My new goal: waking up on time

I just spent the last hour and a half pouring myself out into my private diary blog, so my fingers are pretty tired of typing. Also, it’s 10:40 right now and I had planned on going to bed at 10 – it really, really bothers me, much more than people know, that I am so inconsistent with getting up in the morning. Some mornings, less frequently, I’m able to get myself up when my first alarm goes off. More often, I turn off the first one while barely waking up, then when the second goes off I launch to the end of the bed and turn it off, but lay back down and reset the first one so I can get a little more sleep. And then my mom calls and half the time I get up after talking to her and half the time I go back to sleep, telling myself that I need just a few more minutes of sleep. As a result, it’s almost impossible for me to get to work even close to on time. And even when I get up from the first alarm, I fuck around and am so slow that I leave really late.

So, it bothers me enormously that I have very little self-control in the morning. It bothers me that I get to work consistently late. And it bothers me that sometime, when I get a new job, I’ll have to start being on time and won’t know how or be able to do it. So my plan is to try to shift my schedule and go to bed earlier from now on, by 11 at the latest. And then hopefully I’ll be more able to force myself to get up in the morning. This is big job for me, because I’m a true night person and can so easily stay up so late doing not much of anything.

My current mood is kind of lonely, reflective, and a bit sad. And resigned. I’ve been, on my own self-prescription, taking only one or two of my antidepressant pills a day instead of the three per day that I’m supposed to take. I think I’ll go back up to three per day for awhile, until I get over this current sadness. Just so I won’t have the fog overhead and instead be able to see the sunshine in the distance.

I’m also going to call my doctor’s nurse tomorrow morning and see if she can fit me in either tomorrow or on Friday. I want to talk to her about a couple of things, and also, my mom just last week, through her genealogy research, found my dad’s mother’s father’s two brother’s families, and discovered that not only have they had alcoholism in their lines and early-onset breast cancer, but also vitamin B12 deficiencies – for which they need a monthly shot (the pills don’t work). My dad just got tested but hasn’t gotten his results back. I’d like to be tested as well, just to see. I seem to be tired a lot, even though I sleep a lot, so I’d love to find some chemical reason behind it that can be treated. It’s probably wishful thinking, but I’d still like to know.

It’s exactly 11 p.m. now so my latest bedtime. I just need to clean out the litter pan and fill up the humidifier, and then I’ll be blissfully asleep!

My weekend

I'm very tired so don't have the energy to do a full update.

On Friday night I met Violet, FireCracker and FC2 for a wonderful dinner at Uncle Julio's Hacienda. It was fun to hang out with them and chat about all kinds of things. And we're going to take a couple cooking classes and Violet and I are looking into a belly dancing class! Yay! The waiter brought out sopapillas (sp?) for dessert with a candle in the middle to celebrate FireCracker's upcoming birthday, and we sang Happy Birthday to her :) And I'm happy that I'm getting to know them better - sometimes it takes me awhile to really open up and be completely me with people, and it frustrates me when I can feel that. Because more often I can be me right away. I know you two will read this, so know that I was a little off that night but am getting better!

On Saturday I slept in until noon and then got ready, vacuumed and generally straightened up a little in preparation for my dad's arrival, and then walked to the dollhouse store and picked up my new dollhouse kit! I'm not going to put the porch on so I chose a front door that's much more Italian and the lady there cut that size into the front piece. And I also added a side door opening on one side of the house so I chose the door and she cut that. I took a cab back here and then ran back out to get some milk and juice for my dad being here, then took a shower, and then unpacked all the dollhouse pieces. And there are way more little pieces than I had expected, but still this is a more simple house to build I know. Thank God I didn't get really overconfident in my as-yet-nonexistent skills and decide to start out with a really complicated one!

Soon afterwards I got a call from my dad downstairs so I buzzed him up. He was pretty exhausted after his 5-hour drive to Milwaukee, walk around the woodworking show, and then hour and a half drive to Chicago. We relaxed for awhile here and chatted, and then got off our lazy butts and walked to a little Scottish pub for dinner. We both had fish and chips - yummy!

He was in a really reflective mood over dinner, and also a kind of uncharacteristic talkative and sharing mood. So he told me about his current plan to retire in a year and a half, and options for what my parents would do after that. He said they'd like to live in a warmer place for half the year after that, but they can't leave my grandma up in Michigan, so there's no perfect plan yet. Also, they might want to then sell the cottage at some time, but in order for them not to be taxed on the earnings, it has to be their primary residence (lived in six months out of the year) for two out of five years prior to selling it. The summer/cottage season is pretty short in Michigan, so he's not looking forward to having to live there for six months. And also, it takes 45 minutes for him to get to work from there, so he doesn't like that much, either. I tried to turn him from the negative by pointing out that's it good to look at options and try to develop a plan, but it's something to look forward to, a new adventure, so he shouldn't be getting so down about the details and nitty-gritty stuff. Of course, I'm much more go-with-the-flow than he is, but still, I like to see him happy and not emotionally stressed.

Then he talked about how things are changing and going to be different now that my brother is living in Atlanta and owning his own home. He's sure that my brother will want us to come there for one holiday either this year or next year at the latest, and then again there's the question of what to do with my grandma, because we can't leave her alone for a holiday. And then also, it's expensive to fly around holidays, and driving would just take way too long. I can understand his feelings regarding this. We have always had every Thanksgiving and every Christmas at my parents. And I don't like the idea of that changing, either. But we both know it will, and that every year will be kind of up in the air. I told him that at least I'm not married and with my own home, too, to make it even more complicated! :)

And then he talked a lot about my Aunt Judy and how her cancer is progressing, and how some of the various drugs have stopped working at keeping her cancer at bay. And I know it's weighing on him because as the problem-solver, he can't do anything. And he feels things inside but doesn't really know how to express them very often. We talked about the advances that are constantly being made with cancer treatment, and how fast his mother died of the same thing whereas Judy has been able to keep the cancer sort of at bay for I think three years now. And we talked also about inner strength and determination, and how much that affects diseases like this, and how much inner strength Judy has - and I look up to her so much for that and for so much more, for how she's dealt with so many other things in her life. But we know it's getting worse and the doctors are running out of treatment options, and it saddens him so much. He's also been waiting for the past two weeks to hear of the passing of an aunt on his father's side of the family, and he knows that an uncle on his mother's side of the family doesn't have too much longer either. I hate seeing my dad being sad. He gets that look on his face and in his eyes, and I just want to do anything possible to somehow make things better for him. I can't take that look - it just hurts my heart to see him sad.

