Quick little recap

I'm on my way to bed, but I figured I'd write something very quickly, and post a picture or two. First, my eye is 95% better. I didn't go to the doctor because it felt about 65% better on Friday morning. When I squeeze my eye shut, or blink hard, I still feel a little something, but I believe that hopefully (knock on wood quick!) whatever it was has been healing on its own. Yay!

The weekend was pretty busy so I was really lazy all afternoon and evening tonight, and it felt great for the most part - but I'm very happy to be going to work tomorrow for company and some normalcy (I don't know if I spelled that right but I'm not going to take the time to look it up right now).

Anyway, here's a picture I took on Saturday night of a very cool church. I've never been inside it, but I like it because it offers services in English, Spanish, and - most cool - German! And also, it just looks so incredibly cool from the outside!

And because I'm not in a typing mood, here's another picture - a very crazy-colored duck that was walking around on Saturday morning, with the most intense red eyes:

Hmmm, what else? Here's a slightly blurry picture of one of the desserts from Saturday night at TeaGschwendner - the desserts were so yummy, as was the tea and everything else. It's such a cool little place! And I was given a very cool gift of the tea I liked, the special measuring spoon, and the little book of teas offered!

Well damn, now I'm looking at that picture and wishing I could have some chocolate mousse cake as a bedtime snack! What else? I've listened to the Garden State soundtrack about ten times today - that's not even an exaggeration because it may well be more than that. And since I last wrote, I've hung out with SP and The German (not at the same time, of course), and experienced some new and fun stuff with another guy who I'll call Angus, and I didn't return some calls that I need to get to returning. Okay, that's enough - I'm way too tired to go into any details of anything, so I'm off to bed so I can get up early and get to work on time in the morning!!

Eye problems and other stuff

I'm having eye problems and have been having them since yesterday morning. I either have a little cut under my eyelid or a little growth or something in there, but as a result, my eye has been seriously bothering me. It bothers me when I blink, and bothers me sometimes when I close my eye, and bothers me when I look around. It really sucks.

I didn't go to a doctor today, but if it's still the same tomorrow I'll be getting it checked out. And anything I have tried putting in it - from saline to Visine - just stings and then makes it even worse for awhile. It's really annoying, and I also really can't wait to have my eye back to normal again. Right now it seems to feel best when I close my eyes, and also I'm tired (a surprise, I know), so this may be short.

Tonight I met Florida, Ogio, and the whole Team F out at a bar after belly dancing class. Ogio and his family are moving to Arizona, and tomorrow is his last day at work, and also last day formally working as a lawyer (you lucky bastard!), so he was celebrating and his co-workers were having a little goodbye thing for him. I had such a wonderful time with everyone, and I loved finally meeting a couple people whose names I had heard so many times before. I wish Ogio wasn't leaving, of course, because he's such a fun guy and I love seeing him now and then - and he's also quite silly so he makes me laugh! And I also wish he wasn't leaving for Florida, because it'll be harder on her without him there. But I still had a fabulous time tonight, and I took a bunch of silly pictures!!

I had such a fun day at work today, too. I was able to get my complete fix of The Meat as we chatted a lot and laughed a lot. And I told Freckles all the details of my date last night, and to a slightly lesser extent, also told The Meat. And a very silly guy from downstairs came up and made us laugh and told us some funny little stories.

I can't think anymore because I keep falling asleep.

Random things

This is a small part of Roger Ebert's review of the movie The Notorious Bettie Page. It really struck me, so I copied it and have looked at it a number of times since:

"The tone of the movie is subdued and reflective. It does not defend pornography, but regards it (in its 1950s incarnation) with subdued nostalgia for a more innocent time. There is a kind of sadness in the movie as we reflect that most of these women and the men they inflamed are now dead; their lust is like an old forgotten song."

I like the last sentence but you need to read the first two for context. I keep reading the last sentence over and over again. It's lyrical, and also so true and yes, sad. I often feel this way when I look at old pictures of long dead strangers, or even when I see video of famous people from long ago: all those people were so alive then, their lives were colorful, their lives affected others' lives - but now they're all gone, or at least that time is gone. And we all will also be gone someday and some person will maybe run across a picture of us and wonder what we were thinking at the time, and who we loved and what gave us joy. When I look at old pictures, I almost feel an obligation to wonder about the objects of the camera, if only to keep them alive for a few seconds longer. I really can't stop reading this quote.

Change in subject. It was so fucking cold outside today, like going back to the middle of winter. My feet still aren't warm and my hands seem to just be warming up now. But speaking of feet, I bought two pairs of shoes today! They're so sexy and pretty, both of them! My only thing - deciding if I got the right size. I'm wearing one pair right now and yes, my feet would be warmer if I put socks on, but I love my new shoes! And because I'm kind of poor, I hardly ever go out and get new sexy heels, so this is a real treat! Anyway though, I bought size 7 in both of them, but I usually wear 7 1/2. For one they only had the 7 and it feels good and fits perfect, but I know that if you stand and walk a lot then feet swell a little. So I just can't decide yet. I think I'll have to go to a different store and try on a 7 1/2 to see. With the other one, I tried on 7 1/2 first and my feet were sliding around in them a little so I went to the 7, and again it feels like a perfect fit, but I'm worried because I haven't worn a 7 since I was in middle school. And I don't want to spend all this money and get the wrong size! This is a very important decision!! :)

I also got the absolute cutest shirt ever created yesterday! And it looks just amazing! It's sleeveless and the top of it is black lace with little fake buttons down the middle and little ruffles of lace around the buttons. Oh it's just amazingly pretty!!! And I have always loved that kind of romantic look of black lace - it seems so old world Spain to me! (Remember Cabbage Patch Kids - the second one I got, and first one I got to choose for myself, was a girl from Spain who wore a dark pink satin dress with lots of black lace all over it, and she had a black lace shawl to wear over her hair.) Anyway, I'll have to take a picture of the shirt on sometime and post it, because it's just so so so so pretty! And makes me want summer weather to come so I can wear it out! And with the new shoes!!!

Tonight I got together with a friend of mine from law school - I'm going to call him Master Prosecutor! We get together now and then to catch up and have fun, and he always has the best stories that I just love listening to! He sees things and learns about things that for me are more the subject of movies and novels. It's absolutely fascinating! We sat for awhile in the fancy cool lobby of the W hotel downtown and had a drink (mine non-alcoholic, of course!) and when it got ridiculously cold (I wore my coat in there the whole time) we headed out, and were both kind of tired once we got in his warm car. In the next couple weeks, when it's actually warm outside, we're going to find a fun place to sit outside and have dinner. I've had quite a few adventures with Master Prosecutor, and it had been awhile since we'd gotten together (my fault mostly), so it was good to see him again. And when we go to dinner I'm going to have to start taking notes about the stuff he sees so I can incorporate some of it in a book someday!

Last night I talked on the phone to The Coach for over an hour. He was extremely stressed and really bothered by some stuff related to his coaching, so we talked about that the whole time, which was fine with me since he really needed to get it off his chest and also have someone to listen to him. However, once again he has failed to follow through when he tells me he'll email me. At the end of the conversation last night he said he'd email me tomorrow (today) and no surprise to me, no email ever arrived. It's become a pattern, and is not impressive. He also seems to think that a short text message counts as meaningful communication, which is total crap. Two other things that entered my mind while talking to him - 1) his whole life essentially is sports, and 2) he feels very strongly about doing the right thing, and about what things are wrong, and while I agree with some of what he says, I think he's very black and white about things and that is not a good thing - and I know this because my father is very black and white and it often drives me crazy, and also is not, I believe, an indication of an open mind. In short, The Coach's negatives are starting to really stack up, and although I think he's a very good guy, and I will also still go out with him a couple more times to give him a chance, I'm thinking right now that he is not at all the guy for me.

Tomorrow night I'm meeting someone new for the first time, and we're going out to dinner at a fancy schmancy place that will be very different and cool! I will say that I'm quite looking forward to it!! And that's all I'm going to say!

