Random stuff

I've run out of time again to write much. Ugh, I need to leave work earlier so I can get home earlier and have time to back up all my files before my computer dies, and have time to write a proper post - I want to write about my wonderful and amazing talk with my dad, about my talk with my grandpa, about how good my grandma's mental health and balance is since she started doing simple exercises a month ago and how she seems suddenly ten years younger. And I want to set aside an hour each night to spend on going through my html and css books and exercises. And I want to make decisions on presents for Christmas and get some of them ordered. And my place needs to be cleaned again, and my laundry needs to be done. And I wanted to do some free association and brainstorming tonight on any and all possible jobs/careers that may even slightly interest me, and then start making lists of things I like and don't like and need and don't need etc. regarding my future right now unknown career.

And I know I need to chill the fuck out with the stressing over all these undone things because it's not as if any of this stuff I've listed has a deadline! But I'm still feeling slightly overwhelmed just because I'm getting none of it done so I'm frustrated by my lack of control and self-control. I wish I had a weekend day right now so I could have a whole day to do all the things I want to do and feel more in control of everything. But I don't yet, so I'm going to relax and take a deep breath and remind myself that life is too short to stress about ridiculous things. In...and out...in...out...and I'm taking a page from DailyOM right now and visualizing a light all around me shining in rays, and I'm visualizing my little stresses floating away from me like little clouds of smoke, and already I feel lighter! (I went a little further in my visualization but you get the point - and no I'm not some kind of wackjob because these things really do work!) I honestly feel a little lighter now, although I'm going to keep going back to the visualization while I get ready for bed and before I fall asleep as well, cause I'm still feeling that lack of control stress trying to get back in my mind.

And now, for something much more fun!! Can I tell you how much I LOVE this picture!!! I've seen it a few times and every time it cracks me up even more - the dog looks soooooooo silly and funny in that little basket and just seeing it's expression in looking at the cat curled up in the nice big bed is one of the funniest things I've ever seen - it keeps making me laugh every single time I even think of it, and not just laugh, but I feel a kind of tickle from deep in my belly at the hilarity of it - I could so easily cry laughing over this picture!!! :) I LOVE it!!! I can't think of another thing right now that will keep making me laugh this way over and over and over again!


It's midnight now and well past my bedtime - I was feeling so tired all day and wanted to get to bed early but getting to bed early is so hard for me to do. This is another reason why I need the weekend to come: to be able to sleep in one morning! Oh but so I know I wanted to address a few more random things: 1) I have heard so many good things about the new James Bond film and I so want to go see it! I own every Bond film, a soundtrack with all the main songs, a Bond book, and my own sweet James is named after James Bond because James is a tuxedo cat and as we all know, James Bond wears a tuxedo so often - so you see, I really need to see this movie! Plus, it sounds so so so much better than all the recent films which so excites me! 2) That movie Happy Feet looks like about the cutest little film out there! I don't know if I'll see it before it comes to video, but I do want to see it. 3) There are some other really really really good movies out and/or coming out soon, and I probably will see hardly any of them but I always hear about so many around this time (x-mas and the awards season coming) that I really want to see. And yet, even though I just spent a whole long paragraph talking about movies, I don't actually care all that much if I see or don't see them. But it's just been on my mind recently about all the good-sounding ones coming out.

I'm so so so so tired now and my eyes keep closing. To finish, I'm going to follow another wonderful and fabulous idea of CeeCi's - at the end of every post, I'm going to list three things that I'm grateful for at that moment/time. This is SUCH a wonderful thing because then it's constant gratitude and being aware of what we're grateful for. And also, I usually don't have time to write out entire Gratitude Tuesday lists anymore (although it's not completely true that I don't have the time and instead I'm not good with organizing my time) but I really miss writing those lists and keep promising to work on my lists again. But until then, and even when I'm doing the long lists again, I love love love the idea of noticing and writing down three little or big things that are making me happy right that moment!!! CeeCi is just amazing with all her kick-ass ideas!!! :)

So - 3 things I'm grateful for right now are:
1) My wonderful IMing and talking to Mr. H tonight which, despite my somewhat stressed mood, made me smile and laugh and feel such joy at all that he has brought to my life!
2) Little James and Emma, my sweetest babies, who are so happy to have me back home with them and have been letting me know how much they missed me in their absolutely adorable, silly, cuddly and purring little ways!
3) My dad, because our talk the other night meant so so so so so much to me, and I feel a whole new acceptance and happiness, and I feel loved, and I feel that he's really on my side now, and knows me so much better than he did before, and I don't feel judged by him anymore, or that he's disappointed in me, and it all gives me a new sense of confidence and a bit of freedom. I'll write more on this later.

Now my so so so so sleepy self is going to bed!

Musical Monday!

I got back on the train from my parents' house yesterday morning and I had a sleepy day and spent so much time cuddling and loving James and Emmalove, who needed so so so much extra loving and were so happy to have me back! I love that so much!!! And they both woke me up so many times last night and were purring and cuddly - they're so so so so so adorable and sweet and lovey!!! But so anyway, last night I sorted a lot of emails and browsed for x-mas presents for my dad and grandma, and should have started backing up my files since I last did it in July because I can just sense an imminent crash of my computer - but I didn't so tonight I'll start working on backing everything up, and I also talked to Mr. H for a long time and we had fun as we were looking at the same websites and he was giving me such good ideas for presents for my dad!

Okay, I need to leave for work very soon but I still need to finish getting ready, so I'll just post these two very very very cool songs by an amazing artist named Jill Tracy, from her album Diabolical Streak, who I happened to stumble upon and now I just love listening to this album - it makes me feel like slinking across a dance floor in a kind of tango, or singing onstage in a little jazz club with a slinky little Jessica Rabbit-type dress. It has such a sexy sound, and of course the lyrics aren't exactly happy but are kind of bad-girl-like. This stuff is just amazing! Oh and I couldn't find the lyrics anywhere to the first song I'm posting, Extraordinary, so under that song I'll paste in some things that have been written about her. (And I tried to add a picture of her album but blogger isn't showing anything once again.)

Jill Tracy - Extraordinary



From Amazon:

Jill Tracy is both villainess and heroine of her own musical netherworld. The San Francisco-based artist has garnered multiple awards and a devoted following for her evocative cinematic music, sophisticated lyrics, old-world glamour, and curious passion for strange tales.

Hailed by critics as a "femme fatale for the thinking man," Tracy was described by NPR’s All Things Considered as "utterly intriguing... luring you into a magical kingdom solely of her creation." LA Weekly calls her "very distinctive and exciting."

Her signature sound conjures up images of wonder cabinets, hidden passageways and opium dens, but at the same time, it’s shockingly new. Jill Tracy coos in a voice of cut-velvet smoke, ornately framed by her dark classical-cum-parlour piano, creating a world of opulence and danger, of magic and madness. As one critic put it: "You know it’s not safe here; but with Jill Tracy as your guide, you’ll be in no hurry to leave."

