how it looks now. I want something new. Template, that's the word. I've been thinking about this for the past month. But it will probably take me awhile to find one that I really like, and then do what I need to do. Still, it's in the works.

Hmmm, any other useless bits of info? I'm bored but can't seem to think of anything else even though I know there's a plethora of subjects and bits on which I've recently planned to write. But I do need to go practice guitar now. I can't wait until I'm good enough to learn a little bit of finger picking!!!

My new addiction

Today I SWEAR I'm taking my computer in to be fixed. As you can see by my lack of posting, I usually typed my fun blog stuff at home! The German came over on Sunday and was fiddling with it, and he thinks maybe something is wrong with the RAM or some microsoft software has been corrupted. I have a haircut (trim) scheduled for 3 pm this afternoon, so after that I'll go home, collect the computer and all the stuff it came with, including I think backup microsoft stuff, and bring it to The Geek Squad at Best Buy. And they'll probably keep it for awhile.

But I'm okay with that now. One reason I hadn't taken the computer in before now, along with my general laziness and stuff to do like television shows at night that I couldn't leave during, was that I need something to DO at home, and in safe mode I could still play my little computer games - like Spider Solitaire. I logged in about 1,000 hours last week playing spider solitaire. Seriously, I'd easily spend HOURS playing it, while watching TV or movies. Cause I can't JUST watch TV or movies, I have to watch while doing something else equally mindless.

However, I've found the most wonderful and amazing replacement!!! I'm so ridiculously excited by this, and addicted to it already! Sudoku!!!! I bought one of the problem books at Borders yesterday after working out, cause I just KNEW, from seeing the books a couple weeks ago and then seeing a news report on the popularity of it, that I would love these little number puzzles. I ADORE that kind of stuff! Last night on the bus I read all the rules and hints and learned all that. And after getting groceries, feeding the babies, and making myself dinner, I sat down and watched Prison Break while starting to work on my first Sudoku puzzle. And seven puzzles later, and very late at night, I finally had to call it quits. As I came to the end of each puzzle, I'd tell myself to go shower and get ready for bed, and when I finished each, I'd instead be COMPELLED to start another, and so on. At midnight I finally showered. I had a hard time waking up this morning as a result. And then on the bus this morning I started another puzzle. And am just ITCHING to take it out of my purse and work on it more right now. So now, if I'm MIA, no one has to wonder if I fell off the wagon anymore. Instead, it will be because I've turned into Crazy Sudoku Lady.

I did fall off the wagon once last week though. On Wednesday night, after I think 10 days of not drinking, I drank a bottle and a half of wine and as a result didn't make it to work on Thursday. I felt terrible and dirty all day Thursday and all day Friday as well. Each day prior to that I'd been THINKING about alcohol and drinking a little more and a little more, and on that Wednesday afternoon, the idea suddenly jumped into my head, mascarading as Inspiration, that I would keep thinking more and more about it unless I just got it over with and got drunk. But after the first bottle of wine, my brain told me it wasn't enough and I went out and got another. I just can't do any of this anymore, it's so clear to me. So I am newly and even more determined. And let's see, today is Day 6, and so far I haven't even really thought about it. And since I have a new addiction to Sudoku to occupy my thoughts, I hope that helps.

Also, I still haven't made it to an AA meeting. For a variety of reasons, all very important: too tired, too cold outside, want to walk home, a fantastic show on TV, or just laziness. I'll have to check my list to see if there's a meeting on Tuesdays near me, and I could go to that. I'll have already gotten my hair cut and taken my computer in, I'll already be by me so I won't be able to walk home or work out, and there are absolutely no good shows on Tuesday nights to draw me in. The cold could be a problem and Sudoku could be a problem. But I owe it to myself completely to go. I can't go on Wednesday nights cause tomorrow night I start guitar classes again - yay! Which means I really have to practice tonight so I don't make a fool of myself tomorrow in class, especially since the teacher is really cute :)

On Sunday when The German came over, I got a lot of action! And he got some himself! No sex, cause sex just seems to be off the table, but he spent a lot of time on me! That's the ONE bad thing with my relatively new antidepressant - it takes longer for me to come. Sometimes it's really frustrating for me. He first did a lot of action on me while dinner cooked, and then we stopped and ate dinner. My hands were shaking throughout. Afterward we moved back to the couch, stripped down, turned on some porn, and I went down on him for awhile until he exploded. And after a bit, he knelt on the floor and just did unbelieveable magic to me! After that we cuddled for a bit and finished watching the porn scene that was on at the time, and then he got to work on my computer. He didn't have too much luck with fixing anything, but did get some answers and tried a lot of different things. And then we ran through the rain for coffee and cake at the little Austrian bakery down the street. He was at my place for about six hours in all, and I had a wonderful time and was happy to be with him.

Update on the job front - I didn't get the federal job I had wanted. They hired someone else. Tivo let me know last Wednesday night a little before I went home. I wasn't too disappointed really, because it had been so long since I'd interviewed and as far as I'd heard, someone might not have been hired at all due to lack of a budget. So I wasn't hoping. But I did feel like a loser on the way home on Wednesday night. Cause I felt like they just didn't like me. I can't say, though, that it contributed to my drinking, because I'd already made the decision to drink before I heard the news. However, I don't feel like a loser anymore now, because one of the bosses here talked to The Boss Man there yesterday and so I now know that The Boss Man really liked me and pushed for me, but had to defer to the head of the department, who chose this other woman. And The Boss Man encouraged me to apply for any other opening that would come up under him. So that made me feel good and happy! And yes, liked, because I want to be liked. And now I just need to get my application over to the city, so I can get that job!

After I post this, I'm going to draft my match.com little blurb. Yes, I've said it before, but now I'm ready to get back in there and get excited about people again. The Meat said that he's got a few little things to add to my blurb, which some guys may get. And I trust The Meat, cause I want someone a little like him - who's a good guy, but has, as The Bold One puts it, a bit of an edge. And some badness. And some mystery. And some alternativeness. And isn't just some boring normal guy.

By the way, I never wrote about the nicest thing that The Meat did for me. It was just sweet. Two Fridays ago I'd told him how poor I was and how little money I had to last me for the next week and a half. So on Monday, he brought me two $20 bus cards and didn't want anything for them. It really touched me. And helped me out so much, too. To get to work and back home each day! It was really sweet of him.

I have to leave in 45 minutes. In that time, I need to draft an order, print out next week's schedule, quickly prepare a motion, and draft my match.com blurb and give it to The Meat to rewrite it. I think that's all. Of course, I have a huge amount of other stuff I'd love to keep writing about, but it will have to wait until tomorrow!

Getting Head

I've been sitting in on a trial this week, which will unfortunately, I'm sure, go through Friday. It deals with the installation of pipes and pumps between the syrup tank and the mixer in a soda factory. I've talked before about some of the terms used very frequently during trials involving iron work - erection, steel members, etc. And as a result, during the iron work trials my mind tends to wander and turn toward much more interesting and fun ideas all revolving around the erection of members of a very different kind.

The current trial doesn't have me sexually charged, due to the fact that very good lawyers are involved, it's a pretty interesting trial, and there's not a lot of unnecessary testimony during which I can daydream to my heart's content. However, I did almost dissolve into giggles on Monday during a discussion of the pressure of certain pumps, which is measured in PSI's. Apparently, 1 PSI, from below, will cause water to raise 2.31 feet in a column into the air, otherwise referred to as Feet of Head or Discharge Pressure. I'm not kidding, that's really what it's called! And of course, the guy who was testifying about all this was from Wales originally, so not only was he constantly using the terms Feet of Head and Discharge Pressure as natural terms, but was doing so in his very proper accent! It was hysterical!!

