Crying, crying, and more crying - it's about all I did today!
I should now be completely cried out for a long time. But I know I'm not, because I got teary-eyed for a minute tonight on the bus. This was my morning: crying, crying, crying, crying in the bathroom, crying at my desk, crying in the conference room, crying at my desk again, blowing my nose, crying, blowing my nose again, and again, and again, then crying some more, then blowing my nose, then sneezing, then crying, then sneezing, then blowing my nose, and it went on and on like that!!!
Yes, I cried openly at work today, for two and a half hours, because I couldn't stop!!! It started this morning, right when I woke up. Little thoughts kept coming in my head, and I would tear up. On the today show they showed film of a guy who in the Katrina aftermath was crying because he didn't know where his wife, daughter, and grandchildren were. He said they WERE his life, and he could start over with them, but without them he had nothing. And last night, the were finally reunited!! And this morning he and his wife were interviewed, and his voice started cracking up and he reached for her hand. And I burst into tears until I forced myself to stop. Then they were doing a video montage of a couple who is getting married tomorrow, and at the end they put on the Dirty Dancing/Patrick Swaze song "I've had the time of my life..." and I burst into tears again. And so many little times in between, all while I was getting ready. On the bus, it was even more hard. Everything I looked at out the window seemed to put me in tears and make me so sad.
At work, I was all bothered and kept tearing up more and more. And finally I went in the bathroom and it just all came out. I making weird little sounds as I breathed air in, and having a full-on sob. Only I couldn't stop then, the floodgates were open! I stayed in the bathroom for five minutes trying to stop crying, and then stopping for a bit only to start up again. And I kept turning on the water to hide the sounds of me crying. Eventually I thought I got it under control, blew the nose 20 times, and went to my desk where I quickly powdered my nose to hide the redness. And then I started again. So I went to the bathroom again.
Eventually I just knew that this crying was not going to stop anytime soon, there was no way. I was crying over every little thing and every little feeling and every every everything, and also about nothing. So I went to my desk and sat there with a bunch of toilet paper and tears running down my face. And when my boss came back in, I told him that I was like a 14-year-old girl with hormones streaking through me, and that I couldn't stop crying but nothing was really wrong. He was a little weirded out, but to his credit, acted way better than he normally would have. He doesn't like those girl things, so I more expected him to go in his office and not talk to me, but he did keep talking to me like normal. And eventually, he even got me some soft kleenex from down the hall, which was so sweet of him! He said my nose was getting raw! And at lunchtime, he cut me a big slice of his nectarine cause he said I needed some sugar. Coming from him, that's alot! And everyone else at work was very sweet, even if they acknowledged that it was slightly weird! The girls were all very understanding that every once in awhile, the hormones just get the best of you.
So, almost everyone in my office today saw me crying for well over two hours. And with weird eyes for the rest of the day, and with a very red nose at some points. After most of the weepies seemed to be gone, with only the occasional breakdown in tears, then my nose wouldn't stop running and it kept having terrible itchies and I kept sneezing then with the nose running almost constantly. So I took four generic tylenol cold pills and they eventually helped to thoroughly dry me out. Although, when The Meat much later asked what was wrong with my eyes and whether I'd been crying, I got teary eyes as I told him yes.
I feel exhausted from all this emotion today!
Tonight I had a volunteer meeting, so from 3:00 until 6:00 this afternoon I typed up first my report from the Auxilliary meeting, then the agenda for tonight, then made tons of copies of all this stuff and put it all together in packets for everyone. And eventually fixed myself up a little and headed out.
I hate being a leader. I don't like having to talk in front of the whole group, and run meetings, and I don't like that we have to raise $20,000 this year, and our group is kind of disjointed and the number of active members is really pretty small, compared to other chapters. And so many of them have been in the group for about 25 years, so they are very opinionated. And then there are a couple young ones like me. And a few women in their mid-30's who I like a lot and look to for guidance, since they've been in the group for so long too. But, like tonight, there were 13 of us there total, and when I was talking this little group of older women a lot of times was talking in the corner. And it makes me think that they're talking about me. One woman I just don't know how to take at all, and she knows it, cause she even said the same thing. I don't understand her sense of humor or when she's even being funny as opposed to a bitch. It all makes me really nervous. So I sped through my stuff as usual and then rushed to turn the floor over the wine party committee. The one 30-something then expertly laid everything out and presented the party for next week and what needs to happen before then.
