Recap on last weekend, and my ode to The Meat

I just finished practicing guitar for tonight's lesson. I've been quite bad and not practiced nearly as much as I should over the past couple weeks. And some of my calluses peeled off! So my fingers fucking hurt right now!!! BUT, I found a song that I love to play and sing - Catch the Wind by Donovan - so it's really fun for me to play that one. And the song is still in my head from just playing and singing it!

My mom got the results of her CAT scan and it looks as good as it can given the situation. If it's malignant, it hasn't yet spread or at least not spread much because the lymph nodes looked completely normal. My mom is trying to be really positive, as am I, and after she heard these results we're even more hopeful and keep reminding ourselves that 80% of these tumors turn out to be benign. She has her surgery this next Tuesday afternoon. I'm planning on going back on the train on Wednesday night and staying through until Sunday morning. Unless it's malignant, in which case they'll do Radical Neck Dissection (nice term, isn't it) and she'll be in the hospital for 3-5 days. In that case I may wait until she gets out to go, but I'll see.

Anyway though, my Thanksgiving trip home was very nice and I spent so much time with my mom. Which made both of us happy and relaxed her a bit! She also got me some Christmas presents (which of course I don't get until Christmas)! We got me two coats - a 3/4-length black coat to replace the one that's finally falling apart, and then a brown 3/4-length puffy coat with hood for those very cold days. I love the brown one! And my mom even said that when I have it on it makes me look like a model because the color is so good on me! My mom hardly EVER says things like that! Oh - and then I got the cutest and prettiest and sexiest and nicest pair of shoes in the perfect color of camel-brown! Yay!!!!

We also got my mom a pair of shoes and two sweaters. My mom hates shopping for herself and hardly ever gets anything new, so I was so happy to help her get some things just for her! I also helped her decorate the house for Christmas. And my favorite part is the little town she has - Department 56 Dicken's Village houses! I'll post a picture when I go home next. The houses and various buildings are so beautiful and perfectly done, and then there's all the extras - trees, people, cats and dogs - to place around everywhere. It comes alive and I love it!

James and Emma were so happy to see me when I got back, and of course I was so happy to see them, too! On Sunday James came over to sleep on me numerous times, or sleep next to me on a pillow with his head against me and his little arms over my arm. I was in kitten heaven! :) And little Emma is so shy so she hid from The German whenever he came over to feed them, so she really needed love and kept coming over and mewing for attention - back scratches and cheek rubs! I adore my little babies so much!!

Yesterday I was talking to The Meat and as he said, he was in the mood to talk. Now, I've talked before about how I find him sexy and all that, which is all completely true. But even more importantly, he is just one of the best people in the entire world, and has taught me so much and opened my eyes so much, and he's always there with pieces of advice about life that seem so small but really are some of the more important things there are. So yesterday, he talked to me about me, and I listened as I always do with him.

He told me that I'm so special and amazing in so many ways, and that I have so much going for me - and that I have no idea how much. He said that I'm a caregiver and that it's my destiny and job in life to help people, because that's the kind of person I am. He said that I'm going to be a great mother, and all my childrens' friends are going to say that they wish they had a mother like me - he said he can see it and knows it (and as he often says, "it's [his] job to know things.") He said that you never know when a single small that you do for someone can change the entire course of that person's life, and he gave me an example from his own life - of someone who changed the course of his life. He said someday, someone will come along, and I'll know right away that I'm meant to help that person, and I promised him that I would. He said I have so much compassion and caring in me, and it's my great capacity for compassion that sets me apart from so many other people - and it's my responsibility to continue with that path and live up to what I can do. And he said he believes in me, and knows I'm going to be great in my own way. And that it's because of what he sees in me, my compassion and gifts, that makes us such good friends - because as I told him, he's exactly the same way and in many ways described himself while he was talking about me. He said other things too, and I wrote them all down as soon as I got back to my desk, all that I could remember.

His faith in me has given me a sense of confidence and peace, which is a bit ironic because one thing he told me to do was to be confident and see myself for what I really am, and not let anyone else control me in any way. Because I so admire him, his faith in me and caring for me matters more than I can say. I feel as if I've been given a wonderful gift!

I find that so many things The Meat says I have already thought about a lot and completely agree with. One thing - we both know how important outlook and spirit is, and believe in waking up every day and knowing that something good is going to happen, and being excited to be alive! He reminds me of it often, and I like reminders like that. Every day he asks me how I'm doing that day, and if it's a good day, and if it's a great day, and if I feel alive. When we're outside, he tells me to inhale and asks what it smells like. And I answer, "It smells like life!" I think his reminders to me also remind him to look at each day as a gift, and to be happy every day for the little things. I've started asking him back how his day is, and if he's happy. It's a good exercise for us both.

He also fully supports me in my quest to improve myself through stopping drinking, and he gives me bits of wisdom regarding that. And personal bits that make it all the more meaningful. He knows I'm kind of searching, I can't explain exactly what for but just for who I will become I guess, searching for what the world is and my place in it, and what's important and how things work. I love that he understands that and I love that he helps me.

To conclude my long ode to The Meat - I am so lucky to know him and count him as a friend. And as he told me how one moment or one action can affect the course of someone's life, so he has affected my life. I know I wouldn't be in the same place or on the same course if I hadn't met him and gotten so close to him, and if he hadn't have taken such a personal interest in me. And my life is infinitely better for it and I feel that I am firmly on the path where I want to be due in large part to him. The End!

Now I'm off to guitar lessons - sore fingers and all!

Once again, short post - but it's my fault this time

It's a beautiful day! Cold, and actually kind of cloudy, and I woke up really late today and was late to work and so it started out bad, but now I'm happy and in a good mood, and it's just beautiful!!

I didn't get my computer last night and I'm not going to get it tonight either, and tomorrow is guitar, so hopefully on Thursday I'll be able to collect it.

