Here it is, my dirty confession.
I'm feeling a bit more positive today, and proud of myself, and as of right now, excited that I am starting on this road and thinking that I may be able to get better. At least I'm finally doing something real about it, and that will include slowly telling some people. I've told MWFB and my mom, but that was a few months ago, and things have only gotten worse, behavior-wise, since then. Then I told my friend AmyD in an email the other day. After last weekend and Monday night-Tuesday, I just knew I couldn't do this anymore. So now I've told two nurses. And now I'll tell you all:
I'm an alcoholic.
I have an appointment on October 14th (at 8-effing-a.m.) with my primary physician. I just got off the phone with her nurse, and she's going to order the blood test for my liver, as well as thyroid test, so I can go very soon and get those. So that by the 14th, my doctor will have the results. And yesterday, I talked with a nurse in the Psychiatry & Behavior department of the hospital, and she's going to call me back today to let me know if one of the doctors specializing in alcohol addiction can fit me in for a consultation. I just want some direction by someone who deals with this. I'll be happy to go to individual therapy, or try some kind of group therapy. But I don't want to do AA.
My ultimate goal here, if possible, would be to get this completely under control but be able to have one drink when I'm out with friends. That would be ideal. Because alcohol is such a part of social life! And I know, that phrase "get this completely under control" is a no-no. But I'd still prefer that. When I first told my mom about this, she thought I could really do it alone, just by will power. Her reasoning: when I was in high school, I was anorexic for a year (I swear you'd think I was normal and wonderful if you met me, just all my f*cked-up-ness is coming out in this one post!), and according to my mom, everything she'd read said that NO ONE could get out of it without some form of therapy. But I got out of it by myself, because she told me that I couldn't go away to college if at the end of the summer I was still anorexic. However, I think that I also got some self-confidence during that time, which I think more likely helped me get out of it.
Anyway, what I want to stop is the drinking alone, which has gotten worse and worse so that most nights I have been drinking at least a full bottle of wine. At least. And as a result, I never get anything done that I want to do, I sometimes feel bad in the morning and have often been late to work and/or missed work because of it (Florida, please don't tell anyone), and I've found that in the past few months, I've also pushed seeing friends or calling friends to the side - because getting drunk has become much more important. And another thing then - I have been spending $10 a day on my bottle of wine, and on the days when that just wasn't enough, I'd of course order the next bottle for delivery, from a restaurant, so they charge up the wazoo for it. And I'd have to order food with it, so it would end up being expensive, and also not help any with The Fat Project!
So here's the thing. Right now I'm doing fine, I'm determined to stop drinking alone and get this under control. I didn't drink last night and didn't want to. I don't want to drink right now. So thus far, I haven't had to deal with my cravings since I've made my resolution (Tuesday night, after drinking three bottles of red wine in twenty-four hours). And the grocery store is right next door to my building. And once I get the craving, I usually have an internal battle but the alcohol usually wins. I justify it in some way. Oh - and I never get the cravings until I'm on my way home or just about home, or sometimes at home. That's the bad time.
And it's just not fair! I'd much rather be addicted to illegal drugs because then when I stopped, at least I wouldn't be around them anymore, and they aren't socially acceptable. I'm so jealous of all these people who can drink and not be addicted. Who can have two beers with friends and go home without first then stopping at the store to buy more beer. And I love going to dinner and having a beer or glass of wine. I love the taste of a cold beer in the summer, and I love the taste of a good glass of wine. And sometimes I'm perfectly fine! It's only when I get the buzz, then I want more. But also, if I get buzzed and then enough time passes that it's all gone, then often I can think clearly enough to not get more on the way home. I hate this.
BUT, I don't want to die early. And I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life because I have a relationship primarily with alcohol. I want to have a full life, and I see absolutely that it's not possible with the way I am now. So that's more important than me having drinks with people at dinner.
Yesterday on the internet I was reading about the few drugs available to help alcoholics. The one I'm interested in is naltrexone, which helps reduce the cravings - and that is of course key for me. Doctors usually give it to patients for three months and see how it goes. You have to take the pills each day. If, when I take the pills in the morning, they will last ALL DAY, that will be good, since of course evening is my weak time. There's an injected form of naltrexone that seems to work better, but it hasn't been approved by the FDA yet. They were supposed to act by September 30, i.e. tomorrow, but instead have just now pushed it back to December 30. Anyway though, the naltrexone can't be prescribed until I get the liver test - hence me asking for it now. And also because I of course want to see if there has been any permanent damage, since I've been a heavy drinker for at least the past seven years.
So, now you all who read this blog know! And because I've told you all, and started making appointments, I feel that there is no complete turning back. And I'm happy about it, really I am. For the past month especially, I've been feeling less and less in control, and have been drinking more and more, and seeing friends less and less, and returning people's calls less and less. And feeling absolutely terrible a lot of the time. Except for when I was buying my bottle, and uncorking it and drinking it. Then I felt wonderful.
