Quick update, cause I'm sleepy!

It's only 10:30 and I can't stop yawning! That's so good!!! I'll go to sleep early and be able to sleep in a little tomorrow but not sleep the day away.

This is my third night of not having a drop of alcohol! I'm still not having cravings. A couple tiny twinges but not nearly enough to be called cravings and anyway, I pushed them out of my head. Last night I emailed a few friends to let them know what's going on, and their responses and support have made me feel so happy, so lucky, so just...I don't know, lots of things. I got teary-eyed a few times reading their responses, just so thankful for having my friends!

And tonight after work I took the L and bus to The Italian Chef's, and turned down a beer when she took it out of the frige. After a little while, Florida and Asparagus came over, and we all feasted on TIC's wonderful homemade pizza. It was a quiet night. TIC was so tired and falling asleep on the couch after we ate. And Florida and I kept yawning. So we all chatted for awhile, intermittently watching a little TV, and then Florida and Asparagus and I left a little before 9:30.

I talked to Florida and Asparagus in the car a little about my alcoholism and plans to stop. Asparagus wants to me put me on a program, going to the gym like he does at 5 am! It sounds good and would make me very, very, very disciplined, but I don't know if that would be possible for me. I'm a night person and so not a morning person! But I do want to get back into a workout routine. And start going to bed much earlier at night. I need plans and schedules, that helps me so much. So we'll see. But so far, I've been so tired the last couple nights. And getting sleepy so early. So first, I'm just going to get my sleep and work on getting to bed earlier and at about the same time every night.

It's my mom's birthday today, and I talked to her in the morning but also called her at 10 tonight and got off just before I started writing this. As a birthday present of sorts, I told her about my decision to stop drinking, get help, and that I've been telling people. She was so happy! And just relieved. So I'm glad I could give her that on her birthday, to take a little stress and worrying about me away.

Tonight in the car, Florida told me that she wasn't really shocked by my admission and that she and Asparagus had had their suspicions. No one else has said that yet, so I was a little shocked, even though I guess I shouldn't be. But I'm wondering if it's because of my reports of drinking in this blog, or my missing work when Florida worked with me, or what else. I'll email her tomorrow and ask her, cause I'm curious. But I was too taken aback to ask her tonight, and also I'm still not completely at ease talking about it all in person. I feel that I smooth over it a little or make it sound more simplistic than it really is. But maybe it really is simple and I've been overthinking it all these months that I've been knowing I need to stop and wanting to but not making the definitive decision. Oh I don't know, and I'm overanalyzing right now!

My plan for tomorrow: sleep in until 9, then up and make coffee and eat oatmeal for breakfast and drink a lot of water, and get dressed for my walk. Then by 10:30 (cause I like to be slooooow in the morning) I'll leave to walk, and I'd like to do my 8-mile walk - to the top of the lakeshore path and back again. And then, I'll come back here, shower, eat some lunch, and get my stuff all laid out to finish this effing opinion (I'm so totally determined to do this on Saturday so I won't procrastinate until Sunday, and also, I get the alcohol cravings when I don't want to do something. So I am determined, and will sit down and just start it so I'll get it done and not have to keep procrastinating. Hmmm, and then, I have nothing else planned. I'm close to being done with my current book (Villa Incognito by Tom Robbins) and after that I'll want to start my new book (A Million Little Pieces by James Frey - about a guy in rehab for alcoholism and drug addiction - supposed to be so raw and amazing). I'll call some people who I haven't talked to in awhile. Okay, I have a plan of sorts!

The Fat Project Update:

Thursday, September 29

Yogurt for breakfast
1 cup coffee w/ creamer
Ham sandwich for lunch
Yogurt for snack
Lots of water at work
Macaroni and cheese for dinner - yes, so so so bad. Apparently I had a different craving last night.
Lots of water
Bedtime tea

Friday, September 30

Roast beef sandwich for breakfast
Roast beef sandwich for afternoon snack
1 cup coffee w/ creamer
4 pieces of TIC's homemade pizza
A couple more cups water
And I'm going to go make some bedtime tea as soon as I post this.

Okay, it's a little after 11 now. I'd wanted to be asleep by now, but I also want to read just a little in bed while I drink my tea. But I had to call my mom, and I had to write this! I'm so proud of myself right now. I don't really remember the last time I have gone for three consecutive nights without drinking. And also, Friday was often a night when I'd get myself two bottles of wine cause I knew I could get completely trashed since I could sleep the next day. So this is a wonderful start!!!

Here it is, my dirty confession.

I'm feeling a bit more positive today, and proud of myself, and as of right now, excited that I am starting on this road and thinking that I may be able to get better. At least I'm finally doing something real about it, and that will include slowly telling some people. I've told MWFB and my mom, but that was a few months ago, and things have only gotten worse, behavior-wise, since then. Then I told my friend AmyD in an email the other day. After last weekend and Monday night-Tuesday, I just knew I couldn't do this anymore. So now I've told two nurses. And now I'll tell you all:

I'm an alcoholic.

I have an appointment on October 14th (at 8-effing-a.m.) with my primary physician. I just got off the phone with her nurse, and she's going to order the blood test for my liver, as well as thyroid test, so I can go very soon and get those. So that by the 14th, my doctor will have the results. And yesterday, I talked with a nurse in the Psychiatry & Behavior department of the hospital, and she's going to call me back today to let me know if one of the doctors specializing in alcohol addiction can fit me in for a consultation. I just want some direction by someone who deals with this. I'll be happy to go to individual therapy, or try some kind of group therapy. But I don't want to do AA.

My ultimate goal here, if possible, would be to get this completely under control but be able to have one drink when I'm out with friends. That would be ideal. Because alcohol is such a part of social life! And I know, that phrase "get this completely under control" is a no-no. But I'd still prefer that. When I first told my mom about this, she thought I could really do it alone, just by will power. Her reasoning: when I was in high school, I was anorexic for a year (I swear you'd think I was normal and wonderful if you met me, just all my f*cked-up-ness is coming out in this one post!), and according to my mom, everything she'd read said that NO ONE could get out of it without some form of therapy. But I got out of it by myself, because she told me that I couldn't go away to college if at the end of the summer I was still anorexic. However, I think that I also got some self-confidence during that time, which I think more likely helped me get out of it.

Anyway, what I want to stop is the drinking alone, which has gotten worse and worse so that most nights I have been drinking at least a full bottle of wine. At least. And as a result, I never get anything done that I want to do, I sometimes feel bad in the morning and have often been late to work and/or missed work because of it (Florida, please don't tell anyone), and I've found that in the past few months, I've also pushed seeing friends or calling friends to the side - because getting drunk has become much more important. And another thing then - I have been spending $10 a day on my bottle of wine, and on the days when that just wasn't enough, I'd of course order the next bottle for delivery, from a restaurant, so they charge up the wazoo for it. And I'd have to order food with it, so it would end up being expensive, and also not help any with The Fat Project!

So here's the thing. Right now I'm doing fine, I'm determined to stop drinking alone and get this under control. I didn't drink last night and didn't want to. I don't want to drink right now. So thus far, I haven't had to deal with my cravings since I've made my resolution (Tuesday night, after drinking three bottles of red wine in twenty-four hours). And the grocery store is right next door to my building. And once I get the craving, I usually have an internal battle but the alcohol usually wins. I justify it in some way. Oh - and I never get the cravings until I'm on my way home or just about home, or sometimes at home. That's the bad time.

And it's just not fair! I'd much rather be addicted to illegal drugs because then when I stopped, at least I wouldn't be around them anymore, and they aren't socially acceptable. I'm so jealous of all these people who can drink and not be addicted. Who can have two beers with friends and go home without first then stopping at the store to buy more beer. And I love going to dinner and having a beer or glass of wine. I love the taste of a cold beer in the summer, and I love the taste of a good glass of wine. And sometimes I'm perfectly fine! It's only when I get the buzz, then I want more. But also, if I get buzzed and then enough time passes that it's all gone, then often I can think clearly enough to not get more on the way home. I hate this.

BUT, I don't want to die early. And I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life because I have a relationship primarily with alcohol. I want to have a full life, and I see absolutely that it's not possible with the way I am now. So that's more important than me having drinks with people at dinner.

