The little devil won over last night
Last night I lost an hour and a half mental battle and bought a bottle of wine, and of course drank it. Afterward, I didn't like the drunk feeling I had and wanted it to go away. I drank glass after glass of water, but of course that wasn't going to help. I went to bed around 12:30 am and when my mom called a little before 7 to wake me up, I was feeling extremely tired, mixed in with feeling hung over. I fell back asleep and woke up a little after 9. Which meant I had to jump in the shower, go without washing the hair cause it would take too long, get ready and take a cab to work, so I could get the opinion all printed out, stamped, and prepare for two morning motions.
Here's how it all went down. I got to work last night at 5 pm and my boss and I went over the opinion - he loved it, by the way! At about 6:30 the thoughts started entering my head:
Devil: You've worked so hard on this opinion and now it's done! And you've also not had a drink in almost 7 full days, so you can do it tonight.
Angel: Stop even thinking this, stop putting the thought in my head. I'm doing so good, and I need to stay strong.
Devil: You HAVE been strong, and you can be strong again. But you deserve it tonight, it would be so good and so relaxing, too. And if you don't have it tonight, you'll want it even more tomorrow night.
Angel: I like my six, going on seven day streak. And I have to report to so many people now, to help me stay strong. And...
Devil: You want it, it will feel so good! And it's a reward, you won't do it the next night and you can be mostly good afterward. But who said you were going to completely stop drinking anyway? You just need to get it under control, and you've just been in control for six full days....
Back and forth, back and forth, between 6:30 and 7:15 when I finally left work. At the bus stop, I was telling myself to be strong and work through this. And the little devil was saying that even if I worked through it, the next night I'd want it even more, so better to just satisfy the craving to make it go away. I decided that on the bus, I'd start reading my new book, which was handily in my purse - A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey. It's a memoir from a guy who, when he was 23, was so incredibly addicted to alcohol and drugs, and he drank so much and took so many drugs that it's amazing he hadn't died before that, and it's his story of going into rehab. I'm just a few chapters into it. If anything could make me not want to drink, I figured, it would be starting this book, which shows how alcohol almost killed him.
However, it gave the little devil some fuel, cause it started pointing out that this guy would drink literally bottles (yes, plural) of hard stuff starting as soon as he woke up in the morning, and continue drinking just as heavily throughout the day, and that was every day. Devil: See, one bottle of wine in a week is NOTHING compared to that guy, and he lived.
I got off the bus and walked very, very slowly up the street toward my place. I was staring at my building as I walked and willing myself to just cross the street and go straight inside. And the devil was reminding me that I'd want it so much more the next day and saying that it was better to do it now. And saying that it was almost 8 pm, which was just before the time when it's too late for me start. I thought about calling Florida, cause she'd left me an email just an hour before checking in on me. But I feel bad asking for help sometimes, cause I don't want to bother people. And also, the devil side of me was telling me not to call anyone, cause I'd just get upstairs and think nonstop about the alcohol anyway. When I got to the corner, I turned and walked to the ATM, telling myself that I'd just take out money but could always still go back to my apartment without spending it. And then I passed a bar with a bunch of people sitting there, the window open to the outdoors, and I saw them all having fun and drinking beer and the music was playing, and I went to the grocery store and bought my bottle of wine.
I guess I didn't need to go into such detail about HOW the bottle of wine got into my apartment, but I just wanted to write about the anatomy of my craving and discussions in my head and justifications. When I say there was an angel voice and devil voice, I'm telling the truth. All these thoughts were verbal in my head, and went back and forth from one to the other.
Anyway, I did get everything done by the time I got to work this morning. And at 2:30 I left for an appointment with my dermatologist for a skin check, to make sure there's no signs of skin cancer appearing. I love, love, love my dermatologist! She's so friendly, so open, not all business and all that. She takes the time to really talk to me before she checks me over, and really pays attention to my skin as well. All was well, so in 9 months I'll go again.
After that I went down one floor and got my blood drawn for the thyroid checkup and liver function test. I also signed up to participate in a completely anonymous gene study, one of three huge ones in the US. So I filled out some forms with a guy, and when my blood was taken, they took an extra vial for the study. Then I went back to work, and heard from the Psychiatry department at Northwestern, and one of their doctors can see me next week Thursday, so I'm really happy about that. The next day I'll see my primary doctor. So in a week I'll know different plans and treatment options and also hopefully have a prescription for the anti-alcohol-craving meds. And a full physical checkup.