And THEN, I started thinking - "giving head", "getting head" - yes, the top of the penis can be known as the head, but maybe the phrases "giving head" and "getting head" didn't originate because of that. Maybe instead they came from engineering talk!! The penis discharges, and that's the head, or something like that. Anyway, the whole thing was quite amusing for me! I also kind of like another term we've heard in this trial: "proportionater" - sounds very Ahr-nold-ish: "I will send you to The Proportionater!"

Oh the things that give me pleasure!!!

Things I'm thankful for, and my Inner Harry Potter - woops, I mean Smile :)

Last night I left work a little after 6 and walked home. I had the iPod playing and my backpack on, and the sun was setting. The colors were just gorgeous, everywhere I looked! At one point, trees with yellow leaves were framed against the deep turquoise of the sky. At another time, the shadows of the trees on the sidewalk were like a heavenly promenade. I wanted to take pictures – I saw gorgeous pictures everywhere I looked! But my camera was in my purse which was in my backpack, and I was walking fast to get my exercise. And besides, it would work best if I had my tripod with me. So here’s my little plan: tomorrow night I’m planning to walk home again, and I’ll have my camera hanging around my neck and my tripod in my backpack, so I can hopefully get some wonderful shots!!!

When I got to my building, I checked my mailbox and found the envelope from my mom, and instead of just $50 like I asked for, she sent me $100. She’s just wonderful, she does so much for me, so so so so much. I deposited the check and bought some food for myself and cat food for James and Emma. And then I pampered myself!! I gave myself a pedicure and manicure as best as I could, and lotioned up my feet and hands with a peppermint and rosemary shea butter cream, it was wonderful! And later I showered so I wouldn’t have to this morning, and then sat in bed and read and wrote out some things.

One thing I did was to write out a list of things for which I’m grateful. This is from my How Now exercise book. And then, as it instructed, I let myself “actually feel gratitude for each item.” A few of my items:

1) My parents and their unconditional love, and all the millions of little amazing things that my mom does for me, including calling me every morning to wake me up
2) The experiences and memories that my brother and I will always share
3) The cuddles and silliness of my kittens, from the way Emma runs to me, to James making his silly little sounds and spooning with me at night
…
6) Blue skies and sunshine
7) The ability to walk (as opposed to those who can’t), so that I can enjoy my walks home
8) The gorgeous fall colors, the color of the sky at dusk, and the beauty everywhere in nature – all that makes me so happy and makes me feel so alive
9) My psychiatrist – for helping me feel so empowered
10) My job – even though I don’t make a lot of money, I have been so blessed by the wonderful friends I’ve made, the interesting people, the experiences I’ll never forget, the laughter, and the stories, and also for it being here for me even when I’m a bad employee
11) Having a beautiful and comfortable place to live
12) Being able to wake up and see the sun reflecting off the lake
13) My hair, my eyes, and my skin
14) My mind and intellect, and depth of feeling
…

It felt good to put down in writing the things that I’m so thankful and grateful for, and to concentrate and focus on each one. And this morning, I told my mom that I put her down first, because she is the number one thing that I’m grateful for – and it’s completely true for a million different reasons. She was so happy, and it made me so happy to make her so happy!

The next exercise is to work on my Inner Smile – “joy creates an almost instantaneous sense of expansion – an inner smile that’s like a warm bath. Some call this warm bath “flow” or “spirit”…Think about someone or something that you love. This could be a child, a place in nature, or a favorite memory. Whatever you choose, make sure that just reflecting upon it creates an automatic inner smile. Then surrender to that inner smile. Let it light you up. Feel it spread through your body and even beyond it, uniting you joyously with your surroundings.”

I tried this a little last night, but it was hard for me to come up with one thing. There are many times when I feel such a joy, and feel like it’s bursting from my chest, but it’s not because of any one thing. Also, I was a little distracted, because I couldn’t get Harry Potter out of my mind – this sounds like exactly what he had to do in order to get his Patronis and protect himself from the Dementors! So I kept picturing myself holding a wand and feeling joy burst from within me in rays of sunlight that pushed all the bad things away! Very silly, I know! But I do love that feeling of ultimate joy when I have it! So I’ll have to work on feeling it more often.

I’ve had a lot of thoughts running around in my head lately. I’ve started jotting down some of them. When I get them a little more organized I’ll post them. This not drinking thing is proving to be really good. I’m more like I remember being years ago, when I’d think a lot more, and write a lot more, and have my introspective moments a lot more. Of course, I want to get some of these thoughts more in order, but I like having them again and not blotting them and everything else out with the drink.

Pictures, pictures, pictures!

Ah, Blogger is letting me put pictures back in!!! This makes me so happy! The wonderful picture on the left is my Pussy magnet, from Violet and Uganda, picked out by Uganda, from the Hustler store in LA. It's just wonderful!!! And I think it was so sweet that Uganda remembered how much I loved cats and picked this out based on that.

And the other thing they bought me was a pack of condoms, which I don't think I'll want to open unless it's an emergency, just because it looks so cool! Well, I am curious about the triple-ribbed, so I will open it, but since there's no one who I even want to fuck me, it may be a while. I really like having the word "Hustler" on my condoms - I am the coolest!!! Thanks to Violet, of course!!!!

And now, a picture from the Son Volt concert, which I mistakenly called Sun Volt in my last post - and I KNOW Asparagus caught that and didn't approve! All my pictures were pretty blurry, but I think this is the best one.