With her recent forays into filmmaking, writing, acting and theatre, Jill Tracy is redefining the image of modern day renaissance artist. But beneath her trademark sound and style lurks cold steel. No corporate-contrived cookie cutter blandness here. She is refreshing proof that smart... is sexy.

Also, visit Jill Tracy's website to read her full bio.

Jill Tracy - Evil Night Together



i'll hold your hand while they drag the river
i'll cuddle you in the undertow
i'll keep my hand on your trigger finger
i'll take you down where the train tracks go

let's wile away the hours
let's spend an evil night together

we'll drink a toast in the torture chamber
and you'll go down on a bed of nails
we'll rendevous in cold blood
i'll tie you up to the third rail

let's wile away the hours
let's spend an evil night together

who's gonna make you a hero
who's gonna blow you away
who's gonna make you a hero
hold it right there

it's a multiple down in solitary
and you'll uncover the evidence
shanghaied by a fishnet stocking
i'll hold you close while they dust for prints

let's wile away the hours
let's spend an evil night together

no need for cake or flowers
let's spend an evil night together

words and music by Jill Tracy

Happy Thanksgiving! And my long and wonderful account of my weekend with Mr. H!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! It's almost midnight so Thanksgiving is almost over, and I'm kind of too sleepy now to go search for and save and include some cute little Thanksgiving picture - but so just pretend that there's a wonderful picture of a cooked turkey and stuffing and cranberries and pumpkin pie!! :)

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my mom and dad and grandma and grandpa! I had fun with my mom and dad as we got the turkey and stuffing ready and put it all in the oven, and I had fun with them all after we got my grandparents and when we all hung out around the kitchen table and talked and watched little stuff on TV and looked at little shopping ads and such. And then all the food was just so wonderful - I love Thanksgiving dinner so much, it's sooooooo yummy!!! Of course, my stomach ache is just now finally going away almost the whole way :)

I want to list so many of the things I'm grateful for on this Thanksgiving Day, but damn it's just so late and I'm so sleepy!!!! However, I'll name just a few of the millions of things that I'm grateful for: my wonderful mom, my fabulous dad, my loving and sweet grandma and grandpa, my sweet James and Emma who give me such joy, my amazing friends and coworkers who make me so happy and make me feel so loved, and finally - my love Mr. H, who has added a whole new amazing joy and excitement and peace and contentment to my life!

Yesterday I started writing out my account of Mr. H's visit and our perfect long weekend together :) I had THE WORST stomach ache when I started writing and it continued through much of my writing, and I was also occasionally getting up to help my mom with something - so I hope it flows okay and isn't too disjointed or badly written :( I finished it up tonight but it ended up being so long, yes very very long(!), and I don't want to reread the entire thing but instead kind of want to go to bed! But oh it was such a wonderful weekend!!! So so so wonderful!!! And guess what I did today??!! I made my reservation to go visit Mr. H!!!! Yay!!! I'm flying there on the night of December 29 and flying back on the morning of January 4, so we'll have five full days together, and will get to kiss and kiss and kiss as the new year arrives! I love that we'll be together for that!!!

Okay, well I'm off to bed, so now here is my account of our wonderful weekend(!) and of course the beginning stuff that I wrote yesterday as well:

Oh I haven't written in so long and I don't know how to start now!! I'm in Michigan at my parents' house now for the Thanksgiving weekend, and my train came in really really really late last night so we're all still kind of sleepy here. Today I helped my mom with some of the food preparation and we spent the afternoon talking and laughing and I got to tell her so many of the wonderful things about Mr. H and so many little stories about our wonderful time together this past long weekend - and it's so hard for me to STOP talking about him!! And of course he's on my mind All The Time! :)

I don't know if I have the energy right now to write about our entire time together (I'm sleepy and have a stomach ache), but then again, that's the best way for me to organize my thoughts and write out all my wonderful memories that I keep replaying over and over again in my head. So I'll start and I may have to continue more tomorrow!

Okay - well our story starts last Thursday night - I left work early, at about 3:30, to finish cleaning my place a little and do a couple loads of laundry, and it all took a little longer than I expected so I grabbed a cab to the nearest train station and that took longer than I expected, too, and then the train was moving slowly and my sweetie's plane had already landed! I hate that feeling when you're running late! I texted Mr. H to let him know I was on my way and when I got to the airport I went rushing toward his terminal and walking all around trying to find him anywhere. That particular terminal had hardly anyone in it at least, so I didn't have to scan hundreds of people. And then as I was leaving a voicemail for Mr. H (and that's the first time I'd ever actually gotten his voicemail and heard his message), I saw him coming towards me!!! And oh I was so happy! Instantly any nervousness I'd had about seeing him again was gone and there was just his smile and feeling his arms around me and his lips on mine - it was a wonderful, wonderful feeling to be with him again!!!

Then we walked together, holding hands, to the train and took that a few stops, and then spent quite awhile outside waiting for a cab to come by - it was a little chilly but being near Mr. H and kissing him and feeling him holding me made it all okay until a cab finally came, and then I sat smooshed next to him with his bag on the other side of me and our hands on each others' legs or holding hands. I LOVE being close to him, there's just SUCH a magnetic pull there for me!!! We got out near my place and stopped in a convenience store cause I wanted to get sugar for his morning coffee, and then we walked to my place and were home!

My senses were just in overload that first night and right now I can't remember the exact progression of everything, it's all just jumbled together as a perfect first night. I think after we sat down I straddled him on the couch - I just love doing that! - and we kissed and hugged and held each other and then talked while kissing. I think that we ate second and fucked first but I can't be 100% certain of that order. But I remember from the couch Mr. H picked me up and carried me, with my legs around him and while we were kissing, to the bedroom. And I remember we fell high onto the bed and took our clothes off and had wonderful and passionate sex. And as you remember, we fuck together VERY WELL!!

And then we laid together and held each other and talked. And Mr. H told me that he loves me!!! And my heart just swelled!!! And I told him that I love him. I know we haven't known each other for long, and I know that before that night we had just spent 18 1/2 hours together and then talked on the phone every night since. I know these things should move slower, but yet there's something amazing between Mr. H and I, and there's more intensity because of the distance and because of all we have talked about and the fact that we talk so much and for so long. So anyway, despite all these things and partially because of all these things, we are in love, and we shared that wonderful moment of telling each other in person how we feel! It was so wonderful and amazing!

A little later Mr. H took a shower and I put the most wonderful thing from Trader Joe's in the oven: the Tarte d'Alsace - it's the most amazing super thin-crust pizza-like thing (and the crust is sooooooooooooooo amazing!) with gruyer (or is it grueyer? or something else?) cheese, carmelized onions and ham on it. I LOVE this pizza/tarte! And I was so excited that Mr. H loved it just as much as I did!! And because the pizza/tarte is so small, we also ordered this enormous extra-large pizza for delivery - and I took a picture of it sitting on my coffeetable cause there has never been such a big pizza in my place before! So we ate a little more, and we cuddled on the couch and watched some standup routines on Mr. H's laptop while we ate. And eventually we moved to the bedroom again and stayed up rather late having more absolutely amazing sex and cuddling and talking and laughing.