Anyway though, despite all our serious conversation, it was wonderful. I felt good that he could talk to me and get these worries at least verbalized, and I hope it lifted a tiny bit of weight off his chest. And also, I love knowing his mind and what he's thinking. It doesn't happen too often that he opens up about his worries and feelings, so I cherish it when it does. After we finished, we bundled up again and headed out in the cold. He didn't like the wind that added that extra bit of nippy to the night! :)

When we got back I switched on the Olympics and my dad got comfortable in my chair. And soon little Emma ventured out from under the bed! I was proud of her! My dad fell asleep a little after that and slept for about an hour, through the most exciting Olympic events of the night! And then we got ready for bed. I of course slept on the couch, which is actually really comfortable, and I only woke up once and that was from James pawing my nose and wanting cuddling.

This morning my dad and I walked to Nookie's for breakfast, and we spent the whole long meal talking photography and our digital SLRs and his wide-angle lens that he just bought, and so on and so on. I'm so happy that he's getting back into photography (I only recently found out that he used to be really into it, for fun, from before I was born until I was a few years old). Now we have something to talk about, a common interest to share. And that means so much to me because the past few holidays when both my brother and I have both been home, I've felt that he talked so much more easily with my brother because they could discuss houses and grown-up jobs and sports and all that, and I don't watch much football anymore so can't get in on any of those discussions, which sucks. And of course, I slither away when they talk about houses and grown-up jobs!

Oh - and he said the sweetest thing! He said when I was a little girl, he'd always wanted to find a field of dandalions and take pictures of me sitting in the middle of them. This is so unlike my dad! So so so unlike him, and I'm never ever going to forget it - it's a little reminder that he loved little me! He said he's always regretted not taking a picture like that, and I also love that he's thought of it sometimes since then. So I told him that when we're in California next month for my cousin's wedding in the mountains, we'd try to find a field of some flowers (although it might be a little too early for flowers) and we'd take pictures of me now!

When we came back to my place, I quickly showed him a few of my favorite photoblogs, and also quickly demostrated some of the very elementary things that can be done with Photoshop. And then he was leaving. On the elevator ride down, he finally asked me whether I was dating any guys and I told him no. He said, "You should be, because you're a really great girl." And he said it with his loving fatherly look in his eyes. He never says things like this, and sometimes I wonder if he's disappointed in me, so hearing him say this meant the world to me. Of course, then I told him that I might be taking belly dancing with Violet and he said something along the lines of "well you better get in shape," which kind of ruined his former great statement.

Two minutes after I got back up to my apartment, SP called and came over awhile later for some afternoon fun. It was wonderful but I also had mixed emotions afterward.

Then I spent a few hours cutting square edges into the window holes of my dollhouse and lightly sanding the surface areas. I put the main pieces together for a dry run and discovered that I definitely need a second person for that part. I was doing what I thought would be the very easy gluing together of the four pieces that would form the outside foundation when The German arrived at about 8:30 to make us dinner, and I was almost crying in frustration at that point. However, I blame my lack of patience on female issues and not on a general character flaw or inability to do this project.

The German and I then set to making dinner and eating dinner, and then sat together on the couch for a bit and chatted and he showed me new features on Google Map, and then he left. It was too late for us to start trying to put together the big pieces of the dollhouse, so he's going to come back some night this week to help me out. He'll be good because he'll let me do it but also take charge a bit, and if I get frustrated I can cry a little and he won't mind, and if I get snippy he'll pull me out of it.

And now we're to the present! I didn't address my work issues and I'm way too tired to get much into it all, but I'm 99% better than I was last Thursday night. It's all still a little up in the air and I'll find out more tomorrow, but suffice it say that if we move now, it will be because I convince my boss we really need to (as he decided he didn't want to), so I feel some sense of control although I would still be sad. But I need to talk more with The Meat about it tomorrow.

And I'm going to quickly address just a couple of things: 1) I work for the government so we're not corporate, or a real business, or about making money. The big issues are turf wars. 2) I've talked before about my relationship with people at work and with my boss as well, and we are much more like friends than like boss-employee, and he values my opinion and cares about me as a person and as a friend, as I do about him (despite my bit of meanness in my last post). So we are very different from the classic boss-employee relationship. 3) In response to a certain commenter - a) I never claimed to be a grown-up-acting woman all the time, which is why I define myself as a "girl/woman" in my profile; b) I have never claimed to be professional and in my current job and with my current co-workers, I am often far from what would be defined as "professional", but so are they. And we like it that way. And c) now you do know of one - me! :) And despite my occasional tendency to overreact to the idea of change at first (usually for about the first 24 hours after hearing of the possibility), I still think I'm pretty damn kick-ass anyway!!!

Whew! This is way longer now than I intended it to be when I first sat down to write a very very short update!!!

Powerless, scared and sad

I'm so sad right now and feel so fragile and torn up and hopeless and powerless and joyless - and it doesn't have anything to do with a guy but with something much more important to me: my "family" at my work.

The situation is that we just got someone new in our group and that person needs a room. The people outside of our group are resisting moving, so we're one room short on our floor. The Meat told me tonight that either my boss or a different guy are going to have to move down three floors, but as a consession will lose a bit of their work as a result. Because we're all such good friends in our group, I figured my boss would never want to leave, and he has seniority.

After I got home tonight I got a call from my boss. He'd gotten the info out of Wake Forest (The Meat was planning on talking to both of them tomorrow morning about it) and was completely enthused by the idea of losing that part of the work, which he hates. What the fuck!!!!? I was blown away by his laziness and stupidity in not caring about leaving everyone! So I pointed that out - the leaving everyone, the fact that his secretary would still be upstairs, the leaving everyone, being all alone down there, and again - leaving everyone. He smartly picked up on my feelings regarding the move and said he'd think about all that, and made some very simple observations that he should have thought about right away. (Sorry, I'm a bit pissed here, and there will be more bitching shortly). Anyway, we left it that we'd all talk about it tomorrow morning and he'd think about it tonight.