And now, Simon and Millie, who are Florida and Asparagus's cats, are going to make their debut onto this blog!! Because this picture of Simon (the part Siamese) cracks me up! The pretty green sweater was bought for Millie (the orange one), to keep her warm in the winter. Seeing it barely fit on Simon is hilarious - he looks like he's wearing a muscle t-shirt!!! And little Millie, to the right, was very happy in her box. Simon had come around to investigate once he saw her sitting in the box, and after some tense seconds of ears back, Millie struck and hit him, and he walked away. So she was enjoying her win! And this picture doesn't do justice to how tiny this box was! Cats can fit, and semi-comfortably, into the tiniest of spots, it's just amazing!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Monday, October 17, 2005 Completion of update to present Photos that are supposedly being uploaded are still not showing, so I think I'll have to wait until tomorrow to put more pictures up. First of all, how exciting is it that the White Sox are going to the World Series!!?? I was so excited for them last night. And for all the fans. And for some reason I wasn't even worried, I just knew they'd win. Quick weekend update and then I have to change to walk home. On Friday night, I just battled with my computer and talked to mom about it, and searched around for the Best Buy warranty even though I told my mom I knew she had it - I'm so unorganized and lose things like that so of course I told her to keep it. And whadya know, she found it there! Saturday, I woke up early and drank lots of wonderful coffee, tried again to get my computer to work to no avail, and then met Florida for breakfast, ummm, eggs! I love them! I went back to her house so she could bind off, or whatever the term is, a scarf that I had knit a long time ago. And then I watched football with Florida and Asparagus for awhile, with all of us praying that Notre Dame would lose, with me praying that Michigan would win, with Asparagus watching Northwestern while I hoped Purdue beat them since my brother went there. The funny business that occurred while I was there - Asparagus had gone golfing that morning and got a little sap from a pine tree in his hair. He was very dramatic about it, how much it hurt, how he "wouldn't wish this on anyone", etc. It was hilarious!!! I was crying from laughing so hard, as he twice shampooed his hair in the sink, thought it had come out and got all excited, only to be so disappointed when it was still in there. Florida and I were suggesting all kinds of things and secretly hoping that he had to go through all of them, since it was just so funny! After the shampoo, he finally tried the peanut butter that Florida suggested and it did work, but only after we got many more laughs at his hair sticking straight up with PB in it. Oh funny stuff!!! Asparagus, you make me laugh! I went home for a bit to give love to James and Emma, and then got spiffed up just a bit, through my yawning, and headed to a Sun Volt concert with Florida and Asparagus. Florida and I scored the perfect seats - a couch at the side and toward the back on the first floor - we were some of the only people who got to sit during the concert, cause no one could stand in front of us! The opening band, something Bats, maybe Fruit Bats, played good music but the lead singer's voice was sometimes like nails on a chalkboard. And Sun Volt was wonderful! It wasn't as loud where we were sitting, but Asparagus said it was much louder in the middle where he went to stand. They played really good music, and I just love watching the guitar and bass players when they're really jamming - it's amazing how fast they can move their hands! They must be the absolute best at manual stimulation of a woman, I've thought that before. Cause their hands and arms don't get tired cause they're used to it, and they have great finger muscles and flexibility! The band finished at around 12:30 am, and we were all yawning, and had second-hand smoked two packs of cigarettes each. I got home at 1 and showered and read a little while my hair dried before going to sleep. And then yesterday, I was so lazy. I slept until noon and then spent the day watching movies and knitting a new scarf. I finished the scarf, except for the binding off part. It's really soft and I like that, but I'm not sure about the color on me. I may give it to Bitch TSIL for Christmas! But I'll see, since it is soft. And of course, extremely well done :) Okay, it's 5:15, I need to change and get walking. It's starting to get dark out so early :( I'm going to see if I can get some pictures in here, cause I have great pictures to insert if only they would show up when it says they should!!! Now I'm f*cking so pissed that none of my pictures will show up!!!!! What the F is going on???? This is ridiculous!!!!! Tomorrow I will post a couple of my little written out things, and I guess also try to put in the f*cking pictures as well. This whole picture thing is really pissing me off, so I'm going to take a deep breath here and go change to walk home - and in the GORGEOUS weather we're having right now!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ The reason for my long absence I swear, I'm alive and doing very well! Last Wednesday night my computer, after me using it for awhile, went to THE DEATHLY BLUE SCREEN and wouldn't reboot. Luckily, God was seriously watching over me, because when I got home on Thursday night, the computer turned back on and stayed on for a good three hours while I copied all my pictures off and onto 13 CDs. And then I started going through all my music files and was going to update my iPod and figure out how to use the iPod as a hard drive, and then THE DREADED BLUE SCREEN reappeared for a second and it again went into the loop of not rebooting and trying to over and over again. Friday night I was hoping that the computer would act as it had on Thursday and work for awhile, but all weekend it wouldn't turn on again. Oh was I pissed!!!!!!! I have to take it into Best Buy and it's probably going to be sent away for a couple weeks. So anyway, that's why there has been not even a peep from me since Wednesday. And of course, I had all this stuff that I wanted to write about!! Oh - and of course I couldn't go to an internet cafe because I had no money. I had $1.75 in change which I used for the bus this morning, and I have 90 cents left after that. I'm walking home tonight though, so it will be okay. And my mom's check for $50 should definitely get to me today since it didn't come on Saturday. The EVIL computer We are also on trial today, so we had our break between noon and 1 pm, and it's 12:45 now, so I don't have much time. Hopefully we'll end by 4:15 or 4:30 today so I can have a bit of time before I have to leave. But as I said, I'm walking home, and also, I'm going to an AA meeting at 6:45 - my first one, first attempt to see how it is. And that's another story, cause last Thursday afternoon I had the appointment with the psychiatrist and he was just wonderful. I loved him so much! I'm going back in three weeks for a follow-up, and he gave me a month's worth of meds that will get rid of my cravings for alcohol and also bring my brain chemistry or receptors back to normal levels and all so that I don't feel the need for alcohol and all that. He explained it to me in lay-man's terms, and each time I try to tell someone, I think I get further and further from what he told me! He also convinced me to try AA for a little while. I told him what my reservations were and about my preconceptions and he addressed them all. After I left, I was walking down the street, my iPod playing, and a skip in my step. I felt so empowered!!! Like I could and can do anything!!! And it's the most fabulous feeling, because I am taking this incredibly huge step to make my life so so so much better!!! Even a month ago, I couldn't IMAGINE my life without drinking alcohol. Since I made my resolution to stop drinking on September 27, I have slipped twice. Once on October 4, and once on October 9. But since then I have had nothing at all. And not even wanted to. I'm on the fourth day of the meds - Campral - and it takes five days for them to fully build up in my system, but whether it's partly the meds and partly my optimism, it's working!!! And I'm so happy!!!! Okay, I have six minutes left. Last Thursday I had lunch with Violet, and she and Uganda had gone to LA the past weekend and brought me back two wonderful presents!!! From the Hustler store!!! I love that she thought of me when wondering who she could buy a present for at Hustler!!! Uganda picked out the cat magnet, since he knows I love my cats, which I think is so cute. Stupid blogger is not letting me upload any pictures now. What the F*CK!!!! I've tried about fifty thousand times now and it's not working. I'll try once more and if it doesn't work, I'll post the pictures of the presents after I get off trial. Okay, I tried again and NOTHING. That is seriously so annoying. And I can't edit at work, cause my computer here for some reason will push the whole post down half a page and I can't get it back up afterward. Well this afternoon I'll post those pictures, and do a quick update on Saturday and Sunday. And I'll have to wait until tomorrow to post my other nice things that I wrote out this weekend since I couldn't type them. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Wednesday, October 12, 2005 Oh funniness!!!! The PMS moodiness which was so terrible yesterday was considerably better today. I liked people and didn’t want to hit anyone! However, in the afternoon a few little things set me off for brief periods of time, which led a co-worker to ask me if everything was alright, cause I’d seemed a little quick at the draw and stressed lately – for example, I’d threatened to kill a few people for tiny things (not to their faces, though!). I told him I had PMS and that pretty much shut him up. Or so I thought. Shortly later he tested my teensy bit of pms-patience by refusing to accept that cats were as wonderful as dogs and could be loved just as much. I was yelling by the end of that conversation!!! Yes, a full on yell, which is very unlike normally laid-back me. And don’t get me wrong – I love dogs! I had the most wonderful English cocker spaniel from age 10 to 21, and I fully believe that she was my soul mate in a dog. I still have a framed picture of us on my sidetable, and a little album of our life together displayed in my bookcase. But I also adore my James and Emma and as I told him, I would KILL anyone who hurt them!!!! And they are just as good as any dog, and make my life so amazingly wonderful! They are my family and my babies!!!! Well, enough of that. In the wake of my moodiness, I’ve decided to relate one of my favorite funny stories. I hope it’s funny to other people. Because I know the guy, I was almost peeing in my pants when he told me this, his most embarrassing story: This guy has a sleeping disorder. He takes naps throughout the day, as well as falls asleep often when just sitting there. He’s usually good at knowing when he’s about to really be out of it, and goes to a conference room for a nap. One other thing you need to know – when he really, really falls asleep during these times, and they are usually for relatively short periods of time (maybe a half hour or so), his body is basically paralyzed even though he may half wake up for a few seconds sometimes. A few years ago, he had gotten home to his apartment from the gym and stripped naked, wanting to take a shower before napping. But then the tiredness came over him in wave and he backed against a wall, slid down, and fell into his deep sleep. Sometime during this time he woke up but was in his paralyzed mode, and remember, he was naked. And with his legs spread open. And between his legs, there was a mouse, sniffing around for food! He said he’s never been so scared before, because there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t move, he couldn't wake up, and he fell back asleep just after that! He gets so embarrassed telling that story, but I can’t stop laughing, just knowing him!! However, not knowing the guy, I imagine the guys out there would be a bit more on his side than mine :) Now I'll go to sleep with a smile on face, because I'll fall asleep laughing!!!! Mrawhahahahahhaha!!!! :) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Tuesday, October 11, 2005 PMS returns with a vengence PMS has arrived and today I am full of piss & vinegar, as Florida would say. Everything and everyone is pissing me off, and I kind of feel like just hitting a wall, or hitting someone. My silly co-worker across from me keeps looking at me and saying I look like I want to kill someone. At least I'm not crying, though - although just a couple times the extreme anger at the world has almost dissolved into tears, but I'm not having any of that today. I want to smack someone or beat my own head against the wall. And I feel like getting in a fight. I feel like yelling at someone. [removed] Do you know what else is pissing me off? It has been 5 1/2 weeks since I have had sex, and there's no one, not even one person, who I even want to have sex with. All men just suck. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck!!!! Well okay, to be fair, there are a few good ones out there, but none for me, and that's where my anger comes in. Now I feel bad making such a huge generalization. And dammit, I don't want to be feeling bad today, I just want to be pissed! I also hate being president of my volunteer group, I hate being in charge and having to think of stuff. And I'm not organized and I just hate it. And I keep getting hot and then getting cold in this stupid building. I'm playing a witness tonight for a deposition for The Meat's class, and he said it will work out perfectly, because I'm playing the bitchy bad woman, and that's how I feel today, and my eyes keep sending daggers everywhere I look! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Monday, October 10, 2005 Happy Columbus Day! I love working for the government! We get Columbus Day off!!! So today I got to sleep in, and be lazy, and sleep more, and read, and it was just wonderful!!! Yesterday was a good day, too. First, I woke up at around 8:30 a.m. from sounds outside - people were gearing up for the Chicago Marathon. I made myself coffee, got my camera, and sat out on my balcony watching the action, from the first runners passing to the masses coming a bit later and continuing for a very long time! I had to get gloves after a bit, cause it was really nippy outside that early! A bit later, The German called and came over an hour later. He cooked up omlettes for us, and after that we headed out. He's deciding whether to move out of his apartment now or say there until next September. And even though my lease doesn't expire until June, I'm still thinking about moving to another area as well when that time comes. So we took the Brown Line to the Irving Park stop and walked north on Lincoln to around the Montrose area and then walked on a few side streets to check out whether there were any For Rent signs, what the rent price was listed as, and just get a general feeling for the area. We walked through Lincoln Square and got ourselves a cookie, and then walked on many more side streets. At one point, we were really near his friend Kristin's house, so we tried calling her to stop by, but no answer. But then five minutes later we ran into her on the sidewalk and she took us to her place to show us her fully gutted kitchen. The workers are coming this next week to start on it. But what was sooooooo cool is that there were all these old newspapers behind the kitchen walls from the last time it had been remodeled, and they were all from 1944!! I took some pictures of some of them, so cool!!! There was of course a lot about the war, and also some really crazy "help wanted" adds - mostly looking to hire women. But one add specifically asked for "a colored woman" - thank God we've come so far since then. One paper she found was a Chicago paper written in German, which I guess isn't so surprising since Lincoln Square still is a German area and was so much more so then. But at the same time, I'm sure the Germans were keeping a bit of a low profile then. The German and I left after a little bit and walked around many more side streets. I have always preferred a much more modern place, and especially have always liked carpet. But I admit that after seeing Kristin's place (I'd seen it before, but was never thinking about potentially living in a place like it before), I was realizing that I could actually be quite comfortable in an older place. She had the wood floors, and they were squeaky a little bit. But I could always get cheap area rugs. And James and Emma would probably love running on wood floors. And really, there is so much character in the older places. And they are of course much cheaper - well, in the areas I'd look at, like the Lincoln Square area. And what excites me sooooo much is that there is so much more space and more rooms, and that means I can PAINT more, and in more cool colors!!! And more wall space to hang pictures!!! We saw two-bedroom places for cheaper than I'm paying now! So I'm getting excited! I was thinking about what other colors I'd like to try for the walls! Anyway, I loved yesterday. I loved seeing other options for places for James, Emma and I to live. And I loved walking around outside. The only bad thing - I wore my Uggs for the first time this year, since it was a bit chilly out. And I wore short little ankle socks. But I forgot that the first few times I wear the Uggs, they really irritate the backs of my ankles. Only one was bothered, but by the time I got home, all the skin was gone and there was a bit of dried blood. I hate breaking in shoes/boots when the seasons change! So now, I'm going to every once in awhile check out listings for apartments in the Lincoln Square area and maybe even look at a few, so I can get a better idea of what I want, for when my lease runs out. I don't know for sure that I'll move, but I do like the idea of me being courageous and really moving to a different area! And I leave you with a picture of some of the delicacies available at the German deli in Lincoln Square - including cans of head cheese, liver pate, liver sausage, veal loaf, and Bauernbratwurst - oh yum! (I'm kidding!!!) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Sunday, October 09, 2005 A whole new meaning to a quick stop at the gas station! This picture is courtesy of The Bold One - from a drive down to the St. Louis area. She said that this is apparently a CHAIN in Iowa. Seriously, who came up with this name??? ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Saturday, October 08, 2005 Little update I JUST finished cancelling my date with Justinian tonight. I was so annoyed with him that there's no way I actually wanted to go out with him. And as The Meat told me yesterday, "Life's too short to do things you don't want to do." So I told Justinian that I just got back together with my old boyfriend, who I was on and then off with. That was also The Meat's idea, as opposed to the other option of telling him I just wasn't interested. What sealed the deal, besides his statement on Tuesday that "it was okay...as long as he knew he'd see me on Saturday", was the message he left me on Thursday night: "Hi Cat, it's Justinian, I'm just calling to finalize our plans for Saturday. Give me a call..." I have some pet peeves, I admit it. I don't like the phrase "touch base" - it makes me cringe. And I cringed equally as much when I heard him say he wanted to f*cking finalize our plans - that's just gross and annoying. He called last night, too, while I was at the movies with Florida, Asparagus and TIC, and said THE EXACT SAME THING!! After all that, and yes, call me what you will, but there was no way I could go out with him without being quite annoyed and almost mean. He took it pretty well. Although, when I apologized for not calling him back on Thursday and Friday, he again said "that's okay" but in a tone as if he was nicely forgiving me. After I told him about me and the non-existent old boyfriend getting back together, he said "well, you win some, you lose some." So, that's done, I feel a weight lifted from me!!! I'm watching Love Actually right now as I type - lovely British accents and the British humor (or humour) that I'm starting to understand and appreciate a bit more as I see more and more bits of British TV and movies. I have been remiss the past couple days with writing! My excuses: on Thursday I brought my laptop to work so we could all watch a very hilarious DVD (only 7 minutes long - we weren't watching movies at work!) And after work, I had my first board meeting for my volunteer group at a little bar/restaurant and didn't get home until 8:30, and then had to set the computer to recharging. And while it was recharging, I decided to get productive: I brought four loads of laundry downstairs, emptied the dishwasher (yay!) and loaded the few dirty dishes, wiped down the kitchen counter, and then, I hit the bedroom which I hadn't cleaned, straightened or done anything to in a few months. I hung up the clothes that were still clean but draped all over my