There are many other things that I could talk about, such as the book I just started, The Meat, my cleaning apartment plans, my love for my kittens, my still freezing cold feet (I'm definitely taking the sexy shoes off and putting socks on in two minutes) - but, I'm ridiculously tired and my eyes just really, really want to shut. So I'm going to instead go wash my face and go to bed really early tonight!

Exotic dancing and other fun stuff!

[p.s. I love this post! I just read it over to check for spelling and all that crap, and I'm very happy with it! :) I just wanted to share, because I'm in a silly good mood!!]

I just got my period, so I feel back to normal instead of feeling so insecure and so intensely tired! But then again, maybe that's somewhat normal, too. Hmmm. Anyway, though, I'm a happy girl because of it!

I had a good day, which is good considering that I had hardly anything planned! Well first, last night after work I got my bikini wax and I love it because I feel clean again. The girl took off a little more than I was expecting, though. I told her to do a little triangle and when afterwards I looked, I first thought she'd done the triangle upside-down, but then saw that it actually looked more like a diamond, and was a very small diamond at that! Oh well, because it's pretty and I'm clean and thus happy. And no kneeling while my butt got done this time, I was just more in the position of a seal - lifting my chest and reaching back with both hands to spread the butt cheeks. So funny! (And the picture I found for a diamond shape is just cracking me up here!!!!)

After that I met The German and made him go to PetSmart with me so he could help me carry a bunch of cat food back. And then we went to a very cute little Italian restaurant that's half a block from me but that I'd never been to. It was very nice and very yummy, but I had to pop four tums when I got home and had a bit of a stomach ache for a good two hours after eating - not a full feeling but I think it was a no-galbladder kind of pain. When The German left, I stayed on the couch because my stomach was feeling good there and also because I was so tired, and I of course fell asleep right there but managed to move to my bed at 4 a.m. when James woke me up.

This morning I slept in a bit and would have kept sleeping but The German called and told me I had to get out of bed and go outside for a bit because the weather was so nice. So he was going to come up and walk around with me before he caught the train up to his boat. Then five minutes later, as I was still laying in bed and contemplating whether I could just sleep for half an hour more or should get up, my building manager called because the future renters of my apartment wanted to look at it. I told him that they could come up in twenty minutes.

Just the guy had been to look at it a couple weeks ago and even then he was on the phone with his girlfriend for a good ten minutes while walking around and answering a bunch of questions. And when eventually saying he would take it, was hoping that his girlfriend would approve and asking the manager what would happen if his girlfriend didn't like it. I knew then that he was a pussyass, and that she was the complete boss, and when I saw them together today it was apparent that I was right in my assessment. He stood like a little mouse while she looked around and asked me a bunch of questions. That's the last kind of guy I would want to be with! Bleh!

But anyway, The German came a little after that and we headed outside into the amazing weather! He had about forty minutes before he had to get on the bus to the train, so I got a coffee and we walked to the zoo and saw the wolves, the lions and tigers, walked by the camels and goats and such, and saw the pigs, and then I walked him to his bus and continued on home.

After I showered and prettied myself up, and packed up my high heels in my backpack, I went to meet Violet for our hour and a half class called Introduction to The Art of Exotic Dancing. And the class was so fucking amazing!!! Every single woman should take this class! There were I think fourteen women in our class, or maybe twelve, and we ranged completely in age, experience and body type. But as our instructor told us at the beginning, the class was for us, to learn a few moves and realize our sensuality and gain confidence, so even if we never danced for anyone ever, we would realize how sexy and gorgeous we all were. Because we women can tend to be just slightly critical of ourselves! This class was as much about sexy dancing as it was about seeing ourselves as sexy creatures - how cool is that!

So let's see - we learned the sexy little walk where we take a step and drag our other foot forward, and we learned to put our hips into it, and then our arms into it with the come-hither movements, as well as body tracing movements (which I personally love!), and then we moved onto eye contact, which for many of us is the hardest. First we were just doing our sexy walks forward towards the mirrors, and then stopping to stare at ourselves. Then she had half of us stand on one side of the room and half on the other side, and we were paired up with someone we didn't know, and each side of the room had to take turns, first just walking toward our partner on the other side while maintaining eye contact, and then doing the whole sexy walk toward them while maintaining eye contact. I was first a little nervous about that, and it was slightly awkward - the keeping eye contact with a strange girl - but it turned out to be okay, and all of us were laughing and clapping for each other, it was so wonderful!! Strange women encouraging each other and all having fun and being sexy! Then we went back to doing our own walks toward the mirror, and we learned the standing hip swivel and half hip swivel, and then the hip swivel while on our knees, and how to get down to our knees and back up, and also the leaning forward with our hands spread high against the wall while hip swiveling (Violet and I liked that - the frisk-look!), and also the sliding on our back down the wall and doing a quick opening wide of the legs. Oh, and we also got to use the little feather boas, and of course have our high heels on!

The whole class was just amazing!!! And there's a slightly more in-depth class that lasts three hours, where they teach the same things we learned today but also floor moves and some other stuff. And there's also another class that teaches some chair dancing! I want to take both!! I love sexy dancing, and honestly, when I dance by myself at home I do all the sexy arm moves and body tracing and little hip swivels, so this is just giving me more to work with!! It's so wonderful to remind yourself that you're hot and sexy!! :) Oh - and I need to get a full-length cheap mirror that I can set out to practice my walking moves - both for this exotic dancing and more importantly, for belly dancing, which is surprisingly hard! This class just seriously kicked ass!!!! Every woman should take it!!!

After the class I walked for awhile and then stopped and got a manicure and pedicure - which I only do a couple times a year usually, because I'm cheap and can do it myself. But it was only $40 for both, so this place was pretty cheap! And my feet now are in pretty shape for the start of summer! Only I think I picked too bright of a nailpolish for my feet (my fingernails are clear) so I may have to put a lighter color on top of it tonight. I love feeling pampered right now, though! My hands and feet feel so soft! And I loved the wonderful massage chair during the pedicure!

Right now I'm very relaxed, and also feel fulfilled and very positive. I haven't turned the TV on all day and I love that. Instead I'm listening to wonderful music, and I hear the noises from outside because the balcony door is open, and James and Emma are on the couch with me. I feel good! And I finally called my grandma a couple nights ago, so I'm happy about that, and it was so nice talking to her. I saw that my grandpa called while I was getting my pedicure so I'll try calling him maybe tomorrow morning or else tomorrow night.

Oh - at work on Friday, everyone was joking about me having a blog because this one guy found out that I had one and decided to tell everyone under the sun. A couple people said they were going to try to find it. As a result, I'm seriously thinking about either deleting everything but the last month of it (after printing it all out, of course), or deleting this one entirely and restarting a new one. I'm leaning maybe toward the first option, just to get rid of some of the stuff out there should anyone find this who I wouldn't want reading EVERYTHING.

I'm going to paint my dollhouse now! Finally! I haven't done anything on it for about a month due my stupid laziness and just sitting on the couch with the stupid TV on. But not tonight! Last night I was talking to The German about my frustration with myself and my never doing anything and lacking energy, and about how I was so excited when I stopped drinking because I believed I'd be accomplishing all kinds of things every evening instead of drinking. Well, I'm not drinking, but I'm also not accomplishing anything. I had talked to The Meat about it during the week, and he said I need to just start doing something as soon as I get home and most importantly, not turn on the TV or it just sucks you in and sucks the life out of you, and it's so true! So I was telling all this to The German, and he said to me, "It's your choice now. Either you do something or you don't, but you have the ability to do anything now that you're not drinking, so it's all up to you."

And he's so right! It seems so simple! I can't blame anything anymore, so it's all up to me and it's my choice whether to get off the couch and accomplish things, and whether I get out there and live life. And in a way, I feel empowered just by thinking that - that I can do anything, but it's up to me to make the choice and to do it.

