Painting and The German

I think my landlord may get painters to paint my place for me, and I'll just supply the paint! Which would be fabulous because then I could get it done fast instead of slowly going room by room! We haven't fully discussed it yet, but he called me this morning because I had requested that certain holes in the wall be filled and I don't know how. He wanted to come by and see what kind of holes I was talking about, and he said something along the lines of "I don't want this to sound bad, but in my experience people who know how to paint also know how to spackle." I told him that I've painted my apartments before but never had to spackle anything, and I said that if he would feel more comfortable, he could get the painters who he would have had to hire to repaint the place white and I would supply the paint for my colored walls. He said, "that's an option," and in a voice that sounded as if he liked the idea.

He left a message on my voicemail this evening and said that he would have painters come to fill the holes and then said, "so they'll have to come anyway..." and then said some stuff in an uncertain voice about me doing the painting and asked me to call him so we could discuss it. So I really think he feels better with having professionals do the painting, and I'm fine with that as long as I don't have to pay for it. So we'll see tomorrow!

The German is coming over tomorrow night to help me put the armoire back together. He's been on my mind a lot lately for a few reasons. Not that he's ever far from my thoughts, but he's just there much more right now. The first reason: for the brief moment, my biological clock is ticking and I'm so excited about having my baby girl. And I wasn't going to write what her name will be on here because I don't want the name to become at all popular, but I'm just so incredibly in love with having found the perfect name so I have to share just a little bit. But anyone who knows me cannot name their daughter this name if they have a daughter before I do! So - Baby Caterpillar is going to be called Flora!

From one website: "Derived from the name of the Roman spring goddess Flora, deriving from flos- or floris, "flower," evoking the goddess of flowers, the flowering of spring." And also "the name of a ninth-century Spanish martyr-saint. Flora Macdonald was a Scottish heroine who helped Bonnie Prince Charlie escape the English." (I know it calls her both Scottish and Spanish but I didn't look further into it to clarify.) I got the name from Enya's song "Flora's Secret", which I have always loved since I've heard it (I just never even looked at the name) and it always makes me want to dance with my arms outstretched and spin around - and I do when I'm home alone and listening to it. A small part of the lyrics:

And from all around them
Flora's secret
Telling them of love
And the way it breathes

So beautiful! So the name Flora fits all my name requirements for a girl's name - feminine, pretty, exotic, kind of European or ethnic-sounding, and not too popular. Whoever I marry will love the name or accept it, because my baby girl is already named Flora in my mind! And while I'm pregnant I'll play the song all the time so little Flora will know it even when she's born! And we'll dance to it together as she grows up! It will always be her song!

Okay - well so you see I've gone a little crazy with the biological clock! And The German has already offered up his sperm for my use. But it's more than that. The Meat and Freckles both recently said, in discussing other guys who I could be set up with, that they thought I'd end up marrying The German. Add to that the fact that for the past two plus months he calls me every morning to make sure I'm awake, which is so sweet. And also, a couple of weeks ago he was emailing me a few songs from Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris's new album and when he sent me the song "I Dug Up A Diamond" he wrote, "this is about you silly, diamond that you are to us men."

And also, we have had sex now three times, the first time being about a month ago. Before that I think it had been over two years since we'd actually had sex, although there would be a hookup every few months. So as I was saying, about a month ago, or maybe three weeks ago, he was over and we were laying on the couch, and he lifted me up on top of him. We were in the middle of our normal hookup when he said, "I think I want to fuck you." And I said okay. Then a couple weeks ago when he came over he pushed me on the bed and we again did the deed. And then when I stayed over at his house during the night between moving, he joined me in the shower and fucked me from behind as I held onto the tub.

So all these things added together have made me start thinking again of the possibility of being with The German. He is also my best friend and probably the person I feel most comfortable with in the whole world, and who I can always be completely myself around. And I know he loves me in his way, and he does many wonderful things for me.

However, he still doesn't want to have children. And he's completely odd and completely unjealous and knows about my sexual relationship with SP and asks me about it very often in teasing terms. And when I told him that I wasn't interested in The Coach anymore and was going to chuck him, he said something along the lines of, "good, then you can come back to just SP and I." What the fuck?!

Anyway, I know that this is a little phase because I'm feeling the urge to have little Flora, and also because the idea of The German and I together has been put in my mind in these many ways. And I know it partly sounds ideal because he is my best friend and knows me completely and all that. But he also doesn't want what I want, and I don't honestly know if he would make me happy for my whole life, and loving me "in his way" isn't enough for me, and he is a loner and doesn't need anyone and is just very odd. But that's where I am this moment, and I needed to get it out and written down.

I also wonder though, how will I ever find another guy who will be my best friend and who I will be so comfortable with? And it takes time to develop this kind of relationship. And how will I find a guy to fill that spot when The German currently occupies it?

And even as I write all this and acknowledge the improbability of it, I still have this romantic hope in the back of my mind that this is my love story, and I think of all the many ways that The German shows his love for me, and I imagine him realizing how much he loves me and how much he wants to spend his life with me, and I see him realize the loneliness in being alone for his whole life and see the idea of having a baby as something good instead of as something uninteresting. I know I've read too many romance novels and seen way too many Hollywood love stories. But they have completely affected the way I can view things when a part of me wants it to be that way.

And I know that I'm lucky to have him and lucky to have a relationship like this - I have a pseudo boyfriend at all times, and also a best friend. And then I start thinking about long-term relationships, and people always say that you need the friendship and that's the thing that lasts. But is that enough? Am I being silly to want more? Or are those cynical people right in saying that the passionate love always fades and the friendship is what is left? I don't want the passionate love to fade. Oh, I'm just frustrating myself right now with this new line of thought. It's hard for me to think about because it often makes me cry - this issue of growing old with someone and what it will be like and what we will and more importantly will not have. It's too much. Okay - enough thinking for now. I'll try to get some things done around here and then get to bed early.