dresser, I picked up all the crap littered around the floor, I put stuff away, I went through my makeup and put away the stuff I don't regularly use and laid the other stuff on top of the case, I washed and dusted my dresser and set my perfume and crap on it. And dusted the rest of my room. And eventually got the clothes out of the dryer and folded and hung up all of them. Oh, and cleaned the floor in my bathroom. As a result of all this, I didn't get to bed until almost 3 am. (My bedroom was REALLY dirty!) And then last night, as I said above, I went to the movies with Florida, Asparagus and TIC, and before that was at TIC's house where she made chili for us - I was the only one who thought it was so spicy - my lips were on fire! But it was still yummy! And before that I ate tortillas with her homemade guacamole (I LOVE everything avacado!), and also a couple slices of french bread with tapenade, a slice of salami and a slice of cheese - now that was fabulous! Then we all went to see Flightplan. It was entertaining, as movies should be, so it was fun. But I will admit that we all kind of picked it apart on the way home - we were being quite critical! When I got home, although it was only about 10:30, I was so sleepy, and instead of typing, I took a personality test in a book I bought some eight years ago. And then got ready for bed. Back to Thursday night, when I was at the bar/restaurant for our board meeting. First of all, the meeting went pretty well. There were just four of us, and all are nice, so we chatted a bit first, and then I sort of started our informal meeting, and we just discussed our future fundraiser events and a couple ideas I had for other ones, which I actually got from The Meat. It went well and we have great ideas and we moved forward a bit, and a couple of them took on responsibilities for doing a bit of research on venues for two of our events. Still, I wasn't completely comfortable - first, I don't like being the "leader" and second, the girls are very nice and friendly, but for some reason I'm just not completely comfortable. Next, Warsteiner (from over a month ago) was there and came over to say hi. We hugged and chatted a bit, and I introduced him to everyone. We had finished up with dinner and the meeting and were just getting ready to pay the bill. It was nice, cause Warsteiner and I could chat and it was like seeing an old acquaintance, and also, he had said before that he was never able to be friends with ex-girlfriends, but because we were never really boyfriend-girlfriend, and also because it just kind of fell apart due to his work and never seeing each other, I had no hard feelings and neither did he. He was giving me his little lovey look a bit, smiling and staring into my eyes. And that was flattering, of course! After we paid, I went over to quickly say bye to him before walking one of the ladies to the L. He was with his ex-roommate and the guy's fiance, who I met for the first time. Talk about a boring couple - I can't picture them ever having fun! Warsteiner was making eyes again and asked if he could buy me a beer. I told him I was taking a break from drinking for awhile. And then it was time for me to leave, and I first stuck out my hand which was weird for me, I guess I was thrown off a bit, and then I hugged him. Third, and this bothered me for awhile and still does. I didn't order a drink and on purpose ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, which I happen to also adore - French Onion Soup. So, my total order was $5. The other three ordered a drink each (and one girl got a very expensive glass of wine) and meals that were around $7.50 each. So while I was talking to Warsteiner, the bill came, and apparently one girl, who by the way is very rich (she and her husband are in the process of negotiating a contract for new construction - they are getting the whole fourth floor of this condo building, around 3,300 square feet, and having the entire thing customized) split it up equally and said we each owed $13. I understand that money doesn't mean a lot to her, but it does to me, because I have VERY LITTLE of it. Everyone else put in exact change. I said "I don't have exact, I have $10, so I purposely ordered cheaply." The other young girl sort of gave me an understanding look, and the Rich Girl took out her wallet and put $3 more in. It made me feel terrible. And I was mad because I had to be put in that situation to be made to feel bad and poor. And I was mad that I had to give my whole $10 when I would have just put in $7. My whole walk home I felt bad about it and mad about it. Add to that the fact that by the time we left the place, it was completely filled up with people drinking. And it's not that I wanted a drink, which I didn't, but I was thinking about the fact that I loved every once in awhile hanging out in a bar and drinking and talking, and I won't be able to do that anymore. So that made me sad. And then I was passing a few couples walking, and also heard a couple girls shouting from a house where there was obviously a bit of a party going on, and it all made me feel extremely lonely. I was so happy to get home, and luckily my cleaning activities took my mind off all of that. In other news, I took off a couple days last pay period that I didn't have available (one of those days I know was from drinking and was the day that made me decide to stop and get help), so I didn't get paid for two days. And yesterday my rent check cleared. So now, for the next two weeks, I have exactly $74.99 in my account. Although I will be returning two shirts that I bought a month ago to Express, and I also have three t-shirts to return to Ann Taylor Loft (although they were only $17 each). So that will add a bit. At least I have money to go get more cat litter for James and Emma, cause when I cleaned out their litter pan on Wednesday and went to refill it, I discovered that I had used most of the litter already in my last container. And I'll have money to stock up on cat food for the next couple weeks, and get new garbage bags, and have $20 in there to add to my CTA card so I can get to work and home each day. I think I may have to call my mom and ask her for a bit of money to tide me over, so I can pay some of my smaller bills. And then I'll be in a much better place in two weeks when I get paid again, as I can pay the rest of the bills, and also have some extra left over. And I won't be ordering late-night bottles of wine and food, so the money won't disappear. Enough of my money woes. How boring! In other news, fall has officially arrived - it's quite chilly outside! And although I have been so excited for fall weather coming, this hasn't been the best fall weather possible - it's been cloudy and windy and even rainy yesterday! I want beautiful sunny days with the chill crispness in the air!! But I'm being such a baby, I know. And I think the rest of the weekend is going to be much better, thankfully!! I told The Meat about my problem with drinking. I never came right out and said it, but told him in many words. And told him that Florida is being so good at helping me. He's being very wonderful and supportive, and ruffled my hair and told me so many people care about me. Which made my eyes get all teary. And when I said bye to him last night, he said in his wonderful gruff manner, "Be good this weekend" - and I smiled and said I would be. It's a long weekend, too, cause we have Monday off - government holiday - Columbus Day. How great is that! Well, that's all I have for the moment... ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Wednesday, October 05, 2005 The little devil won over last night Last night I lost an hour and a half mental battle and bought a bottle of wine, and of course drank it. Afterward, I didn't like the drunk feeling I had and wanted it to go away. I drank glass after glass of water, but of course that wasn't going to help. I went to bed around 12:30 am and when my mom called a little before 7 to wake me up, I was feeling extremely tired, mixed in with feeling hung over. I fell back asleep and woke up a little after 9. Which meant I had to jump in the shower, go without washing the hair cause it would take too long, get ready and take a cab to work, so I could get the opinion all printed out, stamped, and prepare for two morning motions. Here's how it all went down. I got to work last night at 5 pm and my boss and I went over the opinion - he loved it, by the way! At about 6:30 the thoughts started entering my head: Devil: You've worked so hard on this opinion and now it's done! And you've also not had a drink in almost 7 full days, so you can do it tonight. Angel: Stop even thinking this, stop putting the thought in my head. I'm doing so good, and I need to stay strong. Devil: You HAVE been strong, and you can be strong again. But you deserve it tonight, it would be so good and so relaxing, too. And if you don't have it tonight, you'll want it even more tomorrow night. Angel: I like my six, going on seven day streak. And I have to report to so many people now, to help me stay strong. And... Devil: You want it, it will feel so good! And it's a reward, you won't do it the next night and you can be mostly good afterward. But who said you were going to completely stop drinking anyway? You just need to get it under control, and you've just been in control for six full days.... Back and forth, back and forth, between 6:30 and 7:15 when I finally left work. At the bus stop, I was telling myself to be strong and work through this. And the little devil was saying that even if I worked through it, the next night I'd want it even more, so better to just satisfy the craving to make it go away. I decided that on the bus, I'd start reading my new book, which was handily in my purse - A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey. It's a memoir from a guy who, when he was 23, was so incredibly addicted to alcohol and drugs, and he drank so much and took so many drugs that it's amazing he hadn't died before that, and it's his story of going into rehab. I'm just a few chapters into it. If anything could make me not want to drink, I figured, it would be starting this book, which shows how alcohol almost killed him. However, it gave the little devil some fuel, cause it started pointing out that this guy would drink literally bottles (yes, plural) of hard stuff starting as soon as he woke up in the morning, and continue drinking just as heavily throughout the day, and that was every day. Devil: See, one bottle of wine in a week is NOTHING compared to that guy, and he lived. I got off the bus and walked very, very slowly up the street toward my place. I was staring