So with that said, I'm now going to go paint my dollhouse! [Only I want to play my music on the stereo while I do it (right now it's just playing low on my computer) but also I told this guy who's visiting his sister who lives with the maintenance guy that he could stop by if he wanted to and show me a couple new chords on guitar (but I didn't really mean it - I'm just so bad at saying no!) - and now he's come by and knocked on my door two times already this evening and I just haven't answered, because I guess I'm a bit of a pussyass myself, and I know I'd end up saying yes to some other specific time if not now, but I really don't want him in here and showing me anything on the guitar so I'm just being quiet in here and not answering and thus not having to deal with it. And after all, he'll be gone in a few days or so, so I just need to be quiet in here until then! Yes, I'm definitely a pussyass!] Now I'll paint the dollhouse and just put the computer near me there! :)

A date and bad me sleeping

I just got back from my date with The Coach, and I had a very good time! He picked me up at the train and then drove me all over the area, showing me huge homes, Victorian homes, old mobster houses, houses by a famous architect, parks, schools, all kinds of things. He also drove me by his childhood home, in which his parents and grandmother still live, and also past his current home. Then we went to a little seafood restaurant and had appetizers and chatted. A fellow coach of his who is also one of his best friends happened to be there with his girlfriend, so I briefly met them. And after all that, he drove me home and walked me in. It was a fun date!

I have a couple of concerns right now, but I'm going to definitely wait and see. First, we still aren't always talking great. And he talks a lot about his job. Not that I'm not interested, because I usually find most things interesting, but I just notice that we aren't yet having really stimulating discussions. But I also think that he gets nervous sometimes, or even often, so our lack of perfect talking may have something to do with that. But that leads me to my second concern, which is a worry that he might be either kind of inexperienced with relationships or else just a guy's guy. Don't get me wrong - he's very sweet, and opens doors for me, and is a perfect gentleman, but I think I'd have to work on him as to how to be a good boyfriend - if I end up dating him, that is. And I usually like guys who are experienced in life and who I can learn from, and not have to teach. Oh and third, I'd like him to be a little more decisive. I don't know if it's because he's trying to be a good date and make a good impression, but he lets me choose how hungry I am, where we should sit, if we should get all our food at once, etc. I don't like doing all that. I like a guy to take control and make the decisions.

But he is very cute, he's very nice, and he has a lot of really good qualities, so I'll just have to wait and see as to my concerns. I still had a really good time tonight!!

I took the day off today. It was bad of me, yes. And I really haven't taken a day off to sleep since I stopped drinking, at least I don't think I have. Anyway, it's been a long time since I've taken a day off just because I've been really really tired. But I did today. Last night I fell asleep on the couch directly after posting and cuddling again with James (about 9:30 p.m.), and although James woke me up numerous times throughout the night and morning to cuddle, I never managed to wake up enough to move from the couch to my bed, or to wash my face. And even in the morning, my mom had to call twice before I even heard it, and then I managed to talk with her while knowing full well that I was going to lay my head down the second I hung up, and my eyes were even slowly closing all while talking to her. When The German called, I was asleep but had the phone by my head, and I told him I was going to take a half day off. But I didn't manage to really wake up and sit up until 11:30, so instead I had to take the full day off.

But by the end of the afternoon, I felt like a real loser. I was craving human contact, and feeling so bad about myself for being so tired and not waking up to go to work. So anyway though - I'm really looking forward to going to work tomorrow!!! I miss everyone when I'm not there, and also tomorrow morning I'll feel like I'm doing the walk of shame, because everyone will tease me about taking a day off because I was too tired to go to work!

So that's all that's happened in the past day - I slept forever and I had a good date.

I've also felt a little off for the past few days. There are tons of things, thoughts or feelings floating around in my mind, but none are really solid so that I can grasp onto them. And there are just little pieces floating around here and there, so I don't even know what they are, just that there are a bunch of things in there. So instead I'm left feeling somewhat discombobulated (sp?), and also without a lot to write about since I can't whittle the stuff in my head to tangible thoughts in order to even know what I'm thinking. It's really frustrating me.

So hopefully this thing, whatever it is, will pass, and I'll soon have my normal brain back again. And then I'll be able to organize all my thoughts a little right here again!

Sleepy

I'm so tired, so incredibly sleepy. It's almost 8 p.m. and I'm going to be asleep probably in half an hour. It's because I actually did my laundry last night, as I swore I would. But the washers were all taken up early so I didn't go back down until about 11:30 p.m. and somehow I didn't get to bed until 4 a.m. It ALWAYS takes me so long between sorting, putting the stuff in the washers, going back and putting it all in the dryers, and folding and hanging and all that crap. I don't exactly know HOW it takes that long, but it does. But at least my laundry is all done!

However, I discovered why I can't go four weeks without doing laundry - when I brought a few items back upstairs to hang dry after putting the rest in the dryers, I discovered that at least one shirt wasn't even completely wet. I guess that's why I shouldn't cram the washers so full. So from now on I'll do it every two weeks and the loads will be smaller, and I'll feel better all around and also have clothes that are completely cleaned!

And I dropped my taxes off at the post office last night after work, so that's done!

Oh, and The Coach postponed our date to tomorrow night because he's sick, but he called me anyway last evening and we talked for half an hour until his cold medicine started kicking in. And it was fun talking to him and I'm really excited about seeing him tomorrow night!

I keep thinking about a story I heard on the news yesterday morning, and was going to write about it even before I read NWC's wonderful post about the most amazing love we feel for our pets. The news story was so incredibly sad, and it hasn't ever been far from my mind since I heard it. On Easter, a man, I believe he was 39, drowned at Montrose Harbor after he jumped in to try to save his two dogs, who had fallen off the edge. One of the dogs drowned and the other is missing, so I'm sure it drowned as well. I can't stop thinking about how awful that is - because of course the man was going to jump in - I could NEVER stand by and do nothing as my babies were struggling to stay alive. But to have him die, and them die as well - it's just too tragic and too sad. And I can't stop thinking about it because it's just so incredibly awful and unfair.

My eyes keep wanting to close. [20 minutes just passed because my sweet James came over and cuddled on my chest and in my arms as I was laying here on the couch - he was purring the whole time! Pets give the most amazing joy and unconditional acceptance. They are truly little angels of happiness!]

SP came over tonight for awhile and as always, our time was incredibly hot and fun, and he is always reminding me how amazing I am, in so many different ways and on so many different levels :) I love that!

And what else? Last night I got a text message from The Sheriff. It's been probably two years since we've been intimate, but he still calls me, emails me or texts me now and then. He usually tells me how much he misses me and misses hearing about my life and seeing my eyes - stuff like that which is equally sweet and cheesy. He's really a very sweet guy, but also very young. Yesterday's text, though, takes the whole cake in the cheesiness category, although even cheesiness doesn't fully describe it:

"Hope your doing well really mis u and your 3cats, imean your 2 and your love muscle"

Wait, WHAT? My LOVE MUSCLE!? I don't know if he was drunk, but even that doesn't explain or excuse the awfulness that is the term "love muscle"! And no, I haven't yet responded and I don't have any plans to respond. And I know I'll get another text or email at some random time in the future, but please GOD, don't let it include the term "love muscle"!!!!

I'm so so so so so so so so sleepy, so I'm off...

Sailboats and Easter Eggs :)

I took this picture on Friday afternoon, after Florida, The Meat and I all went fishing! It was a fabulous time! And I just love amazing clouds and light, so I love how this picture turned out!

On Saturday, The German came over early and we went to breakfast and then caught the train up north, to just south of the Wisconsin border. The train ride was fun because we passed through all kinds of little suburbs, and then his new boat was also fabulous! At first I was all girly and scared to touch anything because there might be spiders or it might be dirty, but I very quickly got used to it and was walking all over the boat like an almost expert(!) and going up and down the ladder we had set up. But I still gave a little scream whenever I did spot a spider, and stayed very far away from it and/or had The German get rid of it for me.