We've been so busy at work today, my poor boss had a hard day! And as a result, it's almost 5:30 and I need to leave soon cause I'm getting some action! Not a lot, since I have my period, but it's always exciting. And while I was home over Thanksgiving, I had sex dreams almost every night and I think I orgasmed in my sleep at least once a night. Right before and during my period, I'm just horny as all hell! So it's just kick-ass timing that some action was suggested just this afternoon!

Tomorrow I'll have much more time and be able to tell about a book I bought yesterday :) Well, I bought two books actually. One of Rumi poetry, inspired by WDKY, and I hold the book like it's so precious. (On a side note, I spent about an hour sitting on the floor in front of the bookshelf looking at all the available books on Rumi, and my mom would have had a heart attack if she walked by since I was sitting in the Religion section under Islam!) The other book is the one I'll talk more about tomorrow - it's about sex!

Short post

I wrote a whole post a bit ago and pressed the publish button and blogger told me there was a problem with the server. And so I lost my whole post and now I don't have time to re-type it. But I'll hopefully be picking up my computer tonight - although I need to erase everything and reset it with the CD the computer came with - so MAYBE I'll be able to re-write something tonight. If I'm lucky. Otherwise I'll just have a lot to say tomorrow!

Happy Turkey Day!!!

My mom moved the laptop downstairs today so whenever one of us wanted to use the computer, we'd still be all together. So, I'm sitting at the kitchen table, my mom literally just announced that the turkey is about done (and it smells sooooooooooo good!), I peeled the potatos and set them to cooking a half hour ago so they should be just about done, oh - and James Bond is on in the background! It's a good day! My dad is in the family room watching football and getting hungry, and my grandma is sitting at the table talking about something she's reading (I'm so mean sometimes, but I have a limited amount of patience, and she's gotten so much ditzier lately).

This morning we woke up too early to go to church, and chatted with people there, including the old pastor who has become absolutely hilarious since retiring ten-odd years ago. Then we picked up my grandma on the way home and made the stuffing and all that stuff. And since then, just waiting, chatting a bit, looking at all the millions of ads for sales starting tomorrow - for all the Christmas shopping. And also, we all took our turns chatting with my brother and grandpa on the phone.

And the food smells soooooooo good, did I mention that?! I can't wait to have mashed potatos and stuffing!!! And the dark meat of the turkey!!!

And now, because this holiday isn't all about food, here are some of the many things that I'm thankful for:

- my mom, who is amazing in so many ways and loves me beyond unconditionally, just as I love her

- my dad, whose certain looks can just melt my heart and make me so proud of the man who he has become

- James and Emma, my sweetest kittens who are my angels of happiness!

- my brother, who has shared so many life experiences with me and who is a part of me

- my grandpa and grandma - although I can only take them in relatively short doses, I adore them completely

- my wonderful friends, who are all so different and so special in their own ways, and who make my life so much more complete and wonderful, and who wouldn't love me the way they do if I wasn't special, too :)

- all the people who I work with, who are so unique and such wonderful characters and people. I have learned so much from them. I'm especially thankful for The Meat, who is one of the most wonderful and complex people who I know, and for The Italian Chef, who has invited me into her life and also provides me with endless entertainment. And even though I don't technically still work with her, Florida is also on this list and is one of the best people I know.

- my comfortable apartment to where I can retreat

- and there are so many other things that I could think of, from little to small, but my mom has asked me twenty times now to set the table, so my final thing that I'm thankful for right now: I'm thankful for me being me, and how I've become me, and for the path that I continue to be able to take toward becoming even better!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow blogger friends!!!!

A terrible day

I'm at my home at my parent's place in Michigan right now. Cinnamon, one of their Maine Coon cats, is laying right next to me on the desk, with one of her little (actually big) paws on the computer. She's so sweet! I'll be posting pictures of Cinnamon and Annie soon!

Monday night was a terrible night, and yesterday was hard as well, especially in the morning. After I typed my post on Monday night, I talked to Florida on the phone for a bit and then got ready to leave work. Right before I put my coat on, I checked my cell phone and saw that my mom had called a little before five but not left a message, and I got nervous.

For the past three months, one side of my mom's neck had been really swollen, and she had sinus issues. She thought it was an infection that she got after some dental work, and had gone back to the dentist, and to her doctor a few times. Finally she was referred to an ear, nose and throat doctor, and she saw one last Thursday who turned out to be terrible, but luckily had an appointment with another one on Friday. He took four needle biopsies of the mass that day and she had an appointment at three o'clock on Monday to get the results. So, she called soon after her appointment and hadn't left a message.

The results said that it's a tumor in her saliva gland, but they couldn't tell whether it's benign or malignant. She is having the gland and tumor removed on December 6, and they'll send it immediately to pathology for testing, and within 15 minutes they'll know. So if it's malignant, then they'll remove the lymph nodes that are right next to the saliva gland, and also remove everything around it. And I'm sure she'll have to undergo chemo and radiation since the lymph nodes are right there.

I asked her what her coping (sp?) mechanisms are so I can know, and she thought about it and said she likes to prepare for the worst - so she'll teach my dad how to cook, and teach me where everything is on the computer and where all the money and everything else is, and teach my brother stuff, too. She sounded pretty sad, understandably, and that broke my heart.

After that, since it was so late and I know The German would be home by then, and since I had planned to drop my keys off with his doorman, I called to see if I could go up as well. He said no, because he had plans and would already be gone by then. I asked, "With a girl?" and he said yes. I asked, "Is it a date?" and he said "sort of." Which caused to me start silently weeping. He said, "Tigress, it's been two years since we've dated, don't do this." Yes, I know it's been two years. But he still acts as if I'm the only woman when he's with me, and sometimes it still seems like we're almost together. Then he clarified and told me that he's known her for many months and neither of them are really interested in each other. He was going over to her house. So why, for sex? The German said he felt so bad and if he hadn't already made plans, he'd want to be with me since I got the terrible news about my mom. But he had his plans. And a part of me hates him for it. With the combination of my mom and The German, it was the worst night I've had in a very, very long time.

