The power of smells
I still have menstral moodiness, or more accurately, menstral sadness. Of course, it's regarding things that are always there under the surface, but usually I can look on the bright side, see the glass half full - all that crap.
Tonight, when I was sitting late at work and browsing my school's website for job postings, things started bubbling up to the surface. My dire financial situation. Me still working at this job, that I should have moved on from much earlier. It doesn't help that a new girl started working this week, who is 25 (almost 26 though), and that's how old I was when I started working here. And it makes me feel old, and reminds me that I have accomplished basically NOTHING in the past three and a half years. I still work in the same place. I am still in debt. I still don't have a boyfriend or any hope of having one. I don't have marriage or children in my near future. And I feel like I'm almost worse off emotionally and certainly behaviorally than I was then. My one good thing that I've done - adopt James and Emma. They are my bright little shining stars. But besides that I'm feeling worthless, goal-less, loveless, and just shitty all around.
I also have faced the fact that I am living beyond my means in this apartment. I thought, when I signed the lease, that because it was just $200 more a month than I was paying before, it wouldn't be a big deal. But it's become a big deal. Because I have no money. And still have bills to pay. I ignore it a lot. Like Scarlett, I tell myself that I'll think about it tomorrow. In fact, I'm wonderful at procrastinating about worrying! But today I'm thinking about it today. I went to Logan Square this morning for my first auxiliary's meeting of my volunteer group. After the meeting, I walked down Fullerton and then (after asking directions in my search for the nearest L stop) walked up Kedzie, through Logan Square. It was such a cute and cool little area! I've only been there a couple times before, and both times in cars (one of those times was a year and a half ago for dinner with Violet and Tivo!). The area has such character! And I know it's so much cheaper to live there. So I've been thinking about that all day. About moving next summer again, to a cheaper place, and also maybe to a new neighborhood. I don't always deal well with change. But I've lived in relatively the same area since I first came to Chicago. Most other people I know have ventured all over! I know The German is going to possibly look for a new place this fall, and he had mentioned Logan Square or somewhere on the blue line. So I told him today that when and if he looks, I want to go with, to explore the areas a little.
Now to The German. We started instant messaging tonight at 6, while I was still at work but just looking at jobs online that all sucked, and getting more and more depressed because I have no idea what I want to do or would like doing. And my eyes were filling up with tears every now and then until I blinked hard to make them go away. So I poured out all my frustration and insecurities and sadness to The German. We had made plans already to get together tomorrow night (which much later I had to change to Friday night after work, since I briefly forgot about a volunteer meeting tomorrow night). But after he heard my sadness, he told me to come over to his place on my way home. He first suggested we go for a walk and get a drink somewhere, but I told him I wanted to go up for just a few minutes at least. Oh, and he told me that he had "presents for me that would make me happy."
I stopped at Walgreens for cat food and tampons (yes, I had run out) and took the bus to his place. I almost started crying a couple times on the bus. That pesky menstral moodiness. And when I got off the bus at The Hancock, and walked to his place, the smell in the air was almost festive, fall coming, excitement for fall weather, for leaves changing, for Thanksgiving and for Christmas. Michigan Avenue looks festive and bright all the time, but even more so during this change of seasons. In the elevator up I almost started crying again. I knew it was pretty much a lost cause, me not crying.
So when he opened the door and kissed me (slightly to the side of my lips, which added an extra reason for me crying as my mind rushed to analyze that) and wrapped me in his big and wonderful hug, I couldn't NOT cry. I pulled back and told him the obvious, "I'm a sad kitten." He wrapped me in another all-encompassing hug. I broke away to first make a trip to the bathroom with my box of tampons.
The past weekend and week, he's been working mostly at McCormick, where there's been a show of printers and everything related to printing. So, he's been there to help demonstrate the software program of his company. However, he also manages to get some pretty cool prints. Two years ago, he got me a wall-sized print of a tiger on canvas, so beautiful! This time, he got a wall-sized print of a map of the world. And his surprise for me - he had someone there at the show print off a bunch of pictures for him, mostly around 12"x18", and he made four pictures for me! One of my favorite sunset picture, one picture I took of some different-colored rowboats upside-down along Monroe Harbor, one picture of James, Emma and I, and then, funny him, a picture of me VERY suggestively licking a banana - he said all his collegues loved that one.