Yesterday on the internet I was reading about the few drugs available to help alcoholics. The one I'm interested in is naltrexone, which helps reduce the cravings - and that is of course key for me. Doctors usually give it to patients for three months and see how it goes. You have to take the pills each day. If, when I take the pills in the morning, they will last ALL DAY, that will be good, since of course evening is my weak time. There's an injected form of naltrexone that seems to work better, but it hasn't been approved by the FDA yet. They were supposed to act by September 30, i.e. tomorrow, but instead have just now pushed it back to December 30. Anyway though, the naltrexone can't be prescribed until I get the liver test - hence me asking for it now. And also because I of course want to see if there has been any permanent damage, since I've been a heavy drinker for at least the past seven years.

So, now you all who read this blog know! And because I've told you all, and started making appointments, I feel that there is no complete turning back. And I'm happy about it, really I am. For the past month especially, I've been feeling less and less in control, and have been drinking more and more, and seeing friends less and less, and returning people's calls less and less. And feeling absolutely terrible a lot of the time. Except for when I was buying my bottle, and uncorking it and drinking it. Then I felt wonderful.

And that makes me so nervous, because I love that feeling. But I'm going to be strong, because I have to and don't have a choice anymore, or I'll be dying and all alone instead of living life as the joyful, svelte hottie that I should be!!!

I can't think of a good title today

I've been pretty melancholy today. I'm going to make a big change in my life and today I took a couple steps forward - by making a couple calls. I talked to one person for a long time, and tomorrow I'll hear back from her, and hopefully the other place as well, and can get a couple of appointments made. I also did a lot of reading up on the internet.

I know I'm being so cryptic, but I don't have the energy to get into it right now. It shouldn't be too hard to guess, though. It's something that I have to do, absolutely have to do. But it's not going to be easy, in so many ways. And I want to do it, but also don't want to do it.

I just finished watching first the Martha Stewart Apprentice and then Lost, which is just the best, even though we didn't get as many answers as I was hoping we would. And I'm downloading a bunch of music right now. I keep playing Sia - Breathe Me over and over and over again. The music fits my mood completely, and the words reflect pretty much what I'm feeling as well. As soon as I post this, I'm going to pick up my Tom Robbins book and get back to reading.

I bought two books at Borders today during lunch, and I'm so looking forward to reading both of them. So after Tom Robbins, I will read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, which will be particularly relevant to my life right now and hopefully give me some extra inspiration. And after that, Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho.

Little James is peaking around the corner, just staring at the sliding glass door. It was really windy right when I got home, and the wind knocked one the chairs on my balcony over on its back and made a really loud noise, and James was sitting very near the window when it happened. Poor little guy, he went racing into the bedroom and every once in awhile he comes and peaks out, or sits looking into the room, but all he'll do is stare at the door. He'll be better eventually, but I don't want to rush him either. I just pet him a bit here and there, but sometimes when I approach him he runs back into the bedroom. Emma is much braver right now, and usually she's the little scare-dy-cat!

On to today's Fat Project tally:

Wednesday, September 28

Ham sandwich for breakfast
Ham sandwich for lunch
Large latte
Ramen noodles for dinner
And I've been drinking lots of water - so peeing a lot as a result :)

I hereby declare: "You are a superhero!"

This is an article that I tore out of the Tribune a couple years ago, from the Q section (by Barbara Mahany):

In the category Never Underestimate the Powers of a Wand (Or a Cape, for That Matter) comes this magical tale, courtesy of Sandra Soss, proprietor of Sweet Pea, a North Side toy and book shop:

Not long ago, as Soss was winding down her day, in walked a yong man just itching to tell her what had unfolded in front of her store, at 3447 N. Southport Ave. [I don't know if this store is still up and running], a few mornings earlier.

He was strolling by when out the door bounded a young boy sporting a cape and a wand. When the man stopped to admire him, the boy looked up and asked whether the man would care to become a superhero.

"Why, yes," answered the man, "I've always wanted to be a superhero!" So the boy tapped him with the wand and pronounced, "You're a superhero!"

"Can I fly?" asked the man.

Disappointed, the boy sighed. "No, not that kind of superhero."

When the man wondered aloud just what kind of powers he now had, the boy answered: "Everything you enjoy doing, you can now do faster and better. And you will be braver and stronger."

"And," the boy added, clearly delivering the prize, "you can make other people superheros."

As the man finished his tale and turned to leave, he tossed Soss one parting thought: "By the way, you're a superhero."

Said Soss, "I've been feeling braver and stronger ever since."

New! - Q&A Tuesday

By reading KimmyK's blog, I found LizzieDaisy's blog - and she has this TMI Tuesday thing, which is very fun! So - here are the five questions and a bonus, along with my answers:

1. How many speeding tickets have you had? Accidents?

I haven't had a car for the past seven years, living in Chicago. But before that - a week after a got my license, I got my dad's car in a fender-bender. Because I was stupid and looking for a certain restaurant when coming to a stop light and the cars stopped in front of me. There appeared to be no damage to my dad's car, and the other car had just a little paint damage to the bumper. I was scared of my dad's anger, and my mom's as well, so I told the young guy (who was driving his mom's car) that I'd pay for whatever damage had occurred, and to just please not call the police.

His mom called a couple days later, and my mom handed me the phone very weirdly as it was a woman who asked for me, and used my real first name (which I use now) instead of a nickname (which everyone used then). She told me the estimate was around $350, and I met her at a nearby parking lot and gave her cash. A few days later, my dad called me out to the garage - he had noticed that on each side of his car, his bumper was pushed back a little so as to create a little bump on each side. I burst into tears and told my parents the whole story. They were mad that I didn't tell them, and also furious that this woman took advantage of me.

Besides that, I got one speeding ticket on my way to high school. Not to say I shouldn't have gotten more! Oh - and my high school boyfriend (the six-year guy) did get my Jeep into two accidents, because he was stupid.

2. Boxers, briefs or commando?

For me - thongs. And sometimes commando. Especially sometimes commando w/ regards to the bra. Except during certain times of the month when my boobs are sore, and then I wear the very tight pms bras that prevent any movement. What do I prefer in guys? I think those longer briefs are sexy as hell, but I don't know if I'd trust a guy who wore them regularly. I prefer boxers - says good things to me about the guy.

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?

Ummm, yes. And Florida - you are not allowed to tell!! :) Back when My Deputy used to work at my location, we would often go to the stairwell during work hours. And also, he would get off at 6:00 p.m., so many times I'd stay until then, he'd come up, and we'd go in my boss's office to fuck. And once, we went to another floor and fucked on a table in a side room.

4. Do you own a motorcycle? Do you ever ride one? Do you wear a helmet when you ride?

I've never ridden on a motorcycle. And they scare me, more so because of the other drivers who may be crazy and not see the motorcycle. I'd definitely wear a helmet if I was on one.

But, after hearing from The Meat that at 90 mph the vibration is perfect to make a girl very, very, very happy, I am slightly curious.

5. Ever been skinny dipping?

This is going to sound sad. Because I'd love to go skinny dipping on a regular basis.

I did it once in high school. And I have done it a couple times in hot tubs. And in Barcelona, I went topless into the Mediterranean - which felt AMAZING. I think I'd love to go to a nude beach, just so I could be in the ocean naked.

Bonus: Ever been arrested? Turned someone in/had someone arrested?

Nope. But I almost think my life would be more interesting if I had been arrested sometime. But I'd want it to be for something good, like protesting something terrible, as opposed to for something bad that I did. I almost wish that I had been arrested when I was younger - it would give me some good stories to tell, and would have been, I'm sure, an interesting experience.

Feel free to do it yourself!!! It's so fun to answer random questions!!! And also, helps others to get to know things about you!

Start getting hungry for lunch!

OMG, speaking of penis size (previous post), I just remembered! On Saturday, when I was watching one of the Cathouse episodes, during which they show various "classes" for the live-in women, the women started talking about penis size as it related to different positions - for example, some positions can be a bit painful when with a guy who has an enormous unit, but the same position would then be fabulous when with a guy with an average-sized unit. Someone asked the "teacher" what size she liked best, and she said it depended on her mood whether she wanted a small guy, average guy, or huge guy. One girl said "there is such a thing as too small" and was emphatic about it (with which I agree completely). The "teacher" disagreed and said that with small guys, you can do something that you can't do with average or large guys:

"You can put his dick and balls completely in your mouth and just jumble them all around."

Oh yum.

Smallest penises possible - I'm serious, it's scary!!!

