My day, ginger tea horniness, The Meat, more of The Meat, and finally, travel!!!!
My boss was much better today. He and his wife will be going to their doctor on Wednesday, and then they'll decide when she will start the bio-chemotherapy. Right now, her having lung cancer as well as metastisized melanoma is not good. But, as I understand it, when a patient undergoes normal chemotherapy, they are administered one chemo agent. What she will be receiving is four chemo agents and two biological agents. She'll get it three times, once a month for three months, and will be in the hospital for a week each time, recovering, since it is so powerful and intense. It can possibly harm her liver or spleen, I guess. I asked my boss how she is, and he said she's just really scared. I can't even imagine. My prayers are with her. And I'm so glad that my boss is a little back to himself, even though he now, I'm sure, realizes how serious it is. Still, he uses a bit of denial as a "survival tactic", and I have to say that I don't blame him. I actually think that I might be like that as well if put in that situation, at least around most other people.
Now - to the Ginger Tea. (By the way, when I write that, I imagine some voice like Ed McMahon saying it, and at "ginger tea", there would be an echo!) I have a box of ginger tea sitting on my desk, but I haven't had it in awhile. Probably the last time was at another trial. So I know this will sound silly, but whenever I drink this stuff, at least when I'm also sitting in on a trial, I get a little type of high/somethingness - and that includes getting extremely horny! I know it sounds insane! And actually, even when I drink it every once in awhile just at my desk, I get the same feeling. I have no idea if there is any science behind this or if it's just somehow psychological/psychosomatic. I think that I actually can get that way when I drink other teas - like I know I feel somehow really relaxed and sexy and decadent and almost bad when I drink that Tazo Passion tea. So maybe it really is just psychological.
So, what else would I have to fantasize about besides The Meat? And fantasize I did! The first time the two of us went fishing in the afternoon, he was putting forth a situation to me and asking me what I would do. He said I was at home, and someone was breaking into my apartment. (This came about after we talked about how I don't like guns or violence, but how I would use whatever violence was necessary against an animal hurting James or Emma, to get the beast off my baby (however, I would try to just hurt it, but not kill it unless absolutely necessary) - and he kept escalating it - "now it's a pitbull and it's attached to one of your babies - do you shoot it?" or "what if your cat attacked the pitbull?" (I said I'd grab my baby and pull it off). "What if the pitbull then went after your cat after that?" I said I'd do whatever I had to do to get it off my baby, and then throw my baby in another room so it was just me and the pitbull). "And then what if the pitbull went after you, and was on your leg?" (I said I'd shoot it, but in a leg or something. I wouldn't want to kill it.) Anyway, he was challenging my views on violence and guns but most especially my statement that I would never myself kill an animal (yes, I eat animals. But I couldn't kill one myself. If it came to that, I'd be a vegetarian.)).
At some point I told him that I have a dagger in my bedroom (it's not very sharp at all, and my parents bought it for me when we were in Wyoming during high school). But I told him that I acknowledge I wouldn't be very good with it, since I wouldn't want to get close to someone with it or he'd just anticipate my movement, and I don't know how to throw it. (James Bond is my hero, and one of my kitten babies is even named after James Bond, so I feel like such a loser - he'd certainly know how to use a knife!) And I said I wouldn't have a gun in my room because I'd be afraid that someone I cared about would come in and I'd be in the middle of some awake-nightmare, and shoot them. Of course, no one now has a key to my place, but it's my nightmare.
Okay, but so back to my point. He was saying - what if someone broke in. And I said I'd be worried about the guy killing me. The Meat said we'd take that out of the equation. The guy is not going to kill me. I said I'd be worried about the guy hurting my babies. And The Meat took that out as well. So now it was just a guy breaking in, and wouldn't harm my babies or kill me. My answer: "then it would matter how hot he was, or how sexy."
See, ever since about seventh grade when I started reading romance novels, I get little tingles in my stomach and little tingles down below whenever imagining such a situation. Force turns me on. The idea of a guy pushing me roughly against a wall, grabbing my hair and jerking me head back, and kissing me so hard and so completely makes me instantly damp. And the idea of him holding my hands behind my back, or above my head, while he first roughly grabs my breasts, and then rips off my pants, makes me so wet. And the idea of him then grabbing me, pulling me, and then bending me over a couch arm while he takes me from behind - makes me almost come right now.
Hot Damn!!!
So yes, The Meat hit on a bit of a fantasy. And I thought about that for a good long time during trial. And then I was thinking about what sexy top I'd wear if I were to see The Meat socially outside of work. I had my top planned out - but tonight I bought an even better one! I was thinking about him grabbing me, about him grabbing my boobs, about him getting nasty with me. Let me tell you, for a long time, my pussy was throbbing.