at my building as I walked and willing myself to just cross the street and go straight inside. And the devil was reminding me that I'd want it so much more the next day and saying that it was better to do it now. And saying that it was almost 8 pm, which was just before the time when it's too late for me start. I thought about calling Florida, cause she'd left me an email just an hour before checking in on me. But I feel bad asking for help sometimes, cause I don't want to bother people. And also, the devil side of me was telling me not to call anyone, cause I'd just get upstairs and think nonstop about the alcohol anyway. When I got to the corner, I turned and walked to the ATM, telling myself that I'd just take out money but could always still go back to my apartment without spending it. And then I passed a bar with a bunch of people sitting there, the window open to the outdoors, and I saw them all having fun and drinking beer and the music was playing, and I went to the grocery store and bought my bottle of wine. I guess I didn't need to go into such detail about HOW the bottle of wine got into my apartment, but I just wanted to write about the anatomy of my craving and discussions in my head and justifications. When I say there was an angel voice and devil voice, I'm telling the truth. All these thoughts were verbal in my head, and went back and forth from one to the other. Anyway, I did get everything done by the time I got to work this morning. And at 2:30 I left for an appointment with my dermatologist for a skin check, to make sure there's no signs of skin cancer appearing. I love, love, love my dermatologist! She's so friendly, so open, not all business and all that. She takes the time to really talk to me before she checks me over, and really pays attention to my skin as well. All was well, so in 9 months I'll go again. After that I went down one floor and got my blood drawn for the thyroid checkup and liver function test. I also signed up to participate in a completely anonymous gene study, one of three huge ones in the US. So I filled out some forms with a guy, and when my blood was taken, they took an extra vial for the study. Then I went back to work, and heard from the Psychiatry department at Northwestern, and one of their doctors can see me next week Thursday, so I'm really happy about that. The next day I'll see my primary doctor. So in a week I'll know different plans and treatment options and also hopefully have a prescription for the anti-alcohol-craving meds. And a full physical checkup. Also, my grandpa told me to ask for a 3-week prescription for Tamyflu (sp?), which is apparently the only known medicine that can work on the bird flu. My grandpa is freaked out of all disease and illness, but honestly after I saw a press conference with Bush yesterday, during which he talked about possibly using the military to effect a quarantine on any city in which the bird flu develops, I didn't think my grandpa was so crazy anymore. He also wants me to ask for a prescription for Cipro (sp?) in case of a terrorist anthrax attack. And ALSO, he ordered a bunch of some potassium something or other that should be taken in case of a dirty bomb attack cause it latches onto the thyroid so the radiation has no where to go and so isn't able to get into the thyroid, which is apparently the first place the radiation attacks. He said he ordered enough for everyone in my family, so we'll all be getting an adequate amount from him. Florida and I were just talking over breakfast last Saturday about having emergency boxes with canned food, flashlight, radio, batteries, etc. So this is all amazingly timely. Anyway, I'm not a freak and don't walk around expecting these bad things to happen. However, I don't see a problem with being prepared. I'm going to get a few gallons of water, too, and lots of tuna in cans for James and Emma in case we had to stay here without power or without ability for me to go get food or water. And then, I can forget all about it - because really, I'm sounding like some of those freaks who thought the world was going to practically end at Y2K! But in my defense, as Florida and I were saying, the people stuck in their houses after Hurricane Katrina would have greatly benefitted from having their emergency box with water, rations, pet food, etc. So see, I'm just being SMART!!! So, yes I drank last night and felt really bad afterward and was pissed at myself this morning. I'm fine now, cause I have an amazing ability to justify just about anything, and to push guilt out of my head as well. Today I have almost a negative craving, that's how much I have no interest in any alcohol. And I'm just as determined as ever to stop this and get it under control. So I had a slip-up, it's okay, it happened, and now I'm moving on. And hopefully the next time I have a craving, I'll think about how much I didn't enjoy it last night, and also be more willing to call Florida to help me talk myself out of it. And also, I will hopefully soon have meds that will get rid of the craving, so I won't have to deal with a weekly inner battle. Because although I'd love to still eventually be able to have a drink with other people, I don't want to be drinking bottles of wine by myself anymore - that is what needs to really stop! I have to go dump all the litter, wash the litter pan and refill it before I get too tired here, which is happening rather quickly. I know there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I'm tired and can't remember right now. Oh yes - The Meat was very sexy today and looking in my eyes for extra long as is his sexy way. I got physically excited more than once :) Yum!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Tuesday, October 04, 2005 It's FINISHED!!!!! Yay me!!! I finished it and am pretty happy with the rough draft, so I just emailed it off to my boss, called and left him a voicemail that it's been sent, and now I'm off to spruce up and go to work to talk it over with him and get his edits and then I'll be back here fixing it up. But I actually don't think I'll need all night to fix stuff on it anymore, since I think it's pretty complete - I just need the input from him and have a few questions on how to word some stuff. And then I'll do a bunch of read-throughs to make sure it flows, etc. But yay!!!!! I feel lighter already!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ One more bit of procrastination Okay, I SWEAR this is my last bit of procrastination! I have read every news story known to man, read every blog I could find, made more coffee, watched porn and rabbitted, read more news, cuddled with James and Emma, and just called Justinian (he's sooooo boring, and now we're going to dinner and maybe a movie on Saturday which kind of sucks cause I don't have work the next day as an excuse) - but what I haven't done is start going over the opinion or done anything other than open the file on my computer and minimize it. One more note on Justinian - at the end of the conversation I said "sorry for having to cancel so close to last minute" and he said "that's okay, we work in a profession where things come up, and as long as I know we're going out on Saturday, I'm fine." WTF! That's just annoying! I'm going to make sure we for sure see a movie after dinner - first, because there are some good movies I want to see and second, so I don't have to hear his boringness for the entire night! And I'm picking two or three movies that I want to see and I'll let him choose only from those, that way at least I'll get to see something good! Right, I have my fresh cup of coffee here, I have the TV off and Radiohead on the iPod connected to the stereo (I always work to either Radiohead or the soundtrack to Rabbit Proof Fence), James is up on the table next to me, all my materials are here next to me, and most importantly, I can't think of anything else to do to waste time. Well, I can, but still. I'm going to start! It's 11:30, so I'll start at 11:45!!! Cause I just decided that first I'll quickly scan the movies that are out there so I have an idea of the movies I might want to see on Saturday! So 11:45 - I will FOR SURE hunker down then!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ If God sends me to hell, the worst punishment would be having to write opinions nonstop! I hate writing opinions - hate it, hate it, hate it!!!! I cannot wait to be finished with this one! And in two days when I pick up another one I'd been working on, I'll say the same thing about that one!! I still have more work to do on this f*cking thing. I was working on it at work yesterday, and then I left work at 6 and was asleep by 8 on my couch. And my mom called to wake me up just before 7 this morning. I never moved from the couch, nor washed my face or anything. James did come for cuddling, which I love and adore!, a few times during the night, but I didn't wake up enough to move to the bed. I didn't drink last night and couldn't have anyway since I was so tired. On the way home I stopped in to the grocery store for some milk and I made myself walk by the wine and even not look at it. But in the hour before I fell asleep, I watched Arrested Development and then some stupid show after it, and in that show there was drinking of wine, and one character said he'd been sober for a year but was tempted enough to take a large sip of wine before he spit it back out. And before that, on Arrested Development, a guy took a drink of wine from a tumbler-type glass, which is what I always drank my wine in. I was having a craving, I'm not sure if it's because I didn't want to think about my opinion, or if it's because it's been almost a week since I've had a drink, or if it's because I saw alcohol on tv, but one side of my brain was saying, "it's been a week, you could do it just once, just so it's not every day," and the other side was saying, "shut the f*ck up, stop thinking this way, if I do it once, I'll do it again and soon I'll be back to doing it every day again." The first side, "just once!" The second side, "F*ck off! Stop putting the thought in my head!" And it went around like that until I thankfully fell asleep. Luckily, tonight I'll be doing last edits and going over this f*cking thing to make it perfect. Actually, I was supposed to go out with Justinian tonight, to dinner. I see that he called three times last night, yes THREE. I haven't listened to any messages yet. Hopefully he's rescheduling and that's why he called THREE times. I'll go check now...okay damn, he wasn't cancelling. First, he called to finalize plans and said he was going to a bar to watch football and invited me join if I wanted, and then he called when he