Okay, next to Friday! First - I just LOVE waking up next to Mr. H!!! I love it - I love falling asleep next to him and I love waking up and kissing him and having him there with me! We got ready (well more he waited while I got ready - it takes me much longer to get pretty for sure) and then we walked to the train and my love got to take his first morning rush hour train ride in Chicago! We were a little cuddly on the train and I loved having his arm around me, and then he walked with me to my office and he went to get Starbucks and planned to then go to a couple seminars at the Apple store until early afternoon, when he came to my office to meet everyone.

I made him a little nervous cause I kept telling him that especially The Meat would be asking a lot of questions. I knew he'd do fine, but I didn't want him taken completely by surprise. First he met The Queen and we all laughed and chatted in his office for a bit, and then we took the walk down the hall to meet Freckles and The Meat. The Meat invited us to sit in his office and came in a minute later, and we spent about two hours in there talking to him. The Meat can be intimidating sometimes, and he can also be very blunt, and he also sees me in many ways as a daughter so wanted to make sure Mr. H was a good person and was who he said he was.

Mr. H did so well I thought! He was himself, he was honest, he was friendly - and throughout the whole talk I thought The Meat was able to see how good, how honest and ethical, how smart and well-spoken, how friendly and fun, and how wonderful overall Mr. H is. I thought The Meat was impressed by many things, and I was so happy with Mr. H, and they had so many things to talk about and really I think they are very similar in some very important ways. Near the end, The Queen and Freckles came in for awhile and we all chatted for a bit and then Mr. H and I got ready to leave and took some cool pictures outside, and then took the train most of the way home to my place but stopped at Trader Joe's and Mr. H got some yummy stuff to make for dinner (I'm really bad at describing food but I'll include a picture in my next post - he made chicken thighs with some corn salsa on top, wonderful little baby potatos cut up, french green beans and baby brocolli - it was all so yummy!!! And we lit our candle and dined in the candlelight and at the end took wonderful pictures of the candle and other things around it).

I right now can think back and actually FEEL myself lying in bed next to Mr. H - I can feel his lips, feel my head on his chest, feel his arms around me, see his face, look into his eyes. I miss him and being close to him physically, because it's so amazing and so wonderful. I can't wait until we have that again - it'll be a few weeks but I can't wait.

On Saturday we woke early and met Florida and Asparagus for breakfast and it was very fun - I loved having two of my best friends meet my wonderful boyfriend!!! After breakfast we all walked to a little music shop and chatted along the way, and then chatted outside the shop, and then Florida and Asparagus went back towards their car and Mr. H and I started walking toward home. And then I got a call from Florida and she wanted to tell me right away that they liked Mr. H, and liked him as soon as they met him - that there wasn't even any question about it. I LOVED hearing that! I love that my friends love my boyfriend, too!

Mr. H and I spent the next couple hours walking around, stopping at a couple of little stores, getting coffee, and just spending such a wonderful Saturday afternoon together. I love how whenever we're walking, we hold hands - I LOVE that!!! And I love how Mr. H turns and kisses my head now and then, and how we kiss often. I loved seeing our reflection together whenever we'd approach a diagonal window. I loved looking at little shops together and walking down little sidestreets together. I just love being with him!

When we eventually got home we laid in bed and took a little nap and then later ate leftover pizza for dinner and listened to a new CD that Mr. H bought, and looked at stuff on the internet. And then we walked to see a late night little comedy show, and took pictures around the area before the show. I love how excited Mr. H is about his photography! And I love the unique and so cool pictures that he takes and which are so different from my style of photography!

[I have such a stomach ache right now! I've been in pain for the last couple of hours and it's starting to get a tiny bit better now but it's still so awful - I feel like I don't ever want to eat again! It's all because I love eating pie dough while my mom and I make the pumpkin pies, and because I had my galbladder taken out, it gives me a terrible bellyache later!]

Sunday was so wonderful and yet there was always the slight knowledge that he would be leaving very early the next morning. We didn't talk about it until later in the afternoon at least but I know we were both conscious of it. Still though, it was such a wonderful and priceless day! In the morning we woke and had a lazy morning in bed which included wonderful fucking and then a lot of talking. One thing we talked about was our different style of decorating and how other couples have dealt with that. We both liked the idea of compromising on everything - finding something that both of us could like and be comfortable with - and also each of us having "veto power" that we could use anytime. I think that's a fabulous idea! And later in the day when he told me a certain decorating idea that he always likes, and I answered "we're gonna have to talk about that," we cracked up at my first possible use of The Veto! :)

Oh but so anyway, first we went to breakfast at a little place near me and oh it was so wonderful - we held hands across the table before and after our food came and we talked about fun stuff and also about relationship things and the future. I really think we have a wonderful mixture of lightness and fun and then more serious and very open talks about our couplehood and the future - ideas about raising children, how we fight and deal with stress, how to introduce his dogs and my cats and have them all be happy, where we might live, health insurance, immigration, our views on marriage and communication and commitment, what we'd ideally like for a wedding, how to handle money, how we'll go for walks with the dogs every other night so we can get more cardio and exercise in our lives - I know I'm probably missing a few other things but you get the point that we have talked about a lot of big things. And it feels wonderful to be able to be open and completely myself with him, and to know that he's on the same page exactly as I am so I feel safe to be me!

After breakfast we decided to check out a couple other areas, because I really wanted him to see some other cool little areas and streets in Chicago. We took the train and walked around a bit, checked out a camera store, and then took the train to another area of the city - and on the train we stood close together and I love how he had his arm around me so tightly and whenever the train would jerk a little, he'd hold me even tighter - it makes me feel so special! When we got off we checked out a few stores and took a picture of our reflection together in a window, and went in a couple of other stores and looked at furniture and decorations and organizational stuff - it was just so fun, so so fun to be with him! And then we got a few little groceries and headed back home after walking around for so long.

On the train going home, I got really sad about him leaving and was trying hard not to cry. I didn't want our night to be sad but yet it was such an awful feeling to know our wonderful long weekend together was winding down - I didn't want it to end, I love being with him, I love having him near me - I love my Mr. H! We were kind of melancholy all evening - we held each other a lot, we kissed a lot, we laid together and ate together and tried to not think so much about him leaving. Finally he got everything all packed so he wouldn't have to do much in the morning, and he printed off a boarding pass, and I ordered a cab for him at 4:45 a.m. And then we laid in bed and kissed and cuddled and got as close as we could to each other. We fell asleep with him spooning behind me, our legs entwined, and holding each others' hands.

The next morning came so quickly and while Mr. H was taking a quick shower, I wrote him a note and slipped it into his bag so he'd find it at the airport. And then we had about 15 minutes to just hold each other before his cab came. When we got the call and I walked him downstairs and we hugged and kissed for the last time my tears finally started flowing, and when I watched his cab drive away from my window I was all teary and then went back to bed and slept on his side and on his pillow and wearing his sweatshirt that he'd left behind. (He also left behind his toothbrush and soap and razor and little bag of toiletries - I love that, having them there, knowing he's there a little and will be back!)