After I hung up I burst into tears. How could he think of leaving!? And all these people are my family up there! They are the reason that I've stayed at this job for so long and why I'm being so picky about where I get my next job! Because I love and adore them all!

I was weeping and needed to express my shock at my boss even thinking of moving. So I called The Meat's voicemail and left a crying message. And then I called back and left another message about how much I hate my boss right now. The Meat will be mocking my crying tomorrow, I know. I also just got off the phone with Florida, and it felt good to be able to vent my frustration and powerlessness and anger to her, and know that she completely understands.

If my boss makes the decision that we'll be the ones to move, I'll be crying some every day. And I'll walk into his office every single time because crying women make him so uncomfortable. And I'll also start looking harder for a new job, and be much more willing to accept an unperfect one. And I'll be so depressed about going to work, and sad when I'm there, and missing everyone upstairs, even though they'll just be three floors up. My heart will be breaking daily. I know I sound really melodramatic but I'm also completely serious. I feel broken even right now.

And if we do move, a part of me will always hate my boss, forever after this. For his laziness and his total selfish stupidity. I'm not good with change to begin with, but him taking me away from all the people I love will be almost too much for me to handle.

I can hardly think of anything else, but I have one observation to make that doesn't have anything to do with my boss or work situation. I'm watching the women's ice skating right now and the announcers are so incredibly annoying sometimes, especially the female announcer. I think everything that comes out of her mouth is pure stupidity.

I'm so sad, and I hate having to wait until tomorrow to find out my "fate". And tomorrow morning I think I'm going to be a wreck of nerves. Florida made a great suggestion that I'm completely going to follow - I'm going to tell my boss tomorrow that if he makes us move, he's going to have to deal with me crying every day, and I'll also talk to him about my period and other women's issues every day as well, just to make him completely uncomfortable. As payback for breaking my heart and tearing me away from my wonderful work family who I love.

But to be honest, I don't think I'll have to tell him about the crying - I think I may actually start crying. I may start crying when we all even start to talk about it. Because I start crying right now whenever I imagine starting to talk about it. Why does this all have to change? Right now I'm half hating even the three other relatively new people who came up a year ago. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I woke up this morning so happy and glowing with joy, and tonight I'm going to sleep feeling broken and like my world is about to flip upside-down.

I love the smell of Spring!

It smelled so much like spring today!! It made me so happy and so joyful and so hopeful and excited! I love that!!!

I'm exhausted, so this isn't going to be long. I stayed up really, really late last night, both cleaning and editing the opinion. My place is really clean, so that's good! Although it needs a vacuum, which I couldn't do in the middle of the night, and I'm too tired to do it now.

At 5 a.m. I was done with everything that I was going to get done, so I decided to sleep for a couple hours. I remember talking to my mom this morning but I don't remember anything from the conversation and I fell back asleep immediately afterward. And woke up at 10:47 a.m. and immediately wanted to give myself a bitchslap for falling back asleep. So I didn't make it to work until 12:30.

But then I had a really good day, and was getting stuff done, and being productive, and got my boss to start helping me with the opinion because I'm stuck on it. And The Meat was strumming my guitar this evening and I love listening to him play. He also brought me his electric sander to use when I get my dollhouse, which is fabulous because I was so worried about the sanding taking forever and ever.

And tonight I got a phone call that made me happy :)

I'm so sleepy, so I'm going to do something very usual for me and go to bed early!!! Because I can't.stop.yawning..... :)

Sex overdrive and my hot sheriff

I read a short article in the newspaper about a week ago about the rise and fall of testosterone in women during our menstrual cycles, and how it raises and lowers our levels of horniness and also ease of and intensity of orgasms.

According to the article, Day 1 (which is the first day after the period starts) to Day 14 are hot and horny times, with testosterone rising throughout the two weeks to be highest at Day 13 and Day 14. From Day 15 to Day 23, progesterone rises and testosterone falls - meaning less sex drive and more work to orgasm. From Day 24 to the end of the cycle, even though testosterone is falling, horniness is steadily on the increase, possibly because of the "thickening of the uterine lining, which stimulates nerve endings for arousal." Luckily I generally have an extra-long cycle, so an extra-long period of more intense horniness!!! :) The slightly funny tidbit is that during this last part of the cycle, all the hormones also make women more sensitive (hard to believe, right!), so sex earlier in the day, when we're horny but not yet so bothered, is recommended.

I think today I just passed into Day 24. And I swear that my lower belly feels more thick inside, and every single nerve ending has been stimulated all day long. And my mind has been on overdrive with the fantasies. And I can't stop thinking about sex and fucking and sucking and grabbing and passion and heavy breathing and orgasms and on and on and on. And I don't mind one little bit! It's quite wonderful to have many mental breaks during the day for intensely hot thoughts!

On a slightly removed topic, I saw someone today who I haven't seen in a few months - my hot young sheriff! He used to work in my building but moved about a year ago to a different area of the city. He's only I think 24, and acts like it, but he's so sweet and also intensely hot, even though he has such low self-confidence which is ridiculous. He took the day off and was visiting people in the building for a bit. I was working, saw something out of the corner of my eye, and there he was in the door. He kept hugging me, and I've always thought he was an amazing hugger! He's very young and in no way a future prospect, but it was really nice seeing him!

Back when he used to work in my building, he was also my sex guy! We were quite scandalous! We'd often escape to the staircase at random times during the day for a quick fuck, and after work we'd often do the nasty in my boss's office, and once on a table in a side room - like I said, scandalous! And very fun! I loved walking out of the staircase and going back to work, slightly flushed and with my dirty little secret to keep me company :)

It still worked out well that he left my building, though. Because things couldn't go on forever like that, and he's pretty sensitive. He wants to see me again sometime very soon, and I guess I would be up for that, but not for any sex. I wouldn't mind him just hugging me for a couple hours, though!