got home, and once he didn't leave a message. I'll wait for a bit and call to reschedule. I know I'll be working on the opinion tonight. So yes, I called Justinian on Sunday and we talked for maybe 45 minutes. Nothing very exciting, but it was fine. He asked me to go out to dinner, hence tonight. Here's the thing - I'm really poor right now and don't really have any extra money (hopefully next month will be different since I won't have been spending so much on alcohol including late-night ordering-in of f*cking $30 bottles). BUT, he's unemployed since he just graduated and took the bar exam and is looking for a job. So on one hand, I'll feel bad if he pays because I don't know where he'll get the money from, but also, I don't have money. And he's the guy! I mean, I always pull out my purse like I'm going to help pay or offer to help, but the guy is supposed to then decline and pay himself. But I don't know about this situation! I guess we should just go somewhere laid back and get burgers or something like that. But I admit that it's not a turn-on at all to have a guy who is even more poor than I am. I'm not materialistic and am not after money or anything of the sort, but I also don't want a guy who's poor! My other impression from talking to him: he is exactly like me in too many ways. He also procrastinates until the last possible moment and then stays up all night working. He also is terrible about keeping his kitchen clean. He also is very laid-back and as he put it, "a type-B personality". He also is bad at making decisions such as where to go to eat. He also is bad about getting up in the morning. But unlike me, he said he's shy when first getting to know someone, and I don't like that! I'm not shy, but I don't like talking in front of larger or medium-sized groups, and I can be self-conscious sometimes. I want a guy who is less shy than me, not more shy! So anyway - how BORING would we be as a couple!!! And also, even though the conversation was fine, it was by no means stimulating or exciting. In conclusion, Justinian is nice but isn't going to get anywhere with me. However, I'll still go out with him once, just so I'm not being TOO quick to judge (even though I am), and also because I can't very well tell him that I suddenly don't want to see him. I can't believe I spent three paragraphs on that. I would love more than anything to keep writing and writing and writing now, and some of you know I can do it, too! But as much as I want to procrastinate, I have to suck it up and get to the opinion so I can be happy when I'm done. BTW, I'm at home - I work much better here without so many distractions, so I'll finish up what I can, call my boss if I have a question, email it to him and also go in later so I can get his changes. James is sleeping with his head on one of my tennis shoes, like he loves to do, but little Emma has been mewing at me for an hour now! As soon as I stop petting her and start typing again, she starts crying again, and I say "Emma!" and she answers with a mew! I give her a quick backscratch from my chair and go back to typing and she mews for more attention! She's my little crybaby cuddlebug princess - all which I say to her at various times!!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Monday, October 03, 2005 How Now: Exercise 1 It's a little after 5 am, and I'm still up and will be up until I go to bed much later tonight - in probably seventeen more hours. And why, you ask, have I stayed up all night long? Because, as usual, procrastinator me didn't start working on the opinion until 11:30 pm!!! I swear, nothing changes with me! Everything I had to write for law school, from memos to briefs to law review parts - I started late the night before it was due and stayed up all night writing. Anyway, I needed a tiny break! So..... As I talked about yesterday, I bought the book How Now: 100 ways to celebrate the present moment by Raphael Cushnir. It includes 100 little exercises, and I'm going to do them all and post them on here. I'm so excited about this! So, here is Exercise 1: "Begin In the trance of habit and daily routine, it's easy to miss the miracle of existence that is continually unfolding. One way to reconnect to that miracle is to consciously bring new projects and activities into your life. Whether tiny or grand, every venture you begin provides a fresh invitation to savor the New. The Practice: Make a list of some endeavors that you'd like to begin. This list can include an array of choices, such as a new friendship, an herb garden, a dance class, a journal, a different style of dress, a book you've always wanted to read, or a more honest way of communicating. Your selections can be internally oriented, such as paying more attention to what you feel or focusing on what brings you joy. Next, scan the list for something you can begin right now. Do so, and allow yourself to bask in its birth. Then keep the list nearby and make frequent beginnings an ongoing part of your life. Refresh the list often as you grow and change." So here is my little list as I wrote it up, and I put astricks next to all the things that I can start doing or working on right now or this week: * - get back into guitar – practice daily - sign up for guitar classes that begin near the end of October - sign up for German classes starting in January - go salsa dancing - go somewhere to watch 1) tango dancers, 2) flamenco dancers * - watch less TV and instead listen to music when I’m home * - watch less TV and read more * - try to go to bed around 11, but definitely before midnight * - on weekends, get up by 9 am; shower and spruce up and go outside for at least a little while no matter what * - walk home from work while the weather is still nice * - get back into going regularly to the gym * - call my grandparents and brother more often * - start always emptying the dishwasher as soon as it’s clean and then put dirty stuff directly into it after I use them instead of letting things stack up * - vacuum once a week * - keep living room straightened – so I wouldn’t freak if someone stopped by unexpectedly * - give James and Emma more sit-on-the-floor personal attention - plan a couple small dinner parties so I can start learning to entertain, and at the same time work on my cooking * - get my paints out more often and have fun being artistic * - start copying all my favorite photographs that I’ve taken to a separate file on the computer, so maybe eventually I can do something with them * - get back into making actual written-out lists of things to do so I can check things off and feel good about myself and what I’ve accomplished! There you go!!! I'm going to have to print this list out now and tape it to my door so I can remember all the things I'm going to start doing!!! Oh, and on that last one, I love lists! And a typical list I make will include separate little dashes for such things as clean out dishwasher, load dishwasher, clean kitchen, take out trash, clean bathroom, change lightbulb, straighten coffee table - that way, I have lots of things checked off!!!! And I feel amazing!!! :) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Sunday, October 02, 2005 How many things Have You Ever...? I checked out THE Not-So-Single-Guy's blog today, and found a very fun list of Have You Ever's, so I'm going to play, too!!! How fun!!! Have you ever…..?? (X) Smoked a joint ( ) Done cocaine (X) Been in love (X) Had a threesome (not a full-on sex threesome, but some fun action with two guys in front of Sacre Coeur in Paris in the middle of the night) (X) Been dumped ( ) Shoplifted ( ) Been fired (X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (but who hasn't?) ( ) Been arrested (X) Made out with a stranger (X) Gone on a blind date (X) Lied to a friend (X) Had a crush on a teacher (X) Been to Europe ( ) Seen someone die (X) Been to Canada (X) Been to Mexico ( ) Thrown up in a bar ( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show ( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire ( ) Been snowboarding ( ) Met a celebrity (X) Met someone from the internet in person ( ) Been moshing at a concert ( ) Gone backstage at a concert (X) Laid outside in the grass and watched cloud shapes go by (X) Made a snow angel (X) Flown a kite (not since I was a child, though) (X) Cheated while playing a game (X) Been lonely (X) Fallen asleep at work (usually only an on-purpose nap, though) (X) Fallen asleep at school (quick nodding off in a few law school classes!) (X) Used a fake ID (only once, though. I didn't look enough like anyone to regularly use one) ( ) Been kicked out of a bar ( ) Felt an earthquake (X) Touched a snake ( ) Read “War and Peace” (X) Slept beneath the stars ( ) Been robbed ( )Won a contest (X) Run a red light (again, who hasn't?) ( ) Been suspended from school (X) Had braces (X) Felt like an outcast ( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (X) Had deja vu ( ) Totaled a car ( ) Stolen a car (X) Hated the way you look ( ) Witnessed a crime (X) Been to a strip club (only once, and it was a very low-class one) ( ) Been to the opposite side of the world (X) Swam in the ocean ( ) Felt like dying (X) Cried yourself to sleep (X) Sung karaoke ( ) Paid for a meal with only coins (X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (X) Made prank phone calls (X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue ( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe (X) Had a bonfire on the beach (been to them many times, but not actually made one myself) ( ) Crashed a party ( ) Seen a tornado (X) Had a wish come true ( ) Gone bungee jumping - but I want to! ( ) Gone parasailing ( ) Screamed in public ( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them (X) Had a one night stand (X) Kissed a mirror (X) Had a dream that you married someone ( ) Gotten your fingers stuck together with super glue (X) Been a cheerleader (but only in 5th through 8th grades) (X) Sat on a roof top ( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight (X) Stayed up all night (X) Not taken a shower for three days ( ) Made contact with a ghost while playing a Ouija board ( ) Had more than 30 pairs of shoes at a time ( ) Gone streaking (X) Been skinny dipping ( ) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on (X) Had sex in a public or semi-public place (X) Been kissed by a complete stranger ( ) Broken a bone ( ) Caught a butterfly (X) Mooned/flashed someone (X) Had someone moon/flash you (X) Cheated on a test (only a couple times, and when I was MUCH younger) (X) Forgotten someone's name (X) Slept naked (X) Gone white water rafting ( ) Seen the Grand Canyon ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

