PMS

I have terrible pms, and all in the form of sadness. Today I've had my feelings hurt, I've started crying, I've been overly sensitive, and I've felt like a blob of sadness and nothingness. I know it's all due to hormones but I still feel like there's just grayness all over. As a result, I have nothing interesting to write about. So I'll just write about my sadness for a bit and hope that my MF-ing period comes in the middle of the night so I can go back to being me, and have this fog lift.

Today I was overly sensitive to teasing. I didn't show it outright, but I'm feeling completely not good enough as a result. Last night I stayed after work to help my boss with a class that he teaches. The Meat teaches the same class right next door, and my coworker (Wake Forest) and I stood in the door to his class for the first five minutes while we were waiting for The Queen to be ready for us. One reason I did this was to check out a girl who The Meat had said in so many words was the sexy one in his class. She was pretty and did have a certain something, and a large chest. But she talked a bit like a bimbo and was way too self-assured and overtly cutesy, and was way too tan (which I'm sure was fake), and was almost a bit flirtatious with him, or at least it seemed that way to me in my pms-addled mind. And it all pissed the fuck out of me. I of course mentioned all this to Wake Forest while we were standing there.

Now to this morning. Wake Forest had mentioned my opinion of the chickypoo to The Meat and he was getting quite a kick out of it. And making little comments every now and then throughout the day to which he'd get my evil eye, which he was enjoying. I know he was teasing. I know that. But by the end of the day, this chickypoo had become in my mind model-gorgeous and pure sex, and in contrast I was seeing myself as short, non-skinny, pale, and not matching up. And worst of all, I was feeling as if my boobs aren't big enough, due to a few comments about her bustiness. And I have big boobs already, so what the fuck!

Anyway, this is just an example of my oversensitivity. And even while I know that it's all in my head and hormones, it doesn't stop me from feeling it. And feeling constantly sad, and getting teary very often.

Another thing - my mom emailed tonight to tell me that just today my brother and TSIL put an offer on a house and by 4 p.m. tonight they were the future owners of this house. And according to her, they both love it and it's their favorite house they've seen, and includes a fenced-in backyard for the two puppies they plan to get. Instead of being happy for him, I'm feeling like the older sister failure - still renting, still trying to figure out all this shit, not sure where the hell I'm headed and scared to go there, and all alone. I'm jealous of him for having all these plans and moving ahead on the little normal path of life, even though I don't want to be where he is anyway. But it's just too much, and I don't want to even think about it.

I'm going to stop now with all the whining. It's making me even more sad as I write it all out, as opposed to having all the shit just swim around in my head.

Oh, and one final thing, and completely unrelated to my fucking pms - I discovered this morning when picking up my rabbit from the floor and turning it on that a couple days ago I didn't run the batteries out but instead the fucking motor burned out! This is the second rabbit motor that has burned out on me! And of course both times it's burned out a little after the six-month warranty period expired! Motherfucker!!!

Please, please, please let my fucking period come so all this shit will go away!