Along with linking to KimmyK's blog in my last post, I can't help but link to this specific post of hers (which I first saw thanks to a link in New York Moments' blog). It's - what can I say? - just amazing and outrageous - in that men would come out to actually boast about this and show this to the world. To be straightforward (and just in case it won't load on your computer, even though it takes about 30 seconds or more on mine) - this video is a few snipets from the Howard Stern Show - of men who are apparently vying for the title of World's Smallest Penis. AND, these are not penises. They are enlarged clitorises. These men could not possibly have sex, I'm serious. Besides just laying on top of a girl and pressing in maybe TWO MILLIMETERS!!! And these guys are showing themselves off! It's outrageous to me what lengths (hahaha!) some people will go to in order to get their fifteen seconds of fame! But at the same time, I can understand why these guys would maybe have developed mental problems - lack of sex, lack of self confidence, and lack of hope.

My day, ginger tea horniness, The Meat, more of The Meat, and finally, travel!!!!

Today, I got up at 6:45, difficult because I just love sleeping. And I made it to work at 9:25 - yay me!!!! AND, that included making myself oatmeal for breakfast (which gave me a bit of ajeda (sp? It's Italian for "heartburn" and now I even think "ajeda" instead of "heartburn"), and I made myself a ham sandwich with mayonnaise for lunch, and took a little bag with a few almonds in it, and a yogurt which I didn't eat. I had breakfast at about 8:15. And then two cups of coffee at work. And at 11:30 I started feeling weak, like from either lack of food or from the caffeine on an empty stomach. I've had this before - when I start eating breakfast again, I get hungry really early and my body acts a bit weird. So anyway, I waited until 11:45 and then ate my sandwich. We had trial at 12:30, and I had three cups of ginger tea over the next three hours. But then, a little before 3:30, I started feeling really weak and almost ill - I really wondered for a couple minutes if I might throw up. I ate my almonds and also a pear that my boss brought me. And felt much better. Then when I got home a little after 7:00 p.m., I was again feeling quite weak. Not so much hungry - I never really felt hungry at all throughout the day. Just weak. (By the way, "hungry" looks sooooooo wrong to me, but I even checked it on dictionary.com. You know how sometimes a word can just look so almost alien? Today, "hungry" is that word. I still don't even trust dictionary.com, and I think I'm spelling it wrong!)

My boss was much better today. He and his wife will be going to their doctor on Wednesday, and then they'll decide when she will start the bio-chemotherapy. Right now, her having lung cancer as well as metastisized melanoma is not good. But, as I understand it, when a patient undergoes normal chemotherapy, they are administered one chemo agent. What she will be receiving is four chemo agents and two biological agents. She'll get it three times, once a month for three months, and will be in the hospital for a week each time, recovering, since it is so powerful and intense. It can possibly harm her liver or spleen, I guess. I asked my boss how she is, and he said she's just really scared. I can't even imagine. My prayers are with her. And I'm so glad that my boss is a little back to himself, even though he now, I'm sure, realizes how serious it is. Still, he uses a bit of denial as a "survival tactic", and I have to say that I don't blame him. I actually think that I might be like that as well if put in that situation, at least around most other people.

Now - to the Ginger Tea. (By the way, when I write that, I imagine some voice like Ed McMahon saying it, and at "ginger tea", there would be an echo!) I have a box of ginger tea sitting on my desk, but I haven't had it in awhile. Probably the last time was at another trial. So I know this will sound silly, but whenever I drink this stuff, at least when I'm also sitting in on a trial, I get a little type of high/somethingness - and that includes getting extremely horny! I know it sounds insane! And actually, even when I drink it every once in awhile just at my desk, I get the same feeling. I have no idea if there is any science behind this or if it's just somehow psychological/psychosomatic. I think that I actually can get that way when I drink other teas - like I know I feel somehow really relaxed and sexy and decadent and almost bad when I drink that Tazo Passion tea. So maybe it really is just psychological.

So, what else would I have to fantasize about besides The Meat? And fantasize I did! The first time the two of us went fishing in the afternoon, he was putting forth a situation to me and asking me what I would do. He said I was at home, and someone was breaking into my apartment. (This came about after we talked about how I don't like guns or violence, but how I would use whatever violence was necessary against an animal hurting James or Emma, to get the beast off my baby (however, I would try to just hurt it, but not kill it unless absolutely necessary) - and he kept escalating it - "now it's a pitbull and it's attached to one of your babies - do you shoot it?" or "what if your cat attacked the pitbull?" (I said I'd grab my baby and pull it off). "What if the pitbull then went after your cat after that?" I said I'd do whatever I had to do to get it off my baby, and then throw my baby in another room so it was just me and the pitbull). "And then what if the pitbull went after you, and was on your leg?" (I said I'd shoot it, but in a leg or something. I wouldn't want to kill it.) Anyway, he was challenging my views on violence and guns but most especially my statement that I would never myself kill an animal (yes, I eat animals. But I couldn't kill one myself. If it came to that, I'd be a vegetarian.)).

At some point I told him that I have a dagger in my bedroom (it's not very sharp at all, and my parents bought it for me when we were in Wyoming during high school). But I told him that I acknowledge I wouldn't be very good with it, since I wouldn't want to get close to someone with it or he'd just anticipate my movement, and I don't know how to throw it. (James Bond is my hero, and one of my kitten babies is even named after James Bond, so I feel like such a loser - he'd certainly know how to use a knife!) And I said I wouldn't have a gun in my room because I'd be afraid that someone I cared about would come in and I'd be in the middle of some awake-nightmare, and shoot them. Of course, no one now has a key to my place, but it's my nightmare.

Okay, but so back to my point. He was saying - what if someone broke in. And I said I'd be worried about the guy killing me. The Meat said we'd take that out of the equation. The guy is not going to kill me. I said I'd be worried about the guy hurting my babies. And The Meat took that out as well. So now it was just a guy breaking in, and wouldn't harm my babies or kill me. My answer: "then it would matter how hot he was, or how sexy."

See, ever since about seventh grade when I started reading romance novels, I get little tingles in my stomach and little tingles down below whenever imagining such a situation. Force turns me on. The idea of a guy pushing me roughly against a wall, grabbing my hair and jerking me head back, and kissing me so hard and so completely makes me instantly damp. And the idea of him holding my hands behind my back, or above my head, while he first roughly grabs my breasts, and then rips off my pants, makes me so wet. And the idea of him then grabbing me, pulling me, and then bending me over a couch arm while he takes me from behind - makes me almost come right now.

Hot Damn!!!

So yes, The Meat hit on a bit of a fantasy. And I thought about that for a good long time during trial. And then I was thinking about what sexy top I'd wear if I were to see The Meat socially outside of work. I had my top planned out - but tonight I bought an even better one! I was thinking about him grabbing me, about him grabbing my boobs, about him getting nasty with me. Let me tell you, for a long time, my pussy was throbbing.

My only thing - I'm regretting saying to him that it mattered how hot the guy was. Yes, in the ideal fantasy, it's a prince of a man, who is perfect in every way! BUT, it would more depend on the person, not just his looks. But on his aura - what emanates from him. The Meat, he is sexy as hell. He's not perfect looking even though he just emanates manliness. And he's not photogenic - I feel bad for him that way, because I don't want him to think that he looks like how he appears in pictures - he's five thousand times better looking in person, and also the amazingly sexy and manly quality about him can't possibly be captured in a picture.

After the trial was done for the day, and after my boss left, I fixed myself up a little since I knew I was going to shop a bit (so I wanted to not look gross when I tried things on) and then I went to the bathroom before I got ready to leave. As I came out, I saw The Meat down the hall and waved, and he told me to come down. We chatted first for a bit in the copy room, and then we went back to the office and he sat at The Italian Chef's desk while I stood in front of it. And we chatted for a long time. (I have a dirty secret to admit - I was leaning on the desk and hoping that my boobs were showing a tiny bit of cleavage in the opening of my button-down). At one point, we talked about his sons, and he said again how he doesn't worry about his youngest son because he's his own man and confident and has plans and will do well. His older son is 18 or 19 now, and he worries about him. The Older Son (OS) is a bit of a rebel, cares what others think of him, gets in trouble, etc, etc. I've met OS a couple times and he exudes sex appeal and has that edge and thing about him where you know he's a little more complicated, he thinks alot, and he could become great if discovered, or could go unnoticed. If I were OS's age, I would have the most serious thing for him. He is completely the type of guy I'm attracted to, even though my ideal would be someone like him - sexy, with an edge, a little bit dangerous, a little bit of a rebel, but also with some potential and real job/life, even if it's not the real him.