Likewise, when I just broached on the subject of a few people meeting who wanted to be involved with an event committee and planning two more fundraisers for this year, I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know how to present the ideas that we sort of talked about earlier this year. Because this large (for me) group of women, and largely opinionated women, just intimidates me. I'm so not good with this type of situation. So the 30-something took over for me again, and presented things very nicely and got some discussion going. The hard thing is that no one ever really wants to chair these things anymore. And we have to raise $20,000! Honestly, I really don't think there's any possible way. I think $12,000 is a much more accurate figure.
Next Thursday, I think I will be having to briefly interrupt everyone at the wine party on a microphone and introduce our new Executive Director so he can give a short speech. For most people, this would not be a big deal. For me it so is!!! One of the ladies told me that our old publicity lady would write out a little script for me, so I would know what to say. Okay, maybe. But holy shit, I'm going to be literally shitting my pants. And I'm going to be bad at doing it, because I get so nervous. And I just realized that after he's done, I'm sure I'll have to take the microphone back and thank him, and then somehow thank everyone again for coming and tell them to have fun. As I write it, yes, not a big deal. But I will look so out of place saying it, and be so red, and just sound stupid, as I always do when I have to speak in public. I am going to be nervous from now until after that wine party. The German isn't coming. He's so cheap. Yes, it's $65, but he can so afford it. And last year he went to this event to support me. So I will feel quite alone there with no one in my corner!
Anyway, I left pretty much right after the meeting. Everyone else was sitting around chatting and drinking wine. But I just wanted out of there. Sometimes I feel fine at these meetings, when there aren't as many people, or when certain ones come. Other times, I feel so uncomfortable and out of place. Oh - and I didn't have any wine at all. Which I'm very proud of. That way, I didn't have even the slightest bit of a buzz that would tempt me to stop for a bottle of wine on the way home.
It's not even 10 and I'm so sleepy. I should be cleaning a little and straightening my place, since The German is coming over tomorrow night after work. But I'm too tired. And I'm listening to Air and it's very relaxing, so I'm just going to lay here and read my book for a bit and then go to sleep very early. I'll try to get up early tomorrow to do some cleaning. And I always have time after I go home, because he never comes until around 7.
Tomorrow some of these hormones better be gone. I can't believe I was the girl who cried (for forever) in front of everyone at work! But there was seriously NO helping it! Unless I stayed locked in the bathroom for that whole time! My nose will be peeling a little in a couple days and I'll have to keep a very close eye on it so it doesn't look like I have boogers!!! :)
Yes, I cried openly at work today, for two and a half hours, because I couldn't stop!!! It started this morning, right when I woke up. Little thoughts kept coming in my head, and I would tear up. On the today show they showed film of a guy who in the Katrina aftermath was crying because he didn't know where his wife, daughter, and grandchildren were. He said they WERE his life, and he could start over with them, but without them he had nothing. And last night, the were finally reunited!! And this morning he and his wife were interviewed, and his voice started cracking up and he reached for her hand. And I burst into tears until I forced myself to stop. Then they were doing a video montage of a couple who is getting married tomorrow, and at the end they put on the Dirty Dancing/Patrick Swaze song "I've had the time of my life..." and I burst into tears again. And so many little times in between, all while I was getting ready. On the bus, it was even more hard. Everything I looked at out the window seemed to put me in tears and make me so sad.
At work, I was all bothered and kept tearing up more and more. And finally I went in the bathroom and it just all came out. I making weird little sounds as I breathed air in, and having a full-on sob. Only I couldn't stop then, the floodgates were open! I stayed in the bathroom for five minutes trying to stop crying, and then stopping for a bit only to start up again. And I kept turning on the water to hide the sounds of me crying. Eventually I thought I got it under control, blew the nose 20 times, and went to my desk where I quickly powdered my nose to hide the redness. And then I started again. So I went to the bathroom again.
Eventually I just knew that this crying was not going to stop anytime soon, there was no way. I was crying over every little thing and every little feeling and every every everything, and also about nothing. So I went to my desk and sat there with a bunch of toilet paper and tears running down my face. And when my boss came back in, I told him that I was like a 14-year-old girl with hormones streaking through me, and that I couldn't stop crying but nothing was really wrong. He was a little weirded out, but to his credit, acted way better than he normally would have. He doesn't like those girl things, so I more expected him to go in his office and not talk to me, but he did keep talking to me like normal. And eventually, he even got me some soft kleenex from down the hall, which was so sweet of him! He said my nose was getting raw! And at lunchtime, he cut me a big slice of his nectarine cause he said I needed some sugar. Coming from him, that's alot! And everyone else at work was very sweet, even if they acknowledged that it was slightly weird! The girls were all very understanding that every once in awhile, the hormones just get the best of you.