Well anyway though, after I woke up and was getting ready for work, I got a call from my love and there was a problem with his plane and a chance he'd be staying another day (yay!), and shortly after that he texted me: "Stay!" Yay! Oh how wonderful when we thought we'd said goodbye and then were given the gift of another day! We met downtown at my work and he came upstairs again to talk to everyone and meet The Italian Chef, and he watched a little action to see some of what goes on every day, and then we got coffee downstairs together and I gave him my keys and he left to go to a seminar at the Apple store and then was going to get some groceries and make dinner!

When I finally got home in the evening, he had bought beautiful pink tulips with yellow tips and had them in water at the table and had the table all set for dinner and a new candle for me (I don't want to completely burn down the first candle he bought for me so I only burn it sparingly now). He's so wonderful! We first laid in bed for awhile so I could warm up a bit, and then I told him I wanted him to fuck me and of course he was so nice and gave me what I wanted! :) Then he finished cooking dinner (big sea scallops with a honey-soy glaze, mashed potatos (yum!) with green onions and goat cheese, brocolli and corn-on-the-cob - and we had our frozen bonbons for dessert!). It was wonderful!!! And then I did the dishes and he helped me clean up a bit and I just loved us working together in the kitchen!

After that we sat in the living room and somehow a topic came up that had been bothering me on and off - I had been trying not to let it get to me and I knew that I was making much more of it, much much more of it, than I should. But it came up then, and I don't like holding things inside me because it just drives me crazy then and becomes a mountain, and also because I want him to know me completely and that includes knowing what's in my head. So we talked for awhile about it - I asked questions, he tried to explain and showed me things and tried in a few different ways to explain it all to me, and then I finally understood and also saw that a lot of what I was worrying about was in my imagination and also went back to some very old worries and thoughts and such (like back in high school and early college). And then it opened up a whole new area for us really, one that we haven't really deeply explored together yet, and it was fun and also opened things up even more.

After that we watched a bit of TV and then got ready for bed and cuddled and kissed and held each other and fell asleep together. And again, the morning came too soon, but having our extra gift of a day had been so wonderful and brought us even closer, especially because I had gotten the worry out of my head completely with regard to my one little issue. And I just love him, and I feel so loved by him, and it makes everything seem so simple even though our situation is more complicated than the average relationship. I just feel wonderful, and so so happy, and that makes it all perfect! :) I know of course that there will be some hard times, and times when the distance will get to us, and times when we'll miss each other so much - but yet right now I feel that nothing is too big, not when we both are committed and in love.

So then after he left I stayed awake and cuddled with James and Emmalove a lot, and then got ready for work and packed and after work took the Amtrak to Michigan. And here I am!

So in conclusion to my VERY LONG POST, it was a wonderful weekend, a perfect weekend, such an important weekend, and it just solidified everything I feel for my wonderful Mr. H! I can't wait to see him again, and I can't wait until I next to talk to him, and I can't wait for our story to continue! But yet even as I say I can't wait, I love experiencing each and every day and each and every conversation and email and text message with him! And I love all the joy I feel!!! :) And I love Mr. H!!!!

Gushing about My Love!!!!!

I don't have time to write a lot because I'm at work and need to get a few things finished here. BUT, my sweetie is in town and I'm so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He came in last night and he's here until very early Monday morning and I have such such such joy in my heart and both a very peaceful and contented feeling and also a very excited feeling inside me!!!

And I can't tell you how much I loved falling asleep last night while spooning and holding hands, waking up with him next to me this morning, getting ready with him there and watching him play with little Emmalove, and leaving my place together and walking to the train holding hands, and standing on the train together with his arm around me and my hand on him, and then sitting on the train with our hands on each others' legs or holding hands, and having him walk with me to my office, and being able to kiss him goodbye when I went upstairs, and know that I'd be seeing him again in just a few short hours. I just love this!!!

And he's coming to my office in about half an hour so he can meet everyone who I work with and see where I spend my days! And tomorrow morning we're meeting Florida and Asparagus for breakfast! And I'll show him around some parts of the city, and we'll hold hands and we'll hug and we'll kiss and oh God we'll do so much more fucking which I can't even begin to talk about right now because it's so so so so amazing and there's not enough time! Oh and another thing I just love about him - I love how he holds me when we're outside standing, how he hold me tight with an arm around my waist and I especially love how he kisses me on my forehead or on the side of my head or on my hair now and then - it has the absolute sweetest and warmest and most loving quality to it! And another thing - we even fit together so perfectly when we're standing! When I'm not wearing heels, the top of my head comes to just under his chin so we're like puzzle pieces with the tightest and most complete fit!!!

Okay, I could go on and on and on much much more, but I'll stop now so I can get some things done and also get ready for him to get here!!! My Mr. H is such an amazing and wonderful man, and I am just soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy that he's here!!!!!!!!! He makes me so so so so so so so happy and feel just so amazingly special and precious!!!!!!!!!! :) I'll gush more later this weekend!!!! :)

Musical Monday!

I leave really really really early tomorrow morning on the train back to Chicago, so I'm just going to quickly post a song and then go to bed! This is a beautiful song that Mr. H sent me for one of my morning songs, and it was also on a CD that he made for me! I love the song just by itself because it's so cool and beautiful, but I love it even more because it came from my wonderful boyfriend!!! (Did anyone catch that? Yes, I called him my boyfriend! We talked about it and I'm starting to get used to using the word now and I'm liking it!!!)


Claire Voyant - Pieces



From Wikipedia:

Claire Voyant is a dream pop band from Sacramento, California. The trio were once part of a 5-piece band, called Murmur, but out over creative differences. Their 1995 debut, Claire Voyant, has been followed by two more studio albums, each introducing new elements making each a distinct work of its own. They are currently signed to Metropolis Records and are working on their fourth album, titled Lustre.

Victoria also contributes to Industrial artists HMB and Mono Chrome. Chris also contributes to HMB.

From Claire Voyant's website:

"Ethereal electronics that are lush and tranquil with the rich vocals of what could be a mythical siren singing" -CJ, Spongey Monkey Vol #8/9

The band has been described by some top labels, artists, and DJ's, stylistically, as "A mix of 4AD meets the Sundays, and Garbage." The lush and dramatic electronics of Chris Ross meld with the innovative and melodic guitar of Benjamin Fargen to create a hypnotic foundation for vocalist Victoria Lloyd's soaring and passionate vocal presence. The new album is sure to please fans of the 1995 self-titled release, 1998's "Time and the Maiden", as well as the 2001 release of remixes "Time Again".

The new album "Love is Blind" is the fourth full length album from Claire Voyant. The album is scheduled for a September 2002 release on Metropolis Records. This album continues the Northern California trio's 7-year collaboration and takes their dark melodic dream pop style to the present.