When talking to The Meat about OS, I have always been understanding, and telling him to have patience. And really, The Meat himself was such a bad boy, and didn't really settle down until around age 30. At age 27, he was surfing in California and earning a living selling art (i.e. creations of his friend and he that involved thrown-out crates into which they added little shelves and then little items). Also, even though I hardly know OS, I feel that I know him, or understand him. Because I'm like him in many ways. I'm not at all like The Meat's younger son. But also, I find OS much more interesting, because he's got a deepness to him, and thinks a lot we know, and because he's got an edge, he has potential, he's sensitive, but it's up for guessing as to what he will do and what will happen in his life. I love that. (By the way, so many of these things I've picked up, or have been told sort of by The Meat - since I've only met him a couple of times).

So, tonight, The Meat reiterated that he's not worried at all about his younger son. And that OS worries him a little, but not as much as he should be worried, because he was so much worse at OS's age. And he said that he knows OS has such potential, and he's just waiting for OS to maybe be discovered in some way. I told him I completely understood, and said many of the things I just wrote here, but in more depth.

Then, The Meat said something that I just love. He said I was a little like OS - because I have that "sort of pixie dust about [me], too", that different edge, that excitement and badness, a tiny bit of non-conformity, big dreams, lots of thinking, issues, issues, issues - all the stuff not in quotes is either what he's was sort of saying or what I think. Let me tell you, I adored him saying that. I adored it. Because it's completely how I feel.

Of course, I want to be in love and have joy and have babies in a couple of years and all that. But at the same time, the idea of the conformity and bullshit of grade school, and having to get along with all these parents, and feeling like I will lose all my dreams and never do what I dream of doing, or never even dream for myself anymore - this is the part that scares me. Even though I know in my brain that it doesn't have to be that way. And I was scared to get my baby kittens, because I was at the time (before my mom pointed out debt and finance reality to me) still hoping to go live abroad in the UK and get my LLM in Human Rights Law or Public International Law (because that stuff interests me, but mostly just so I could live in Europe). But, my babies have made my life so much more wonderful, and my love for them is endless, and they give me such joy! And I adjusted to it very easily. And I know that when I do have babies (actual babies as opposed to kitten babies), I will love being a mother. I just have these other worries, too.

Whew! I am exhausting myself!!! So anyway, I loved that The Meat recognizes this about me. I love it, love it, love it!! And I love being around him. I have scarily developed quite the crush. But at least it gives me the excitement to try to look good for someone each day, which I really need and enjoy. The Meat and I walked out together, and when I told him that I was going to shop for some clothes because there was a sale, he said, in his little mocking way, that I would have to get a smaller size since I'd be so much lighter by January (yes, reminding me of my bet with him - that by the middle of January I will weigh as much as I say I do on my driver's license). And THEN he said that I WILL NEVER WIN THAT BET! I called him an asswipe and punched him in the arm. And he said it again. Yes, I know I haven't lost anything yet. And I know that I haven't worked out yet. But I know that I have been slowly gaining weight over the past few years - like two or three or four pounds per year. I still look okay. Not great like I used to. But okay isn't good anymore. And the way I'm going, in a few years I'll be a fat-ass! So I have to start now!!!! And even though he was being an ass, I love him for it, because he renewed the competitive spirit within me. Of course, I've been very conscious of my new desired goal for the past week. And I've been slowly working on getting my eating in shape. Today was the first time I feel that I have some sort of schedule and plan and idea. Since I now have my breakfast covered, and am making lunch for myself. So, I just need to get to the gym. Tomorrow I am going to try to get my errands downtown done over lunch. So I can work out after work. But actually, I don't now see why I can't go work out during lunch tomorrow. I don't have anything else.

I still haven't gotten my Hitachi Magic Wand - yes, WDKY, I'm answering you :) - and damn it, I do keep meaning to go, but Saturday I had my lazy-do-not-exit-apartment day, and Sunday after I was free, it was raining, and tonight, I was just tired after shopping - it's draining trying things on and seeing all the things that don't look fabulous on you! So I was thinking that tomorrow night I could go get it. Until then, I'm still using my rabbit, which I LOVE! I just am looking forward to a different kind of sensation! I would love to work out tomorrow night. Also though, I didn't manage to get a single thing for work tonight - none of them were perfect, and I really want and need to get some nice black pants for work. I have one pair, but they need drycleaning right now and also have a little hole in the butt so I have to wear full-butted underwear which I hate and also I have very few pairs, so I keep to having to wash and/or rewear the damn the things. SO, when I do take the pants in, I will have to get them cleaned and also have the hole sewn up. But that was my normal digressing - I'm going to work out at lunch tomorrow - if I leave at 1:00 that will be good, since I'll have been able to finish anything for my boss and then I can have a good workout. And then after work I'll be okay to do my stuff!

Last night, I linked to KimmyK's blog and loved this ability to visually see where I've been! Link here to do it for yourself. Here's a map of the states that I've visited in the US (and I didn't count the ones that I just drove through, even though I did include some where I just visited a friend for a weekend and didn't really see the state). And it looks so sad, all those white states!

And here's a map of the world that shows the countries where I've been.

And it's so pathetic! Yes, I visited 9 countries in Europe. But I want to see the world and experience all these cultures!!!! I so badly want to visit Central America, and I so badly want to visit South America (especially Argentina, Chili and Peru), and I so badly want to visit Eastern Europe (from Romania to Latvia to Estonia), and I really want to visit Russia (St. Petersburg the most), and I want to visit Australia and also New Zealand, and eventually I'll want to visit the Asian countries, but not yet. Oh and I want to definitely eventually go to Africa, and go on safari, and visit South Africa, and I'll have to do more research to see where else in Africa I could go - it's such a huge continent! But also, I so badly want to revisit Europe, because I just love and adore Europe! I want to go all over France, from Paris (just magic) to Tours to Lyon to Nice. And I want to eat French bread, and try all kinds of wonderful and amazing cheeses, and drink wonderful wine. And I want to go back to Italy so badly, because I just ADORED Italy! I want to go back to Capri, and I want to go back to Venice, and I want to rent a car and drive all over Umbria and Tuscany. And I want to go all over Germany, since I'm over half German. And I need to go to Poland, since that's where most of my German ancesters came from in the mid to late 1800's (when it was still Germany, and we know my family is of Germanic decent because they were all Lutheran/Protestant as opposed to Catholic). And I also want to explore the UK more. Scotland and Ireland, but mostly Scotland. And Northern England. I was in London for four days, but it was at the end of my most amazing study abroad, and I didn't want to go home, and also going to London was such a bummer because they all spoke English and it was more like America than anywhere I'd been in Europe. So even though it was cool there, and I have always been so intrigued with English history, it was depressing for me because 1) I was going back home and to American culture and to law school, which I'd realized I didn't care about anymore, and 2) it was so much less exotic than the other countries in Europe where they spoke different languages and had such different and unique cultures and languages and foods and architecture. So, and I'm apologizing mostly to WDKY, and I know I'd love London much more if I visited it now, but there are so many other places I want to visit more that are more exotic. BUT I do have such a fascination with King Henry VIII, ever since my first book report about him in 5th grade - and I've read so many more books about him since!

These maps just remind me of the ENORMOUS world that I'd love to explore. I have no money to explore right now. And dammit, when I get a new job and get more money, I will be somewhat responsible and pay my debts, but I will also travel. Since it's my biggest DREAM - to explore, to experience, to learn. I want to experience things and experience life even if I don't have a partner. I should - I want to live and try all the amazing things, after all! If I had any money, I would have gone fun places every year over the past few years. I need a new job so I can do the things I really want to do. And also, I'm ready to move to a new place that may be substantially cheaper. And I'm just going to explore those areas in the city from now until next June! And that way, it will give me more money with which to travel!!!! (I feel like I should add a scary witch's laugh after that, along with a Mr. Burns-esk twinkling (what is the word I'm looking for?) of fingers!!!)

My Sunday, and The Fat Project Update

Happy Sunday! Okay, well I only accomplished a couple of the things that I meant to do today, but I'm proud of those and had more fun than I expected to anyway!

