PMS, stresses and A Grandpa Letter

I was pretty scary this afternoon. I was like the guy in the video from my post yesterday. One moment I was outrageously pissed off and the next I was crying. I knew even in my mind how funny it was, but I just couldn't control the emotions!

First I got really, really, really, really frustrated during a settlement-type conference. One person involved just was not getting it. And no one was correcting him. And everyone was allowed to go on and on and on and on. After an hour and a half I couldn't take it anymore and had to leave the room or I was going to either throw someone out the window or run my head into a wall.

Directly after that I checked my email and found another one of my grandpa's infamous wise and caring but very insulting emails. The last one was in August so I guess I was due. When I get these emails I try really hard not to let them bother me. I try not to be pissed. I try not to be hurt. But he fucking knows how to get under my skin!! And there's always an undercurrent of truth and wisdom hidden in the insulting way he writes them! I might as well share this one, too:

"Dear [Caterpillar],

Seriously, I would very much like to see you headed in the right direction before I die.

Everyone would like to see you in a better position with pay comparable to your worth.

However, do not take a job just to get higher pay. It is of highest importance that you should enjoy your work. When we enjoy our work, we excel. But differentiate between enjoying work and the comfort factor. If in nature comfort came first, no bird would fly. Comfort should be from family, church, and friends - never from the work area.

You know as well as everyone else that if you don't make a move to a different job right now, you will be white haired and working for young [bosses] who will get annoyed with you - but you will be trapped and with a pension so low that you will need welfare. [WTF is that! Yes, I could get paid more, and I complain about being poor, but I'm not fucking destitute!!]

Would a refresher course - 6 months or so - open doors for you? How much would it cost? [And NO, I don't need a refresher course and doors are not CLOSED to me - I'm just fucking picky about where I want to work, and lazy about looking!]

Sign up with agencies - widen your scope - seek professional help in finding a position where you would enjoy the work (absolutely no comfort zone).

Get a new position in the next three months and I will give you a $5,000 bonus. [This is nothing new - he has tried to bribe me many times before, some of which I took and others not.]

Love, Grandpa"

So like I said, I TRIED not to let this bother me. But it did. I vented to Florida about it and then printed it off and showed it to The Meat and Wake Forest.

The Meat told me, as he has before, to not let anyone control me. And he sat down and wrote out a complete response, which was absolutely perfect when I read it. It didn't take a hurt or angry tone at all but instead was expressing thanks for his caring and for his advice, and nicely explaining my current feelings and situation, and then giving him an update on all that I'm doing to improve my life right now. And of course accepting the $5,000 anytime he wants to send it!

After reading The Meat's response, I calmed down and was able to take that step back and not let my grandpa or his email control me. Which was good, because even while The Meat was writing, I burst into tears for a short while before I was distracted by something else!

After that, The Meat and I started talking about jobs and as always, he assured me that we'll find something that's right for me, that will make me happy. And then we started discussing different possibilities a little, and he also told me that I made a good choice regarding not wanting the job I just interviewed for - he used to work there and told me how he often felt very conflicted there. Having him back up my instincts made me feel so good, and what with the stress of just talking about other jobs when I really have no idea what I want to do at all, I again burst into tears and stopped the stressful talk. And then I flew back into a mini rage when my boss came down and reported on the still ongoing conference - not rage at my boss, mind you, but at the other participants, and one in particular. So The Meat insisted that I go home and go for a walk to enjoy the good weather - and stop scaring them with my rollercoaster emotions (and it was 5:30 already anyway)!

The German came over for an hour tonight after he bought some power tools for his boat, and he brought me a slice of chocolate cake from the Austrian bakery to make me feel a little better. And it worked, especially when I got to take pictures of him with all his new tools - which are just so completely out of character for him!

This morning I went to the Auxiliary meeting for my volunteer group, and tomorrow night we have our chapter general meeting. I have bellydancing from 5:30-6:30, the meeting at 7:00, and I'll leave by 8:15 to get to merengue from 9:00-10:00. I'm not so good with such a busy schedule. It really stresses me out. And our general meetings always stress me out. But both dancing classes will be fun, and I'll be with Violet for both of them, so those parts of the night will be good!

I was reminded this morning of all the things I need to do for my volunteer group, and many before tomorrow's meeting. Tomorrow I'll be spending a lot of time on that stuff. And thankfully, my term as president is coming to a close in a couple months, but I need to send out a survey, get a nominating committee together, and many other things as well. And I'm so bad because as the whole thing stresses me out so much, I take the Scarlett O'Hara route and say I'll think about it tomorrow. Only I say that every day. And then I feel so bad and it makes me want to think about it all even less. I'm just 1) not a leader and 2) absolutely fucking terrible at organization and even at remembering to do things and follow through with things. I'm terrible. And seriously piss myself off. So anyway, the whole group will be so much better without me psuedo-running things.

Enough of that. I'll think about it tomorrow - and I really will this time because I have to. But now I need to get to bed because it's so late and I'm so tired. And I still didn't do laundry that I was supposed to do over a week ago. And I also didn't clean my gross kitchen or anything else. I'm the laziest person alive 99% of the time. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why am I that way? Why can't I have more energy and more drive?