Love is Blind is a journey. A sonically personified romance of beauty and warmth adulterated with persistent micro-stabbings of invocation. Portraits of discovery, despair, and potential disintegration of the elusive "love". Why do we have to fill the world with silly love songs? Well, what's wrong with that?

"The mystery of Love is greater than the mystery of Death...." - Oscar Wilde

Claire Voyant is:
Victoria Lloyd ~ vocals & lyrics
Chris Ross ~ programming
Ben Fargen ~ guitars

My anniversary and other fun things!!

Today is my one-year anniversary of being sober - yay me!!!!!!!! :) And life is just WONDERFUL!!!!!!!

I'm in Michigan now at my parents' house - today was also a work holiday (second this week!), Veteran's Day Observed, so I took the train home last night. The train wasn't at all crowded so it was so nice and I listened to some of my new music and I especially completely ADORED one of the CDs!! I'll definitely have a couple of those songs for my Musical Monday choice in a couple of weeks (this Monday I'm going back on the train in the morning so on Sunday night I'll post a song that I already have uploaded or one of the wonderful songs that Mr. H has sent me!)

And on the train I also went through the first chapter of my HTML and CSS book - it's a wonderful book that really focuses on the reader learning, understanding and most importantly, remembering, so they repeat a lot and make it visually interesting, and have many little exercises for us to do along the way. My mom just left to take my grandpa to a doctor's appointment and won't be home until dinnertime so I'll go through another chapter this afternoon.

Right now I'm listening to the Top 20 on Country Music Television - I remember the first time Mr. H and I talked on the phone he said he could never date a girl who liked country music which I thought sounded like such a ridiculous rule - and I like country (along with most kinds of music)!! I told him that then and he changed the subject! :) Baby, I think you're going to have to take that off the list of unacceptable things now!!!! Hehe!!! :) (And if you were here right now I'd tell you that while laughing and smiling SO big and then give you a BIG BIG kiss and another big and mischievous smile!!!!)

When I was doing a google search for a cute image for my sobriety anniversary, I ran across such a beautiful and positive and hopeful and amazing poem - the site is mostly in I believe Japanese but luckily this poem wasn't! I just LOVE this poem, every single line is so perfect and amazing even on its own!

One

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.
One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.
One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.
One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.
One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true,

One life can make a difference,
You see, it's up to you!

Isn't that so uplifting!!! I love it, I keep rereading it and read each line slowly, stopping for just a couple seconds to really think about each line by itself. It's wonderful!

I told my mom all about Mr. H this morning! Late last night I told her I would be getting a phone call. She asked, "From The German?" Nope. "A guy?" Yes! "Someone from your internet dating site?" No, I got off of it, it's someone else!! I had a BIG smile on my face! But I told her it was way too late to start telling her so I'd tell her in the morning. So this morning we spent probably two hours talking all about him - with me of course doing most of the talking! She was a little surprised, has a couple worries about the long distance thing but is also really happy to see me so happy. And she actually took it all pretty well and wasn't too negative at all. And she did have some good advice and gave me a couple things to ask questions about - issues she's had to deal with herself in my parents' marriage. She also liked a number of things that I told her about him, and she can tell that I'm really happy right now and loves seeing that! So it all went so well and I loved being able to tell her about him!!! :) :)

Okay, that's all I can think of right now! I have to go check the meat cooking on the stove, and I'll pet my parents' cats for a bit, and then go get my web design books! Happy Friday!!!

My afternoon hard at work: a questionnaire about myself :)

I've seen this little questionnaire on a few different blogs and although I think they did it as a Monday thing, I had the desire right now to just sit here and answer simple questions about myself - to make me think but yet not think at the same time, so I'm posting it right now as well. It's long, but I really like these things. And I find doing them to be very relaxing and also enlightening and restorative.

The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Mr. Hands :)

When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
I don’t drive and it’s been awhile since I’ve used a cart, but when I’m visiting my parents and use a cart I always return it.

In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
50/50 but depends on my mood. Actually, maybe it's more like 40/60 usually.

Do you take compliments well?
Yes, and they make me feel wonderful and can sometimes make my whole day!!

Are you an active person?
Not so much. I think I’m pretty average, but I like slow active (walking) as compared to fast active (running).

If abandoned alone in the wilderness, do you survive?
Good question! I think I’d be stronger than I think, and I probably know more about survival than I think I know. But at the same time, I don’t think I could light a fire by myself without matches. And I honestly don’t think I could bring myself to eat any bugs. And I certainly couldn’t kill a small, cute and furry animal for food. So I’d be a vegetarian and eat leaves and hopefully they wouldn’t be poisonous. And if I was abandoned in the Arctic or anywhere cold then I’d be a goner.

Do you like to ride horses?
The last time I rode one was on a family vacation in Wyoming when I was sixteen. There’s always much more rocking back and forth than I expect. But I’ve always wanted to be able to ride like a supercool cowgirl and for years I’ve wanted to go riding again – but there aren’t horse stables in the city and I have no car to get to the burbs with. Soon! And I’ll learn to love riding them! The horse and I will move as one! :)

Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
[Oh woops, I was just doing a re-read before posting and I answered whether I ever went camping as a kid. As to camp – yes, a couple of day camps, and I know I went to a week-long camp each summer for a couple years.] Yes, I think once with a big tent and after a big rain and leaking my parents abandoned that and got a pop-up camper for us which was so much nicer!! I LOVE bonfires and roasting marshmallows and if someone there can play an acoustic guitar and sing then I’d be so happy! But I’d rather have the bonfire and marshmallows and guitar outside a real place and be able to sleep in a bed.

What was your favorite game as a kid?
Boys chase girls. Yes, really! :)

A sexy person is pursuing you, but you know that he/she is married, would you?
It depends.

Are you judgmental?
I’m sure I am but I like to think that I’m not. And I try to not let it affect my behavior if I am and consciously try not to be.

Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Pursued, definitely.

Use three words to describe yourself.
Caring, happy, fun.

If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
Deaf. I love hearing things – music, voices, birds chirping, wind blowing, etc., but I don’t know if I could stand being in a world of darkness and not seeing the faces of people who I love, the colors of nature and colors all around me, sunsets, blue skies, fall leaves, snow, lakes and oceans – I would absolutely HATE to live in a world without sight. And besides, if I were deaf I could still learn to read lips and use sign language so it would be so much easier than living in a black world.

Are you continuing your education?
I first need to decide exactly what area I want to move into, and then learn what I need to know. I’m continuing to learn right now – I just bought a few books on web design, html, xhtml and css! So exciting!!!

Do you know how to shoot a gun?
I used to be a fabulous shot with the BB gun! And although I don’t ever want to own a gun, I keep planning to get my card so I can go to a shooting range and learn how to shoot a handgun – I don’t ever want to be that stupid girl in action movies who picks up a gun and needs to shoot the bad guy but can’t figure out how to get the safety lock off. And besides, again the cowgirl thing, and I also love James Bond so kind of want to be like him! :)

How often do you read books?
I should read more. And I love buying books so I have so many that I haven’t read. I read on the train going to work and coming home. Usually I don’t read at home but I want to start doing that more – close the computer and just read.