After we sat on the bed and looked at all the beautiful pictures, he laid down and opened his arms for me, and I gladly went into our normal cuddle position and his strong hold on me. And then I broke down, and cried and cried and cried, while I told him all my worries. From not knowing what I want to do, to worrying that whatever other job I get I'll be terrible and inept at, to being poor, to being 29 and having no direction in life and not having accomplished anything. And he held me when I cried, and got me kleenex when I couldn't breath out of my nose, and then talked to me about a lot of it. He didn't fix it, and didn't even fix my perspective on most of it, but he did his best to make me feel that where I am is okay, and tried telling me to not measure myself by where other people are, and pointed out that whatever other job I get I will do well at because I'll be challenged. Right now I'm not feeling confident about anything, but I loved him being there for me, and I loved having a good cry, too.
After awhile he asked if I was hungry and my stomach was pointing out the fact that I had eaten three strawberries and a tiny chocolate cupcake in the morning and drank a large latte at lunchtime, but had nothing else. So he gave me the rest of his tuna salad, which at first really scared me, because two years ago when I last had it, it was nothing more than tuna, onion and garlic, and it had given me THE WORST HEARTBURN EVER, but today it was just some tuna, but mostly corn, kidney beans, sliced green and yellow peppers, and sliced green olives in a bit of caesar dressing. And it was really, really tasty! So tasty, that I'm going to make it for myself, just without the tuna, which was my least favorite part. As I was eating that, I vowed to myself that I will start eating healthier and stop drinking so much. And get my life more in order and more full somehow. We shared a beer while we searched for frames on the internet and listened to his wonderfully different music.
Afterward, I went back to his bed to look at his pictures again and pick out some of my favorites - a couple of photos he took in Guatemala. He laid back down and we cuddled again. He is absolutely the best at cuddling. He's so strong that he just makes me feel protected and cherished.
Tonight was also hard for me in a completely different way than I've previously discussed. And I didn't discuss it with him. I haven't been to his apartment in probably six months, at least. He always comes to my place. From almost my second minute in his apartment, when I was in his bathroom, the smell hit me - and no, it wasn't some gross bathroom smell!! It was the smell of his apartment and of him. And it brought back so many feelings, and so many times, and so many experiences. Of us being together, and me being in love, and sleeping over, and falling asleep together, and us cooking together and eating together to his music, of me reading in bed while he played his video games. It reminded me overall of my happiness when I was dating him, and how perfect the whole world felt. And I lost all that, and it still hurts sometimes. Like tonight, when it just came back to me so fresh.
When we talked, much later, about a guy who works in the building around the pool and workout room, the smell of his apartment brought back a completely different memory. He broke up with me on December 7, 2003, and less than a week later he left on vacation for three and half weeks. But he left me his keys, so I could go there when I wanted, and I could swim and use his workout room. I went three times a week during those weeks. And I remember sitting in his apartment and changing, and putting on a cd so it wasn't so quiet. The smell of the apartment and of him was everywhere, but it felt so empty and lonely there. And of course, my heart was dying and empty at the same time. I couldn't ever stay there too long, because it was too empty without him there. But I also didn't want to leave, because it was a part of him, and I felt and smelled him there.
So, thus the power of smells. It's amazing to me all the feelings that just the smell and feel of his apartment bring back to me. And in my melancholy mood, I still feel all of them. When I was getting ready to leave and he getting ready to walk me out, he suddenly said "oh, I think you still have some things here," and walked to the bathroom - I had a bottle of Tums and a razor in there. I just shook my head at him that I didn't want to take them now. I also still have a hairdryer under the sink that I didn't even mention. I can't bear to take these things, because it feels too final and almost like he's leaving me another time. And I almost started crying again when he tried to get me to take them, me wondering whether it was some sign that he wanted me completely out of his life. I know he didn't mean anything like that by it, he's just a guy and doesn't have a normal heart at that, and wouldn't even think that it would hurt me. I'd rather he just throw them out rather than try to give them back to me.
Right now I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. Just from being at his place and reliving all those things in my head. And I'm so scared that I'm never going to feel love again, and I'll be alone my whole life.
And all this just makes me cry again, yes, again. It doesn't help that I've been listening to Andrea Bocelli since I started writing this. Tomorrow I'm going to need some cold compresses on my eyes so I can see out from under the puffiness.