Today was a wonderful day at work - lots of fun, lots of good talks, lots of me being in a great mood! I love those days! And right now I'm taking a short break from doing some work on another opinion, but I'll get back to work on it in a bit.

Oh - my dad is going to visit me on Saturday night!!! I'm so excited! He's leaving Saturday morning to drive to Milwaukee for a woodworking show, and then he'll start back and spend Saturday night with me! I hardly ever hang out with my dad, just the two of us, so I'm really excited. My new dollhouse kit should be in on Friday so I'll have the pieces all laid out for him to see when he gets here - I hope he'll get excited by my new project! Of course, he'll be really tired, too, from all the driving all day. But yay!! I'm so excited!! (And I wish he could still spin me around like in the picture - how fun would that be!)

Pictures from the weekend, and My New Project!

I have the day off for Presidents Day, which is really nice. My immediate plan after typing this is to give my apartment a thorough straightening and cleaning. And then I have an idea for a painting - and one, despite my lack of real painting talent, I can do! Okay, I'll tell my idea: I noticed last night that on the Olympic medal stand, the phrase "Passion Lives Here" is written - and it just spoke to me. What a fabulous saying and as I love and adore good quotes as reminders, I really adore this one. So my painting is going to incorporate those words.

On Saturday The German came over and we headed out, braving the ridiculous cold. We first stopped at a little shop that I'll talk about in a minute, and then we took the train to Lincoln Square to a little grocery store - The German wanted to show me that there's a good store up there for if I move there, and he likes it because it's cheap. Now I know it's just a grocery store, but I loved it - it had a charm to it and was very ethnic, both Hispanic and also Greek. There was a huge fruit and vegetable section and an enormous meat counter, and had a lot of products with labels in Spanish or in Greek, and we also saw bulk bags of dried rice and huge tin cans of olive and corn oil. It was a little different, which I always like! And they had cool mostly Latin American music playing there.

I took the following picture with Asparagus in mind, because Florida told me that he likes to eat these, which I think are called pork rinds and I tried one once before spitting it out (it was disgusting) and then I found out that it's pure fat:

And a close-up for Asparagus of the yumminess:

Mmmmm :) And one final picture from my sojourn to the store - this pig cartoon looks ridiculously excited about it's feet soon being pickled and eaten, and is even showing said feet as it looks over the label:

After the grocery store we walked a little ways to a dollar store to get superglue to fix a brand new earring of mine. I've mentioned before that The German is thrifty, right?! Anyway, once in the store I insisted on walking down all the isles and I think my mouth was hanging to the floor in shock, because everything there was exactly $1, and it looked like I was in Walgreens, just without any name brands. Everything from frozen pizzas, vegetables and dinners to makeup, hairspray, huge containers of hand soap, and every kind of food that you'd see sold in a Walgreens. They even had tons of household items, and everything was only $1! It was amazing. I'm still in amazement by it all.

Okay, so remember I'd said that I need something else to do, to take my mind off of certain things. For the past couple weeks I've been researching a certain project and on Saturday I ordered one from a little store by me, but yesterday I went back and upgraded my order to a bigger one. It should be in this coming Friday. First, I have to say that a certain part of me feels like such a dork doing this, but I don't really care because I'm so excited about it and not only will it be a long-lasting project that gives me something to do, I'll also learn a lot from it! So without further ado, this is what I bought/ordered:

Yes, a dollhouse kit! But it doesn't come looking like the picture. It comes only with the boards and various pieces. From talking to a lady at the store, I first have to sand each separate piece, then prime them and sand them again, then prime and sand again, and then I can put the house together with glue and nails. And then I can paint the outside. I need to separately sand, prime, sand, prime and paint the doors and windows before putting them in. And then I can wire the house for electricity before putting in the floors and painting the walls and buying all the furniture.

So even though the house doesn't look like it, I'm going to make mine into an Italian villa!!! I'll be shingling the roof myself, too, so I'll buy terra cotta-looking-like shingles and glue each one in place. And for the floor on the first floor, I'm going to have it be brick. But not just a wallpaper-type thing of brick - no, I'll be getting the little mini-bricks and using mortar to make the floor myself! And I'll lay down wood floors for the top two floors - and that's done by glueing individual little boards to the floor. Oh - and for the ceilings I'll glue up darker wood boards at intervals (I don't know what they are called - eaves?). I got a catalog from one internet store for dollhouses and I know sort of what kind of furniture I'll get eventually - all keeping with the Italian villa look! And there is seriously so much stuff available, it's amazing! I'm so excited!! I couldn't nearly afford buying my own place and remodeling and rehabbing it myself and buying all new furniture, so instead I'll just do it on the small scale, and at the same time learn a little about steps to doing stuff!

I'm so excited! And I'll be taking pictures to document my progress! And luckily there's the store that's really nearby, because I can go ask them anything. In the basement of the store, there's also a workroom filled with partially done houses - for people who don't want to build them at their homes, they can use the workshop to build them and store them. So I can also get ideas by looking at other people's houses. Oh - and I'll have to get a big box to cover my stuff so James and Emma don't get into it all!

So that was my weekend. Oh except last night French Mix and I texted back and forth for awhile. I'm not a huge fan of this texting thing, but oh well. He asked if he could come over later in the night and I said no :) I told him making plans with me at 11:45 p.m. was too late, and I was laying in bed ready to go to sleep. He pouted but I don't care. I was tired. And I deserve more than a type of booty call. If anyone gets to make booty calls, it will only be me!

I'm listening to the soundtrack from Phantom of the Opera (the original, not movie). It's so gorgeous and so powerful.

Oh, I found out a hilarious tidbit of info from The German this weekend! I've mentioned before that he constantly downloads porn movies - he collects them - and he's why I have such a huge collection myself as he passes them down to me. I knew he had a lot, but I had no idea how many. He told me he keeps a database so he doesn't download movies he already has. And he currently has 1,600!! He could open his own rental store!! I told him to just give me copies of the full Rocco library he has :)

Sunny Day

It's so incredibly beautiful outside right now! The sun is shining, the sky is a clear and gorgeous blue - of course, it's cold as fuck out right now, but when I look out and imagine May weather, I can almost smell it in my mind! And even though it's cold, the sun makes me so incredibly happy, it lights a little fire of joy inside me!