We got a good amount of work done while we were there - fixed a few little things and checked out others and made plans for other stuff. And we also saw how sailboats are moved, which was pretty cool! It was a very fun afternoon overall, except for one thing - it got so fucking cold outside! I put my jacket on as soon as we got off the train due to the cold wind off the lake, and by the time we got back on the train at 7:00 in the evening, I was half frozen! But I'm getting very excited now to go sailing for the first time ever!

On the way back towards the city, my aunt, uncle and little cousins picked me up at one of the train stops - they greeted me with a cute little sign with my name on it, so cute!!! We went to their place and my cousins ran me all over, showing me all kinds of things. They are so cute, and were so excited - I just loved it! After awhile we ate some dinner and then set to dying the easter eggs, which was so fun! I haven't done that in years, since my brother and I were little! And after my cousins went to bed, I stayed up for a little longer talking with my aunt and uncle before we all went to bed.

This morning my cousins ran all over the house looking for the dyed eggs and other plastic eggs that were hidden all over. It was fun to watch because they were having so much and were so quick running all over! Later on we drove up to Wisconsin for brunch at a little lodge, which was nice. But when we left it had started raining and the rain only got stronger and stronger, so we just drove around Lake Geneva a little instead of walking. On the way up there we watched the movie Mean Girls, which I hadn't seen before, and on the way back we watched much of A Series of Unfortunate Events, which I also hadn't seen - my cousins let me choose the movies! :)

So it was a fun Easter! Although for some reason I'm never completely myself around them all. Maybe it's just because I need to see them more often. But I feel boring and kind of blah when I'm there. And somehow don't feel comfortable with myself. And also, I feel a little fat and ugly - well, that's kind of harsh - it's really more like feeling very ordinary and not very pretty and just boring. I get the fat and ugly feeling sometimes when I go home at my parents' place, too. Not always, but it's terrible when I do, and makes me feel relieved when I get home. Hmmm. But still - despite my sometimes weird feelings, which were really much more today than yesterday, I really did have a wonderful time with them and I just loved and adored being with my family and doing little family things! And I'm going to make an effort to see them more often!

And speaking of my family, I haven't posted pictures of my cutest, sweetest, most-wonderful-in-the-whole-world kittens in awhile!!! So here is little Emmalove, and then my beautiful Jamesbaby!

I'm so tired now. I really planned on doing laundry today after I got back. It's definitely been a full four weeks since I've done it! I'm getting desperate! But it's way way way too late to start now, and I'm so so so sleepy, and I've thought about it and I have a clean outfit to wear tomorrow to work and afterward to see The Coach. So it can wait for just one more day! But tomorrow night I really think I'm going to have to drink coffee when I get home from my date, and do that motherfucking laundry even if I don't get any sleep! I'll definately have four loads to do, and maybe five. So hopefully no one else will be doing any so I can do all the loads at once!

That was a really long paragraph for just talking about laundry. I need to go to sleep now so I don't start writing about vacuuming and dusting and other equally boring shit.

Quick update

This is going to be a very quick post, because The German is going to be here in an hour and a half to go to breakfast and then catch the train north to see his boat! And I still need to shower!

I had a date last night with The Coach and it was absolutely wonderful! We're not very good on the phone together, but when we see each other I really, really, really like him! And on Monday I'm taking the train out to his area after work and he's going to give me the tour of everything! I'm excited!!!! He's SUCH a good guy, and very cute to boot!

After seeing The German's boat and doing some work on it, I'm going to somehow get to my aunt and uncle's place tonight - either by my uncle picking me up at one of the train stops on my way back into the city, or me taking a different train out to his area, or him coming into the city to pick me up. I'll be calling him after I shower so I know what to pack and what the plan is! I'll spend the night with them and my sweet little cousins at their house, and tomorrow morning we're going to go up to the Lake Geneva area!!! I'm so so so so excited about this, because I've heard so much about Lake Geneva, and seriously everyone in Chicago goes up there, so this will be so fun! I'm going to recharge my camera battery as soon as I finish this!

I still didn't do laundry and am fucking pissed as hell at myself!!! What the fuck is my problem? So I have to find something to wear for up at the boat and working, and then for tonight at my uncle's and then for tomorrow walking around. I think I'll have to wear something that isn't perfectly clean, but also isn't dirty or smelly at all. It sounds just lovely, I know.

I need coffee like a mo-fo right now so I'm off to get that started before getting in the shower. I think I might sleep on the train a little, cause I'm so tired right now.

Happy Easter everyone!

PMS, stresses and A Grandpa Letter

I was pretty scary this afternoon. I was like the guy in the video from my post yesterday. One moment I was outrageously pissed off and the next I was crying. I knew even in my mind how funny it was, but I just couldn't control the emotions!

First I got really, really, really, really frustrated during a settlement-type conference. One person involved just was not getting it. And no one was correcting him. And everyone was allowed to go on and on and on and on. After an hour and a half I couldn't take it anymore and had to leave the room or I was going to either throw someone out the window or run my head into a wall.

Directly after that I checked my email and found another one of my grandpa's infamous wise and caring but very insulting emails. The last one was in August so I guess I was due. When I get these emails I try really hard not to let them bother me. I try not to be pissed. I try not to be hurt. But he fucking knows how to get under my skin!! And there's always an undercurrent of truth and wisdom hidden in the insulting way he writes them! I might as well share this one, too:

"Dear [Caterpillar],

Seriously, I would very much like to see you headed in the right direction before I die.

Everyone would like to see you in a better position with pay comparable to your worth.

However, do not take a job just to get higher pay. It is of highest importance that you should enjoy your work. When we enjoy our work, we excel. But differentiate between enjoying work and the comfort factor. If in nature comfort came first, no bird would fly. Comfort should be from family, church, and friends - never from the work area.

You know as well as everyone else that if you don't make a move to a different job right now, you will be white haired and working for young [bosses] who will get annoyed with you - but you will be trapped and with a pension so low that you will need welfare. [WTF is that! Yes, I could get paid more, and I complain about being poor, but I'm not fucking destitute!!]

Would a refresher course - 6 months or so - open doors for you? How much would it cost? [And NO, I don't need a refresher course and doors are not CLOSED to me - I'm just fucking picky about where I want to work, and lazy about looking!]

Sign up with agencies - widen your scope - seek professional help in finding a position where you would enjoy the work (absolutely no comfort zone).

Get a new position in the next three months and I will give you a $5,000 bonus. [This is nothing new - he has tried to bribe me many times before, some of which I took and others not.]

Love, Grandpa"

So like I said, I TRIED not to let this bother me. But it did. I vented to Florida about it and then printed it off and showed it to The Meat and Wake Forest.

The Meat told me, as he has before, to not let anyone control me. And he sat down and wrote out a complete response, which was absolutely perfect when I read it. It didn't take a hurt or angry tone at all but instead was expressing thanks for his caring and for his advice, and nicely explaining my current feelings and situation, and then giving him an update on all that I'm doing to improve my life right now. And of course accepting the $5,000 anytime he wants to send it!

After reading The Meat's response, I calmed down and was able to take that step back and not let my grandpa or his email control me. Which was good, because even while The Meat was writing, I burst into tears for a short while before I was distracted by something else!

After that, The Meat and I started talking about jobs and as always, he assured me that we'll find something that's right for me, that will make me happy. And then we started discussing different possibilities a little, and he also told me that I made a good choice regarding not wanting the job I just interviewed for - he used to work there and told me how he often felt very conflicted there. Having him back up my instincts made me feel so good, and what with the stress of just talking about other jobs when I really have no idea what I want to do at all, I again burst into tears and stopped the stressful talk. And then I flew back into a mini rage when my boss came down and reported on the still ongoing conference - not rage at my boss, mind you, but at the other participants, and one in particular. So The Meat insisted that I go home and go for a walk to enjoy the good weather - and stop scaring them with my rollercoaster emotions (and it was 5:30 already anyway)!