Tonight, when I was sitting late at work and browsing my school's website for job postings, things started bubbling up to the surface. My dire financial situation. Me still working at this job, that I should have moved on from much earlier. It doesn't help that a new girl started working this week, who is 25 (almost 26 though), and that's how old I was when I started working here. And it makes me feel old, and reminds me that I have accomplished basically NOTHING in the past three and a half years. I still work in the same place. I am still in debt. I still don't have a boyfriend or any hope of having one. I don't have marriage or children in my near future. And I feel like I'm almost worse off emotionally and certainly behaviorally than I was then. My one good thing that I've done - adopt James and Emma. They are my bright little shining stars. But besides that I'm feeling worthless, goal-less, loveless, and just shitty all around.
I also have faced the fact that I am living beyond my means in this apartment. I thought, when I signed the lease, that because it was just $200 more a month than I was paying before, it wouldn't be a big deal. But it's become a big deal. Because I have no money. And still have bills to pay. I ignore it a lot. Like Scarlett, I tell myself that I'll think about it tomorrow. In fact, I'm wonderful at procrastinating about worrying! But today I'm thinking about it today. I went to Logan Square this morning for my first auxiliary's meeting of my volunteer group. After the meeting, I walked down Fullerton and then (after asking directions in my search for the nearest L stop) walked up Kedzie, through Logan Square. It was such a cute and cool little area! I've only been there a couple times before, and both times in cars (one of those times was a year and a half ago for dinner with Violet and Tivo!). The area has such character! And I know it's so much cheaper to live there. So I've been thinking about that all day. About moving next summer again, to a cheaper place, and also maybe to a new neighborhood. I don't always deal well with change. But I've lived in relatively the same area since I first came to Chicago. Most other people I know have ventured all over! I know The German is going to possibly look for a new place this fall, and he had mentioned Logan Square or somewhere on the blue line. So I told him today that when and if he looks, I want to go with, to explore the areas a little.
Now to The German. We started instant messaging tonight at 6, while I was still at work but just looking at jobs online that all sucked, and getting more and more depressed because I have no idea what I want to do or would like doing. And my eyes were filling up with tears every now and then until I blinked hard to make them go away. So I poured out all my frustration and insecurities and sadness to The German. We had made plans already to get together tomorrow night (which much later I had to change to Friday night after work, since I briefly forgot about a volunteer meeting tomorrow night). But after he heard my sadness, he told me to come over to his place on my way home. He first suggested we go for a walk and get a drink somewhere, but I told him I wanted to go up for just a few minutes at least. Oh, and he told me that he had "presents for me that would make me happy."
I stopped at Walgreens for cat food and tampons (yes, I had run out) and took the bus to his place. I almost started crying a couple times on the bus. That pesky menstral moodiness. And when I got off the bus at The Hancock, and walked to his place, the smell in the air was almost festive, fall coming, excitement for fall weather, for leaves changing, for Thanksgiving and for Christmas. Michigan Avenue looks festive and bright all the time, but even more so during this change of seasons. In the elevator up I almost started crying again. I knew it was pretty much a lost cause, me not crying.
So when he opened the door and kissed me (slightly to the side of my lips, which added an extra reason for me crying as my mind rushed to analyze that) and wrapped me in his big and wonderful hug, I couldn't NOT cry. I pulled back and told him the obvious, "I'm a sad kitten." He wrapped me in another all-encompassing hug. I broke away to first make a trip to the bathroom with my box of tampons.
The past weekend and week, he's been working mostly at McCormick, where there's been a show of printers and everything related to printing. So, he's been there to help demonstrate the software program of his company. However, he also manages to get some pretty cool prints. Two years ago, he got me a wall-sized print of a tiger on canvas, so beautiful! This time, he got a wall-sized print of a map of the world. And his surprise for me - he had someone there at the show print off a bunch of pictures for him, mostly around 12"x18", and he made four pictures for me! One of my favorite sunset picture, one picture I took of some different-colored rowboats upside-down along Monroe Harbor, one picture of James, Emma and I, and then, funny him, a picture of me VERY suggestively licking a banana - he said all his collegues loved that one.