Yesterday The German was instant messaging me and being very sweet, but I wasn't talking back much. I just didn't want to even think about it. And I broke out crying at work when I told everyone, which I didn't plan on doing. But everyone at work was so wonderful and so supportive, and also really made me feel much better. The Meat pointed out that if the doctor thought it was malignant, he would have fit her in for the operation right away instead of saying they could do it in a week or two. Which is true! And on the internet it says that 80% of these tumors are benign, so that's so good! So we'll just wait and see what the results are, and try not to think the worst.

Of course, yesterday I went to Borders during lunch and looked through all the cancer books, and I bought two that I'm not going to give to my mother unless necessary. But I got through more than half of one of them last night on the four-hour train ride. It's called "The Anatomy of Hope" and is written by a doctor who has specialized in cancer and blood diseases over the past thirty years. And it's pretty interesting and fascinating. The other one is about natural remedies for cancer, and I got that more for learning about how to improve the immune system and stuff like that. So I'll read these both so I can know - that's kind of my defense mechanism.

I also bought them my SuperFoods RX book, cause it's just fascinating and they need to start eating this stuff right away. I had planned to give it them for Christmas, but the sooner they start, the earlier they'll see the benefits. I've already read my mom a few parts and she's sold on those!

My mom just got back from the grocery store so I'll go downstairs to help with the pumpkin pies and the eating of the pie dough - my favorite!!!! I already went through all the cranberries, and washed them. And she cleaned out the turkey and is cooking the icky giblets for the stuffing. And I hear her downstairs mixing up the pumpkin mix. Tonight we'll cut up the bread into cubes and bake them, all while watching Lost.

All in all, I think my mom is doing much better now since the shock has worn off, and we're just waiting for the results of the surgery now. But she's also nervous about how she'll look. There's a 50% chance that she'll lose all feeling in her lower lip, and it's certain that she'll lose feeling in her lower cheek and ear. But if it's malignant and they have to cut out more, I don't know how much they'll have to cut out of her cheek. She's understandably a little hesitant about that. But all this turned out to have perfect timing, because this way I could come to be with my mom, and that's the most important thing and makes both of us feel better. I can't even think about something happening to her because she is the center of my universe and the most important person in the world to me. So I'm not going to think about it - I'm sticking with hope! Because even if it's malignant, we'll fight the evil cancer until it's gone. Luckily medicine keeps making the most giant of leaps, and so there are so many things that the doctors can do to make my mom all well again!

I'll update later! Now I'm going to go be with my mom!

A field trip

The weekend was good and pretty uneventful as a whole. On Saturday I hooked up with my sex buddy for a bit for some good fun, and this time I didn't have any of the soul-searching bad feelings. Then I watched Chicago on television that night. And on Sunday I slept in much longer than I had expected, until a bit after noon, and then went shopping with The German, which was good fun. And I got lots of healthy food, yay! The one bad thing was that I left my cellphone at work over the weekend. So had no phone.

Today a few of us went on a field trip, organized for us by The Meat, to the criminal courthouse. It was very interesting and very different from where I work. It had an oppressive quality to it. And things were at most times very slow, but then when we sat in on a bond hearing, things moved at lightning speed.

The one longer evidentiary matter that we sat in on dealt with the state's attorney moving to admit into evidence statements made by an 8-year-old girl to a child advocacy case worker. The case worker testified and went over the various open-ended questions that she asked, and the little girl's replies. The defendant, the girl's uncle, sat at the defense table with his attorney, in his prison garb, and looked merely interested, but certainly not sorry. It's alleged that he sexually molested his little niece on four occasions. And from what we heard, I think there are also allegations that he molested two other girls as well, I think both relatives. When the hearing was over and the defendant got up to go back to lockup, he sauntered across the room as if he owned it. That part was the most shocking to me - his apparent lack of a conscious and lack of fear.

All in all, it was most depressing to me because most of the defendants are black males. And we were told that 85% of the caseload is drug-related. From possession to robbery, burglary, and murder - resulting indirectly from drugs. The judge we talked to said that crack is the most prevalent among the defendants, but they see some heroin. And methamphetamines (sp?) is starting to make more of a showing. What is so depressing, though, is that most of those black men have probably not known anything different. When they were little they saw guys going to prison, they knew people who were then murdered. And as they grew older they didn't know any other way. And many probably got hooked on crack as an escape from a life with no future and no hope. That's so incredibly sad! But things aren't going to change for the majority of kids growing up today. And that's even more sad. And the number of people going through that courthouse every year is staggering.

On a completely different note, I forgot to write something that The Meat said to me last week. He told me that we need to find me a guy, because "[I'm] to good to waste." I loved that! Along with being sexy as hell, he's also one of the best people that I know in the entire world, and I value everything about him. I'm a much better person by knowing him.

Tomorrow night after work I leave for Michigan on the Amtrak, to my parents' house for Thanksgiving. It's the best meal of the entire year!!! But it will be a bit weird this year as it's the first time my brother won't be there. So it will be just my mom, dad, grandma and myself. It will still be nice, and fun to be home and spend time with my parents, but that little something will be missing and I think we'll all be just a little sad. My brother and The Bitch, otherwise known as The Sister-in-Law (TSIL) aren't really celebrating the holiday at all I don't think. Neither of them have any vacation time yet as they just started their new jobs in Atlanta. At least they're coming for Christmas though. My mom finally gave in and bought tickets for them ($1,000 each) to come. I'm not looking forward to TSIL, but I guess I have to take her in order to see my brother. Which sucks!!!