The German came over for an hour tonight after he bought some power tools for his boat, and he brought me a slice of chocolate cake from the Austrian bakery to make me feel a little better. And it worked, especially when I got to take pictures of him with all his new tools - which are just so completely out of character for him!

This morning I went to the Auxiliary meeting for my volunteer group, and tomorrow night we have our chapter general meeting. I have bellydancing from 5:30-6:30, the meeting at 7:00, and I'll leave by 8:15 to get to merengue from 9:00-10:00. I'm not so good with such a busy schedule. It really stresses me out. And our general meetings always stress me out. But both dancing classes will be fun, and I'll be with Violet for both of them, so those parts of the night will be good!

I was reminded this morning of all the things I need to do for my volunteer group, and many before tomorrow's meeting. Tomorrow I'll be spending a lot of time on that stuff. And thankfully, my term as president is coming to a close in a couple months, but I need to send out a survey, get a nominating committee together, and many other things as well. And I'm so bad because as the whole thing stresses me out so much, I take the Scarlett O'Hara route and say I'll think about it tomorrow. Only I say that every day. And then I feel so bad and it makes me want to think about it all even less. I'm just 1) not a leader and 2) absolutely fucking terrible at organization and even at remembering to do things and follow through with things. I'm terrible. And seriously piss myself off. So anyway, the whole group will be so much better without me psuedo-running things.

Enough of that. I'll think about it tomorrow - and I really will this time because I have to. But now I need to get to bed because it's so late and I'm so tired. And I still didn't do laundry that I was supposed to do over a week ago. And I also didn't clean my gross kitchen or anything else. I'm the laziest person alive 99% of the time. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why am I that way? Why can't I have more energy and more drive?

A bit of moodiness

I think I'm entering pms. Both yesterday and today I was at times overly sensitive and analyzing people's actions or inactions regarding a million little things. And today I got irritable a few times, and a little impatient. Oh and I almost started crying when I was writing an email to Florida and telling her how wonderful she is. And I'm yawning like a mo-fo, and it's not even 10 p.m. yet. But then again, me being tired at night isn't anything new.

My worry today at times was that maybe people at my work wanted me to get the job because they're ready to move on and not have me around. I know, know that I'm being paranoid, but this is my blog so I get to write about what I feel, even if I know it's crap even as I write it.

Speaking of pms, there's the funniest video comedy snippet I just got in an email, called Monthly Man. If you haven't seen it, click here. It talks about a hormone pill for men so they can have the full hormonal experience - complete with sudden crying, sudden anger, and sudden insecurity. It's hilarious!!!

I emailed with my uncle today and he called tonight and invited me out to their house for Easter. It made me so happy, both talking to him tonight and knowing that I'll see him, my aunt and my little cousins in a few days! And depending on what I do on Saturday, he said they could pick me up Saturday night and I could spend the night, or they could get me on Sunday morning. I'm so happy, I love my family!!!

Today I got to work at 9:52 which wasn't good but considering my past week, it's an improvement. James was a big help by walking back and forth, over and over again, right across my face and chest, and pawing my face, and purring loudly the whole time. He's so sweet! And little Emma was sitting on the floor right over the edge of the bed mewing very often. They both did so good in waking their kitten mama up today!!!

I'm off to exfoliate and all that shit, and I got new powder and also some new night moisturizer, so hopefully tomorrow will be a better face day. And I realized today as I was looking at my flat hair that I need a bit of a trim, so I need to schedule a haircut appointment tomorrow. And then I'll hopefully be looking good again, at least in my own mind, which is often the most important!

Horror in the mirror!

My skin is looking just hideous this morning!!! I look like I'm 45! Or 50! Seriously! I was staring in the mirror this morning as I was getting ready and it looked like there were wrinkles everywhere and dry skin here and there - it was fucking scary as hell!!!!

Tonight I'm going to have to do some serious exfoliation, and somehow some serious moisturizing, and I also really need a new powder because hopefully that's part of the problem. Otherwise I'm going to have to go visit the botox lab asap!! (Just kidding!)

In other news, it is absolutely and fabulously gorgeous outside!!!! Spring is here!!!! And I brought my backpack so I'm going to walk home after work - yay!

Cubs, tulips and phone sex

First, a picture of the sunrise on Sunday morning (James woke me up really early - he was so hyper and scratching on my nightstand - and when I saw the pretty sunrise I jumped out of bed and took some pictures before going back to sweet bed for awhile!):

And on Sunday night I went to the Cubs game with FireCracker, TW and FC2, thanks to some free tickets from FireCracker's work! It was so fun!!! And so cold by the end of the night! But since FireCracker and TW are such experts, they came armed with blankets to keep us all a little warmer. And the Cubs won! It was a great game - lots of hits, lots of action, and a very exciting 8th inning for the Cubs. And being out in the cold watching a game reminded me a little of high school football and the excitement of Friday night games!! A couple of pictures from the game:


Today I did very very bad with waking up. First my mom called at 7:00 a.m. and I talked to her but 3/4ths dazed and went back to sleep as soon as I got off the phone. I was so so so so tired. And also, my room was on fire due to the heat I had set blasting last night so I could warm up after the game, and also from the sun shining directly in the room. Then The German called at 8:00 and I was still dazed. I pretended to him that I was sitting up and completely ready to get in the shower. (I'm sometimes very bad when I'm half asleep in the morning, and have been known to tell blatant lies.) James and Emma kept jumping on the bed and crying for me to wake up and I'd manage to reach my hand up to pet them once before giving up. And when the sun was shining in my eyes, I actually put my pillow over my head and kept sleeping instead of taking that as a clear sign to get up. So long story short, I didn't get to work until just before 11:00 a.m. Very very unacceptable.

I was given flowers today!!! Forty tulips in four different colors!!! I LOVE tulips - they're so perfect, so perfectly colored, so happy, so elegant, so fresh, so natural, and have such perfect form and lines to them. I have them in two glasses now and I can't stop looking at them (I don't have any vases because unlike the tulips, I apparently am not so elegant as to own a vase).

While I love the tulips, I don't like the guy who gave them to me. He's actually kind of creepy and has been for awhile, for at least two years. He's a deputy who works on the ground floor, and I often go past him in the morning to get into the building. He always tries to stop me or to hold my hand as I walk by, and always says often embarrassing things in front of other lawyers who are walking through, and blows kisses at me. I get it, he likes me. But he's so forward and embarrassing about it. And he should get that I don't like it, and don't like him in that way. Otherwise I would have accepted one of his many offers to make me breakfast!

This morning as I walked by he asked me what my favorite flower was and said he was going to buy some for me and bring them upstairs. When he came up I was a little surprised and a little embarrassed, but I hugged him. And it turns out that today is the one-year anniversary of his brother's death from cancer, so maybe he just needed that hug and to get his mind off of his brother. It brought me outside my own embarrassment and made me remember that sometimes people just need some attention and something to make them happy. I'll thank him again tomorrow morning when I see him, and give him another hug. But after that, I'm still going to go back to always being nice but also always walking by him before he can grab my hand. But I do love my flowers!!

Oh - and tonight I had phone sex, and that was a first for me! It was hot!!!

Too much time on my hands and cute puppies!

I borrowed this idea from Paula, and spent WAY too much time today picking out which hair looked closest to mine (it was hard!), and which pants I wanted to wear, and which shirt, and which shoes, and which background (sunny and green to celebrate spring!), and what other little things (like the kitten) to add. And then I spent forever looking at all the different fully-designed dolls. A waste of time: kind of. But worth it: yes, so much fun! And I also kind of wish I looked as perfect as this doll I designed looks!

I did hardly anything else today, and I loved it. Although by tomorrow I will SO need to get out of the house. But I really, really needed a lazy day, and an antisocial day.

Thanks to following a link from Cute Overload, I found the most perfect puppy EVER!!! I wish I could adopt this little girl (he's actually a boy, but I like girl dogs better so I'm pretending) and cuddle with her all the time!!!