And that makes me so nervous, because I love that feeling. But I'm going to be strong, because I have to and don't have a choice anymore, or I'll be dying and all alone instead of living life as the joyful, svelte hottie that I should be!!!
I'm an alcoholic.
I have an appointment on October 14th (at 8-effing-a.m.) with my primary physician. I just got off the phone with her nurse, and she's going to order the blood test for my liver, as well as thyroid test, so I can go very soon and get those. So that by the 14th, my doctor will have the results. And yesterday, I talked with a nurse in the Psychiatry & Behavior department of the hospital, and she's going to call me back today to let me know if one of the doctors specializing in alcohol addiction can fit me in for a consultation. I just want some direction by someone who deals with this. I'll be happy to go to individual therapy, or try some kind of group therapy. But I don't want to do AA.
My ultimate goal here, if possible, would be to get this completely under control but be able to have one drink when I'm out with friends. That would be ideal. Because alcohol is such a part of social life! And I know, that phrase "get this completely under control" is a no-no. But I'd still prefer that. When I first told my mom about this, she thought I could really do it alone, just by will power. Her reasoning: when I was in high school, I was anorexic for a year (I swear you'd think I was normal and wonderful if you met me, just all my f*cked-up-ness is coming out in this one post!), and according to my mom, everything she'd read said that NO ONE could get out of it without some form of therapy. But I got out of it by myself, because she told me that I couldn't go away to college if at the end of the summer I was still anorexic. However, I think that I also got some self-confidence during that time, which I think more likely helped me get out of it.
Anyway, what I want to stop is the drinking alone, which has gotten worse and worse so that most nights I have been drinking at least a full bottle of wine. At least. And as a result, I never get anything done that I want to do, I sometimes feel bad in the morning and have often been late to work and/or missed work because of it (Florida, please don't tell anyone), and I've found that in the past few months, I've also pushed seeing friends or calling friends to the side - because getting drunk has become much more important. And another thing then - I have been spending $10 a day on my bottle of wine, and on the days when that just wasn't enough, I'd of course order the next bottle for delivery, from a restaurant, so they charge up the wazoo for it. And I'd have to order food with it, so it would end up being expensive, and also not help any with The Fat Project!
So here's the thing. Right now I'm doing fine, I'm determined to stop drinking alone and get this under control. I didn't drink last night and didn't want to. I don't want to drink right now. So thus far, I haven't had to deal with my cravings since I've made my resolution (Tuesday night, after drinking three bottles of red wine in twenty-four hours). And the grocery store is right next door to my building. And once I get the craving, I usually have an internal battle but the alcohol usually wins. I justify it in some way. Oh - and I never get the cravings until I'm on my way home or just about home, or sometimes at home. That's the bad time.
And it's just not fair! I'd much rather be addicted to illegal drugs because then when I stopped, at least I wouldn't be around them anymore, and they aren't socially acceptable. I'm so jealous of all these people who can drink and not be addicted. Who can have two beers with friends and go home without first then stopping at the store to buy more beer. And I love going to dinner and having a beer or glass of wine. I love the taste of a cold beer in the summer, and I love the taste of a good glass of wine. And sometimes I'm perfectly fine! It's only when I get the buzz, then I want more. But also, if I get buzzed and then enough time passes that it's all gone, then often I can think clearly enough to not get more on the way home. I hate this.
BUT, I don't want to die early. And I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life because I have a relationship primarily with alcohol. I want to have a full life, and I see absolutely that it's not possible with the way I am now. So that's more important than me having drinks with people at dinner.
Yesterday on the internet I was reading about the few drugs available to help alcoholics. The one I'm interested in is naltrexone, which helps reduce the cravings - and that is of course key for me. Doctors usually give it to patients for three months and see how it goes. You have to take the pills each day. If, when I take the pills in the morning, they will last ALL DAY, that will be good, since of course evening is my weak time. There's an injected form of naltrexone that seems to work better, but it hasn't been approved by the FDA yet. They were supposed to act by September 30, i.e. tomorrow, but instead have just now pushed it back to December 30. Anyway though, the naltrexone can't be prescribed until I get the liver test - hence me asking for it now. And also because I of course want to see if there has been any permanent damage, since I've been a heavy drinker for at least the past seven years.
So, now you all who read this blog know! And because I've told you all, and started making appointments, I feel that there is no complete turning back. And I'm happy about it, really I am. For the past month especially, I've been feeling less and less in control, and have been drinking more and more, and seeing friends less and less, and returning people's calls less and less. And feeling absolutely terrible a lot of the time. Except for when I was buying my bottle, and uncorking it and drinking it. Then I felt wonderful.
And that makes me so nervous, because I love that feeling. But I'm going to be strong, because I have to and don't have a choice anymore, or I'll be dying and all alone instead of living life as the joyful, svelte hottie that I should be!!!