Anyway, I have to get going now as I need to drop my keys off at the The German's front desk on the way home. He's going to take care of little Emma and James for me while I'm gone! Only I'm going to miss my babies and cuddling with them, and they are so loving and need lots of love, so even though I'm excited about seeing my parents, I hate leaving my babies.

Harry Potter and the story of The German

Today is sooooo much better for my fingers. Yesterday I could hardly type as my left hand fingertips were so sore from so much guitar playing!!

And speaking of guitar, I was sucking all over the place on Wednesday night. Mostly because I can only concentrate on one hand at a time. We were working on strumming. Note that I'm still very much a beginner and although I CAN change chords without looking, I usually look, or at least am thinking about my fingers changing position. So when the teacher had us do a strum of up-down-up-stop-up-down-up-stop, I really needed to concentrate on that. And it was fucking impossible to then play the song! The song was super-easy and just went back and forth between C and G, but I'd either forget to change the chord cause I was concentrating so much on the strumming, or I'd remember to change the chord and get completely lost with the strumming. The one good thing was that I heard tons of other people also forgetting to change the chord as well. So, I need to practice this impossible strumming thing along with chord changes so I don't suck at my next lesson!

Tonight...Harry Potter!!!! Yay!!!! I'm so excited! I already bought tickets online for Florida, TIC and myself. The movie starts at 6:15, so TIC and I are going really early to get good seats saved for us. I'm going to want to reread all the books after tonight!

A couple days ago I picked up the check from The German's doorman and yesterday it had cleared, so I completely paid off two of my three credit cards. When I go home this next Tuesday night, my mom will give me the check for $4,000, and I'll pay off the third credit card. Yesterday I also went through all my on-line payments from the past year and first separated them by payee, and then by month, and figured the total amount I paid for each month along with the total amount paid to credit cards. And then made out a simple budget for myself. I'll have to do more, but it's a good start!

So, a couple people asked about The German! If you want to read a reeeeeeally long post (there's a link there, you just can hardly see it) from the end of August, I told the whole story and much more. But for the short story, here it is! First of all, to get it out there - there's no future for us as significant others. Unfortunately.

We dated for eight months in 2003 and spent almost all our free time together and were so happy. He was so wonderful and loving and affectionate and we did all kinds of fun things together, and he got me out and taught me things and I was so in love. He was my first real boyfriend in years, but I wasn't smitten just because of that but because of him.

Anyway, I was thinking about a future with him, and on December 7, as he was making his final plans for his month vacation down the Central America the next week, we talked about me going there for a week to meet him, and decided to do it. That night I called my mom and she used her FF miles to get me a flight. And then I got a call from downstairs, from The German. I didn't know why he was at my place cause we hadn't planned it, but I was of course happy. When he came in, he looked sad and said "I come not with good news." And then broke my heart.

Why? Because although he loved me, he didn't love me like I loved him, but loved me more as a sister. And he has no interest in ever getting married or having children. And is in many ways a loner, even though you wouldn't guess it from spending time with him. An example - he dreams of retiring in a few years (he's almost 41), buying a sailboat, and just sailing around the world by himself and living on the boat. Kind of cool, yes, but not to do alone! Anyway, he didn't want things to keep going the fabulous way they were and for me to waste years on him when it wouldn't lead to anything. Which was good of him. He had dated his previous girlfriend for four years and they eventually broke up because he didn't want to change anything in the relationship or move forward in any way.

Anyway, on that night I wept and wept and wept and he cried, too. And for the next week before he left on vacation we spent all our time together except he'd no longer spend the night. He emailed about every other day while on vacation. And it's been a long road since then to where we are now - we very slowly moved more towards friendship and hooked up less and less often, and we got closer and closer as well. BUT, he still doesn't ever want to get married or have children, and although he loves me, I really don't think he's normal in the head in that he doesn't develop the same kind of feelings as the rest of us do, and doesn't need people like the rest of us do. He's odd, but I still adore him. And he always tells me that I'll find the right person eventually and that I'm the perfect girl. I sometimes tell him about guys I've dated but never alot, and he sort of seems to gleam onto the bad things when I do tell him anything. I don't know, it's complicated!

Some days I still adore him and sometimes when he leaves or I leave after we spent a day together I get sad. But other times I love it just as it is and love having him as my wonderful friend. And by the way, he is now calling me every morning to make sure I'm awake, which is very sweet! However, although I may say I'm fine with how things are, that does not mean that I'm fine with him having any contact with other girls. I get jealous in the extreme if I ever get the impression that he may have gone on an actual date. Which to my knowledge he hasn't. After me, I guess he learned his lesson that he's not meant to be with anyone and he doesn't want to hurt anyone else. But he better not even try dating anyone else! It would break my heart and kill me and I wouldn't be able to talk to him anymore.

Okay, phew, there's the story! I typed more than I expected to, but I could have typed sooooooooo much more! But now, I'm going to get excited about Harry Potter!!!! I can't wait! Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with a friend all day, and on Sunday I'll hopefully see The German for a bit. I want him to go to Trader Joe's with me.

Oh - and very quickly - the book I'm reading right now is Changing my whole outlook on food! The book is SuperFoods RX, and it talks about 14 foods that should be in your diet and why and what diseases and/or conditions they can help prevent and well, it's just fascinating!!! So far I've read the chapters on Beans, Blueberries, Broccoli, and Oats. And I started on Oranges today. Last night I went to Sherman's, a health food store, and bought frozen blueberries and raspberries, blueberry juice, frozen broccoli tops, flax meal, wheat germ, oatmeal, granola, two cans of beans, and a package of dried lentils. And I know a few other things as well. Don't ever say I don't jump right into things!!! :) Just wait until I have to incorporate all 14 things almost every day! Shit! But this is good cause it gives me a plan! And there's so much science behind it all!!! Oh how exciting!!!!