I'm listening to a Brad Paisley album right now. I love so many different kinds of music, but I'll say that Brad Paisley is probably my favorite country singer at the moment. I even got up and danced around my apartment to one of his songs! Dancing by yourself is one of the recommendations in a book on how to live in and enjoy the moment! And I was happy and was dancing in front of a mirror and sometimes laughing at my silliness. Yes, I can be a dork sometimes :) (Picture by Mark Mumford).

I have a three-day weekend and have zero plans for it. I got up today a little before 9 and am all dressed and prettied-up so I have the whole day in front of me. The German called while I was in the shower but I haven't called him back yet. So I might see him for a bit. If he comes over though, I'm going to make us go outside and walk for a bit, even though it's ridiculously freezing. I want to be out in the sun and breath in the crisp air. I've also been meaning to back up all my downloaded music and pictures, so I think I'll start doing that when I finish this. That way I'll start my day out by being productive! And I have a kind of hunger to be productive today!

Last night I left work and took a cab to a post office that was still open to mail out my application for a certain job, which application had to be postmarked by yesterday. Then I walked to Marshall Fields to finally return the two coats my mom got me for Christmas, which is good because now she can finally stop nagging me! I spent some time there looking around at clothes, and I first tried on a few pairs of the expensive and trendy jeans - I'm so unhappy with all my jeans and I love jeans, so I need a new pair! None of them worked well. I loved the look of the "rock star" pair, the color and lines and everything looked fabulous. But they were so fucking low-cut, I hate that! I don't want to be showing my ass every time I sit or bend over (and I don't want someone else blogging about my ass and thong hanging out)! Another pair that wasn't low-cut looked good, but not good enough to justify the money. I eventually moved over to the cheaper jeans section and found a pair that looked pretty damn good, so that was my one purchase! I also tried on a dress and it actually looked good! I didn't get it cause I didn't like it enough, but it was a good night because the clothes I tried on actually looked good!! Unlike those certain days when everything you try on further reduces your confidence so you eventually go home wanting to cry and never eat again! And I have a reason to look for and buy a pretty outfit - my cousin is getting married on March 25 in the mountains somewhere between San Francisco and Sacramento, so I get to buy a new outfit for it - yay!

Okay, enough blabbering. I'll call The German and then start backing up my stuff while I wait for him to come over.

Heavy Heart

My heart recently has been getting a little heavier, and it's all my own fault.

You know how sometimes you do something, or you start something, and you just know it's going to end up hurting you. But you do it anyway. That's me.

I've been doing something, and on one hand I love it, but it's also been taking over my mind more and more, and that's starting to really scare me. And sometimes it's really hurting my heart, and that scares me even more. But it also gives me such joy and excitement, and gives me more of a reason to get up in the morning. However, it's something that cannot forever continue as it is now. And knowing that really hurts me.

I don't know exactly what to do. I don't want to stop yet. For many reasons, which I'm not going to talk about, and some of them are complicated. And those complicated reasons are most of why I don't want to stop yet. But I need some mental distance. It's amazing how quickly something can grow to be so overwhelming.

So mental distance. I need to occupy my thoughts with other things, and also do more things so my life will be more full, and I'll have other things to look forward to and be happy about. And hopefully it will stop me from constantly thinking of this, and from my day and my mood and my happiness depending upon it. Because it really sucks shit to have my mood and happiness depend on something outside myself.

And just so there's no confusion, because I know this is a bit cryptic, it's not alcohol - I still haven't had a drop of it since November 9. Oh, and to give credit where credit is due, the painting is by Paula Militaru, and I think it's absolutely stunning and so powerful.

And in other news, I'm planning on doing something tomorrow that I only do about once every six months: wear a skirt! I've decided that it's time to blow everyone's minds at work, just for the fun of it! Whenever I do this, The Queen doesn't know quite what to do - because it's just so unlike me - so he gets a bit weirded out. It's pretty funny! And also tomorrow, we're ordering a bunch of pizzas to celebrate The Meat's birthday, which is on Saturday - oh, and The Italian Chef is baking a cake for him and everything she cooks or bakes is just a kind of food gold! So tomorrow will hopefully be a fun and happy day :)

A little story

I saw a funny thing last night on the walk from the bus to my place.

A young Muslim couple was walking in front on me. The girl was wearing a white head scarf, a short jacket, and loose-fitting light-colored jeans or pants. He was walking with his arm around her shoulders. I think they were in their mid-20's or so, but it was hard for me to tell in the semi-dark.

When they reached a corner she stopped and leaned forward to retie her shoe. He stood next to her and looked around. As I approached, what jumped out at me was the top third of her ass mooning out at me - the loose-fitting pants showed quite a bit of cheek. But the most surprising thing, to me at least, was the sexy little red thong that disappeared between her ass cheeks! A head scarf and a thong - I never quite pictured them together on the same person before!!

That's all for now - I have to get ready for work!

Recognizing Joy

Earlier today I was looking for poems on happiness and joy for a friend of mine. This one seriously couldn't be any more perfect. And now I just took a tiny dive in the mood arena, so I need it for myself as well:

"Joy" by Rabindranath Tagore, Indian Poet

And Joy is Everywhere;
It is in the Earth's green covering of grass;
In the blue serenity of the Sky;
In the reckless exuberance of Spring;
In the severe abstinence of gray Winter;
In the Living flesh that animates our bodily frame;
In the perfect poise of the Human figure, noble and upright;
In Living;
In the exercise of all our powers;
In the acquisition of Knowledge;
in fighting evils...
Joy is there Everywhere

"Reckless Exuberance" - what a fabulous phrase!!

It's in the mid-50's right now and the sun is shining outside. This morning it smelled like spring - that most wonderful scent of promise and excitement in the air. I'm going to leave work early and walk slowly when I'm outside, and breath deeply. And open my balcony door so my babies can enjoy the nice weather, too!

First Olympic Crush

OMG, how hot is this guy!!!! His name is Michael Walchhofer, and I'd be flying to Austria and stalking the ski slopes if he wasn't married with three children.