Also, my grandpa told me to ask for a 3-week prescription for Tamyflu (sp?), which is apparently the only known medicine that can work on the bird flu. My grandpa is freaked out of all disease and illness, but honestly after I saw a press conference with Bush yesterday, during which he talked about possibly using the military to effect a quarantine on any city in which the bird flu develops, I didn't think my grandpa was so crazy anymore. He also wants me to ask for a prescription for Cipro (sp?) in case of a terrorist anthrax attack. And ALSO, he ordered a bunch of some potassium something or other that should be taken in case of a dirty bomb attack cause it latches onto the thyroid so the radiation has no where to go and so isn't able to get into the thyroid, which is apparently the first place the radiation attacks. He said he ordered enough for everyone in my family, so we'll all be getting an adequate amount from him. Florida and I were just talking over breakfast last Saturday about having emergency boxes with canned food, flashlight, radio, batteries, etc. So this is all amazingly timely.
Anyway, I'm not a freak and don't walk around expecting these bad things to happen. However, I don't see a problem with being prepared. I'm going to get a few gallons of water, too, and lots of tuna in cans for James and Emma in case we had to stay here without power or without ability for me to go get food or water. And then, I can forget all about it - because really, I'm sounding like some of those freaks who thought the world was going to practically end at Y2K! But in my defense, as Florida and I were saying, the people stuck in their houses after Hurricane Katrina would have greatly benefitted from having their emergency box with water, rations, pet food, etc. So see, I'm just being SMART!!!
So, yes I drank last night and felt really bad afterward and was pissed at myself this morning. I'm fine now, cause I have an amazing ability to justify just about anything, and to push guilt out of my head as well. Today I have almost a negative craving, that's how much I have no interest in any alcohol. And I'm just as determined as ever to stop this and get it under control. So I had a slip-up, it's okay, it happened, and now I'm moving on. And hopefully the next time I have a craving, I'll think about how much I didn't enjoy it last night, and also be more willing to call Florida to help me talk myself out of it. And also, I will hopefully soon have meds that will get rid of the craving, so I won't have to deal with a weekly inner battle. Because although I'd love to still eventually be able to have a drink with other people, I don't want to be drinking bottles of wine by myself anymore - that is what needs to really stop!
I have to go dump all the litter, wash the litter pan and refill it before I get too tired here, which is happening rather quickly. I know there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I'm tired and can't remember right now. Oh yes - The Meat was very sexy today and looking in my eyes for extra long as is his sexy way. I got physically excited more than once :) Yum!!!
Here's how it all went down. I got to work last night at 5 pm and my boss and I went over the opinion - he loved it, by the way! At about 6:30 the thoughts started entering my head:
Devil: You've worked so hard on this opinion and now it's done! And you've also not had a drink in almost 7 full days, so you can do it tonight.
Angel: Stop even thinking this, stop putting the thought in my head. I'm doing so good, and I need to stay strong.
Devil: You HAVE been strong, and you can be strong again. But you deserve it tonight, it would be so good and so relaxing, too. And if you don't have it tonight, you'll want it even more tomorrow night.
Angel: I like my six, going on seven day streak. And I have to report to so many people now, to help me stay strong. And...
Devil: You want it, it will feel so good! And it's a reward, you won't do it the next night and you can be mostly good afterward. But who said you were going to completely stop drinking anyway? You just need to get it under control, and you've just been in control for six full days....
Back and forth, back and forth, between 6:30 and 7:15 when I finally left work. At the bus stop, I was telling myself to be strong and work through this. And the little devil was saying that even if I worked through it, the next night I'd want it even more, so better to just satisfy the craving to make it go away. I decided that on the bus, I'd start reading my new book, which was handily in my purse - A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey. It's a memoir from a guy who, when he was 23, was so incredibly addicted to alcohol and drugs, and he drank so much and took so many drugs that it's amazing he hadn't died before that, and it's his story of going into rehab. I'm just a few chapters into it. If anything could make me not want to drink, I figured, it would be starting this book, which shows how alcohol almost killed him.
However, it gave the little devil some fuel, cause it started pointing out that this guy would drink literally bottles (yes, plural) of hard stuff starting as soon as he woke up in the morning, and continue drinking just as heavily throughout the day, and that was every day. Devil: See, one bottle of wine in a week is NOTHING compared to that guy, and he lived.