And now, I have to get ready to go see Harry Potter and all the exciting magic action!!! Yay!!! I'll try to get to the internet cafe on Sunday to type and read everyone else's blogs, cause otherwise Monday mornings I don't get much real work done :)

I know I've been a bad writer!

I swear I'll write tomorrow! Yesterday I was practicing guitar all day and today doing random things and then being depressed with PMS. So tomorrow, update, and also link to The German!

I'm getting in on the Rumi thing as well :)

I'm procrastinating for another couple minutes before getting ready for tonight's meeting!

When I heard WDKY's podcast from last week, wherein he recited one of the most beautiful poems I'd ever heard, I was so intrigued and looked up and printed out a bunch of Rumi poems last night. I adore the one that WDKY put in today's post as much as the one he recited. So lyrical and almost mystical to me! Anyway, I wanted to post another one that I thought was so beautiful and spoke to me. Thank you, WDKY, for introducing me to such a beautiful poet! And I'm so fascinated that he lived in the 13th century!!!

A Moment of Happiness

A moment of happiness,
you and I sitting on the veranda,
apparently two, but one in soul, you and I.
We feel the flowing water of life here,
you and I, with the garden's beauty
and the birds singing.
The stars will be watching us,
and we will show them
what it is to be a thin crescent moon.
You and I unselfed, will be together,
indifferent to idle speculation, you and I.
The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar
as we laugh together, you and I.
In one form upon this earth,
and in another form in a timeless sweet land.

I'm so relaxed and at peace now...

Quickly...

I have a volunteer meeting tonight, and I am learning to hate them since I became the president. I hate having to make the agenda, I hate having to run the meetings, and I hate talking while everyone is looking at me. Hate it, hate it, hate it! My "term" ends next June 30, and I'll gladly volunteer to be secretary again, or VP, or even treasurer, but not president.

For you who were wondering, I have written about my history with The German. However, since I haven't yet fixed all the formatting issues, it will be quite difficult for anyone to scroll through and find it. So...tomorrow I'll provide that link and also write whatever happens to be on my mind about him. In short, though, he's so wonderful, and I adore him, and on this December 7th we'll have been broken up for two years. And I haven't seriously dated anyone in those two years. It's not as if I think about The German all the time or am still stuck on him. But at times the old feelings do come to the surface.

Anyway, though, I have to go write up the agenda and make copies and write up my little auxiliary report! I hate that. And then I need to swing by the Hancock to pick up The German's check, deposit it, and get to the meeting. I'm going to be so happy when I get home tonight! And I'll practice guitar more for tomorrow's lesson!

How The German is so wonderful

I'm so tired, and I don't know why! My eyes are sleepy, my body just feels TIRED. But I PROMISED myself that I'd go to the AA meeting tonight, so I'm going to make myself go. But since I'm sleepy I'll be even less talkative, and no one better make me talk in front of the group or else I'm sure I won't be back again. Yes, I HATE and FEAR public speaking. Unless I'm among friends or people who I'm comfortable with, and in a small enough group. But I'm not going to think about it anymore and make myself too nervous to go.

I'll go back to my wonderful Saturday! The German came over around 11 am, and cooked up some scrambled eggs and bacon - my favorite! Then we tried to take my annual Christmas picture - me, James and Emma together. Yes, it's my family photo, and everyone gets one in their Christmas card!! But man, is it hard to do! James and Emma love it when I hold them individually, but once I have them both and have their little butts sitting on a pillow on my lap and try to get them both happy and looking at the camera - well, neither of them is happy and there's a lot of little cries. The first round of pictures were terrible as either James or Emma was trying to escape in every picture. And I cut their claws after that, too. The second round was acceptable and some turned out okay, but they were too close-up and I just didn't like the lighting too much. The third round had terrible lighting. So this weekend we'll have to try again!

After that we walked to the zoo and walked through to see our favorite animals. Mine - tigers, The German's - pigs. And we happened to just in time to watch the cows get milked! Did you know that a cow only produces milk for about 300 days after she gives birth, and after that she dries up and you have to get her knocked up again? I had no idea! So it was interesting!

I was feeling tired and also had a bit of a stomach ache, so we took the bus to The German's apartment. Did I mention he lives on the 61st floor of the Hancock building? The view is just spectacular! Anyway, he put on some music and we laid down and cuddled and shut our eyes and talked just sporadically. A little later he made some tea to settle my stomach, and then he spent all that time helping me get the picture on this template. He is so wonderful how he will spend all this time to help me!

And then, we went swimming! The pool is on the 44th floor and is just wonderful - warm, and no one else was in it. It was very windy outside and we could actually see the glass shake, which is a little disconcerting but also kind of cool to see how it can bend. Oh I just loved swimming!!! I love the feeling of my body gliding through the water, and feeling a bit weightless and so free!!! I didn't want to get out and kept saying we had to do just a one more lap (note: these were leisurely laps I was doing, not some speed racing!). I told The German that I'm going to visit him again very, very soon so we can swim some more! If I lived there I think I'd be swimming every day!

So after that, we went back upstairs and The German made us coffee and cut us little slices of terimisu (oh fuck, I know I butchered the spelling but I'm not going to look it up). And then I taught him how to sew a button on - so domestic! He sewed the second one on and I finished up with the third. And then we watched the little movie For All Mankind, which contains video from all the Apollo space flights and walks on the moon. Kind of cool, I'd never known some of that stuff or seen so much actual footage. I love seeing it when it's REAL! Finally, sleepy me went home after a lovely day with The German.