For anyone who doesn't know, she's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and I have adored this breed for years now. My dog growing up, Muffin, who I loved so absolutely and completely, was an English Cocker Spaniel, so I'm kind of partial to spaniels. Just look at that little face!!! So so so so cute!!! I'll also put up a picture of this little baby with some of her litter-mates, because - well because puppies are just so cute and I want to show another picture of the cuteness!

What else did I do today? I was so incredibly hot and horny - more so than in a long time - and did quite a lot of playing which was good but didn't completely satisfy me no matter how much I played. I both love and hate that. And I don't think the horniness is going to go away for awhile!

Hmmm, I have nothing else to say. Which is kind of strange, because I can usually find lots to talk about! Oh well, I'm tired even though I slept until 12:30 this afternoon (not on purpose though - I fell asleep last night on the couch and woke up at 9 a.m. and moved to my bed and set the alarm for 10 and then at 10 I reset it to 11, and at 12:30 thank GOD I woke up when my building manager called to tell me she was bringing some people up to look at my apartment - I was mostly naked in my bed so it would have been slightly awkward to have them walk in to that!). I'm going to go read in bed for awhile now and hopefully fall asleep soon so I can wake up early tomorrow morning and have a full day as opposed to today!

I'm too tired to think of a title

I'm listening to some of the belly dancing songs that have downloaded so far - and it's making me want to belly dance a little!!

Okay first, the interview. It went okay but wasn't the best. I liked the guy and he was very friendly and all that, but throughout the whole thing I just didn't get the kind of vibe that we were very similar. I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. Maybe that he's much too serious or just that the job is very serious. Also, when he really got down to describing the job, I knew with certainty that I wouldn't be happy there. It's way too much courtroom time, and not just appearing but actively arguing matters. That's not something I'm good at nor would I enjoy it, and especially not five days a week. It would actually be more like torture and I'd never want to get out of bed in the morning to start the day. It also became apparent that while the attorneys all get along wonderfully, they don't necessarily have as close of a working relationship with the rest of the office staff. And the office was so quiet and had no life to it - I felt even when I first walked in that it would suck the life out of me.

I think I answered a couple questions badly, too. Not badly for me, because I kind of told the truth, but badly if I really, really wanted this job. And he seemed to understand and at the end of the interview he actually suggested another government agency that I might look into if I didn't get this job. Which was nice of him, and I think he's actually very correct in that agency being a better fit for me. But of course, it let me know for sure that I wasn't going to be getting an offer. Which is fine and all, but at the same time didn't make me feel fabulous if I'm being honest. Which is a little silly I know, but even if I don't want someone, I always want them to want me.

By the end of the interview, I felt a little bit like I did back when I was a sophomore in high school and was on the basketball team but never got off the bench, which was okay because I actually didn't want to be put in the game, especially not as a pity thing at the end of a game we were either assured of winning or assured of losing. At the end of the season the coach gave us a sheet with all our stats on it, and I was beyond mortified to see zeros all across for me, except for one foul that I got (at least there were two other girls in my boat with zeros as well, so I wasn't completely alone). But it was so humiliating and I wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. I would much rather he have left me off the sheet altogether rather than draw attention to my complete inadequacy. I took the sheet of paper home with me and hid it in one of my drawers and I still haven't ever shown anyone because it would still be too painful for me to let anyone see it. Now, that time was way way way way way worse than this, but I feel a bit of the same feelings deep inside right now.

The one thing that really pissed me off about myself was that I started very strong and upbeat, but at some point during the whole interview all my energy left and I moved inward and also felt so young and completely inadequate. When I got back to my office, I couldn't wait to change out of my suit and into my real clothes - when I wear the suit I just don't feel like me, but like I'm pretending and wearing someone else's clothes.

So anyway, that was that. And I honestly don't feel disappointed in the least, and I wouldn't take the job even if it was offered to me. But the feelings of being a failure and poser are still inside just a little bit. But enough about all that, because there are many more fun things to talk about!

After I got back to my office everyone was gone but The Meat had come back from the Cubs game for just a bit, and it made me so happy to be able to talk to him for a short while, and to see how he cares for me and likes me just as I am - so I regained some self-confidence and remembered that I also like me just the way I am!

Then I met Florida and we took the train and walked in fucking freezing cold and insanely strong winds to her place, and then Asparagus, Florida and I drove to a little tea shop near us (and yes, we drove instead of walked, but like I said - it was insanely cold out with the wind!). The tea place was actually really cool and it was fun smelling all the different blends and then shooting the shit with them. And we told ourselves that we weren't dorks for sitting in a tea place on a Friday night and instead we were trendy! And I really think we were cool and trendy and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else! And also, Florida pointed out that it would be a great date place because it was pretty light, comfortable, they served light food, and it was something so different - and I'm totally going to remember that! I love the idea of a date there!

After awhile at the tea shop, I received the call I'd been waiting for - SP was almost at my place! So Florida and Asparagus dropped me off at home and I went up to get ready for SP. I put on my low-cut belly dancing pants and a short little camisole top, and although I didn't get to demostrate my new moves at the beginning, when he was dressing to leave awhile later I put the outfit back on and showed him my hip movements and also my current favorite on myself - the snake-like roll viewed from the side. He liked that one! We had a short time tonight but it was perfect - a perfect amount of action (starting with him standing behind me while we faced the mirror in the bathroom, and him half-undressing me as he moved his hands all over me, and him sucking on my earlobe and biting my neck as I watched him in the mirror and held my hands on his head and moved my butt against him, and then him walking me to the bedroom and throwing me on the bed - oh it was all so amazing!), a good amount of kissing (while I laid on him straddling him and he rubbed my back, neck, arms, and head), and also some good sharing.

The Coach called tonight but I didn't answer. I called back later and got his voicemail so left a message. And I was hoping to just get voicemail, because I didn't feel like talking much. I'm so tired again. The German also called - he was actually really sweet and called soon after my interview to find out how it went. I called him later tonight and gave him the full story and of course we chatted about many other things as well.

And now I'm really, really, really sleepy. Tomorrow I'll do laundry. And no excuses! And I think I just want a really quiet day because I've been so stressed this week. I want to sleep, and to catch up on my internet reading, and to work on my dollhouse, and sleep some more. And I know there are some other things as well, but I'm too tired to think of them right now.

New apartment (yay!!!), belly dancing, and a few other things

I was so tired last night, and instead of doing laundry I let myself fall asleep on my couch. The Coach called late and woke me up so that I was able to move to my bed after talking to him.

So I have two exciting pieces of news:

1) I got the call this morning and I got the apartment I applied for!!!!! Yay!!!!! Now I don't have to worry anymore and things are in order and life is good! And I can start planning as to how I'll place my furniture and what colors I'll paint the walls. So fun!!! And now I can't wait to move to my new place and new neighborhood, but that won't be happening until the end of May. (My new apartment is just like the picture, only mirror image!)

The one and only thing - I have to come up with the security deposit of $875, so I'm going to have to borrow it from The German. I haven't told him yet, but I know he'll loan it to me. I'll make this loan a short-term loan and pay him back with the money I'm saving from the cheaper rent. My savings account still has money but not enough to cover the security deposit because first, I bought the dollhouse of out it and second, bought clothes out of it, and third, I'm taking dance classes out of it. But my rent will be only $875/month instead of $1225 ($1265 if I had renewed), so that's huge!! And for the first month I get $200 off, which will help with moving expenses. But still - fuck!!! I'm running out of money AGAIN!!! I motherfucking hate being poor!

2) Tonight I started a kick-ass belly dancing class with Violet and I am so excited by it!!! However, we discovered tonight that this shit is seriously hard! The hip swings, the hip jerks - that alone was seriously hard without even adding in the steps and arms and remembering to keep the chest raised and the chin up. However, watching the teacher, Angelina, was enough inspiration for me. I want to be like her, or as close to her as I can get! And I want my stomach to look like hers - strong and muscular but with feminine shape and just enough softness.