About Me Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly :: Anonymous There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly :: Buckminster Fuller Name::Caterpillar From::Chicago, United States I'm a 30-year-old sometimes girl and sometimes woman living in Chicago. Over the past year I have faced my biggest demon and won, and as a result I have hope again for wonderful and fabulous things to happen! I'm still learning, growing and always trying to improve myself, but I absolutely love life and think I'm very close to becoming a real butterfly!!! View my complete profile How I Feel "I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved." "Desire is an entirely free sensation, loose in the air, vibrating, filling life with the will to have something..." - Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho I Love Quotes! In Loving Memory Appreciate Yourself Fabulous Reads What Doesn't Kill You... Because I Said Emerald Eyes Giardino del Piacere Jody Smut & Steff A Window to my Soul Skydancer Good, Good Things FUGGO I am, therefore I date Tired of Men New York Moments Yes, And... The Notebook Action Girl Inspiration DailyOM Living Life Inside Out Beautiful Photography Coriolistic Anachronisms Chromasia daily photo Daily Dose of Imagery nyclondon's amazing photography Harmless Fun Flash Earth Cute Overload Fugly Fun! What Would Tyler Durden Do The Superficial Blogthings Quizzes The Generator Blog The News The Drudge Report Crooks and Liars Recent Posts Epilogue My thoughts tonight and planning for my love's arr... Book and Mr. H coming next weekend! Trying to use methods to deal with overthinking an... Movie, long walk and beetle guilt My amazing new book Self-Confidence Some pictures from my recent visit to see Mr. H, a... One and a half years Random thoughts (and SUCH CUTE pictures of the bab... Archives June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 April 2007 May 2007 July 2007 March 2009 Current Posts Credits Powered by :: Blogger Banner photo by :: Caterpillar Profile picture by :: Marta Wiley Based on a template by :: funk_zyde Enchanting Activities Visitors Quotes That Touch and Inspire Me ♥ I think that the most beautiful women I've ever met are the ones that know who they are, have stories to tell, ideas to share, wisdom to impart and love the skin they're in. No one can love us as we love ourselves. No one can take away our beauty and our dignity when we own those things. To me confident=beautiful. :: CeeCi ♥ I'd been feeling a little blue (for no particular reason) when I began thinking about things like attention, age and body image. Suddenly, it washed over me. I see people looking at me and I see them reacting. I began thinking about the times I notice the attention and realized its the days I'm strutting, the days I'm open and holding my head up. This got me to thinking further. How I perceive myself is what I show to others...People don't realize it, but they show the world everything about themselves in the way they move and act, in the words they say and the way they say them. A little confidence can lead to a lot of confidence. :: CeeCi ♥ When we believe in ourselves the world is an entirely different place and our place in it feels right and happy and healthy. :: CeeCi ♥ Remember that something incredibly wonderful is always possible! ♥ There are moments that are wonderful, if you let them be. ♥ Being distrustful put me in a very lonely place, a place filled with doubt and hypervigilance. I'm grateful I've learned to trust again, because in learning to do it, I learned to trust myself. :: CeeCi ♥ We're all a work in progress. I believe we will be until the day our lives end. Why fight it? I love the changes I experience. Some are certainly easier and more enjoyable than others, yet I wouldn't stop the process for any thing in the world. :: CeeCi ♥ We may run, walk, stumble, drive, or fly, but let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss the chance to see a rainbow on the way :: Gloria Gaither ♥ Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed :: Storm Jameson ♥ Love is everything. It is the reason we are here, and the wonder we take with us wherever we go. ♥ Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow :: Mary Anne Radmacher ♥ Just live in the moment, the moment you're in. Don't live two days from now. Don't live two hours in advance. Live now. And appreciate what you have now. Don't go any further. You have this moment. This second. Breathe it. Enjoy it. Live in it. :: Open Eyes ♥ Leap, and the net will appear. ♥ I've learnt that when we express our deepest feelings, even though we may stammer or be unable to find the right words, it always pays. It pays to be authentic. ♥ There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness :: Carl Jung ♥ I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge, myth is more potent than history, dreams are more powerful than facts, hope always triumphs over experience, laughter is the cure for grief, love is stronger than death :: Robert Fulghum ♥ You must learn day by day, year by year, to broaden your horizon. The more things you love, the more you are interested in, the more you enjoy, the more you are indignant about, the more you have left when anything happens. :: Ethel Barrymore ♥ Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. :: Carl Jung ♥ I will try to be as honest as I can with myself. That is all that is required of me. I'll keep admitting and opening my hidden box of fears, hurts and insecurities, again and again, until I know each one of them by their first name. :: Anu ♥ It struck me that there is amazing beauty everywhere. Does it matter where you are or who we're encountering? There is magic all around us. The fact that we're alive, the fact that we're living in this place and time. The fact that we've met the people we've met, all of it, every bit of it, only contributes to the wonder that is life. :: CeeCi ♥ No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the starts, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit. :: Helen Keller ♥ Half of doing anything is believing that you can. ♥ Often God has to shut a door in our face, so that he can subsequently open the door through which he wants us to go. :: Catherine Marshall ♥ Even if it burns a little low at times, the secret of life is to always keep the flame of hope alive. ♥ The three grand essentials of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. ♥ Some people will say that you are going the wrong way, when it is simply a way of your own. ♥ Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion. :: Martha Graham ♥ Life is a series of new beginnings, and in every ordinary moment there are a thousand miracles to behold. ♥ Don't let the approval of others determine your belief in yourself. ♥ When it's all said and done, when all the opinions have been uttered, preached, shouted, and shared, there is only one thing we can do: From this moment on...love. ♥ When you're stuck in a spiral, to change all aspects of the spin you need only to change one thing. :: Christina Baldwin ♥ You have to look for the joy. Look for the light of God that is hitting your life, and you will find sparkles you didn't know were there. ♥ Be the change you wish to see in the world... :: Gandhi ♥ Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ♥ We each have only a limited amount of time here. We have to do more with it - pay attention, explore, be open to all of life. Because we have only one chance, we have to make life seem longer than it really is. :: Viggo Mortensen ♥ Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible. :: Cadet Maxim ♥ Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore! Dream! Discover! ♥ What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? :: Unknown ♥ To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. :: David Viscott, M.D ♥ Right now it feels like:...no dream will ever remain unfulfilled...no desire will ever remain unanswered...no tear goes unnoticed and no effort wasted...the hills are alive and so are we...each moment is fresh and waiting to happen...and there will be garbage like situations all around...but it is upto us to light mud lamps in it...and glow in our own acceptance and appreciations... :: Anu ♥ I struggle with not feeling like I'm good enough at times. Usually, its because I'm pushing it too hard and have depleted my reserve. Yet, I know without a shadow of a doubt that no matter how heavy or thin, how young or old I appear to others it's what I feel on the inside that glows through. If I could give every person on this planet just one gift it would be the unwavering knowledge that they are beautiful and worthy of every good thing the universe holds. :: CeeCi ♥ It's easier to buy into the negative things we conjure about ourselves than the positive things. Knowing that is the first step towards changing the thoughts that keep us unhappy. With time moving forward, why stay trapped in the past? All we have is right here and right now, I intend to make the most of it! :: CeeCi