And a few more wonderful things about The German. I've written before about how I've cried to him about my finances, and how he's been so wonderful about it. On Friday, on my day off, he called me from work. We'd talked about how one of the first things I needed to do was apply for a new credit card to transfer some balances over to. I'm going to tell y'all how bad it has gotten. I owe about $12K to credit cards, but since I've been so poor since moving into my new place, I often have been really, really low on money and paid late or even skipped payments a couple times. As a result, one card is at 25.75% interest, the next at 28.5%, and the third one is at a whopping 30.25%. It's highway robbery.

So, I called one of the cards that had sent me an offer. And I was denied. So called The German back and cried to him over the phone. He pumped me back up, and I called a second one. It was all automated, so I'll get a letter telling me what the decision is. I called The German back feeling at least better cause I didn't know whether I'd be denied. Then he applied online for me to another, while I was on the phone. Denied. But he was so wonderful about the whole thing.

This weekend he hinted at it, and today he told me over instant messenger that he's going to loan me $8,000 at no interest, so I can pay off two of the cards. And he doesn't want me to start repaying him for an entire year. That's because I'm going to call my mom tonight and get her to loan me $4,000, and The German wants me to be able to pay back only my mom this year, so she'll be happy. And after that I'll pay him $300/month or more as I can afford it. He's going to write a check tonight and I can pick it up at his front desk tomorrow.

This is the most amazing thing that he's doing for me. He's loaning me a huge amount of money, and getting nothing in return, not even interest. And all because he wants me to get out of this debt and he's seen that once someone gets in it, it's really hard to get out cause the cards you have are charging such high interest and no one will give you new cards with low rates. So I've been paying mostly just the finance charges each month for the past number of months. I keep telling him how thankful I am and humbled and that I don't deserve it, and his only response: "Don't say that again, you do deserve it." He's just amazing and has made me so happy. And tonight I'll call my mom, and also plan out a budget for myself that lays out how much I'll pay my mom each month, how much (estimated) for other bills, and how much is left over for spending.

I feel so hopeful because of this! I will get rid of the cards (I haven't actually used any of them for probably a year, but that's because they are all maxed out), and be able to make payments that will actually go against the principle. And I'll start making more money in the near future as well! I love Hope, it's just an amazing thing!!! And The German is the most wonderful and amazing friend, and I completely adore him. I don't know how I'm going to find a guy as good as he is in his ways, and who I feel as comfortable around and makes me feel so wonderfully loved.

My New Template - Yay!!!!

Okay, the new template is finally here! I'm so excited! I still have some little things to iron out, some are more noticeable than others, but at least I have a different and fun template up! One thing that absolutely sucks, though, is that I have to now go back through every single of the 120-odd posts I've written and take out the formatting, because if you scroll down, you'll see that at the end of each post it puts in a space about a mile long. But that can be done slowly, and I have a new template!!!

I spent the day with The German yesterday and it was just wonderful and perfect. I'm going to write more about it tomorrow and put up pictures to go along with it! He was so wonderful, though, because he spent over an hour helping me get the picture into the template and get rid of the original picture. I don't know Photoshop at all, so I never would have been able to do this without him.

Right now I'm at an internet cafe and I don't have much time left, cause I was putting in this new template and fiddling with it to get certain parts right, or at least better than they were. It's windy as all fucking hell outside! A few times on the walk over here I thought I was going to blow over, and a few other times I doubted whether I'd be able to walk forward against the force! But, I made it, uphill and through five feet of snow both ways :)

When I'm finished here in a few minutes, I'm heading to get cat litter and new cat hairbrush, and then stuff to make cupcakes for work tomorrow - it's my boss's birthday today so I thought I'd surprise him and bring cupcakes in for everyone tomorrow! And also, I'm going to paint tonight. I got an idea in my head for something I wanted to paint. Not that it will come out looking at all like the picture in my head, but it will be fun nonetheless!

Okay, I'm going to try to take the formatting out of a couple more posts before I get shut down here! I'm so excited to join all you cool people and get a new template, too!!!!

Very quickly...

I am feeling so so so much better today, and back to my old self. Thank you for the wonderful comments, you guys! I'm just normal and mature and can love sex just for sex. And I really do care about this person a lot in many ways and am close with him. And it was great fun!!!

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, and since I work for the government, I get the day off!!! Yay!!! Tonight I'm going to watch all my fun shows and start reading a book that The Meat bought for me. And tomorrow I'll sleep in a little, read the book, and go to a local internet cafe for coffee and to of course use the internet.

By the way, I took my computer in, FINALLY, on Monday night. And they have to send it in to have the input jack where the power chord goes in soderized cause the power chord doesn't fit - the space is too big. Now, I used some big words there like input jack, and I think I sounded like I know what I'm talking about! Anyway, I won't get my computer back for between one and three weeks.I'll have time to type LOTS more tomorrow, but now The Meat is waiting for me, so I have to get going!

Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex!!!

I'm going to get hot sex and other hot action tonight - woo-hoo!!!!!!!!

And that's all I have time for right now...update tomorrow

Weekend wrap-up

I had a lovely weekend! I love it when that happens! And unlike the previous weekend when I didn't leave my apartment, this weekend I was so active!

On Friday night, I watched Mystic River, which I had been meaning to watch for a long time. Very good, and I completely see why Sean Penn won the Ocsar for his performance.

Saturday morning I woke up early, with the help of James and Emma, and met Florida at about 10:30, at our usual corner. We went to breakfast at Nookie's and then walked around and looked in some shops at all the pretty clothes and shoes. And then we popped into The Aroma Workshop! I love that place!!! We spent forever smelling tons of different scents, and the owner would mix together two or three for us, until we each found a scent that we loved. And the owner put the scent into moisturizer for us!! Oh was it fun!!! My scent was Sandalwood and something called Chance, and Florida's had Cucumber (I think I spelled that wrong but I'm too lazy to look it up) and, oh crap, I forgot what else! Two other things, I think one was called Athena - anyway, it was so pretty! We're going to do it again around Christmas and take The Italian Chef to get a present for her. And Florida is going to make some scents for her mom and maybe others. Oh - and the picture at the side here is of the brochure for The Aroma Workshop, and Florida, Asparagus and I all agreed that it looked completely dirty and very sexual - and after meeting the owner, I don't think it would ever cross his mind what came immediately to our minds!