Do you think more about the past, present or future?
Present. What’s past is past. And I’m not a good planner so thinking about the future can be a little stressful. I like the present, what I can do now to improve myself and have fun.

What is your favorite children's book?
Mr. H and I were just talking about this last night! And I told him I couldn’t remember but that I know my mom saved a couple of my favorites in a box in her closet. I’m going home this weekend so I’m going to check! Other than that, I LOVED the Ramona books, and especially the book Socks by the same author (Beverly Cleary) – about a little cat that gets adopted and is the center of its owners’ world at home, and then slowly its mom’s lap starts getting smaller and smaller and then there’s a new little baby suddenly there and Socks isn’t too happy but it all works out in the end – oh it’s such a cute and funnty book! I haven’t read it for years and years but I read it over and over and over again when I was little! Now I wish I could read it again!

Have you kissed any of your MySpace friends?
I only joined MySpace so I can see my cousin’s myspace page (it’s private), and she’s the only myspace “friend” I have. I’ve kissed her on the cheek I’m sure!

How tall are you?
5’4”

Where is your ideal house located?
Kind of hard question. I’d love a little house in the city here. And I’d love a little house in Italy in a quaint little town near the Meditteranean. Or a little house on some island in the Caribbean, or a little house somewhere in Central or South America. And I’m sure I would be happy in so many other places as well.

Boxers, briefs, thongs, panties, or grannies?
Thongs. (Why is “grannies” even an option here?)

Last person you talked to?
Mr. H called me around lunchtime today! Oh and Florida and I just caught up for awhile on the phone!

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
A couple of times – the last time was with Tivo right after we took the bar exam – we were both a little tipsy from celebrating :)

When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
I can’t remember, a very very long time ago.

What are your keys on your key chain for?
One keychain has six keys for around my building – two for the front doors, one for the mailbox, two for my own door, and one for the room with the circuit breakers. My other keychain has two keys for getting into the offices at work.

Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
To work.

Where is your current pain at?
No current pains.

Do you like mustard?
No, yuck!

Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Oh, this is an unfair question. Obviously I prefer to sleep if I’m tired and prefer to eat if I’m hungry. And we all know I love sleeping. But I also love eating yummy stuff now and then, too.

Do you look like your mom or dad?
Much more like my dad, but I have my mom’s smile and teeth.

How long does it take you in the shower?
I LOVE showers, and I get cold so easily so I love just standing under the hot water. Probably 15 minutes is my usual. And because I feel the need to explain a little further - I have long hair so it sometimes takes longer to rinse the conditioner out – oh and I leave it in for awhile, too, while I bask in the hot water!

Can you do a split?
No, unfortunately I’m not very flexible.

What movie do you want to see right now?
I honestly can’t think of a specific movie. Oh - MWFB and I are supposed to go see Borat together!

What did you do for New Year's?
For New Year’s Eve, I don’t think I did anything at all, no I didn’t. First of all I don’t generally like New Year’s Eve at all – everyone always has SUCH high expectations and there’s SUCH pressure to go to some big party or bring the year in right. I stayed home last year so I wouldn’t be around any alcohol, and because I wanted my year to start out right by just having a quiet and happy night with my own thoughts. I think I definitely prefer the quieter route for that night – maybe just with family and/or friends, maybe out to dinner, or make dinner, watch a movie, something easy and quiet. For New Year’s, I’d have to look back in my archives. I probably just slept in and stayed home all day by myself. Again, I don’t like the overrated expectation thing.

Do you think "The Grudge" was scary?
I didn’t see it, I don’t like really scary movies.

What was the cause of your last accident?
Hmmm, last accident with a car of mine was back in high school and the cause would have been my idiot then-boyfriend’s ditzy driving skills and not paying attention to anything around him.

How much money do you have on you right now?
I think about $60 – just went to the cash machine a couple days ago, took out extra cause I have to put money on my train card.

What are you drinking?
Water, and I’m about to go to Starbucks.

Was your mom a cheerleader?
No, she spent her time learning piano (she took 9 years of lessons) and setting the curve in all her classes – my mom is very very smart!

What's the last letter of your middle name?
”y”

Who did you vote for on American Idol?
I never voted, but I did watch some of the seasons.

How many hours of sleep do you get at night?
6 on average, but I really should be getting closer to 8 so I can wake up better in the morning and not have days where I can’t wake up at all.

Do you like Carebears?
When I was little I did.

What do you buy at the movies?
A small popcorn and then I get a stomach ache afterward – but it tastes so good!

Do you know how to play poker?
Sort of.

Do you wear your seat belt?
Always.

What do you wear to sleep?
Bra-top tank top and yoga pants

Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Not that I can think of.

How many meals do you eat a day?
I just got yogurt at the grocery store so right now it’s 3. Sometimes it’s 1. Sometimes 2.

Is your tongue pierced?
No way.

What's your favorite NFL team?
I used to care but don’t really anymore. I’ll always go for NFC over AFC, and I’ll usually root for the Bears or Packers if I need to pick a team.

Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny.

Ever been to Vegas?
No, and I don’t have really any desire to go. Maybe once just to see it all, but there are about a thousand other places I’d rather visit.

Did you eat a cookie today?
No, but now I want one! Chocolate chip, my favorite!!! And fuck, I deserve it!!!

Do you use cuss words in other languages?
No, the ones in English work perfectly for me!

Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I know it’s wrong what I do. I know. (That is NOT an admission!)

Do you hate chocolate?
What? Of course not! I LOVE chocolate!!! Dark chocolate!!!

What do you and your parents fight about the most?
With my dad, we’ll fight every once in awhile when he’s in a shitty mood and taking it out on my mom and I, and I call him on it. With my mom, sometimes I get snippy in the morning when I’m tired and she’s nagging me or asking me a million little questions. And then I apologize later in an email or sometimes call her back after I’m awake a little more. But really we hardly ever fight.

Is anyone mad at or irritated with you right now?
I don’t think so. Maybe The Meat is a little frustrated with my procrastination.

Do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
Chirstmas Day.

What's your favorite preparation for eggs?
Scrambled with a little cheese on top and/or mixed with things.

If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
A writer, or web designer, or getting paid for my photography, or if I had the ability to paint the images that I see in my head, I’d love to be a painter.

Are you easy to get along with?
Yes, and I think very.

What is your favorite time of day?
I don’t know. It really depends on the day. My moods fluctuate throughout the day and aren’t always the same at certain times and on different days.

Who was your best girlfriend/boyfriend?
Ever? Or when I was little? I’m not sure.

Who do you hate?
Anyone who hurts an animal.

Would you ever date your first love again?
No.

Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Kindof :)

Current mood?
A little melancholy, kind of tired, a lot of things in my head. Now that I finally finished I’m going to go get my coffee, and if they have a chocolate chip cookie I’m getting one of those now, too!