So now I want to start practicing, but honestly, I don't remember much! Angelina was going back and forth between the newbies like Violet and I, and the intermediate students, so we didn't get too much drilled into our heads today. However, at the end of class a couple of our fellow newbies led a mini-revolt, and from now on there will be two classes so us newbies will get a full hour of her undivided attention.

On the way home I took a little detour to Best Buy to see if there was a belly dancing dvd I could buy and also a belly dancing cd - because the music is so cool and I love that Middle Eastern-type sound. Anyway though, Best Buy failed me. And for the last hour I've been looking at different belly dancing music and instructional dvds on Amazon, and I'm also downloading some random stuff so I'll see how that turns out. No one can ever say that I don't jump in 100% when I first like something!!! (But I admit that I have a less-than-stellar track record at sticking to all my different things for the extreme long term.)

And before I go to bed, I'm going to work on some of the stuff that I do remember. I love that my belly and especially sides are slightly sore even now!! It's a good workout because it makes me use different muscles than I'm used to using! Anyway though, tomorrow The Meat and Queen are going to want me to show them something I learned, and I don't want to look like an idiot so I have to practice something to display to them tomorrow. I'll show them some of the hip stuff I learned and some of the sexy walk, and tonight I'll try to add in what arm movements I remember. Oh and I'll practice my snake movements to see if I can get them right! But I'm practicing it all in front of the mirror tonight because I'm only going to show them what I know looks good already! I'm so excited though!!! I want to be an expert belly dancer now!!!

In other news, a couple days ago I was walking down the hallway at work and heard something behind me - a guy I knew in law school had popped out of a door and was calling me over. Here's what I remember about him - he was a really funny guy, but there was also an overtone of creepiness or sleaziness to him. He would crack me up, but also regularly give me long intense looks that said "I want to get in your pants."

One of the first things he asked was whether I was married and/or had children. A normal question, but he wasn't asking in the normal way. But he had me laughing in general and I was of course flattered by his quite obvious attention. He had to step out for a bit but after that he came back to see me, and that time the first thing out of his mouth was "you're hot." The way he said it, in just a matter-of-fact tone, had me both cracking up and blushing a bit! He ended up asking for my phone number so he could text me, and he said we should go out, and also told me in so many words that since I wasn't dating anyone I should have fun with him.

That night, I received the following text message from him, which still has me laughing while shaking my head: Damn u r hot. Time has treated u well. U need new play-friend. When I texted back, I said it was good seeing him and that I'd have to give it some thought. I'm bad, and I admit that I want to see what he'll do next, and also, it does make me feel pretty fucking good having someone tell me straight out that I'm hot! :) He called today but I didn't answer, and he left a message that ended with "I want to get a drink with you." Not asking me, but telling me. He's a character!

Tomorrow is my rescheduled interview, at 4 p.m. I'm not really nervous yet because it still feels so far away. And while I want to do well in the interview, I have kind of developed an it'll-happen-if-it's-meant-to-be attitude. Because I don't know if I really want the job, if I could do it (because I feel really inept sometimes), and also whether I could leave the people at my current job. So I'm sort of leaving it to fate. Also, I've talked to the guy who'll be interviewing me before on the phone, and he was so nice and I really enjoyed talking with him, so I feel that this will be the same. Of course, I'll be reviewing all my material beforehand, but I'm still pretty relaxed overall.

What else? I didn't do my laundry again tonight. I piss myself off. This means that tomorrow night I really really need to get the shit done! SP may be coming over for a bit after work, so I'll do it after that.

I also really want to have a reading by an astrologist (or is it astrologer?). I've never had one done but I've wanted to for years. My aunt has had readings done by this one woman who does it by phone and sends you a tape of the phone conversation afterward. After I finish typing here I'll check out her prices. I may have to wait for a little bit, since I'm really low on cash right now. But maybe I can figure something out.

And finally, the only other thing on my mind - I'm horny as fucking bloody hell right now!!!!

Oh - and tomorrow is James and Emma's 3rd birthday!!! Happy Birthday to my sweetest babies!!!

Sleepy Update

I'm too tired to write tonight, and I know I've said that before and then gone on to write forever, but not tonight. I can't even keep my eyes open. So here's the very short story and I'll expound a bit more tomorrow:

1) I stayed up until 2 a.m. last night cleaning my place, and it's absolutely gorgeous!!

2) I got a call at 10 a.m. this morning, just when I was starting to get really nervous about the interview, and the head guy (who I actually spoke with on the phone just before I sent in my application as The Meat used to work with him, at the same agency) was really busy today so my interview is rescheduled for Friday at 4 p.m. But I'm wondering now whether I should call back and move it to next week, which was also an option given besides Friday. Because he may be stressed or wanting to leave at 4 p.m. on Friday! I'll talk to The Meat about it tomorrow, and my boss, and others. Silly S has already said he'd recommend rescheduling.

3) I visited two apartments this evening and in between sat at a Starbucks for awhile, walked around, and was spotted by FireCracker when she was driving by, so she drove me all around the streets so I could take pictures of any signs with phone numbers and apartment availability signs. It was a fun little excursion!

I liked the first apartment alot, it was pretty cool and very unique. The second apartment pretty much sucked even though it was really big and had a deck in back and yard area behind. And so when I got home, and after reviewing the pictures I took, I applied online for the first apartment and debited the $35 credit check fee. Tomorrow I'll call to confirm that they received it and see if there's anyone else who got an application in before me.

I feel really good, because the place was very cool and I'm already excited about how I'll decorate it and thinking about where I'll put everything! And what colors I want to paint various walls! And it has lots of windows for James and Emma to look out of, and it also is right in front so looking at the street! I really hope now that no one is in front of me, because I just want to get this one and be able to be excited and not have to stress anymore. And when walking around, I'm so incredibly excited about this new neighborhood!!! It's so supercool and just has such a great feeling to it, and there are so many little streets for me to explore now!

And that's all - I'm making myself stop and go to bed!! I actually intended to write only one sentence for each of the three main points, so I went quite above and beyond and need to stop myself before I type another one of my books!! Goodnight! And thank you for the good wishes for the interview, too! I'll hold them close for either Friday or next week!

Apartment hunting worries, interview worries and a bunch of shit I have to do!

I'm starting to get really nervous and freaked out about finding an apartment!!!!! Because I called my current apartment building this morning and confirmed that I'm not renewing. And because when I called this afternoon on one apartment building with two available apartments, they were both already gone. And there are hardly any out there as it is! Tomorrow night at 6:00 I'm going to see one place. There are pictures online and with paint and decorations I could make it look really cool. Although the kitchen is seriously lacking and pretty awful. If I like that place and get it, I'd really consider hanging some sort of decorative curtain between the kitchen and dining room to hide the ugliness. But what if I don't like it? Or worse, what if I sort of like it but don't love it? Do I take it because there aren't many out there or do I hold out and risk there not being anything else? Oh it's just too stressful! (Yes, I know I'm being a bit overdramatic and it's not all that bad, and things could be far worse, but I'm just whining for a bit right now.)

I also have my interview tomorrow afternoon for the possible job. I really haven't even let myself hardly think about it yet. Because every time I do, my thought process jumps to possibly being offered the job, and then to having to leave my current job, and I burst into tears. Regardless of where I am - street, bus, breakfast, office, couch, anywhere. But I'm really telling myself now that this is just the interview. There are more qualified people who applied, so there's no guarantee that I'd even get an offer. So I'll just go there and be my normally fabulous self! But tonight I better try on my only suit to make sure it looks good, and I also need to review some stuff that I printed off the internet.

But first, I need to clean my apartment! And it's already after 11 p.m. I am so fucking lazy sometimes!!! It needs to be cleaned because my apartment manager is bringing a girl to see it tomorrow, and so I need to 1) straighten the living room, 2) clean the kitchen, 3) clean the bathroom, 4) straighten the bedroom and hang up clothes on my dresser, 5) hide some of the crap that I leave sitting around my door, and 6) close my armoire doors to hide the clutter (that will be the first thing I do cause it's the easiest and I can check something off my list!).