My alarm was set for 9:30 a.m. and I slept a little later, but still, I got up at 10:00 a.m. - yay me!!! And The German had called right before I finally got up - the phone was in the living room and my bed was so comfy, so I didn't bother answering even though I heard it ring. Anyway, he came over at noon (he brought six more porn tapes for me - as he converts the VHSs to DVDs, he brings me the old VHSs!) and we headed to Logan Square for brunch at Lula's. We took the Fullerton bus all the way out there, and I love seeing different areas of Chicago other than those I'm used to.

Once on the bus and once while we were waiting to be seated, The German asked me what was wrong - I was being a little pissy with him. Now, the main reason that he was annoying me a little was because of his German-ness: he's so damn direct and so bluntly opinionated and for an example, when we were talking about different areas of the city, he said that MWFB's area is "pffff, very boring, nothing to interest me" (said in his of course, German accent). I pointed out that there are lots of condo buildings around there and little bars and restaurants to which he responded, "you may like it, Tigress, but to me there is nothing there of interest, nothing at all." And he says it in such a poopoo kind of way that I feel like he's saying "it's okay if you like it, since you don't have as high standards as me, but my opinion of you is slightly lowered for not having my wonderful and high standards." I know he doesn't mean it like that, but he says it like that. And even though I have known him now for well over two years, I still don't like that German straight-forwardness. He doesn't have to be SO blunt and honest, and could instead, like Americans, just say something like "yes, it's okay and has gotten better; not my favorite place, but okay." Or SOMETHING so that he doesn't sound so damn harsh!!

Anyway, I pointed all that out to him the second time that he asked me what was wrong, while we were waiting. "Tigress, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you think! I'm just stating my opinion!" Me: "I hate that German aspect of you!" And then he pointed out that he's always like that and I don't get upset, and that he knows me well enough to know that something's wrong besides his German-ness. And that made me start to cry. Because he's right, I don't normally get so annoyed with his little things, and I'm taking out whatever is wrong on him by getting annoyed and being testy - and it made me also realize that he's like my family here in Chicago, because I wouldn't feel comfortable being like that around anyone else. I used to do that to my parents, and still do sometimes. And now I did it to him. So, I was teary for two reasons: 1) my realization that The German is my family and I'm so close to him, and he knew something was wrong because he knows me so well, and 2) I didn't even realize anything was wrong, but apparently my issues are still there, though under the surface rather than weeping out of me during mentral moodiness. And the fact that I started crying so quickly added credence to #2.

All was better after that, except my eyes were stinging a little for the next couple hours. But The German held me in a nice, strong hug while we waited to be seated. And then we had a wonderful brunch for the next hour. We split two of their specials, one was cornmeal pancakes with some wonderful compote and grape-like things on top, very yummy! And the other, my favorite one, was - oh shit, I can never remember this stupid name - it had a piece of bread on the bottom, and then some thinly shaved canadian bacon stuff, and then two eggs over easy over that, and some very thinly sliced and I think a bit cooked pickles, and then some cream sauce on top. Oh yum!!! I'm not that big of a sweet fan (the pancakes), but I love eggs and especially this with meat and cream and all that!!! Soooo good!

After we finished, we walked arm in arm, using our umbrellas, to Fullerton to re-catch the bus. Oh - so cutesy - I had on a red shirt, and he had on a navy shirt. When he first came to my house, I picked up my red umbrella and he had his navy one - so we decided to switch cause otherwise it would look too silly with each of us matching our umbrellas. But if I had seen anyone on the street while we were walking after brunch with our opposite-matching umbrellas up, I would have had them take our picture! We took the bus to Lincoln & Halsted, and then walked to a nearby consignment shop to look around. There were a lot of really nice clothes there! Just none in my size, so I figured it had been picked over during the weekend. I'm going to have to check that place out again! He walked me back to my apartment and came up for a few minutes, and brushed James and gave him his rough time of love.

After he left, I went to the store next door and got a toilet brush (I kept forgetting to get one since I moved!) and also some draino for my severely clogged bathtub. So when I got back, I first went to work on my kitchen and threw away everything on the counter and loaded all the millions of items in the dishwasher, and cleaned and scrubbed everywhere. And then I moved my bathroom and cleaned the toilet, the sink, the mirror, poured draino in the tub and came back out to straighten my living room, and after a long time, returned to find the tub mostly unclogged - yay!!!!!!!! So I then fully scrubbed the tub to get all the gross shit out of it. And so now, my place is so pretty, and looks lovely!!

I meant to do laundry too, but that's not going to happen tonight. However, I'm going to go right after I finish typing this and wash a pair of work pants in the sink so I can wear them tomorrow. They smell, and I have no others to wear.

Let's see, what else? I watched BBC World News while going through a couple of catalogs so I could throw them out afterward. And now I'm also waiting for Desperate Housewives to start in 45 minutes. And after that is Grey's Anatomy, with the very yummy Patrick Dempsey!!!!


The Fat Project update:

Wednesday, September 21

1 cup coffee w/ creamer
About 15 Ritz crackers
Half a nectarine
2/3 package of Carr's crackers
5/6ths of a Brie wedge
1 + bottle of Pinot Grigio

Thursday, September 22

Final 1/6th of Brie wedge
About 12 Carr's crackers
1 bag of microwave popcorn - cheese flavored
3 glasses chardonnay (at charity event), 1 glass pinot grigio (at restaurant afterward), 1 glass pinot grigio (at home at end of night)
About 10 tiny appetizers at charity event

Friday, September 23

1 yogurt
5 Ritz crackers
1 cup of leftover pad see eiw with beef
At dinner: 4 glasses frozen margaritas, amazing baked cheese on tortilla, a bunch of tortilla chips, 1 1/2 carne asada enchiladas and a bit of the refried beans
2 glasses merlot

Saturday, September 24

2 1/2 carne asada enchiladas plus leftover refried beans
Spinach artichoke parmisan dip with some tortilla chips
A few mozarella sticks
1 bottle merlot

Sunday, September 25

2 cups coffee w/ cream
1 1/2 pancakes w/ compote and syrup
1 breakfast thing - half slice of bread, 1 egg, sliced pickles, and yummy cream
1/2 slice of cheesecake
1 bottle pinot grigio
Hmmm, and I might have to have a bit of a snack later

Oh - one other good thing: for tomorrow morning I have instant oatmeal to eat, and today I got bread, thinly sliced ham and thinly sliced roast beef, so I'll make myself a healthy sandwiches for lunch from now on! And also, I'll put some frozen broccoli in a tupperware and cook that up as well for lunch! Yay! And tomorrow I don't think I have anything after work, so I'll be going to the gym! Or, if my boss doesn't come in, I'll go during lunch. I'm going to get in shape, and I'm doing a good job of starting!!! I just need to work on the alcohol....

My lazy day, bad news, and venting about TSIL

I have, once again, had a completely unproductive Saturday during which I did absolutely nothing! I slept in quite nicely, until around 1:00 in the afternoon. I know, I'm so lazy, and my laziness sometimes really pisses me off! I woke up at 8:30, thanks to little James pawing at my nose and walking back and forth over my back while meowing loudly - he LOVES getting fed! After I fed them, both James and Emma came back up on the bed with me and I was petting them and rubbing their little cheeks, and considered getting up right then, since I felt quite awake and also not hung over at all from the margaritas. But I decided that I really needed my sleep. And sleep I did.

When I finally got up, I moved my lazy ass to the couch. I couldn't use my computer because it was on the fritz again and not using power other than to charge the battery, but it wasn't doing that either. So I spent three hours watching episodes of Cathouse on HBO On Demand. I recorded my favorite one. And rabbitted a couple times. (I was planning to go get the Hitachi Magic Wand today, but as I was so lazy, I'll wait until tomorrow, and I can't wait to try it out!) After that I decided I needed a change, so I watched The Dreamers, again on HBO On Demand. I remember this movie being at Landmark a year or so ago, and I knew that it had a lot of sex in it, and was based in Paris. However, it was mostly very disturbing and weird. I usually like arthouse-type films, but the relationship between brother and sister in this movie was just wrong, and even the atmosphere of these three people living in the same house and hardly ever leaving, and just drinking all the time and not even having food to eat, was depressing. There was a lot of sex and lots of nudity - full nudity - mostly of the girl, Eva Green, who has an absolutely amazing body. But there was also plenty of nudity with regard to the two guys, and quite a few views of cock. Normally, I'd like all the sex and all the nudity. But the movie was just so weird and disturbing, and I couldn't understand why the third guy would realistically want to stay with this brother and sister, and I found myself waiting for it to be over, and that was only at a quarter-way through! I did watch the whole thing though, just because I can't not finish a movie. I was happy when it was over.