My only thing - I'm regretting saying to him that it mattered how hot the guy was. Yes, in the ideal fantasy, it's a prince of a man, who is perfect in every way! BUT, it would more depend on the person, not just his looks. But on his aura - what emanates from him. The Meat, he is sexy as hell. He's not perfect looking even though he just emanates manliness. And he's not photogenic - I feel bad for him that way, because I don't want him to think that he looks like how he appears in pictures - he's five thousand times better looking in person, and also the amazingly sexy and manly quality about him can't possibly be captured in a picture.
After the trial was done for the day, and after my boss left, I fixed myself up a little since I knew I was going to shop a bit (so I wanted to not look gross when I tried things on) and then I went to the bathroom before I got ready to leave. As I came out, I saw The Meat down the hall and waved, and he told me to come down. We chatted first for a bit in the copy room, and then we went back to the office and he sat at The Italian Chef's desk while I stood in front of it. And we chatted for a long time. (I have a dirty secret to admit - I was leaning on the desk and hoping that my boobs were showing a tiny bit of cleavage in the opening of my button-down). At one point, we talked about his sons, and he said again how he doesn't worry about his youngest son because he's his own man and confident and has plans and will do well. His older son is 18 or 19 now, and he worries about him. The Older Son (OS) is a bit of a rebel, cares what others think of him, gets in trouble, etc, etc. I've met OS a couple times and he exudes sex appeal and has that edge and thing about him where you know he's a little more complicated, he thinks alot, and he could become great if discovered, or could go unnoticed. If I were OS's age, I would have the most serious thing for him. He is completely the type of guy I'm attracted to, even though my ideal would be someone like him - sexy, with an edge, a little bit dangerous, a little bit of a rebel, but also with some potential and real job/life, even if it's not the real him.
When talking to The Meat about OS, I have always been understanding, and telling him to have patience. And really, The Meat himself was such a bad boy, and didn't really settle down until around age 30. At age 27, he was surfing in California and earning a living selling art (i.e. creations of his friend and he that involved thrown-out crates into which they added little shelves and then little items). Also, even though I hardly know OS, I feel that I know him, or understand him. Because I'm like him in many ways. I'm not at all like The Meat's younger son. But also, I find OS much more interesting, because he's got a deepness to him, and thinks a lot we know, and because he's got an edge, he has potential, he's sensitive, but it's up for guessing as to what he will do and what will happen in his life. I love that. (By the way, so many of these things I've picked up, or have been told sort of by The Meat - since I've only met him a couple of times).
So, tonight, The Meat reiterated that he's not worried at all about his younger son. And that OS worries him a little, but not as much as he should be worried, because he was so much worse at OS's age. And he said that he knows OS has such potential, and he's just waiting for OS to maybe be discovered in some way. I told him I completely understood, and said many of the things I just wrote here, but in more depth.
Then, The Meat said something that I just love. He said I was a little like OS - because I have that "sort of pixie dust about [me], too", that different edge, that excitement and badness, a tiny bit of non-conformity, big dreams, lots of thinking, issues, issues, issues - all the stuff not in quotes is either what he's was sort of saying or what I think. Let me tell you, I adored him saying that. I adored it. Because it's completely how I feel.
Of course, I want to be in love and have joy and have babies in a couple of years and all that. But at the same time, the idea of the conformity and bullshit of grade school, and having to get along with all these parents, and feeling like I will lose all my dreams and never do what I dream of doing, or never even dream for myself anymore - this is the part that scares me. Even though I know in my brain that it doesn't have to be that way. And I was scared to get my baby kittens, because I was at the time (before my mom pointed out debt and finance reality to me) still hoping to go live abroad in the UK and get my LLM in Human Rights Law or Public International Law (because that stuff interests me, but mostly just so I could live in Europe). But, my babies have made my life so much more wonderful, and my love for them is endless, and they give me such joy! And I adjusted to it very easily. And I know that when I do have babies (actual babies as opposed to kitten babies), I will love being a mother. I just have these other worries, too.
Whew! I am exhausting myself!!! So anyway, I loved that The Meat recognizes this about me. I love it, love it, love it!! And I love being around him. I have scarily developed quite the crush. But at least it gives me the excitement to try to look good for someone each day, which I really need and enjoy. The Meat and I walked out together, and when I told him that I was going to shop for some clothes because there was a sale, he said, in his little mocking way, that I would have to get a smaller size since I'd be so much lighter by January (yes, reminding me of my bet with him - that by the middle of January I will weigh as much as I say I do on my driver's license). And THEN he said that I WILL NEVER WIN THAT BET! I called him an asswipe and punched him in the arm. And he said it again. Yes, I know I haven't lost anything yet. And I know that I haven't worked out yet. But I know that I have been slowly gaining weight over the past few years - like two or three or four pounds per year. I still look okay. Not great like I used to. But okay isn't good anymore. And the way I'm going, in a few years I'll be a fat-ass! So I have to start now!!!! And even though he was being an ass, I love him for it, because he renewed the competitive spirit within me. Of course, I've been very conscious of my new desired goal for the past week. And I've been slowly working on getting my eating in shape. Today was the first time I feel that I have some sort of schedule and plan and idea. Since I now have my breakfast covered, and am making lunch for myself. So, I just need to get to the gym. Tomorrow I am going to try to get my errands downtown done over lunch. So I can work out after work. But actually, I don't now see why I can't go work out during lunch tomorrow. I don't have anything else.