I got off the bus and walked very, very slowly up the street toward my place. I was staring at my building as I walked and willing myself to just cross the street and go straight inside. And the devil was reminding me that I'd want it so much more the next day and saying that it was better to do it now. And saying that it was almost 8 pm, which was just before the time when it's too late for me start. I thought about calling Florida, cause she'd left me an email just an hour before checking in on me. But I feel bad asking for help sometimes, cause I don't want to bother people. And also, the devil side of me was telling me not to call anyone, cause I'd just get upstairs and think nonstop about the alcohol anyway. When I got to the corner, I turned and walked to the ATM, telling myself that I'd just take out money but could always still go back to my apartment without spending it. And then I passed a bar with a bunch of people sitting there, the window open to the outdoors, and I saw them all having fun and drinking beer and the music was playing, and I went to the grocery store and bought my bottle of wine.
I guess I didn't need to go into such detail about HOW the bottle of wine got into my apartment, but I just wanted to write about the anatomy of my craving and discussions in my head and justifications. When I say there was an angel voice and devil voice, I'm telling the truth. All these thoughts were verbal in my head, and went back and forth from one to the other.
Anyway, I did get everything done by the time I got to work this morning. And at 2:30 I left for an appointment with my dermatologist for a skin check, to make sure there's no signs of skin cancer appearing. I love, love, love my dermatologist! She's so friendly, so open, not all business and all that. She takes the time to really talk to me before she checks me over, and really pays attention to my skin as well. All was well, so in 9 months I'll go again.
After that I went down one floor and got my blood drawn for the thyroid checkup and liver function test. I also signed up to participate in a completely anonymous gene study, one of three huge ones in the US. So I filled out some forms with a guy, and when my blood was taken, they took an extra vial for the study. Then I went back to work, and heard from the Psychiatry department at Northwestern, and one of their doctors can see me next week Thursday, so I'm really happy about that. The next day I'll see my primary doctor. So in a week I'll know different plans and treatment options and also hopefully have a prescription for the anti-alcohol-craving meds. And a full physical checkup.
Also, my grandpa told me to ask for a 3-week prescription for Tamyflu (sp?), which is apparently the only known medicine that can work on the bird flu. My grandpa is freaked out of all disease and illness, but honestly after I saw a press conference with Bush yesterday, during which he talked about possibly using the military to effect a quarantine on any city in which the bird flu develops, I didn't think my grandpa was so crazy anymore. He also wants me to ask for a prescription for Cipro (sp?) in case of a terrorist anthrax attack. And ALSO, he ordered a bunch of some potassium something or other that should be taken in case of a dirty bomb attack cause it latches onto the thyroid so the radiation has no where to go and so isn't able to get into the thyroid, which is apparently the first place the radiation attacks. He said he ordered enough for everyone in my family, so we'll all be getting an adequate amount from him. Florida and I were just talking over breakfast last Saturday about having emergency boxes with canned food, flashlight, radio, batteries, etc. So this is all amazingly timely.
Anyway, I'm not a freak and don't walk around expecting these bad things to happen. However, I don't see a problem with being prepared. I'm going to get a few gallons of water, too, and lots of tuna in cans for James and Emma in case we had to stay here without power or without ability for me to go get food or water. And then, I can forget all about it - because really, I'm sounding like some of those freaks who thought the world was going to practically end at Y2K! But in my defense, as Florida and I were saying, the people stuck in their houses after Hurricane Katrina would have greatly benefitted from having their emergency box with water, rations, pet food, etc. So see, I'm just being SMART!!!
So, yes I drank last night and felt really bad afterward and was pissed at myself this morning. I'm fine now, cause I have an amazing ability to justify just about anything, and to push guilt out of my head as well. Today I have almost a negative craving, that's how much I have no interest in any alcohol. And I'm just as determined as ever to stop this and get it under control. So I had a slip-up, it's okay, it happened, and now I'm moving on. And hopefully the next time I have a craving, I'll think about how much I didn't enjoy it last night, and also be more willing to call Florida to help me talk myself out of it. And also, I will hopefully soon have meds that will get rid of the craving, so I won't have to deal with a weekly inner battle. Because although I'd love to still eventually be able to have a drink with other people, I don't want to be drinking bottles of wine by myself anymore - that is what needs to really stop!
I have to go dump all the litter, wash the litter pan and refill it before I get too tired here, which is happening rather quickly. I know there was something else I wanted to talk about, but I'm tired and can't remember right now. Oh yes - The Meat was very sexy today and looking in my eyes for extra long as is his sexy way. I got physically excited more than once :) Yum!!!