After we sat on the bed and looked at all the beautiful pictures, he laid down and opened his arms for me, and I gladly went into our normal cuddle position and his strong hold on me. And then I broke down, and cried and cried and cried, while I told him all my worries. From not knowing what I want to do, to worrying that whatever other job I get I'll be terrible and inept at, to being poor, to being 29 and having no direction in life and not having accomplished anything. And he held me when I cried, and got me kleenex when I couldn't breath out of my nose, and then talked to me about a lot of it. He didn't fix it, and didn't even fix my perspective on most of it, but he did his best to make me feel that where I am is okay, and tried telling me to not measure myself by where other people are, and pointed out that whatever other job I get I will do well at because I'll be challenged. Right now I'm not feeling confident about anything, but I loved him being there for me, and I loved having a good cry, too.
After awhile he asked if I was hungry and my stomach was pointing out the fact that I had eaten three strawberries and a tiny chocolate cupcake in the morning and drank a large latte at lunchtime, but had nothing else. So he gave me the rest of his tuna salad, which at first really scared me, because two years ago when I last had it, it was nothing more than tuna, onion and garlic, and it had given me THE WORST HEARTBURN EVER, but today it was just some tuna, but mostly corn, kidney beans, sliced green and yellow peppers, and sliced green olives in a bit of caesar dressing. And it was really, really tasty! So tasty, that I'm going to make it for myself, just without the tuna, which was my least favorite part. As I was eating that, I vowed to myself that I will start eating healthier and stop drinking so much. And get my life more in order and more full somehow. We shared a beer while we searched for frames on the internet and listened to his wonderfully different music.
Afterward, I went back to his bed to look at his pictures again and pick out some of my favorites - a couple of photos he took in Guatemala. He laid back down and we cuddled again. He is absolutely the best at cuddling. He's so strong that he just makes me feel protected and cherished.
Tonight was also hard for me in a completely different way than I've previously discussed. And I didn't discuss it with him. I haven't been to his apartment in probably six months, at least. He always comes to my place. From almost my second minute in his apartment, when I was in his bathroom, the smell hit me - and no, it wasn't some gross bathroom smell!! It was the smell of his apartment and of him. And it brought back so many feelings, and so many times, and so many experiences. Of us being together, and me being in love, and sleeping over, and falling asleep together, and us cooking together and eating together to his music, of me reading in bed while he played his video games. It reminded me overall of my happiness when I was dating him, and how perfect the whole world felt. And I lost all that, and it still hurts sometimes. Like tonight, when it just came back to me so fresh.
When we talked, much later, about a guy who works in the building around the pool and workout room, the smell of his apartment brought back a completely different memory. He broke up with me on December 7, 2003, and less than a week later he left on vacation for three and half weeks. But he left me his keys, so I could go there when I wanted, and I could swim and use his workout room. I went three times a week during those weeks. And I remember sitting in his apartment and changing, and putting on a cd so it wasn't so quiet. The smell of the apartment and of him was everywhere, but it felt so empty and lonely there. And of course, my heart was dying and empty at the same time. I couldn't ever stay there too long, because it was too empty without him there. But I also didn't want to leave, because it was a part of him, and I felt and smelled him there.
So, thus the power of smells. It's amazing to me all the feelings that just the smell and feel of his apartment bring back to me. And in my melancholy mood, I still feel all of them. When I was getting ready to leave and he getting ready to walk me out, he suddenly said "oh, I think you still have some things here," and walked to the bathroom - I had a bottle of Tums and a razor in there. I just shook my head at him that I didn't want to take them now. I also still have a hairdryer under the sink that I didn't even mention. I can't bear to take these things, because it feels too final and almost like he's leaving me another time. And I almost started crying again when he tried to get me to take them, me wondering whether it was some sign that he wanted me completely out of his life. I know he didn't mean anything like that by it, he's just a guy and doesn't have a normal heart at that, and wouldn't even think that it would hurt me. I'd rather he just throw them out rather than try to give them back to me.
Right now I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. Just from being at his place and reliving all those things in my head. And I'm so scared that I'm never going to feel love again, and I'll be alone my whole life.
And all this just makes me cry again, yes, again. It doesn't help that I've been listening to Andrea Bocelli since I started writing this. Tomorrow I'm going to need some cold compresses on my eyes so I can see out from under the puffiness.