A pretty good day, and an email from Azerbaijan :)

Today I woke up semi-early because I was volunteering from noon until 3 p.m. Nothing big - B from the resale shop sent out word that he'd be there to accept drop-offs of donations, and asked if our chapter could help out. The flow of people was nonexistent until almost 1:30, and even then we had only about seven total cars come by with donations. But it ended up being a fun time for me, especially because I was expecting it to be awful.

Due to no one coming, the rest of the women who showed up from my chapter left before 1 p.m., so it was just me and B. I've always heard from everyone how fun and great B is, but I'd never personally met him. He's 42, gay, and describes himself as a fat guy with a hairy back who rarely shaves. In his defense, he isn't fat - he's just big-boned and has a bit of a pooch, but you would never think 'fat' when looking at him. And he has a nice beard. And as for the back hair, that's something I'll never be knowing about.

Anyway, though, he was wonderful!! Really cool, funny, a great guy, and interesting as well - in that he's had life experiences that are so different from mine. Even now, there are about ten topics I can think of that I want to talk more about with him. When I was leaving, he asked if I would join him and another girlfriend of his who stopped by for martinis sometime. And I said yes, even though I won't be drinking the martinis. I'm feeling so happy that I had a good time, and met a great person, and didn't feel judged or like a loser as I often do when I'm around the these women. And I was able to be myself and knew that he enjoyed talking to me for who I am, instead of having a pretentious-type attitude like so many others do.

Also, a guy who has a little shop across the street from the clinic came in to say hi to B, and he was a really interesting character! He's Hispanic and used to be a semi-professional wrestler, I guess in the Hispanic community. Now he just wrestles every once in awhile, and instead took up sewing masks for the wrestlers. From what B told me after he left, Hispanic wrestlers wear ordinary shorts or outfits but also wear masks, maybe to protect their anonymities, or to have separate superhero-like personas, I'm not sure. But this guy taught himself everything, from making the molds to sewing. And according to B, the masks this guy makes are so professional and so cool, sometimes made of leather and sometimes of pleather. I'm going to have to check them out and take some pictures!

After I got home, The German came over and made frittatas for us and showed me how to fix some of the hot pixels that are turning up on my camera. I also asked him about Germany's love affair with David Hasselhoff, which he 1) didn't really know about and 2) didn't really understand. I showed him the hilarious music video, and he hypothesized that Germans must like him because he's so obviously making fun of himself and isn't afraid to keep doing it. I can see his point. Cause I think the guy is hilarious now since seeing the video.

I'm watching downhill skiing right now as typing. Holy fuck do those guys go FAST!!! It makes me nervous just watching them! But that's what I love about the Olympics! And every one of the guys look so hot, too!

I have tomorrow off work - yay!!! I'll be doing a shit-load of laundry, vacuuming my apartment, finishing an opinion, playing guitar, and most probably welcoming SP over tomorrow night for a bit of nasty fun! Yesterday was my lazy day, today was my did-a-little day, so tomorrow will be my super-productive day!!! And THAT'S why we should ALWAYS have three-day weekends!!!!

I just heard a little interview with the French winner of the downhill. Oh how I adore accents!!!!!!!!!!

OMG - speaking of accents, how could I forget!!! I got a surprise email yesterday from my guy from Azerbaijan, Rufat. I haven't heard from him in over a year, so was pretty shocked to get this email out of the blue.

I met him on Halloween night 2004, when I was already pretty drunk and at a big bash with The Bold One. Rufat was with two friends, D - an American, and M - a friend from Azerbaijan who lives in Chicago. None of them were dressed up. I don't even remember how I started talking to them, but I remember taking pictures with them all, and talking to Rufat more, and then somehow Rufat and I were against the wall making out. A little while later I came up for air and looked to the left to see The Bold One and D making out next to us. I looked to the right and M was leaning against the wall smoking. It was pretty funny! And I laughed to myself before searching out Rufat's amazing mouth again with mine.

We stayed against that wall for an hour, I swear it was that long, just kissing and running our hands over each other's clothes. It was so hot, and he was the most amazing kisser. Seriously, the most amazing kisser. Finally, the three guys gave The Bold One and I a ride back to her place, and I dragged myself home later to sleep. Rufat called the next day and I made plans to go to dinner with he and M a couple days later, which would also be the night before Rufat left to visit a friend in California before flying back home to Baku.

So anyway, that night came, Rufat called me to let me know they were downstairs, and when I walked outside he and M were standing outside the car, both in casual suits, and they looked so cute and so hot at the same time. We went to a Turkish restaurant in Andersonville; M was a regular there and knew the owner well. Rufat and M sat across from me, and the three of us talked nonstop through dinner, with them answering all my questions about Azerbaijan, Baku, the culture, the history, the conflict with Armenia, their views on Islam vs. Christianity, and more. It was wonderful and fascinating.

Awhile after we finished dinner, D and The Bold One joined us and Rufat moved next to me. I was soon pretty toasted, and The Bold One tells me the cutest little story which I only half remember. She tells it way better than I will, but here's my attempt: I was trying to explain my point of view on something but due to all the alcohol in my blood, I wasn't making the most sense. M and D kept trying to interrupt and I was getting really frustrated, and it was then that Rufat, with one arm around the back of my chair and the other holding his cigarette, leaned forward and shut them all up, saying "she is making a point!" or something along those lines. It doesn't sound like anything when I write it now, I know that, but the way The Bold One tells it, it's absolutely adorable and I never tire of hearing it!

So anyway, that was the last time I saw him. We emailed a couple times back and forth after he got back to Baku, but since we hardly knew each other and lived halfway around the world, there wasn't too much to say to each other over email.

This new email is really cute. Mostly because of the misspellings and bad grammar - he speaks English less than proficiently but well enough to be able to hold a discussion. And overall, his email has put a smile on my face! A little hello from the other side of the world! One other little tidbit - I still have his original voicemail message from a year and a half ago. Every month or so it comes up and I listen to his wonderful accented talking, and I press 9 to save it again!

Grey's Anatomy just finished and ended with a question, worded something like this: "If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, how would you want to spend your day today?" I'm not sure exactly, but I'm pretty sure I'd spend the whole day weeping, which I feel like doing now just at the thought.