On a completely different note, yesterday at work my boss got really bad news about his wife, and I saw him flustered for the very first time ever about her, which was really scary. His wife has had melanoma for years; it's probably been at least five years since she had her first cancerous mole removed. And for the past three years since I've worked there, she has had cancerous moles removed almost monthly from one calf, which is where the cancer was seeming to stay. She has had three procedures over the past three years, always focusing just on the leg. The most recent one was just a month ago, and she's still recovering from it. For the past couple years, she has also had monthly PET scans, to ensure that the cancer hasn't metastisized (sp?) into other organs. A month ago, the scan showed two dark areas in her lungs. And she got the results of a CAT scan back on Friday - the two spots have both grown, making it almost certain that the cancer has metastisized and is now in her lungs. My boss has been in denial about the seriousness and severity of her cancer since I first met him. On Friday, when he came in to tell The Meat and I what they found out, he was so flustered. He couldn't even remember whether he shut his office door, and said "I'm just not thinking very clearly right now." He left two seconds later. I feel so awful for him and for his wife. They will be going to a doctor sometime next week, as soon as she can get in. They've seen that doctor before and discussed doing an experimental treatment called Bio-Chemotherapy. I don't know whether the treatment will have to be altered to deal with the lung cancer specifically. I am going to be so good from now on and get to work by 9:30 every day, because my boss needs all the help and support and lack of stress as possible now. I have just never seen him flustered like that. His wife is only 52, and she will probably not live too many more years, all because of melanoma, which I'd always heard was one of the worst cancers, but never realized why.

I have to worry, too, because I have really light skin, strawberry blond hair, and light green eyes - a perfect candidate for skin cancer. My mom had a melanoma removed from her forearm a year ago. I always wear high spf lotion now, and even my daily face lotion has spf 30 in it, but I have had a number of bad burns when I was younger. Not tons, but some. After what has happened to my boss's wife, it really scares me. She's so young, and won't live a full life, which is so unfair. I don't want that to happen to me!

Jumping around again - my brother and TSIL are moving to Atlanta. They'd been thinking of moving there, and my brother flew down a couple weeks ago and had a couple interviews there. He got an offer that he likes, and he's starting there October 12. The Bitch/TSIL is going to move laterally from her current hotel to the hotel in Atlanta. So this Monday through Wednesday, Little Brother is driving down there to find an apartment for them. He only wants to rent for six months and then plans on buying a place. He's been obsessed with buying a a house since he was about five years old. So he'll be happy.

I'm torn about him moving there. On the one hand, I will get to go visit him there, and I'd love to see and explore Atlanta. But also, Atlanta is so much further away than Indianapolis, and now when he and The Bitch come to visit, it will either be by flying or by driving a long way, and so he'll have more excuses to not visit for just a weekend.

Now, to The Bitch/TSIL. My mom emailed me last weekend and said that TSIL was still bringing up to my brother how I changed out of my dress early, and how she never told me I could change or take my hair down. She is such a fucking cunt. It's been over six weeks since their wedding and she's still fucking pissed off about that! She needs to get a fucking life. Anyway, my mom told me that she keeps putting my brother in the middle because he's getting the brunt of it, since he obviously lives with her. And my mom wants me to just apologize to my brother for not waiting for him to ask TSIL before I changed, and she said to also apologize to TSIL if it really comes down to it. I will apologize to my brother, but only after pointing out first why I changed, and second how The Bitch acted towards me the whole day, not to mention the whole weekend. I will not apologize to her. Not unless I can point out her every single bitchy behavior of that weekend to her first.

Also, she has told my brother that the only thing I did the entire day of the wedding was complain about my hair. That is such complete fucking bullshit. She never even spoke to me once, so I don't know how she'd know anyway. But I didn't. No, I didn't like my hair. And I know I said to a couple bridesmaids a couple times that I couldn't wait to take it out. But we were all together from 8:30 a.m. until the wedding at 3:30 p.m. So me making maybe four comments does not add up to me "complaining the whole day." I tried laughing with the other bridesmaids, I talked with them, I took pictures of everyone, I exclaimed over TSIL's hair and dress and everything, I talked to the photographer about photography, and during the hour at lunch I laughed at all the funny stories and only was pissed at TSIL since she hadn't made eye contact with me all day and was purposefully being a little spoiled cunt-bitch. So the fact that she's LYING about me to my brother, and continuously bringing up me changing, makes me first of all want to smack the little whore, and second, makes me really believe that she's trying to turn my brother against me.

Which won't happen, but she's setting the stage for not hanging out with my family as much. It's no secret, based on her behavior and things she said to family members while wasted at her rehearsal dinner, that she doesn't like my mom at all. And she doesn't like me either, since I don't fawn all over her. And even though I don't want my brother to be hurt, I hope they get a divorce within three years. The sooner the better. She's such a bitch anyway. And EVERYONE sees it except for her family and my brother!!! All my brother's friends think she's extreme high maintenance and a complete bitch. Everyone on my brother's side at the wedding who met her for the first time at the wedding, or even met her a few times before, all know that she's a bitch. My brother is THE ONE AND ONLY who doesn't see this. And I wouldn't be surprised if she cheated on him eventually. One of my brother's fraternity brothers lives in Atlanta, and my brother has even said that he worried about this guy and TSIL at certain points. And when I visited my brother at college and saw TSIL with this guy, I firmly believed that she had a thing for him. Also of note - her mother, who she adores, cheated on TSIL's biological father with her now stepfather, and I believe she divorced him while pregnant with TSIL. And then her mom turned TSIL completely against her biological father.

My brother emailed me this week to tell me about his move. I'm going to call him on Monday when he's on his way to Atlanta, and without The Bitch, and I'll talk to him about everything then, including finally addressing her nagging of him about me changing. I won't let him know that I hate her, but I will tell him about her behavior, even though he makes excuses for every single time that she's a bitch - which is pretty much all the time. She's a fucking cunt whore asswipe fucking spoiled little bitch! And even that isn't strong enough language!!!!! I need some more really terrible words, but none are coming to mind.

Plans for tomorrow: get my Hitachi Magic Wand, do some laundry, clean my kitchen, maybe go for a walk along the lake, and finish an opinion. I won't sleep in until 1:00 tomorrow afternoon. Instead, I'll set my alarm for 9:30 a.m.!

My wonderful Friday night!! And a couple other drunken thoughts!

I had the best, best, best time tonight! Just a happy, fun, wonderful time! And it was The Italian Chef, Asparagus, Florida and I going to dinner! I just love hanging out with them and all of us being together - we have so many laughs and so many stories and so many things and more laughs and it's just wonderful!!! We went to a Mexican restaurant near where The Italian Chef (TIC) lives. And TIC, Florida and I shared two pitchers of margaritas, so we were quite happy by the end of the night! (And I am still a bit drunk!) And the food was all so wonderful! But the best of all was just being with them and having fun.

TIC and I left work at 4:00 so we could get to Northwestern Hospital for TIC's doctor appointment. When we were on the bus going there, TIC told me that, to keep the peace in her house, she had decided to let her husband have sex with her so he wouldn't be so ornery (sp?). It doesn't sound funny as I write it, but it's absolutely hilarious when she says these things, and talks about him and sex. He's 68, and she's always complaining about how a man of his age shouldn't want sex so much. She's very Italian and so she can get hot tempered, and I think he likes it! It's a kind of foreplay for him! And the way she puts it, how she will put up with having sex with him, is that she "can take two minutes to keep the peace..." And by two minutes - yes, that's all the time he takes. Every time. And what's funny is that she would be happy with even less, but after every single time, he gives a sigh/moan, and then an excuse as to why he came so fast. Every single time!!! And she wants to laugh and at the same time tell him that she'd be happy if he lasted one second. It's just so funny to hear these things! The stories about him just crack me up! Also, they just started sleeping in the same bed again now that they had their upstairs turned into rooms, and TIC told her husband that he couldn't come home tired and fall asleep in his clothes; instead, he had to change and wear pajamas. This is so cute: he got a pair of blue cotton pj's, with the shirt and pants, only they didn't fit him because he's so short and small. So, he actually took them to a tailor and got them altered!!! How funny is that! He had the pants shortened and the sleeves on the shirt shortened! It's so so so cute!!! Just to please TIC! And I get a smile on my face whenever I picture him coming out of a little tiny dressing area in his pj's and standing there to have them altered!!! It's hilarious!!! And in the cutest way!!!!

