Heavy Heart

My heart recently has been getting a little heavier, and it's all my own fault.

You know how sometimes you do something, or you start something, and you just know it's going to end up hurting you. But you do it anyway. That's me.

I've been doing something, and on one hand I love it, but it's also been taking over my mind more and more, and that's starting to really scare me. And sometimes it's really hurting my heart, and that scares me even more. But it also gives me such joy and excitement, and gives me more of a reason to get up in the morning. However, it's something that cannot forever continue as it is now. And knowing that really hurts me.

I don't know exactly what to do. I don't want to stop yet. For many reasons, which I'm not going to talk about, and some of them are complicated. And those complicated reasons are most of why I don't want to stop yet. But I need some mental distance. It's amazing how quickly something can grow to be so overwhelming.

So mental distance. I need to occupy my thoughts with other things, and also do more things so my life will be more full, and I'll have other things to look forward to and be happy about. And hopefully it will stop me from constantly thinking of this, and from my day and my mood and my happiness depending upon it. Because it really sucks shit to have my mood and happiness depend on something outside myself.

And just so there's no confusion, because I know this is a bit cryptic, it's not alcohol - I still haven't had a drop of it since November 9. Oh, and to give credit where credit is due, the painting is by Paula Militaru, and I think it's absolutely stunning and so powerful.

And in other news, I'm planning on doing something tomorrow that I only do about once every six months: wear a skirt! I've decided that it's time to blow everyone's minds at work, just for the fun of it! Whenever I do this, The Queen doesn't know quite what to do - because it's just so unlike me - so he gets a bit weirded out. It's pretty funny! And also tomorrow, we're ordering a bunch of pizzas to celebrate The Meat's birthday, which is on Saturday - oh, and The Italian Chef is baking a cake for him and everything she cooks or bakes is just a kind of food gold! So tomorrow will hopefully be a fun and happy day :)