Funny stuff, Olympics, and Bonobos

We watched the funniest little thing today at work - a parody trailer for Brokeback to the Future (a mix of Brokeback Mountain and Back to the Future) - we were all in stitches!!! This came after I showed everyone James Lipton on Conan O'Brien reading the lyrics to Kevin Federline's new "song", and David Hasselhoff's unbelieveably terrible, mouth-open-in-disbelief-cheesy, yet completely hysterical music video to Hooked on a Feeling. I wouldn't even know where to begin commenting on specific aspects of this video, but it's pretty damn funny (the picture, from the video, is Hasselhoff inexplicably flying)! So anyway though, we were having a good bit of fun at work today!

The Olympics are about to start!!! Yay!!!! Tomorrow night I'm heading straight home after work to watch the opening ceremonies. I completely adore watching the athletes from all the separate countries walk in. And I especially love the athletes from very unrepresented countries, where only a couple or few represent the whole country. I always want the crowd to go wild for them, just for being so brave and living their dreams.

This afternoon The Queen handed me a section of the Tribune and pointed to a story on Bonobos, which I now know are very similar to Chimps and like Chimps, are closest to humans in terms of our genes. The article was interesting because the expert talked about how we usually describe our good traits or behaviors, such as compassion, kindness and forgiveness, as part of our "humanity", whereas bad behavior, such as violence, is often described as part of our "animalistic tendencies". The Bonobo expert pointed out that unlike Chimp societies, Bonobo societies are very peaceful, and the Bonobos exhibit behavior that we often would describe as "human". The article has been swimming around in my head, so that's why I'm writing about it. Here are another couple factoids about Bonobos: their societies are matriarch-run, they have sex about every ninety minutes, and they're generally bisexual. As the article put it, the females keep the males so satisfied that they have nothing to fight about!

I don't have much of anything else on my mind right now. I'm just happy that it's almost the weekend, and a long weekend, too! We get this coming Monday off and also the next Monday - for Lincoln's birthday and Presidents' Day - I love working for the government! Among other things that I need to do this weekend: get lots of sleep, do a shit-load of laundry, and clean. And hopefully have a rendevous with SP! My list of things to do is much longer, but these are the most important ones!

Things on my mind

I've been MIA! First, I haven't been able to get on the internet at work - my computer tells me a cable is unplugged but I can't seem to find any unplugged cable. I haven't gotten around to calling the computer help desk yet, but hopefully tomorrow I will and they'll be able to get me back online very soon! Second, I've been really, really tired, and so very lazy at night. And third, I'm really into the book I'm reading so last night I didn't even turn on my computer.

Okay so first, my little photo session on Saturday night went so well!!! I put a white sheet on the floor and used the brick wall as background, and I ended up with so many incredibly sexy pictures!!! And I look so hot in them all!!! (Of course, that's due to good lighting and artful covering, and being able to choose the best from about 200 total pictures!) On Sunday I actually spent way too much time going through all of them and picking out my favorites, then my favorites from that bunch, and then playing with altering of color and brightness and all that. I sent 22 of them to The German and he was impressed equally by me and by my photographic abilities! And I've also learned some things I want to change with lighting, and I want to try some different camera angles. So I'll be having another session sometime very soon! And yes, I know I don't usually post any pictures of myself, but I so want to show everyone how cool my pictures came out, and how cool the fence net nylons look, so I'm just adding half of a picture on here :)

I'm in a pretty okay mood now, but last night and all of today before about 6 p.m. I was in a terribly sad and lonely mood. I started crying numerous times but never enough that anyone would see me. All I wanted to do was to curl up a ball in a corner and make everything around me disappear. It was awful. I felt like I was never going to be happy again.

A little before 6:00 tonight The Meat asked me why I wasn't myself today, and I said I'd just been so melancholy and sad and hopeless, so he and The Queen worked to cheer me up. They were talking about funny movies and it made me think of one of my all-time favorite silly movies - Top Secret! I told them how in high school, during the summer after our freshman year, a few of my girlfriends and I tried to make our own version of Top Secret - and I still have the video with our silliness! The Meat wants me to bring it to work tomorrow so we can watch it. I don't know, I'm the most terrible actress in it, but I could fast forward through the terrible parts. I'll review it tonight to see if there's any possible way that I'd let a group of people at my work see it.

After that, The Meat and I spent some time looking over the lyrics to some John Prine songs, and some of our favorite parts in particular. He talked about his favorite ones to play on the guitar, and which ones he wants to teach me. Tonight, after 1) I finish watching Lost and 2) have a little play time, I'm going to play around with my guitar for a bit! And start getting my calluses back!

Oh, yesterday I had the most wonderful few hours! My friend since high school, AmyD, was in town for a couple days with her husband and little 19-month-old daughter, IB. Her husband was working, so I met AmyD at her hotel and we walked a ways to have lunch, and then after lunch we walked around looking for a place to change little IB's poopy diaper! I soon realized that it can be hard for a mother to find a bathroom in the city with a changing table. AmyD eventually had to change little IB's diaper while IB laid in her stroller.

Little IB was so cute and such a little joy! I know I'll be so happy when I'm eventually a mom! I'll be tired, too, of course, cause I saw that it can be a lot of work :) And in a month, AmyD will have another little baby! She has a wonderful big belly!!! I still can't get over the miracle that there is a little baby living in her tummy right now! We talked all about labor, changes to your body during pregnancy, the complete embarrassment of even the idea of some poop squeezing out while you're pushing, and the need to have yourself cleaned up and primped a little down there before going into labor. I love these talks! And a month before I go into labor, I'll be getting myself a good wax so the doctor and nurses don't think I look messy! I think the worst thing though is the hemorroids - outside the butt!! Holy crap! The Meat and The Queen confirmed that this happens. When I'm pregnant I'm going to be looking down there with a mirror all the time and hoping I don't see anything coming out!!

I think one reason I got so sad last night was because I had such a good time with AmyD during the day and I wish I could see her more often, and also because I started worrying that I may never get married and be able to have a family. Of course, I could have a baby by myself, and I will if a few more years go by, but I'd much rather have a baby with a man I love and adore.