I still haven't gotten my Hitachi Magic Wand - yes, WDKY, I'm answering you :) - and damn it, I do keep meaning to go, but Saturday I had my lazy-do-not-exit-apartment day, and Sunday after I was free, it was raining, and tonight, I was just tired after shopping - it's draining trying things on and seeing all the things that don't look fabulous on you! So I was thinking that tomorrow night I could go get it. Until then, I'm still using my rabbit, which I LOVE! I just am looking forward to a different kind of sensation! I would love to work out tomorrow night. Also though, I didn't manage to get a single thing for work tonight - none of them were perfect, and I really want and need to get some nice black pants for work. I have one pair, but they need drycleaning right now and also have a little hole in the butt so I have to wear full-butted underwear which I hate and also I have very few pairs, so I keep to having to wash and/or rewear the damn the things. SO, when I do take the pants in, I will have to get them cleaned and also have the hole sewn up. But that was my normal digressing - I'm going to work out at lunch tomorrow - if I leave at 1:00 that will be good, since I'll have been able to finish anything for my boss and then I can have a good workout. And then after work I'll be okay to do my stuff!
Last night, I linked to KimmyK's blog and loved this ability to visually see where I've been! Link here to do it for yourself. Here's a map of the states that I've visited in the US (and I didn't count the ones that I just drove through, even though I did include some where I just visited a friend for a weekend and didn't really see the state). And it looks so sad, all those white states!
And here's a map of the world that shows the countries where I've been.
And it's so pathetic! Yes, I visited 9 countries in Europe. But I want to see the world and experience all these cultures!!!! I so badly want to visit Central America, and I so badly want to visit South America (especially Argentina, Chili and Peru), and I so badly want to visit Eastern Europe (from Romania to Latvia to Estonia), and I really want to visit Russia (St. Petersburg the most), and I want to visit Australia and also New Zealand, and eventually I'll want to visit the Asian countries, but not yet. Oh and I want to definitely eventually go to Africa, and go on safari, and visit South Africa, and I'll have to do more research to see where else in Africa I could go - it's such a huge continent! But also, I so badly want to revisit Europe, because I just love and adore Europe! I want to go all over France, from Paris (just magic) to Tours to Lyon to Nice. And I want to eat French bread, and try all kinds of wonderful and amazing cheeses, and drink wonderful wine. And I want to go back to Italy so badly, because I just ADORED Italy! I want to go back to Capri, and I want to go back to Venice, and I want to rent a car and drive all over Umbria and Tuscany. And I want to go all over Germany, since I'm over half German. And I need to go to Poland, since that's where most of my German ancesters came from in the mid to late 1800's (when it was still Germany, and we know my family is of Germanic decent because they were all Lutheran/Protestant as opposed to Catholic). And I also want to explore the UK more. Scotland and Ireland, but mostly Scotland. And Northern England. I was in London for four days, but it was at the end of my most amazing study abroad, and I didn't want to go home, and also going to London was such a bummer because they all spoke English and it was more like America than anywhere I'd been in Europe. So even though it was cool there, and I have always been so intrigued with English history, it was depressing for me because 1) I was going back home and to American culture and to law school, which I'd realized I didn't care about anymore, and 2) it was so much less exotic than the other countries in Europe where they spoke different languages and had such different and unique cultures and languages and foods and architecture. So, and I'm apologizing mostly to WDKY, and I know I'd love London much more if I visited it now, but there are so many other places I want to visit more that are more exotic. BUT I do have such a fascination with King Henry VIII, ever since my first book report about him in 5th grade - and I've read so many more books about him since!
These maps just remind me of the ENORMOUS world that I'd love to explore. I have no money to explore right now. And dammit, when I get a new job and get more money, I will be somewhat responsible and pay my debts, but I will also travel. Since it's my biggest DREAM - to explore, to experience, to learn. I want to experience things and experience life even if I don't have a partner. I should - I want to live and try all the amazing things, after all! If I had any money, I would have gone fun places every year over the past few years. I need a new job so I can do the things I really want to do. And also, I'm ready to move to a new place that may be substantially cheaper. And I'm just going to explore those areas in the city from now until next June! And that way, it will give me more money with which to travel!!!! (I feel like I should add a scary witch's laugh after that, along with a Mr. Burns-esk twinkling (what is the word I'm looking for?) of fingers!!!)