So, almost everyone in my office today saw me crying for well over two hours. And with weird eyes for the rest of the day, and with a very red nose at some points. After most of the weepies seemed to be gone, with only the occasional breakdown in tears, then my nose wouldn't stop running and it kept having terrible itchies and I kept sneezing then with the nose running almost constantly. So I took four generic tylenol cold pills and they eventually helped to thoroughly dry me out. Although, when The Meat much later asked what was wrong with my eyes and whether I'd been crying, I got teary eyes as I told him yes.
I feel exhausted from all this emotion today!
Tonight I had a volunteer meeting, so from 3:00 until 6:00 this afternoon I typed up first my report from the Auxilliary meeting, then the agenda for tonight, then made tons of copies of all this stuff and put it all together in packets for everyone. And eventually fixed myself up a little and headed out.
I hate being a leader. I don't like having to talk in front of the whole group, and run meetings, and I don't like that we have to raise $20,000 this year, and our group is kind of disjointed and the number of active members is really pretty small, compared to other chapters. And so many of them have been in the group for about 25 years, so they are very opinionated. And then there are a couple young ones like me. And a few women in their mid-30's who I like a lot and look to for guidance, since they've been in the group for so long too. But, like tonight, there were 13 of us there total, and when I was talking this little group of older women a lot of times was talking in the corner. And it makes me think that they're talking about me. One woman I just don't know how to take at all, and she knows it, cause she even said the same thing. I don't understand her sense of humor or when she's even being funny as opposed to a bitch. It all makes me really nervous. So I sped through my stuff as usual and then rushed to turn the floor over the wine party committee. The one 30-something then expertly laid everything out and presented the party for next week and what needs to happen before then.
Likewise, when I just broached on the subject of a few people meeting who wanted to be involved with an event committee and planning two more fundraisers for this year, I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know how to present the ideas that we sort of talked about earlier this year. Because this large (for me) group of women, and largely opinionated women, just intimidates me. I'm so not good with this type of situation. So the 30-something took over for me again, and presented things very nicely and got some discussion going. The hard thing is that no one ever really wants to chair these things anymore. And we have to raise $20,000! Honestly, I really don't think there's any possible way. I think $12,000 is a much more accurate figure.
Next Thursday, I think I will be having to briefly interrupt everyone at the wine party on a microphone and introduce our new Executive Director so he can give a short speech. For most people, this would not be a big deal. For me it so is!!! One of the ladies told me that our old publicity lady would write out a little script for me, so I would know what to say. Okay, maybe. But holy shit, I'm going to be literally shitting my pants. And I'm going to be bad at doing it, because I get so nervous. And I just realized that after he's done, I'm sure I'll have to take the microphone back and thank him, and then somehow thank everyone again for coming and tell them to have fun. As I write it, yes, not a big deal. But I will look so out of place saying it, and be so red, and just sound stupid, as I always do when I have to speak in public. I am going to be nervous from now until after that wine party. The German isn't coming. He's so cheap. Yes, it's $65, but he can so afford it. And last year he went to this event to support me. So I will feel quite alone there with no one in my corner!
Anyway, I left pretty much right after the meeting. Everyone else was sitting around chatting and drinking wine. But I just wanted out of there. Sometimes I feel fine at these meetings, when there aren't as many people, or when certain ones come. Other times, I feel so uncomfortable and out of place. Oh - and I didn't have any wine at all. Which I'm very proud of. That way, I didn't have even the slightest bit of a buzz that would tempt me to stop for a bottle of wine on the way home.
It's not even 10 and I'm so sleepy. I should be cleaning a little and straightening my place, since The German is coming over tomorrow night after work. But I'm too tired. And I'm listening to Air and it's very relaxing, so I'm just going to lay here and read my book for a bit and then go to sleep very early. I'll try to get up early tomorrow to do some cleaning. And I always have time after I go home, because he never comes until around 7.
Tomorrow some of these hormones better be gone. I can't believe I was the girl who cried (for forever) in front of everyone at work! But there was seriously NO helping it! Unless I stayed locked in the bathroom for that whole time! My nose will be peeling a little in a couple days and I'll have to keep a very close eye on it so it doesn't look like I have boogers!!! :)