After the aroma workshop we popped in a couple more shops and I bought a couple very cute tops at a discount store, I just love them!!! And they weren't expensive at all. Of course, I am ridiculously poor, but both can be worn either to work or out, so I justify that way. As a result of my shopping excursion, I had to ask my mom to send me a check for $100 to last me the next two weeks. But I am so happy that I bought a couple new things!

Anyway, I took a nap later that afternoon when I got home, and then Firecracker picked me up at 7 and we headed up to Violet's house. There, we had appetizers of chocolate cupcakes with festive orange frosting (we rationalized that we might not have room for them after dinner, so might as well eat them before!) and Violet made us all some Mexican hot chocolate. We looked at some pictures and visited with Uganda while the salmon was marinating, and later we went downstairs where Firecracker made wonderful mashed potatos and Violet broiled the salmon and heated up frozen vegetables, and I mostly watched them - but they were doing such a good job and I didn't know how to help. And it was all so so so yummy!!! And Violet gave me leftovers to take home!!! Oh - and Firecracker and I got to drive home in a pouring rainstorm! It was such a fun night!

On Sunday morning I leisurely got ready and arrived at The German's at 11:30. He made us omelettes and we cuddled on the bed a little. During breakfast I burst into tears at one point out of frustration with my complete lack of money. The German was comforting and held my hand and came up with a couple little solutions to help me. I love that I can cry in front of him and he is so wonderful. Later, we took the L down to Roosevelt and walked over to the lake, past The Field Museum, toward the Planetarium, and out to the end of Northerly Isle. Oh my gosh was it just gorgeous!! It was so peaceful out there because the city, instead of landscaping it, let it stay mostly natural. There were wildflowers and wild grass and trees. And the only other people we saw out there were a few people running or biking the paths. But mostly we were alone. Of course, that meant I had to do a few exhibitionist shots!!! :)

Later we took the bus back to his place and looked at all our pictures, and cuddled on the bed a little, and then he made me a sandwich for dinner and I left a little after that. And then I was so productive when I got home!! Along with watching Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy, I did my nails, cleaned my kitchen, cleaned the bathroom (or loo - a much more fun word!), straightened the living room, got some clothes ready to return today, and packed up my computer to take with me today - so I can go to Best Buy after this and finally have the stupid thing fixed). And then this morning I picked up my drycleaning. Tonight I have to do some laundry and vaccuum. I'm hoping my laundry card still has some money on it, because otherwise I have $6 to my name until my mom's check comes and/or the returns that I'll be making tonight before Best Buy go through on my card.

Okay, it's 5:30 and I need to leave to return the clothes and get to Best Buy before I start feeling lazy!

Oh - and the most exciting thing, and probably the reason that I'm feeling hot all over right now, is that I do believe tomorrow night I'm going to be having my fun hookup - and I know absolutely that it's going to be so hot, although I don't know exactly what to expect. Yay!

Fun weekend plans and other random stuff

Plans for the weekend: Tonight - nothing. I'll watch a movie and feed my addiction to Sudoku. Tomorrow - breakfast with Florida, dinner with Violet and Firecracker. Sunday - breakfast with The German. Also on the agenda sometime - a thorough cleaning of my apartment

I forgot to write this yesterday, but I was talking to Firecracker on Wednesday night, and she said she's bringing sparkling cider (if she can find it) for our dinner at Violet's on Saturday, so there wouldn't be any wine there to tempt me. Isn't that the nicest and sweetest and most wonderful thing! It made me so happy and I smile whenever I think of it! I love my friends!!!

Yesterday I got the hottest email! It was so fabulous and made me juice right up as well! And I've re-read it numerous times. I also just printed it out so I can have it with me over the weekend. It makes me so happy when I read it! And horny! And I'm never going to delete it.

Today, The Meat brought pictures of himself for us to look at, at various ages. They were fabulous! And he was hot! I love looking at pictures from when people are young!

Last night I was bad. And I'm feeling terrible and so pissed off at myself because of it. The idea came and the decision was made so fast. And once the decision is made in my mind, I don't want to call one of my friends to try to talk me out of it. So I bought a bottle of wine. And drank it all, and then went back out and bought another bottle and drank half of it before passing out on the couch. I'm just reporting, because of course this is my place to be honest and document things. I'm back on the wagon again as of today and determined to do better. And I'm really going to force myself to go to an AA meeting on Monday. It's right by my house, but the last two Mondays I've made excuses to not go. But this Monday I'll go.

On a completely different subject, James has decided to stop using his litter pan for the most part, and instead prefers using the bathtub. This has been going on now for the past three weeks. When I see him heading for the bathtub or in the bathtub, I pick him up and put him in the litter pan (which is in the bedroom). But every day there's a poopy in the tub. And I've seen him pee in there too, although he's quite considerate and pees right by the drain. Honestly, I don't mind so much, because it's easy enough to pick up his poopy and flush it down the toilet, and to wash down the pee I just turn on the water for a few seconds. But it's become a complete habit for him now. And his poopy smells, which is how I know before I even see the poopy that it's in the tub. BTW, I use the term "poopy" for the kittens, but I don't go around referring to people's shit as poopy. It's the cute kitten talk, as I say to James: "You went poopy in the shower again, you bad boy!" Anyway, I don't see how I'm going to get him to stop. I think he likes not having to step in the litter. Well, my mom did suggest shutting the bathroom door, so I'll try that for awhile and see if it will break him of the habit. But something tells me he'll start back up whenever the door is open. Little Emma is perfect, of course, so feminine and clean and always using the litter pan. Oh - this gives me a reason to put up pictures of my sweet babies!!! The first one is of James - I love when I get a picture of him looking pissy!! He was thinking "enough already with the fucking pictures, Mom!" And the second one is of my sweet little Emma - she's so cute!!!