A little peeved and then gushing, gushing and more gushing!!!

Tomorrow I have the day off of work because it's election day! It's so lovely to get the whole day off for that!!! However, I've developed one huge complaint now - I've just been searching all over the internet and all kind of websites to find out where I have to actually GO tomorrow to vote and there's not a fucking thing out there to tell me anything! No addresses, no nothing. Seriously, what the fuck? How unorganized can they be to not give good and wonderful people (like me!) a way to find out where I need to go!!! And yes, I know I'm waiting until the night before to start looking into this, but I'm sure there are plenty of other quite normal people doing the exact same thing!

Okay, I'm finished with that now! Today was a wonderful day! I had some really really good talks with The Meat and he was imparting so much of his wisdom which I always so appreciate as I learn so much from him and so value his opinion. He has had such an effect on who I've become over the past year and he still reminds me often of my value, of all the gifts I have to offer, of all the wonderful facets of my personality, and he was the one to really give me permission to think that I'm indeed special and really worthy and that I have so much to offer. I owe so much of my self-confidence and overall sense of comfort with my life to the gifts that he has given me. And all because he sees something special in me and he cares about me as a friend and also almost like a daughter sometimes. And he would roll his eyes and be so embarrassed if he knew I was writing all this!

And my wonderful day continued because Mr. H called me during the early afternoon just to say hi and check on me and see if all was okay with my friends at work - I love love love love love all the so many little gestures he makes! He makes me feel so special and so happy!!! My morning song this morning was Leonard Cohen's "I'm Your Man", and he said the lyrics are so him - and it's the most amazing song and so romantic and knowing that he picked it out for me because I'd like it and also because of what it says means so much to me!

And I also got to gush a little to Freckles and show her some of the wonderful things that Mr. H has written, and I also told her about his plans to come here and meet them all and even cook dinner for some of us, and I loved being able to share all this again! And I love that she's starting to see a bit of how truly real and sweet he is!

After work I got off the train a little early and walked to a big grocery store and finally stocked up again - and oh the most exciting part is that I got a bag of big pine cones spiced with cinammon or a cinnamon scent! They smell SO wonderful and make my entire place smell like fall and like Christmas!!!! Once again I'm realizing what an amazing power there is in our sense of smell!

And then tonight I IMed with a wonderful friend from the East Coast for awhile, and then Mr. H called and we talked for close to two hours and watched videos together on YouTube and talked about our future visits, and talked about such other exciting things that really put such an extreme sense of joy in my heart. I know I gush all the time about him but he's more than worthy of it, I swear! He really is such a special and unique and good person, and very multi-faceted which I love and appreciate. And he's such a caring person, and makes me feel like a princess and cherished and appreciated, and that's such a wonderful feeling! And he's interesting and interested in many things, he has a wonderful funny side and I just love when I get him to laugh about something, it makes me feel so good and always makes me smile! And he thinks I'm fabulous as well, and the fact that we both think each other are fabulous and tell each other that is even more amazing and wonderful!!!

Okay, I'm realizing that I'm in a VERY gushy mood right now! I could go on and on for quite awhile longer but because it's quite late now, I'm going to stop and instead go to bed! So that tomorrow I'll wake with plenty of patience to track down my voting location!!! :) And I SWEAR I will get back into Gratitude Tuesdays one of these weeks! I ALWAYS mean to, but my list of L words is so so so long and somehow I always wait until Tuesday night and then there's never enough time or I would be up half the night! But very soon, I swear!!!!

Musical Monday!! And this is the best song EVER!!!! :)

Oh my gosh do I love love love this song that I'm playing today!!! I'm playing it over and over non-stop because it is just so beyond perfect and the lyrics are just amazing and so perfectly express my exact feelings, especially when I walk outside on a day when the sun is shining and I lift my face to feel the sun fully on it - and that's a frickin' lyric in this song!! This is my perfect song!! And another line is "strawberry blond waves of silky hair" and I have strawberry blond hair! I LOVE this song! And I love the line "the gift of love is there for everyone" and the one "angels working overtime day or night to hold the hands that play all alone". It really IS so good to be alive, and this song so perfectly reminds me of that and brings such joyful feelings out in me!!!

Oh and I got the song this morning (Sunday, cause I had to write this post as soon as I listened to the song the first 10 times and knew it absolutely had to be my Musical Monday song for today!) in an email from Mr. Hands - he's been sending me a song every morning for when I wake up! I love that!!!! I love waking up to an email from him and a special song!! He's so amazingly sweet and romantic!!! And it all makes me so so so happy to be alive and experiencing all of this!!! :)


Edwin :: Alive



It feels so good to breathe the air
Another spin around the sun
On this spec of life in the universe
the gift of love is there for everyone
Angels working overtime
day or night to hold the hands that play all alone
a babe is born pure to the world as the old man lays down his head
and closes his eyes with nothing said
every year another promise is made
a pint of beer raised towards a better day
lets find a star a star to call our own
and make the wish maybe we can't make it home
ain't it good to be alive
to feel the sun strong against your face
strawberry blond waves of silky hair
spills over me like the milky way
ain't it good to be alive
ain't it good to be alive
alive alive
alive alive
ain't it good to breathe the air
another spin around the sun
on this spec of light in the universe
a little piece of love in everyone
ain't it good to be alive
ain't it good to be alive
to feel the sun strong against your face
spills over me like the milky way
alive alive alive alive alive

I'm suddenly too sleepy now to think of a good title!

I've been SO bad with posting lately, I know I know I know! It's all because I have such fun talking with Mr. H and we've been talking until my bedtime or past it almost every night, or at least IMing until that time, and I usually write my posts at night. So at least I haven't been posting because I'm happy and talking tons with my wonderful guy - that's an okay reason!!! :)

Today I planned on writing some big long drawn out post but then I slept until 11:00 (which was okay cause Mr. H and I talked last night until 3 a.m. my time) and I took a nap on my couch from around 2:00 to 6:30 tonight (I was snuggling with James and his soft kitten snores just lulled me into my own sleepy zone). And then I had some stressful crying and then was talking with Mr. H until just now.

Something kind of good happened tonight even though it was really stressful for me and I did my share of crying because of it. It had to do with me asking Mr. H to come here for a visit before I went to visit him in his city. And we'd been planning this whole time that I'd go visit him next. I'd been so stressed about talking to him about this and I didn't know how he would react, and I felt so bad for changing things on him and I didn't want him to feel bad and worry, but all my closest and most wonderful friends had expressed so much worry about me flying so far away to see a guy who they felt I hardly know, and they reinforced their worries many times and I started worrying about whether I was indeed being not smart, and I worried about my wonderful friends who are so important to me losing respect for me, and I worried about Mr. H being sad or disappointed in me or getting angry, and oh there were just so many things running around in my head and I felt so so so much stress because of it.