So anyway, after TIC's doctor appointment, we took the bus to her house and hung out for a couple hours until Florida and Asparagus got there. There was lots of Italian-style yelling at her house today! It's always fun and always amusing. And I also always love being there - because I just love the constant flow of people and drama! Florida and Asparagus got there at about 7:30, and soon after we left for the restaurant.

And it's one of those many nights with all of them where I won't remember specific details or exactly what we talked about, but I will always remember where we sat, what we ate, and how much fun we had during the whole night! And I'll remember how I told Asparagus about the trials involving steel companies, and how horny they get me - because the following words/phrases are used constantly: erection, erecting, members, and steel members. And I know there are two more terms, because I have kept a list at one point, but I can't remember the others right now! But it's fair to say that during those trials, at some points, I am not paying any attention to the actual testimony and am instead paying attention to the many fantasties and dreams and sexual situations floating through my head!!!

Back to tonight - I love these guys. I really do. And part of me feels and knows that I will be always be in contact with them and close to them, and part of me is scared because I know things change, and I know Florida and Asparagus are planning on having a baby and moving to the suburbs and it really scares me that I'll never see them then and will lose contact. And they're so fun and cool that I don't want that to happen. But I'm really bad about calling people, so I worry.

I had a sex dream about The Meat last night. It was a little disturbing, although hot. The dream was, as most dreams are, running all over the place. Mostly, it was a reception for my brother and TSIL, but before they were married, so that it was a full reception, but also then a bachelor/bachelorette party afterward. That part of the dream lasted for forever. And then, everyone was leaving, and I was planning on going up to my room. But then The Meat appeared and said, "we're going out somewhere, right?" And I said, "of course!" So we went with a bunch of guys from the party (no one I knew, just random faces in my dream) and we were all standing on some L train while it went, and no one was really talking. The Meat was standing behind me, and he would grab my waist or thigh every now and then. And then suddenly, he lifted the back of my skirt (yes, I was wearing a skirt in my dream, which is unlike me usually) and he slid his dick in me from behind. And it felt so good! But at the same time, I saw the guys around us looking at it and knew that it was completely obvious. So I pulled away and turned to him and told him he had to wait and pushed him back in his pants. Then we got of the L and somehow we then got back to my room. It wasn't my apartment but more just my bedroom, but just bigger and different. So we fell on the bed, and he said I was going to be happy this time (because apparently, there was another time when I had serviced him quite nicely). He had on just his pants and a t-shirt, and he took off the t-shirt. And we kissed. And then he was working on my pussy. And then somehow, dreamlike, we were on another bed and I got up to go there to him. I was wondering about a necklace he had around his neck. I had only glimsed it, but it was on a thin gold chain and looked almost like one of those Jewish stars, but at the same time I knew it wasn't that, which was why I wanted to get a new and good look at it. But I never did. I don't remember much after this, although I remember him entering me once from on top, and once from behind. But no other details. Like I said, disturbing, but also hot and arousing. But I don't want to be having dreams like this, because I like having a little crush from afar, but absolutely nothing further.

Speaking of hot and arousing, I have been and still am completely infactuated with Gael Garcia Bernal. The amazing actor in Y Tu Mama Tambien and Motorcycle Diaries, among others. He is first of all, outrageously hot. And he has the dark skin and dark hair that always attracts me, as well as an accent that attracts me and the fact that he grew up in a different country and culture. And also, he is smart and so so so talented, and chooses the most interesting and challenging roles. I just adore this man!

I want to get the DVD of Y Tu Mama Tambien. I love that movie. I saw it in the theater and left feeling that my eyes had been opened and my life changed in some way. The dialog is fabulous, the cinematography is fabulous, and the sexual energy is amazing. All three main actors are just perfect, and their journey and learning experience is amazing. And of course, Gael Garcia is just amazing, and perfect, and sexy as hell, and a dream fuck! Yummy, yummy, yummy!!!!

And I also want to get the DVD of Motorcycle Diaries, which is also a wonderful movie, and so interesting since it's based on the diary of Che Guevara. I bought the book of his diary translated into English soon after the movie came out, but it's still on my shelf here, waiting to be read. I just started a new book, so I think I'll put it as next on the list!

I'm going to fall asleep any time now - I'm both drunk and tired. Tonight was so wonderful and I love nights like this when I hang out with my friends and am just so so so happy!!!!

Fishing, dinner, and the blues

First, for an update on The Fat Project:

Monday, September 19

5 crackers
2 cups coffee w/ creamer
medium bowl chicken noodle soup
large slice of banana bread
bowl of cheerios, dry
6 triscuts

Tuesday, September 20

2 cups coffee w/ creamer
1 yogurt
A few scoops of beer cheese w/ tortilla chips
Trout w/ an amazing ginger, garlic & soy sauce
A couple asparaguses (is that the correct plural? Somehow I don't think so.)
2 small glasses Riesling

So far today, Wednesday, September 21

1 cup coffee w/ creamer
About 15 Ritz crackers
Half a nectarine

And I’m going to leave early, like at 4:15, to go straight to the gym and be home in time to watch my shows!! Yay!!!

I’ve had such fun the past couple days! Yesterday, I went fishing again with The Meat, and this time The Queen came along. I definitely like being with The Meat more. He’s more serious and real about things, but also funny in his way. The Queen is just too flippant about things. Also, The Queen violently and maliciously killed a poor Goby. He knew how I felt about killing innocent fish, but he feels soooooo (that is me being sarcastic) strongly about these Gobies destroying Lake Michigan. I was sitting between him and The Meat when The Queen caught that first fish, and I ordered him to throw it back in, and it looked like he was going to, but instead he threw it as hard as he could on the cement by our feet so that it died.

I was so absolutely appalled. Seriously. And The Queen just left him there. I jumped up and ran to the other side of The Meat and told The Queen how terrible he was, and how shocked I was that he did that. And that I wasn’t going to talk to him for the rest of the day (yes, I know, sometimes I act like I’m in third grade, but I couldn’t think of any other threat – he’s my boss, so there are only so many things I could do!). I stayed on the other side of The Meat, and was pretty pouty – I just took pictures and didn’t talk much. But part of me wanted to cry! It was so evil of him, and that poor, innocent little fish was killed just because The Queen didn’t like his species! The Meat was nice and picked up the dead little body and threw him in the grass as least. And when The Meat next caught a Goby, he threw it back in. And when I caught a Goby, The Meat threw it in for me. He’s much nicer, and cares about my feelings!

The Queen later tried to make nice, and threw back in a Goby he caught, and tried to justify himself by saying that he killed the Goby as humanely as was possible, as opposed to letting it suffocate or be eaten alive by seagulls. Well yes, it was nicer. But it didn’t need to die at all!!!! Oh I was mad. And I’m still appalled by that side of him. The next time we fish, I want it to just be The Meat and me again!

And speaking of The Meat. He is just sexy. He is, even though he’s sixty. And yesterday as we were on our way out to fish, but waiting for The Queen, he told me that if he were younger, he would take me for a ride on his motorcycle, up to some secluded beach on the North Side, and he would get us going really fast, close to 100 mph, and by the time we got to the beach, I’d be ready for anything, begging for it in fact. As he said, he knows from experience. He said that 90 mph was ideal, when the vibration of the engine, through the seat, is just about perfect, and I wouldn’t be paying attention to much of anything at that point. I seriously got wet just thinking about it!

After returning from our fishing expedition, I freshened up and met a friend of The German and I, who is in from Wisconsin for computer training for her new job. We headed to the blue line and met The German in Logan Square, which I am liking more and more, at least the central part that I’ve seen. The restaurant we planned on going to was closed, unfortunately, on Tuesdays, so we walked around the corner and went to Dunlay’s, which had really good food! And we sat outside in the perfect, perfect weather! Also, The German was treating, which is why I could afford to go!

The Bean at night

When we finished eating and finished our bottle of wine, and had relaxed a little, we took the blue line back downtown and walked to Millennium Park to see it in the dark. It was very cool! I took a bunch of pictures of The Bean, and more pictures of the performance area all lit up in first blue, and then red. Then we walked along Michigan Avenue and across the bridge so I could get some pictures of the gorgeous city lights on the river. I love that view! And then, I got on a bus while The German walked our friend back to her hotel. It was a very fun night, even though I was very tired by the end and a little crabby at The German when he was being annoying!