Oh, and I'm going to be having sex sometime soon - yay! A plan is in the works with an old friend. I don't know when yet, but it'll be within the next couple weeks. And also, I'm getting myself a highly recommended Hitachi Magic Wand this weekend!! Last time I went to my local sex store (The Pleasure Chest) they were out, but it's been a month so I'm sure they'll be restocked now. I really need a new toy to play with!

Guitar and Sex. Or preferably, Sex and Guitar.

Guitar class last night went very well! Of course, since there were 11 students and 1 teacher playing, we all sounded pretty good. Tonight I'm sure I won't sound so perfect. But still, I'm getting better! Soon I'll be kick-ass!!! We learned Mrs. Robinson and Only Little Boy in New York last night, both by Simon & Garfunkel. They're both really good songs to play - and a bit of a challenge for me which is very good indeed. And good news - the white blister-like spots on my fingers had hardened this morning, so they're turning into calluses and I feel so cool because of it!!! Calluses! Like a real guitar player!!!

After class last night, and after getting off the L, I had a slow 15-minute walk to my place, and it was just GORGEOUS outside!!!! Absolutely PERFECT fall weather - crisp, clean, light wind, yellow leaves falling off trees. It smelled like life! And I was drinking it all in! Today was so beautiful as well. It was supposed to get into the 70's, so it probably did. But I'm looking forward to leaving tonight so I can smell my fall smells outside.

Let's see, what else? I feel like I've been wet all day long. I can feel it when I stand, when I walk, and when I sit. And I'm going to play when I get home. However, I think I could have as many orgasms as is possible but I still wouldn't be satisfied, because what I really want is to be fucked. There's just no getting around it - I need dick! That's a very big reason why I could never be a lesbian. That, and I love men.

I'll leave you now with a verse from Father and Son by Cat Stevens, one of my current favorite songs. I can't wait until I can learn to play it! (Oh, and this is the father talking to the son:

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

>

Hot kissing picture from yesterday. Vincent Gallo has such amazing sex appeal!!! And just look at his gorgeous hands - I love when guys put their hands on my face or side of my head when kissing me - so, so, so, so hot!!!! I also love that Vincent Gallo is kind of a bad boy/different-type. God, I want some kissing! And some very hard and fast fucking!!! Playing by myself last night wasn't even close to curing me!!!!!

The German came to visit me at work today for a bit! He works out near O'Hare so I hardly ever see him downtown during the day. But he had a dentist appointment, so he stopped by afterward. It was fun! He chatted with everyone here, and then we walked outside for a bit.

But now, I'm going to practice my guitar a little more before I leave for class. I already practiced for half an hour this afternoon, and three of my four fingers on my left hand look like they are halfway in between a blister and a callus. They better stay on the callus side of it.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Let the games begin!!!

>There are only 100 days left until the Winter Olympics begin!!! I LOVE watching the Olympics! I love watching the various sports, learning about the athletes, and most of all, I love seeing people from so many countries come together for something positive. I love watching the opening ceremonies when the athletes from each country come in. I love little moments when an athlete from one country hugs an athlete from another country. This morning I was just thinking in general about the olympics and I remember during either the last summer olympics or the ones in Sydney, during one of the longer-distance swimming events, maybe a 200-meter race, one man from an African country swam the race. He was so out of the race, couldn't even possibly compete, but he just kept on swimming long after the other racers had finished. And the crowd started cheering for him. And the other athletes cheered him on. It warmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes, and still does today. I honestly don't think I'll ever forget that. It was so beautiful.

Wet, wet, wet in my pants

Well let me tell you, I'm so wet and horny right now. And still sitting at work so I can type this up. I want some fucking.

Speaking of horny, this weekend I ordered the movie Brown Bunny on pay-per-view. I was curious, since I knew it got booed at I think Cannes, or one of the other festivals. But I knew that Vincent Gallo had redone parts of it, and the description said it was one of the best studies of male sexuality, or something like that.

Through most of the movie I was only half paying attention. It was a lot of driving on the road, short interactions with women, and very little dialog. But then, near the end, Vincent's character was in a hotel room and Chloe Sevigny's character came in, and I started to pay attention. Their interaction was interesting, and I was drawn in. Then they started kissing. It was beautifully shot - closeups, no background music, whispers from the characters. And THEN, Chloe Sevigny went down on Vincent Gallo, and I mean FOR REAL. Yes, you saw his dick in her mouth, her giving him a full-on blow. My mouth was literally hanging open. First from shock, and then because it was really intense. Afterward, Vincent laid down on the bed and talked to Chloe, and what you find out is really shocking. And the movie ends with a short closeup of Vincent driving. (I did intend to put a nice kissing picture here of Vincent and Chloe, but Blogger isn't complying.

The next day I replayed the end of the movie, starting with when Chloe's character comes to the hotel room. And I recorded it. What can I say, I like my porn, and this was artful, emotionally intense porn. I watched through to the end and was just as shocked and touched as I had been the night before. I read a quote from one critic who said "It's not normal to recommend a movie that's ridiculously, agonizingly dull for its first 70 minutes, but the plotless 'Brown Bunny' defies normalcy." I agree completely. And the last 20 minutes really make up for the all the boringness that came before. Plus, it has really hot oral sex.

And I like oral sex! And all sex! And any sex! (Okay, not ANY sex - I don't want bad sex). But I do want some sex, and I'm going to get some soon!!!