But with regard to men, I'm starting to realize that I have some issues, maybe more than just a few. The most obvious issue is trust, and with good reason. I've heard of so many men who have cheated, and honestly, a few years ago two married men cheated with me (at different times). So as a result, I have issues. Second, I worry so much about the passion and excitement leaving, and becoming like my parents. The thought just terrifies me and makes me cringe completely. I could go on but all this is for another day. And I also have to add, because if I don't I'll feel bad, that I know so many truly good guys who are wonderful husbands and would never cheat. And I also know that it's not only men who cheat. It's just confusing sometimes, but I'm trying to figure out exactly why I haven't had a boyfriend in over two years, and why I seem to have little interest in finding one right now.

It's about 9:30 now and Lost is over and I'm so tired. I'm going to play for a little while, and then get my guitar out, even if it's only for five minutes. And I think I'll go to bed early.

Sleep, sexy photography, and ALS

I knew I needed some extra sleep! I woke up a little before 4 p.m. (16 hours of sleep), and woke up to find that my period just started - yay! Of course, I've just popped 3 tylenols which will hopefully very soon start addressing the cramps which are starting to set in.

Yesterday I played hookey from work. It was wonderful! I read a lot and relaxed a lot and didn't feel bad about doing mostly nothing.

I ventured out only once, in the evening. My first stop was to get a Mystic Tan, and my second stop was the sex shop to get a couple pair of sexy pantyhose (fence net and back-seam fishnet), and I also bought a little G-spot vibrator to try. The reason for the sexy pantyhose, and for the Mystic Tan as well, is because tonight I'm going to have another little photo shoot! Of me, of course! I'm going to move my couch and use the brick wall behind it as backdrop.

My inspiration for this came two nights ago, after I'd just finished typing my post on pms. I was googling to find a sad picture to add to the post, and stumbled across the photo gallery of Elena Vasilieva (it doesn't show up much, but you can link to her photos by clicking on her name). She takes the most beautiful nude photos ever! She's just a photography genius. It would be impossible for me to recreate what she's done, but I'm going to try my best to mimic some of the poses and lighting. Of course, this won't happen until I shower and get myself all gussied up! And then I'll have more sexy photos of myself - to remind myself, in light of my recent pms issues, that I am indeed a hot piece of ass, and also, so when I'm 50, 60, 70 and beyond, I can look back and see how hot I once was!! Thank God for digital cameras, tripods and remotes!

And now to a completely different subject. On Thursday night I watched ER. I never watch that show, but I'd seen James Woods on the Today Show, and also seen the previews for this episode, and was intrigued to watch. He played a medical professor who had ALS aka Lou Gehrig's Disease. In the present day, he was in one of the final stages in which he could only move his eyes and communicate through a computer. They flashed back to various stages of his disease as well. Near the end of the show his character said, through his computer, that once he lost control of his eyes he would be trapped inside his body with no means of communicating, but having all his sense and mental faculties.

This is the most terrible nightmare I can imagine. Making this one of the worst diseases I can imagine. And if I had it, I would want someone who loved me to help put me out of my misery before I was trapped inside without any way to communicate. And I wouldn't want this person to be prosecuted afterward for assisting me in a suicide. All these things have been on my mind a lot since Thursday night.

Now I'm off to shower!

PMS

I have terrible pms, and all in the form of sadness. Today I've had my feelings hurt, I've started crying, I've been overly sensitive, and I've felt like a blob of sadness and nothingness. I know it's all due to hormones but I still feel like there's just grayness all over. As a result, I have nothing interesting to write about. So I'll just write about my sadness for a bit and hope that my MF-ing period comes in the middle of the night so I can go back to being me, and have this fog lift.

Today I was overly sensitive to teasing. I didn't show it outright, but I'm feeling completely not good enough as a result. Last night I stayed after work to help my boss with a class that he teaches. The Meat teaches the same class right next door, and my coworker (Wake Forest) and I stood in the door to his class for the first five minutes while we were waiting for The Queen to be ready for us. One reason I did this was to check out a girl who The Meat had said in so many words was the sexy one in his class. She was pretty and did have a certain something, and a large chest. But she talked a bit like a bimbo and was way too self-assured and overtly cutesy, and was way too tan (which I'm sure was fake), and was almost a bit flirtatious with him, or at least it seemed that way to me in my pms-addled mind. And it all pissed the fuck out of me. I of course mentioned all this to Wake Forest while we were standing there.

Now to this morning. Wake Forest had mentioned my opinion of the chickypoo to The Meat and he was getting quite a kick out of it. And making little comments every now and then throughout the day to which he'd get my evil eye, which he was enjoying. I know he was teasing. I know that. But by the end of the day, this chickypoo had become in my mind model-gorgeous and pure sex, and in contrast I was seeing myself as short, non-skinny, pale, and not matching up. And worst of all, I was feeling as if my boobs aren't big enough, due to a few comments about her bustiness. And I have big boobs already, so what the fuck!

Anyway, this is just an example of my oversensitivity. And even while I know that it's all in my head and hormones, it doesn't stop me from feeling it. And feeling constantly sad, and getting teary very often.

Another thing - my mom emailed tonight to tell me that just today my brother and TSIL put an offer on a house and by 4 p.m. tonight they were the future owners of this house. And according to her, they both love it and it's their favorite house they've seen, and includes a fenced-in backyard for the two puppies they plan to get. Instead of being happy for him, I'm feeling like the older sister failure - still renting, still trying to figure out all this shit, not sure where the hell I'm headed and scared to go there, and all alone. I'm jealous of him for having all these plans and moving ahead on the little normal path of life, even though I don't want to be where he is anyway. But it's just too much, and I don't want to even think about it.

I'm going to stop now with all the whining. It's making me even more sad as I write it all out, as opposed to having all the shit just swim around in my head.

Oh, and one final thing, and completely unrelated to my fucking pms - I discovered this morning when picking up my rabbit from the floor and turning it on that a couple days ago I didn't run the batteries out but instead the fucking motor burned out! This is the second rabbit motor that has burned out on me! And of course both times it's burned out a little after the six-month warranty period expired! Motherfucker!!!

Please, please, please let my fucking period come so all this shit will go away!