I also need to finish reviewing a complaint by tomorrow morning (I've already looked over the motion but need to think about a couple things). I wish I had started actually being productive as soon as I came home so I wouldn't be sitting here now with so much to do!

I also was bad this morning and didn't get to work until 11:00 a.m. And that was only because The German called me this morning to make sure I woke up, and he didn't let me off the phone until he heard me in the kitchen feeding the babies. Which is a really good thing and I thanked him later, because even while I was sitting up in bed talking to him and knowing that I needed to get up because I was so late, I was 50% going to go back to sleep. Tomorrow, I need absolutely to be there by 9:30 at the latest. I think I'll set one of my alarm clocks out in the hallway.

I'm going to get started with my list of things to do - my huge list of things, in one more minute. But one more thing - The Meat was back at work today after being on vacation last week, and it was so so so good to have him back. It had been really quiet last week and the office lacked its normal sparkle which is The Meat. So I feel so relieved and happy that he's back!

Oh - and The Coach called me tonight and we talked for awhile. It was pretty good and I'm feeling confident enough now to be more of myself. Also, since I've actually met him now, it's much easier to talk on the phone. We talked about his stuff for a long time and then I talked about my stuff - basically what I just wrote about here - and he listened all the while I was talking and responded, but I'm not sure he responded enough or was paying enough attention. Hmmmm. If he's selfish he'll be back at the curb! But he said he would call me tomorrow to find out how my interview went and how I liked the apartment. I like him so far but have worries as well, but at the very least, it's nice to have a fun distraction!

And now, I'm going to go get started on my list of things to do! Wish me luck on my interview tomorrow, and also that the apartment will be so super-cool or else really, really suck!

Apartment-hunting and guys

I'm starting to feel really stressed about finding a new apartment! Last night I spent forever searching online for available apartments and there aren't many in the area where I'm looking. I was hoping for many, many more from which to choose! Fuck! There's one company that has a few nice-looking buildings and they had photo albums online of their apartments - if they let me paint the walls, then I can see these apartments looking really nice and I could make them look so super-cool!

BUT, the big, huge, monstrous downfall is that there's no dishwasher in any of them!!! I can't even keep my kitchen clean WITH a dishwasher, and it's the one thing that I told myself I'd never, ever compromise on. But all of the places in Lincoln Square are older, and I think most of them up there don't have dishwashers. But they're also between $300-$400/month cheaper than what I'm paying now and would be paying if I renewed.

So I'm starting to rethink my dishwasher necessity, for just a year, in order to save money. After all, I've been changing my life in many ways for the better and some of that has been really hard, so I can manage to regularly clean my dishes by hand, right? Maybe? Anyway, I'm going to call this one company tomorrow and see when I can go see the apartments. It will be so completely different if I get one of them, because 1) they have wood floors, 2) they're old, 3) they have old bathrooms, 4) they're in smaller buildings, and 5) they are completely opposite of what I live in now. But like I said, as long as I can paint, I could make many of them into really cool apartments. And then I'll also find out whether I can like living in a vintage apartment or not.

Now onto my Friday night date with The Coach - it went really well!! Seriously, it was fun and pretty comfortable and he was cute and was a really good guy! He came over a little after 9:00 p.m. and I went downstairs to meet him, and I immediately thought he looked much better in person than he did in his pictures. He's very boyishly cute but looked a little older in person, which was a good thing. He didn't seem like he was quite 5'11" though.

One of my flaws is that when I'm called upon to make plans or pick a place to go, every possible idea flees instantly from my mind. So when I knew he was parking by me and we'd go out by me, I couldn't come up with a single idea of where to go or what to do. I told him exactly that when we walked outside after meeting, and he seems to be as easy-going as I am because when I asked him if he was hungry or thirsty or what, he didn't give me a real answer. But he did help out by pointing out the Caribou Coffee and so we decided to go there first and talk and then decide where else to go.

At Caribou, he was good because after we ordered our respective coffees and I pulled out my wallet, he said "put that away" in a rather cute way. And then we talked for a long time there, mostly all about his job and school, but then we got into some other fun talk which I can't remember exactly what it was now, but it was fun and comfortable. When the coffee shop closed down, we walked outside without a plan and started just strolling while talking and inside my head I was thinking madly about where we could go next. The wind started blowing really hard after a couple blocks so I pointed out a little restaurant and he liked the idea.

We stayed there until midnight and talked well the whole time. I ordered a cranberry juice and he ordered a coke, and we shared one of their small gourmet pizzas. We talked about a lot of stuff, including politics and the world and such, and I was happy to find out that he's of the same political persuasion as I am, and he's very interested in politics. And also seems pretty open-minded about things, and very easy-going. We also talked about our families a bit, and he also let me know, in a good way, that he is financially secure, and also thinks of the future. And we also laughed a good amount, which is of course a necessity.

We eventually left and - oh yes, he was a gentleman and opened all doors for me. He walked me to my building and just inside, and then I turned and said "I had really good time tonight!" and he said the same - "I did too, a really good time," and then he leaned in so I did, too, and we hugged and kissed each other on the cheek, and he said he'd call me later this weekend. [It's 10:30 and he hasn't called yet, but I don't worry about it because I know he had a good time, too. Although it is a bit rude to say he was going to call and then not call.]

So anyway, the date was really good! And I was really happy afterward, which is a good sign. He's a very, very good person. Next time I see him I'm going to have to ask him what his flaws are, because I need to see that he's not TOO good. I want a good person deep down and overall, but a little badness as well, otherwise it's too boring. So that's worry #1 - too good. Worry #2 - I didn't see or get any sexual vibe, and I'm a sexual person and need a sexual guy. So I worry that he'd be boring in bed - not that I'll be checking that out anytime soon at all, though. Worry #3 - he's Catholic. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, and I have many friends who are Catholic, but I can't be due to some basic problems I have with the Catholic faith and bureaucracy, and in my experience, most Catholics wouldn't consider being anything else but that. And I also won't raise my children as Catholics. So I'll have to explore at a later date, if we even get that far, just how strong of a Catholic he is.

Other stuff that happened on Friday - I had a very good lunch with Violet, I met Guy #2 for coffee and discovered that he's been in AA for three years after being an alcoholic for years, previously had panic attacks, and is also sometimes a hypochondriac - so we're way too alike in all the bad ways, and if I had kids with him, they would be completely fucked up. And he still does the really weird thing with his lower lip when he talks, and he talks too loud. I like him and he's a good person, but I know we won't be anything more than friends. And then, before my date with The Coach, I had a quick and hot 45-minute rendezvous with SP here - yes, I know that I'm very bad!

On Saturday, The German came over and because the weather wasn't too good, we didn't go see his boat. Instead we went to breakfast and then walked through every isle of Home Depot looking for stuff he could use on his boat. I also told him about my good date with The Coach and also about my love affair with SP. I have never really told him about any other guys before or if he asked if I was dating anyone, I told him only about the negatives of guys I had gone on dates with. And I never told him about sex with anyone. So this was a big first. And it felt completely and wonderfully comfortable. I also told him that a part of me will always be in love with him - I started crying when I said that and he hugged me and gave me a kiss. I feel that our friendship has really grown, because I have finally allowed myself to open up about other parts of my life, and it went perfectly. And also showed me that I've moved on, but that our friendship has grown at the same time. So I feel really good right now, also that I can talk to him about everything now!

And today, well today I slept in until 2:30 - I apparently really needed some sleep - and I haven't showered or dressed or put on makeup or brushed my hair. But it's okay, because I deserved a truly lazy day. I also watched Unfaithful and was of course completely aroused by the sex scenes, especially the one in the hallway! :)

Here's one more picture from last weekend in California. It's not perfect, but I keep going back to look at it so there must be something good in it!