So first I did a kind of stupid thing - I asked Mr. H if he could come here first in an email - because I was too much of a pussy to call him when that would have been so much better and not left him wondering and not left me stressing about what he was thinking. I realize now that the email was really vague about the reasons so I completely understand that he didn't know what to think or how to react to it. After he sent me a short little email back saying he was a bit confused and a little sad, I called him and almost immediately all the stress came out in a bunch of tears and I told him in maybe a slightly jumbled mess about the why's and I told him all my worries (not about him at all but about what my friends would think of me and about whether maybe I was being stupid and naive by planning to go there so soon) and I especially explained the worries of my friends.

And do you know how amazing and wonderful Mr. H was? I wish I could adequately express how wonderful he was! He of course didn't like hearing that my friends had worries about him, but at the same time he could take a step back and understand exactly why they would worry. And he even said that the fact that these people care so much about me says such good things about me - he was so giving and wonderful even in a slightly hard situation! And then he said that there was a very easy solution to this - he would come visit me first and while he's here, he'll meet my friends from work! And then they can see that he's really into me and for the right reasons, and that he also is a real and good guy! And he even said we could have some of them over and he'd cook dinner for us all! (Oh my gosh, as I write this I just have such a warm happy smile on my face and such a sense of I don't even know how to describe it but a really good and warm feeling inside!)

All of this was so good and so positive, because 1) he didn't get angry and anger always kind of scares me, 2) he cared so much about me even as I was telling him semi-bad things and hated seeing me so stressed and crying, 3) he turned it into a positive situation by saying he'd come here and meet my friends, and 4) he made me laugh afterward so I'd feel better, and even tonight said that what made him most happy wasn't just that we got through that perfectly and both feel good now, but that I'm happy now and not feeling so stressed inside. He is really such a wonderful person!!! And it just makes me so happy!!! And after all that we talked much more and about so many more things and he's just wonderful, he really really is, and we have such similiar views on so many things, it's so wonderful for both of to keep discovering all the ways we're alike!

In other news, there's some rogue centipede crawling around my apartment. Last night when I was talking Mr. H this centipede suddenly appeared on my couch about two feet from my face! I jumped up and was trying to find something to smoosh him with when he crawled somewhere and disappeared. Ewwwww!!! I retreated to the floor first and then to my bedroom. And this morning I checked the entire couch over and shook out my blanket and checked it all over, and I've kept my eyes pealed (or is it peeled - suddenly I'm forgetting which spelling to use for words that can use both an "ee" and "ea" - what is my fucking problem!) for the rogue guy all day but he's hiding somewhere. I'm hoping he'll come crawling out and the babies will spot him cause I've found a number of dead centipedes on the floor in the morning since we've lived here.

Let's see, what else? I'm sleepy and can't think right now of all the other things that may have been on my mind before, and it's 11:30 now so it's almost past my latest possible bedtime - I need to go to sleep now! And I'm going to sleep with a happy smile on my face!

Sleepy again - a short update from tonight and what I wrote last night

Last night I started writing a post and I was so sleepy as I started and fell asleep at one point for maybe 45 minutes when James came cuddling, and then I wrote another paragraph and next woke up at 4:30 a.m. from James pawing at me and purring. And then moved to my bed and half woke up when my mom called but went right back to sleep and didn't wake up until well into the afternoon.

I completely and absolutely SUCK - it makes me feel so awful and so dirty and so angry with myself for just sleeping away through work. I want to just kick myself sometimes! And now I have such a headache all around both of my eyes so I need to take some Tylenol in a couple minutes and go to bed. I meant to write much more tonight and have it be exciting and I especially have one thing in particular that is so in my head and I haven't worked it all out yet and think I won't until I write it out - but with a headache and sleepy again, it'll wait until tomorrow.

Here's what I wrote last night:

I have to keep this short because it's WAY past my bedtime now!! I had a wonderful night and talked with Mr. Hands for quite awhile on the phone and then we IMed for quite awhile - it was really so wonderful, I have such fun talking to him and he makes me so happy!!!!! And IMing is fun, too - although not nearly as intimate feeling, but at least on IM I could see him and all his hotness!! And I love being able to see his smile, it always makes me smile!! And if I can figure out how to make my stupid webcam work properly then he'll be able to see me as well, and we might even be able to talk through the microphones, too - then it would be perfect because I'd get the intimacy of hearing his voice and also seeing him!!!

Last night [Tuesday night] I struggled forever with the stupid webcam as well, and had to download stuff and uninstall the old stuff which the computer wouldn't even recognize was there but made me uninstall anyway, and then reinstall the program, and restart the computer a number of times (and that's sssssuuuuucccchhhhh a slow process on my very slow lemon computer). And finally, it seemed that the camera was working. I chatted briefly with The Bold One and she could see me, so I didn't have to throw the camera across the room after all and all felt right with the world again! :) Until tonight when the stupid MoFo wouldn't work again - well I could see myself, and the thing said it was broadcasting, but Mr. H couldn't see me and I think got an error message or something. Tomorrow night I'll fiddle more with it and hopefully I won't have to end up throwing it across the room after all! (Well of course I wouldn't actually throw it, I'd be more likely to start crying in frustration and that would be much healthier so I'll accept crying tomorrow if necessary!)

Let's see, what else? I talked to MWFB (My Wonderful Friend Benji) today and he's so excited for me and he's a true believer in the power of things like this, so it was wonderful talking to him! And he let me gush all I wanted and actually encouraged it! Oh - Mr. Hands and I talked tonight about the next time we'll see each other!!! Yay!!!! Oh I'm so excited!!!! I'm going to fly there on a Thursday and get in in the early evening, and I'll fly back on a Monday - so we'll have three full days together plus Thursday night and Monday morning, and I have such good thoughts and feelings about it - SUCH good ones! We don't know the exact weekend yet, and won't until Mr. H knows his schedule a little more, but it will most likely and hopefully be in later November or early December, and I'm so happy knowing that we're scheduling and planning it.

It's just so amazing this thing between us, the feelings we both have, the excitement, the fun we have talking and IMing, the amazing attraction we both feel - I have such a hard time putting it all into words right now, but I'm feeling so many things ranging from such excitement to deep contentment. And I know that there's something very special here, something that hasn't happened before to me. I'm a very very very very happy girl right now because of my amazing and wonderful man!!!! :)

[James was just over for a cuddle and I fell asleep right along with him. I'm so sleepy.] One other thing - I cancelled my membership on the dating site that I was using. I closed all of the matches for the reason of "pursuing another relationship" and then I cancelled the subscription. I am committed to seeing what happens with Mr. H, and my only focus is on him and us. And I love it that way!!! Oh and I also told SP ALL about Mr. Hands, and I cut off all hookups between us - again because Mr. Hands is my only guy!!! SP understood completely and is happy and hopeful for me, but I'm sure he is also feeling some deep disappointment and that makes me feel bad - but of course it doesn't change my mind. And one more thing - I also had a bit of a talk with The German and was a little more direct and strong and "I am woman, hear me roar" than I usually am. I'm too tired to write more about that now though. I feel so good though! So strong and so happy and I'm just smiling all over the place, both on the outside and in my heart!