And I was very good, too. It was after 10 pm when I got on the bus, and I was so tired. But also having my familiar little craving for a drink or two, or three. A battle raged in my head, but I won out, deciding that I was way too tired for anything, and also that it would be after 10:30 by the time I got home, and if I drank a whole bottle (which is impossible for me not to do), then I would be very late to work today. So I instead read for a little before almost falling asleep on the couch, and then headed to bed.

Today was a very light day at work, which was nice. And nicer still, because this afternoon The Meat, Blues Daughter, and I took a little “field trip” north a bit to a jazz records store that sells all these old records, as well as CDs, of jazz and blues artists from all time. It was very cool! The Meat and I looked for The Siegel-Schwall Band records and CDs, and Blues Daughter bought ALL the CDs of her father, a famous old Chicago blues singer (who has been long dead, unfortunately). It was a fun little trip! And The Meat loves stuff like that, and being able to tell stories of when he saw so-and-so, and being able to point out all these great singers and great songs.

Tomorrow night is the IWS Wine Party. It doesn’t start until 6:30, so I probably won’t get there until 5:00. And I still don’t know if I’ll have to be introducing our new Executive Director on a microphone and if so, what my little written-out introduction will be. I’ll definitely be nervous going there tomorrow, and if I find out that I do have to speak on the microphone, I’ll be so nervous until it’s over. And then just feel sure that I sounded stupid afterward. I’m going to be doing check-in with another girl, so for at least the first hour, and probably longer than that, I’ll be manning the table there. And I think after that I’ll have to walk around and try to sell our raffle corks. And I’ll also be ready with my camera, since I’m the photographer.

I don’t have any friends going, unlike last year when The German and The Bold One were there to support me. I’m not always comfortable around these people, although I am acquainted with a few of the sustaining members, and a couple of the members I feel more comfortable with, enough to hang out with them for a bit. And a couple of the husbands as well. Still, I will definitely not feel like I’m in my element, and have no one to save me. I will honestly be really happy when I can leave to go home tomorrow night. That’s so bad of me, since this should be fun, and since I also want us to raise a lot of money, to relieve some of the stress of having to raise that much more during the rest of the fiscal year. I really wish I had never accepted the president position.

So tonight – Lost is on! Yay! And also, the first hour of Lost, from 7-8, looks like just a review of all the characters and the island, so I think I’m going to record that and watch the Martha Stewart Apprentice. I love the original Apprentice! I love seeing the tasks they get and how they perform and what ideas they come up with, and I love seeing the interpersonal relations, and I’m often amazed at the same time by the stupidity of these supposedly smart, successful people. So I’m curious to see how Martha’s show is. Even though I know I shouldn’t watch it, because I know I’ll get hooked, and I don’t like being hooked on too many shows. I know I sound like such a loser, being so excited about stupid TV shows :)

I tried to see The Cute Guy today, but he was gone by the time I got back from the record store, and he did have to come back in briefly to drop something off, but I only saw his back as he was leaving. Damn! The Clerk who knows him well is definitely going to have to talk me up and introduce me to him, because he’s not easy to catch alone (usually when he’s here, there are 50 other people in the room along with him, all sitting quietly, so not very easy for me to walk up and introduce myself!)

I want to start dating again a little. I have signed back up for Match, and I’ve filled out part of the stuff, but I still haven’t written my little profile thing or updated the pictures. I think tonight, before my shows all come on, that will be my fun assignment. That way I'll at least talk online to some (hopefully) interesting people, and maybe meet a couple of them out. And it will be exciting, too!!!

I typed this into Word today to make sure I didn’t lose it all, so I’m going to paste it and add some fun pictures!

The Fat Project is soooooo back in business!!!

Today I restarted The Fat Project!!! And I'm determined, and so excited about getting back in shape!!! It really started because The Meat looked at my driver's license on Friday, the one that I got just a month and a half ago. When he had seen it originally, he was reading off all my information, and when he got to the weight I'd listed, he looked up at me with his look, so I exclaimed "It's what I'm GOING TO WEIGH when I get back in shape!"

So on Friday, he did the same thing, and when I told him that I would be that weight eventually, he started laughing and said no way. Now, it's not THAT off! I mean, 20 pounds, but that's not a lot! And it's the weight that I should be, and I could stand to be a little lighter even. SO, I like a challenge, and this was rising to a challenge. I told him to give me five months - that by the end of January I'll be down to that weight. I love a challenge and need it to inspire me!!

So today, I am beginning my slight changes, etc. For food today, I had 5 crackers in the morning, with a cup of coffee; a medium bowl of mostly chicken broth for a late lunch; and a piece of banana bread with a bit of frosting on it that my boss gave me (not the best thing, but free). And I have in front of me a full glass of water - I'm determined to drink 2 full glasses before I have any dinner - which will be a thing of Ramen noodles (I'm poor, and I have them here - it's expensive buying vegetables and chicken!) and some broccoli from the frozen bag in the freezer.

And tomorrow, I'm going to work out during lunch! I haven't been to the gym in about 6 weeks, since a little before my brother's wedding. So I'm starting again. Three times a week - I'm not going to try to go crazy, but I will try to get at least three workouts in during a week. And I want to figure out some healthy things to eat during the day - like yogurt for breakfast, and maybe some little ham sandwich for lunch with some vegetable to go along with it. I'll have to think about that part more - I need something that's easy and also relatively cheap. I'm going to ask Asparagus for advice - he's the health expert! So Asparagus, start thinking about my program - should I do both cardio and weight machines? More of one than the other? Both every time I work out? When on the weight machines, should I do heavy weights so it completely tires my muscles or a little lighter and more reps?

Anyway, I'm so super excited now!!!! I have a plan, and I will start towards improving myself again! I'm also going to work really hard at not drinking during the week. And to cut down a lot overall. I want to be svelte and proud of myself again, and not wanting to hide in my clothes. And it's time! Tivo mentioned today that she wants to be in better shape by the time she turns 30 at the end of December. By the time I turn 30, I also want to be able to say that I'm in the best shape I've been in years, which won't be too hard. But I'm not going to wait until next July for my deadline - January, that's what I'm going to work for. I'm going to meet The Meat's challenge!!!! Yay!!!!

Also, on a complete change of subject, I saw a REALLY CUTE GUY TODAY at work!!! He looked at me a couple times too, as I was slyly checking him out, and of course doing my best to send hot and sexy vibes his way :) And one of the clerks knows him a bit because he's always over by her boss on cases. She reported that he's single and really nice! And also, that he was born in Italy - holy shit, for all who know me, those are MAGIC WORDS - coming from another country, especially a European country!!! He must have lived here most of his life, because she said only every once in awhile does he have a tiny bit of an accent. But I think his mother lives in Italy right now. I told her that next time he's in, she's supposed to tell him how wonderful I am, and I'm going to keep my eye out now by her so I can maybe be really bold and introduce myself if I see him!!! :)

And on a slightly different note, do you all remember hearing when we were young about how a man reaches his sexual peek when he's 18 and a woman when she's 30? Well, I don't buy it either. BUT, I was talking to The Italian Chef about it this morning because, and I hate even saying that I'm nearing age 30 (because I'm shocked to see that it's very true - where did all those years disappear to?), but I am thinking about and obsessed with sex more and more all the time now-a-days. I threw in some Rocco as soon as I got home today. And I have read in New York Moments' blog and also I believe in I am, therefore I date's blog, very high reviews of the Hitachi Magic Wand. I'm going to invest in a new toy for myself!!! After Friday, when I get paid, that is! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!

Amazingly hot sex action!

I just finished watching In the Cut awhile ago. It wasn't the most fabulous movie that I've ever seen, but the cinematography was pretty cool. And most of all, the sex scenes and sexual tension were fucking amazing!!! I am now semi in love with Mark Ruffalo! After the first sex scene between Meg Ryan and Mark sex god Ruffalo, I almost paused the movie to get some Rabbit action. Almost. But I wanted to see more sex action between them. The sex and sexual tension in this movie was so fabulous that I can't even begin to explain! There was even a peek at Mark Ruffalo's cock! Oh my GOD! The whole thing made me so hot!!! And I want to be fucked now, so so so so bad!!!!